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Showing Up Anyway is a podcast about unlearning diet culture, redefining health, and making peace with food, movement, and your body -- without needing to have it all together. Hosted by Coach Adam Wright, an anti diet-culture personal trainer and body-trust educator, each episode dives into the imperfect side of wellness and how to navigate motivation burnout, body image struggles, emotional eating and the pressure to be "healthy". This is your reminder that progress doesn't need to be perfect, and you'll still see progress as long as you show up anyway.
Welcome to Showing Up Anyway,
the podcast for people who
are not perfect.
On this show, we talk
about intuitive eating,
fitness without obsession,
and healing your relationship
with food and your body.
Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
Today, we are talking
about food rules,
what they are,
where they come from
and what the heck
you can do about it.
I am calling today's episode
The Rules That Keep You Stuck,
so if you've ever felt guilty
for eating past, like, 7pm,
judged yourself
for grabbing seconds,
or find yourself labelling foods
good or bad, stick around
cos you're gonna wanna
listen to this one.
I've got to start by explaining
what food rules are, I think.
Food rules are these
invisible restrictions,
in our head, that tell us
what we're allowed to eat,
when we're allowed to eat it
and how much is okay.
You might tell yourself
don't eat after 7pm,
or carbs are only for cheat days,
or I have to go exercise
before I can earn breakfast.
We're gonna do a
little assessment, okay?
So, you can pause the podcast,
go grab a pen and paper
or open up your notes app
and come back.
This is gonna help you, one,
understand better what
food rules are, okay? -
give you some examples of them.
And, two, help you understand
how many you might have in
your life, okay?
And I'll put these questions
in the show notes as well,
so you can read them there
if you want. You ready?
Okay. Do you count calories,
macros or points obsessively?
Do calories determine how much
you're allowed to eat?
Do you feel like you have to eat
perfectly in order to be healthy?
Do you follow rules about
what time of the day
it's okay for you to eat or not eat?
Do you avoid snacking,
or do you feel guilty when you do
snack?
Do you try to avoid specific foods
entirely,
like carbs or fats,
excluding medical reasons?
Do you eat differently
when others are around?
Do you compare what's on your plate
to what others are eating?
Do you have rules around drinks,
like you can only drink beverages
that have no calories?
Do you have rules around
needing to exercise
in order to earn your food?
Do you think that carbs or sweets
need to be avoided or limited?
Do you weigh or measure your food
in order to get the perfect
serving size?
Do you keep a mental list
of off-limits foods?
Okay, now, these are certainly
not the only food rules,
there are countless
others out there,
but these are some examples
and while they might
feel like structure,
they are often rooted in fear -
the fear of getting it wrong,
the fear of overeating
or gaining weight,
the fear of feeling out of control
or eating something
that's bad for you.
And, by the way,
we will get into why using words
like "bad" or "unhealthy"
to describe foods can be really
damaging in a future episode.
As you can imagine,
after following these rules
for years and years,
we get to the point
where we follow them
almost automatically, like,
we don't even realize they exist
or question why they do and
it becomes part of our life,
in our subconscious brain,
deep, deep in your frontal lobe.
And what ends up happening is
we sort of get disconnected
from your body's normal cues -
the ones that are supposed
to help you recognize
when you're hungry,
when you're full and
when you're satisfied -
and instead we become overly
reliant on external factors,
like the time of the day
to tell us when we should
and shouldn't eat,
or the calorie tracker to
tell us when we should stop.
But, obviously, food rules
don't come out of thin air,
so where the heck do they come from?
Well, I like to say
they are either picked up,
patched together or passed down -
the three Ps.
When I say they are picked up,
I mean from the world around you.
They're picked up from diet culture,
from TV shows, music, movies,
social media, fitness influencers,
and, I hate to call out my own kind,
but even personal trainers.
Some examples might be,
don't eat fruit because
it has too much sugar,
make sure you eat protein 30 minutes
after a workout or it's wasted,
or don't eat processed food.
Then we have rules that
are patched together,
ones we've created from
our own experiences.
Maybe you felt out of control
around a certain food one time
and so you've banned it,
or maybe you gained weight
after a vacation
and suddenly you're trying
to undo all of that.
And then we have
rules that are passed down
from the people who raised us,
adults in our life.
These are often the earliest
and the most deeply rooted rules.
Did you ever hear, "Are you sure
you want seconds?"
Or, "You're not getting dessert
"until you finish everything
on your plate?"
Or maybe, "We don't keep
junk food in this house."
Even if nobody explicitly
sat you down and said
"These are your food rules",
they still were there, right?
Through the habits that were formed,
through the comments that were made
and through the emotional atmosphere
in the household,
and so that's where we're heading
next, into the family food rules.
The ones that are still probably
shaping your choices today,
so we're gonna take
another assessment, all right?
I want you to flip over that paper
and we're gonna talk about
how your family
might have made an impact
on how you view food.
Are we ready? All right.
Did anyone monitor
your portion sizes?
Were your parents
constantly dieting
and critical of their own bodies?
Were sweets restricted in the house?
Were snacks only allowed
at specific times?
Did you ever hear
the words "unhealthy"
or "fattening" to describe foods?
Was there frequent talk about
calories,
weight or being good or bad
based on your food choices?
Did your parents have strict
guidelines around mealtimes,
like, did everyone need
to eat together?
Were you expected to finish
everything on your plate,
even if you weren't hungry
any more?
Were sweets restricted or limited,
or only allowed as a special treat
on certain occasions?
Did you ever feel like you
had to sneak food
or hide how much you were eating?
Were you ever given a nickname
that had to do with your appetite,
your weight or your body size?
Were there different rules
around food for different
members of the family?
Did your parents ever
comment on what
or how much you were eating
around other people?
Did you ever get mixed messages
in your house,
for example, telling you
you needed to lose weight
but also telling you
you needed to finish your food?
Now, in fairness,
it's probably safe to say
that most of your parents,
certainly not all,
but most of your parents
did the best they could
with the knowledge that they had.
Unfortunately, they are
also victims of diet culture,
as were their parents. See,
this is a generational trauma
but it's still important
to call it out
because the environment
in which we grow up
teaches us more than
just what to eat,
it also teaches us
how to feel about food.
Early messages become
internal beliefs,
teaching you, essentially,
that you can't trust yourself
and you have to rely
on external rules
to teach you how to stay in
control.
And, of course, we carry
these beliefs into adulthood.
I'm sure that I can probably
pinpoint a few
you still struggle with today.
Things like, "No,
I have to finish my plate,
"I want to get my money's worth."
"I can't throw the rest away
even though I'm full,
"that's a waste of food."
"No, I can't have a snack -
that'll ruin my appetite.
These kinds of rules affect
everything
from your grocery lists,
to how you feel at parties,
to what you decide to order off
a restaurant menu.
They're gonna impact
your social life,
your personal relationships
and your self esteem.
Now, psychologically speaking,
I understand why we have
these kinds of rules, okay?
I mean, the world is,
especially now,
pretty unpredictable
and sometimes overwhelming
and rules create structure, right?
And so when we follow them,
we feel like we're in control.
And food rules are no different -
They make us feel like
we're doing the right thing
and if we're doing it right,
well, then we won't gain weight,
we won't be judged and
we won't fail, right?
Well, no.
(LIGHT-HEARTED LAUGH)
We already talked about how
you're never gonna be perfect,
haven't we? And the more rules
you have put in place,
the greater your chance
of breaking one or two.
So, what happens when you do?
Let's say you eat something
right before bedtime
or you have a dessert,
even though you
didn't exercise that day,
or you... (GASPS) ..you had carbs,
what happens next?
Well, you'll probably feel
guilt first, right?
You ate that cookie and so
your brain's gonna be, like,
"Oh, my God, why'd you do that?
You screwed up everything!"
Then you're gonna feel ashamed,
probably,
because, breaking that rule, it's
not really about the food, is it?
It's about being good
and, well,
you broke the rule
so you're no longer that.
Then you're gonna
probably overcorrect
and one of two things
is gonna happen,
maybe both, probably both!
(LIGHTHEARTED LAUGH)
One, you're gonna think,
"Well, I already messed up
"so I might as well
eat the whole bag
"or eat the whole
sleeve of cookies."
And, after that,
you're gonna think,
"Well, tomorrow I'll start again.
Tomorrow I'll be good.
"Maybe I'll skip breakfast
and that'll balance it out."
And it starts this cycle
of binge and restrict,
you get stuck in this loop.
The stricter the rule,
the harsher the backlash
and it becomes this swinging
wrecking ball
between restriction and binge
and it's dangerous at both ends.
And the crazy thing is that a lot
of people don't even realize
that they're following
these food rules,
they just feel the guilt
when they break them.
And studies even show
that guilt can kick in
even if you only THINK
you broke a rule
even if you didn't, actually.
Now, some of you are gonna hear
this and you're gonna think,
"Well, Adam, if I don't have rules,
then what is stopping me
"from eating as many chips
as I want?
"I'm just gonna finish
that whole bag."
And the idea is, actually,
that you do get to a point
where you can eat as many chips
as you want,
but as many chips as you want
is maybe just a few,
maybe a handful.
We shouldn't have to rely on these
kinds of rules to control yourself,
we should be able to trust
your body to tell you
when you've had enough
and, ironically,
when you get rid of
these kinds of rules,
those temptations
are often lessened.
Relearning how to hear your hunger,
your fullness, your
satisfaction takes time,
it certainly does, but it's possible
and it's worth it because
it's extremely liberating.
In a few minutes, we're going
to talk about how to start
to get rid of some of
these food rules.
Before we get there,
I want to reassure you
it is okay to feel a
little unsure or anxious
about living life
with less or no food rules,
that's the kind of life
you have not lived
probably in a long time, maybe ever.
But, as the saying goes,
growth happens outside of your
comfort zone, right?
One of the most impactful
things you can do
to start to get rid of
these food rules
is reframing how rigid
your thinking is,
because one of the many problems
with food rules
is that it leaves no room
for real life.
If your schedule changes,
let's say you're travelling,
or you're sick,
or you're celebrating,
the rules don't adapt
from your regular nine to five.
Your life is different
in that moment,
but those rules are the same
as they were in your normal routine.
So, something easy that you can do
is to start adding flexibility
for your rules.
One of the things I like
to tell my clients is
let's add "for the most part"
on the end of your goals.
"I'm gonna eat vegetables
with every meal
"for the most part."
"I'm gonna go on a walk every day
this week
"for the most part."
"I'm gonna stick to my calorie goal
for the most part."
Because adding flexibility means
trusting in yourself
and, again, since we know
you're not gonna be perfect,
when you do "for the most part",
do what you said
you were going to do,
that's an accomplishment,
it's not a failure.
Flexibility means
trusting yourself to adjust
and not punishing yourself
for being human.
So, now, "I can't have sweets"
becomes "I trust myself to enjoy
sweets when I want them."
"I'm bad if I eat this" becomes
"I'm learning to listen to my body
"and I'm not gonna
judge myself for it."
"I have to earn my food"
becomes "my body deserves
nourishment no matter what."
Instead of "I overate at dinner
so the whole day is ruined,"
it's, "I understand that
one meal does not undo
"every other choice
that I made today."
Letting go of food rules is
not gonna happen all at once, okay?
It is a process, it's not a switch.
Even though you might know
logically not to follow a rule,
you might still hear it in your head
but you're the one that
gets to decide
whether or not you listen.
So, here's your homework,
and we're gonna start small, okay?
I want you to pick
one rule to challenge,
you can use the list that I gave you
or you can pick one of your own,
maybe that means
you're eating past 7pm
or you're eating a food
from your not allowed list,
and I want you to challenge it -
first, verbally,
and then, when you're ready,
I want you to challenge it
in practice.
Maybe that means eating past 7pm
or eating something from
your not allowed list.
You should expect a
little discomfort, okay?
Unlearning is messy
and you might feel a little guilt
or fear or doubt.
That does not mean
that you're doing it wrong,
it just means that you're pushing
yourself and trying something new.
And if you do feel those feelings,
ask yourself, "What am
I afraid might happen
"if I stop following this rule?"
"Who taught me this rule
"and do I actually agree with it
in the first place?"
"Am I using this rule
because I actually believe it
"or because I'm trying to please
somebody else?"
I remember when I first started
going through this process
I was really scared of drinking
full calorie sodas.
I would not buy a regular Coke,
it had to be Coke Zero because
that was zero calories, right?
But, as I said, it's more than
just changing your mindset,
you have to put this in practice.
And so what I decided to do
was go and grab a little
six pack of those mini cans
of full calorie Coke and I
remember sitting at my table
and being very nervous
when I cracked it open.
I hadn't drank a full calorie soda
in probably years,
I did that day and I
learned a few things.
First thing I learned,
I didn't automatically gain weight
because of it.
Second thing, I didn't lose control.
And the third thing,
I didn't actually like
full calorie Coke,
I prefer Coke Zero,
and so I stuck with it,
but that was MY choice
and it wasn't because of a rule
telling me I couldn't have it.
Remember that you were not born
with food rules, okay?
You learn them, which means
they can be unlearned too.
And getting rid of them
is not the absence of discipline,
it is the presence of compassion.
There's a phrase I like
from the show Ted Lasso,
it says, "Be curious,
not judgmental."
And so as you start to question
some of these rules,
I want you to make sure that
you do it with curiosity,
not with judgment.
Don't be hard on yourself
for believing something
that was taught to you.
Don't feel bad because you
used one of these rules,
even though it might seem silly now.
You are allowed to trust your body
and trust does not need a rule book.
Thank you for tuning in to this
episode of Showing Up Anyway -
you can find it for
free on Spotify,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
And wherever you're listening,
if you like the show,
I'd love it if you gave me
a five-star review
because that does help
other people find the show,
and hopefully it'll help change
their life,
just like you're looking
to change yours.
If you're listening
on Spotify, though,
you can follow me and tap
the bell icon
so you get notifications
when new episodes come out.
I'm Coach Adam. Remember,
when things get challenging,
keep showing up anyway.