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Sex education and sexual interest don’t end at a certain age. Melanie Ramey is here not only to debunk myths about sexuality, sexual involvement, and connection later in life but to shed light on sexual information for all ages. This podcast will answer the questions that were never properly answered in health class and address the sex information we need but are too reluctant to discuss. Join Melanie for frank discussions about bodies, sexual health, desire, and age, with honesty and humor.
Self-respect and sexuality go hand in hand. When people engage in sex without respecting oneself and their partners, they are going down a very dangerous road. Welcome to the Sexually Speaking podcast with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey. Here's Melanie.
Melanie Ramey: [00:00:24] Hello and welcome to Sexually Speaking. On this podcast, as you know, we focus on sexuality as the core of our being as humans throughout our lives. Sexuality is who we are. Sex is what we do. A big part of our daily life has to do with our emotions. Emotions are how we respond to events and situations. We make decisions based on whether we are happy, sad, frustrated, or bored. We also choose activities and hobbies based on the emotions they create. It is really necessary for us to understand our emotions so that we can manage them to our benefit. For example, making a decision when you are angry is very often a mistake. You should take time to cool down, maybe even sleep on it, and then think about the issue and make a thoughtful decision. One important area that elicits an emotional reaction is our self-respect. Do we respect ourselves? How do others respect us, or do they? Both are very critical questions. When the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, released her recording of the song Respect in 1967, it was a huge success. As she later wrote in her autobiography, Aretha: From These Roots, it spoke to a need in the country at that time. Every human needed to be respected. So what was going on that time? Well, the Vietnam War was going on, and soldiers were returning from the war and were not even being thanked for their service because the war was so unpopular. 58,000 American soldiers had died in the war, and another 150,000 were wounded. And at home, the civil rights movement was underway, and people were trying to be sure that they could have the right to vote. And the women's movement was also gaining traction with demands for equal pay for equal work. So respect was really on everyone's mind.
Melanie Ramey: [00:03:05] So in understanding of one's sexuality, respect is key. Self-respect is basic to being respected by others. Self-respect is essential for living a fulfilling life. Recently, the news has carried reports of two women who have had a physical interaction with a large number of men in a short period of time, like 100 in a 12 hour period. You will know the use of the term interaction, as it is simply nothing but a human form of whack a mole, with the female body functioning as the mole and the male penis as a whacker. This kind of behavior does nothing but reduce the female body to a human garbage bin, while the male contribution is reduced to garbage, but I actually saw something quite funny in the English press. It seems that where this human whack a mole event was occurring, there was a line of men outside this sort of sleazy hotel waiting for their two minute turn. And a woman was driving by and she saw her son in this line. She stopped her car, got out and confronted him, demanding to know what he thought he was doing and declaring that he had not been raised to be in such a place. Well, you can just imagine how mortified he was. And he began protesting. He was 19 and he was an adult, and he could do whatever, he thought. Well, his mother thought otherwise, and she grabbed him by the arm and literally dragged him out, all the while berating him. Well, as you can imagine too, this drew quite a crowd, and as the other men in line were also listening. I don't know how he missed his mother's early teachings, but I am sure that that is an experience that he will never forget. It's really kind of too bad some other mothers didn't happen along about that time too.
Melanie Ramey: [00:05:20] There's one thing that is very evident about all of the people involved in this situation, or similar ones. They have no self-respect. Zero. None. Nada. How do I know this? Well, simple. People with self-respect don't behave in that way. Self-respect isn't something we shout about, but it is the way we shape and navigate our lives. It influences the choices we make, the relationships we have, and conveys to others that they can trust us. For many, the way they live their lives really makes them feel unhappy. But they don't realize what the basic problem really is. What it often really is, is a lack of self-respect. Let's look at some of the common behaviors that are red flags, indicating that a person has a lack of self-respect. One of the things that I think of first is overapologizing. Obviously, if we've done something wrong, we need to apologize. But you probably know people, as I have too, that they apologize for everything, things they didn't have anything to do with, things they could not be responsible for. Really, they apologize for breathing. And this is clear, of course, that they have allowed a lack of self-respect. A second thing is fear of expressing opinions. It's simply not possible to actually never have an opinion about anything, but a person with a lack of self-respect doesn't want to risk a disagreement or discomfort or judgment, so it is easier not to speak up. Basically, they think that whatever their opinion is, it isn't worth sharing. And a third thing that's a red flag is constant self-deprecation. These are people if you compliment them, they brush it off. They degrade everything they do and often refer to themselves as dumb or in other negative ways. And then a fourth thing is tolerating disrespect. These people will often allow themselves to be treated badly or rudely or to be totally ignored because they don't think they deserve any other person's attention or consideration, or even to be treated nicely.
Melanie Ramey: [00:08:14] If you see yourself in any of these examples, don't despair. You can grow. You can develop self-respect. And I would suggest to begin by speaking up for yourself. Say no when you need to. Often people without self-respect get volunteered to do all kinds of things that other people don't want to do. Don't do it if you don't want to. Say no, I can't do that. Or no, I won't do that. Stop putting yourself down. If you start to call yourself dumb or some name like that, bite on your tongue, little by little you will begin to build your self-respect, which in turn will improve your enjoyment of your life. What is the underlying thing, really, of self-respect? Well, it's when you act according to your values. So it's most important to know what your values are. Values are simply the core beliefs that you have about what is important to you. Some examples are integrity, tolerance, loyalty, generosity, commitment, cooperation. Think of those things in terms of which of those do you value? Are those all your values or some of them, or some of the ones things you need to to work on? It's easy, really, to determine what your values are by asking yourself a couple of questions. What do you think is most important in life and does your behavior exemplify those values? It's that simple.
Melanie Ramey: [00:10:13] So what do we mean by some of them? Commitment, for example. If you say that you're going to do something, then you follow through. We've seen all kinds of examples in lots of different experiences that you have when people say, oh, I'll do this or that, and it never happens, it never gets done. So you learn that this is not a person you can trust to carry out something if they say they're going to. Because chances are they probably aren't. What about generosity? Well, there's generosity with money, and that's nice. If you have money, you can contribute to charities or to a faith community or whatever. But a really more important thing is generosity of spirit. Are you the kind of person who's helpful? I have a friend who I've had 40 years, probably, who has a very generous spirit. He's retired now and he's always helping people and he never says anything about it. The only way you would know some of the things he does is, for example, if you call him up to have lunch or something and he might say, well, I can't do it until 1:00 because I'm taking Margaret for her chemotherapy. Well, then if you inquire, you discover that he's been taking Margaret for three months every week for chemotherapy or whatever, because she's not supposed to drive herself back and forth.
Melanie Ramey: [00:11:50] Another instance I discovered about him was that he had a friend who became blind and lived alone, and so he would take the friend grocery shopping. He'd do all the shopping with him and then bring him back home and put all of the food up so that he could find it again when he needed it. And this was a huge help, of course, to the person, but this was not something that he would ever have told you that he did, but it just reflects his generosity of spirit. So, you know, when you ask yourself these questions, what are your values and how do you live by them? Then you'll begin to understand, you know, what underlies self-respect. Once your thinking is clear on the two things of what your values are and how you exemplify them, you really can begin to reflect on other things, such as who are the people you admire who have those values? What things are important to you in a friendship? In a romantic relationship? These similar reflections are important in developing a strong sense of self. Don't get hung up on what you think others expect you to do, including your family. Be honest about yourself and what your values are.
Melanie Ramey: [00:13:31] You know, it's been said that we are known by the company we keep. Self-respect is related to the people with whom we associate. So take an inventory of the people you call friends. Do they build you up? Do they empower you? Do they support your ideas? Your preferences? If the answer to most of these questions is no, then you need some new friends. It's just that simple. Pure and simple. If you can set some boundaries with the friends you have by letting them know you know what you need from the relationship and what you're willing to accept, you can actually change the dynamics of the relationship. And if you can't, then it will be good for you to know that you need to make some new friends. It is possible that you lack self-respect because you have always just gone along with others and did whatever they suggested for activities. Start doing things that you enjoy. Ask others to join you and if they don't do them anyway. Chances are you'll find others who enjoy them and you'll have some new friends. And the fourth thing is to stop immediately comparing yourself to others. With the advent of the internet, with TikTok and other platforms, the tendency has gotten worse, especially for people to compare themselves to people they see on the internet. It's even distressing that it's becoming more common for younger children to be comparing their appearance and mimicking also risky behaviors that they sometimes see. So let's think about comparing ourselves with others and how bizarre and weird it is in many ways.
Melanie Ramey: [00:15:40] Many people, even children, compare themselves to alleged influencers. Now, influencers are just people who are hired to sell products, that's all. They are only trying to influence you to spend money so they get rich and you get poor. Be influenced by people who have accomplished something. Artists. Writers. Athletes. Volunteers for charities. Public servants. People who are making positive contributions to society and not hawkers who are nothing but hustling for themselves. Too often too, people focus on appearance and compare themselves to others they think are more beautiful or handsome. Why? Well, one thing of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it's also a largely issue determined by culture. For example, in this culture it has become something people are obsessed by the idea that women should be tall, thin, and blond. Now, for me to fit that model I would need to be put to the rack and stretched out about a foot, and have a gallon of peroxide dumped on my head to get blond. I also worked on a project in a country where fat women were the most valued. The men were tall and slender, but they liked cushy women. You know, I probably should have emigrated and got a rich husband, but since I already had a husband, life would have gotten a little complicated to say nothing of illegal.
Melanie Ramey: [00:17:48] I want to comment just a minute about self esteem. Self esteem and self-respect are often used interchangeably, but they're quite different. Self esteem has an evaluative component to it. And so, for example, when we accomplish something, if we run a 5K marathon the first time, this improves the way we feel. We feel esteemed that we are able to accomplish this. If we learn how to do some new hand work, for example, this increase our self esteem. This is something we've been able to accomplish. We esteem other people for their accomplishments, but that's an issue of sort of how you evaluate activity and is not really the same thing as self-respect, which is really related to your basic values. Now on the Facebook page, I'm posting a copy of the Desiderata. If you aren't familiar with it, read it carefully, print it off if you like, or purchase a copy online with a frame or whatever. I have kept a copy on my refrigerator for years, as there are really lots of wise words in it. So I will leave you with a quote of the third stanza. Quote, "Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater or lesser persons than yourself." Thanks for listening. Stay safe and well.
You've been listening to Sexually Speaking with sex educator and therapist Melanie Ramey. Join Melanie again for more fascinating topics about sexuality. Please visit Sexually Speaking with Melanie Ramey on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.