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Bless your heart is a conversation-style podcast centered around
coming-of-age and the struggles, fears and challenges young women encounter in a
pivotal time in their lives. As Scarlett and Carolina discuss their own experiences growing older, navigating healthcare, managing their time and becoming their own people, they make an effort to empathize with and inspire other young women who may be having similar experiences.
Hello everyone and welcome to Bless Your Heart, a podcast for the girlies feeling a little overwhelmed as they navigate the freedoms and responsibilities of adulthood. I'm your host, Carolina.
Scarlett:And I'm your other host, Scarlett. In the last episode, we touched on managing different aspects of personal while wellness while navigating such a transitional stage in life. Today's episode will center around how our relationship shifts and mature as we do. We've broken the episode into four segments, three of which explore distinct relational dynamics such as familiar relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships. In our final segment, a mental health professional is going to share their approach to nurturing relationships even as life gets busier.
Carolina:We share these stories and insights so you never feel alone in handling life's challenges. Let's get the discussion going.
Scarlett:Alright, Carolina, as we get older, our relationships with everybody change, but especially with our parents. How have you noticed your relationship with your parents changing as you've entered into college and as we prepare to leave college?
Carolina:I grew up in a very religious and strict household. And although religion has not changed, and I have very much accepted, and grown into my faith and all those values and roles I've been taught, the strict part has been where things have changed the most. I think our parents start to respect us a little bit more as we start to get into a more serious age. Also not living with them, not being with them every single day, having to have that self agency is like the trust that they have in us has to come in one way or another. I didn't feel capable of doing things on my own because when you are in a strict household, you tend to be very sheltered.
Carolina:You're told what to do all the time so you don't actually know what you want to do if someone's not telling you what to do. Having conversations with my parents about that and being open and honest about it, even if they didn't always agree with me, I think being bold enough to start a conversation like that, is a good first step. They definitely started to respect me more the more I tried to make myself heard. Never disrespecting them or trying to be more right than them, but definitely telling them like, hey, I know myself, I know what my day to day is looking like now, there are certain things you cannot tell me to do anymore. There's definitely a place for balance with that, but getting that started was definitely what set it off to to better my relationship with my parents because they do change.
Carolina:Was that something similar to your experience or how did you navigate that?
Scarlett:So I've always been a daddy's girl. I have had a pretty contentious relationship relationship with my mother since I was, I don't know, maybe 12 or 13. You know, those hormones start going and we turn into ravenous We just we fought about everything. And while I loved my mother and I knew she loved me, we very much had, you know, this sort of very emotionally charged, constantly emotionally charged relationship. And my relationship with my mother has gotten significantly better since I moved out. And, you know, the funny thing about it is I know that that is what made the difference in our relationship improving because boy, when I go home again for breaks and things, I live in my house for two weeks with my parents and I suddenly start acting like I'm 15 again. Relationship devolves into, you know, the relationship I had when I was a teenager.
Scarlett:I also grew up in a pretty strict, pretty religious household. I was raised Southern Baptist. I went to a Baptist school. I went to Baptist preschool and then I went to a Baptist K through 12 school.
Scarlett:So I was surrounded by religion and I was surrounded by structure my whole life. I also didn't have a whole lot of privacy growing up and that's definitely something I've had to adjust to. I feel that. Being an adult, and living on my own, I had lots of rules surrounding technology, lots of rules surrounding shut doors and that sort of thing. Sometimes if I've told my roommate I'm going be working on homework and she comes in the room and I'm actually on my phone, I feel the need to like throw my phone across the room because I have that instinctual urge that my mom is about to come into my room and be like, what are you doing on your phone?
Scarlett:And that's not to say that I, you know, I had a difficult childhood or I, you know, have serious problems with the way that I was raised. But, coming to terms with the way you were raised and being aware of some of those things that might have lasting impacts is part of the reason that our relationship with our parents evolves as we get older.
Carolina:It's it's crazy that you mentioned that because, that definitely was one of the harder parts, but the most important for me to come to terms with my upbringing. But, just realizing that they didn't do the best job but they did the best they could. And so understanding that, understanding where they were when they were our age, like, the age that I am now, my mom was in labor with me. And to think of that is so insane because right now for me to think about having a child sounds so far fetched. But to think about putting myself in their shoes, you definitely start to judge them a little less and understand them a little more, which does shift into your relationship with them.
Carolina:Because when you start to understand someone, and understand that their goal was in the right direction, you stop seeing them as your enemy like how we did most of our teen years. I mean, you start to see that honestly it came from a place of love. There's a lot of things you can't justify with that and that's where those conversations and the forgiveness and the family therapy aspect would come in. But just having those open conversations that's how you do it. But there are a lot of things that you just have to let go because came from a place of love.
Carolina:And so being able to do that in your adulthood is what helps you set those healthy boundaries with your parents, helps you move past certain things, and it helps you make your own decisions as you are now your own person and no one is really telling you what to do all of the time. It's really, really important.
Carolina:Another thing that I wanted to say, I think my relationship with my parents in the past definitely also sheltered me from having friendships early on. I don't know how your experience was, but because my parents were so very strict all the time and, and very, very religious, it was almost like I couldn't really I couldn't go to sleepovers all the time or I couldn't go to the parties being thrown or, I was even too scared to ask my parents, can I go to my friend's house? That also came from a lot of, like, their own fears.
Carolina:My mom went through a lot in her childhood. And so I was never really good at like being part of a friend circle or making friends. And so now being an adult and trying to make friends, that seems like such a small problem compared to how it is now. I don't know about you, but just making friends in adulthood is just so difficult and weird. I don't know.
Carolina:I don't know.
Scarlett:I think for sure there's definitely a learning curve in making friends in adulthood. Even just going from high school to college, you know, the people you're friends with in high school, it's because you are, those are the people you see eight hours a day Every day. Or, you know, the people that are involved in your extracurriculars with you.
Scarlett:And there's definitely some more agency that comes with being a college student. You pick friends, yes, that are in your classes, but, you know, your classes are fifty minutes and three times a week. Or, you know, an hour and fifteen and two times a week. So it's no longer like you are friends with people because you're in forced proximity to them. Ultimately, it's up to you to make the friends.
Scarlett:Yeah. I I didn't have a whole lot of friends in elementary and middle school, and I had a pretty small friend group in high school. I was never the most popular kid ever. I'm not going to say it took a while for me to find my current friend group, but man, the girls that I have found, I am going to love and cherish them for the rest of my life. As far as when we get out of college, though, it is something that really worries me and it worries.
Scarlett:I know it's a concern for a lot of people. At first, I didn't think it was. I thought it was just me reverting to, oh God, I was a weird kid in high school and everybody's gonna know. But it's something I've definitely talked with my mom and other adult mentors in my life of how do you make friends as an adult? And it seems to be what we had to do in college.
Scarlett:You put yourself out there.
Carolina:Yeah, it's definitely a shift in forcing yourself versus your your surroundings forcing you how it was in elementary, middle, and high school. But you're comfortable around these people. And so knowing where they live and and and seeing them from when they were five and then and then now was was a lot easier versus now you're meeting people from complete scratch and also being an adult intentions are so very different versus if you were trying to be friends with someone in the sixth grade maybe they just wanted to play with, you know? Versus now where you don't know what people's real intentions are, being friends with guys versus girls, like, and that doesn't even matter like what your sexual orientation is or what you identify as because
Scarlett:There's a difference.
Carolina:Yeah, there's always gonna be a difference for a lot of different people. And so just being conscious and aware of those type of things. Also, I had a best friend through high school. She was a little bit older than me. But it was a very high maintenance friendship.
Carolina:Those are hard, man. Because when I got into college, like I said, she was older than me, so she was already in that space. And I thought things were gonna change. I thought, you know what, I'm now entering a space similar to where you're in and so, you're gonna understand now that I have different priorities because you had different priorities, but it was just so draining. I mean, not everyone has the same emotional needs and so it's also our responsibility as a good friend I believe to to know where you can you can meet people.
Carolina:I've had the most success honestly with low maintenance friendships. People that I, don't have to text every day.
Scarlett:Now why don't you elaborate on what you mean real quick between high maintenance and low maintenance friendships?
Carolina:My personal definition of and they might be extreme. It might be different for you. But for me, a high maintenance friendship is someone it's almost like a romantic relationship. They wanna know what you did, how your week was, or maybe even how your day was if they're texting you on a daily basis. Which is cute, nice, obviously we need friends for that.
Carolina:But if it's everyday and kind of an expectation for you to be that person for them, that to me is high maintenance. Versus a low maintenance friendship where maybe we don't go to the same college, we're friends from back home or whatever and so we'll text when we can or if I go home once a month or something like that, we'll hang out then. So not losing the connection but not being so expectant that you're gonna be there every single time. And personally, I'm the type of person I haven't had the same roommate all four years here. I've had a different one every year.
Carolina:And I've had amazing experiences with each of them. To me, one of the reasons why I haven't had the same roommate over and over again, is because I never searched for my best friend in my roommate. I searched for a responsible, clean, respectful, nice girl and I got that. For me, that was enough. And, you know, you greet you greet each other but that's it.
Carolina:And that's all you need personally. Again, I'm repeating personally because I know a lot of people are so tight knit with their roommate and I think that's beautiful. I think if you can find that sort of companionship that suits your needs, it's beautiful. But like I said, personally, I like to spend some time alone and you mentioned privacy earlier, being on a college campus where you're sharing spaces and having common space with people, privacy is still hard to manage. And so I liked that and, for me the low maintenance relationships have been easier to keep because I don't feel like a failure of a friend.
Carolina:It's hard to be a good friend friend when high maintenance is expected of you if you're not up to it. Now if you're going to be there for them and do all the things that's beautiful, but if you're not going to be able to meet someone's needs, don't step in that space.
Scarlett:We don't always have the emotional bandwidth. This is everybody. We don't always have the emotional bandwidth to be, to contribute in your definition to a high maintenance friendship. Now, I think there's definitely a difference between a high maintenance friendship and like maybe a toxic friendship. I get what you're saying about friendships that have been like romantic relationships. Can't go out with anybody else, you have to hang out with me. Think it's, you know, it comes from a place of insecurity on both parts.
Scarlett:But sometimes you just have somebody's personality that is a little bit more
Scarlett:naturally inclined to codependency.
Carolina:You mentioned codependency, but that's not something we only worry about in friendships or like a roommate situation, which is what we're talking about. I think codependency can also strike romantic relationships. I think it's very easy for us, you know, as we're developing into a new identity, we're developing into womanhood. Just our bodies changing, our mentality changing, the things that we want to do with our life.
Carolina:Things start to get serious and so you start thinking about who you want to enjoy all of these things with. And so if you're not in the right space of mind or if you're expecting all of these things, you know you mentioned being high maintenance but then on the other side being toxic. If you don't have these healthy boundaries with friends or family you can't expect to have them in a romantic relationship And I think that that is something that we really need to look inward, about before we start anything or even if you're in a relationship now that's always it's always healthy to analyze it, and to and to set boundaries with that. I have seen that there are a lot of healthy college relationships but then there are some very insecure ones as well. I mean that's not to judge, anyone.
Carolina:I mean I wouldn't know, I wouldn't really know. But just from what we've seen and even through our own experiences, if certain boundaries are not set, if you're not really sure where you stand on your independence versus how codependent you can be, it turns you into a toxic person. And you lose friends, you lose relationships, you don't develop a good relationship with your parents, so it kind of encompasses everything, but also can be the most dangerous in my opinion through romantic relationships.
Scarlett:I think we've all maybe lost a friend to their romantic relationship.
Carolina:Oh, that's true.
Scarlett:You know, along the theme of codependency and unhealthy boundaries, I think we've all known somebody who they get in a relationship and you never see them again. Yeah. Or worse, they still want to hang out, but they want to bring their boyfriend to everything or their partner to everything. And it's, hey, we're gonna have a girls night. That's amazing.
Scarlett:Can Kevin come? No, he can't. He cannot. Kevin has to stay home.
Scarlett:And I think that that goes sort of along the lines of that sort of dependent relationship goes along the same lines of what we were talking about of having agency as an adult. You know, when you have a relationship in high school, everything is kind of centered around the fact that you still live at your parents house.
Scarlett:Or, you know, you still, you're still financially dependent on another person. And there are certain privileges that you can't have in a relationship while you are still a teenager. And there's a lack of emotional maturity there that goes along with it. But when we get into college, if you get into a serious relationship, there's no mom and dad, you know, around the corner.
Scarlett:There's no keeping your bedroom door open or whatever. And so I think it's tempting when we get into these, relationships in college as an adult to think to ourselves, I'm an adult now. I'm going to have an adult level commitment of to this relationship. I mean, I think that some people are suited for marriage early on.
Scarlett:A lot of people we know are getting married, you know, right out of college or while they're in college. And that's not always a bad thing, but I think that some of it is people get into their first committed relationship as an adult and they think this is what makes me an adult. You know, this relationship is what makes me an adult.
Carolina:Yeah, and that's why having a sense of self is so important and why if you're single, you need to take advantage of that time and really find out who you are. Because if you get into a relationship early on, and you don't know what you want, you don't know anything else out there. And that's not to say, oh, go get a college experience, dump your boyfriend. No, because for some people that might even be a healthy thing, you know. It'll keep you in check.
Carolina:It'll make sure you don't make any mistakes. Sometimes having someone that can love you and hold you accountable is very important growing up, but if you are alone, if you don't have anything serious right now, I think that's a good time to go ahead and figure out what your boundaries are, what you're willing to compromise. Relationships are about a lot of compromise and if you're not willing to do so, where are you going to draw those lines? I think, like you say, it's not always a bad thing to go ahead, get married or engaged early on, but it's definitely a it's definitely a decision that you have to make based on your own personal goals and needs.
Scarlett:There's a risk there.
Carolina:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And not because, oh, all these people in my year are getting engaged. Yeah.
Carolina:It's definitely not one of those things you can do based on what everyone else is doing. So as long as you're making sure that you both understand where you're going, making sure that your goals are clear, any decision that you make in your love life is going to guide you to a good place. Of course, we go through experiences. We've dealt with heartbreak. We've dealt with rejections, and things like that, but if your heart is in the right place, I'm a firm believer that life is going to bring it back to you.
Carolina:And so, you being intentional with yourself but also with those around you, and making sure not to be stepped on but also not to step on people. You'll be able to navigate all of that.
Scarlett:So I think that's a really good jumping off point to our advice segment. So this week we talked to Whitney Gates, who is the assistant director at the counseling center here at Barry College. She's a licensed social worker, and we asked her about intentionally nurturing relationships as our priorities and our responsibilities shift as as we enter into this new phase of life. This is what she had to say.
Whitney Gates:Hi, this is Whitney Gates. I'm the assistant director in the counseling center, and how I intentionally nurture relationships as an adult is that I first nurture myself so I make sure that I'm staying hydrated, my blood sugar is regulated, I'm getting good sleep, and I'm getting, plenty of play in my life. And when I'm meeting my own needs, it's really easy for me to put time and intention into other relationships. I'm also at this point in my life giving myself a lot of grace, which helps me give grace to others, when they're not showing up their best. I always think that you can't give what you don't have.
Scarlett:That was really great advice. I think it really encompasses what we talked about in our discussion both this week and last week. Nurturing yourself is hugely important.
Carolina:It definitely takes us back to what we talked about last episode, taking care of yourself, your personal wellness being a big part of not just how you're obviously treating yourself, but then how that affects how you treat others, how you let them be in your life. And she mentioned giving people grace which I think is really really important. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is always going to be a good way to navigate friendships, relationships, with your family and other people. Just for your own sake. People can be ill intentioned and can be mean and spiteful and all these things, but it reflects on them.
Carolina:As long as you are holding yourself accountable for the things that you do, who you are, and how you treat others, that shouldn't affect you and it'll make you a more gracious and kind person.
Carolina:Thank you guys for tuning in! I hope something in today's conversation stuck with you. Be sure to come back next week for a live broadcast episode where we'll discuss all of the questions and worries that come along with graduating college. From avoiding comparison to maintaining a sense of identity through a major life shift.
Carolina:We're leaving no stone unturned.