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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 25, The Stages. Chapter 25, The Stages. As I look back upon my life growing up without a father, I can see now the different stages of my father wound journey. No two stages were the same, and some were harder than others, but all of them were necessary to turn me into the man that I am today. In fact, I am still a work in progress as new experiences and situations always seem to give me new opportunities to allow my father wound to redefine me.
Speaker 1:In fact, I am still a work in progress as new experiences and situations always seem to give me new opportunities. In fact, I am still a work in progress as new experiences and situations always seem to give me new opportunities to allow my father wound to refine me. I remember absorbing the stares and the feelings of embarrassment I had walking into school as a 12 year old the day after my father left. I remember in college being overwhelmed with jealousy and anger at my friend when his dad bought him a new car. I remember as an adult, a mentor introducing me to his friends and the shame that overcame me when he called me fatherless.
Speaker 1:I remember. I never want my father wound to define me. I never want it to disqualify me or become my identity. Instead, I view my situation as my very own unique journey with its own obstacles and challenges. This is the journey that I'm on for a reason that I will never know.
Speaker 1:The good news is that the Lord can use this obstacle to make me look more like Him, which is indeed the greatest gift he can ever give me. I believe James is right when he says, consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. James one two through four. The hard things in life really do turn you into the mature believer that we all want to be if you let it.
Speaker 1:We all have things in life that can be considered a challenge or an obstacle. My mentor Steve Allen has ALS, better known as Lou Gehrig's disease. It's left him without the ability to do the basic things that people do. That's his mountain to climb. I have friends who deal with alcoholism, financial issues, and job insecurity.
Speaker 1:I have others who have spent months in the hospital watching their child suffer through sickness. Hurts happen. Families go through loss and pain. The older I get, the more I realize that this world truly is a broken place. The statement, in this world, you will have trouble, found in John sixteen thirty three, gets more real day by day.
Speaker 1:No one has it easy. This thing called life gets the best of all of us from time to time. But this is my journey, the obstacle that I must overcome. And on this journey, I have found that one must go through certain stages to make progress on the trick. If you are going through your own journey or possibly guiding someone through their own, here are a few stages that you can be on the lookout for.
Speaker 1:Whether you have gone through these stages already or will be approaching them soon, I pray they are helpful for you as you continue ahead. Stage number one, the curiosity stage. Don Tope is a legend in the eyes of me and my high school friends. The mere mention of the word Don will make us all smile and respond with a story or two. That's because Don was the only example of a that's because Don was the only example of a father to our entire friend group.
Speaker 1:Don would take us camping, grill steaks, and fill us up with encouragement every time we saw him. He worked on cars, snuck a cigar every so often, and had a goatee. He was a man's man, and we all looked up to him. And while I am thankful and while I am beyond thankful for the Don's role in my life, his fatherly presence always made me ask a few questions in the back of my mind. I wonder why I don't have a father around.
Speaker 1:Was it my fault? Why doesn't my dad want to be around me? Why am I different from all the other kids? This is the curiosity stage, the stage in which a child begins to come up with his own narrative as to why his dad is not around. Most of the time, the disappearance of a child's father is shrouded in mystery.
Speaker 1:That's understandable as I wasn't ready to hear all the details from my parents' divorce. But the enemy can use the cloak of mystery to cloud my thinking with a lot of lies as to why my dad isn't around anymore. This is a prime time for Satan to start lying, often in the form of a question. He finds a vulnerable child without a dad around, and he starts bombarding the kid with lies, lies that oftentimes make the child believe that the absence of the father was somehow related to something he did. It was his fault.
Speaker 1:He's to blame, and that's never a good thing. The feeling of fault can lead us to the next stage of the father wound journey. Stage number two, the high emotion stage. Forget him. I don't want anything to do with that guy.
Speaker 1:The feeling of abandonment and the weight that it was him. I don't want anything to do with that guy. The feeling of abandonment and the weight that it was probably somehow your fault mixed with the strong feelings of adolescence can produce what we like to call the anger, apathy, or prove it stage of the father wound journey. It is in this stage, which typically begins during adolescence, where the following phrases may be uttered. I hate my father, and I'm glad he's not around.
Speaker 1:I don't have anything to offer. So what's I don't have anything to offer. So what use is it to try? My father doesn't care about me. I doubt anyone truly does.
Speaker 1:I'm going to prove to father that I'm gonna prove to people that I'm a manly man. Let me break down how anger, apathy, and the need to prove myself played out in my life. The anger produced by the anger produced by my relationship with my father kept me from talking to him consistently for over a decade. My anger not only negatively impacted me, but those that were closest to me as they often got the brunt of my outburst. The feeling of insecurity and fear led me to hide in apathy for a lot of my teenage years.
Speaker 1:I didn't go to prom because why would anyone want to date me? At times, I didn't try out for sports or pursue my interests because I knew that I would fail. There's no use in taking risks when you know how it's gonna turn out. To prove that I had what it took to succeed turned out to be a very dangerous endeavor for me. Whether it was drinking a near toxic level of alcohol to show my friends I was a real man or almost getting into fights to prove my toughness, I simply thought I had to do incredibly stupid things to get people to respect me, like me, and keep me around.
Speaker 1:This stage taught me how to suppress my emotions and pretend like all was okay. It also produced many times when those suppressed emotions exploded and created a lot of chaos in my life. The bad news about this stage is the fact that you can stay here for a long time. It will not go away until you decide it's time to change, And usually, that is one rough wake up call. Whether it is living life in the fast lane, handling emotional blowups, or hiding in your room, it's only a matter of time before you look yourself in the mirror and say, I'm not sure I like this person.
Speaker 1:There has got to be more to life than this. This realization can lead us into the next stage. Stage number three, the desire stage. Sometimes there is a moment in a person's life that causes them to make drastic changes. For me, it was when I had tried absolutely everything to make me happy, and nothing did the trick.
Speaker 1:For one of my friends, it was a car wreck that almost took his life. For another, it was almost missing the birth of his son because he refused to cancel a work meeting that could have gotten him the deal of his life. Whatever the reason, there are times when you seem to wake up and say, something has to change. Enter the desire stage. Enter the desire stage.
Speaker 1:It is at this stage you may say, I'm done flying solo. I wanna learn everything it takes to be a godly, positive man by surrounding to and building relationships with older father figures. I don't want what happened to me to happen to my kids. Something has to change, and that change starts with me. I want to be the best husband and father I can be.
Speaker 1:I want to be like other healthy people and become what I never had. This stage This stage is one of the more exciting stages because for some, you see someone realizing that change is possible, maybe for the first time in their entire life. Change can happen quickly as they learn a few key lessons that can accelerate the healing process. First off, they start to see the impact of who they hang out with. The decision to start surrounding themselves with godly people who encourage them to be the best version of themselves starts to pay dividends.
Speaker 1:Next, they get the courage to ask an older man to mentor them, disciple them, or invest in their life. They soak up all that they learn, maybe because they are starting to see some fruit from their labor. It's almost like a light bulb goes off as they realize, if I just do what these mentors say it's almost like a light bulb goes off as they realize, if I just follow what these mentors say and do what the Bible tells me to do, things tend to go better. Lastly, they grow a self starter mentality, breaking free of the bondage of apathy and insecurity. Sure, you still fall down, but you are quick to get back up and you do not quit.
Speaker 1:The foundation of a transformed life starts to form as they embrace the humility to heed advice and the courage to take action. People start to say there's something different about them, and they've changed for the better. This is the beginning of something good. But like most difficult journeys, just when you thought it was getting easy, you encounter the hardest hell yet. Stage number four, the forgiveness stage.
Speaker 1:Stage number four, the forgiveness stage. While we've looked at this topic in detail elsewhere, it's worth mentioning here again briefly. There's no going around the wound that was produced by your father. You must go right through it. Forgiving your father may very well be one of the most difficult things you will ever experience, but the freedom it produces is very much worth it.
Speaker 1:The beginning of this stage can sound something like, I wanna get rid of this anger in my heart. I wanna wanna get rid of the anger in my heart. I wanna be obedient to God and trust his ways better. I realize forgiveness is more about me than it is about my father. That's when the practical steps come into play.
Speaker 1:First, you recruit a shepherd to guide you through this. This is someone who you can trust and who can encourage you to keep going when the going gets tough. This person can also help you with the next step, identifying the ways his hurt is limiting or harming you. This will almost always cause certain emotions to pop up, and we must deal with those in a safe and effective way. Doing that requires that we muster up the courage to deal with the past hurts and disappointments.
Speaker 1:True forgiveness always follows this pattern. True forgiveness almost always follows this pattern. Desire to forgive comes first. Words of forgiveness come second. Truly forgiving with your whole heart is the last step.
Speaker 1:All three of these actions must be completed in order to achieve lasting change. If possible, meet in person to voice forgiveness. Phone calls and letters work as well if a meeting isn't an option. This stage is almost always the most difficult, but once it is finished, it should catapult you into the last stage, which also happens to be the most exciting stage. Stage number five, the identity stage.
Speaker 1:The last stage is where you say, I want to learn how to be a son of God and come to accept the love of a father who will never leave me. I want life and life to the fullest. Sometimes your change is obvious in a onetime event, but for me, it was a slow change. One day, I realized that my temper was almost nonexistent, and I had a whole lot more joy and compassion for others. The patience came slowly as I was able to keep my cool in almost any situation.
Speaker 1:It was easier for me to give grace and forgive others. My wife and my kids said that I was a blessing in their life. My dear Lord, it's happening, I said to myself with a smile on my face. This is hopefully the stage that you will live from for the rest of your days. Of course, there will be some days when you forget who you are and slip back into old thinking patterns.
Speaker 1:I'm not perfect, and I still yell at my kids from time to time. But most days are lived out with my eyes on my heavenly father and advancing his kingdom for his glory. Many days, I have a peace that passes all understanding. The symptoms of this stage include leaving the orphan mindset and adapting a mindset of sonship, The ability to serve others because you are confident the Lord will take care of you. Ability to take risks, ability to take risks, forgive, trust, give, and receive love, etcetera, becoming what you never had, dissolving a generational curse, and creating a generational blessing.
Speaker 1:The stages of your father wound may look very similar to these or they may not. Every person is different, and every stage looks different depending on your story. Some stages may be short, while others may last a long time. In some ways, we are always in some part of each stage. I still think about my childhood and struggle from time to time with apathy and anger.
Speaker 1:I still desire to grow in certain areas, and new experiences bring up new areas for me to forgive. Walking in my identity as a son is an everyday battle. It is my prayer that seeing these stages will give you confidence to know that you are not alone on this journey. My hope is that it gives you the confidence to endure and persevere through whatever the enemy may toss your way. Freedom is near, and I, for one, believe that you can do it.
Speaker 1:Onward. So tell me, what stage do you find yourself in currently? What obstacles have you found on your journey? Can you relate to the quotes used in each stage? If so, please describe how those played out in your life.
Speaker 1:What do you think when you read James one two through four? In what ways have you seen the trials that you have experienced produce opportunities to grow in maturity?