When you’re thinking of the way you do conflict in a relationship, see if this resonates:
Your partner comes home from a stressful day. They're quiet. Distant.
When you try to connect, they give you one-word answers or just stare blankly.
You ask what's wrong. "Nothing," they say. But you can feel the wall between you.
You try harder. Maybe you offer solutions, ask more questions, or attempt physical affection.
Nothing works. In fact, it seems to make things worse.
So you retreat, frustrated and confused. Another evening lost to this invisible barrier.
If you’re normally successful in other areas, this scenario creates a particular kind of torture.
You can solve complex problems at work. You can manage teams, negotiate deals, and strategize solutions to big challenges.
But when your partner shuts down, these same folks who can crush it in other arenas feel completely weak and powerless.
The invitation is for you to understand something deeper:
Your partner isn't choosing to shut you out. They're not consciously trying to punish you. They're not even likely consciously deciding to withdraw.
They're in what neuroscientists call "dorsal vagal shutdown" – a nervous system state where the body essentially goes offline to protect itself from overwhelm.
Think of it as your partner's internal circuit breaker flipping when the emotional load becomes too much.
But here's where it gets particularly painful for those who are successful:
Everything you've learned about problem-solving actually makes this worse.
Your analytical mind kicks in: "What's the issue? How can I fix this? What's the logical solution?"
You might offer advice, try to reason with them, or suggest practical steps to address their stress.
All of these approaches – brilliant in professional contexts – push them deeper into shutdown.
Because you cannot think your way out of a nervous system state.
You can only feel your way out.
This creates a crappy cycle:
Your partner shuts down → You try to problem-solve → They retreat further → You feel more helpless → You either shut down yourself or become agitated → Both of you end up disconnected and hurt.
For many couples, this pattern becomes their default. Particularly when both partners are high-achievers who've built their identities around being competent problem-solvers.
The frustration is immense:
"Why can't they just tell me what's wrong?" "I'm trying to help – why are they pushing me away?" "We can handle everything else in our lives. Why is this so hard?"
The exhaustion builds over time:
Walking on eggshells, never knowing when your partner might shut down. Feeling like a failure in the one relationship that matters most. Questioning whether you're truly compatible with someone who seems to speak a different emotional language.
For men especially, this pattern can feel emasculating. You want to be the person your partner can turn to, but instead, you feel like your presence makes things worse.
For women, it can feel lonely and invalidating. You know something's wrong, but you can't break through to offer support.
Both partners end up feeling like victims of the other's emotional states.
But check this out:
Those moments when your partner shuts down aren't relationship failures. They're opportunities to develop one of the most powerful relationship skills possible.
The ability to help another human being regulate their nervous system.
Becoming a safe “co-regulator” isn't just about being supportive. It's about understanding the actual neurobiology of emotional states and learning to work with them rather than against them.
When someone is in dorsal shutdown, they're not being difficult.
Their nervous system has determined that the safest response to overwhelm is to essentially hibernate.
Your job isn't to pull them out of this state through logic or problem-solving.Your job is to help them feel safe enough to naturally emerge from it.
This looks like sitting with them without trying to fix anything. Validating their experience: "I can see you're really overwhelmed right now." Creating space for them to feel whatever they're feeling without judgment.
What’s cool about this is that when you learn to do this skillfully, it gives you a superpower in your relationship.
Instead of feeling helpless when your partner is dysregulated, you become the person who can help them find their way back to connection.
Instead of being victimized by their emotional states, you become a co-regulating presence.
I’m not talking about psychobabble theory here. It's a learnable skill based on understanding how the nervous system actually works.
The autonomic nervous system has three main states:
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): Numbness, withdrawal, feeling overwhelmed or frozen Sympathetic (Activation): Anxiety, anger, fight-or-flight responses Ventral Vagal (Safety): Connection, calm, presence, joyMost relationship advice assumes everyone is in the ventral state – calm and able to communicate rationally.
But when you look at the last time you were in conflict– in a sympathetic state– think of how well your communication was landing.
(Not good.)
Learning to recognize which state your partner is in – and how to help them move toward safety – transforms everything.
When your partner is shut down, you learn to help them access their feelings safely.
When they're activated and reactive, you learn to help them regulate without escalating. When they're in the safety state, you learn to maintain and deepen that connection.
This gives you flexibility instead of reactivity. Choice instead of automatic responses.
Most importantly, it gives you the ability to be truly helpful during your partner's most difficult moments.
All because you’ve first mastered yourself.
The couples who master this together describe their relationships as fundamentally different from anything they've experienced before.
Instead of walking on eggshells around each other's emotions, they become each other's nervous system regulators.
Instead of conflicts that leave both people depleted, they have ruptures that actually deepen intimacy through skillful repair.
Instead of feeling like victims of each other's moods, they feel empowered to create safety and connection even during challenging times.
This is what's possible when you understand that relationships aren't just about communication – they're about nervous system attunement.
And the coolest thing our cyclebreakers tell me Is that this skill serves you everywhere.
In parenting. In leadership. In any situation where someone else's emotional state affects the outcome.
(where doesn’t it, really.)
You develop what can only be described as emotional intelligence in action – the ability to read nervous system states and respond in ways that create rather than destroy connection.
When I made that my number 1 priority to learn, my entire world changed for the better. And these two humans get to be the benefactor.
Your guide to nervous system mastery, And your wingman on the adventure,
Nima (I stand for healed families) _____________________________________
P.S. If this message resonated with you, and you're ready to develop the "superpower" of nervous system regulation in your relationships, I may be able to help.
I'm offering a limited number of Nervous System Mastery Sessions (valued at $497) for individuals who want to transform how they handle emotional challenges in their relationships.
In just one 30-minute session, we'll:
Identify which nervous system states you and your partner commonly experience
Understand your specific triggers and shutdown patterns
Learn practical techniques for helping your partner (and yourself) regulate during difficult moments
Discover how to move from being victimized by emotions to becoming a skilled co-regulator
Create a roadmap for developing this "superpower" that transforms conflicts into connection
To be considered, comment or DM with:
A description of how emotional overwhelm shows up in your relationship
What you've tried that hasn't worked
What you hope to achieve through mastering nervous system regulation
End your response: "Nima, can I please get a link to your private calendar?"
This conversation could give you the tools to never again feel helpless when your partner is struggling – and transform those challenging moments into opportunities for deeper connection.
What is Trigger Proof Transmissions (Cyclebreaker Collective)?
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
now our work isn't to be in vententral all the time It's to learn how to have capacity go into dorsal freeze and then open into safety Go into sympathetic and come out of it Our work isn't to be in vententral all the time It's to have flexibility to go from dorsal up the ladder the autonomic ladder into sympathetic into vententral
Now the cool part about this if you learn this it gives you a slight advantage in your worth as a partner because when I look at my wife and I can tell when she's in dorsal because she's got so overwhelmed she hasn't slept she's looking after the kid whatever it was And then I go in there and I see her and I'm like "Oh she's in dorsal I know how to get her out." I go "Tell me how you're feeling babe." And she starts feeling I go "It's okay to feel the sadness." And then I validate the sadness and I get her into her tears And the second I get her into her tears boom she's now gone from dorsal up into sympathetic And then I just validate and hold space for those And then boom she's now in vententral You must feel your way out You can't think your way out of this gentlemen Those of you who have medical degrees and really advanced training have a huge disadvantage in this because you've developed your sense of worth in being in cognition But in this line of mastery it's all about being able to work with that energetic feeling sense which is the feminine within you and be a safe container for your own feelings And then once I learn how to do that I can then do that for my partner This is why I love teaching this especially to men because it just gives you a superpower because you're no longer victimized by your woman's emotions when you get this right And women you're no longer victimized by your partner your men when they're having their big emotions is you're able to be compassionate with one another especially if both of you are willing to do the this work together Huge advantage Like I'm looking and I'm like there is like a huge upside when both parties are willing to take on the work
