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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:I did not talk on the podcast for a very long time, And I did not know if it's safe to talk on the podcast or it's not safe to talk on the podcast. And I did not know about if we are making friends or or not having friends, but we do have friends. And I did not know about what Taylor is doing at the fall and about some things we have to write about in the notebook. And sometimes I don't understand what is happening for some of them working together and talking, and it's like there's new people, except there's not new people. It's just, like, all all mixed like a snow cone.
Speaker 1:Like, I don't know I don't know how to tell you of it. And well, the truth of it is two things. There's two things that truth of it. And one of it that is the truth of it is about that if we're gonna talk about hard things, then, well, that's hard. That's what it is.
Speaker 1:It's hard. And two, two is if well, I don't wanna talk about two, but there's a problem that is not a problem except it is a problem. And I don't I don't know how to talk about it or tell nobody of it, But if if you if you think about it, then sometimes we have lots of us in here, many of us for helping different things, and I help keep them safe. But, also, is the problem for when everything starts to be safe. Because I don't know how to say what I'm noticing.
Speaker 1:But if you if you if you you have a hard time and you are alone and nobody does help you, that's different than when it's memory time, but now time is safe. And you have if you got if you got friends who are safe ones and know everybody and they're still there, they're still safe ones, they don't leave you or change your minds. And and well, I think I think I'm really trying to tell you something, but I don't know how to tell you. And it's hard it's hard to it's hard to put out my words at it. If you if you have somebody, like, somebody there for helping because you're alone and you don't got nobody, but then everything is not really a problem anymore because you are safe.
Speaker 1:In now time, you are safe, and you start to have people for for friends and on your side and helping, and they say, I'm cheering you on. And they they let you tell them things. And then and then you got a therapist and another therapist. And and and if you got all that and there's outside people helping you well, I'm I really have a hard time, but it's important. It's really important.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to I'm trying to talk about it, but I don't know I don't know how to have words of it. If on the if if at memory time, a long time ago at memory time, if it was not safe and you had nobody, then you can you can have inside people helping you. Okay? But if you if you are safe in now time and there's lots of people on the outside who are safe and helping you, and they love you, and they give you salsa, and they they come visit you, and they they say you can know where they are, and you can talk to them, and they're still there. And even if you go go across a world, they don't forget about you.
Speaker 1:Well, if you've got all those outside people and you are not by yourself anymore and now time is safe, well, then sometimes sometimes you don't need you don't need so much of inside people the same way. And then inside people inside people start working together because they know how to get it done, and they know how to keep things safe. But then you are safe on the inside and the outside. I I just oh, it gives me a headache. I don't even know how I tell him about it.
Speaker 1:I don't understand. It's not a bad thing. There's no problems. Not complaining. I've got no complaints, zero complaints.
Speaker 1:I'm zero mad about nothing. I just mean, before, if there's a big problem, we can get a new person to help us. But now sometimes there's no problems and lots of people are already helping us. So it's a little bit like it's a little bit like some people working together. If this one is just by herself and she just only is married to the husband, He's a crazy fellow.
Speaker 1:He's so funny. If she just marry him, and we don't know about being married, and we need her to be the one to get married, so we just make her she's just new, and then we get married, and then everything's still safe, and it's okay. But then, Em, she's got all that work to do for all the kids, the outside kids, and she's gotta be cooking and cleaning. And she's she's all sad because her parents are dead and all these problems. So she's all by herself.
Speaker 1:But then what happens, if we get lots of people helping, and now time is safe, and we're not scared about getting married, and we've been married in memory time because I remember yesterday, so that's memory time. And, also, if if we have lots of friends who know us like have sick kids or a lot of kids or just having kids, and they are just so nice to you and helping. Well, then you don't got feel all sad by yourself. And what if what if what if instead of having her by herself and her by herself, then they just work together like one team? If you have if you have a football team and there's no quarterback, you're not gonna win any games ever.
Speaker 1:And if it's Begum and and OU's gonna be OSU, that's bad news. That's really bad news. Because you want the Cowboys to win. You want OSU to win the Cowboys for Oklahoma State University football. But then this year, if we have a quarterback and we have somebody who can kick and we have some people who can run and who are good, tough, and we have a good football team, Except then they beat us because I was left the country.
Speaker 1:If those girls did not make me leave the country, we would not lose our football game. Because if I was here watching the football game, we would win our football game. So that's girl's fault for leaving the country when I'm trying to watch football. They don't even have football there. They're just blowing things up, I saw.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't talk about that. What I'm trying to say is if you can't be a football team all by yourself, You gotta have other people on your football team. But, also, if you have one football team, there's two parts to your football team because your football team has offense and a defense. And sometimes they gotta be taking turns. Sometimes you have to be on offense.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you have to be on the defense, but you need them to be good people working hard on their parts or or you're not gonna win your football game. But if you just think one part only can't play a whole football game by themselves, They gotta have the they gotta have the other part of football game. Also, I wanna call the therapist and tell her this right now is I my my real therapist, I gotta tell her because she needs to know about this. She knows about football, and I just finally figured out words that tell you about it. What I'm trying to say, they're working together like one team, and nobody's losing any time.
Speaker 1:Those two are just knowing what's happening, and they don't even need me to take care of them. And if I just gotta know if those little girls are need my help, but they got Molly. And everybody's just taking care of everything, and I don't even have a mission for for our I don't I don't need to do nothing because everything is okay, but we can just be on we can just be one team. Those two and now I don't see two. I can't see offense and defense.
Speaker 1:I only see one. I just see one Emma. And even when we were staff for leaving the therapist, and we have to break up with her, and we don't get to see her anymore or something. But we don't really bring up with her because we love her always. She's my buddy.
Speaker 1:She said so, and I know it. Now time is safe. I know it. But even when it was hard and she was lonely or missing be at home, or when we had hard things happen on our trip, Even then, Emma just can't handle it. And m who's always upset or cranky or sad about things or dead parents or something, well, she just she just thinks she's feeling better.
Speaker 1:And then m and Emma just be on the same team, but I just see I just see one of them at the same time. But they said they're still there that that she knows, she remembers, she didn't forget. It's not somebody new. But I don't know how she do that. I don't know what I think about it.
Speaker 1:But I just I just feel like it's the same team. So there was three Emmas and then just one Emma. And then there was m still there, but now it's just Emma with m there, except m is better, and Emma remembers it. I don't even know what is my gameplay anymore, except that I'm okay with everything being okay because that was my biggest mission was keep them girls safe. Now time is safe.
Speaker 1:Even though it's snowing again, there's snow up to my knee balls. I think that's cold and crunchy and slippery, but but the kids are playing a little bit. And I I didn't talk on the podcast. I just wanna figure out what I'm thinking and if I'm using my thinking head and try to find my words, and maybe I can talk about it. But now there's a new therapist, and I just feel shy of it.
Speaker 1:She don't know about football. If I look at the outside kids, I can count them. One two three four five six. But altogether, it's just one family. That new therapist said she said, how's your family doing?
Speaker 1:You're inside family. I said, I'm not family. I worked hard to get away from family. I don't know what she's talking about. Except I got to see my therapist, my buddy therapist, and she said I gotta talk to the new lady.
Speaker 1:She says okay, but I don't wanna talk to new lady when I wanna talk to mine. But she said I gotta talk to her. She says a good thing. She said she'd cheer me on. But it it feels hard, like a hard thing.
Speaker 1:I I can be sad, and I miss her. And we we we don't we don't we don't know about talking to somebody else. Sometimes if they talk to the new therapist, sometimes it hurts my feelings. Like, they're playing on the wrong team. Like, now instead of being on my team with my therapist, now they're on OU instead.
Speaker 1:I don't want them to be on OU. They should stay on OSU. OSU is our real team. So I don't know why they're talking to the wrong team. That's not even nice.
Speaker 1:But, also, we done so much talking on the podcast and then therapy and the notebooks. Maybe we shouldn't be talking or we shouldn't start talking, Except I know that's going backwards, but sometimes I have those feelings. Sometimes my feelings are big. Sometimes my feelings are lying to me. But I I I wanna take I wanna I want to talk to my other therapist.
Speaker 1:I don't know about talking to the new therapist, But my therapist, she brought us our map and our squares for to give to the new therapist. She said we gotta talk to her. She said it's okay. But I don't know if it feels okay yet, except nobody ever got better before. If Emma's feeling better and Emma's feeling better because now Emma's stronger like Em, but Em's not crybaby like before.
Speaker 1:But now Emma can cry when she could not cry before. Now Emma can cry, but she's not all depressed like before. But Emma's not all cranky or sad like before. And they can do more work and everybody help different inside and outside. So she don't she's not so overwhelmed.
Speaker 1:We take better care of ourselves, all of us, everybody together because working together, you know, That's part of in TIS, now time is safe. Because it's not good if anybody's too hard on another body so that it doesn't feel safe. Everybody's gotta feel safe. Even if you get a new therapist. So she met us and gave us a map.
Speaker 1:I know our squares where we tell about the map. I don't wanna talk about that. I didn't tell about that on the podcast, but it has everybody's names on it. But now because I cut them into squares, the names, and now I gotta glue some together because there were two pieces. One says m and one says m.
Speaker 1:And now I just gotta glue them together and make one piece. Because I just need one, but they're there. I'm not scared about it or sad about it. I just I didn't know how it can happen. And sometimes sometimes I'm sometimes I'm just sometimes I'm just not she she don't need me like before the same.
Speaker 1:And this, when we change our therapist and and all the outside kids have what they need and we got a job and we are doing good and doctor e's working and every everything's working good, Well, things sell down a whole lot, and now time is extra safe. And we got friends. They're really nice. I'll tell you about them, but that's not anybody's business. We like them a lot, and outside kids like him a lot.
Speaker 1:And she mailed me some popcorn. I like popcorn. I ain't even sharing with the outside kids. I don't I don't like sharing. I ain't like sharing.
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding because I want all the popcorn. But everything's changing a little bit. If we're gonna be talking about hard things and not just talking about who's here. But the therapist, she told me we gotta talk to the new therapist, and she told us it will not take years. I heard her tell her that.
Speaker 1:She said it will not take years and years forever. It will get better even if it gets messy first. I'm pretty messy. I don't know about you. I try not to be messy as I know we got work together for in TIS.
Speaker 1:But, also, it sometimes feel like everything's changing, and I don't know what's happening except I know a lot, but now everybody's talking about it. So how can I even spy on anything if everybody's talking about it already? You know what I saw at the park? I saw a pickup driving their dog. Like, they were walking their dog, but they were driving their pickup truck, and the dog was running next to it.
Speaker 1:And I thought, listen, buddy. I hope you can't walk because what it looks like is you're just a big old chicken because you're cold, and that may look all funny and good till you run over your dog. So I watch him make sure he didn't run over his dog because even for dogs in TIS now, time is safe. So maybe everything's gone okay so far, but I don't know what to do about everything that's gonna happen next. Because what's gonna happen next, they never happened before.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.