Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
My Big Loud Mouth Part 3: Matthew 7
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
Often we find ourselves not making choices about where to be vulnerable, but now at the mercy of our emotions, sharing in places where we immediately know we should not have been sharing. Welcome to the Commons cast. We're glad to have you here. We hope you find something meaningful in our teaching this week. Head to commons.church for more information.
Speaker 1:You'll also find ourselves in the midst of a series called My Big Loud Mouth. And we've been talking about all of the things we wish we didn't say. We started with There is a reason for everything. We talked about how a small shift in our language can actually really shift our thinking. How moving from everything happens for a reason to there is meaning to be made even in this can have a profound impact on us.
Speaker 1:Because the truth is, God never inflicts hurt on us, not even to teach us something. And yet, God is always present, careful, always redeeming everything that is broken in this world, Always looking to help us become better, stronger, wiser, more caring versions of ourselves. And so some things may not happen for a reason, but there is always meaning to be created in the midst of everything alongside God. And then, last week, Scott looked at something a little more harsh. Those moments when we may say, I hate you.
Speaker 1:And I really liked the way he wove together these very real feelings we sometimes have, emotions that bubble up and need to be given voice. By the way, I also loved his reference to the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, classic film and a guilty pleasure here. By the way, it's also a retelling of The Taming of the Shrew. So by all means, you can watch that movie this week and then tell people you have been brushing up on Shakespeare during quarantine. But Scott walked this great line of acknowledging our hard emotions, while at the same time reflecting on how those emotions can grow and they can become malignant, how they can turn into the ultimate self serving bias, this myth of pure evil.
Speaker 1:This idea that those that we deem against us can be reduced down to nothing but their worst moments. This is really what the disciples do when they want to call down fire from heaven on their enemies. And it's also what Jesus pushes back against when he says, one, no, and two, you can't even do that anyway, so calm yourselves. But this is what we need to face at times: our tendency to allow our hurt to limit our capacity to properly see each other. And that's sort of what we're talking about again today.
Speaker 1:Because sometimes our hurts cause us to lash out. They cause us to say hurtful things in an attempt to hurt someone. And then sometimes our hurts cause us to misjudge each other, to misjudge the safe spaces wherein we can share our stories appropriately. And so today we want to talk about oversharing. Those times when our big loud mells get the best of us and we open our story either before it is ready to be told, or perhaps with the wrong people who are not ready to treat it with the care that it deserves.
Speaker 1:So, let's pray, and then we'll jump into this one together. God of all grace, who comes to us ready to listen, who welcomes us to share our story, our perspective, however it is that we see the world, however it is that we are experiencing this moment right now. We thank you that you are present by your Spirit to each of us, welcoming us to the table to speak with you, to pour our hearts out and know that we are safe. Or those moments when we have shared our story a little too soon or perhaps with the wrong people and we have been wounded in that. Our story has not been treated with the dignity it deserves.
Speaker 1:God, would you bring healing and repair, comfort to us again, so that from even those difficult moments we may become the kind of empathetic people that can bring our ear to another. We can sit, we can listen, we can give space and respect to those around us. And in that, in our willingness to be in it together, we can provide something of your comfort and care, your healing into the moments that surround us. Be near to us this day. Provide safe space for us to share what it is we are going through with you.
Speaker 1:In the strong name of the risen Christ, we pray. Amen. Okay. Today is all about oversharing. Some more of those words and those stories that we might wish we could take back.
Speaker 1:But today, we're going to cover Canada's Wonderland, Sympathy versus Empathy, and Those Who Deserve Your Story. First though, let's jump to Jesus, and then I'm going to tell you a story, and then we'll make our way back. In Matthew seven, Jesus is teaching and he says, Do not give to dogs what is sacred. Do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.
Speaker 1:Ask and it will be given to you seek and you will find knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives the one who seeks finds and to the one who knocks the door will be opened. So some famous words here, and hold on to those and we'll find our way back. But first, a story. And this is one I told a few years ago.
Speaker 1:I don't know when it was exactly, but it's back there somewhere in the archives, way back before I moved to Calgary. By the way, I moved here in 2004. My wife and I, we have bought a house here, we started a church here, we've adopted two children here in Alberta, but yes, we were at one point from Toronto, which I know you will always hold against me. It's a joke. I know you don't hold it against me.
Speaker 1:But back in Toronto, I was at one point in my life a youth pastor. And when you are a youth pastor in Toronto, it is just part of the liturgy that you organize a summer trip to Canada's Wonderland. So I did this every year. It was a blast. We had a great time every year, but one year I remember deciding to connect with a friend of mine who was also a youth pastor.
Speaker 1:He was therefore under the same obligation to organize a trip to Canada's Wonderland, and we decided to take our groups to the park on the same day. That was going to be a lot of fun because all of the kids would get to hang out with their friends, but so would we. However, I remember distinctly walking with my friend. I believe we were heading toward the vortex. And at some point on the way there, as we passed the wildebeest, I believe, our trajectories varied slightly and we came a little closer together than we might have otherwise planned.
Speaker 1:And his hand brushed up against mine. In fact, his hand almost slid nicely into mine as if for the briefest of moments we were holding hands on the way to the vortex. Now, I've spent some time in different cultures, and not every culture is so deeply afraid of male affection as we are, but this was Canada's Wonderland and we were in our early twenties and so we quickly withdrew our hands and kept walking silently. However, about five minutes later, as we passed the jet stream, I believe, my friend without looking at me would not look at me, staring straight ahead said, That was an accident. What was an accident?
Speaker 1:I replied. I touched your hand earlier. I didn't mean to. That was an accident, he said. Now keep in mind, we're almost at the vortex now.
Speaker 1:We have walked past the wildebeest. We have crossed the footlong hot dog line. We have long since left the funnel cake stand in our past. I mean, we are at the jet stream now, so this has been a long walk. And I turn to my friend and I say, I figured that, but have you been thinking about this all of this time?
Speaker 1:And he says, staring straight ahead, Yes. Now, that's a long way to get to the fact that sometimes we find ourselves a little more exposed than we expected. Perhaps a little more vulnerable than we would have chosen. And sometimes it is silly moments like this that make us feel awkward, but we can laugh at them and tuck them away to bring them back out when we need a story to tell. But then there are those moments.
Speaker 1:Moments where we open ourselves and it isn't unintentional. We make ourselves vulnerable. And maybe it isn't received the way that we expected, or the way that we need it. Maybe someone takes that vulnerability and they say back to us, Oh, don't worry. Everything happens for a reason.
Speaker 1:And maybe what felt like it was a very vulnerable moment to us felt like it was very perfunctory to someone else. I think of Jesus in the Garden Of Gethsemane here. In Matthew 26, he is starting to come to terms with what is going to happen to him. And so he asks some of his closest friends to come and pray with him. He says at one point, Look, my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.
Speaker 1:Can you come and sit with me while I pray? Then it says that he goes a little farther and he falls on his face and he prays. And when he picks himself up off the ground and turns around, his friends are sleeping. And so he goes over to them and he says, Guys, what's the deal here? I thought that you were with me.
Speaker 1:And they shake off the sleep and they say, Oh, right. We're sorry. We're here. Then Jesus goes to pray again and again they fall asleep, and again Jesus comes back, and again they assure him that it won't happen again, and it does. I think we often read this and we immediately think of the disciples and how ridiculous they are.
Speaker 1:Try to imagine Jesus wanting to share what is perhaps the worst moment of his life to this point with some of his closest friends, and they just don't seem to understand the big deal. Mean, the falling asleep is kind of insulting, but the fact that they don't understand why this moment is so important to Jesus, that's got to be what really hurts in the end, isn't it? And I think this is why we sometimes take these experiences of holding awkward hands or falling asleep during prayer meetings and we choose instead to armor up. We decide that that wasn't pleasant and I'm not letting it happen again. And we find ways to ensure that it doesn't.
Speaker 1:We all have ways of doing that. Sometimes we rely on humor. We make a joke when things get vulnerable. Some of us, we count on our competence. We just dive farther into work the more we feel exposed.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we simply learn how to shut down our emotions before they move us to open ourselves in ways that seem scary. I think I actually talked about this on one of the after party episodes with Bobby a few weeks ago, but for me right now, during all of this upheaval of normal rhythms and patterns and the loss that comes along with that, I know that my response has just been to work that much harder. And don't misunderstand me, that is a real blessing. The fact that I can work, the fact that I can be productive, all of that I don't take for granted. But I'm also aware that part of what I'm doing is I'm pushing some of the emotions that I'm going to need to deal with down the road a little bit.
Speaker 1:That can be okay. As long as I'm aware of it, there's a time for everything. And sometimes crisis management means navigating through the crisis in front of you. But the problem with that is, sometimes we get so used to the effort of armoring up to protect ourselves in the moment, we forget how and when to take it all off. And that, as bad as awkward hand holding can be, really is disastrous for our social health.
Speaker 1:There's this letter in the Bible called James. At one point it says, Confess your sins to one another, pray for one another, that you might be made well. And often, we think about that in terms of some kind of supernatural healing, and that's part of it for sure, of course. But the language that's used here is far more expansive than that. Because confessing and praying and speaking and showing up in vulnerable ways, this makes us well in all kinds of surprising ways.
Speaker 1:See, here's the thing: whether it is our sin, or our shame, or our fears, or our hopes, whatever it is that we feel this need to cover up and hide away, and all of these ways that we refuse to allow ourselves to be fully known. What happens is we begin to eat away at our capacity for empathy. Now, empathy is this sort of buzzword that has become very in vogue over the last few years. But I do think it is an incredibly helpful way to understand the difference between sympathy I see your pain, I notice your pain and empathy I'm willing to join you in your pain. This is really very much what we talked about in the first conversation of this series.
Speaker 1:Everything happens for a reason is an expression of sympathy. I see that you're going through something hard. I wish that wasn't the case. Let me try to comfort you. Empathy, on the other hand, is that response that says, Hey, let's sit with this together.
Speaker 1:Let's search for the meaning we can create in this moment together. Let's uncover the story that you can tell about this someday, one day, somewhere down the road. Empathy doesn't mean that you have to have been through this before. It doesn't require you to have the same experiences as someone else. Mean, it's almost never the case.
Speaker 1:Empathy is about the willingness to expose equally vulnerable parts of your story in order to demonstrate that you are willing to go through this story with this person. Of course, the problem is, if we're not aware of the armor that we put on to protect ourselves, and if, therefore, we don't really understand how to take it off when we need to, what happens is that empathy slowly gets harder and harder. And that contributes to a real emotional deficit in our lives. See, here's the virtuous cycle we want to see. We recognize our loneliness, our need for friendship, we take the risk of showing up and being seen.
Speaker 1:We open ourselves in vulnerable ways, which is what enables us to be empathic and to demonstrate our capacity to be with each other. This helps us foster safe environments, and this invites others to step forward and be seen, and all of this facilitates the relationships that address our loneliness. But, when chronically, as a culture, we get used to this idea that we need to armor up, that we need to appear perpetually competent, that we need to be something other than what we are right now. What happens is that eventually we reach a breaking point, where everything inside of us needs to come out, and often we find ourselves not making choices about where to be vulnerable. But now, at the mercy of our emotions, sharing in places where we immediately know we should not have been sharing.
Speaker 1:See, in my experience, the less in touch I am with my emotions, the more I find myself sharing inappropriately. But sometimes, I think we have this idea that if I was to get in touch with my emotions, I would have to become this open book for everyone to read. I'll have no secrets or privacy, I'll have to move to some commune and drink oat milk all day. And maybe you will. Chelsea Paretti tells me that oat milk is excellent.
Speaker 1:But this is not actually true. Because in fact, the more aware we are of what is happening inside of us, the more empathic muscle we develop to see people clearly and join them in their story, the more we choose to be vulnerable as a practice of spiritual health, the more we are actually able to set aside healthy boundaries for ourself and then decide who we let in and where. And that person that you know that is constantly oversharing personal information in ways that make you cringe, That person is not in touch with their emotions. That person is at the mercy of emotions that have not been properly processed. And this is the superpower of empathy.
Speaker 1:Because on the front side, it's what allows us to join someone in their hurt, and to walk with them, and to contribute to their healing. And this is often what we focus on when we talk about empathy. But on the backside, empathy is also what allows us to see what someone is going through, to evaluate their emotional capacity, and then to make a decision about whether they are able to reciprocate our vulnerability right now. Now again, we can only build these muscles by taking chances. And relationship is risk and eventually, inevitably, we're going to get hurt.
Speaker 1:That comes with the territory. But emotional awareness is as much about how we invite people into our story as it ever was about how we enter into theirs. This is what Jesus is talking about in Matthew seven. In the section we read, it's in the midst of the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus has just been talking about judging each other. This is where he drops that famous line about taking the plank out of your own eye before you ever even begin to worry about the sawdust in your neighbors.
Speaker 1:This idea that judgment has a place, but only ever after self awareness and self reflection. But then he drops this line about curls in pigs in dogs: Do not give dogs what is sacred. Do not throw pearls to swine. If you do, they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces. So we go from a metaphor about sawdust to being eaten by pigs, and it all seems a little jarring.
Speaker 1:But it's actually the relationship, the connection between these two sections that makes them come alive. You see, pearls in Hebrew literature are a common metaphor for wisdom. In the previous section, Jesus has just said, Let's remember your wisdom is always limited. So, work on your own situation first, then you can help them begin to deal with theirs. But now, when Jesus follows that up by talking about dogs and pigs, this is really interesting because these animals are generally considered unclean in the Jewish imagination.
Speaker 1:So our first instinct here is to assume that they must be the villains of the story. But then pearls seems like such an odd juxtaposition. I mean, of course pigs are upset about being thrown pearls. What do they want with pearls? They'll just break their teeth on them and get angry.
Speaker 1:And that's his point. Some things, even some things of great value, things like your wisdom, things like your experience, things like your story. These may not be what someone needs or deserves right now. Understand, your wisdom is important. Your perspective that you have won has value, but in the same way, your story is also sacred.
Speaker 1:And it does not belong to the dogs who have not earned the right to hear it. Because emotional intelligence, empathy, it works both ways. It is what enables us to know when to share our wisdom, when to offer our opinions and perspectives in ways that are actually helpful for the people around us. But then it is also what teaches us where to share, and when to be unguarded, how to open up to the right people in the right moments to find that right mix of vulnerable risk and sacred safety. Because here's the truth: you need to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:Without that, you will find yourself putting yourself out there where you shouldn't be. But the people who have not earned the right do not deserve to be invited into those most delicate spaces of your life. I've talked about this before, how much I struggle with vulnerability. When I speak, I try to be pretty raw. There are stories that are meant for this type of a platform to be put out there on the interwebs and up on YouTube for everyone to see.
Speaker 1:But then there are stories that are not for that. Stories that are just only for my wife, Rachel. Stories that are only for my family or for my counselor. They are stories that are only for a very select group of close friends that have earned the right over years of friendship to hear them. But that is not less vulnerable.
Speaker 1:That is more vulnerable, more empathetic. Because when I give what is sacred to dogs, and when I open my big loud mouth to the moments that have not earned the right to bear my story, what happens is I actually begin to close myself off from the holy experience of allowing a select group of human beings who have demonstrated their care for me into a very private, intimate place in my life. And look, you need to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not only about what you share, it's about how and when and where you choose to share it. And so when your big loud mouth gets you into the moments where you begin to trade vulnerability for attention, what this is, is often a sign that perhaps your emotional well-being has not been cared for the way that it should have been.
Speaker 1:Because what you and I are searching for is not just eyes on our hurt. It is for the people who will come alongside and empathize and open part of their story to heal ours. And all of that is far more than an audience. It is the cultivation of the friendships that will give and receive and help you practice the empathy that will carry you forward toward God. And this is part of what is so beautiful about what Jesus offers us.
Speaker 1:We are not to give our pearls to the pigs, are not to share our most important stories with those that do not deserve them. But if we search, and we seek, and we work, and we knock, and we open ourselves up to each other, then the right doors and the right homes and the right opportunities eventually open for us to be vulnerable. They emerge and they allow us to be seen. And you know that God is near to you even now, Hearing you, healing you, repairing you, preparing you for the right relationships that will reciprocate your openness back. Because this is what each of us need at the end of the day, not an audience for our stories, but the empathy, the vulnerability, the relationships that will reciprocate our openness.
Speaker 1:Let's pray. God, for those moments when our big loud mouths have gotten us into spaces where we have been wounded, we have opened our story a little too soon before perhaps we have processed it properly. We have shared something vulnerable with the wrong people or in the wrong spaces where it was not treated with the dignity it deserved. And it hurt. Would you be present by your spirit to comfort, to heal, to repair, to bring us back to the space of knowing that we are deeply loved, and that our story is honored by you.
Speaker 1:And God, as that repair begins to happen in us, may we then slowly become the kind of people who can offer an empathetic shoulder, a willing ear to listen, those who will open ourselves to another in order to contribute to their healing as well. In that, may we bring your peace, your grace, your spirit and presence into every relationship we enter. May we choose wisely, have healthy boundaries, but in that become more vulnerable, more open to the right spaces and the right places where your healing is present to us. In the strong name of the risen Christ we pray, Amen.