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home is a place. a people. a memory. a home with open doors to those who need them, 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, better known as Laurie's House, is, has been, will be a place of becoming. but it is too late. 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, Laurie's House, is gone.
// Laurie's House is a TTRPG Actual Play, produced by tendervicious studios. Using The Home We Remember as its system, Laurie's House tells a tale of memory, identity, and community.
Hamnah: Welcome and thank you for listening to Laurie’s House! Laurie’s House is a Home We Remember Actual Play produced by tendervicious studios, a multimedia production studio that creates experimental shows with intent. We aim to challenge and redefine what is possible across mediums. Laurie’s House features Cai Kagawa as the Architect; Gwendolyn Kelly, Hamnah Shahid, and Amir or Nada Alami as the players; Sea Thomas as the dramaturg; Navaar Seik-Jackson as the podcast editor; and Lexi McQueen as the theme composer.
Hamnah: This episode of Laurie’s House would not be possible without our sponsors, Frivolous Bear Studios and Blackbird Revolt.
Frivolous Bear Studios is a new gaming studio focusing on tabletop roleplaying games that tell untold stories and uplift marginalized voices. The studio is currently accepting pitches for tabletop roleplaying games and other gaming experiences, as well as interest from artists, editors, and designers. Go to FrivolousBearStudios.com to submit your pitch or to express interest for creative work!
Blackbird Revolt is an abolitionist design studio creating designs that shift culture and build power. Through design, they aim to inspire people to engage in activism and movement work. Check out BlackbirdRevolt.com to hire them for graphic design and video production, and to buy their art!
Thank you so much to Frivolous Bear Studios and Blackbird Revolt for supporting our show. We hope you’ll join us in giving love back to our sponsors, so we can all continue to make weird, experimental art. Without further ado, let’s walk together into Laurie’s House.
Hamnah: Content warnings for this episode of Laurie’s House include fire and burning, descriptions of food and cooking, references to sex, complex and complicated relationships, snakes, references to imprisonment, and fish. Please take care of yourself while listening and thank you for Going There with us.
Episode 5, GO-STOP.
Sea: Take a step forward. Walk into a different room. A different building. A different part of town. Look around you. Where are you? When are you?
Memories are not perfect snapshots of places, people, emotions, experiences. They are paintings, recreated every time we step foot into the past. The act of remembering is a rewriting of our personal histories coloured by the moment we’re in, by who we are right now.
Memories are held in places. In rooms. In buildings. In parts of town important to us. Time is a place you find. When you find it, you remember. You rewrite. You erase. You relive.
What story will you tell about yourself? And how many times will you tell it?
Cai: Ash settles blocks away from the diner. Or… was it snow? No, it's spring. It was a spring wedding. The spring morning light pours through the windows as if the sky doesn't care that Laurie's House burned down yesterday, further aging the vinyl booths and the yellowed linoleum. The air is filled with the savory scent of fats cooking on the black flat top and the bitter plume of percolating coffee. The plates on the table are either empty or untouched, and stare back at you like the clock on the wall and the unread messages on your phones.
Cai: The whole world outside waits. There's a to-do list that is half burned away. There's a firehouse full of worried firefighters. There's a question unanswered about Palm Springs. And if you leave this booth, you have to make choices. Or you could stay, order one more meal, a snack, even a glass of water, and pretend like the world can wait.
Cai: Deen, Eira, and Dione, what menu item would help you face the day? And what memory gives it that power? Starting with Deen.
Amir/Nada: Deen was just eating toast was the thing, but it might have been eggs. But there was tea and toast and like, the- the carbon smell and texture of burnt edges of like, browned, browned bread that was toasted maybe twice or more. And they can't stomach it. They- they've been fiddling with this piece of bread for the entirety of minutes, of sitting in nothing.
Amir/Nada: Again, a slipping on vinyl where the bread is sort of like a lifesaver and the memory that it… definitely unveils is thinking of how easy it would be when no one was in the kitchen, the earliest of hours to pop a piece of toast in their mouth and sanction themself to whatever part of the house needed to get done. They were- They were very much always like this when they first got the keys to the house until Dione caught wind, of course. And then the toast, it- it always tastes best when you just woke up on an empty stomach. And they missed that to a degree because Dione would leave things in the fridge labeled for them, and it was an unspoken exchange of kitchen maintenance, leave food in the fridge, kitchen maintenance, wash dishes. Making the food probably takes as much time as cleaning up after everything, and eating is probably the shortest, the- the quickest thing you could possibly do with it.
Amir/Nada: And I think what gives them power from that memory is knowing that it's… they- they're not- they're not sneaking- they're not sneaking around. And there is- there’s a part of them that felt maybe like, ashamed that they had to do that in the first place in order to make an excuse as to why they didn't need to eat breakfast in the morning and instead work for the entire time. But things did change for the better after they got the- the first meal taken care of before noon, and that was a sign that it could- it could be better even if they did not have the foresight to reach out about it at the time.
Cai: What about you, Eira?
Hamnah: The menu item that would help Eira face the day today, in the aftermath of everything, is something to take the taste of burnt everything out of their mouth. And what better thing to do that than something absolutely sickly sweet? So, for Eira, that menu item is an ice cream sundae topped high with all of the different toppings that this diner has to offer, and wolfed down very, very quickly. It is a palate cleanser. It is a- a shield. It is a blanket, something to cover, something to hide almost.
Hamnah: And the memory that gives this ice cream sundae power is every memory that Eira has with Aspen. Always something sickeningly sweet in its own way. Always a distraction. Always blankets, something to hide behind, something to hide under together while the rest of the world burns away. You can pretend, at least underneath the covers for a little bit, that that's not happening or that it hasn't happened or that it won't happen.
Cai: Dione.
Gwen: A long stretch of the Dragon, strewn across the diner, yawns, her bones creaking, aching. An omelet gives you enough fuel for the rest of the morning. And pancakes are a comfort when something has gone awry. And against her better judgment, sometimes you just need a cup of coffee. Sometimes that cup of coffee, going down the length of the serpentine body— Will it ever reach the stomach? It doesn't matter. It's not there for fuel. It's there for a sensation. It's there for a reminder.
Gwen: It starts black. There's nothing in it. There's a reminder that Tera Cook, Dione's mother, took her coffee black. That acrid taste. The pure coffee untouched. Something about a wake-up call. And then cream is added and that harsh acidity is mellowed, softened. And the Dragon is reminded how Theo enjoys his coffee. She's made it countless of times. And then that twinge of sweetness that grows and grows and grows as more spoonfuls are added, as Dione watches her sister Theia add more and more, knowing that she also melted a bit of chocolate at the bottom.
Gwen: And she remembers making each one of these coffees for the people that she loves and the people that she cares about. There is a flapping of a wing, a scale lifts up, and a sigh of steam erupts from it. And the memory, the memories associated with this cup of coffee, they're actually pinpointing an absence of a memory. Dione doesn't know how she likes her coffee.
Cai: Cups are full. The plates are empty, or they're full. What do you see on the plate in front of you now?
Gwen: On the plate, in front of Dione, is... well, it's empty. She swear she put in an order, or wait, did she finish? The Dragon shifts, a new part of the body slipping into the booth. Was there a satisfaction of a finished meal? Or is there a twinge of hunger for one that hasn't arrived yet? And does she remember what it was?
Gwen: “This is hard. I don't know what to say,” The voice echoes out, directionless.
Hamnah: “Hard as it might be… we can't just ignore it, you know? It's not… just about us. I mean, people got hurt. I mean, not badly or anything, but people got hurt.”
Gwen: “I know. I know! I know.”
Hamnah: And Eira's gray eyes look over to Deen, who only moments ago demonstrated to us that they could not feel anything. And there is worry lining Eira's brows as they look over.
Hamnah: “I mean, is there even anything that we can do?”
Amir/Nada: “I mean… are you not hurt?”
Hamnah: “I'm fine.”
Amir/Nada: They're not stable on this seat. They do look like they are adrift and not necessarily just because of the vinyl, but they are very clearly still like— Or, it's not very clear. It's under the table. It's been minutes. It's been hours of them watching their skin get a little redder as they pinch the muscles and grab at what is supposed to be a sensation, and they give it up. And they look to you both.
Amir/Nada: “So, you're not hurt. Are you not hurt?”
Gwen: “Not physically, but also Eira, you always say you're not hurt. I want to believe you.”
Hamnah: And Eira leans back in the booth, their arms, I think, spread out wide and long, kind of resting behind Deen on one side and Dione on the other, who has moved into this, their side of the booth a while ago.
Hamnah: “This is my job, right? I'm fine. If I was hurt, I would do something about it, but I'm not hurt. Other people are hurt and that's- that's the point. That's what I've been trying to impress upon us… Shouldn't we focus on that instead?”
Amir/Nada: I think there's like, an actual flash of— Deen doesn't get angry. It's- it's, um, it's the most muted version of that from you having your hand over in a gesture that they can't feel. They gingerly pick it up instead. Ah, they've been on the outside of the booth. They do not know how long it's been that way. They get up and their feet plant on the ground, I think, maybe with an undeserved amount of confidence or an old purpose that is being re-remembered.
Amir/Nada: “I… Eira, I would much rather feel pain right now than nothing.”
Hamnah: “Exactly. That's my point. That's my point. You feel nothing, and we can change that. We can do something about that. So, come on!” And Eira gets up too, out of the booth. Stands next to Deen. “Come on! We're sitting around. We're doing nothing.”
Gwen: The diner begins to shake as the coils of the Dragon shift and move, and an entirely new section of her moves into the diner, springing into action or maybe just reacting. “Okay, where do we start?”
Hamnah: “The House, obviously.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh… Like that's- like that's—”
Hamnah: “Come on, it'll be fine! It'll be okay. All we have to do is just… stop the fire.”
Amir/Nada: “That is- that is so many tasks under this initial goal that you've put that I don't—” They close their mouth again. Their- Their- Their pupils are like, blown wide as if it's night, or you are an animal that they haven't fully clocked your intentions of yet. They're looking at you, Eira.
Amir/Nada: “There was a lot of things going on in the House. And you're saying that we- we did some— Is it that- Is it that we did something wrong and now we're here?”
Hamnah: “It doesn't matter whatever it was. All that matters is that we do it differently, is that we change it, is that we find whatever the source of the fire was. It must have been some sort of wiring issue or- or something. Maybe a- a kitchen fire gone wrong when you weren't there, Dione. I don't know, but there was something.”
Gwen: A scale lifts up and hot steam blows out of the Dragon's body. The black scales shining, shimmering as the body moves once more. “Just- Just stop it. It- It could be so many things! Where do we start?”
Hamnah: “Well, I'm not just gonna sit here and- and… talk about it for ages, okay? That house is important to Theo.”
Amir/Nada: “Uh huh.” Deen shrinks.
Gwen: “It's important to a lot of people.”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah, I…” Like, their voice is now like, half the volume at once was. “It was. It is… I didn't think… moving on means that it's necessarily… It's not necessarily fair… that we're- we're like— Even if emotions take a while… it's still… Feeling nothing still hurts, Eira… I feel like I lost something. What we can- What can we even do different? We can't- We can't stop the wedding…” They trail off. And they're starting to drag their feet, but they are shuffling to the other side, the table where Dione is somewhat coiled, somewhat uncoiled, and they sit on the table, swaying their feet.
Amir/Nada: “I don't think Eira was trying to say that you did anything wrong.”
Gwen: “I don't think anyone did anything wrong. Accidents happen, but… Okay.” Voice rings out, sourceless again. “Maybe we go back. Maybe some of us back more than we have.”
Hamnah: And Eira looks over at Deen, their demeanor kind of like, changes to be a little bit more springy, like, okay! And they look over at Deen, smiling, excited, almost manic.
Hamnah: “And we can change more than just the House being lost. You don't have to lose anything here, either.”
Amir/Nada: “Hmm.” They look between the two of you, thoughtfully, as now they're sort of stationed between you, with Dione on the- the seat, maybe at the edge. They’re at- She's at the- She's at the edge of the seat, and they're at the table, and Eira's on the ground. And… Deen is definitely the smallest out of everyone here, but… they fix their posture. It's all- It's all- It's all just a matter of remembering that sitting for this long is going to make you lean forward, even though it's just been a few seconds. They're just not- They're just not very good at whatever this new version of things is going to be. And… Now, for a second time, plant their feet on the ground… and walk to the hostess cabinet where, yeah, they already paid for food. And they motion for everybody to be like, I paid for it, in a gesture that they've done before, just today.
Amir/Nada: They lock eyes with Eira across the diner and they give a watery smile, like they want to believe everything will be okay, just because in a way it is all of our jobs to make sure that it will be. “This better not hurt as much the second time.”
Hamnah: “It won't.”
Amir/Nada: “Remember you said that. I'm… holding you to it.”
Gwen: The length of the Dragon begins to coil around the diner once, twice, three times. There is action in the next few minutes, seconds, hours, days, weeks, and there's apprehension as now things are different. But they'll be the same. But they'll be different because now Dione doesn't know. She's not sure of her own actions. She's not sure of her own motivations, and she's afraid of recreating things, knowing that they'll be new. And there is another eruption of steam. No words. Just a tightening of coils.
Cai: Dione… are you prepared for something new, something old, maybe both, or neither?
Gwen: Dione is prepared for old hurt. What she is not prepared for is how it's going to hurt differently.
Cai: Dione, will you please pull a card for me? Let's go with Cups.
Gwen: That is the Seven of Cups.
Cai: The truth of your situation pains you. What mirage do you embrace instead?
Gwen: There's a trip to the grocery store. Not the one closest to Dione; that would be too easy. It's the special one across town. Um, that's the one that has the very particular produce that Mrs. Fletcher needs. And, of course, there needs to be a run to grab the local newspaper that needs to be delivered to Fitz. He's never going to get it himself, but you'll never hear the end of it if he doesn't read it.
Gwen: There is a tray being unloaded out of an oven. Roasted nuts, some of them candied, all assorted pistachios, cashews, walnuts, almonds, pecans. It's a particular blend of salty and sweet that Dione packages individually to give to everyone that she meets on her weekend runs that she's taken over for… well, Dione, as Tera, needs to... wants to meet with everybody in the neighborhood, the community. There is a joy in her face, the smile so bright, as bright as those golden curls. There is an animation to the way that Tera— Dione as Tera speaks with her arms. Head on a swivel, always ready to greet the next person. She knows everyone in the neighborhood, and it takes the entire bus route to get to everyone.
Gwen: Dione— Tera, as Dione enters the bus. And sits. Her bag full of her packaged nuts to give to people. Some of them are labeled specifically because there are particular allergies that she's very aware of. And she's still on the bus. Dione is still… on the bus.
Cai: The passing trees, the other cars on the road, all move past the diner windows. No, the bus windows. People get on the bus. They get off. Some of them might wave to you, Dione— Tera, n— Dione. But not a one of them is there to see you. They're going somewhere else. They're going to go see other people, do other things. You'll see them at their homes once you get off the bus ‘cause you have to go to each and every one of them.
Gwen: Dione… Dione, for once— On the bus, normally her head is down. Sometimes headphones are in. Sometimes notes are being taken, new recipes are being written, but for once, she looks up as the bus stops and the doors open. She hears the rain on the roof of the bus before, and then the rain on the top of the umbrella as the passenger, their face obscured by the umbrella, closes it, and boards the bus.
Gwen: Dione has her head down, her fists clenched over her umbrella that lies across her lap. Just… sitting in the space in between these destinations, these interactions, these obligations. People. These people. And… trying not to be aware of this in-between space… But she can't. She's still on the bus. This is an in-between space where it's just her until the bus stops and the doors open, the sound of the rain just a little bit louder.
Cai: Because it's falling on something, on a person, on a veil. A veiled Princess steps onto the bus, sopping wet, fuming. She doesn't enter elegantly. She enters with cutting eyes beneath a wet veil. She walks down the center aisle, not looking at any of the empty seats, but sits directly next to you, Dione, across the aisle, looking straight at you.
Gwen: And if it weren't for catching just the edge of the trim of the soaked dress, she might not have even looked up. But Dione does.
Cai: “So, you do notice me.”
Gwen: Dione looks around, left, right. Doesn't see anyone else but the princess across from her. “How are you…? How are you here?”
Cai: “What? Like, you were gonna ignore me? I'm here! I belong here! Why don't you ever notice that I'm here?”
Gwen: “It's— I'm very aware that you're— that you're here, but why are you here?”
Cai: “Are you? Is it you or is it… I don't know, Laurie or mom?”
Gwen: “I… Sometimes it's… just what people need. It’s what people ask for. I'm trying— I'm trying my best to fill…”
Cai: “I could never say what I want. What I want.”
Gwen: “That's because you would hurt people. You did before, and the only person that we could maybe make stay left.”
Cai: “So, I get stuck in the tower.”
Gwen: Dione looks past the Princess out the window of the bus. There's no more road. There's no more passing houses and shops. It's just dark thunder clouds. “That's… I don't… want… I don't— I don't want you to stay there.” And something stops the bus. A large coil around the windows black out as the Dragon constricts.
Cai: The Princess tries not to scream. This isn't new. She doesn't even really move, but those long fangs that hang from her lips tighten as she sneers just a little. “This is— You're doing this again! Again!”
Gwen: “I don't want to blow up everything, okay? I— I want the same things, but I also… I— I also like it here. I also love the people here. I— I also want to take—”
Cai: “So, I have to, what, behave?”
Gwen: “Would you— Would you care for the people? Would you— Would you care for everyone?”
Cai: “I have to care for myself first. Don't you care for me?”
Gwen: And the windows darken even further as the Dragon covers up the windows, and in the darkness, the serpentine eye of the night shines in Dione. “I've been trying to get you out, but—”
Cai: The Princess leans back, not scared, not disgusted, just removing ever so slightly the only way she can a little bit further back into the seats.
Gwen: “I’m… I'm afraid of what you'll do.”
Cai: “I know how to curtsy and smile and be nice. But then you put me in a tower. You leave me there. I deserve to be heard! Don't I deserve to be heard?”
Gwen: “Yes. Yes, you deserve— you deserve to be heard. But some of the things that I know you want to say… and I know that you won't hold back, we can't come back from.”
Cai: “Sometimes I have to be selfish. Sometimes it's my voice.”
Gwen: “What do you want to say?” And Dione stands up, places the umbrella on the ground with one hand on the serpent of the handle.
Cai: And Dione, what… secret, what words, what… thing have you locked away deep inside of a tower? What aches to come out?
Gwen: Dione's pissed. Dione is resentful of everyone that's ever come through Laurie's House, of everyone who came to Tera's funeral, everyone that helped see Theia off. Because… all those moments of sacrifice, of loss, of grief, those are just moments that Dione had to take up a new mantle… And nobody batted an eye. They haven't since. Sure, they want to know what Dione thinks and they want to know what they can do for Dione, but… nobody knows Dione. Nobody.
Cai: How many veils are on the Princess?
Gwen: There's four. There is a veil for every loss, and there is a veil that she doesn't even know. She doesn't know what's under it.
Cai: The Princess looks at Dione holding the umbrella. “I just want to be free.”
Gwen: And the darkness around the bus begins to dissipate, and the bus lurches forward, the Dragon releasing the tower. And… And Dione, the Knight, takes a step forward, stumbling, as the tower shakes, leaning on her sword. “Will I regret— Will I regret letting you out?”
Cai: “Will you regret leaving me here?” And she extends a hand.
Gwen: The Knight reaches out a gauntleted hand to take the Princess’, and she pulls her in close up to the helmet, the eye peering through the armor. “But we're leaving together. Not just you. All of us.” And the dragon— A jet of hot steam erupts from outside, blowing a hole in one of the thunderclouds. The sun shining through.
Cai: The light of the sun reflects off of the municipal bus, the same one that makes a circuit around the town. The one that’s taken you to work, to funerals and family skate night… You disembark the bus.
Cai: Dione, the truth of your situation pains you. What mirage do you embrace instead?
Gwen: The truth does pain Dione. The truth that nobody knows who she is. The truth that she isn't fully sure who she is. The truth of these small in-between spaces that she's been trying to avoid. Those gaps are getting wider. And those mirages that she puts up, those facades, those projections are starting to melt away. She can't hold on to them anymore, even though she's— she's still kind of trying. She doesn't have any mirages to embrace anymore. She's not ready to embrace the truth either. So, she is here slowly removing the veils. And she is scared without her illusions, without her protections, but she is there and there is a truth to be found.
Cai: What changes inside the House?
Gwen: The childhood nightlight. A previous source of comfort and play for many years— it's a marvel that it still works— is now a tall, standing Turkish lamp with the multiple chains coming down to the individual lanterns of stained glass, each with their own unique colour. But some of them are not whole. Some of those cages are broken. And that doesn't diminish from the beauty of the artwork and it doesn't prevent the light from working, but it changes what people see.
Cai: The lights stop passing the bus ‘cause you're in the diner. You've come here to a place of community. You were all going to leave, right?
Gwen: “Okay. Let's go.”
Amir/Nada: “To the House. Yes, how do we even like—?” They- They make a motion as if they're like, swinging Red Rover with their two hands and like, jump across to another tile. “You- Do we want to just like—? What—? Come— Please, Dione, can you please come down? Uh, we can walk out.”
Gwen: There is a small shift and then a large movement almost like, uh, hitting the button on a tape measure, as the coils of the Dragon unwinds over and over and over and over again, moving out of the diner. And as you do, you feel a heat. You feel a fire in the belly of this serpent threatening to erupt. Not violent, but some kind of fire. “Let's go,” as Dragon continues to move out the door.
Cai: Deen, your shoe’s untied.
Amir/Nada: They- They noticed that immediately after that mock jump, that testing of the boundaries. They like, put a hand up to Eira, who is still bright gray. Gray isn't a bright color, but it's strange; it looks good on them. They bend down because, of course, they're not going to fucking leave any establishment with untied shoes. They're a fall risk.
Cai: As you crouch down and tie your shoes, will you please pull a card for me?
Amir/Nada: All right.
Cai: The suit of Swords, if you don't mind.
Amir/Nada: Okay! You know, yeah, I got the Ace of Swords, so, uh…
Cai: Deen, thick foliage blocks your way as you walk through the jungle. How useful is the tool in your hands for clearing your path?
Amir/Nada: Well, normally it would be their hands. Their hands do everything for them. That's what they were taught anyway. And it's clover. It’s- It's not a jungle. It may have been a jungle when they were four, and they were curious about why dirt always smelled so good, and digging into it, and doing all the things that kids do with their hands. Uh, that way, it was a jungle, but the path was trough- like, making little troughs next to like, the uh, like, not uprooted ground, but the earth around a tree in which the roots take all of the plant life with it, so it is like a ring. Deen used to play. Deen wants to, even.
Amir/Nada: They're able to see from their second story window. They can see the garden from here, but there has been a patch of earth that has been untouched. Something about… the soil needing a rest. And eventually, other things were rotated, which were Theo's own projects that Deen would occasionally, when they had the energy, push their face against the glass of their window, and imagine what it would be like to get fed things like soil does. And then to get replaced and rotated and worked like, massaged through like a rake, or tilled like a plow.
Amir/Nada: And it's not a jungle. Right now, the fact that it's even a clover patch means that nitrogen has been put back into the soil. There's been squash. There's been, I think, native alder plants, but it was all within the bounds of Theo letting it run its course and potting things in his room. There was always like an occasional wink, nudge whenever Deen caught Theo looking up at the House and at them like, ‘When are you going to come down here?’ And then Deen feels that bone tired that happens when you haven't stood up in way too long. And they put it off and they put it off, but… Not today. At least, uh, not this time today.
Amir/Nada: They come in, and the only way I could describe as Deen being overdressed as having the thickest gloves in the shed, and corduroy, denim, everything all still brown. Basically, a corduroy jumpsuit and their multi-tool that they slipped into their pocket with, um… I think, right now, they have been ruminating over packets of seeds, not really quite ready to approach the patch, which may soon be ready for planting. But as far as they know, they're alone in the shed.
Cai: In the frighteningly quiet way that they walk, Theo appears outside of the door, announcing himself with a hand on the wall where there's a series of hooks that are all about the right height for him to reach. That are a little short for many of the other people, which often ends in them getting poked in the side if they walk into the shed the wrong way. Um, for Theo's special hand tools.
Cai: “Oh! Hello, Deen.”
Amir/Nada: And silently, like Theo entering, Deen jumps in their skin. Though, it is very obvious that this is just a bad habit, uh… They don't actually know where this habit came from. They're not flighty like a deer. They're supposed to be… you know, steadfast, strong like a lion. And it sits wrong in their chest that they're like, maybe in the dark, in a corner, like a prey animal. And they are so off balance that I think… yeah, I will pick them up just this once, turn them around, and put them down not so gracefully that they fall on all four feet or all three feet. They're using the cane… the cane, the stick, the crutch, the hiking stick. Regardless, it's too short for them. So, they try to swivel, stand, and they instead stumble and drop it. They put it to the side. And you could just see like, nothing but their eyes reflecting the light from outside in the dark, as they hear you. They see you. And the stick clatters on the ground.
Cai: Theo's hands reach out to those slitted lion eyes, to those wide, Deen eyes. Kindness. No fear. Not even real concern that you were even going to fully fall because he was right there. And with the steadiness of a mountain, a stone on the shore, Theo reaches out, “Careful there, Deen.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh! Right. Right. Um…” They realize now that perhaps it is so dark in here and so bright out there that, of course, they would be off balance. It's not the cane. It's not the crutch’s fault. It's not the stick's fault. Whatever it is, it's too small for them, and they step out, so the light's actually revealing, uh, more of them. They're like, covered in a layer of dust from the shed. They— They look like they've been in here for a minute. And they… Theo's hands are outstretched or just his presence is outstretched? I am asking.
Cai: Uh, his actual, physical hands are outstretched.
Amir/Nada: Okay, then Deen takes one, uh, stone on stone and, uh, sort of lets himself— sort of lets themself get pulled out to a really nice afternoon, evening.
Cai: Their skin is soft. They hold you with a firmness that they're otherwise very, uh, kind and gentle demeanor almost obfuscates, but Theo isn't soft like a feather or light like a breeze. Theo has always been a keystone, a foundation, the ground itself. And a sort of wily smile crosses their lips. “Well, I was coming out here to plant, but it would appear that I've done the opposite and plucked you from the earth.”
Amir/Nada: Uh— Deen, half a second late to let Theo know, yes, they're processing the joke. They get it, and they do like, the exhale laugh like, “Oh ho! Yeah! Yeah! I— Hmm…” They look back into the shed, but then again like, they're on the earth that grounds them. Earth is grounding, but Theo was also grounding, and they don't look unsteady anymore. They just look confused back there. “I was also thinking about planting, but I came out of my room today and I tripped on that, uh…” Motions their head inside.
Cai: “Oh… Is that yours?”
Amir/Nada: “No. And… No, absolutely… I didn't get it. This was here in the fi— second floor, in the third floor sometimes. I just tried to put it out of the way. Uh, doesn't belong to Pascal. No one would tell me—”
Cai: “It's not mine.”
Amir/Nada: “Yes. Uh… No one that comes and goes has claimed it.”
Cai: “You know how this House is. Sometimes there are just things here, but if you find that you need it, or would like it, or just are taken by it, by all means.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm.” They nod very seriously, and because they're so tall, it's perhaps natural that they hunch a little bit more to be at eye level to make it so that perhaps Theo doesn't have to crane up in the way that most people do. They always have to consider that perspective when it comes to door frames, basement ceiling being very low, and… Deen looks again at the shed, the dark, and they say, “I guess I was also seeing if I could find something to fix it, but I’m— I'm too tall for that… now.” And they motion, put like a hand on their hip, as they sort of naturally lean against the wall of the shed and…
Cai: The wall of the shed bows a little, not because Deen is particularly heavy. It's a very thin, very old shed. It is loved, but it is another thing on your list that you know… A slat will fall out. The wind will blow a part of it. It is not as strong as the House.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, and I think whatever air of cool that Deen was trying to maintain from recovering from the stumble is gone. And they alm— they push— they gently push off of the wall and kind of shake their head, their hair kind of like, almost puffing up in a halo around them in the way that curly hair does when it's growing in. And they regard Theo again.
Amir/Nada: “Okay, so… you were planting. You said you were planting.”
Cai: “Yes, I was going to go and, um, tend to— There's a particular spot that I think it's time to see about putting something new in.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm! Would you…? Well… would you mind some help? Would you mind some company?”
Cai: “Oh, I don't always need help, but I always need company.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm.” They— They feel— They seem relieved. They look relieved. It's like tension from the top of their head down sort of, uh, unlocking and unlatching as their posture is really bad. They wish something could help, but they nod solemnly, seriously. “I, uh… I'm curious to see what you would want to plant in there. You— Please lead the way.”
Cai: “All right.” And finally Theo grabs the tool that he was originally fumbling along the wall to grab. He just grabs his trowel. “I wanted to see if the soil is quite ready. Come on.” And he turns in his house slippers and just very slowly starts to make his way across the yard towards the garden in that methodical pace that Theo seems to always keep. It doesn't matter if it's going up the stairs, down a hallway, down a hill, across a park. It's the same speed that he takes everything.
Amir/Nada: Mhm, and Deen sees it. They always normally walk around it. They wait for Theo. Uh, never really quite matching their pace, but they s— There— There is an urge to walk ahead of them, but their knees really hurt. Just this once, they're going to listen. But also their ankles hurts, and these boots are supposed to be made for work and, right now, just getting up and going like, out of the house is work, so… They plod, I think, slower. They trail behind Theo, and… They think so much about the processes in their body, like scabs healing themselves, or skin growing on skin, or bones… trying to work with joints or getting stuck with joints, and they know this is going to keep happening. It's not like aging is a bad thing, but it's almost like, as they slow down behind Theo, as if there is like, a gap that is widening between them. They slow down for real. They are too fucking old for this.
Cai: And as you walk along the garden seeing the mint, the thyme, all of the herbs and edible plants spread through the garden with love, near the edge just past the tree, the lemon tree that twists and sometimes still produces the occasionally actually good lemon, is a seemingly just large green bush, but you know and anyone who has spent time in the House knows, it is a brilliant azalea bush. And next to it is a plot of land that has been barren for quite some time.
Cai: “Well, this is it.” And Theo puts down their knee board and slowly lowers himself down onto the ground.
Amir/Nada: And Deen cocks their head at the knee board seriously, and thinks about what it must be like to carry that, only to use it for this simple action. And they test the ground out. They put their knees to… the rocks? No, they— they want to see this soil. They don't know anything about it. It doesn't look barren to them. They, I think, like, take a little bit of it. It's not like— It's between wet and dry, and it kind of dissolves like sand still. So, they shake it off in a few motions and look. And now, in an extremely rare occurrence, they're at eye level with Theo. And their head is hung, and their shoulders are rounded, and their hips are fused. Rock solid.
Amir/Nada: “How do you know it's ready?”
Cai: “Well, for one, I'm tired of looking at an empty spot. But I think more importantly, the ground has had enough time to change in the old roots from that nasty little bush that used to be here are gone”
Amir/Nada: “What was here before?”
Cai: “And... Ugh. It was this prickly thing, uh... It means the sea. Eh, not important.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm.”
Cai: “The important thing is that it sat here empty for a very, very long time and, um... Oh… I think I'd like something to grow here again. What would you like to see in the garden, Deen?”
Amir/Nada: They look like they hadn't considered that it was their turn to speak, like it was that sort of game, uh… They rev up the talking engine with their mouth, like they put their hand to their jaw and move it to try and like, formulate words without their brain fully being there quite yet. “Hmm. I've… always been a fan of mints, but I know it has a terrible, terrible reputation with—”
Cai: “Yes, it fights enough with everything down there. It’s like a weed.”
Amir/Nada: And Deen winces at that. “Yeah. It is like a weed. It's not even the kind of mint that I like even, though, so… It would require a lot of work.”
Cai: “We'll have to fix that, but this is not a place for weeds. This is a place where I like to put my perennials and annuals that actually are going to bloom. The stuff for eating for Dione is further down.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. A tree would be nice. I…” There's an idea that like, bubbles as they're like, physically opening and closing their mouth, but they look a little too cowardly, afraid in this moment to say it. And… Deen, probably still a little too clueless for their own good, looks to their side. “Are poppies perennials?”
Cai: “Oh! We can plant poppies here. They would do very nicely in this, uh, semi-shaded area.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm.”
Cai: “It's been a while since we've had a nice bunch of poppies. What color poppy do you think?”
Amir/Nada: “Oh! Red!” Immediately out of their mouth.
Cai: “Hmm. Traditional. I like it. It'll look very nice next to these azaleas… Yes, I think poppies will do very well.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm hmm. I can see it. And I agree… And I guess I have a question, Theo. I… Because you are the only one that I ever see around here…” And they look like the wrong words at this moment could be so, so rude, that they— they don't want to— they don't want to fuck this up. But they— they're— they're holding— they're holding the question as if… may— maybe it's not rude and no one's really like, asked them before, asked him before, Theo. “Haven't you considered…? Haven't you considered hiring someone to do this?”
Cai: “I would rather let the garden go entirely than hire someone to do this. This is my spot of land. This,” And they put their hand, uh, gently on— just on some of the leaves of the azalea. “This has been here as long as I have.”
Amir/Nada: “That's true… You— You came… to Laurie with… an azalea.”
Cai: “Oh, no. This is—”
Amir/Nada: “That was—”
Cai: “I went home first, packed all of my things, and then brought the azalea, so it's a couple months behind.”
Amir/Nada: “Mm! Crucial detail. Crucial detail, of course.”
Cai: “And— And really, she— she was thrust upon me. I didn't even have much of an option, really.” And he says this with a smile.
Amir/Nada: And Deen is also smiling as they are… I think, in the way that I see it, they are miming a similar position that comes naturally in Islamic prayer where you're on your knees, and your hands around your knees, and you are like looking out at the sun, and a very nice afternoon is just aimless behind them in this moment. And… Deen smiles and then doesn't smile. They click their teeth. “But doesn't it hurt? To do any of this?”
Cai: “Yes, but I'd rather have that hurt than no garden… And besides, it hurts to walk anywhere, do anything. I may as well do what I love.”
Amir/Nada: And there is like, a watery smile. It's a very real smile that comes up as Deen is looking at their hands on their knees like, “It does always hurt, I guess. But it would maybe be easier on other people's consciences— consciousness if you were to rest? Maybe? That’s—”
Cai: “Good luck catching me.” He says with a wiry smile.
Amir/Nada: And their— their eyebrows fly up like, half a second late. This is— This is part of the social game. This is part of the… Yes. Of course, Theo, of all people, would never stop until he was ready. “But it does— it does hurt,” Deen says, not talking about Theo, not talking about gardening. The garden is just the room that we're in. It's not the… the topic. It's not the subject. This is about people, and… They let that sentence ring.
Cai: Theo's hands, one wearing a gardening glove, the other coming off of his azaleas, that piece of home, going to the collar of his shirt, where he wears two rings on a necklace. And he doesn't frown. His brow doesn't knit. He smiles more. “I wouldn't stop for anything… because it makes me happy, Deen.”
Amir/Nada: “Sounds very simple when you say it.”
Cai: Deen, thick foliage blocks your way as you walk through the jungle. How useful is the tool in your hands for clearing your path?
Amir/Nada: I think Deen has been coming at it all the wrong way. Their hands, the normal tool to use, they've failed. They are not— They are not from this biome even. They are not from this country. They are using a scythe in a jungle, which is absolutely the incorrect thing to use in any context in the jungle, so… Much like any other circumstance with anybody stronger, anybody more skilled, anybody better than Deen, they would still fail, I think, with this tool and this circumstance. They will try not to blame themself for not knowing any better.
Cai: And what object in the House changes?
Amir/Nada: I think it is so strange that a multitool can be anything, and… I think, right now, when Deen is just trying not to think about mortality and is trying to think about grounding and love instead, it is a scythe. It is in the shed and… It will never catch, you know, what Theo said about never catching them. That's true for all modes of survival. It's very rare when people walk calmly into the arms of the end, so… It'll stay in the shed, and maybe when Deen finds it, it'll be something else, but it's a scythe.
Cai: The fire emerges in the hallway under the stair railing on the first floor. A spark deep in the House. The flames wrap around the swinging kitchen door, swallowing the two cameras that remain on the shelf and snaking onto the apron that hangs just inside. It catches the cabinet above where an assortment of tea catches quickly. Deen, the fire consumes this ever replenishing cabinet of teas. What is the last pleasant, nostalgic smell in Dione's kitchen?
Amir/Nada: It's different for everybody, I think. Eira, what's your favorite way to do tea?
Hamnah: Eira's favorite way to do tea is a traditional Kashmiri chai. It's very aromatic and there are a lot of spices sort of blended into the tea to make a complex flavour profile.
Amir/Nada: Mm-hmm. And Dione… What is your favorite way to have tea?
Gwen: A piping hot lavender chamomile, in hopes that it serves its function in getting Dione to sleep. It's less about the taste. Although, maybe if she ever got into mixology, she could distill this into a martini, but yeah, it makes her think before maybe falling asleep. It's nice. It serves multiple functions.
Amir/Nada: And Dione is not the only one that needs it. I think so much of the drinks that we have that purely serve in keeping us awake and then keeping us asleep require big glass jars. They… There's no need for Deen to guess out of an assortment because they make the perfect tea and nobody can take that from them. So, they just have three to four jars that almost don't fit in the cabinets. That's how big they are.
Cai: The fire curls up the cabinet where large jars of tea all sit, ready to be comforting. They don’t catch easily. They’re thick, heavy, meant to hold and last. The cork lids pop off and eventually, it all joins the ash, but it does not speed the fire.
Cai: The fire spreads across the first floor, beginning to bloom at the ceiling and climb up the staircase like a chimney. The hunger for momentum of running from a snow leopard. In the common room, the chairs, tables, and the old hardwood floor itself dance with blues, reds, and oranges, as the fire consumes the furniture. It catches the cabinet beneath the aquarium, causing it to list before crashing down onto the entry hallway. Eira, what spills out of the quiet and still depths of the water?
Hamnah: The aquarium was much larger than it has been in quite some time. It was upgraded because it was home to a singular electric eel. Large, looming, sizzling almost in the water with its almost lethal— potentially lethal electric shock running through its waters, now spilled out onto the floor of Laurie's House.
Cai: The immense tank floods the entire walkway in the front area, putting out all of the hardwood. The glass shatters, but is largely pushed against the walls and soaks some of the surrounding furniture. For the moment, though there is glass and stone and some loose other pieces from the aquarium, the common room sits safe for just a moment longer than the rest of the first floor… until the kitchen.
Cai: The fireball bursts from the windows and the basement doors blast open, sending the multi-tool that had been resting nearby flying. Deen, are your tools on hand of use or lost possibly, finally for good?
Amir/Nada: Deen doesn't really ever truly lose their tools. I think there would be something actually shameful about that, but today, they didn't need… the trowel. They thought that they were going to just put one bucket of flowers up and… if there is any place that it would sleep, rest, hide, it would be the shed.
Cai: The explosion pushes the doors open. The percussive wind hits the shed, but the shed itself unharmed, the tool remaining inside and on hand, ready to dig, to move, to redirect the water from the hose in the garden.
Cai: Upstairs, the third floor is burning. The ties that keep us from changing holding tight. Eira and Aspen are bathed in the nightlight. Dione, is your nostalgic light a warning or a camouflage for the flame?
Gwen: That nightlight… actually displays a sense of calm. The red and orange not giving away any indication that anything has happened. Why would anything be happening? This is the way things look and feel and smell. Those memories under those light disappear when it shifts into blue and purple and suddenly, it's very easy to see those embers. It's very easy to feel the heat when contrasted with the blues, with purples. Something's wrong.
Cai: The stained glass-like nightlight shifts color, revealing the orange glow before it climbs up higher than can be pushed away in the hallway safely. Eira and Aspen find their way out from the window with time, lowering themselves carefully down onto the front steps. But the house still burns.
Cai: You all stand in the street and watch. The fire department, your fire station, Eira, arrives moments later. But it is too late. 1471 Thomas Sloan Avenue, Laurie's House, is gone.