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In this episode, Samantha finishes up her discussion on the shame trigger of Parenting in a conversation with Eileen Grimes. Eileen is the author of "Loved As You Are," which is a parent-child journal that encourages connection and makes the process intentional. She encourages listeners to get curious about who our children are. They are their own individual people and recognizing that is important. We also need to understand that parenting is not prescriptive. Each and every child is unique and we, as parents, need to recognize that and let go of any expectations we put on our children because of our own pasts. Eileen ends the discussion with some practical tips on how to start building bridges with our kids and kindling those relationships. So, listen in as Eileen and Samantha Flush It Out!
Flushing It Out with Samantha Spittle, the Introvert's Extrovert. The podcast where she talks to people so you don't have to...for now.
Samantha Spittle 0:00
I'm excited to jump in and talk parenting and I love how you are a parent and then had saw a need and created. What does that you know, like you see a need and you feel it. So I think that's awesome. So why don't we just jump in and you introduce yourself, Eileen?
Eileen Grimes 0:19
Sure, yeah. So, Eileen Grimes. I'm a mom of two littles right now there are four and eight, which is, I mean, gosh, a whole experiment in parenting with a pandemic and all the things. Yeah, that's a whole other story we have. So a mom of two, I am an author of the US journal, which I know we'll talk about a little bit more. And also trained educators, I have my master's in education, which is where some of the, when I wrote the book, where a lot of that kind of comes from, in my experience within that in Yeah, I mean, as an author, and you know, working on a speaking career, and I'm working through some really cool things I'm excited about the whole idea of what I want to do is start we, you know, there's a lot of people who are really good, and their expertise is connecting with ourselves, right? It's that first step of like, I need to take care of myself. where I'm coming from is step two, and healing and connecting back with each other. Right? That's, that's my goal. Yeah,
Samantha Spittle 1:24
I love that. And that's why I'm really excited about our conversation. Because, you know, this month, we're unpacking the shame trigger of parenting. And my whole thing, you know, you and I, whenever I read any of your things, it's like everything. So it's like a life, you know, because we're both, like you said all about healing and connection and things like that. But I love how you take it like the next step, because, you know, I think I just wrote about it recently, or something. But it's like, if we don't work out our stuff, we pass it on to the next generation, whether on purpose or not. And if you need to learn more about that, watching Kanto and con Oh, I bet we could have a whole
Eileen Grimes 2:01
podcast episode about that. I'm going to talk about Bruno there.
Samantha Spittle 2:05
Oh my gosh, like, let's get a trauma therapist in here. And we'll just have a little roundtable like, oh, so good, so good. And so yeah, I've been thinking about that, how we, you know, we have to heal ourselves. But the thing is, what I keep remembering is, if I'm not intentional with my kids, like I'm trying to do all the things, right. But I love how you have this perspective as both, like you said, an educator, and a mom, and now an author of How do we connect it all. Because if I'm just focused on me, me, me, even though I know it's for my kids, and it's like the greater good. I don't want to like wait until they're adults to then finally figure this out. So I'm just grateful for you. I'm grateful that you felt that nudge that there needed to be something and you pursued it. So. So thank you for that.
Eileen Grimes 2:54
Yeah, absolutely. And so for me, you know, like I said, the work definitely still needs to happen within ourselves and within our kids and things like that. And they think having that centering perspective on who we are is so important. And that work should be done not saying it shouldn't. What I want to focus on then is how do we come back to each other? How, in a time that's, you know, for our children from a parenting perspective, but this goes even bigger than that this goes into? How do we heal our world? How do we, how do we connect what is seemingly so disconnected in this time and place? And that's one that connection to ourselves, but being curious, and coming from a space of saying, I don't have to control the outcome of who you are? Right? You're not me, you're not me. And that's so hard as a parent, when I'm like, Well, I know what I would have needed as a child. That is not necessarily what your child needs,
Samantha Spittle 3:57
is that it's funny because, you know, another conversation I had around this topic, it's, it's, you know, you think, Oh, this is the way it works. I'm going to follow the guidelines, I'm going to follow the rules. And then you figure out what works, you're like, I'm just going to replicate it. And then you have another kid, and then you forget what they need, might not be what the other one needed. And then like you said, we're being especially I mean, I know for me being very like an empathetic person. I think, well, this, I'm so empathetic, and this is what I need. And I'm relating to them, but like, I could have it wrong. I think I am relating to them. But I might not. Yes. So
Eileen Grimes 4:35
yeah. How do we start doing that? Exactly. And that for me, that's where the journal comes in. But it's also something that I do with my kids on a regular basis, asking questions. It's being curious about who these other people are because they are their people. I mean, how many parents can say from the day my child was born? I know they were their own person. The way they came into the world, though. way that they just exist, there is something and they you know, I know we've talked about nature versus nurture. And there's definitely both parts of that. And understanding and being open to, to the nature of who they are allows us to be better nurturers for them. Because yeah, I have two kids, like I said, both very different children.
Samantha Spittle 5:22
Yeah. Do you find that like, so were you in the classroom? Or are you No?
Eileen Grimes 5:27
Okay. But yeah, I also, I coached preschool gymnastics. And, you know, I did a lot of volunteering in classrooms when I was younger, I have run the gamut of working with all different kinds of
Samantha Spittle 5:39
kids. Yeah. And that's great, too, because it gives you such good perspective. Did you see the difference from when you were working with kids? Because I know personally, I feel like to other people's kids, I can have much more of that healthy detachment. That's something we've talked about on the podcast before with our kids, you know, having that healthy detachment, like you were just saying about not being so tied to who we think they are, who we want them to be that they're their own person. And I tried to do that. But it's hard, because I'm a person, you know, have this innate, but with other people's kids, I feel like, I have such a, you know, they're not my kids. So it's even easier to have a healthy detachment. This is who I want to be, I want to have that relationship with my kids. But how can I actually follow through with it? So for you having that difference with Did you notice that after your kids were born?
Eileen Grimes 6:29
Absolutely. Yeah. And I mean, I think like I said before, I think so much of that is in that we are connected with them, they need us so much. And you know, in those early days, when they are there, it's like I see your need, I know what I need to do. It's very prescriptive, right? It's like, I read the parenting books, this is that this is what I do. I can meet all your needs, I can do all the things, I have all the control. And I feel like parenting I don't feel like I know, is this sort of like lessening of control over time. And that's so hard to do, when you're used to it, right? Like, it becomes something you become accustomed to. But it changes so quickly, over time as their infants as they're one, and they're toddlers, and then they start becoming autonomous people in and of themselves and to, to let that go, is a hard thing for me, for me as a parent. Right? And yeah, and learning that, but when I have, you know, in the classroom, it was kind of like, okay, these are my kids for this year. And you know, they might be at this specific developmental milestone, and you know, all of those kinds of things. I love that I actually, that's the one thing I was told, like, I love you guys. Yeah, even my high schoolers, they thought that was so weird, probably, but it was fine. But yeah, it's it is it's very different. And, and that's the other piece too, is that I think that it's so important to make sure you have multiple, really healthy adult relationships that your kids can see and begin developing. Because I, I had very different relationships with my students than my students had with their parents. And for them to have a trusted role model in these other people. Maybe I'm not the space that they want to talk to you about sex or what? Not? Yeah, but if I'm not, then they have other healthy places to be able to go. And you know, for me, like, letting go of that control. Again, it's like this control piece of like, I have to be there everything. And I'm not. Yeah, I'm not going to be
Samantha Spittle 8:36
yes. And I actually want to just almost like, have you reiterate that point one more time, because I think it is actually really crucial. You said about having, showing your kids healthy adult relationships, friendships, things like that. And I think I just wanted to kind of just, you know, highlight that again, because, like you said, having kids have multiple outlets to talk to the people we think, you know, that they're going to go to might not be who they are. And then of course, safe relationships. That's the other thing too, you know, I mean, that we could get into a whole other conversation about that. Save people, but um, you know, you know, we still have to have boundaries and all that kind of stuff, but I just love that you just touched on that. And that can be such a positive thing for our kids. So
Eileen Grimes 9:23
yeah, absolutely. And I like I so my son, right now, like we have a therapist for me. I mean, I have a therapist, I I having a mental health approach for my child or for my children and family is so important for me. And I might not be that outlet. And I'm, I know what I don't know. Or maybe I don't know what I don't know sometimes, right? Yeah,
Samantha Spittle 9:48
we know that. We don't know that.
Eileen Grimes 9:50
I know. Yeah, I
Samantha Spittle 9:51
know. I don't know. And I know I have a lot to learn that would be older you get the more you realize you don't know so
Eileen Grimes 9:57
but there are other people that do right And I think so in the end for me, and being able to ask for help is something I've had to work on for myself. But also, as a parent, I don't know everything, I'm not going to know everything. And I think that we're I get I got caught. And when I was first, you know, with the kids, when they're really, really, really young are so young, but really young, is this idea that it's like, parenting is prescriptive, I know I am this one specific kind of parent, these are the things that I do. This is how it's gonna work. And I can solve everything. If I do it in this specific equation. It doesn't work like that, right? Every kid's different. And we need different resources for each kid. And being able to understand that and understand them and becoming experts in our children is better than trying to say that I am the parent expert.
Samantha Spittle 10:54
Right? Yeah. And even recognizing even being the expert in our kids, I think that is recognizing that we are not like they're the expert in themselves, like they know themselves. And so by us, giving them the tools, and whether it's therapists or you know, other adults, safe adults and things like that, a team of people, you know, so that the kids aren't on their own.
Eileen Grimes 11:21
Yeah, and the way that I'm looking at this, so what my daughter asked, she was like, Can I see? Can I? She called so I have I have Kathy is mine. She's like, Can I have a Kathy she wants a therapist, like she wants someone to talk to you. And the way that I'm looking at all of this is like they're we are our own little islands, right? We are our own little islands. And I want to teach them how to build bridges between all these different islands, because, you know, if they can only ever access mine, what happens when I'm not there? What you know, because eventually that's going to happen? How do they learn how to build bridges between these other islands, so that they can come off and connect with other people and learn about each other and, and have a way to share of themselves who they are in this world. And building those gives them so much more freedom and access to the rest of life.
Samantha Spittle 12:13
That is beautiful. So I love the idea of building bridges, building bridges. And since we already talked about one movie, we can throw in inside out as well, right? Because she has all the different islands. I know. It's funny, we these movies, I'm like, Yeah, we need to have a whole other Oh, yeah. But setting them up for as much success as possible. And that building the bridges to share, you know, with each other with others, because I think that starts at home. Because if there's no connection, I use the word intimacy in another conversation. And when that was first brought up to me, of course, it brought up like romantic intimacy and sure into squashing that just emotional intimacy. And it's where there's actually that vulnerability and authenticity, between and it's that that's something that I think if we can foster that with our kids, and show them that healthy connection with other people, then they can have that with other people. And, you know, hopefully, we're still you and I both been moms of young kids. But wanting that, so that they can build healthy relationships with people, you know, kind of starts at home. So that all being said, How did you get to here? You know, I know we've you and I talked a little bit before, but of course, I think all of us it's like spoiler alert, we all are passionate about the things that we need, or, you know, desire is totally that. So how did you get to this point of really wanting to, you know, jump into this world of being an author and an entrepreneur to, you know, as a mom to get? Yeah,
Eileen Grimes 13:43
no, it's a great question. And so I am a middle child of six. Which is, yeah, all the things they say about middle children. Totally true. You're there, I'm, I'm there. Number three, wanting to be seen wanting to be special, but also learning this, this. I mean, it's a skill set. Now for sure. I use it in a lot of things that I do, but like this whole mediating between people and trying to be perfect and trying to not rock the boat and sort of hiding of who I was so that I didn't cause too many waves for my parents to have to deal with. Right. And it's taken me years and years to to find my way back to myself. And, and, you know, there's there's back to movies again. I love the movie. Runaway Bride? I think it was with Julia Roberts with the eggs. Yes.
Samantha Spittle 14:46
Exactly. Right. So she she's like,
Eileen Grimes 14:49
I don't even know what kind of eggs I like. And that's how I felt, you know, with my life in general. before I had kids and I was like, I don't I don't know what that means. I don't know what kind of eggs, I like I I've done what I'm supposed to do. And I've checked the boxes. And some of that too. For me growing up was, you know, I hid all the things that were hurtful. And I experienced intimate partner violence that I didn't share with anybody. I experienced sexual violence like I've, I've gone through some really difficult traumas that I was like, Well, if I share this, it's going to cause this right. It's, it's, I don't have a space where I can say, or feel like I can tell someone about this or should say anything, because then I'll rock the boat. Yeah. And I knew like, so when I had my son, I had my firstborn. And I just remember, honestly, looking into his eyes, the moment he was born, like, I looked into his eyes and just thought, like, I I can't let this be your story. You know, I? Are we all going to go through hard stuff? For sure. Yes, life. And I don't plan on you know, trying to bubble wrap him or anything. But if I can at least provide him a space that he can come to, and have open arms to say, no matter what happens in life, I am here for you. Like, that's the bridge I am, I am your bridge to come down to. And that wasn't a book yet. Yeah, but that was just it was I know, it was, it was just the feeling that I had with him. And it was always funny. Like, when I when I think back on that, too, I was like, there's never going to be enough time for me to really fully show you how much I want to be here in this for you. And, and then it had my daughter. And then I started something like we do a lot of art and things together. It's just like a part of how we relate and talk. And I actually started the journal sort of before in 2018, just as some stuff that we would do together. And then 2020.
Samantha Spittle 17:03
And we had a pandemic, pandemic. Well, I just want to take a minute just to acknowledge, thank you for sharing all that. Because that's such heavy stuff. And I know that, you know, when we've gone through heavy things and talk about them, sometimes we it's like, we can just, you know, it's part of our story. But I just want to, you know, take a second to acknowledge that, and I'm, you know, I'm sorry for that pain. And just the strength, though, have you been able, though, to look back on it, and to change the narrative in your family? I mean, that to me, I think that's something that I think is we lean into this more, you know, you know, for my platform and just connecting with people, I think that is becoming a reoccurring message. And that's why it had touched me so much, because it's so I just don't think it's talked about enough because it's this, this is what worked for me. And so we're just gonna keep on keeping on. But as you know, I'm, it's not working for me, you know, it's the cycle breaker. So I just wanted to acknowledge that because that's a lot. And, you know, it's a lot.
Eileen Grimes 18:08
I want to jump in real quickly. And I don't mean to skim over it in the sense that I'm trying to ignore the pain right there. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, there absolutely is in I have worked and done my work in that space. And I have done some healing there. And there are still scars and yeah, and that exists. I don't mean to make it Oh, yeah. Small point.
Samantha Spittle 18:31
Oh, no, not at all. And I didn't take it that way. I, I, I was coming from the place of I knew because you could talk about it like yeah, that's what I assumed is that you know, you could the other part of that too,
Eileen Grimes 18:43
is that I think so much of it doesn't get talked about a lot of times it's behind closed doors in it's not you know, I know that Brene Brown thing is like vulnerability is not just spewing all your stuff out. Yeah. And at the same time, there is sharing of these stories that happen in a way to say you are not alone. I am not trying to air the grievances of past to to blame anyone or to you know, get do the look at me Look at me kind of thing. But it's like, I guarantee you there's someone else who has also had a story who has also experienced and like me to say this right now is to say you're not alone. And there's this really just I can't remember the quote exactly how it is but there's I love the visual of it, but this like woman coming out from the fire carrying buckets, right? And it's like, that's what I want to be that person that that I am and I've experienced the fire and I want to say that I'm here for you. Right, be it my children and or whoever else that I can help serve. So that's honestly that's my goal. So yeah, so I mean, so just kind of back to it. But like that, yeah, going into 2020. And, you know, I work in tech also. And it's great. And it pays the bills and everything. But I went through this whole exercise where I was like, What am I doing in life? Like what? Yeah. Oh, my goodness, what is happening? What, what does this mean? And I actually sat down and wrote my eulogy. And sort of the, I don't know, phase one of the pandemic or whatever that looks like. And like, I'm like, if I, if I were to have died this day, what would be said about me? Or what could have been said about me? Right, and, and then I wrote a second version, I was like, What do I want to be said about me? And so then went on a whole big journey of like, redefining what success meant in my life? And how do I, what does that mean, from an impact I want to have on the world? What does that mean, from the time that I have? Like, where do I want that to go? And going through that, I was like, Oh, my gosh, I want to change the world to make it a better, more loving place for my kids. And as I started this journal, you know, a couple years ago, this is it. Like, that's the thing that I need to get out and share and help other families connect? And, like, look, the thing I will say, we're not a perfect family. But you know what, I just want to put that out there. Yeah, right. Um, but like, we're learning each other, and we're experiencing each other in our hearts and, and what that means on a daily basis. And my goodness, this morning was a huge disaster going to daycare. But like, we eventually talked through it, and you know, my daughter was really tired this morning, and she was sad. And like, we got to those points together. And yeah, I was just like, how do I share this with the world in a way that we can start these conversations? And then, I mean, all of 2020 happen, and, and, you know, just being pulled apart from each other physically, from from, you know, just being quarantined and things like that. And then ideologies are pulling people apart. And, you know, I'm like, how do I, how do I do this? And coming through with this book? And now this whole concept, right, and I'm actually looking to put a podcast together soon. Yeah,
Samantha Spittle 22:43
we'd help you if you need help.
Eileen Grimes 22:44
I will. Yeah, and so there will, there's kind of two versions of it. One of them I want to do is a kind of helpful, good night thing for parents. But also for kids who might not have loving parents were adults in their lives, to kind of have something that helps them go to sleep at night and just be heard. That's due to so that's one of the things but then yeah, and then actually having I'd love to have some conversations together to help people start having conversations and talking to each other. So anyway, with all that being said, the book is now out the S journal. And it made its way out into the world November of last year 2021. And I mean, I'm just getting feedback from people because they were like, I don't get it. What What do you mean? Like, what is this? And then when they get it in their hands? I mean, I've just had people. My child is asking to do this with me every night. Which is, I mean, you know, there's, sometimes we as parents, like, oh, my gosh, another thing I have to remember another thing I have to do, and how long does it take? But what's being what's amazing is that these kids are now asking their parents to do the work with them. Right? It's very intentional one on one time together, where they're getting to know each other, and it's just such an amazing, beautiful thing that I've seen, and that's what I want to do for the world. This three, the three words that I mean, I love or tell me more.
Samantha Spittle 24:20
Tell me more. Oh, I love that anymore.
Eileen Grimes 24:22
Yep. So it's not. It doesn't take a lot. And it allows you to Yeah, exactly. Tell me more right in your hands.
Samantha Spittle 24:32
My other one is be cool. That's my friends. And we're talking about be cool with majors, whatever they're saying, you just be cool. Be cool, right? Be cool. So tell me more and then
Eileen Grimes 24:44
tell me more. Yeah, tell me more. And, and that's something I'm learning as a teacher to write like, asking these open ended questions to not try to guide it in any specific way. Because again, it's the whole control piece that we have in our brains and like okay, Well, if they said this, they must absolutely think this. Right. And I mean, gosh, for me that, you know, some of that was when they first started approaching some of the sex conversations even as young kids Yes. From watching Animal Videos, right? It was like, yes. How, you know, my stuff. least ask stuff from you know, seeing something about salmon spawning, right? And like, oh, well, what, you know what, tell me more? What are you thinking about that? And so they'd ask the question, then I'm like, oh, oh, you wanted to do this? Not
Samantha Spittle 25:33
there. There's like some story, I'm sure, like, back in the day, when you forwarded emails, where it was like, the kid asked about sex, and the parent went into this whole, you know, description with every single detail. And then their kid was like, it says, male or female. So which one? Which 1am I. And so like that that story periodically? Is my head, like, you need to ask questions, because I love what you said about the control, like, yeah, where we think it's going. And I think as parents, we want to guide and, and direct it and forgetting that, like, we need to get on their page first.
Eileen Grimes 26:10
And so just I mean, there's a freedom in that too, where it's like, I'm not having to think five steps ahead. And if I can let go of some of that, one, it relieves the stress for me of like, this has to go this specific way. It has to be about this. It has to be it always has to be a lesson learned. It always has to be this. And it doesn't, it doesn't necessarily if we get curious about our kids, and we ask them, you know what, what makes you think that? Or how, how? How did you get there, or, you know, just tell me more about that. I think that part of it opens up this door of allowing us to be true listeners in the conversation, rather than having to feel like we're owning and controlling everything within that. And it just feels like so much less stress.
Samantha Spittle 27:01
And I think that is huge. What you just said, I feel like parents listening just to really marinate on that. Because I think is I think it's more common because I feel like it's not something talked about, but as soon as you said that, I thought, I think that's like parenting parenting feels like, you have to have all the answers, and you have to guide them. And it's our job to nurture and you know, if we don't raise them who will and all this stuff. And it's like, you know, your kids can tell when you're trying to lead them down a path, you know, like, and so, yeah, I just think that's so caught. I mean, at least for me, once again, I can't speak for everyone, but I just have a feeling that a lot of us carry that pressure. So
Eileen Grimes 27:46
yeah. And then the other piece too, for me is along these control lines is like, I don't know about you. But I when I first started I was like, I'm the disciplinarian. I am the strong I am like all of the things. This has to be an order this has to do this. Recently, we've been like my recommendation is be silly. Also be silly. Like, release some of that control sometimes. And be silly. Have fun. Like, one of my favorite things right now. Is it at bedtime? When I'm doing bedtime with the kids? We have joke time. That's awesome. So yeah, I've been teaching them the art of telling jokes. So they're, I mean, you know, when we first started, they didn't really make sense. And they, they understood there was like, whoa, okay, there's like sort of an equation for this, and how do we do this, but it's just been so much fun to see their creativity at work. They know mom can be there, it doesn't always have to be a serious conversation. Because we can also relax around each other we there's just that feeling of relaxing and releasing, lowers your stress hormones and, and feeling comfortable with our parents is such a big thing to do. And so being silly together, whether it's you know, tossing a balloon in the air and trying to keep it up, or, you know, my daughter loves like fart jokes and stuff right now. So that's just we're
Samantha Spittle 29:12
always down for good fortune. Oh, wait.
Eileen Grimes 29:15
They're finding their joy, right? They're finding the moments that they get joy. And there's something really special about that, because we I just crushed as a grownup as an adult, like, oh, where is the joy? Wow, why do we have to suck it dry from them when they're experiencing these little things? Whether it be a fart joke, or you know, a show that I'm like, There's no words, why are you Why do you like this so much, you know, but they do and to to try to mute the experience of joy in their lives. I mean, I want to amplify that more. Right? And if they know the things that help turn them on To that joy, then all the better. Yeah, as I say, we can watch academic programs some other time to, like, know what i Yes, boundaries are great. Also, they're not going to watch us 24/7. And it's okay to have joy.
Samantha Spittle 30:15
Yes, yes. And I think with teenagers too, it's so important, you know, to, I remember getting that advice, you know, when the kids are young, if they are into like Pokemon and Minecraft, you listen to them. And I think, you know, goes, it's something that I'm kind of trying to just remember as they get older, you know, to find the joy and the things they did, because that's, and then my mom, she was I give her so much credit. Because in high school, my brother was in college, my dad was always gone, like Monday to Friday, so it was just the two of us. And she watched all those teenage shows with me, Dawson's Creek, Gilmore Girls. Now, you know, but like, as well, for the old school web folks, you know, all those show, and I look back and I'm like, Oh my gosh, as the kids say, cringy. Now, because it's kind of rough, because they're like teenagers that are living like they're 20 Somethings. And she kind of sat there and criticized it. But we watched it together. And like when I went off to college, she taped it with the VCR because that's my age. And so when I would come home, we would watch the shows together. And like said, I didn't really think much of it. And now looking back, I'm like, dang, that was like quality time. And, too, she could have totally, like, now I watch it, and I rip it apart. And I'm younger than she was when it was on. And so I'm like, dang, I did not realize that, you know, I think, you know, just a way to connect and to do something together. So,
Eileen Grimes 31:43
exactly. And that's, I mean, that's part of it too, right? Is that, that holding up space for each other. And whether it's your child or a spouse or a friend, like we we connect when they share things together. And and having that time to say, I can sit with you in this without my phone. And look, I'm not telling you to sit for two hours watching something but but they know they like I talked to my son the other day. And I was like, how do you know when? You know, like, are we talking about? Like, what does it look like when mom's really like engaged and playing and here with you. And he's like, you don't have your phone. They know. They know even if it's not like, even if I'm not looking at it, that I don't have my phone with me. He knows. Yeah, and so just sitting there with him is when he knows that I am. I'm with him in the moment. And that can lead to I mean, this summer, there was a moment we were sitting watching one of his shows. And he told me that there were kids that were bullying him at camp, and it just came in this moment of like, holding this space together, where he felt comfortable knew I was there present with him, for him to feel comfortable about opening up about this thing that was happening with him. So you know, just and I'm not saying that happens every time. Right? Yeah, might be silent, or it might be quiet. But you know, we're on the same kind of eye level. And that was one of the things I was taught when we were you know, for during my master's in education was like, get on kids eye level when you're talking with them, because it lowers the thought of aggression, right? If you're above, then you're being looked at like you're an aggressive figure. So if you're on eye level with them, it actually decreases that and allows them to feel more comfortable. So, you know, if I was teaching, I would kneel down when I was talking to students at their desk and things like that. So just a little tidbit.
Samantha Spittle 33:49
Yeah, well, I was just thinking, you know, so many kids opened up in time. You know, that's the time when parents were usually done. And that's, you know, when kids want to talk and I've a friend, you know, she said that the teenagers it gets later and later, you know, they start coming in your room. And I just thought, man, if you're like laying together at night, your eye level. And so that's really big. Something I want to point out that you said that once again, another huge thing you said you asked him how he knows you're fully engaged, which means you were prepared to be criticized. So that's huge. So
Eileen Grimes 34:22
I think some of that, so I grew up my both my parents were teachers. So that's probably part of it, where they were constantly asking us questions, and it was like, what is it? I have a growth mindset, right? It's like how can I continue to improve or, or do better or, or learn something new? And for me, those are opportunities to learn. And that's why I mean, even in the journal right, there are times when I ask like, as the parent one of the parent things is like, when you're sad, I do this, does that help? Right? And so it's like my, this is the work that I'm doing is that be helpful for you. Is that Is that something you like? And, and getting that feedback and understanding just gets us on a better page. And so I, I want to know if it's not working for him, right, like they're gonna push back. It's like No Mom, don't give me any rules don't give me any time like that's not that's
Samantha Spittle 35:17
Yeah source Yeah, yeah, yeah no totally Yep. But that's the thing though I think that that's something that we as parents, it's it sounds all well and good like this journal and we want to connect with our kids. And because it's not a but it's totally an and it's like, it's I love how you said the growth mindset, it's oh yes, remind yourself that we are in a growth mindset together, that we are doing this to better and so that when things come up that yes, this is working, or this isn't it's not a personal attack on us. That's why we have to get our stuff together. So we're not projecting our own insecurities, or you Oh, my gosh, Mike, you know, trying to be the perfect mom, and by them telling me I'm not meeting their needs, it's exposing that I'm not perfect. I mean, that's why we have to do our own work, so that we can do it. But I really liked that, framing it in that growth mindset. And that's the thing, I think when you have that safe environment, where they feel like they can tell you what they need, instead of always having to be not rocking the boat. You know, like we said in the beginning, just kind of, I can't tell you what I what works or doesn't work. And, and that's something too I've been trying to work on to is like letting them figure out what kind of
Eileen Grimes 36:28
exactly I love that metaphor if there's just so there's something really amazing about that, right? And, yeah, and what better way to teach them that and help them understand that for future relationships, right? If they're like, if I'm telling you, you have to do this, because I'm doing this and I'll think how does that prepare you for a relationship with anyone else in the future, then you either are going to fight against the future relationships, when anyone else tries to tell you what to do, or you won't speak up for yourself and like giving you the ability to say what's working, what's not gives you some of that flow of like, you know what, that does really hurt my feelings. If you say something along those lines, or, or No, I don't feel comfortable when you rub my hair when I'm feeling sick, right? Like, yeah, there, there are ways in which we're helping prepare them for future relationships by giving them the ability to say I'm a part of this relationship as well.
Samantha Spittle 37:33
I'm clapping my hands. For those that can't hear. I've just like, yes, thank you, thank you for those reminders and,
Eileen Grimes 37:39
and respecting boundaries, right? Parenting is about setting boundaries, and other people are going to have boundaries to theirs. There's nothing wrong, I'm not telling anyone to not have boundaries. I don't I don't mean that in any way, shape or form, it is important to have those for our children, and for them to set them for us to and learn what that is. And that is in having these back and forth conversations. And then the other part, for me, at least is I mean, creating together as like a whole thing. But in sharing our experience and letting our kids know that we're also human. I know we kind of touched on that a little bit. But I don't know is actually extremely powerful for them to hear. right to say, You know what, I don't have an answer for that. And either we need to work through that together to figure out what a good solution is going to be. I don't know about you. But I feel like parenting for me is a constant like, Oh, what do I do in this moment? I'm just going to breathe for a second and figure out what to do next. I thought my parents knew everything. And they didn't.
Samantha Spittle 38:46
Yes, yes, that's adulthood. I think you reach adulthood when you realize that everyone else is just learning as they go. And the people who think I get the older I get the more afraid I get of people who think they have it all figured out. When I encounter that it is i
Eileen Grimes 39:04
It really is, but But sharing of that of like one I don't know, or I've been through that too. So, you know, when we when I talked to my son about the bullying thing I shared with him my experience of what that looked like and felt like when I had moved from living in Colorado to Washington and the kids were not kind to me when we moved in it was like, to me that and you know, giving him that emotional intelligence language as like, that made me sad and scared and I felt lonely and and really in pain from hearing those words and in my body that, you know, felt like this pit in my stomach and you know, so just giving giving some words to what those feelings can be and allowing them to start really working on some of the empathy side of things, right. It's like, oh, other people have experiences and perspectives outside I have my own. And that's what this can look like. And being able to share that from from a loving space gives them the time to hear that that other people are really seeing and experiencing life just as much as they are.
Samantha Spittle 40:13
Eileen, thank you so much. I love how you in the beginning talked about building the bridges. And I feel like you took us kind of through that, how we can pass that on to our kids. And so, of course, I know that parents, of course, should get your journal. Do they have other ways that they can reach you or resources that you have?
Eileen Grimes 40:33
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm on. I have my own website. So www dot loved as you are.co not calm dot C, O. And then I'm also on Instagram, so loved as you are CEO, on there, and I hit up Twitter every once in a while just Eileen M Grimes. But you know, I'd love to hear from anyone that's using the journal what that's like, and you know, I really, truly just want to change this world, one loving connection at a time. That's, that's my goal. And yes, selling books is great. But it also means that each person that gets one has the opportunity to learn and love and see their children fully and completely.
Samantha Spittle 41:17
I love that. And what I love about your tool, your book, your tool is that so often, you know, just my podcast, for example. So this episode will will be you know, late 80s 90, you know, Episode 90 or something. So, I love it. I love talking to people, all this wisdom, and I leave these conversations like yes, this is amazing. And that I get up and I have something waiting for me and, and all this stuff that I just sat here and was like, Oh my gosh, this is so good. And so I think the same thing when you listen to stuff, you know, you think is so good. But then life happens. And I think having something to do together. And so you know, of course encourage people, like even if you don't get the book right now, like you gave great tips on how to talk to our kids and how to ask questions. And I think just those are the powerful things we can jot down and start doing and you know, once we add those things into our day in our routine, you know, kind of create those rhythms, if you will, you know, to have that space and to start you know, building those bridges so it's not just a one off you know, conversation so I really appreciate like said you're you sharing your heart, but also pursuing it taking it a step further and, and and doing something to help families. So thank you. It's been
Eileen Grimes 42:33
wonderful.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai