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When a bone breaks, the recovery process goes through three stages: reactive, reparative, and remodeling. It takes a while for each of these stages to occur, but the bone ultimately heals back stronger than it was before. Interestingly, the healing of a bone after a break is the perfect metaphor for when a mistake is made in the mentoring relationship. The relationship experiences the same stages of reacting, repairing, and remodeling. John Barnard takes over the podcast as our newest host with Zach as his guest as they discuss what the mentoring relationship looks like in each of these three stages and how you can press into helping your mentee grow while going through the process.
Show Notes
When a bone breaks, the recovery process goes through three stages: reactive, reparative, and remodeling. It takes a while for each of these stages to occur, but the bone ultimately heals back stronger than it was before. Interestingly, the healing of a bone after a break is the perfect metaphor for when a mistake is made in the mentoring relationship. The relationship experiences the same stages of reacting, repairing, and remodeling. John Barnard takes over the podcast as our newest host with Zach as his guest as they discuss what the mentoring relationship looks like in each of these three stages and how you can press into helping your mentee grow while going through the process.
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Welcome, listener. I'm John. I'm sitting across the table from my friend, Zack. Good morning, Zack.
Speaker 3:Hi, John.
Speaker 2:I always have to remember that we record pretty early in the morning because we live very active lives with many responsibilities, not unlike our listeners. However, wouldn't you say that most of our listeners probably take this in later in the day?
Speaker 3:I don't know. I assume that most of our listeners listen to us whilst exercising. Yeah. Possibly raking the leaves or doing other various forms of yard work. Maybe on commutes when they're in their automobile or bicycle or rollerblades.
Speaker 2:And they just take you throughout the day, don't they?
Speaker 3:I envision that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. Well, I can't be more excited about what we're gonna talk about today.
Speaker 3:I can tell it because you sound really excited.
Speaker 2:I am. I am. And I don't regret that. Guys, we
Speaker 3:John's leading this podcast for the first time ever, and there's a lot of anticipation in the air. There's a lot of excitement. John is downright giddy right now.
Speaker 2:There's a little humidity in this room as well. Have you felt that?
Speaker 3:It is. It's, like, 75 degrees outside. It's nasty.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Waco. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Listen. You're about to turn 40 years old.
Speaker 3:I've been talking about it for 18 months. That's right.
Speaker 2:And and it's like, what do you give the guy who has everything is what I've been asking myself. Mhmm. And finally, I've I've determined what I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you the 3 secrets to success in your forties. Please.
Speaker 2:Are you ready for those?
Speaker 3:Can't wait. You're eating it right now?
Speaker 2:I was going to. I don't know if you're taking this serious enough for me to for me to do this. And so I don't know if I need to save it for another podcast episode, or do you feel like you can handle it if I give you these things right now?
Speaker 3:Give it to me. Are you sure? I'm as serious as the day is long.
Speaker 2:Okay. You're about to turn 40? Mhmm. Do you have a decade of of victories, of challenges, of setbacks, of gains? You know, the Lord is going to use you in mighty ways.
Speaker 2:Right? Your family will grow. All of your children will be you know, by the time you're 50 years old, goodness, they're gonna be out of the house with careers. Okay. Maybe not that.
Speaker 2:Are you ready, though? 3 the 3 the 3 secrets Yes. Of your forties. Please. Number 1.
Speaker 2:I'll just give them all 3 to you because I don't want you to be overwhelmed. Yeah. Live, laugh, and love. Alright? I I don't know
Speaker 3:what I was expecting, and I should have been expecting something like that, but I was actually expecting you to drop some wisdom on that.
Speaker 2:Do you want me to explain those to you?
Speaker 3:No. I don't.
Speaker 2:Actually, today, we're talking about something really exciting. The title of today's podcast is broken bones when mentees make mistakes. I'm excited about talking about this today, Zach, because mistakes, setbacks, struggles, they're a part of life. They're certainly a part of our mentor mentee relationship. And I think it's really important that we go into when these things happen in life as they do prepared.
Speaker 2:And so I'm I'm I'm excited for us to equip our mentors this morning with this topic.
Speaker 3:Before we get started on this, John, do we want to talk about your t shirt or your coffee mug?
Speaker 2:Dude, I would be more than happy to talk about either one.
Speaker 3:Because we are talking about mistakes.
Speaker 2:And Wait a minute.
Speaker 3:I'm just kidding. So John is currently drinking out of a gingerbread man coffee mug. Would you like to explain this?
Speaker 2:Well, thankfully, I know that in this friendship, I don't have to explain myself, but I'm I'm I am gonna take the opportunity to do so right now. And that is because, as I mentioned before, we're in the spirit that we're in the season of Advent.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Correct? And during Advent, kinda before that 1st Sunday, you know what I do? I go up in the attic, and I pull the Christmas decorations down Mhmm. And the ornaments, and I pull down the especially heavy tub of Christmas dishes. And inside that tub, you find mugs like this.
Speaker 2:And so what I do as you know, I kinda have a relationship with coffee mugs. Right.
Speaker 3:That's why I asked.
Speaker 2:And so during Christmas, instead of using my typical working class, working man Christmas mug coffee mug, rather, I use one of our our Christmas mugs there. And so there it is in all its glory.
Speaker 3:For the listener at home, John and I are gonna make a special effort this week to post on the social medias, and you will see this coffee mug on Instagram.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I hope somebody out there does that as well. Gets excited about just seasonal changes. You know? And then listen.
Speaker 2:After Christmas is over, what am I gonna do? Put the mugs back up. They go up in the attic, and I'll have had that that time. Now you mentioned the shirt Yes. As well.
Speaker 2:Do you know what what this guy's name is?
Speaker 3:Bones.
Speaker 2:Okay. It says bones. That's true. Mhmm. But the guy's name, who's the the the skeleton who's ripping out of wherever he is Flesh.
Speaker 3:It looks like flesh.
Speaker 2:I don't know if that's supposed to represent that.
Speaker 3:John has a pattern of wearing almost evil shirts.
Speaker 2:Wait a minute. Anybody who knows anything about eighties skateboarding knows that it's not really evil. It's fun loving.
Speaker 3:It's not demonic. It looks demonic.
Speaker 2:No. No. Inside you are bones. Oh my god. Inside me are bones.
Speaker 2:They are the very the structure of life, Zach.
Speaker 3:Let's talk about mentoring.
Speaker 2:Anyway, I'm wearing my Bones T shirt. This guy's name his name is Ripper. Oh. He's the Ripper.
Speaker 3:That sounds so evil.
Speaker 2:And that's from Powell Pearl to skateboards of the eighties. And one of my favorite brands, and I and I love wearing Gone. I love wearing Powell stuff.
Speaker 3:You know no one who listens to this podcast knows anything about skateboarding.
Speaker 2:But they will now. They know you know what? They they know Tony Hawk. He rode for Powell. Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Alright. So broken bones, we're talking about when mentees make mistakes. And we've talked about this often, but you know what? Mentees make mistakes often Yeah. And so do mentors.
Speaker 3:And it's just a relationship. Like, relationships are messy. And the closer you get with someone, the more mistakes you make, the more opportunities for resolution, might I say. 100%. So, John, why don't you take us into this?
Speaker 2:Okay. So as you probably know this already, the healing process of bones is pretty complicated, but it can be broken down into 3 phases. There's the reactive phase, during which the area around the break swells. The reparative phase, during which the membrane that covers your bone converts itself into bone and cartilage cells and segments. And finally the remodeling phase wherein the let me see if I can say this right.
Speaker 2:Trabicular or temporary bone is replaced with compact permanent bone. I thought this was a really interesting metaphor for relationship. You know the old saying, like, when a bone breaks it it grows back stronger? Yes. Okay.
Speaker 2:Is it true? You know, it sort of is. It really is at the point where you think about the very the very point of a break when it does kind of calcify and grow back in this process as I just mentioned to you. It is stronger. However, there's still some some kind of lasting effects or maybe some vulnerability there.
Speaker 2:And I just thought, man, that's a great metaphor for relationship. Mentoring, marriage, whatever other relationship that we have, things get broken, things get said that shouldn't have, betrayal, you just you name it, and it and it happens in relationship. And so if we go into these relationships, like with our mentees, knowing that they're going to fail us or they're gonna make a mistake even in their own life, even if it doesn't have anything to do with us, we still wanna be equipped to be able to know, hey, this is kind of how this works. This is what happens, and this is how we can work to repair that process and and understand and then give and give our mentee that tool to understand that this is what they'll do as a parent someday or or a mentor themselves. So we can frame our mentoring relationships in the same way when it comes to them making mistakes, whether it's something that they do or or say that hurts us or causes a major impact or a major issue for their lives.
Speaker 3:So, like, I think this is important because I remember whenever I started out mentoring, I didn't necessarily think about these things. The only thing I was thinking about was, I'm gonna hang out with a kid, and their lives are gonna get better because of me, which I hope that happens. But I think in this podcast, there's an opportunity if you're just starting out or even if you've been mentoring for a long time, just to be reminded that, 1, mistakes are gonna happen. And the longer you get into your mentee relationship, the more opportunity for kinda hurt to happen. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, especially in mentoring, especially when you're dealing with a with a 16 year old kid with a 8 year old kid.
Speaker 3:So just knowing that it's gonna happen. And then 2, when it does happen, it's not always a bad thing. In fact, there's an opportunity for good to come from it, which that's what we're gonna talk about today. Totally.
Speaker 2:And let me kinda compare right before we get into these phases. I just kinda wanna set up where when we we can really kinda look at relationship in 2 ways. We can look at it in such a way that when we kind of meet somebody or when we begin our mentor relationship, we kind of think that we are like at the 100% mark for this relationship. Like it's perfect at this point. Right?
Speaker 2:No one's done anything wrong. We're both just really kind of happy as we learn about each other. The bummer about starting a relationship that way by saying, hey listen, you know, this is perfect, is that all it can do is go down from there. Right? All you can really do is be disappointed with a person because people make mistakes.
Speaker 2:So what I like to do whenever entering into a relationship like this is realizing, you know what? We haven't really experienced anything together yet, so we don't really have anything together. Instead, what I want to do is I want to start off this relationship at the zero level and I want to build it together. Okay? We're at the foundation.
Speaker 2:So that with that, as you know, circumstances and experience is kinda what builds relationship when you spend time together. Like in youth ministry, what we'd say is Sundays and Wednesday programming, those are so important, so valuable. However, if we really want our students to grow in this ministry and really kinda grow together, we've gotta take them on a trip. Like, they have to have shared experience kinda outside the usual scheduled stuff. And so just kinda keep that in mind as well.
Speaker 2:How great would it be to give someone such the benefit of the doubt to say, hey, listen. As we grow this friendship, you know, good things will happen, bad things will happen. But right now, I'm gonna really lower my expectations and just enjoy us kind of growing together and knowing that when a mistake happens, I'm not going to write you off. I'm not gonna cancel this relationship because, hey. You had your chance and you made a mistake, and and, you know, as soon as you make one, we're done instead.
Speaker 2:Just knowing that they're going to happen, and so we're gonna we're gonna roll with it as it does.
Speaker 3:Well and I think that's a great point because if you're mentoring specifically a kid from a hard place, a kid who's experienced trauma, a kid who's experienced difficult situations, that's like the number one question that they're asking is, is this person gonna leave me? Just like every person that I've interacted with in the past has left me. You know, that that's a that's a extremely strong statement. But I think that you guys understand is what's gonna happen to me in the past gonna happen here. Right.
Speaker 3:And so we have an opportunity to to know that that's what they're thinking and to with as much intentionality as possible, kinda guard that lie from coming true in their heads. And so this is an opportunity for us as mentors to to look for that chance and to instead of allowing a mistake to kill the relationship, it actually strengthens it. 100%. And that's a great segue into the first stage that
Speaker 2:we're gonna talk about, which is the reactive phase, to be reminded that you as their mentor may be the one healthy adult in their whole life. And so how you react is just so very important.
Speaker 3:And it kinda goes like, how you respond is kinda everything, and there's 2 things that are happening whenever you do respond. 1, they are experiencing you in real time. But the second thing that you're doing is you're painting a picture of how they could respond in the future whenever they experience something that they weren't expecting. So, like, yes, you there's something going on in the now in regards to your relationship, but you're also painting a picture of hey. When bad things do happen, when someone that you care about makes a mistake, when things don't go your way, here's how a mature adult responds in a healthy way.
Speaker 3:Because you can't be what you can't see. So if the only thing a kid has experienced is when they mess up, an adult freaks out on them. Well, when they become an adult and things don't go as planned, they're gonna freak out because that's all that they've seen. That's all that they know. You have an opportunity to paint a different picture.
Speaker 2:That's right. So important. So this one kinda hit hits close to home.
Speaker 3:There it is again.
Speaker 2:Got lanes.
Speaker 3:At phlegm.
Speaker 2:As we think about this, the in the in the reactive phase, it it hits close to home with me because even this week my family was talking about this. So it is such that my wife or my kids will say, hey, I didn't I wasn't sure how you felt about this thing that I was talking about with you because of how you of how your face looks. And so I don't know if you have this issue, but I have a I have a problem that my face doesn't always correlate well to how the state of of mind that I have about a situation. And so they they may think that I'm upset or they may think that I'm completely distant in the issue because because of how my face looks, and so we want to remember that in this reactive phases, our mentee may be sharing what they've done or what they're struggling with. We've got we've got to be aware, kind of hold up that mental mirror to our to our face to say, how am I communicating as they speak?
Speaker 2:Do I look like I'm angry? You know? Again, what are my nonverbals? Big deal. How about how are how are you on that, Zach?
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm terrible. I'm just like I always look like I'm about to punch someone. And especially with my kids, like my poor kids, man. Like, my my son was we were practicing for a spelling test. Right?
Speaker 3:And he couldn't spell the word ankle. Kept on saying a n c k, and he said it seriously 17 times. And I was getting a little frustrated, and you could just see on my face that I was, like, getting Yeah. Pretty frustrated. And my poor kid, he's so sensitive.
Speaker 3:And in that moment, I just had to check myself and be like, how does he see me right now? Mhmm. Because you can kinda look in their eyes and see how they're experiencing you. So me, and this might be with everyone, it's an intentional practice to convey positive nonverbal nonverbals. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So, like, I have to think to myself, okay, Zach, you probably look like a jerk right now. Smile or nod or affirm them or things like that. Mhmm. Because a person's going to believe how they see you more than what you say.
Speaker 2:So Sure. 100%. It's important stuff. So communicate clearly without overreacting. We also wanna offer grace during that time.
Speaker 2:Right? We wanna be mindful of that, and this is where we, again, understand what what the Lord has given us. We are also giving to our mentee, And so we want to be graceful in our words, in our actions, and and even in in how we present ourself and and what our body posture is like during that time.
Speaker 3:And I think a great way of doing this is by asking questions. So, like, if a kid's like, hey. You know, anything from I failed my math test to I got in a fight to I got my girlfriend pregnant, I mean, the spectrum is big as to what kind of mistakes they could communicate to you. And so I think a great thing to do is instead of being like, oh my gosh, what's wrong with you? Or, oh my gosh, that's terrible or da da da da, like, save save your statements and instead ask questions.
Speaker 3:Well, how did that, Oh my gosh. If I were in your shoes, I would be overwhelmed. How do you feel right now? Or what were you thinking whenever you first found out? Or, you know and so trying to, through questions, get to get to the question, how is your heart?
Speaker 3:What are you truly feeling right now? Are you fearful? Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you filled with shame?
Speaker 3:And so I think asking questions in a in a calm way and not not only are your nonverbals important, but your tone is as well. So that's just kind of my my 2ยข.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And that speaks into practicing sympathy. And that sympathy, I think, is also important in that this is something to kinda be mindful of. And it may not be a large issue, and you may think, well, I don't know how significant that is. But I would I would challenge you to think about what's the difference in being able to say, hey, look.
Speaker 2:You're gonna be okay with this. And the difference of saying, hey, we are gonna get through this. You know, you have to remember that during this time when your mentee has made a mistake, the enemy will be attacking. Because what does the enemy do? He isolates.
Speaker 2:He says, I'm gonna separate you from the flock, and then I can attack you because you're gonna be that much more vulnerable. And so when a mentee has made a mistake maybe in life and they think, oh my gosh, my life is over. What am I going to do? I'm gonna be kicked out, you know, I'm gonna be kicked off the team. Right?
Speaker 2:Anything that kind of takes them away from community is such a struggle and such an issue, and we'd we'd hate for in that mentoring relationship for it to be yet another kind of isolating event. And so how important is it as a mentor to be able to say, okay, we are going to work through this issue together. You know? And I think that's a that's really kind of calming and very kind of centering for our mentee when they can say, okay, you you got me in this. Right?
Speaker 2:Like like, you're not going to again, as you mentioned earlier, you're not gonna leave me because I made this mistake. It's so good and such a mature thing to be able to say to a mentee, hey. Our circumstances, even though there's some brokenness, it doesn't break our relationship. Like, our relationship of friend and of mentor, that goes beyond something that you can do. Okay?
Speaker 2:And that that again is something that's so important that will kind of speak into their familial relationships as well, and what's something that we wanna be able to confirm, and we wanna reaffirm love and the fact that we're not going anywhere.
Speaker 3:Which, John, I think I think what you just said, it's one thing to think that. It's a totally different thing to say that. And I would encourage you as a mentor, if you and your mentee do experience hard times, to actually say what you just said. Hey, look, our circumstances doesn't change relationship. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 3:We will get through this. And I think that I think that you're conveying unconditional love, and you're conveying the fact that, like, hey, I'm I don't care what you do. I love you for you. And, yeah, you're gonna make mistakes just like I do, but that doesn't change how I feel about you, which is exactly what the Lord says to us whenever we mess up. So I think that's great.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 2:This is a nonperformance based relationship. Right?
Speaker 3:It's all about identity. It's all about who you are, and I I love you for you, not for what you do.
Speaker 2:Okay. And that's the reactive phase. Really good. And now we start thinking about the reparative phase. Right?
Speaker 2:This is where we really start seeing some repair happen. So we've we've kinda understood, man, we wanna be less on the reactive end. We don't wanna overreact to a situation. We wanna really kinda keep our cool. We wanna ask those good questions like you mentioned, and we wanna kind of set the tone for, okay, we're gonna rebuild this thing.
Speaker 2:We really are. The, you know, the Bible says that we have the ministry of reconciliation. As those who follow Christ, we've been given this we've been equipped with this ministry. And I think what what a beautiful thing, right, that we can reconcile as God has reconciled our sin in the form of Christ's sacrifice, we now have this equipping that we can apply that to relationships. When those in our lives break that community, we have the ability to to reconcile through a process of understanding with grace and with mercy.
Speaker 2:And so this is really kinda where we find ourselves in this relationship as well. Repairing what is broken is a process, and it takes time, but we wanna remind our mentees that we're committed to that process and to them.
Speaker 3:And it's kinda like what you said earlier. Anytime you make a mistake, anytime your mentee makes a mistake, that's, like, prime time for the enemy to come in and just lie. And they see an opportunity, and he's like, I'm gonna take advantage of this, and I'm gonna tell him who the world thinks he is. He or she is a they're a failure. They're a mess up.
Speaker 3:They're never gonna amount to anything. They don't have a future. They you're gonna leave them. Like, all of these lies can just come flooding in, and you have an opportunity to dispel those lies with truth. And the truth is that Jesus loves them just as they are, not as they should be.
Speaker 3:The truth is that you're not going anywhere. The truth is that you can be restored. The truth is that you have a future and a hope. The truth is and so on. So and that's really hard when a mentee says something that disappoints you.
Speaker 3:Because as much as we all wanna be objective, there's still I mean, you've got a little bit of skin in the game as a mentor. And when your mentee makes a mistake that is going to get you off track of the goals that you 2 have agreed on, that's gonna hurt, and there's gonna be some disappointment. And that's okay to a certain degree, but you have to, in that moment, be able to speak truth even when you are hurt, frustrated, disappointed, scared. Because I know with me, I've had some kids who I've invested into, and they do something and I'm sitting here like, that's a game changer. Like, you just went to prison, or you just got pregnant, or you you just failed out of school, or you just got kicked out of your house, or you're doing drugs, or right?
Speaker 3:Like, there's some big things. But to and and that scares me. That frightens me. And so how how do I cast out fear through perfect love, which that can only be found in Jesus?
Speaker 2:Man, you got it. You're you're speaking a lot of truth with that. You're right. Because there will be things that maybe our mentee does, and maybe we begin to doubt, you know, the Lord's work in that or to think, oh, is this is this something that that he or she can bounce back from? And, man, that all the all the more reason for us to have faith in the fact that that that will happen.
Speaker 3:So, John, like, how how can you as a mentor stir up hope? How can you ignite hope in the midst of broken hard mistakes?
Speaker 2:Okay. So during this reparative process, right, here here are just a few things to to practice. For 1, we want to remind we want to be able to remind our mentee all the good things that have happened, because remember in the in the moment when a mistake has been made or when a setback has happened, you kind of feel like all is lost. I can't believe I worked so hard, right, and now here I am. Look what I've done.
Speaker 2:Look what's happened. That's when we step in as the mentor and say, but hold on. Remember, you've done so well, and this mistake does not negate how hard you've worked over the last 2 years, right, and all the good things that you've done, man. Your grades have been so good, right? You've been applying yourself to this.
Speaker 2:So we as a mentor want to remind the the truth of what's gonna happen. We want to be the record keeper to show that timeline because that's gonna encourage. We want to repeat these things as well. We want to remember that we are a forgetful people. As I say often, what do the Israelites have to do when God did something incredible in their midst?
Speaker 2:They built a monument, right? They built that altar. They piled up these rocks so that when people came by later and said what are those pile of rocks for? Someone could say, well, this is because God did something great. And so we want to be those we want to be able to repeat these things to our mentee on a constant basis.
Speaker 2:Man, I'm so proud of you. Remember when you got, you know, most improved player or or whatever? We want to remind them of these great things that have happened and and always repeat these. And then we also want to be reaffirming in the midst of, man, there's so much reason for me to be disappointed, or I can't believe I did this, or whatever else. We wanna be the reaffirmers.
Speaker 2:We wanna speak hope into the situation. And sometimes what that looks like, Zach, is because, as you know, when a mentee struggles, when a family member struggles, when when we've struggled in our lives, and we kind of think, how on earth am I going to get through this huge issue? And how do we do that? You know, how do we eat that elephant? Well, it's one bite at a time.
Speaker 2:And so the work of the mentor sometimes during this phase is just reminding our mentee that what do they need to do? They just need to do the next right thing for today and not worry about the fact that this process may take weeks or months to get through, but they've been given today as a gift. And so you are with them. The Lord is with them on their side, and I wanna take those baby steps and realize that let's not be overwhelmed by the marathon, but instead, let's just do what we need to do today.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. Like, I I know for me, I'm sometimes I focus in on, like, okay. I've got this mentee who's in 6th grade, and all we talk about is college. And I'm like, yeah.
Speaker 3:That can be a little overwhelming. Like, that might put a lot of pressure on a kid. And instead of college, let's talk about the math test on Friday. And, hey, let's you made a 70 last week. Let's make an 85 this week.
Speaker 3:Didn't get through that, and then focus on the math test the next week, and then focus on the math test the next week. And if you can focus in on these baby steps of these these action items that Minty can look at and say, I can do that. I can go from a 70 to an 85. You know, that's different from going to, I just failed a math test in 6th grade to, are you gonna major in science or math in college? Right?
Speaker 2:Like Yeah.
Speaker 3:You can help them see the finish or the next finish line Yeah. The next checkpoint, I guess.
Speaker 2:For sure. It's great. Alright. Our 3rd phase. We've reacted.
Speaker 2:Right? We begin the act of repairing, and then finally, we're in that mode of of remodeling. Okay? So as trust gets reinstated, you continue to communicate your feelings because communication is so important during the entire process so that your mentee knows really where you stand. And some of that, Zach, is not only communicating, you know, these principles that are valuable and kind of being the rock during that situation.
Speaker 2:But you know what? Sometimes you can even you can even communicate your vulnerabilities or maybe something that you are struggling with that your mentee can handle to be able to say, hey, listen. I'm 100% about you. I am I am excited about being able to, you know, have you maybe restore if it's a situation outside of our relationship or if it's a situation that happened within our relationship, and that that's where the damage was done. I'm committed to this being 100% strong again.
Speaker 2:However, we're still in a process, and I still wanna be able to build this trust with you. So I'm committed to you, but we're still in that. And that's something that I think a mentee can can really handle to say, oh, okay. I get it. You're not you're not mad at me.
Speaker 2:You're not trying to punish me for what I've done, but instead, you're showing me the natural consequence. And so being able to speak about natural consequences is, I think, really important because it's just it just goes to show, listen. It still is an effect that we're having to deal with because of this thing that happened.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Like, that's I mean, that's just kinda how life is. And I don't think you can paint paint a picture of this, like, fairy tale life where you make a really bad choice and nothing and it doesn't impact anything. Right? And so I think that you're just slowly but surely introducing your mentee to this is what life is as an adult.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:When you mess up, whether it's intentional or unintentional, there are consequences. And here's how to get through those in a healthy way without having it take you out. I also think it's really important for us to share with mentees times whenever we made mistakes and what we learned from it Mhmm. To show them that we're not Superman or, you know, we're not invincible. So
Speaker 2:You know what? I was also thinking that not only it does it not only is it counterintuitive to really what a healthy relationship is when it comes to responsibility, but, honestly, it does our mentees a disservice. Because imagine kinda coming in to our mentee with something that they just have done and saying, oh, listen. Everything's gonna be okay. And we're you know, even to say we're gonna get through this, but without that element of, hey.
Speaker 2:There are gonna be some things that you're going to have to that we're going to have to go through now because of the results. But not not allowing them to to feel those natural consequences kinda gives them an unrealistic view of what of what adulthood is, right, to say, oh, no no no. Don't worry. You're not gonna be responsible. I'll take care of this for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That that really would be I mean, we would never wanna do that with our kids because we realize that, goodness, we want them to kind of learn that when something happens and when they are responsible for something, they need to see that through, and that will be that will make them stronger through it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Like, I I think an example that makes sense here is, you know, I once gave my mentee my car keys. Hey. You can take my car out, but just be sure to have it back by, you know, 10. And they didn't get back till, like, 3 in the morning.
Speaker 3:And, like, there's a consequence to be had there. There's a conversation to be had there. A mistake was made, and I think they know that. Like, I think a mentee I don't know if they're trying to push you. I don't know if they're trying to test you.
Speaker 3:I don't know what, but most of the time, you can have, like, a civil conversation with them and be like, look, I still love you. Like, I'm still for you. You're not gonna take my car out again because you stole it, and that's okay. But I'm not going anywhere. And I think that, like, a mentee is smart enough to be like, yeah.
Speaker 3:You're right. Right. I did take your car and keep it out 5 hours after you told me not to.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And so and I think in some ways, you can almost, like, make that not as like a joke, but you can you can kinda laugh about that. Like, hey, dude. Look. Like, I'm I'm not gonna give you my car. How come?
Speaker 3:Because the last time you took it, you stole it until 3 in the morning. Okay. Right?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You know,
Speaker 3:you're like I don't think that's hard to understand. Sure.
Speaker 2:Our kids, mentees, what what what do they do? I mean, what do they spend so much of their energy and time doing? Testing the waters? Yeah. They're kinda testing the parameters to see how much they may be able to get away with or or really they're gonna just even see us and how we're going to react in in it.
Speaker 2:And and you know what? What they're doing in that a lot of times, Zach, is they're testing our consistency. Mhmm. And so as we need to be stringent and communicative and open, but but also consistent in the small things, well, that's gonna speak into the large things as well. And so we wanna definitely practice that.
Speaker 3:Which, like, sometimes a mentee and this is something that we have talked about often, but sometimes in the 1st 3 months, 6 months of a mentoring relationship, they'll do something big, and it's kind of a defense mechanism. It's a, okay, this guy's getting kinda close, or she's been showing up a lot. Are they for real? Are they gonna leave me? Maybe if I do this, it'll test, and then I'll be able to see, can I really trust them?
Speaker 3:So just that's something to possibly be prepared for.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Good stuff. Again, just as God has forgiven us, we forgive our our mentee. And you had a good note on this episode and and during this stage as well, and that is that during this remodeling phase, we also want to be mindful that maybe we kind of have that big conversation where we're where we're being consistent with them and we're reaffirming and we're reminding them of their goodness. You know sometimes it's important part of that process is understanding that that our work isn't done even in that moment because there might be a lot of emotion.
Speaker 2:Certainly, they're kinda dealing with that and processing it, but we wanna maybe give that a few days, and then we wanna come back. We wanna be the initiator in that, right, to call, to text, and to say, hey. Listen. How are we? You know, how are how are you doing?
Speaker 2:What can I be praying for you about? You know, are there any other developments? Just how are you feeling with this? And that that's gonna go a really long way to show that consistency and and, again, being setting a tone for a relationship that they probably don't have otherwise in their in their lives.
Speaker 3:I think it's just, you know, conflict is terrifying. And whenever you engage in conflict, there's always fears. Right? Like, fears that this is not gonna end well. Fear fears that this is gonna kill the relationship.
Speaker 3:Fears that they're not going to like you, or that, you know, they're going to not want to hang out with you, or that there's just so many fears. But if we, as mentors, can believe the best, if we, as mentors, in faith, do the right thing and address conflict with faith and with hope and see it as a learning experience, see it as something that can actually bring us closer together instead of grows further apart, I think there's a real opportunity here to strengthen relationships that a broken bone truly can grow back stronger. But it's all about our perspective. It's all about us as adults taking the high road and seeing it for what it is, which is an opportunity.
Speaker 2:Alright. That's it. React, repair, remodel. Good stuff. John,
Speaker 3:we gotta do something about this flint, bro. I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2:Maybe just like some Mucinex. Like, I'll I'll set up like an IV right here, and I can just kinda be on a drip during the recording process.
Speaker 3:I love it. Alright. Anything else for our listeners, sir?
Speaker 2:I don't think so. Hey, listen. Happy birthday, dude. It's coming. It's coming.
Speaker 2:It's coming. The next time that we we sit at these microphones, Zach, we're just gonna be a couple of guys in our forties.
Speaker 3:I think when this podcast airs, it'll be 4 days until my birthday. Wow. Hey. Here's something that you can do for my birthday. You can buy our book or share the podcast with a friend or go to our social media feeds on the Instagram or on the Facebooks.
Speaker 3:How does that sound?
Speaker 2:I think people would be more than happy to do any one of those or all of them.
Speaker 3:That sounds like a good birthday gift because we wanna see mentoring spread like wildfire. Fire. And like wildfire. Fire. Amen, man.
Speaker 3:Alright. Well, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 2:Happy New Year. Anything else that y'all celebrate during this
Speaker 3:season like birthdays? I hope it goes well for you.
Speaker 2:Completely. Thanks, Zach.
Speaker 3:You're welcome, John. I'm excited to see what festive Christmas mug you're gonna bring next time.
Speaker 2:It's gonna be a good one. I'm sure it is. Alright. Close this out. Hey, friends.
Speaker 2:Thank you for hanging out with us for a while. And we wanna remind you that, you know what? You can mentor. Amen.