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Finding life after loss, Two Dancing Widows dives into the stories of resilience, hope, and transformation. Hosts Toni and Hettie welcome new guests each week, from widowers and life coaches to those battling severe illness, who share their journeys through struggle and their paths back to joy. This podcast is for anyone navigating grief or simply looking for inspiration to live and love deeply again. Tune in for heartfelt conversations that remind us all that healing, while challenging, is a dance worth stepping into.
Coming up on this episode of Two Dancing Widows.
You have to figure out where you are,
spend some time doing things that allow you just the time
to listen to your own grief.
Sometimes, never be afraid to show emotion,
never be afraid to be angry.
Yes, never be afraid to understand that you are, in fact, a human being.
And you're a subject to every emotion from anger,
to loss, to love, to confusion, to going over why this happened.
You know, I'm a good person.
I try to do right by people.
Why is this happening to you?
Welcome to Two Dancing Widows.
The podcasts where hosts Tony and Hattie
explore life after loss and the strength
we find in each other's stories.
In today's episode, Tony and Hattie
discuss coping mechanisms, seeking support,
and giving yourself permission to feel everything that grief rings.
Joining them is special guest Felicia Lofton,
a certified life coach and an employee performance expert
who shares strategies for building support networks
and finding ways to heal when grief affects your work,
your family, and your daily life.
And now, let's join Hattie as she opens today's conversation.
In the twilight glow,
we're memories planned to soze reminisce on life's winding man.
Yeah, yeah, we'll have to entails from a time
so bold they share the stories yet untold.
Oh.
And so we have promised to bring you a guest.
And we wanted to bring our very special guest
in today as we discuss coping mechanisms, seeking support,
and allowing oneself the opportunity
to experience a full range of emotions.
Also, one of the things that we talked about
is we'll joy ever feel the same after loss.
Now, for some people, they have a problem
finding their rhythm or finding joy again.
And many times, you need a professional
or you need just someone to listen to you.
And there are various ways and different connectives
and support relationships to help you in the healing process.
So our very special guest today is Mrs. Felicia Lofton
from Lofton and Associates.
And she is an employee performance expert.
And she's also trained and certified in life coaching.
She has dealt with many small business developments.
She does workshops on employees, employee retention.
And while we are talking about performance and performance
loss and also life crisis and being life coaching,
we have to understand that sometimes after loss,
people are different.
They lose their, I don't know, their gusto,
something about them changes.
They're not performing in their jobs as they once were.
They're not performing in their lives as they once were.
They're not performing even in their family
as they once were because sometimes we lose our place
in our family.
When we lose something like a husband,
maybe he's the head of the family
and we're struggling to fill that gap.
But we lose a child.
They're the middle child.
The other children have a problem filling that space.
The loss of a job that was our absolute best job in the world,
the thing that we work so many years to achieve
and all of a sudden we lose it.
The pandemic downsizing, other things have caused this loss.
It causes us to go through a tremendous,
tremendous psychological spiral sometimes down.
And so what we want to talk about today is how do we heal
and find a way to move on?
And so I think we have a perfect person here.
And I'll tell you that Felicia is well known in her field
and we're just so blessed to have her as our special guest.
So Felicia, welcome to Tony's and my broadcast
which we call the two dancing widows.
Thank you so very much for inviting me to be a part
of such a wonderful conversation
in such a necessary conversation.
As loss is certainly a part of life,
we all go through it in one way or another.
So Tony, let's start with you.
Only because I know you have a lot of questions for Felicia
and you experienced loss that was so different from mine.
Even though we both lost our husbands,
it was in so many, it was different.
It was different for each of us, the longevity of it was different.
The longevity of the relationships began and ended differently.
What would you ask Felicia?
Well, for me, and I've said this in our first episode,
Jimmy was 39 years old when he was diagnosed
with chronic progressive MS.
So for 26 years, the last 60 years,
he was bedridden wheelchair bound.
So the loss for us was both physical loss,
a mental loss, and a financial loss to be quite honest.
And so I had to find ways to build support networks
so that I was able to take care of him,
take care of my children, take care of my job
because I worked up until the last eight years of his life.
And I was fortunate enough to have a great deal of support.
But give us some ways.
For me, I nurtured relationships,
and even at his funeral, there were people
who hadn't seen for years, and they came up to me and said,
how can I help you?
And I was, it's very hard for me to ask for help,
but I was at a very, very low place in my life.
And so I did reach out to them and ask.
For one woman I hadn't seen her in years,
but she was a dear high school friend of mine.
And I asked her if she would reconnect me to our sorority.
And that, she said absolutely.
And that woman for the next year invited me to everything,
helped me reactivate, helped me get set up
so that now providing for others,
giving to others, volunteering,
to help in my community has really enriched my life.
So I'm very thankful for that.
I have other people that have sent me a text every day
for the last six and a half years,
just that prayer every morning,
how are you doing, some kind of uplifting quote,
and that has really helped me a lot.
So Felicia, help us to give others some strategies,
if you will, so that they can reconnect
or build those connections.
Well Tony, it sounds like you had a almost ready made
or prepared support system.
All you had to do really was to reach out.
And if, even though I'm sure that in and of itself
was not necessarily the easiest for you to do,
many people that have experienced loss
don't have these kinds of organizations
that they were a part of,
they do not have friends that they trust enough
or that they feel as though the friend does not want to hear
the things that they have to say.
And sometimes in emptying out and figuring out
how you go on, you don't know what to say.
You don't know what you need to hear.
You don't know where you need to go.
You don't understand who you need to talk to.
So I think in many instances like that,
people shut down and they say, oh I'm fine.
Yes.
Well, what about seeing a therapist, oh I don't need that.
Well, okay, well, what about seeing just a counselor,
oh I'm fine, okay, well, what about as you did,
and people just have to get to a point,
some do, some never do,
they have to get to a point that they want to seek out help.
And it is different for everybody.
Some people will seek out therapy,
there are grief counselors,
most churches have grief counseling ministries.
And none of these programs are meant for you to stay in them
for years and years and years,
but they offer you just a safe space
and a safe haven just to empty out and to sometimes
just get to understand what's going on in your own body.
How am I experiencing this grief?
How am I experiencing this loss?
And once you kind of understand the pain that you have
or the difficulty that you have,
then it's easier than to channel where you need to go
and what type of help you need to seek out.
That makes sense to me.
Talk to us also about when people are,
when you're not quite ready,
when you might just be comfortable in your grief
and being comfortable in your grief,
particularly when you're talking about a longstanding relationship,
feels like a warm, cozy blanket on a blustery day,
just a warm, fuzzy blanket on a very blustery day.
And even though you know that blanket may have become a little itchy,
now and you know you need to move part of it away from you,
you feel comforted by the warmth of it.
And so consequently it becomes very difficult and it takes time.
I think when you hear, I'm sure you probably heard before,
people will say to you,
oh, this person is in a better place.
And oh, you've had so many years with this person.
And you know, now you'll be fine.
And oh, you know, there's always stories
about how you're going to be fine.
Just pray, just do this, just do that.
Well, sometimes you just can't just.
Yes.
There's no way to just, just.
So consequently, you have to figure out where you are,
spend some time doing things that allow you just the time
to listen to your own grief.
Sometimes never be afraid to show emotion.
Never be afraid to be angry.
Yes.
Never be afraid to understand that you are in fact a human being.
And you're subject to every emotion from anger to to loss,
to love, to confusion, to going over why this happened.
You know, I'm a good person.
I try to do right by people why is this happening to me?
And so it requires, it requires some self care.
It requires either some journaling or some
just time spent with self.
And once I think you get a hold of exactly where you are,
it's easier to sometimes reach out to a friend.
Yes.
Or it's easier to become re-acquainted with an organization.
Or it's easier to find a therapist.
You know, therapists and coaches, you know, women,
we can do this.
You know, we have that attitude.
We can do this.
You know, you know, I'm not the first person
that's ever experienced this.
I can move on.
I can, until you realize that you're stuck.
Well, for me, I was a 16 year really.
The hardest part of the journey was the 16 years.
He had lost his mobility,
suffering from severe seizures.
And one day, one weekend, I began to cry.
And I cried all weekend.
There was nothing happening.
There was nothing really particular.
We say that are different.
And I, my cousin called and she said there,
and she said, are you crying?
And I said, yeah, I can't stop crying.
Nothing's wrong, but I just can't stop crying.
And so she said, I have a very dear friend.
I can't see you, but I have someone
that I'm going to refer you to.
And promise me, you'll just give a call and see.
And that was one of the best things
that I did for myself was to go into therapy.
And it just gave me a place that I could talk
about everything.
My father, being a senior and an African-American man,
he just couldn't understand that.
He said, we love you.
We have family.
Why can't you just talk to us?
And I said, dad, this is something I need to do just for me.
And so he didn't understand it, never did,
but for me, it was very, very helpful.
Eddie?
Well, yeah, I think African-American families
have this sort of feeling about therapy,
and especially me, myself, and I.
Because I grew up in a family where they say, girl,
you better talk to yourself.
Don't go talking outside this house.
Don't tell nobody you're a business of mine.
And I kind of felt that way.
I always felt like I had really strong friends
who gave me good counsel.
And I do think, because I didn't see a therapist,
that my friendships worked for me.
But my friends tend to be highly empathetic
and intelligent women who are sensitive to women,
not just me, but to women.
And they understand us.
They are women, I know, and some are friends,
are remote friends, are people that we've worked together
who say things like, oh, I don't like women, or women.
I think it's called wrong headed way of thinking about it.
But also, I guess, Felicia, for you,
what I wanted to ask you about,
are those friends that are, I don't know,
they come to you with words,
but they're not always the right words.
For example, they get stuck with their timetable
for my healing.
Yes.
Yes.
That's what I wanted to think I was good
and asked Felicia to, that people try to pigeonhole people.
And so six months, you should be over it.
Let me just say this, no one knows what to say.
True. Wow.
They just don't know what to say.
And silence is difficult.
When sometimes, just...
I love silence.
No, no.
What it can be, it can be.
That is difficult.
Silence can be difficult.
It's like a pregnant, oh, okay.
And I can imagine, even though I have not lost
a spouse in your life,
you will experience a series of losses.
Yes.
And my loss may be different from your loss,
but there is a common denominator that exists.
People getting back to answer your question,
people don't know what to say.
And so consequently, they say things
that in effect make them feel better.
Yes.
Yes.
It's really, they have intentions of assisting you
with their words, but what they're doing
is they're making themselves feel better
in that you're gonna be fine
because I'm gonna be fine.
Yes.
You're gonna, you know, in a little bit of time,
you're gonna be much better
because what did you say?
They're in a much better place, right?
Oh.
Words to die by.
Words to die.
Exactly.
Exactly.
A much better place.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Uh-huh.
And you have such wonderful memories.
And you'll be able to look back on those,
you know, pretty soon things will be,
and they just don't know what to say.
Mm-hmm.
They just don't know what to say.
And so consequently, they say the wrong thing.
When sometimes, I will honestly tell you
that just offering you space to be.
Mm-hmm.
Just sitting with you.
You don't have to talk all the time.
It's not about the words that you say.
It's about the space that you give.
Mm-hmm.
It's about offering your time.
Yes.
Without questions.
If I'm a good friend of yours, perhaps I know you love bagels.
Perhaps I know you love books.
It's certainly nothing wrong with me saying to you,
or sending you a text saying, I put a book and a couple
of a basket of bread on your door.
But just pick it up.
And I know that, you know, it's from me to you.
Asking people what they need and asking them to call you
if you need anything is a tough ask.
It's a missing in action act.
And I remember my mother used to say,
it's an application of responsibility.
And her thing was, listen, if someone is grieving
and there's loss and you go over, just get in where you can fit in.
Don't ask, what how do you do this?
How do you do that?
Because, you know, you're making people think
about maybe something they don't want to think about.
Absolutely.
They're thinking, if I have to tell you everything,
you don't have to be here.
Absolutely.
But you, anybody can wipe off a counter and take a seat.
Anybody can, as you say, bring some bagels.
Anybody can drop them off.
Anybody can say, hey, listen, do you need a ride to this or that?
Or I've got an extra theater ticket.
Do you have time?
Anybody can fill the gaps.
But I think sometimes people turn your grief upside down.
And they take over your grief and make you responsible
for making them feel better.
That's exactly the way.
They will say things.
And if you dare to say, well, that's,
I don't feel that way about it.
They are then suddenly offended.
Yes.
If they say, well, he's in a better place,
or she's in a better place,
or they're better off now.
And you say, I don't agree with you.
Or how did you come to that conclusion?
Or maybe you didn't actually know that they would actually
prefer to have stayed here a little bit longer.
Then they want to be defensive or upset
and almost put you in a position
to have to apologize to them.
That is called sitting in a seat of uncomfortability.
OK.
They're sitting in a seat that they're uncomfortable with.
So instead of trying to allow you space
to be more comfortable, to be more at ease, to be calm,
it becomes necessary for them to make themselves
feel a little bit more calm.
And that's why I say becomes more about them
than it becomes about you.
Many people just don't, let's face it.
It's not been more than maybe the last, maybe even 10,
15 years that we have totally talked a lot about grief
and the experiences that people go through during having.
Usually, you just have to at some point in time get over it.
So to speak up the pieces and move on.
Pick up the pieces and move on.
And those are also some of the things that they say.
So I think education is a lot of it.
I think that putting yourself in another person's place,
even if it's just for a minute.
Sometimes just listening.
And just because listening is so hard for people to do.
Because you're not required to answer, find a solution,
fix the problem.
Sometimes you just need to listen to people.
And I'm a talker.
And so that's very hard for me to do,
to really work on that, just in my own personal relationships.
Big lie it.
And just listen to the person.
We laugh and we say, the fastest way to clear room
people out is to talk about grief, dying or loss.
That's true.
Everyone will find the appetizers and leave.
That's true.
That is very, very, very, very true.
Because we don't honor silence the way that we should.
We don't offer people a space to be uncomfortable in.
And so consequently, and you think about women, women are fixers.
Yes.
I'm an early age.
I'm a fixer.
We want to make a person feel better and the only ways
that we know how.
And unless we come from the kind of stuff
that you're talking about, Hetty, or you have such a tremendous support
system around you that you, if you don't come from that area,
you are subject to people and the types of people
that we're talking about.
And so where do you go?
Where do you have to go within whatever that means to you?
If it means checking yourself into a hotel for a weekend, do it.
If it means cutting off all social media, no Facebook,
no television, no radio, no answering the phone, do it.
If it means getting on the phone and calling someone
who you think might just be a good listener, do it.
There are no rules.
There's no regulations.
There's no perfect way that I've ever seen.
Grief, I don't want to say, dealt with, properly dealt with,
because it's different.
Grief is, grief is, grief is, grief like love
is an emotion that has so many different moving parts.
And in many instances in love, you experience this,
you love each other, but you've had arguments,
you have talk about this, but you've shared children,
you've shared experiences.
And now all of a sudden, this person is gone,
but you still think about the conversations.
You still think about the times that you were together.
So it's like, where do I put this now?
Because this person is no longer here for me to talk to.
This person is no longer here to hear me to answer back.
You can sometimes probably even hear yourself saying something
and listening and saying, oh, they're not here.
Well, or yet, I talk at pairs.
Sometimes I still go, we, what I mean, I,
or I go, our, what I mean, mine.
And you know, it's like, I will sometimes hear myself do it.
And other times, I don't.
It's just so natural to say, we, us, our,
and it's sort of like, where's the other person to the hour
or the we or the us?
Give yourself some grace because whenever you've been
in a relationship and I try not to say relationships of time
because time is, is, is very personal as well.
And when you say things like that, it's okay.
It's okay.
And isn't it okay to heal from that grief?
Absolutely.
And to go on it because I think sometimes we feel like it's a betrayal
and will of that relationship or.
And so I think it's very important to to know that it's okay.
It's okay to put those dancing shoes on and dance again.
And dance again.
And dance again.
OK, and that's been wonderful.
Thank you, Felicia.
You've given us so much in life, so much, so much light
in this little dark room that we found ourselves in.
Tony likes to call it her cave.
Well, that's understanding us in the cave.
Thank you.
We're delighted that you're able to come.
Our next guest will be Mr. Ralph Carter.
And he's going to come to us and talk to us
about finding solace and hope through new relationships
and connections.
Love after seven.
Love after seven.
How about maybe one of the co-op?
Why are you back, Felicia?
And now she's also sort of quite sex-thirred.
So we may have to talk to Felicia about seven.
We'll hold on to that one now.
All right.
So long, and we're so really hoping you'll join us again.
We always like to interact as much as we say.
Thanks for joining us today.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
To soul's reminisce on life's winding man.
Yeah, yeah.
We're laughter and tales from a time so bold.
They share the stories yet untold.
Oh, two dancing widows in a dance of life's embrace.
Finding rhythm after 70 in time and space.
With every step a new story unfolds in their journey.
The beauty of aging is told.
Two dancing widows in a dance of life's embrace.
Finding rhythm after all in time and space.
With every step a new story unfolds in their journey.
The beauty of life is told.
It's told.