Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
If reconciliation is always the hope of forgiveness how do we start that conversation?
Supplemental Content:
The response to this series was very encouraging. It was amazing to see people in the community and online interact with the material and share stories of struggle and forgiveness in their lives. Out of those stories a number of questions emerged and so we've decided to put together some additional content to address ideas that weren't touched on fully in the series.
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
All right. One of the things that we talked about in this series was boundaries. That sometimes when someone is unhealthy or they're toxic, even though you forgive them, there still needs to be this separation and this boundary there. At the same time, I think the goal is always reconciliation. We are restored in our relationship with God and our hope is that through forgiveness we can always be restored, sometimes even in the most broken relationships that we have in our life.
Speaker 1:So that's what we're hoping for. And so one of the questions that people wrestle with is, okay, well what happens when I am ready? I have forgiven someone and I'm ready to reengage that relationship. Like how do I practically go about making that happen? And I got a couple things that I think are helpful when you find yourself at that place.
Speaker 1:You've forgiven. You're ready to move forward in the relationship. How do you begin a process of restoring or reconciling? The first thing is this. You really want to make sure you've done your homework.
Speaker 1:And what I mean by that is this. Is to sit down with as clear a head as possible and ask yourself, have you honestly forgiven this person? Because here's the thing. If if you think that you've forgiven, but somewhere in the back of your mind what you're still looking for is an apology or you're looking for them to own it. That's language we used in this series.
Speaker 1:Then I think what's going to happen is as you enter into that reconciliation process, people are going to realize they're going to pick up on the fact that you're looking for something particular from them and you want to be able to go in saying listen I really have moved past the past. Now there might need to be some change for the reconciliation to happen, but you want to be able to go into it not looking for anything back from them. You want to reach out to them and say this is where I'm at. And so I think it's really important if you want to be reconciled to someone, if you want to initiate that conversation, you need to take the time to sit down and say have you really moved past? Is it really behind you?
Speaker 1:Are you really ready to begin from here forward? Not digging up the past again. Second thing is this. Is to ask yourself, is this a good conversation for the other person? Now you may not be in their life because of the falling out you've had.
Speaker 1:And I get that. But from the best of your vantage point, from the best of your ability, you want to think through is bringing this up, is opening this conversation going to be good and healing and healthy for them. Perhaps you're in a situation where you've injured somebody and you've taken responsibility for that. You've forgiven them for their part and you're ready to move forward. But you know that they are still healing from those old wounds.
Speaker 1:It may not be appropriate for you to reach out to them and try to reconcile that relationship right now. Now you can reach out in gentle ways and note to say, hey listen I'm very sorry to take responsibility for your actions. But to to ambush them, to show up at their place, to invite them out for coffee, that may not be appropriate right now. Because if you want to reconcile, then you want to come at it from the posture of what's best for the relationship, what's best for this person that I want to show that I love. And sometimes that means actually giving them their space.
Speaker 1:You needed your space. They need theirs. And just because you've come to a place of being ready, that doesn't necessarily mean they have. Because each of our experience of pain is subjective. And so our process is going to be very personal.
Speaker 1:So do your best to think through, are they ready for this? The last thing I would say is this, is if you work through those two things, you've really done your homework, as best as you can understand this is going be good and healing for the other person. What I would suggest is when you reach out and you initiate that conversation, do it as much as possible in a forward facing posture. This is what I mean by that reach out to them and say listen, I know there's been old hurts and I have moved past those. I've set them down.
Speaker 1:I've forgiven. I've taken responsibility for my own thing, but I want to see if there's an openness from you to begin and start new and move forward in a healthy way. Now what's going to happen is if there's an openness to that and the relationship is going to be reconciled and restored, there will be a cycling back and you will return back and you will process the past together. But I think if you reach out to someone and you say, Listen, want to get together and want to dig up old wounds and want to talk about them, that can be a very intimidating conversation. And so I think sometimes when we start by saying, hey listen, I've done my homework and I've taken responsibility.
Speaker 1:I've forgiven you. I want to move forward. That invites the conversation from a different spot that might be less threatening and it might be more welcoming to that person. Now again, of course you're going to cycle back. Of course you're going to talk about those things in due time.
Speaker 1:But begin with that forward posture. This is where I want our relationship to go, not that I'm intent on talking about our relationship and where it was. Because again, we talked in this series that that your past choices are sometimes the least interesting part about you. It's your next choice. It's the choice in front of you that's the most interesting.
Speaker 1:And that goes for your relationships. There are relationships that have been deeply injured in the past. But what makes them interesting is the fact that those two people are willing to make new choices going forward. So start there. Start with that kind of open welcoming posture of can we move forward together.
Speaker 1:And then allow that person to respond. And if they're not ready, then you back off and you say, hey, I understand that and I honor that for you. But when you're ready, I'm ready. Let's talk.