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Scott and Jess have a candid discussion about New Year's resolutions and goal-setting, particularly through the lens of parenting and personal growth.
They share their plans to prioritize family dinners, create more one-on-one time with each of their three children, and discuss how to teach their kids about resilience and nuanced thinking in an increasingly polarized world.
Jess opens up about her journey with people-pleasing and burnout, while Scott reflects on finding balance between his drive for constant learning and the need to slow down.
Listeners will gain valuable insights about setting meaningful goals, the importance of self-reflection, and how to approach resolutions with both ambition and self-compassion.
If you want to share your goals with the Robot Unicorn community, send us a DM with an audio message on @robotunicornpodcast [https://www.instagram.com/robotunicornpodcast/] and let us know your name, where you are from and what your goal is for the new year!
Get 10% OFF parenting courses and kids' printable activities at Nurtured First [https://nurturedfirst.com/courses/] using the code ROBOTUNICORN.
Learn more about The Body Safety Toolkit here! [https://nurturedfirst.com/printables/the-body-safety-toolkit/]
We'd love to hear from you! Have questions you want us to answer on Robot Unicorn? Send us an email: podcast@robotunicorn.net.
Credits:
Editing by The Pod Cabin [https://thepodcabin.com/]
Artwork by Wallflower Studio [https://www.wallflowerstudio.co/]
Production by Nurtured First [https://nurturedfirst.com/]
Join me, Jess VanderWier, a registered psychotherapist, mom of three, and founder of Nurtured First, along with my husband Scott, as we dive deep into the stories of our friends, favourite celebrities, and influential figures.
In each episode, we skip the small talk and dive into vulnerable and honest conversations about topics like cycle breaking, trauma, race, mental health, parenting, sex, religion, postpartum, healing, and loss.
We are glad you are here.
PS: The name Robot Unicorn comes from our daughter. When we asked her what we should name the podcast, she confidently came up with this name because she loves robots, and she loves unicorns, so why not? There was something about the playfulness of the name, the confidence in her voice, and the fact that it represents that you can love two things at once that just felt right.
Welcome to Robot Unicorn.
We are so glad that you are here.
As always, let's start the show with a question from Scott.
What are you feeling today?
Well, when everyone's listening to this episode, it will have just been Christmas holidays.
Or the holiday season.
Yep, this episode should be aired a couple days before New Year's Eve.
Oh wow.
Okay.
So Scott and I are recording this near the beginning of December.
We have not yet been through the holiday season yet.
Are you stressed about it?
Pre-stressed?
No.
I'm actually not stressed this year.
I mean, have I purchased one gift yet?
No.
Am I prepared in any way?
I just I feel more of a sense of peace this year than I have in previous years, and I think
It's just cause I'm not focusing so much on the gifts, trying to make it just special for the kids through the different family things that I'm going to.
The number one thing that they said they wanted was a small beanie baby
I know.
I sat the girls down the other night.
I said, if you could get anything in the world, what would you get?
We were trying to ask them for like just see what they would want.
And the other day we're at like this chocolate store
And the kids saw this little, very small fits in your hand beanie baby of a fox.
And they just became obsessed with it.
And they all said that's what they want for Christmas.
So it's probably five dollars five dollars.
Yeah.
And that was like the number one thing that they wanted.
So anyway, I'll be curious to hear how everyone else's holiday season has gone.
Okay.
Today we're going to talk about something controversial.
It's always controversial.
Okay.
Do you know what I'm gonna I have no idea where you're going with SONO.
I'm just kidding.
It's not controversial in the regular sense
I want to ask you about resolutions and if they are valuable and what you think I think on the topic.
Mm-hmm.
So there it is.
'Cause we're we're coming up to New Year's and it's the most common It's a New Year's resolution time of year.
I would say yes, I think that you don't have to wait till New Year's to make a resolution.
But something that's always been a part of my life has been setting goals
And thinking about where I see myself in the future and choosing a word or something like that for the year.
It's true, you always choose a word for the year.
What was this year's?
Peace.
Oh yeah, right.
And the year before that was vibrant.
Did you feel vibrant that year?
No.
But yeah, so I like to choose a word for the year and I also like to set a couple goals for myself.
And I find that that is always helpful as a way to start the year.
and as a way to at the end of the year look back and just see how I did.
And some years, like I will say, not this year, but the year before, I had some goals set for myself and I had a word, like I want to feel vibrant
It was just coming out of having three babies and really starting nurtured first.
And I will say expanding the team.
At the end of last year, I will say I did not feel vibrant at all.
I was very burnt out
and hadn't really met my goals.
So I think it's also important to note that not every year are you going to actually meet your goals.
And then you have to be able to look at yourself with tenderness too.
But before we get into all of that, why do you think it's important or do you think it's important for people to set New Year's resolutions?
I don't necessarily think you have to
I don't necessarily think it's important for every single person to do it.
It's kind of an individual basis.
Like i is that something that fills you up and helps you feel a sense of hopefulness for the coming year and helps you have a sense of purpose and
meaning towards what the next year's gonna look like and are you someone who wants to take some time to self-reflect and see how you wanna maybe improve?
then yeah, I think it can be really helpful.
But maybe you're in a season of parenting where you're just like, I'm just surviving right now.
I'm not in the place to make a whole bunch of goals and that's fine too.
Like always, it's not something you have
to do to be a good person.
So I know that's going to come as a shock to you, but I do actually see value in not necessarily resolutions, but using New Year's.
and like that reminder that people give you as a time to reflect on the past year, what you think went well
what you think didn't go well, how you can improve in the coming year in all aspects of life.
So whether you want to do that for work, like you do that
let's say during work hours and you come up with resolutions or goals for your coming year.
I mean corporations will do that, but I think it's also important for individuals within a business to do the same thing.
And then same with family life
I don't know.
I just think it's that one time of year where you actually are reminded and I don't think it should be surface level like I want to go to the gym more.
Yeah, exact I guess it depends on what type of coal are you setting for yourself
I think goal setting goal setting is maybe not the right word, but just a time of reflection on your past year or past years.
and like hopeful things.
I don't know, that's the kind of the way I look at New Year's is more of even though it's just like a random date that was set and this is the day that we're changing to the new calendar year.
It's just it sort of forces me
into that mode of hey, I want to think about what's coming for the new year.
Like what are things that we want to do this year in the new house?
That's even one thing that I would consider or think of.
And then how can I improve personally?
How can I improve as a father?
What did I do well this year and what could I improve on?
Like I don't know.
It's just overall it's a good way for me to just stop and think about all those different aspects of my life
I think there's like a naturalness to the year where it is the time of year where we pause and reflect.
Yeah, we have a often we have a bit more time we're not working.
'Cause I mean in Canada we have three days off within a week.
Yeah.
So it's just there's a natural rhythm to it where we do have a little bit more time to pause, to reflect, to think.
And I mean, of course, as a therapist, I love the idea of pausing to reflect and think.
And so I I think when we've talked about New Year's resolutions, historically, when people talk about it, you're thinking like
I'm gonna go to the gym and get buff this year.
I don't know, people say buff.
But That's what I would say.
Yeah, like I'm gonna go to the gym and get buff this year.
that's a fine goal.
If maybe your goal is like I wanna increase how much I move my body this year and take better care of myself.
But goals I think can be deeper than that and can involve a little bit more self-reflection
And I think there's a lot of goals that we can set and they don't all have to be around changing our weight, which I think a lot of times Yeah, that seems to be the uh the like typical goal, right?
Yeah
So that being said, I would love to kind of talk about what some of the goals are that we have, both personally, maybe professionally, over the next year.
Well
This is great.
I have a blank sheet here in my notebook.
And you can help me create my resolutions or my goals.
Yeah.
My ponderances.
And I will say like I have been doing this since I was quite young in our marriage, in our life together, and even before that.
And I would always write out my goals
like things that I want to do, right?
And so I remember being what kind of felt like a delusional 20 year old writing, like, I want to have a private practice where I help families and children.
I wrote that out at twenty years old.
I had no idea how I was gonna get there, but I just knew that that was a goal that I had.
And it has always helped me to just have something to set my sights on.
and know that I'm working towards.
What I think is fun is I've read back on some of the goals that we set, like for relationship or for even work or bus before we had even started any business.
Going back to the notes.
'Cause I saved them all on Apple Motes, reading through them.
We've actually achieved a whole bunch of what we had set out.
Yeah, when we were like so young and had no idea what it would actually mean to do these things, right?
So
Yeah, and there's some goals that we didn't meet and that's okay.
Like I I do think we want to look at ourselves with compassion and not I think the bad part of goal setting can be is if you don't meet your goal then you're like oh I must have to be able to do that.
it affects your self worth.
So what what is the benefit to goal setting?
Let's say especially as parents.
Okay, because most of the people that are that listen to us are parents.
So why are we even having this conversation?
Well I wanted to talk about goals in parenting.
And I'll give you an example.
I remember working with a client that wasn't around New Year's, right?
And I just said had said, like, what is one of your hopes in therapy?
Right?
One of their hopes or goals, I guess, of therapy was they want to yell less
So I'm like, okay, let's write that down.
Right.
And now let's talk about how do we want to get towards that goal of yelling less.
But if we're not reflecting on, oh, I want to yell less as a parent this coming year
and that's a really important goal of mine, then it's not as likely that you're going to change the way that you're behaving.
Because you're not taking the time to like actively be like, this is a goal.
I want to do this different.
And I'm going to try and make steps towards that
And so I think in parenting, it can be a nice time of year too to sit down and be like, what are our goals as parents this coming year?
What's really important to us?
And just taking that time to reflect as parents and like have a meeting together basically and then setting those goals and then trying to hold each other accountable.
So whether that's with a co-parent or a friend of yours
Maybe you get together with a group of your mom friends and say, okay, let's all talk about our goals of parenting this coming year.
Yeah.
And then hold each other to that.
I could even see that you doing that with one of your buddies, right?
I could see you guys being like, okay
What do we want to work on as parents?
Would you do that?
I would do it more uh in like a sarcastic way, but I think it would end up turning into like a legitimate display.
I feel like it actually would
And so I think if if if we don't actually write them down and take time to reflect on it, it's it's less likely and you might feel better about your parenting if you have some goals that you're actively working towards.
So maybe let's start there
Start maybe with some of our goals in parenting this coming year.
Okay.
What do you think I need to improve on, Jessica?
Well, I'm gonna give you something that I wanna do and I think you should come up with your own goals of what you want to do
Something that I really want to prioritize this coming year is family dinner in our house.
We've been doing better at that.
The older our kids get, the easier family dinner is.
Yeah, definitely.
But the ritual of sitting at the dinner table together, sharing a meal, not having our phones at the table, like just putting the phones away.
Talking about our day.
Talking about our day, hearing everyone's highlight, low light of the day
That to me is one of the biggest goals I have over the next year.
Because I know in the last seven years of parenting, we've always had a baby or we've had someone
napping or crying or whining.
Like dinner's just been chaotic.
So I think it's the year of prioritizing the family meal.
I like that.
I'm gonna steal that actually and add that to my list.
That's fine.
You can have that on your list too.
Can you write down my goals too
How fast do you think I can write?
So that's one of my goals.
Okay.
Another one of my goals would be to do more special one-on-one time with each individual kid.
You're copying me.
That was actually one that I was thinking as well.
Was it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I feel like we spend lots of time with all of them.
Yeah.
Or maybe
the oldest because she's now doing e extracurricular activities sometimes.
Mm-hmm.
I feel like our oldest gets a decent amount of special time.
Yep.
But the middle one and the younger one, they're like pretty content to just be with each other and be at home and be playing.
But I do think that they would both very much value
one on one time with us too.
And so I wanna figure out some kind of way, some kind of schedule rotation where each of us has
these special times.
It doesn't have to be anything extravagant, but we have these special moments with all three of our kids.
So that's a goal that I have for myself.
Do you want to take the next parenting goal?
Like do you have something in mind?
Well the one-on-one time was the number one thing that I was thinking.
Yeah.
Because I just know the two younger ones would love that.
Yeah, for me, I think we're in a good spot in terms of
Scott and I are quite calm with the kids the majority of the time that we're home.
We've reached a good place where we're not really yelling.
We're quite calm with the kids.
We're quite playful.
So there's a lot of things that maybe would have been goals previous years that I think that we've worked hard on and we're in a good spot with the kids.
Do you think though that's because we have what'd say the least stress in a while
Yeah.
We've finally done our move.
Yeah.
Work has been enjoyable for us.
Yeah.
Like the past few months.
Personally, there's not a ton of stress
compared to what it was even one year ago.
I would say last year was probably the most stressful year that we had.
Yeah.
Last year I I mean we've had a lot of stressful years, but
Well, last year was took the cake.
It was very, very stressful.
But I would say we've had a str stressful bunch of years since twenty twenty.
up until the end of or even middle of this year, I would say.
We had a lot of stress.
And that when you have so much stress personally, it makes it hard to parent your kids always in the way that you want to, right?
Because
It's not your kids' fault that you're stressed out, but then of course you're gonna be on edge with them over every little thing because internally you're gonna be able to get it.
Yeah, you're on just on edge.
Right.
So a big goal of this last year, that's why my goal was peace for me was to figure out how to reduce the stress
And that was really, really important to me at the end of last year because I knew I couldn't keep going on in the same way.
Yep.
And I wouldn't say that last year I had.
I think my goal at the end of last year was to help you find that piece.
Yeah, I think that was your goal.
You were like, Jess, I will do what it takes to help you get that piece back because no person should be under this much stress all the time.
Right
And it impacts everything when you're feeling that way.
Yeah, I mean I was stressed.
You were stressed.
I think that was my main goal for this past year was to do everything that I possibly could to help you feel at peace.
Yeah
And I will say that I'm I'm getting there, for sure.
Mm-hmm.
The last month, I I think we've really turned a corner.
Yep.
But it's been a long journey.
I know that we did now that we're talking about it, but it was just in the back of my mind constantly, let's say for the business, operationally, how can we make sure that you are the least stressed?
And you can be the most creative at home, same thing.
I think it's important to talk about too.
I don't know how much we've talked about that on the show.
It's like I think people just see me online and I
was sharing a little bit about how burnt out I was last year.
But whenever I shared about how burnt out I was, then I got a lot of DMs that would burn me out more.
They'd be like, well if you're so burnt out, don't share about it online
And I'm like, well, I'm trying to show up authentically, you know.
Yeah.
And it's not like I was sharing tons and tons of stories of how how I was feeling, but
Whenever I did and the majority of the response would be very positive, but in that fragile state, it was hard for me to handle the negative ones.
So I kind of just stopped sharing about that piece of my life and just kept moving forward sharing the educational content.
But yeah, the last year and a half, I guess, I I feel like I'm finally getting out of it.
Uh almost two years.
Yeah, probably two years.
Has been a lot.
And so I just think it's important because people be like, Jess, how can you do it all?
It's like, well, it's not always easy.
It's not always easy.
It's not just you.
It's not just me.
And I've really had to learn this last year how to rely on other people to support me.
And that's been important.
Yeah.
I think so the those first two family dinners and one on one time, they're wonderful.
Yeah.
Something that will probably always be a goal of mine is trying to teach the girls problem solving skills.
And some resilience and yeah, what word am I looking for here?
Well, like let's say for instance, the post that you
put up yesterday.
People are getting very offended over two words.
Yeah.
And to me, I want to teach our girls that getting offended by something like that is probably the most ridiculous thing that you could ever be offended by.
Yeah.
And to teach a little bit of logic to them that or I guess that would be resilience.
Like you don't have to take everything so personal.
It's n I wanted to say literal, but it's not even really literal either.
They're I don't know.
So it's like problem solving skills, resilience.
You want to work on teaching the kids that this year.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean we do that regardless, but Yeah.
Maybe more intentionally.
I feel like I am doing that intentionally anyway.
It's just, it's always going to be something that I'm trying to do with with them is help them understand that
My favorite saying, nothing is ever black and white.
Yeah, I like that.
Because I think it's very clear that in society today, the things that sell the best are
Polarizing.
You either believe this thing or you have to believe that other thing.
There's nothing in between.
And I just think that is an incredible d misunderstanding of humanity.
That's uh
Uh a misunderstanding of humans, the way we think and do things and have I don't know, it's just it's something that upsets me a bit.
And I can see how it has gotten worse because it's sellable.
Like even for us.
We've talked about this before.
If we
wanted to sell more, we could be incredibly polarizing in the way or black and white in the way we market our courses and toolkits, but that's not real life.
There's nuance.
Yeah, understanding nuance is important
Yeah.
And maybe that's the the word I'm trying to get at is problem solving logic and nuance.
Like helping our girls understand those things I think will be incredibly beneficial to them as they grow.
Yeah.
Because as soon as you as you can tell 'em, I could probably talk on this this entire time, so I'll I'll cut it off, but Yeah.
Well, I mean there was a post yesterday and I started getting death threats because of some inclusive language that I used in the post and it's just it's a bit much and and it just shows like this lack of nuanced thinking.
And the fact that people are so taking it personal instead of being like, oh, here's a script.
I wonder how I can adapt that to use in my home.
Right?
So that's a whole other episode maybe.
But it's not just it's not just that.
Yeah.
It's everything.
Yeah.
No, I know.
Yeah.
Right.
So that is one clear example that's most recent.
Yeah.
But there are numerous examples of that, that kind of thing where you have to choose one or the other
It can't be both because hey that really that makes me feel uncomfortable.
Like if it's the power of and like Yeah.
I think
I don't know, in society you'll find that the most successful people are the ones that understand there are nuanced to things.
There are people that obviously know that, but use the polarizing language.
in order to take advantage of regular people.
Yeah.
100%.
And it's just it's mind-boggling to me that I don't know that people don't understand that.
But maybe that's just my untrusting nature.
I don't trust most people or m the things that people say to me at face value in general.
Yeah.
So I want to teach the girls
Let's say a portion of that so they're not naive, but not like ruin their I don't I don't want to say innocence either because I don't know.
Or their ability to trust people.
Yeah, their ability to trust people.
But also I think it's important that
people prove they are trustworthy to them too.
Yeah, I think that's a good goal.
We'll move to the next one, but let us know if you want a whole episode on uh nuance.
I think Scott could take the lead on that one.
I mean there's a lot there.
There's a lot there.
I th I personally think it's a fascinating topic.
Along those lines, one of the things I'm really thinking about with our oldest daughter this coming year is the fact that she's approaching an older age
There's gonna be more friendship struggles potentially this coming year.
You know, she's approaching that kind of pre puberty age.
It's just like a lot of changes that are probably gonna happen in her life as she gets to like the middle years.
Like she's not like a little little kid anymore.
She's gonna be in the middle years
And so one of my goals for her is to like help her continue to know that we are there for her.
We want to support her through these struggles.
We want to hear about the struggles that are happening.
and really finding our footing as she enters into what feels like it's gonna be a new chapter of parenting for us.
Mm-hmm.
'Cause I can already see it.
She already has the play dates and the sleepovers and the extra curriculars, the things that she wants to do.
And I think
this age, like age eight, can be a very pivotal point in her journey where if we are not intentional about showing up for her and being super important to her.
she could go off and and we could kind of lose that relationship.
So that's really important to me too.
I actually feel the other thing I was gonna say in terms of a parenting goal is to just really try and
cherish these years.
I feel I actually shock of the century was crying the other night.
I've been really emotional this December and I don't know what's going on
But I was putting our toddler to sleep and I just realized we will probably never have a two-year-old again.
And I frickin' love the age of two.
And I love having a toddler.
Even though, yeah
We get some big meltdowns and feelings.
Like it just really dawned on me, like she will never be two again.
Our middle daughter will never be four.
I love the age of four.
She's at such a good stage.
her oldest daughter is turning eight and is not gonna be in the like the little kid stage anymore.
She's like a kid kid now.
And it just felt like man I know, it's crazy.
We have to savor this because then in a flash they're all eight and up.
you know, and we're done with these little kid years and I'm just gonna be so sad because I absolutely love the little kid years.
There's a reason my career is dedicated to it.
Like it will be sad.
So I just wanna make sure I spend time cherishing that.
spending time with them and just trying to have some really nice moments over the next year.
Yep, a hundred percent.
Yeah.
I wonder if one of our goals for the year
is say we're not terrible at this, but I do think that time between being done work and the kids going to bed.
There are times where we're on our phone a lot.
Mm-hmm.
I wonder if we need to set
Like even an area up for the phones.
Because the reality is what are we doing in between there?
Yeah, just like checking a quick email.
Oh look, our lawyer email is back on this or whatever.
It's like it can wait till they go to back.
Stuff like that can wait
So I just I think we should maybe be more selective in the time that we're on our devices, around them
It's a great idea.
I've been already trying to do that and I don't know if you've noticed, but not trying to be on my phone at night has made me so much more playful with the kids.
Like last night they were all on my back and I was a horsey and we played that for like
a good forty five minutes.
I think for you, there's also like you like to 3D print at night and you like to be on your computer.
So then sometimes that does take away from the time that the kids are
Yeah.
I mean to be fair, you the stuff I was doing yesterday was for them.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
We wanted a little toy.
They wanted a little toy.
But I do think we could be more intentional about the screen use in general.
Yeah
Especially as our kids do enter the age where they might be interested in having a screen themselves, how are we gonna tell them, Well, no, you can't
beyond it at this time or this time if we're not modeling that to them.
So we should probably be very intentional how we're modeling that to them as they're getting older too.
Yep.
I like that.
That's a good challenge, a good goal for us
Yeah, we can even set a specific area for them to go.
Yeah, exactly.
Hey friends, so at pickup last week, our daughter asked Scott a truly kind of tricky question in front of her younger siblings
Scott was telling me that when he heard a question like this, he used to panic, but this time he had a plan.
And he said to our daughter, thank you for asking.
Let's talk tonight when we've got privacy.
And that's a line that he learned straight from our new body safety and consent course at Nurture First.
So this new body safety and consent course is taught by me.
So Jess, if you listen to this podcast, you know me.
I'm a child therapist and a mom of three, and I have taught body safety and consent education for years.
This course takes all my years of experience teaching this education and gives you calm, age-appropriate language for body parts, consent, and boundaries.
You'll learn how to teach your kids that no means no, you'll learn how to teach them to read facial cues, you'll talk about safe and
safe touch and you'll even teach them about their uh oh feeling.
There's guidance inside this course for the real life stuff like tickling that goes too far and even the difference between a secret and a surprise
We made this course at Nurtured First because research shows that body safety education helps kids speak up sooner and we want that for our family, for Scott and I, but also for you.
So check the course out at nurturedfirst.
com slash body safety and to save 10% use
Use the code RobotUnicorn.
And just full disclosure here, we are the creators of this course and we're so proud of it.
Do we want to move to some personal goals?
Sure.
What's a personal goal of yours?
Oh.
Be nicer to Jess.
I feel like I'm very nice to you.
No, you are very nice to me.
Almost too nice.
Yeah.
Be less nice to Jess.
Yeah.
That's my number one goal.
Be meaner.
Yeah.
That sounds like a really good goal, eh?
Mm-hmm.
Um, okay, good question.
I have not put any fourth like any thought into this episode
Clearly into this episode.
Yeah, but I I thought, I mean this is I pretty much want to model to parents how to have these discussions, right?
And this is pretty much what it would look like.
This is what we would look like.
If we were sitting at our table doing this together, right?
So
We're just having a real discussion in the way that we would in private, just for tens of thousands of people.
So
What?
Oh no.
Is it gonna be inappropriate?
No.
Oh, okay.
Why do you immediately think that?
I don't know.
I find that to be offensive.
Okay, sorry.
That hurts my feelings.
I'm gonna get really angry at you about that.
Post about it online.
Put a note get my feelings less hurt by Jess's comments.
Yeah, exactly.
No, I was gonna say watch more F1.
Oh 3D print more
I don't think you need to set those as goals.
No, you know what, I think for whatever reason during the most busy times
I have the most difficulty turning I don't know well it's kind of turning my brain off, but it's turning it off by consuming more information.
So for whatever reason my default is when we're busiest, so lately we've been quite busy, I am on Reddit a lot more.
I'm on like the 3D printing forums and like the specific
printer model that I have.
I'm on the subreddit for that and I'm trying to understand and learn more about how to use it or I'm on the F1 forums.
So I find that my default is to just
And it could be anything.
Like I'm trying to set up a home automation system for our house too.
So my default is just to consume more information.
Mm-hmm.
But then last night I felt like I did that so late.
that I couldn't turn off my brain.
So I was I had a hard time sleeping because I was just consuming so much information right before I went to bed.
I noticed that.
Did you?
Mm-hmm.
I always notice you do that when you're busy.
Yeah.
It's like I don't know why.
It's I feel like it's your brain is like moving so fast.
You're like, I gotta keep it moving fast.
It's almost like
You'd like some protective factor, you don't want to let yourself rest.
Yeah.
Cause sometimes I'll be like, what are you reading right now?
Like like why are you Well, I'm learning about everything.
I know.
I go down all these different random rabbit holes and I'm learning about 3D printing and then all of a sudden it's uh some open source software that I found through that
Subreddit and I'm like looking into that.
I'm like, oh this is interesting.
I wonder how they built this.
And it's like not always necessary at that moment at like 1045 at night to be looking at that, right?
Yeah
No, so I think that's that's a great self-reflection and a good goal.
So I think that is probably the biggest thing.
It would just allow me to be a bit more mindful and I think it would help my
brain be able to slow down a little bit more and not be flying constantly.
I don't know, I find that flying is a great word.
This past year my brain has just been flying on all these different ideas and all these different things to do and I have
to get this done and then there's that and I'm creating lists in my mind of all the stuff that I need to accomplish and it's never really slowing down
Yeah.
And even like we talked about in the episode with Libby, I will drive to and from work or I'll go on a long bike ride and I won't listen to anything.
So I'll listen to my thoughts, but then it's always like, okay, after this after I'm done this, then I have to do this thing, and then after that, the next link in the chain is this and I have to do that.
And I'm like always planning things out in my mind
So it's never never really like slowing down.
It's just always planning all the next things, all the fun projects that I want to do.
Yeah.
Which must must be a lot.
Like and I get it, because when I get most anxious, that's how my brain goes too.
It's like flying at a million miles an hour.
Like but I think you could definitely stand for taking
some time to rest, maybe, in this coming year.
And like just not having to fill every minute with like
something that's doing something productive.
I would like to see that for you.
And I feel like it's ho so hard because like our jobs, we have to always be thinking.
We have to always be moving forward and like
Yeah, I'm constantly I spend probably eighty percent of the day learning how to do things.
Yeah.
And then the twenty percent I'm actually doing them.
But it's also like i I think you'd still have capacity to do that if you also took some time to just take a break, right?
And be like, do I have to learn this right now or can I just rest
I don't even know what rest would look like for you.
I know, because my immediate thought is, okay, then I'll read a book.
But then the books that I'm reading are typically
Like what could you do for fun?
Am I allowed to read a book?
Is that okay?
Yeah, you can I don't care.
You can read a book.
Why don't you read a fun book?
Like just read something that's just fun.
I'm projecting, because this is also my goal for the new year.
Mm-hmm
I mean that's a thing I do read as well.
Maybe not as much as I used to.
I think a goal for me, for you, is um like maybe just doing one thing at a time.
Like for example, I feel like a lot of the time we sit down at night, we're gonna watch a show.
Often I'm doing work, so this is my goal for you.
Or watching a show, but then you also have your computer open and you're doing something on the air
Like I I wonder if maybe part of learning how to relax could just be doing like one thing.
Like if I'm watching a show, I'm just gonna watch a show.
I'm not also gonna be on Reddit looking at whatever
Or I'm just on Reddit and I'm just doing that.
Like I feel like that fast pace in your mind also happens because you're like consuming so much at the same time.
Or like you're just reading a book
not reading a book and doing something else.
I don't know.
Maybe you could try and Well when I read a book I'm usually not doing something else but Well if you're have it on Audible then you're probably also going for a walk.
You know what I mean?
Like a physical book
Yep.
So just a thought.
Okay.
Slow down.
Slow down.
That's gonna be challenging for me.
Yeah.
We'll see.
We'll try and hold Scott accountable.
My body.
Like we talked about with Dr.
Tanya.
Yeah.
My body feels most safe when I am moving and doing lots of things.
But maybe now that some other pieces of our life have settled, you can try and find some safeness in your body.
But I'm moving less than because we're doing like
We're in a slower season of our life now.
Right.
Although with our oldest moving upper class in karate
My plan is to join her in that so we can do that.
It's kind of like one-on-one time sort of with her at the same time as moving my body, which I think that will honestly be more beneficial than we even imagine right now
Right.
Yeah, then you can move your body too with our It's like a fun thing to do.
I get to move my body, which we know I feel most safe when I do.
Mm-hmm.
I get to spend time with our oldest.
Yeah.
You'll get lots of hit lots of different things.
Yeah.
Cool.
I like that.
Do you have any other personal goals?
My hope is to maintain the movement that I do get in.
Okay.
We've been quite busy, so then I am not going on as nearly as many walks.
I mean it's cold today too.
It's uh minus five Celsius fifteen.
Fahrenheit, I think, roughly.
Well, I have exciting news for you.
But there's a gym opening literally across the road.
Oh yeah, I did see that.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I mean
Maybe that's one thing.
But I mean I have a trainer at home too.
I would like to actually do that.
Mm-hmm.
I just find it's been so busy trying to set things up
in the new house that I haven't had any time to even use it.
Yeah, I think you just have to make it a priority.
Like for me doing yoga, I know I've been talking about that a bunch, but even though I don't really have the time, I'm just making the time, being like, I have to go
'Cause I just know I feel so much better after I go.
And it's like a promise that I'm trying to keep to myself.
Yeah.
And I think you have to keep those promises to yourself too.
If you're like, I'm gonna do it.
Like truthfully, if it's an hour
we'll make it work with all the other things that we have going on.
You just have to keep that promise to yourself if you've decided that you're gonna do it.
I know.
The problem is right now it's just especially the basement where my trainer is, it's quite
Messy.
There's boxes still.
And then I look at that, I'm like, well, maybe I should unpack a box first instead of do that.
But that's what I mean.
Like if you've decided you're gonna do it, you just gotta do it.
I know.
It's easier said than done.
I know.
A lot of it's your stuff.
Uh a bunch of it is, yeah.
But then it because of that, my thinking is if it relies on me anyway, then I should just do it.
Why wait?
to get it done.
Even though I know the movement would probably benefit me maybe even more.
Yeah.
It bothers me that there's stuff still packed away and I would like to get it all out and organized and
I know that that will also help me feel better too.
Right.
So maybe just choose one or the other.
Yeah, the activation energy is not high enough on the uh
for me to actually want to do the biking, I guess.
Yeah.
I'll I'll force you to get back into it.
I honestly I truly feel like with movement
It's just if you get out of the routine, it is hard to get back in.
But then as soon as you get back into the routine, like I bet you anything, if you do two bikes on the trainer, you'll be back in
Yeah, no, I know I will.
Yeah.
So we'll see.
Well keep people posted, but I'm gonna keep encouraging you to do that.
Okay.
Should I share some goals?
Yep.
Okay.
This is gonna sound really cliche and let me know well not cliche, but seriously Jess, this is everybody's goal right now.
But how do I say this without sounding hokey?
Try and protect myself a little bit better this coming year.
Is that what everyone says?
I don't know.
I see a lot of stuff on people pleasing online right now, which I think is fantastic.
I have really in the last year and a half
Come to a realization about my people-pleasing tendencies and how they get me into bad situations
and how people pleasing what I'm learning is not only is it not respectful to myself, it's also not respectful to other people.
And
trying to say yes to everything, trying to be nice and be liked by everyone, trying to always be that good person has
got me to a place where I was so burnt out that I couldn't function.
You just you were letting people walk all over you.
Yeah.
I was letting people walk over me in the idea of, well, I don't want them to be upset with me or I don't want to say what I think is true because
If I say that they might be mad, and I'd rather just keep everybody happy at the cost of my own peace.
And I truly think that is how I got into the burnout situation last year
I think that's how I've continued to get myself into situations that I don't feel good about over the last couple of years.
And I I think maybe it's
being older, having a business that I'm running, more self-reflection, but I've really been noticing these tendencies in myself, Scott.
Me telling you.
Telling me, Jess, you're being walked all over, you're being really nice in this situation.
Me realizing people who I thought were like I I think also running this page, like everybody wants to be your friend, everybody wants
to be in the know and and my default is just to have open arms all the time and tell everybody everything and trust everyone.
And it has hurt me really bad over the last few years, realizing that I can't trust everyone and that, oh, maybe not everyone needs to know everything.
And even the other day I two members of the team saw something on my calendar with someone who Yeah, had just uh wronged me in a way and and I had booked another thing with this person.
I'm trying to be uh discreet here, but
Anyway, they're like, why are you doing that?
Like, don't you remember what this person did?
And you're gonna meet with this person again?
Like you're canceling that.
Like even the team and one of the members of the team is like, Jess, is this you trying to be nice to someone who was not nice to you again?
Like, oh yes, it is
And so I'm still learning that, right?
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thankfully I have my team now who understands that that is a tendency that I also have.
But that would be a big goal for me in this next year.
And part of that is for me to learn how to be uncomfortable and to be okay with people not liking me.
Or people being upset with me or people misunderstanding my intentions.
And
That's tricky for me.
Yeah, I think no matter what, you always have people's best interests at heart.
Even if you have to have a difficult conversation or do something that is difficult.
Mm-hmm.
And sure they might not understand, but
uh at this point.
Something Scott said to me this last year really stuck with me and he said, because I am someone who has someone's best interests
At heart almost all the time.
Pretty much all the time.
I'm never doing anything malicious.
I'm assuming other people f are the same
Yeah, you're assuming that they have your best interests at heart as well.
Yeah.
Treating everyone as if they I have their best interests at heart and then expecting to be responded to as if they also have my best interests at heart
That's where I kept getting hurt.
Yeah.
Most people will not reciprocate that.
So anyway, I'm just sharing that because I know a lot of people feel the same way.
And I also realize that the cost of people pleasing is also too high for myself.
Not only does it mean that I get hurt repeatedly, I get burnt out, but it also means like I'm learning being on the receiving end of people's people pleasing too, is that
It also means that you're not being genuine sometimes, right?
If I'm being nice to someone, even though inwardly I'm like, you've been terrible to me, like why am I being so nice to you?
Like I'm not being genuine either, which also is not how I wanna be.
Yep.
Can I say all of that was great, except for the last little bit.
I find when people say you're not being nice to the person in return or
genuine or whatever, I just find that to be quite hokey.
Like legitimately in this situation for you, you are
such a nice person and like we said you always have other people's best interests at heart like that's what you that's just your default that's how you are people don't return that
most of the time to you in the same way.
So understanding that is important.
It's not about being nice or genuine or whatever.
Like yes
You're an authentic, genuine person, but it's funny to me hearing people say like when you're your genuine self, you're being nicer to the other person, even if you're having a difficult conversation or you're not.
what they're experiencing is not the nicest.
I would just personally I think it's more of a this is life.
Like, I don't know.
We need to build again, going back to the resilience and that part of it, like
We need to be able to have a hard conversation.
Yeah, something's not working.
So we have to either fix it or make it stop.
That's what I'm saying.
And not feel like I just have to be nice to the person.
Yeah.
And I also But it's not about you being like that's nicer for the other person, because it likely won't be.
Right.
I see what you're saying.
Right.
I just think that's a way for us to feed our ego or feel better about the decisions that we're making, even if they're difficult decisions that we're making.
You just need to know that sometimes Sometimes you just have to make difficult decisions and that's that's life.
And the person might not like what you have to say and that's just what it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I think actually when you say you're more genuine when you're just being honest with someone and that's kinder to them, you're again you're kind of feeding into the people-pleasing tendency.
Yeah.
Ah, you're right.
So it's been a lot of unlearning for me and trying to learn how to just be still kind.
But just say how I feel.
And I honestly see that a lot in our kids.
Like they're really they're very kind kids, but they will let you know how they feel.
And it's very important to me that my daughters don't turn out like me in that way
Yeah, and likewise I don't want them to turn out like me either.
I feel like a combination of the two of us is the ideal scenario.
'Cause Scott's more on the other end where he'll just say it like it is, but not always imagining how the other person might receive that information, right?
Yeah.
You're also getting a lot better.
I'm getting better.
Again, we've talked about this a bunch of times, but I don't like the sh sandwich, so I don't like to have to say something nice, then say what you mean, and then say something nice again.
I would rather just say what you mean all the time and not get offended by it
Which let's just say when I first got married to Scott that was very hard for me 'cause I'm like, what what are you saying to me?
Like I don't appreciate you saying it like that.
I want the sht sandwich.
So we we've kinda got to like a nice middle ground now where you do say what you mean, but I feel like you've learned how to say it in a way that I will receive it without being defensive.
Anyway, I think we did talk about that on the Why Are You So Defensive episode.
But I think you also have just gotten used to the way I talk about things.
Which is something I appreciate.
They come to conclusions much quicker in our arguments when you're not trying to like work around a bunch of stuff.
But that's thank you for saying that.
Thank you.
But that being said, like let me just
be clear, working through this kind of people pleasing stuff is like very challenging for me.
Scott's seen it firsthand, like so many nights, me crying or being like, oh, I just I I can't handle this.
anxiety around whatever situation or I can't handle the fact that this person might think something of me that's not true, like I just want to fix it.
And having to just let things be and be like, it's okay if they misunderstand me.
It's okay if they're upset with me.
I don't need to go in and explain myself.
Like
I just have to live in a way Yeah.
Because your tendency is to over explain your reasoning behind something because you feel like Well maybe if they just understood then
And I can't do that anymore, right?
So knowing and and one of my friends said this to me this year, which was helpful because I had a friend who I was kind of talking to about this journey.
She's like
You know your actions and your intentions and your values and you know if you're living within them.
And you have to just kind of be okay with that if you're okay with how you behaved and your intentions and your values and not let anyone else's opinions
impact you.
Easier said than done.
I've been trying.
Anyway, that's my big goal.
My like I'll just leave it there, but that's my big personal goal for the year.
I think that's a good one.
Yeah.
And then keeping up with my yoga.
Okay, I'll put that down for you.
I have a goal of being able to do a handstand at some point.
Which is like I'm very tall, so that's a lot of body to put up.
So I highly doubt that's gonna happen, but
Like maybe in five years I'll be able to do a handstand.
Okay, how upset would you be if I learned to do a handstand before you?
Yeah.
See this is where we're competitive.
Now Scott's like, my goal is to do a handstand by July.
Yeah.
I wouldn't be upset, I'd be shook
I would love to see you do a handstand.
Why would you be shook?
You're 6'3.
I feel like that's it's like kind of like what I was saying, like there's just a lot of body.
We're tall people.
Oh yeah.
Well in terms of balance, yes, it would be challenging to do that.
Okay, well, we'll try.
Okay.
Anything else that you want to ask?
I feel like we have a pretty good list of goals here.
So what is your hope?
for someone who is listening to this, the person listening to this right now, what do you want them to take away from this conversation that we've had?
I want them to see how you can be reflective.
I think it's important to model how to actually be reflective on your parenting, on your personal journey.
And maybe this is a nice prompt for you.
Maybe you want to have some of the same goals as us, but maybe you have your own ideas
of the goals that you want to set with your kids, right?
Maybe it's to stop yelling, maybe it's to stop people pleasing, maybe it's to be kinder to Scott.
No, I'm just kidding.
That would be the day.
But I hope that it just as all episodes, it's not like now go and do all these same goals as us.
It's think about your own life, wonder to yourself how this can apply.
And maybe sit down with your partner or a friend and set some goals for this year to hold yourself accountable to.
Understand that there's actually value in
the resolutions or goal setting, that kind of stuff.
And reflecting.
It's mostly about reflection because it helps you understand yourself better and it allows you to continue growing and developing.
Yeah.
Because we'll do the same thing.
Like we'll probably this is a starting point for us, but we'll probably spend the next
month discussing all of these things and fine-tuning them and just having a discussion so it's kind of ingrained in us.
We'll do the same discussion about our business as well and how we want to do things there and what we've done well and not well.
So
I think we are just in a constant state of self-reflection, but this time of year specifically helps us remember to do that more.
Yeah, I I'd love to hear if you sit down with a partner or a friend and
do this activity and and think about your personal and family goals and would love if you'd even share some of them with us.
Also there's wisdom in doing this
in community with somebody else, right?
Sharing what you want to do with someone else.
It just holds you accountable.
It puts them out in the world and it helps you maybe try and stick to them a little bit more too.
You know what we could do
What?
Here, how about maybe so if you are listening and you have a goal that you have set for yourself or a series of goals that you've set for yourself, how about you send us an audio message on the Robot Unicorn podcast Instagram account?
Send us an audio message with your your name.
where you're located, the goal that you've set, and why you've set that for yourself.
And maybe we'll feature you in the next episode after this one.
Yeah, that would be fun.
Yeah, we'd love to hear your goals.
And also
Just a little plug for Nurtured First on Instagram.
I know many of you come from there, but not everyone comes from there.
I will be talking about goals and reflections.
reflections and stuff, kind of this whole week of the New Year's week.
So if you're listening to this episode and it's like a couple days before New Year's, I always do a lot of that
on the stories on Nurtured First.
So come check us out and maybe we'll give you some more prompts and stuff too.
Sounds good.
Thanks for listening.
Happy New Year
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