Pick Six Movies: S26E05: Chopping Mall

Show Notes

As we round the bend toward the conclusion os season 26, one we call Domo Arigato, it’s time to hit the food court with Chopping Mall! We’re talking about how 80s this movie truly is, milking bulls, the readily available explosives in this, and vent freak-outs. Join us, won’t you?

00:00:00 – 00:02:12 – Welcome to the Show with Chad

00:02:13 – 00:18:55 – The Story of Malls and the Making of Chopping Mall with Bo

00:18:56 – 01:41:54 – Discussing Chopping Mall

Thanks for listening and be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pandora, iHeartRadio, Podchaser, Google Podcasts, and on Android here.

Catch up with all the old episodes right here!

• (00:00) - Welcome to the Show with Chad
• (02:13) - The Story of Malls and the Making of Chopping Mall with Bo
• (18:56) - Discussing Chopping Mall

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What is The Dark Parade?

The writer of Lost After Dark and podcast host with the most brings The Dark Parade to your town - a horror podcast with many attractions. The show starts when the sun goes down...

Chad: And welcome to Pick Six Movies, the podcast

Chad: where each season, we select six movies all

Chad: related to a single theme, and then on each

Chad: episode we take a look at the people who

Chad: made one of those movies to answer the

Chad: question… Huh?

Chad: Then, on top of that, we give you a full

Chad: review of the movie, from start to finish,

Chad: to see if it's any good, and more often

Chad: than not, the movies we review on this

Chad: podcast are genuinely awful.

Chad: I'm Chad Cooper and, along with my lifelong

Chad: friend and podcast co-host, mr Bo Randstall,

Chad: this season's theme is Domo Arigato,

Chad: featuring six movies where robots are up to

Chad: all manner of unexpected hijinks.

Chad: This is episode 5, and boy do we have a

Chad: doozy of a movie for you with Shopping Mall.

Chad: It's everything you want in an 80's slasher

Chad: movie Young adults stranded alone, this

Chad: time in a shopping mall, with a murderous

Chad: killer.

Chad: This time it's three robots and they stalk

Chad: down the young adults one by one and they

Chad: kill them off until the movie ends.

Chad: And you turn it off and you never think

Chad: twice about it for the rest of your life.

Chad: Doesn't that sound delightful?

Chad: Of course it does.

Chad: But enough of my gibber jabber.

Chad: Let's get Mr Bo Randstall in here to

Chad: explain to us how Shopping Malls destroyed

Chad: the America of yesteryear, only to set the

Chad: stage for this terrifyingly terrible

Chad: slasher film.

Chad: Oh, and there's gratuitous nudity, both

Chad: male and female, and I guess there's robot

Chad: nudity, cause they don't wear clothes.

Chad: Can robots be naked?

Chad: Rosie the robot on the Jetson she wore a

Chad: maid's costume, so I guess if she took it

Chad: off she'd be naked.

Chad: You know what Robots can be naked?

Chad: Listen to me.

Chad: Gibber, jabber on.

Chad: Let's just get Mr Bo Randstall in here to

Chad: talk about Shopping Mall before I prattle

Chad: on a little bit more.

Chad: Bo, do that thing, you do.

Bo: Elizabeth King once wrote If capitalism is

Bo: America's religion, the mall is its church.

Bo: The American urge to consume has been bored

Bo: into us through decades of advertising and

Bo: culture.

Bo: Who doesn't love that feeling when a new

Bo: box from Amazon shows up at your door?

Bo: It's a dopamine hit of satisfaction, a

Bo: release of pleasure on account of you

Bo: having more stuff.

Bo: We got rid of the mall and made the stuff

Bo: come right to us.

Bo: An advancement in consumerism, but not so

Bo: much in the world where malls had a

Bo: different intended purpose.

Bo: See, malls weren't supposed to be just a

Bo: place to go and spend money.

Bo: They were supposed to bring us as a society

Bo: together.

Bo: Cue the music fellas.

Bo: It sounds like an introduction.

Bo: The guy who first devised the idea of the

Bo: American shopping mall wasn't some guy in a

Bo: boardroom eager to put all the things you

Bo: can buy in one handy place.

Bo: Nope, it was a Vienna-born architect by the

Bo: name of Victor Gruen, a socialist of all

Bo: things.

Bo: Gruen had noted that people were fleeing

Bo: urban areas in a wake of industrialization

Bo: and he was worried that these suburban

Bo: spaces where the population was flocking to

Bo: would, in his words, create a quote

Bo: feminized space where the only people who

Bo: could possibly live were women and children,

Bo: on account of there being nothing to do but,

Bo: one presumes, bake and clean the house and

Bo: play in the vast stretches of empty spaces.

Bo: Gruen saw this as a problem of society, a

Bo: need for a place where people could come

Bo: together and share in cultural experiences.

Bo: These buildings, in Gruen's mind, would be

Bo: state-owned facilities where people could

Bo: come and mingle, exchange ideas.

Bo: It was a blast of old-fashioned Greek

Bo: democracy, positioned squarely in suburban

Bo: centers.

Bo: So in the 1950s, just as World War II

Bo: provided another boost to the urban flight

Bo: and a rush to the suburbs, gruen began

Bo: building his shopping malls.

Bo: It was a dream that would become, for Gruen,

Bo: a nightmare.

Bo: By the time the 1960s rolled around, there

Bo: were 4,500 shopping malls littering the

Bo: landscape of the suburbs.

Bo: Their presence on city planning,

Bo: infrastructure and the very economies of

Bo: suburban communities cannot be overstated.

Bo: They became cultural centers, sure, but not

Bo: an exchange of ideas as Gruen hoped.

Bo: They were monuments to capitalism and

Bo: consumerism, a place where one could

Bo: compare one's life against another's and

Bo: buy all the things that would fill the gulf

Bo: between the life you had and the life you

Bo: wanted.

Bo: In a 1986 issue of Consumer Reports, this

Bo: shopping mall, as an invention, was named

Bo: one of the 50 greatest consumer innovations

Bo: in history, right up there with antibiotics

Bo: and personal computers.

Bo: In 1985, a law professor at the University

Bo: of California in Los Angeles penned a

Bo: letter attempting to sway the New York

Bo: Court of Appeals to lift a ban on

Bo: pamphleteering in malls.

Bo: The court decided that this sort of thing

Bo: was disruptive to all the shopping and

Bo: buying and food courting.

Bo: But this professor argued that the mall had

Bo: become essentially a town square and some

Bo: amount of disruption in all that.

Bo: Shopping was important and even necessary

Bo: for the betterment of democracy.

Bo: Gruen would have been proud.

Bo: This was what he wanted all along the mall

Bo: as city center, a place where ideas are

Bo: debated and exchanged.

Bo: But not everything was rosy with the advent

Bo: of malls.

Bo: I mean, it started as a way to subvert the

Bo: feminization of suburban culture, already a

Bo: fairly sexist idea.

Bo: But then came the racism.

Bo: Yeah, you knew that was coming.

Bo: Most of the flight from urban areas to the

Bo: suburbs was from your old pal the Caucasian,

Bo: a phenomena known as white flight.

Bo: So more white people than any other

Bo: demographic were fleeing the city,

Bo: percentage wise.

Bo: And it also helped if you could afford a

Bo: car to get to said mall, which required

Bo: reasonable and steady income, something

Bo: white folks had more than their fair share

Bo: of when compared with other groups,

Bo: especially in the 50s and 60s, and the jobs

Bo: opening up in the suburbs.

Bo: Yep, you needed cars to get to them too,

Bo: and basic access to the malls isn't the

Bo: only thing that was inherently problematic

Bo: when discussing race.

Bo: If someone in the black or Hispanic

Bo: community did manage to make it to a mall,

Bo: they reported high degrees of racial

Bo: profiling by mall security 65% of black

Bo: people and 56% of Hispanic people believed

Bo: that they were profiled when entering

Bo: stores and malls.

Bo: According to a 2004 Gallup poll and if you

Bo: needed more proof, barneys of New York and

Bo: Macy's were so guilty of it an

Bo: investigation was called and both stores

Bo: locations were found to practice high

Bo: degrees of racial profiling in their

Bo: anti-theft practices.

Bo: That could explain why, during the Black

Bo: Lives Matter protests of 2015, the largest

Bo: mall in the country, bloomington,

Bo: minnesota's Mall of America, was chosen as

Bo: a site of a large scale protest, as if to

Bo: say here in this place, we do not feel we

Bo: are being respected or treated with basic

Bo: human dignity.

Bo: But, of course, nothing can last.

Bo: Malls fell victim to the one constant

Bo: change.

Bo: Online shopping hit consumers and consumers

Bo: loved it.

Bo: All the stuff.

Bo: None of the walking and shopping and

Bo: shutter being around other people.

Bo: You can have whatever you want dropped on

Bo: your doorstep and you don't even have to

Bo: look at the person who brought it to you.

Bo: The final nail in Gruen's utopian ideal of

Bo: the mall Get rid of all the interaction and

Bo: leave behind the raw consumerism.

Bo: Between 2008 and 2009, malls posted losses

Bo: of 6.5% in sales.

Bo: And suddenly malls were closing, at least

Bo: 15% of them Giant edifices that once

Bo: contained hundreds or thousands of people

Bo: now empty, some left abandoned so that

Bo: nature herself began its reclamation of the

Bo: spaces.

Bo: By 2022, that number was more like 20-25%

Bo: of all malls in this country were closed.

Bo: These are haunted places, these empty and

Bo: abandoned malls.

Bo: To look at the internet, to see some of the

Bo: images, is like looking at sets from some

Bo: post-apocalyptic film.

Bo: Before he died in 1980, gruen said I am

Bo: often called the father of the shopping

Bo: mall.

Bo: I would like to take this opportunity to

Bo: disclaim paternity once and for all.

Bo: I refuse to pay alimony to those bastard

Bo: developments.

Bo: They destroyed our cities.

Bo: It is perhaps fitting that, in the wake of

Bo: his demise, so too did the mall die.

Bo: And yet there is life in the old girl yet,

Bo: or perhaps a resurrection, as befitting our

Bo: Halloween season.

Bo: Local communities have, in some places,

Bo: bought up the old private malls and turned

Bo: them into communal spaces, places where

Bo: local hospitals have satellite centers or

Bo: community colleges or cultural centers.

Bo: For some of these same communities, for

Bo: whom the traditional mall meant profiling

Bo: and disenfranchisement, there is also the

Bo: rise of the Mall Walker, a punchline shore,

Bo: but also a pretty remarkable thing Elderly

Bo: citizens, who are often left behind in the

Bo: need for community as friends and relatives

Bo: die or lose touch or simply don't want to

Bo: be around creepy old people.

Bo: These elderly citizens can go to these

Bo: mostly abandoned malls where there is maybe

Bo: one anchor store holding on an orange

Bo: Julius and then a whole wing devoted to a

Bo: trade school or something.

Bo: They can walk these malls with others like

Bo: them, people still looking for ways to be

Bo: active and to be social.

Bo: Alexandra Lang, who has studied the rise

Bo: and fall of the mall as an institution,

Bo: says about this phenomena quote the mall in

Bo: its quiet early hours provides affordances.

Bo: Most cities and suburbs cannot Open open

Bo: walkways, consistent weather, bathrooms and

Bo: benches.

Bo: A 2010 study found.

Bo: Quote spatial practice often exceeds the

Bo: conceptions of designers and managers,

Bo: transforming malls into community space.

Bo: This is particularly true in declining

Bo: inner suburbs, where poor and racialized

Bo: communities depend more heavily on malls

Bo: for social reproduction as well as

Bo: recreation and consumption.

Bo: It's just a fancy way to say that the malls

Bo: have become actual places of community.

Bo: Again in keeping with our Halloween season,

Bo: gruen had to invent his monster, watch it

Bo: die and then return as the thing he

Bo: intended all along.

Bo: And given the cultural obsession with malls

Bo: in the 1980s, it's no surprise that someone

Bo: would make a horror movie set inside one.

Bo: Someone would expect the king of B-movies,

Bo: roger Corman, to jump on such a thing, but

Bo: you'd be wrong.

Bo: It was his wife, julie Corman, that hitched

Bo: her wagon to the mall craze.

Bo: Julie Corman had a deal with Vestron

Bo: Pictures, one of the great B-movie studios

Bo: of the 80s, to make a horror movie that

Bo: takes place in a mall.

Bo: She turned to a writer-director inside the

Bo: Roger Corman stable to bring her vision to

Bo: life a guy by the name of Jim Wynorski.

Bo: He talked extensively about Wynorski on the

Bo: episode On Return of the Swamp Thing way

Bo: back in season 5, episode 2.

Bo: A movie Wynorski also directed.

Bo: If you don't recall that one or didn't

Bo: listen to that episode, first of all, shame

Bo: on you.

Bo: The short version is that Wynorski is a

Bo: great, a weirdo, with a penchant for large

Bo: breasts and making everything from cheap

Bo: sci-fi movies to cheap skin flicks.

Bo: He's made a career for himself and that's

Bo: something.

Bo: But make no mistake, jim Wynorski is not

Bo: what you would call an auteur.

Bo: Still, at the time of Chopping Mall's

Bo: inception, wynorski was a go-to guy in the

Bo: Corman world, having written movies like

Bo: Forbidden World and Sorceress and

Bo: Screwballs a porkey's knockoff for Corman

Bo: and he had recently written and directed

Bo: the movie the Lost Empire, which IMDb

Bo: describes thusly seeking revenge Officer

Bo: Angel Wolfe, her Native American friend,

Bo: wide star oh boy, and Outlaw Heather

Bo: infiltrate a fortified island where an

Bo: undead wizard in his evil cult forced

Bo: captured women to take part in gladiatorial

Bo: tournaments.

Bo: So you kinda know what you're getting with

Bo: this guy.

Bo: But he did work fast and on a budget, and

Bo: that goes a long way with Roger Corman and

Bo: Julie.

Bo: Corman pitched the concept to Wynorski who

Bo: said he could write a script on the cheap

Bo: if he'd also be allowed to direct.

Bo: Corman agreed Julie that is and Wynorski

Bo: was off to the races.

Bo: He enlisted the aid of a buddy, steven

Bo: Mitchell, a guy he knew from the horror

Bo: convention circuit.

Bo: The two bonded when they kept running into

Bo: each other at conventions for EC Comics,

Bo: the pre-code horror comics that are truly

Bo: wonders to behold.

Bo: It was Wynorski who said that they all to

Bo: do robots in a mall and went on to say he

Bo: was inspired by a 1954 film called Gog, in

Bo: which malfunctioning robots hunt people in

Bo: an underground base where a space station

Bo: is being built.

Bo: Others are quick to point out that there is

Bo: a made for TV movie from 1973 called

Bo: Trapped, aka Doberman Patrol, a movie that

Bo: is very similar to Choppie Mall, only

Bo: substituted Doberman Pinchers for robots.

Bo: Regardless of how it was inspired, wynorski

Bo: and Steve Mitchell put together a story in

Bo: about 24 hours.

Bo: Julie Corman dug it and passed it along to

Bo: the suits at Vestron and, despite the fact

Bo: that there wasn't, you know, a real script,

Bo: they gave it the green light.

Bo: They did write a script, believe it or not,

Bo: which took another month and change to get

Bo: done.

Bo: And, lest we forget, jim Wynorski is kind

Bo: of a creep.

Bo: So when it came to casting the movie, he

Bo: led his dick, lead the way.

Bo: Dana Kimmel, an actress known at the time

Bo: for Lone Wolf McQuade and who would later

Bo: go on to be in Friday the 13th, part 3, was

Bo: originally cast as the lead, but she quote

Bo: did not want to do anything that was sexual,

Bo: and so she got bounced from the cast.

Bo: Enter Kelly Maroney, who had a huge run as

Bo: a young woman on Ryan's Hope, the old soap

Bo: opera, and then landed the role of Cindy in

Bo: Fast Times at Richmond High.

Bo: She would be best known for cult movies

Bo: like Night of the Comet, chopping Mall and

Bo: Not of this Earth.

Bo: Wynorski wanted to date Maroney and cast

Bo: her because he wanted to get it wet, and

Bo: also Maroney was quote game for anything

Bo: Generic white guy dudes.

Bo: John Toleski and Russell Todd were cast as

Bo: Mike and Rick respectively, and Tony O'Dell,

Bo: aka Jimmy from Karate Kid 1 2, plays Ferdy,

Bo: the nerdy hero of our movie.

Bo: And much love, as usual, to the Queen of B

Bo: movies, barbara Crampton, who was still

Bo: early in her career at this point, but not

Bo: that early.

Bo: She was already the woman who was eaten out

Bo: by that decapitated head and reanimator one

Bo: of the truly shocking moments in film

Bo: history.

Bo: And she would of course go on to be in

Bo: movies and television until this very day.

Bo: She is currently on a run of the Young and

Bo: the Restless, while appearing in indie

Bo: movies all over the place, and is doing

Bo: voice work for video games, recently the

Bo: character of Mom in the zombie co-op

Bo: shooter Back for Blood.

Bo: Is there anything she can't do?

Bo: Oh, and you'll probably recognize some

Bo: character actors in the mix too, like Dick

Bo: Miller and Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff,

Bo: the latter couple featured in the movie

Bo: Eating Raul, a cult movie if ever there was

Bo: one.

Bo: And Dick Miller was not only a Roger Corman

Bo: staple he's been in pretty much every B

Bo: movie worth a damn in the past half century

Bo: or more.

Bo: So the movie was intended to be shot at the

Bo: Beverly Center in Los Angeles, but that

Bo: cost a lot of money and this movie didn't

Bo: have a lot of money.

Bo: So they shot some exteriors there and then

Bo: they filmed all the interiors at the

Bo: Sherman Oaks Galleria, which was also the

Bo: mall used in Fast Times at Richmond High

Bo: and the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie

Bo: Commando For the furniture store.

Bo: The production took over an empty space and

Bo: made their own store, which doubled as

Bo: storage for all the equipment during the

Bo: day when the mall was open.

Bo: The shooting of the movie took about 20

Bo: days and for better or worse, shopping Mall

Bo: was ready to unleash on an unsuspecting

Bo: public.

Bo: Only it wasn't called Shopping Mall at

Bo: first.

Bo: It was called Killbots and it was

Bo: test-marketed to audiences in March of 1986.

Bo: The test screenings went poorly and the

Bo: movie was, part of the expression, chopped

Bo: down and given the new title Shopping Mall.

Bo: When it finally did make its way to wide

Bo: release, the movie was met with decent, if

Bo: unexceptional, business and critical

Bo: reviews that landed somewhere south of good,

Bo: though.

Bo: Some critics found some fun with the film,

Bo: even if they admitted that it was no

Bo: cinematic achievement.

Bo: But it was on home video that Shopping Mall

Bo: found its audience, one that would inspire

Bo: a DVD release in 2004 on the back of some

Bo: really good VHS sales and rental numbers.

Bo: Maybe it was the poster, maybe it was just

Bo: the silliness of it all, maybe just the sun

Bo: shining on this particular dog's ass on

Bo: this particular day, but Shopping Mall was,

Bo: after a while, a success.

Bo: But does this consumer concoction have any

Bo: fire in the bellies of its robotic security

Bo: guards, or is this one big not topic?

Bo: To find out, let's get chat in here to ring

Bo: up the damage on this.

Bo: Jim Wynorski, jim, ladies and gentlemen,

Bo: birdies and suesies, it's 1986's Shopping

Bo: Mall, and welcome back everyone to yet

Bo: another episode of Pick Six Movies, this

Bo: one not content with just referring to the

Bo: 80s all the time on account of us being old,

Bo: we're going to watch a movie set so firmly

Bo: in the strata of the 1980s.

Bo: It is chock full of malls and big hair and

Bo: slang and crappy effects, really colored

Bo: clothing and gratuitous nudity that is both

Bo: a trademark of the 1980s and our pal Jim

Bo: Wynorski, who of course directed this.

Bo: So Shopping Mall is a movie that I feel

Bo: like has been sort of always with me in

Bo: some weird way.

Bo: Like I don't think it's a great movie and

Bo: we'll talk about all the reasons why no,

Bo: it's clearly not, but it feels like that

Bo: friend you have.

Bo: That you don't really have that much in

Bo: common with, but you've always been around

Bo: them, and so you're just sort of weird.

Chad: You got some weird friends, man.

Chad: I don't know anybody like this movie.

Bo: Oh, I know a lot of people that are like

Bo: the living embodiment of Shopping Mall.

Bo: When I watched this movie.

Chad: It reminded me that there are certain films

Chad: that were made in the 80s that really

Chad: captured the essence of the 1980s, like you

Chad: mentioned in the intro Cameron Crowe and

Chad: Amy Heckerling's Fast Times at Ridgemont

Chad: High.

Chad: Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing captures the

Chad: 80s in a certain way.

Chad: All the John Hughes films you know just

Chad: across the board.

Chad: But I also think that those movies are

Chad: separate from movies that were made in the

Chad: 80s that define that generation of

Chad: filmmaking, like Rambo or Indiana Jones

Chad: films fall into that.

Chad: Ghost Busters and Terminator and Back to

Chad: the Future and all of the unlimited slasher

Chad: movies that were cranked out during that

Chad: particular decade.

Chad: You know, I just think that certain movies

Chad: were able to just capture the essence of

Chad: that decade without trying to recreate a

Chad: certain moment.

Chad: But I think that Shopping Mall may be one

Chad: of the most fantastic time capsules for the

Chad: 1980s ever captured on film Because it's

Chad: got so much of the mall culture and it's

Chad: got a slasher film component to it and it's

Chad: this techno disaster type nightmare.

Chad: It feels like the 1980s just shit out of

Chad: film.

Bo: It has all the trappings of the 1980s.

Bo: It's not trying to be a time capsule, which

Bo: kind of makes it a better time capsule.

Chad: It's the opposite of Wonder Woman 1984.

Bo: That's a great example in a horrible movie.

Bo: I would rather watch shopping mall than

Bo: Wonder Woman 84.

Chad: It's more authentic and genuine and it's

Chad: shorter and it's more entertaining and, if

Chad: you like it, there's a lot more nudity,

Chad: both male and female.

Bo: This is true.

Bo: Say what you will about shopping mall, it

Bo: is fairly equal opportunity.

Bo: I mean, it's certainly more exploitative

Bo: with the women, I guess.

Chad: but you see as many male nipples as female

Chad: nipples.

Chad: This is nipples a nipple.

Bo: I guess that's right.

Bo: When was the first time you saw this movie?

Bo: Three days ago?

Bo: Oh really, you had never seen this before.

Chad: No, this one never came across my radar.

Chad: It always just looked a little too bad and

Chad: I don't know why.

Chad: I mean, I'm surprised that you and I never

Chad: watched this together, but I had never seen

Chad: it.

Chad: For those who don't know, there were

Chad: certain people in the 1980s children who

Chad: were just like, left to their own devices

Chad: and just figured things out and there

Chad: wasn't a whole hell of a lot to do Like,

Chad: and going to the mall was one of them.

Chad: Tv only had three stations.

Chad: They all showed the same thing News, game

Chad: shows, soap operas, syndicated garbage.

Chad: In the afternoon, local news and then three

Chad: hours of programming and that was it.

Chad: Yeah.

Chad: You had one station of PBS that showed you

Chad: stuff to learn from, and then you had one

Chad: wild card of a UHF station, if you were

Chad: lucky, and that just showed a bunch of

Chad: public domain cartoons and public domain

Chad: movies and cheap pay to play trash, like

Chad: there was nothing to do but get in trouble,

Chad: watch that crappy TV or go to the mall.

Bo: And that's assuming you had a car to get to

Bo: the mall.

Bo: Otherwise you're just roaming the

Bo: neighborhood, completely unsupervised, with

Bo: a stick and ill intent.

Chad: And if it was near New Year's Day or Fourth

Chad: of July, you were blowing things up with

Chad: fireworks.

Bo: Boy.

Bo: Those were the days.

Chad: Well, there are also maybe one or two movie

Chad: theaters in town.

Chad: This is how bad it was.

Chad: Remember when they turned that 7-Eleven

Chad: into a video rental store.

Bo: Oh sure.

Chad: It went tits up.

Chad: I'm in that video rental store and I'm

Chad: standing there looking at the movies to

Chad: rent and the movie Mannequin it's on the

Chad: shelf and I'm thinking about watching

Chad: Mannequin and I pick it up and then I turn

Chad: around and I look over at the marquee for

Chad: the shitty movie theater in our hometown

Chad: and they're showing the movie Mannequin.

Chad: Now, this was not one of those late to the

Chad: game dollar theaters.

Chad: This was full price movie theater and they

Chad: had eight screens at the time, like they

Chad: built that out.

Chad: But I was like how in the hell is there a

Chad: VHS copy of Mannequin available for rent?

Chad: And they are still showing this movie on

Chad: the big screen.

Bo: Probably wasn't legally obtained, is what I

Bo: would suggest.

Bo: I don't know.

Bo: That was what the shitty cam version of

Bo: Mannequin.

Chad: My point here just being, is that movies

Chad: during this era?

Chad: I don't know that.

Chad: I have a point here yeah.

Chad: I don't think I do.

Chad: Oh OK, when was the last time you went to a

Chad: shopping mall?

Chad: Let's talk about that for a moment.

Bo: I walked into a shopping mall within the

Bo: past two years.

Chad: It's been a decade since I've walked into a

Chad: shopping mall proper.

Bo: The only reason I did is because the child

Bo: I was with legally was taking you to the

Bo: cops.

Bo: Oh no, no, wanted to get some Chinese from

Bo: the food court, oh, and so we were going to

Bo: that.

Bo: But we walked into the mall and she said I

Bo: don't like this place.

Bo: And I said I don't either.

Bo: And then we turned around and left.

Bo: So I was in the mall once in the past

Bo: decade for about 38 seconds and that was it.

Chad: I go to one of those outdoor shopping

Chad: epicenters, kind of like a Lowe's and a

Chad: Target, and then everything else is just

Chad: stitched together.

Chad: It's it's not encased in a giant building,

Chad: but back in the day going to the mall was a

Chad: thing to do.

Bo: Again, this is before the internet, when

Bo: you could just look at all the porn you

Bo: wanted.

Bo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's one

Bo: on the what.

Bo: Now, oh boy, I'll tell you what.

Bo: Let's take this offline.

Speaker 3: But I've got something I think you're

Speaker 3: really going to like.

Bo: Yeah, I mean you could walk in the place

Bo: with 20 bucks, hit the food court, maybe

Bo: buy a cassette tape or go to the movie

Bo: which was attached to the mall, and all of

Bo: that for a relatively inexpensive amount of

Bo: money and that blew your afternoon and you

Bo: had nothing but time.

Bo: You had no sense of mortality or how quick

Bo: all this goes by.

Bo: So, you just blew time hanging out watching

Bo: people go by and sipping an oversized

Bo: orange, julius.

Bo: In a lot of ways it was kind of wonderful

Bo: and in a lot of ways it's very sad.

Chad: Let's talk about this movie.

Bo: Oh yeah, please Out of the gate Bo.

Chad: I awarded this movie one very enthusiastic

Chad: star for its opening credits, of which

Chad: there are none.

Chad: Kudos to you, chopping ball.

Bo: The movie we go right into a dude breaking

Bo: the window of a jewelry store.

Chad: But it's a fake opening, like a James Bond

Chad: or Indiana Jones or something, but I was

Chad: like, hey, they're getting into the movie.

Bo: That's fine.

Bo: Those are real things that happen.

Bo: This is just a movie made by the security

Bo: company, but it's this thief swiping a

Bo: bunch of jewels yeah, he's a burglar.

Chad: He's wearing a little black hoodie.

Chad: I wish his shirt would have been white and

Chad: black striped, but then that would imply

Chad: that he got busted by the cops or a bandit

Chad: mask.

Chad: That would have been good.

Bo: One of those that ties at the back of his

Bo: head.

Bo: That would have been pretty good this

Bo: jewelry he's stealing.

Chad: It's clearly costume jewelry that costs

Chad: like 18 bucks retail.

Chad: The dude would have made more money by

Chad: carefully cutting out the window paint of

Chad: glass that he smashed and selling that on

Chad: the streets.

Bo: I buy most of my glass.

Bo: Just I've got a guy.

Bo: Let's just say that Sure.

Chad: Everybody's got a glass guy.

Chad: Why would you pay retail for that?

Chad: That's just foolish.

Bo: It's a fine question.

Bo: I've never done it.

Bo: Hey, you need glass.

Bo: I got glass.

Bo: Do you think they have the overcoats?

Bo: Yeah, Like what do you want?

Bo: Do you want?

Bo: You want some stained glass?

Bo: I've got.

Bo: Plexiglass, I've got security glass.

Chad: What do you need, buddy Huh.

Bo: My glass guy.

Bo: You live in a hurricane zone.

Chad: I got that covered.

Chad: See that right there.

Chad: That's a federal tax stamp.

Bo: It doesn't get more legal than that.

Chad: So back to our movie.

Chad: Yeah, our bandit stealing this jewelry

Chad: Right and then a four foot tall kill by on

Chad: treads rolls up behind this bandit and says

Chad: stop right there and surrender your weapon.

Chad: And this kill by clearly looks inspired by

Chad: short circuits, johnny five and our own

Chad: heartbeats crime buster, only 80% cheaper

Chad: and about 60% smaller.

Chad: This bandit turns around bow and starts

Chad: firing his pistol at the kill by left and

Chad: right.

Chad: He just empties his chamber and he's like,

Chad: yeah, he runs off and the kill by gives

Chad: chase and then fires a taser into the back

Chad: of this bandit, rendering the bandit

Chad: unconscious and then the end flashes on the

Chad: screen.

Bo: I was like, wow, this is going to be the

Bo: shortest episode we've ever done.

Chad: It was awesome, wasn't it?

Chad: You're like is that it?

Chad: And they're like oh crap, this is just a

Chad: head fake.

Chad: And I like that.

Chad: It's listed as a secure Tronix production.

Chad: Uh-huh Like, what are we doing here?

Chad: And then it cuts into this real to real

Chad: projector, showing that this is a short

Chad: movie about a mall robbery at night and

Chad: it's being shown to a small audience of

Chad: people in folding chairs sitting in a real

Chad: mall at night through meta.

Chad: Indeed, I think if I was the head of secure

Chad: Tronix, I would have had some real life

Chad: bandits go rob these people's stores during

Chad: the mall presentation and then, when they

Chad: went back to work, they were just like we

Chad: were robbed.

Chad: We need killbots to protect our crummy

Chad: merchandise.

Bo: That guy was right.

Bo: You know, secure Tronix is one of the

Bo: unsung heroes of filmmaking of this era.

Bo: Not only did they do, obviously, the

Bo: killbot safety video, they also did

Bo: breaking away the bicycling epic.

Bo: And they really yeah, they did the original

Bo: credit kid.

Bo: Those were both secure Tronix films, but

Bo: then they went under.

Bo: Just you know bad deals.

Chad: This blonde woman wearing a very smart

Chad: looking suit and glasses.

Chad: She takes the stage and she says ladies and

Chad: gentlemen, that ends our fake out intro to

Chad: the movie.

Chad: Here is the head of development for secure

Chad: Tronix unlimited Incorporated International,

Chad: a division of global common, its parent

Chad: company, omega Corp.

Chad: Mr Dr Stan Simon oh, by the way Chad, worth

Chad: pointing out.

Bo: We've got our cameo here by Paul Bartell

Bo: and Mary Warnoff.

Chad: Oh, they're showing up.

Chad: They're going to be here.

Chad: Another cameo.

Chad: The woman making the announcement is Angela

Chad: Ames, who had some small parts on Cheers

Chad: and Night Court, but she was the woman who

Chad: was getting her baby's photos made at the

Chad: opening of bachelor party.

Chad: When Adrian's Med and Tom Hanks come in and

Chad: they do that impromptu photo shoot with

Chad: their head all around her large cleavage.

Bo: That's her.

Bo: Oh, bachelor party holds up pretty well.

Bo: Oh, almost certainly not.

Bo: Chad Everything.

Chad: I remember about it is problematic at best.

Chad: Guy putting his wiener in the hot dog bun

Chad: and that old lady yanking on it.

Bo: I'm just thinking of the list of shit that

Bo: they tout as being acceptable yeah.

Bo: An appeal for the party itself yeah.

Bo: None of that is okay.

Chad: I want to say, though, whenever I use

Chad: paprika in the kitchen, the words thank you.

Bo: Thank you, you made me the happiest spice

Bo: in the whole wide world Always comes out of

Bo: my mouth.

Bo: I have the same problem.

Bo: I do the exact same thing.

Chad: It's paprika.

Chad: So Dr Stan Simon.

Chad: He comes up on stage and he says hello,

Chad: people of the mall, full disclosure.

Chad: The doctor in my name is followed by a

Chad: question mark and legally must be

Chad: pronounced doctor Stan Simon.

Chad: And yes, that's my Christian name.

Chad: My parents were high on PCP when they named

Chad: me.

Chad: Let me introduce you to your new security

Chad: team, the protector 101 killbot series 2000.

Chad: And then there's these three killbots

Chad: behind him sitting on the stage.

Bo: And that's the point where Paul Bartell is

Bo: like they look like the three stooges.

Chad: And then he says I don't know that one in

Chad: the middle has an unpleasant ethnic quality

Chad: which is the one genuine laugh of the movie

Chad: for me.

Chad: I couldn't tell if this movie was self

Chad: aware or just terrible, and after watching

Chad: it twice but I'm still not sure.

Chad: But I think it's just terrible.

Bo: Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff wrote their

Bo: own dialogue for this movie.

Chad: That doesn't mean it's not racist.

Bo: They're both satirists to one degree or

Bo: another and they're kind of reprising the

Bo: roles from eating Raoul and those

Bo: characters are very aristocratic, racist,

Bo: close minded kinds of characters.

Bo: So I think it's just in keeping with that

Bo: character.

Bo: I don't think Paul Bartell actually

Bo: believes that.

Bo: You know, that robot had an unpleasant

Bo: ethnic quality.

Bo: I think he was just goofing.

Bo: I don't think that's directly racist.

Bo: But also, all these people are dead.

Chad: There's no way to know.

Chad: Doctor Stan Simon stands up and says so,

Chad: are there any questions?

Chad: And this one dude stands up and he says yes,

Chad: what do your machines do Besides kill

Chad: people?

Chad: I was like kill people what I judge jury

Chad: and executioner for some handsy kids at a

Chad: Spencer's gift.

Bo: But let me just stop you right there.

Bo: They don't kill, they just incapacitate.

Bo: They fire sleep darts or something.

Bo: They've got sleep darts, they've got the

Bo: tasers.

Bo: They've got laser beams that shoot out of

Bo: their faces Once they identify a suspect,

Bo: they alert the police.

Chad: Plus, getting into the mall now is almost

Chad: impossible because we have steel doors that

Chad: lock from midnight till dawn.

Chad: Come to think of it, the killbots are

Chad: unnecessary since we have those no steel

Chad: doors.

Chad: Forget that last thing I just said.

Chad: You're going to want the killbots.

Chad: You can't get the steel doors without the

Chad: killbots.

Chad: It's a package deal, pete.

Chad: That's how it works.

Bo: You're buying the killbots.

Bo: The steel doors come with the killbots.

Bo: You can't get the doors and no killbots.

Bo: That's the I say.

Bo: On the cake is Paul and.

Chad: Mary, the satirist from the racist side of

Chad: town he lanes in.

Chad: He's like maybe we could use one of the

Chad: restaurant.

Chad: Get rid of the people we don't like.

Chad: And I'm like, based on that ethnic quality

Chad: comment earlier, I know what kind of people

Chad: you're talking about.

Bo: Another guy in the crowd site how they got

Bo: to tell who's a good guy and who's a bad

Bo: guy over here.

Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith says I'm so glassed,

Chad: you asked total stranger who I've never met

Chad: before.

Chad: Wink, wink.

Chad: All employees have to do is show their name

Chad: badge and they won't be shot with sleep

Chad: darts or confused as mal debris or

Chad: electrocuted.

Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith calls the Kilbot

Chad: control room and he says bring Kilbot

Chad: number one online.

Chad: And Kilbot number one comes online and

Chad: scans Dr Stan Smith's badge and it says

Chad: thank you, have a nice day.

Chad: And then the guy in the audience goes yeah,

Chad: follow up question.

Chad: Well, what if the bad guys get another

Chad: employee's badge?

Chad: I mean, couldn't they just run around

Chad: causing all kinds of crimes and they just

Chad: flash somebody else's badge?

Chad: Unfortunately, I'm not taking any more

Chad: questions.

Bo: Don't worry, nothing could possibly go

Bo: wrong.

Bo: Possibly that's the first thing that's ever

Bo: gotten wrong.

Chad: And then we get the movie's title chopping

Chad: mall, and we get this montage of vintage

Chad: 80s mall culture with the opening credits,

Chad: which is arguably a waste of time, but it

Chad: does help to establish the footprint of

Chad: where this movie is taking place.

Chad: So, counselor, I will allow it, and he

Chad: gives us a little entertainment along the

Chad: way, because we start off, we see a kid go

Chad: into an elevator he's eating a big ice

Chad: cream cone and then a bunch of adults rush

Chad: in and the door is closed and they open and

Chad: the kids covered with chocolate ice cream

Chad: all over his face and shirt.

Chad: How or why did that happen?

Chad: I have no idea.

Bo: That's a pretty good gag.

Bo: We see a couple of kids making out on a

Bo: bench and this old couple see him and

Bo: they're like I don't have some of that.

Bo: And they start making out a little bit,

Bo: let's clarify old couple.

Chad: These people are in their 80s.

Bo: They're of the Koala Chlamydia age, where

Bo: they are in some kind of assisted living

Bo: facility that is just running wild with

Bo: syphilis right now.

Chad: They're doing a little like teeth swapping

Chad: yeah that's sexy.

Chad: We see a guy stealing about 50 LPs.

Chad: Those are large record albums for our

Chad: younger listeners and they're stuffed up

Chad: under his shirts.

Chad: It's obvious that he's stealing these and

Chad: he's wearing a button-up shirt.

Chad: I'm like this is a rookie mistake.

Bo: Yeah, that's not great.

Bo: Honestly, when CDs first came out, they put

Bo: them in the long sleeves.

Bo: That was a real anti-theft deterrent, I

Bo: mean for some people Chad.

Chad: Our friend Ben, who's probably stolen more

Chad: things than anybody I've ever known in my

Chad: lifetime.

Chad: Two things he stole that I was always

Chad: impressed with.

Chad: One was he went into a store that was

Chad: called TGNY.

Chad: It was a precursor to Walmart, like a local

Chad: five-in-dime chain.

Chad: He and another guy went into this TGNY,

Chad: went back to the sporting goods store and

Chad: just picked up a canoe and walked out with

Chad: it.

Chad: Wow, that is impressive, Thinking no one's

Chad: gonna stop me if I walk out with a canoe.

Chad: They're gonna think I paid for it.

Bo: And he was right.

Bo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chad: And he lived probably close to a mile, and

Chad: they carried it back to his house.

Chad: Another fun fact he lived nowhere near a

Chad: body of water.

Bo: But he had a canoe.

Chad: He also stole full-body cow costume from a

Chad: Coach House gifts in a shopping mall by

Chad: stuffing it down his pants, which is

Chad: impressive.

Chad: And then he proceeded to put on that cow

Chad: costume, wear it to a high school football

Chad: game and jump down on the field, and what

Chad: the write-up report said from the vice

Chad: principal was that he was down on the field

Chad: simulating masturbation with cow outage.

Bo: Yeah, how do you nod, I don't know, when

Bo: you're milking yourself in a cow outfit.

Bo: I posed that question to you.

Bo: How do you not seem like you're

Bo: masturbating Any?

Chad: lawyer worth a nickel can say do you know

Chad: what masturbation is?

Chad: Yes, these are udders.

Chad: This isn't masturbation, right?

Chad: Sure, they look similar, but, sir, you need

Chad: to go spend a little bit of time with 4-H

Chad: Can you milk an udder and a penis?

Bo: Yes, the answer to that is clearly yes, but

Bo: just because the motions are the same does

Bo: not mean they achieve the same level of

Bo: inappropriateness in public or even

Bo: satisfaction.

Chad: You'll have to go ask the cow in the bull

Chad: to get that answer.

Chad: During this montage in the mall we do see a

Chad: kid in a video game arcade playing and then

Chad: this guy rolls up who's clearly a pedophile.

Chad: So the kid leaves and then the pervert

Chad: takes over playing the kid's game.

Chad: Which wasn't that an awesome opportunity

Chad: when you were in an arcade.

Chad: And then some kid's mom comes up.

Chad: You know, billy, we gotta go.

Chad: And then Billy leaves and you take over, or

Chad: a pedophile rolls up and scares the kid

Chad: away.

Bo: Yeah, but you get that full play.

Bo: Yeah, that was the best man.

Chad: Like hey, you want to take over my game?

Chad: Hell yeah, I will.

Bo: You just saved me 25 cents buddy Also,

Bo: there's a gag where a woman is navigating

Bo: the crowd at the food court with this tray

Bo: of food.

Chad: Yeah, How's that gonna end, Beau?

Bo: Oh, not good Chad.

Bo: We see a guy holding a bunch of boxes.

Bo: He dumps them on the escalator.

Bo: When he sees some babes with sashes and

Bo: bathing suits coming down the other side,

Bo: hey, you want to be in a movie.

Chad: You got a bikini.

Chad: Oh, you got high heels.

Chad: Tell me more.

Chad: Put on this sash.

Chad: You're gonna be in the movie.

Chad: All right, you know how to milk a cow.

Chad: You know how to milk a bull.

Bo: As we've discussed twice now on this show,

Bo: Jim Weynorski is a great A-Cream and I am

Bo: sure that your impression of this is far

Bo: closer to the truth than either of us would

Bo: care to do.

Chad: Yeah, and I just want to go on record and

Chad: say I was shocked at how reserved this

Chad: movie was with its creepiness Although no,

Chad: we'll get into it in a minute but the

Chad: majority of the nudity takes place in one

Chad: of the most strange environments, with all

Chad: types of comings and goings going on, pun

Chad: intended.

Bo: There's a real like polyamorous vibe to a

Bo: lot of this, so the woman navigating the

Bo: tray of food, like this whole bit, ends

Bo: with her just getting to the table and then

Bo: totally whipping it and dumping the food

Bo: all over somebody else at the table.

Bo: It's a real tin chocolate cream pies.

Chad: Whoa, if you get that reference, you're old.

Bo: As a wise man once said, there are as yet

Bo: undiscovered tribes in the Amazon.

Bo: Who could see that?

Chad: joke coming.

Chad: We get to a restaurant in the food court

Chad: where all of the walls are covered in cross

Chad: promotion of other terrible slasher and

Chad: sci-fi films.

Chad: One assumed that were produced by Roger

Chad: Corman or members of his family.

Chad: And here we meet two of our movie's four

Chad: female characters, Allison and Susie.

Chad: They are working as waitresses in this

Chad: restaurant.

Chad: Allison is our movie's final girl and Susie

Chad: was gonna call her the waitress.

Chad: To keep all of this straightened until they

Chad: one by one get killed.

Chad: I like how they're shouting out all that

Chad: make them up diner.

Chad: Speak to this fat chef who's working in an

Chad: open kitchen.

Chad: He looks like if chef by RD's life went

Chad: terribly wrong in every way.

Chad: He's openly smoking and he's wearing this

Chad: t-shirt that looks like a used diaper, Just

Chad: smeared with shit.

Bo: This was at a time when a short order cook

Bo: was expected to be smoking as he cooked, it

Bo: looked disgusting and unshaven and it is

Bo: the culinary embodiment of the line ah, you

Bo: can barely see dim nipples.

Bo: Like if you could take that line and shove

Bo: it into a cook's outfit.

Bo: It's this guy, it's this human being.

Chad: Allison drops a plate.

Chad: This gives both she and Susie a chance to

Chad: bend over and give us a little exposition

Chad: as they're cleaning up the mess.

Chad: And Susie says tonight's the night, you

Chad: gotta come to this party.

Chad: I set you up, this really cute guy.

Chad: And then chef boy RDUI shouts out hey, come

Chad: on, take the food.

Chad: The wallet's hot.

Chad: I'm not gonna go take out a break and do

Chad: the drugs and the walk in the cooler which

Chad: he does have a terrible Italian accent,

Chad: which was surprising.

Bo: And Susie, by the way, is warning Allison

Bo: about this fat customer that likes to get

Bo: handsy.

Bo: And the way she puts it is yeah, that orca

Bo: beaches here every week, which is wow that

Bo: is really rough.

Chad: The scene does end with him shouting out

Chad: more butter, Poor.

Bo: Allison.

Bo: It's up dropping a dish and that's where

Bo: Susie is, like I forget what chef boy RDUI

Bo: has to say.

Bo: You should come to this party that we're

Bo: gonna have.

Bo: We'll get to that.

Chad: The movie cuts to Kilbot control room where

Chad: some technician is just hanging out.

Chad: And then the movie cuts to the city skyline

Chad: where bolts of lightning are striking earth

Chad: with such force and frequency I thought we

Chad: were on some planet from the Dune series.

Chad: And then one of the bolts I mean it's like

Chad: kapow kapow one bolt strikes the mall and,

Chad: like Frankenstein, our monsters come to

Chad: life, but in this movie the monsters of the

Chad: Kilbots and they directly bypass that stage

Chad: of benevolent kindness and they just go

Chad: straight to murdering, rampage as part of

Chad: this particular narrative.

Bo: This is a storm equivalent to the one that

Bo: sets off the horrible, fine chain of events

Bo: in the movie Poltergeist.

Bo: It is lightning, and when everything is

Bo: going wrong Also the nerd here watching

Bo: over the Kilbots when the lightning hits

Bo: also smoking.

Chad: Yeah, because it was the 80s and that's

Chad: what you did in every movie and you looked

Chad: at pornography, because he's looking at a

Chad: playboy or penthouse or something and

Chad: unfolding it and he's giving it a va va, va

Chad: boom, and then one of the Kilbots just

Chad: comes over and, using its pincher claw,

Chad: kills this nerd technician.

Bo: It just goes right through the center fold

Bo: and grabs the guy by the throat question

Bo: mark.

Bo: When he falls down he's got a bloody neck,

Bo: but it's real unclear as to how this

Bo: particular murder happens.

Chad: I love how this movie doesn't give any real

Chad: reason as to why any of this is happening.

Chad: I mean, it's like in short circuit, the

Chad: robots got electrocuted and that's what

Chad: brings them to life.

Chad: This just jumps from A to Z so fast, Like

Chad: there's never a moment of well you know,

Chad: sir, if the Kilbots were to get a surge of

Chad: electricity, it could potentially cause

Chad: problems with their safety software.

Chad: Like none of that.

Chad: Like you're in a movie called Chopping Mall.

Chad: What do you think these idiots want to see?

Bo: No bullshit, Cut the credits, and even the

Bo: nerdlinger will get to in a little bit.

Bo: Ferdy, his character should be the one

Bo: that's like oh, I think I see what happened,

Bo: that lightning hit the antenna.

Bo: No, no, no, none of that.

Bo: Like you said, we're not fucking around

Bo: here.

Bo: The movie's called Chopping Mall.

Bo: Let's get to some chopping, chop, chop.

Chad: So we cut to our three male leads in this

Chad: movie who work in a store that's called

Chad: Furniture King and they sell housewares and,

Chad: as the name implies, furniture is a bunch

Chad: of couches and lamps and TVs and whatever

Chad: the film crew could scrounge up from the

Chad: local Goodwill store.

Bo: And yeah, you know this is a real Goodwill

Bo: kind of put together situation.

Chad: There's Mike, who's the douchebag of the

Chad: bunch, and then there's Greg I'm going to

Chad: call him the sensible one.

Chad: And then there's Ferdy, who's the nerdy one.

Chad: That's easy to remember, cause Ferdy rhymes

Chad: with nerdy and every male in this movie has

Chad: a female counterpart.

Chad: So Greg, the sensible one, he's paired with

Chad: Susie, the waitress from earlier.

Chad: Mike the douchebag is paired with Leslie,

Chad: the sexy one and I'm using that term

Chad: loosely and then Ferdy gets paired with

Chad: Allison, our final girl, and then later

Chad: we're going to meet Rick and Linda.

Chad: Now, none of that matters, but we are going

Chad: to try to keep it all straight, as the

Chad: killbots, one by one, murder these people.

Bo: They're giving Ferdy a little bit of grief

Bo: just because he's a nerdlinger and they're

Bo: like hey, we got some beer for the party,

Bo: but we need a place to have it and Ferdy,

Bo: our nerd because of you know, nerdy is like

Bo: geez guys, I don't know if we should host

Bo: the party in my store over here because,

Bo: hey, this is my uncle's store and I'm a for

Bo: a big promotion maybe.

Chad: But Ferdy doesn't even look like a nerd.

Chad: He's a handsome dude.

Chad: He's just wearing glasses and he's not

Chad: terribly tall, but there's nothing about

Chad: him that like you didn't have some white

Chad: tape that you could stick in the middle of

Chad: his glasses.

Chad: How is that not there?

Bo: More than that, Chad.

Bo: It's that we're going to take off the

Bo: glasses and suddenly we're dealing with a

Bo: hunk and a babe, and it's that in space

Bo: Like Ferdy is the most competent put

Bo: together person in the entire film and is

Bo: treated like he is the biggest doofus.

Bo: But that's also a very 80s kind of trope.

Bo: But they don't do it well here, well, no,

Bo: well, I mean you've shown me anything

Bo: that's done well in this movie.

Chad: Mike the douchebag says the fridge is full

Chad: of beer.

Chad: Rick and Linda bringing the food and we've

Chad: got clean sheets.

Chad: And I was like clean sheets, what's going

Chad: to you, oh God.

Chad: So then the movie cuts to our fourth couple,

Chad: the aforementioned Rick and Linda.

Chad: They are in a truck and the truck's on the

Chad: side of the road having car trouble and

Chad: they're on the way to the mall for this

Chad: party boat.

Chad: And this feels like a scene from what I

Chad: would classify as a in the woods camping

Chad: horror film.

Chad: But we're not.

Chad: We're in this urban California shopping

Chad: techno horror film.

Chad: Cause here, arguably, you're setting up why

Chad: the truck won't start later in our movie.

Chad: It's had a little trouble here, it won't

Chad: turn over later.

Chad: But here none of this matters.

Chad: It doesn't matter that they're in the truck,

Chad: doesn't matter that it won't turn over.

Bo: None of that, just have them show up at the

Bo: mall.

Bo: There is so much unnecessary backstory in

Bo: this scene.

Bo: Not only do we get the fact that the truck

Bo: is hard to start, we get the fact that

Bo: Linda is the one who fixes it, because

Bo: she's the really good mechanic Don't matter

Bo: later at all.

Bo: Right, they're married, but they have all

Bo: this money suck in the new business.

Chad: R and L automotive and the R and L are in a

Chad: heart.

Chad: That's cause they're in a heart.

Bo: Also don't matter.

Bo: The guy's kind of reluctant to go.

Bo: But then Linda shows him a little lingerie

Bo: that she was like.

Bo: Well, I guess I won't have anywhere to wear

Bo: this.

Bo: His eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf and he

Bo: puts the pedal to the metal to get to the

Bo: shopping mall.

Bo: But all of this stuff is completely

Bo: unnecessary to the film, yeah Just have

Bo: them show up at the mall.

Bo: Yeah, and one wonders if there is not some

Bo: version where the fact that she's a good

Bo: mechanic and he's not somehow it has

Bo: something to do with something when it

Bo: comes to this movie, but it never

Bo: materializes.

Bo: It's a real check-offs mechanic that

Bo: doesn't ever go off, I guess.

Chad: So Mike the douchebag goes into a women's

Chad: clothing store to check in with Leslie the

Chad: sexy one, and he sneaks up behind her and

Chad: just grabs her breast with both hands.

Chad: Oh sure, classy, typical Mike the douchebag.

Chad: And then Mike says, hey, I can't wait for

Chad: tonight.

Chad: And then these two just start violently

Chad: making out in the store.

Chad: She is an employee of this place and she's

Chad: just sticking her tongue down the throat of

Chad: this guy, not just an employee.

Bo: The employee of her father, who may

Bo: question, mark owned this clothing store.

Speaker 3: Because he just comes out and is like hmm,

Speaker 3: yeah, how about you leave a little room for

Speaker 3: the Holy Ghost?

Chad: Would you mind removing your hand from the

Chad: front of my daughter's Calvin Klein

Chad: dungarees?

Bo: Sorry Dad, I was just excited because we're

Bo: going to Susie's birthday party.

Speaker 3: Very good Lock up and I'll keep an eye on

Speaker 3: this riff-raff.

Bo: Allison's dad is on the phone with her at

Bo: the mall and why she has to call her dad to

Bo: say, hey, I'm thinking of going to this

Bo: party being held here at the mall for some

Bo: reason.

Chad: I thought all of these people are in their

Chad: mid to late 20s.

Bo: Oh, absolutely.

Bo: Everybody in this movie absolutely looks

Bo: like they are old enough to drive, vote and

Bo: be drafted.

Chad: Rent a car, possibly adopt another person.

Bo: In fact, for a while there I thought Susie

Bo: had adopted Allison.

Chad: Well, she gets off the phone with her dad

Chad: and she's like I love you, daddy.

Chad: And then the movie pans out and we see that

Chad: Allison and Susie are in a locker room

Chad: where they're changing clothes, and it also

Chad: appears that there are showers for the mall

Chad: employees to use.

Chad: But I worked in a couple of malls earlier

Chad: in my life.

Chad: This is 100% made up.

Chad: This does not exist in the real world of.

Chad: Maybe it's a fancy California mall.

Chad: I don't think so.

Chad: I think that the director was like anybody

Chad: want to be in a movie.

Chad: Take it top off, walk around over here.

Chad: We're in the shower scene at the mall, are

Chad: you sure I have to do?

Speaker 3: this, Mr Woodhouse.

Speaker 3: Hey, you know how to milk a cow.

Chad: You know how to milk a bull, you like to

Chad: ride escalators?

Chad: You like to ride anything else when you

Chad: going?

Chad: Hey, come back here, sweet cheeks.

Bo: Allison tells Susie hey, I'm going to go to

Bo: this party.

Bo: Of course Susie is very excited by this.

Bo: On their way out, susie borrows a bunch of

Bo: hairspray and makeup.

Bo: Then they head back inside the store

Bo: because they're going to the furniture

Bo: store in the mall.

Bo: I'm like, why go out in the first place?

Chad: We hear over the loudBo the mall will

Chad: be closing in 10 minutes.

Chad: And then outside there's more lightning

Chad: strikes.

Chad: Back inside, at the Kilbot Observatorium,

Chad: the night shift technician shows up to take

Chad: over for that guy who likes spank books and

Chad: is now dead, by the way.

Chad: What did the daytime tech do?

Chad: Because the Kilbots don't work during the

Chad: day?

Chad: Labor ain't cheap.

Chad: But fire that guy, Increase your margins.

Chad: Kilbot Incorporated.

Bo: It's just there to make sure that lightning

Bo: doesn't hit the panel.

Bo: Yes, so.

Chad: Uh-oh, the new guy comes in and the day

Chad: shift guy isn't there.

Chad: And the night tech is played by actor

Chad: Garrett Graham, who I know as the guy that

Chad: was terrified of red cars in the Kurt

Chad: Russell movie Used Cars, written and

Chad: directed by Robert Zemeckis and co-authored

Chad: by Bob Gale the two people who brought us

Chad: Back to the Future.

Chad: That's a pretty good movie.

Chad: You've never seen it.

Chad: I mean it ain't great, but it's pretty

Chad: funny.

Chad: You can see hints of Back to the Future in

Chad: the finale of that, like the race against

Chad: time and how it all comes together.

Chad: I was like I can see how they built on this

Chad: a little bit.

Bo: This same actor is also the titular bud in

Bo: Chud too, but the Chud.

Chad: He was the voice of Jay Sherman's nutty

Chad: adoptive father on the animated series the.

Chad: Critic he did a bunch of voice work.

Chad: He didn't just disappear into drugs and

Chad: alcohol and bull milk, not like I'm

Chad: planning to.

Chad: This other tech comes in and first techs.

Chad: Nowhere to be seen.

Chad: Did the Kilbots just clean up all of their

Chad: carnage and porn Again.

Bo: It's like the player character in the game

Bo: Hitman just dumping a body in the nearest

Bo: dumpster.

Chad: I'm like there's gonna be a lot of blood,

Chad: but maybe not.

Chad: Well, they have a vacuum attachment.

Chad: Tech number two sits down and starts

Chad: reading a book that appears not to be

Chad: pornography.

Chad: The book's title is it Came from Outer

Chad: Space, which, now that I think about it,

Chad: that could be erotic fiction?

Bo: I guess it could be.

Bo: You say it like that, wouldn't that be?

Bo: It Came in Outer.

Chad: Space, or on Outer Space or with Outer

Chad: Space.

Chad: There's a whole series in the it Came

Chad: series about.

Bo: Is there a box that I can buy so I could

Bo: just read it cover?

Chad: to cover.

Chad: There is, but if you're gonna get it, get

Chad: the illustrated version worth every penny.

Bo: They come pre-stuck together and with 3D

Bo: glasses.

Chad: Oh, that is handy.

Bo: So he hears the robot's power up but it

Bo: does a real like psychic out where he looks

Bo: over and he's like huh and they're all

Bo: powered down, and then he looks back and

Bo: they're dum, dum, dum, dum dum.

Bo: Yeah, and then the pincher comes out again

Bo: and the phone rings and the door closes,

Bo: and then, finally, the killbot fires this

Bo: like hook into the back of this dude's neck

Bo: and down goes, garrett Graham.

Bo: All right, yeah so long, but the chud.

Chad: We cut to the party over at Furniture King.

Chad: This whole place is about the size of a

Chad: high school classroom and all four of our

Chad: couples are just drinking Paps Blue Ribbon

Chad: out of the can, like you do.

Chad: There's a bunch of white guy dancing going

Chad: on to the song Street Walking by Sylvia St

Chad: James, the title music track to the movie

Chad: Street Walking about Times Square hookers

Chad: that came out in 1985.

Chad: And I thought are the four people in this

Chad: movie just jamming out to the soundtrack of

Chad: Street?

Bo: Walking.

Bo: A good song is a good song.

Bo: It doesn't matter where it came from.

Bo: If you could dance to it, it works.

Bo: Yeah, yeah, like Judgement Night isn't a

Bo: great movie, but the song Judgement Night

Bo: is fantastic.

Chad: Ferti's in the bathroom of this furniture

Chad: store, trying to look less nerdy or less

Chad: handsome, I couldn't tell.

Chad: He gives a breath check in the palm, like,

Chad: and he gives a little couple of

Chad: bonacoblasts to make his mouth ever fresh.

Chad: Then he heads out to find three of the four

Chad: couples drinking and making out.

Chad: And then Ferti gets thrust into the arms of

Chad: Allison, our final girl, and it's one of

Chad: those.

Chad: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you

Chad: are near and they're just.

Chad: They're looking at each other like I'm in

Chad: love.

Bo: Yeah, why died and everything.

Bo: And meanwhile back in the store proper they

Bo: turn around and Greg and Susie are totally

Bo: making out in front of God and everybody.

Bo: I am not a public display of affection kind

Bo: of person, as a Mm hmm, and certainly not

Bo: to this you know what?

Chad: buckle up.

Chad: It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Chad: We cut to the outside of the mall and the

Chad: killbots are just patrolling around.

Chad: The mall is now closed, and over at

Chad: furniture king, this party is really going

Chad: strong.

Chad: And killbot number one drives by but

Chad: doesn't do anything, and then killbot

Chad: number two comes online and starts to

Chad: patrol its level of the mall.

Chad: And then all the killbots are out and

Chad: they're rolling around in the mall, which,

Chad: by the way, this mall has carpet Gross.

Bo: Imagine how disgusting that is One of the

Bo: reasons they have the killbot, because, as

Bo: we saw with all the blood in the office,

Bo: they're also constantly vacuuming.

Chad: They're like the proto Roomba.

Bo: They're just Roomba's with a homicidal

Bo: intent.

Bo: Hold on.

Chad: Invention idea Tie a gun to the top of your

Chad: Roomba to protect your house and keep it

Chad: clean All right.

Bo: Quick note make movie called Roomba side

Bo: Termo.

Chad: Roomba no the.

Bo: Roomba nader, now Roomba with a view.

Bo: That's the more romantic one.

Bo: Roomba cop.

Bo: Roomba cop is not bad.

Bo: Hey Sleazebag, roomba, hey Sleazebag.

Bo: I'm stuck on this small wooden ledge

Bo: separating the hallway from the bathroom.

Bo: How about you?

Bo: Give a Roomba a hand, will you?

Bo: Can you fly Roomba?

Chad: We come back to furniture king, and things

Chad: have escalated quickly because Rick, you

Chad: know one of the two married people.

Chad: He's presumably just naked in a bed bow

Chad: that is for sale to people in this very

Chad: tiny furniture store, and his wife, Linda.

Chad: She sachets out wearing her panties and bra

Chad: combo.

Chad: Keep in mind, this furniture store doesn't

Chad: have separate room, it's just one big room

Chad: with furniture in it and the size of a

Chad: 7-Eleven.

Chad: And then Linda comes out, she leaps onto

Chad: Rick and then these two start grinding.

Chad: The camera just slowly pans over and here

Chad: are Greg and Susie who are on a couch.

Chad: That's just right over there, Bo, it's

Chad: right there.

Chad: Reach out your fingers, you can touch.

Chad: Greg says hey, you smell like pepperoni.

Chad: She's like why would you say that?

Chad: And he's like don't worry, I like pepperoni.

Chad: Let's get naked and have sex on this couch

Chad: that someone might buy tomorrow, While our

Chad: friends have sex over there on that bed

Chad: that someone also might buy tomorrow.

Bo: One of the weirdest moments in a movie

Bo: filled with a lot of weird little moments

Bo: is as Susie is stripping.

Bo: She starts humming some inappropriately

Bo: peppy tune as she is stripping.

Chad: I think she's humming Street Walking,

Chad: street Walking.

Chad: Sure probably, so Got to be home street,

Chad: street walking, then the camera keeps

Chad: panning.

Bo: Yes, let's keep going.

Bo: What else is happening?

Bo: And now Mike and Leslie are also on a

Bo: nearby couch with a sheet thrown over them

Bo: and they're getting into some uncomfortably

Bo: close fucking.

Chad: As the camera pans over, it goes past a box

Chad: of better cheddar snack crackers.

Chad: I was like, do they still make better

Chad: cheddar snack crackers?

Chad: Because our house is a Cheez-It's household,

Chad: we also certainly partake of goldfish brand

Chad: cheddar crackers as well, but not so much

Chad: the better cheddar crackers.

Bo: Oh look who's fancy, While we have goldfish

Bo: in our house we don't know anything about

Bo: better cheddar.

Chad: What does that say about me?

Chad: We're panning across these three couples in

Chad: various states of dress and sex and I'm

Chad: like, hey, is that better cheddar crackers?

Chad: They still make those.

Chad: Hold on, let me get an internet.

Chad: Well, they do.

Bo: I just not been looking.

Chad: Oh my God, no to self by better cheddar

Chad: crackers.

Bo: Yeah, sure that camera is uncomfortably

Bo: close to her nipples, but I've got

Bo: important information to sort out here

Bo: which is can I and, more to the point,

Bo: should I invest some time and money into

Bo: getting some better cheddars in my mouth?

Chad: Is that a can of melon flavored Hawaiian

Chad: punch in the background?

Chad: I believe it Do.

Chad: They make that?

Chad: They do, but you have to buy direct from

Chad: the manufacturer.

Bo: Oh my God, that's a 64 ounce bottle of Ecto

Bo: Cooler.

Bo: Hang on a second oh, oh wait, you can make

Bo: your own.

Bo: Guess who's having better cheddars and Ecto

Bo: Cooler this weekend?

Chad: The movie eventually pans over to Ferdy the

Chad: nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and

Chad: they're innocently watching the 1965 black

Chad: and white movie Attack of the Crab Monster,

Chad: which may or may not be an intentional

Chad: choice, as our three kill bots also have

Chad: pinchers on their hands, like crabs.

Bo: Chad.

Bo: Let me just say here is why it's an

Bo: appropriate choice.

Bo: Roger Corman owned it and it was free to

Bo: put it in the movie.

Chad: I was just trying to give credit where

Chad: credit wasn't due.

Chad: In this movie, something scary happens and

Chad: it causes Allison to jump into the arms of

Chad: Ferdy because she needs a big, strong man

Chad: to protect her.

Chad: And in the background you see a socially

Chad: distant orgy taking place.

Chad: These three other couples are full on

Chad: having sex in the background.

Bo: Absolutely.

Chad: Just think about how uncomfortable it is to

Chad: be in the real world, around people making

Chad: out, you know, like at a party or if you're

Chad: in a movie theater, like you've been

Chad: somewhere and you see like this is awkward.

Chad: Imagine that times three and they're having

Chad: sex Like that's insane.

Bo: I would be slowly pulling the sheet back to

Bo: reveal them in totem, Just to get a look

Bo: like hey, if you're going to be fucking

Bo: around me, I want to see the full.

Chad: I'm leaving.

Chad: I'm like I'm out of here.

Chad: I don't want the smells to start to mix.

Chad: I might throw up.

Chad: I've got my camera out.

Bo: My phone is recording this.

Bo: I'm arranging lights around them.

Bo: I'm going to turn this into a real, like

Bo: only fans kind of situation.

Chad: Ferdy offers Allison some wine and she's

Chad: like Ferdy, are you trying to get me drunk?

Chad: And Ferdy's like no, I just thought to a

Chad: nice girl like you might be thirsty.

Chad: You know this is my uncle's furniture store

Chad: and you know Greg set me up with you and

Chad: you know I wouldn't tell about this sex

Chad: orgy going on to anybody because I didn't

Chad: anticipate he'd set me up with someone as

Chad: pretty as you.

Chad: Please don't tell my uncle.

Chad: And orgy happened in this building.

Chad: And then in the background, one of these

Chad: women just starts having a very loud orgasm

Chad: like you do yes, or maybe it was one of the

Chad: guys who just really gets high pitched

Chad: whenever someone milks the bull.

Chad: Then Ferdy says hey, allison, maybe I

Chad: should take you home.

Chad: The mall's security gates are going to be

Chad: closing in about an hour.

Chad: And then the film cuts to the TV screen

Chad: where we see the finale of Attack of the

Chad: Crab Monster and the words the end, making

Chad: it the second time in this film that the

Chad: filmmakers gave us the viewing audience and

Chad: out to turn off this movie or leave the

Chad: theater and go about our more productive

Chad: lives.

Bo: But we didn't know.

Bo: And then we cut over chat to legendary B

Bo: movie sable, Dick Miller.

Chad: He was in Heart Beeps.

Chad: This is a heartbeaps reunion though it kind

Chad: of is.

Chad: You're right.

Chad: We got Crime Buster Junior and we got those

Chad: racist weirdos through a house party in

Chad: Heart Beeps and we got Dick Miller.

Bo: It's practically Heart Beeps too, and,

Bo: honestly, a hundred percent more

Bo: entertaining.

Bo: It's a prequel to Heart Beeps.

Bo: This is how that couple rose to prominence

Bo: and got that fancy house.

Chad: That's right, and it's also how they

Chad: recognize the robots.

Bo: That's it.

Chad: Dick Miller.

Chad: He's a janitor in this and he's mopping the

Chad: floor of the mall with a liquid that

Chad: appears to be spoiled chocolate milk.

Bo: Yes, some other janitors roll up on them

Bo: and they give him some shit about a thing.

Chad: They're drinking, bo, they're drinking

Chad: beers walking around the mall, I was like

Chad: is that what happens when the mall closed?

Chad: Then what happened when I worked at the

Chad: mall?

Chad: Just, people are having orgies in the

Chad: furniture store and the janitors walk

Chad: around.

Bo: Mold janitors are their own breed man.

Bo: They are the greasers of the mall just

Bo: living on by their own rules.

Bo: One time I was hanging out, you might have

Bo: been part of this.

Chad: I was hanging out with you, or our friend

Chad: Ben, the one who stole stuff all the time.

Chad: Somewhere I don't know where these came

Chad: from, but somebody had a handful of

Chad: pornographic magazines and we're like 16,

Chad: 17.

Chad: I was like what can we do with these?

Chad: It'd be pretty entertaining.

Chad: So we tore out the centerfolds from them

Chad: and we went to the mall I tell this story

Chad: because I feel sorry for the janitors who

Chad: had to take care of what's going to happen

Chad: and we went into the public bathrooms and

Chad: we took the centerfolds and we creased them

Chad: up the middle and set them up on the back

Chad: of the toilet.

Chad: Were you part of?

Bo: this shenanigan?

Bo: I don't think so.

Chad: And we set them up on the back of the

Chad: toilet.

Chad: But before we did all of that, we went into

Chad: the makeup section of a larger department

Chad: store and we filled up our hands with white

Chad: lotion and took it all in and then we

Chad: proceeded to just spider web this white

Chad: lotion all over these centerfolds in the

Chad: toilets, propped up and then left and just

Chad: laughed our asses.

Bo: It's funny, because like lotion really

Bo: looks.

Bo: Nothing like cum.

Bo: My.

Bo: God, maybe you're doing it wrong, I don't

Bo: know.

Bo: It's more red because of the blood Wait.

Chad: It's pink.

Bo: Right, it's got to kind of a pinkish frothy

Bo: quality.

Chad: And then, and you know what happened the

Chad: very next day, when I looked at the

Chad: headline of the local newspaper in our

Chad: hometown it read Bull milkers strike again

Chad: at local mall bull milkers terrorizing

Chad: society for the past 40 years.

Bo: The janitors are giving some shit about

Bo: getting locked in the mall overnight at one

Bo: point or something.

Bo: Yeah, again, it's like this tease of a

Bo: backstory that is unnecessary and not

Bo: filled in enough, so you're just left

Bo: wondering like so what happened to Dick

Bo: Miller.

Chad: He got locked in the mall and they had to

Chad: let him out the next day or something.

Chad: I don't know.

Bo: There's a whole movie that we just don't

Bo: ever see.

Bo: About this, it's like home alone.

Chad: just less entertaining, it's the draft

Chad: script of career opportunities involving

Chad: Dick Miller running around a mall screaming

Chad: hello, can you get me out of here?

Bo: I don't have my medication or the first

Bo: draft of die hard, like we have no idea it

Bo: could have been anything.

Bo: And he says, yeah, I'll be out of here at

Bo: 10 minutes, don't you worry about it.

Bo: And they're trucking off and he's just

Bo: seething and muttering to himself, as I

Bo: assume Dick Miller did a lot in real life.

Chad: And then a killbot rolls up, knocks over

Chad: the mop and bucket full of thick brown

Chad: liquid and the killbot says may I see your

Chad: identification badge please Like?

Chad: Oh, such polite killbots, your parents

Chad: would be so proud.

Chad: And then Dick Miller before he can show his

Chad: badge, the robot fires a wire into the mop

Chad: water and then it electrocutes Dick Miller

Chad: to death.

Bo: At first it just knocks the bucket over,

Bo: now he bumps.

Chad: He bumps into the bucket and then it fires

Chad: the electrodes Right.

Bo: So it kind of sets up the whole thing.

Bo: But before it fires the electrode, Dick

Bo: Miller is giving it some shit for like, oh,

Bo: you knocked over that bucket, Stupid robot

Bo: can't do nothing.

Bo: And then it fires the thing and just zaps

Bo: him and he collapses like smoke curling out

Bo: of his mouth, which leads to a visual gag

Bo: of Leslie back in the furniture fuck store

Bo: saying boy, I sure could use a smoke.

Chad: I guess I didn't catch that either time I

Chad: watch this, but I'm proud of myself for

Chad: saying that.

Chad: Mike the douchebag is then sent down to go

Chad: buy her some cigarettes from the vending

Chad: machine, but before he leaves, leslie says

Chad: oh, mike, hurry back.

Chad: And she pulls the covers down, exposing her

Chad: breast, which, by the way, during this

Chad: whole scene, mike the douchebag was topless

Chad: as well.

Chad: As I mentioned earlier, there's a lot of

Chad: nipples in this movie, you know.

Bo: I feel like they just got done fucking and

Bo: her just showing a breast.

Bo: Is it the inspiration that I think she

Bo: thinks?

Chad: it is.

Chad: I think he left because he didn't want to

Chad: sit there and listen to her.

Bo: Yeah, Well, and he tells her like hey,

Bo: there's a pack of camels by the register

Bo: and she's like you know, I only smoked

Bo: Virgin lights.

Bo: He's like, ah, Christ, all right.

Bo: So he grabs his badge, just in case he runs

Bo: into a kill, and he finds the cigarette

Bo: machine which, by the way, a buck 25 for a

Bo: pack of smokes in 1986, chad, that an eight

Bo: year old could purchase that a five year

Bo: old could purchase.

Bo: Nobody was looking, nobody cared.

Chad: Oh, those were the days, man I found a pack

Chad: of candy cigarettes in a store not too long

Chad: ago.

Chad: I bought them, gave me my kid smoke up.

Bo: He's like this looks terrible.

Bo: Well, how about these?

Bo: It's real cigarettes.

Bo: Try that.

Chad: He's by the cigarette machine and then a

Chad: payphone behind him rings and Mike answers

Chad: it and he says no, Jamal, there are no

Chad: messages for you.

Chad: And he hangs up and all I could think was

Chad: what was the other part of this

Chad: conversation?

Chad: Hi, this is Jamal.

Chad: Are there any messages for me?

Bo: Oh, thanks, Click another movie that is

Bo: happening outside the borders of the movie

Bo: we're watching that.

Bo: I am kind of curious about the Dick Miller

Bo: movie.

Chad: Whatever's going on with Kilbot control

Chad: room like a real Rosencrantz and

Chad: Guildenstern, like it's some sort of

Chad: anthology that's just dancing around the

Chad: fringes of this particular film.

Bo: Who is Jamal?

Bo: Why does he have this guy's number?

Bo: It's all told out of order.

Bo: Like Pulp Fiction, you just cut back to

Bo: John Travolta sitting on a toilet in the

Bo: mall bathroom.

Bo: You're like wait a second.

Bo: What's going on again?

Bo: I thought he was already dead.

Bo: Any of you fucking Kilbot smooth?

Bo: I'll accept it.

Bo: Cute.

Bo: Every last mother fucking one of you.

Chad: So after he hangs up the phone, a Kilbot

Chad: rolls up and says show me your

Chad: identification.

Chad: And Mike pulls out his ID and shows it to

Chad: the Kilbot and he says flat two correct and

Chad: not two.

Chad: And it's this jumbled reference to the day

Chad: the earth stood still.

Chad: And then the Kilbot just shoots Mike with a

Chad: sleeping dart.

Chad: It's real.

Chad: Oh, there comes the day.

Chad: And then out comes the claw.

Chad: So you're like oh, mike's eating it.

Chad: Leslie decides to get up and put on a shirt

Chad: and she walks out into the mall and she's

Chad: shouting out for Mike.

Chad: She's like Mike, mike, mike the douchebag,

Chad: are you there?

Chad: And then the movie cuts back to Ferdy the

Chad: Nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and

Chad: they're still on couch watching TV while

Chad: Rick and Linda continue to have sex in the

Chad: bed behind them.

Chad: And Ferdy's like what's up with these two?

Chad: All they do is fight and have sex.

Chad: Like when were they fighting?

Bo: Somewhere around the time that Vincent Vega

Bo: was taken.

Bo: Uma Thurman out on the date.

Chad: And then Allison says to Ferdy, thanks for

Chad: not trying to have sex with me, you're one

Chad: of the good ones.

Bo: No, I'm just homosexual, that's okay.

Bo: I feel like you don't know what that means.

Bo: Of course, you do you silly, so do you want

Bo: to blow job?

Bo: Or no, no, no, you don't understand I.

Bo: I'm just not attracted to women, because

Bo: I'm not attracted to women either.

Chad: We have a lot in common.

Bo: How about I just sit on your lap and wiggle

Bo: around and see what happens?

Bo: Nothing, nothing is going to happen.

Bo: You're silly.

Chad: Anyway, we come back to Leslie, who's going

Chad: to the cigarette machine and she's wearing

Chad: her Playboy Bunny brand panties with the

Chad: little Playboy Bunny ears on the ass.

Bo: She goes to the cigarette machine.

Bo: Doesn't see that Mike is just leaning

Bo: against the wall on the other side of said

Bo: cigarette machine?

Chad: Yeah, his legs are sticking out in the

Chad: light.

Bo: I mean, these are clearly Mike shaped legs

Bo: and finally she notices she's like oh my

Bo: God, Mike, and she pulls him forward and

Bo: she sees that his neck is slit and starts

Bo: pumping blood out.

Chad: She takes off running and in a killbot

Chad: shows up and gives chase, not even giving

Chad: her a chance to show her ID, and this

Chad: killbot bow starts firing pink Star Wars

Chad: brand laser beams at her, but it's Star

Chad: Wars stormtrooper level accuracy.

Bo: Well, it's moving, you know that's fair,

Bo: and so is she.

Chad: So, yeah, that's that's hard, but it does

Chad: shoot her in the ass, which is pretty down

Chad: she goes, but she makes it back to

Chad: Furniture King as all of her sex loving

Chad: peers look out the front window and bow.

Chad: What happens next.

Bo: This thing fires a laser beam at her head

Bo: and it explodes like a watermelon with an

Bo: M80 shoved in it.

Bo: It is pretty great.

Chad: It's like scanners, I mean yeah, when

Chad: you're watching this movie because nothing

Chad: like this has happened so far it kind of

Chad: feels like a modern day PG 13 film like, oh,

Chad: they're going to pull their punches in her

Chad: head, boom.

Bo: Just blows up.

Bo: It's pretty good.

Bo: And then we see another killbot coming down

Bo: the hallway and everybody in the furniture

Bo: store is freaking out.

Bo: They blast through the glass doors and just

Bo: start shooting up the place.

Chad: I like that the second killbot blasts blue

Chad: Star Wars brand laser beams and the first

Chad: one has pink colored Star Wars brand laser

Chad: beams when they're shooting them around.

Chad: That you could hire these killbots for a

Chad: gender reveal party, like, if they shoot a

Chad: pink laser and you kill somebody, it's a

Chad: girl.

Chad: If they shoot a blue laser and they kill

Chad: somebody, it's a boy.

Chad: Isn't that fun?

Bo: And it would be about as safe as your

Bo: regular gender reveal party.

Bo: We only had one exploding head in this

Bo: gender reveal party, not a wildfire that

Bo: displaced thousands.

Chad: I listened to a podcast called the Decoder

Chad: Ring and they tell the secret history of

Chad: things and why they happened.

Chad: And they did one on gender reveal parties

Chad: and it all started with a single patient

Chad: zero of a woman who made a cake and did a

Chad: gender reveal at her home and it was

Chad: published in this soon to be mommy magazine

Chad: that was subscribed to by pretty much every

Chad: obstetrician's office in America.

Chad: And they did this one little feature story

Chad: and because every mom to be read about it,

Chad: it just took off no pun intended like

Chad: wildfire.

Chad: And the interview with the woman she was

Chad: just like I regret ever doing that.

Chad: She's like this is all my fault, the more

Chad: you know.

Bo: Sort of like the guy who invented the

Bo: shopping mall of like.

Bo: I unreservedly reject the fact that I

Bo: invented this.

Bo: I fucked up.

Bo: I am so sorry.

Bo: Yes, my bad.

Bo: I was trying to do something good and I

Bo: fucked up.

Bo: Isn't that how most things go?

Bo: That is the title of my autobiography.

Bo: I was trying to do the right thing and I

Bo: fucked up.

Bo: I was telling a kid today at school because

Bo: I mold young mindshad.

Bo: They were like man, I keep trying to do

Bo: good and I always get my own way.

Bo: First of all, that's good self-awareness.

Bo: Second of all, welcome to life where you're

Bo: just constantly trying to do the right

Bo: thing and do good and you just end up

Bo: fucking it up for yourself.

Bo: I mean, I put it slightly less profane than

Bo: that.

Bo: But I told him like hey, that is 100% the

Bo: rest of your days.

Bo: Get used to that feeling.

Chad: Back in our movie the Killbots.

Chad: They blast through the front doors of

Chad: furniture King and everybody.

Chad: Inside are remaining six living humans.

Chad: They all rush to the back room.

Chad: It appears that they're safe for a moment,

Chad: and then Ferdy tries to call for help.

Chad: But doesn't he know that phones don't work

Chad: in horror movies?

Chad: No, that's not going to happen.

Chad: So then suddenly it's midnight and the

Chad: whole mall goes on lockdown as the metal

Chad: doors closed on this facility.

Chad: And I thought I can end this movie right

Chad: now.

Chad: Just start pulling fire alarms.

Bo: That's a great idea, and you're done.

Chad: The phones don't work.

Chad: Yeah, keep pulling fire alarms.

Bo: They'll show up, but instead Chad.

Bo: What happens is that Allison is like hey,

Bo: how about we all get up in this air duct?

Bo: And the plan is, chad, we're going to climb

Bo: through the air ducts, take that to the

Bo: parking level and get in the cars and get

Bo: out of there, which isn't the worst idea or

Bo: fire alarms.

Chad: But are the fire alarms in the air duct?

Chad: We'll go find them All right, have at it,

Chad: ladies.

Bo: Also the kill box shed, who are outfitted

Bo: with some sort of plastic explosive.

Bo: Yes are about to blow open the door.

Bo: Apparently, that's just a bonus you get if

Bo: you order three.

Bo: Yeah, you also get the plastic explosives.

Bo: You got the security door.

Chad: You got the three kill box.

Chad: Now you got an option.

Chad: Do you want different colored lasers?

Chad: No upcharge.

Chad: Yes, pink and blue.

Chad: Got it All right.

Chad: Now another question Do you want focused

Chad: laser functionality, a lot like what you

Chad: see in your supermans that have?

Chad: That's a yes.

Chad: With that you're also going to get the

Chad: plastic explosive squirts.

Chad: A tiny little of dollop, kind of looks like

Chad: somebody milked a bull.

Chad: Then they fill it up with a long wire,

Chad: knocks down a door.

Bo: Aren't they try to prevent doors from being

Bo: knocked down?

Bo: And you're viewing this the wrong way.

Chad: A criminal taken off the streets is a

Chad: criminal that is not on the streets.

Chad: They're not called kill bots on accident.

Chad: We sell them is that?

Chad: They're just going to patrol and call the

Chad: cops?

Chad: They're going to murder everybody.

Bo: I don't know why I would want it, then why

Bo: wouldn't you?

Chad: want it.

Bo: Because we have just regular people come to

Bo: the mall, have you ever seen someone killed

Bo: in front of you?

Chad: and then you get a murder boner.

Chad: It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Bo: I love other brochure.

Bo: They've got bullet points of why you should

Bo: pop these killbots, additional security

Bo: security doors if you buy two multicolored

Bo: lasers murder psychological aphrodisiac.

Chad: What does that mean?

Chad: Oh, you'll find out, buddy.

Chad: You want these things in action.

Chad: Man, it's going to be high noon.

Chad: You know what I'm saying.

Bo: Oh my God, I love it so much.

Chad: It's also crazy how close we are to the end

Chad: of this movie.

Chad: It's almost over.

Bo: So the guys end up having to run while the

Bo: girls are in the ducks because the killbots

Bo: blow their way into the place.

Chad: Jesus, it's the killbots.

Bo: Feets don't fail me now and the girls are

Bo: starting to really sweat it out in the

Bo: vents and Suzy is having a good old

Bo: fashioned freak out in there.

Bo: Where he's like oh my God, my boyfriend

Bo: needs me.

Bo: And they're like Suzy, what the fuck are

Bo: you talking about?

Bo: We're almost out of here.

Bo: All we got to do is keep going and we're

Bo: going to get out of here.

Bo: Oh man, those robots must turn on the heat.

Bo: They know we're in here.

Bo: Yeah, Suzy, shut the fuck up, William.

Chad: Chill out, baby, chill out, all right, be

Chad: cool, be cool.

Chad: Be cool like Fonzie.

Chad: What's Fonzie?

Bo: like Suzy.

Bo: Cool correct.

Bo: A.

Bo: Mundo.

Bo: Meanwhile, the guys are hoofing it to Peck

Bo: and Paw Sporting Goods.

Bo: I get it for guns.

Chad: See Heston Second Amendment.

Bo: Emporium Right Hunter S Thompson shopping

Bo: mall.

Chad: It's very subtle and so they end up having

Chad: to bust the glass to get in in this place

Chad: is just ceiling to floor with automatic

Chad: weapons and shotguns, ammunition all open

Chad: to the public, like you can just take it

Chad: off the shelf, load it up and start

Chad: murdering people.

Chad: Like from a modern perspective, it is

Chad: shocking that there are this many guns and

Chad: bullets.

Chad: But what's even more shocking is this was

Chad: probably pretty accurate.

Bo: Absolutely.

Bo: I also like the fact that there are several

Bo: propane tanks that you can use, because you

Bo: know why would you want a gun without an

Bo: explosive of some kind?

Chad: This feels like a level of from Left 4 Dead

Chad: 2.

Chad: Yes, you know, chopping mall like oh, I get

Chad: it.

Chad: So it's zombies and robots Interesting.

Bo: And so Rick is like we're going to send

Bo: those fuckers a Rambo Graham.

Bo: And you're like, oh right, 80s, Of course

Bo: everybody had a Rambo joke.

Chad: How awesome would it be to get a Rambo

Chad: Graham when?

Speaker 3: he's like I heard it was your birthday,

Speaker 3: another day older.

Speaker 3: I want you to know that death is coming and

Speaker 3: there's nothing you can do.

Speaker 3: Maybe you're wondering do you get to win

Speaker 3: this time?

Speaker 3: Yeah, they drew first, but will you get to

Speaker 3: win this time?

Speaker 3: Happy birthday, jeanette.

Bo: All right, do you get to make a wish this

Bo: time?

Bo: Yeah, you do, because it's your birthday.

Speaker 3: Let's just remember to survive a birthday.

Speaker 3: You got to become a birthday.

Speaker 3: I don't know what that means, but a happy

Speaker 3: birthday, deborah, all right.

Bo: Then Richard Crita shows up in the corner.

Bo: He's a birthday machine.

Bo: We made him that way.

Chad: You ever go to cameo and look at how much

Chad: celebrities are hawking their whatever

Chad: broader personality and voice and whatever

Chad: to people?

Chad: Not one time Chad.

Chad: It's an awesome game.

Chad: You got to go in, get somebody you know and

Chad: love and you just start throwing out names

Chad: and figuring out how much they charge for a

Chad: cameo.

Bo: Although I've never been on the website

Bo: cameo once, and I'm not.

Bo: That's not saying that there's anything

Bo: wrong with it.

Bo: I should.

Bo: I just never have.

Bo: But someone I know got a cameo from the

Bo: kids in the halls Kevin McDonald, uh-huh,

Bo: and it was fucking epic.

Bo: Kevin McDonald went all in on it.

Bo: It wasn't just a I'm going through the

Bo: motions, he went full Kevin McDonald on it

Bo: and it was a thing of beauty.

Chad: But you're recording like a minute.

Chad: Oh here, all right, right now ready.

Chad: Dean Norris from Breaking Bad Uh-huh.

Chad: How much is he charging for a cameo?

Chad: Do you think a hundred bucks, 200 bucks?

Chad: Okay, all right.

Chad: John O'Hurley from Seinfeld and some game

Chad: shows and, I'm sure, something else.

Bo: What's he charged?

Bo: Oh okay, All right.

Bo: John O'Hurley 150 bucks, 200 bucks.

Chad: Fred Stoller.

Chad: Remember Fred Stoller, the state of

Chad: comedian.

Chad: What's he charging?

Bo: 250, 35 bucks.

Bo: What you can't afford.

Bo: Not to get a cameo from Fred Stoller at

Bo: those prices.

Chad: It is one of the best games ever to go

Chad: through and just look at these people and

Chad: to see like who is so not desperate for

Chad: cash.

Chad: I get it Like this is doing Comic-cons

Chad: without having to go anywhere.

Chad: Joel McHale 250 bucks is the going rate

Chad: right now.

Chad: What?

Chad: Yeah, that's not terrible.

Chad: The guy who played one of those twins,

Chad: lewis Moncada I don't know which one of the

Chad: twins he was he's a hundred bucks to wish

Chad: people a happy birthday.

Chad: Dave Foley is charging a hundred bucks from

Chad: the kids in the hall.

Chad: I saw him do one where he did the full

Chad: soliloquy of being the worst doctor in the

Chad: world.

Chad: That's fantastic.

Chad: When I search for Dave Foley, mick Foley,

Chad: professional wrestler, came up.

Chad: His is a hundred and forty nine bucks.

Chad: It's crazy man.

Chad: It's a blast to go through and play.

Chad: Who costs more this person?

Chad: That person Is Henry Rollins on there.

Bo: There's no way but hold on.

Bo: No, all right, that makes sense.

Bo: I don't know why he would ever do that, but

Bo: I would also love I can't imagine that he

Bo: would do it.

Chad: The most expensive cameos that are out

Chad: there right now Kevin O'Leary, the guy from

Chad: Shark Tank.

Chad: He wants $1,500.

Bo: Oh go fuck yourself, Okay yeah.

Chad: He took the words out of my mouth on that.

Chad: There's a bunch of iced tea.

Chad: He wants 600 bucks.

Chad: Nope, robert England, 500 bucks.

Bo: I get that one.

Chad: Don Johnson 500 bucks.

Chad: No, it's crazy man, but the bad thing is is

Chad: that once you go to cameo and you noodle

Chad: around for a little bit, all of your social

Chad: media and targeted advertising across

Chad: websites is going to be 100 percent cameo

Chad: for the next six months.

Bo: Yeah, that's fine, you're going to use that

Bo: money on bullshit anyway.

Bo: Why not get Eric Roberts to tell you what a

Bo: good job you're doing?

Bo: That's why I need Kevin McDonald is I just

Bo: need Kevin McDonald to give me a pep talk,

Bo: and whatever he's charging, it ain't enough.

Bo: And then every time I'm feeling a little

Bo: blue, chad right, you know, you're an evil.

Chad: Evil Y boy right or just like.

Chad: Hey man, I know you've had a really rough

Chad: time your illness and your family having

Chad: financial problems but I got you a two

Chad: minute video recording of Ernie Hudson

Chad: doling out some pearls of wisdom.

Bo: Great, great.

Bo: He's the best Ghostbuster, but he didn't do

Bo: nothing.

Bo: But he's still Ghostbuster.

Bo: Let's finish this.

Chad: Oh yeah, yeah.

Chad: They're all strapped up with guns and ammo.

Chad: They've got like crisscross ammunition on

Chad: their chest.

Chad: It's all ridiculous.

Bo: Just firing bullets wildly into the air,

Bo: chad.

Bo: That's how they draw the attention of the

Bo: killbots.

Bo: And sure enough, one comes around the

Bo: corner and they get in a good old fashioned

Bo: gunfight.

Bo: Where it's shooting lasers, they're

Bo: shooting bullets.

Chad: The bullets don't really have much of an

Chad: effect.

Bo: They throw a propane tank at it, yeah, and

Bo: then they shoot that and the thing goes up

Bo: like a Roman fucking candle, yeah, and

Bo: you're like, oh, that's one down, two to go,

Bo: but don't get so confident.

Bo: But first we got to cut back to the beds,

Bo: where Susie is still freaking out is like

Bo: Greg needs me and they're like Susie, would

Bo: you shut?

Chad: the fuck up.

Chad: That's it, I'm leaving.

Chad: And so she just kicks through an air vent

Chad: and drops down into one of the stores, and

Chad: Allison and Linda they follow suit.

Bo: It turns out they're in a Sherman Williams,

Bo: I'm guessing paint store, and then the guys

Bo: decide, hey, we need to go get somewhere

Bo: those propane tanks that worked pretty good,

Bo: we need some propane or some butans.

Bo: One of them and Greg's like wait, I've got

Bo: an awful, evil, wonderful idea.

Bo: While he's taken off, susie is determined

Bo: to go find the guys and the girls decided

Bo: like well, we're going to arm up to yeah.

Bo: And so they're grabbing anything that they

Bo: can use for a weapon.

Bo: And then you see Chad, one of the kill bots,

Bo: just kind of backs into this little alcove

Bo: and powers down like he, he, he, they'll

Bo: never.

Bo: So while that thing's hiding, the guys are

Bo: trying to pry open this elevator.

Chad: Yeah, it's a stuck elevator.

Chad: I'm like what's your plan here?

Chad: To get inside and be trapped?

Bo: We'll get to that.

Bo: And then nerdy Ferdy is like hey guys, do

Bo: you think that the kill bots can read our

Bo: minds?

Bo: And they're like what?

Bo: No, what are you talking about?

Bo: He's like I don't know.

Bo: I guess they could just do lots of stuff,

Bo: and I was wondering if they could do that

Bo: too.

Bo: But you just shut up.

Bo: You're not helping anything.

Bo: Linda then shows them how to make some

Bo: Molotov cocktails out of gas containers and

Bo: rags, which seems self-evident to me, but

Bo: everyone seems real surprised.

Bo: Like a combination of gasoline and rags.

Chad: Huh, I like that these gas cans are full of

Chad: gasoline and on the store shelf of a mall,

Chad: yeah Well this is the same.

Bo: All that has like fully armed M16s and

Bo: explosives.

Bo: Allison stashes a road flare down her shirt

Bo: in the midst of all this, which will come

Bo: into play later.

Chad: At least the movie's phoning that in and I

Chad: was like what is the name of this store?

Chad: Like Pyromaniacs are us, yeah.

Chad: And when she tucks it into her bra you're

Chad: like, oh OK, I get it, we're going to.

Chad: And I just want to say this reminded me a

Chad: little bit of that first toy story, but I

Chad: absolutely adore that movie.

Chad: And when Woody takes the matchstick and

Chad: puts it into his pistol holster and you're

Chad: like, oh, he's going to use it at the end

Chad: of the movie.

Chad: And when he strikes it to light, that

Chad: rocket and that car immediately blows it

Chad: out.

Chad: It's such great writing, it's such a head

Chad: fake to lead you down this alleyway and

Chad: then to just sucker punch you in a

Chad: direction you don't see coming.

Chad: I adore that.

Chad: It's pretty good, original toy story, good

Chad: movie and I will happily debate that.

Chad: I think Toy Story 2 is a superior film.

Bo: Hmm, it's good, it's good.

Bo: I think the whole original trilogy is quite

Bo: good.

Chad: I saw that fourth one.

Chad: I don't remember anything about it.

Bo: As far as I'm concerned, Toy Story ends

Bo: with all of those toys holding hands and

Bo: writing that shoot down into hell.

Bo: That is where the movie ends for me.

Bo: I stop it right there.

Chad: You just turned it off and you're like well,

Chad: there we go.

Bo: That is the end of the toys, and a fitting

Bo: end.

Bo: They all told each other how they felt

Bo: about each other.

Bo: They had some closure in their

Bo: relationships and then they all died, and

Bo: that's fine.

Chad: My son came to me and asked me what would

Chad: happen if you left a crucifix with the Toy

Chad: Story toys.

Chad: I was like I don't know.

Bo: That's interesting.

Bo: You're going to walk in and it's going to

Bo: be upside down.

Bo: That's for begin season.

Chad: I'm sure he read these online.

Chad: He came to me and he said if one of the Toy

Chad: Story toys died, and then Andy comes in,

Chad: like is he just playing with a corpse?

Chad: Like do they get rid of it?

Chad: You're all about valid questions.

Chad: I like where his head's at and you know

Chad: what.

Chad: Like father likes son, what happens if you

Chad: take one of those real dolls and throw it

Chad: in the Toy Story?

Bo: room.

Bo: Well, it's a pregnant.

Chad: It has a Mr Potato Head son I read a story

Chad: on the internet the other day about this

Chad: guy who came into a house and he was an EMT

Chad: or something like that, because a dude had

Chad: died in the house and they took out his

Chad: corpse because they knew he was dead

Chad: because of the stink, I'm sure.

Chad: But then the guy who was the EMT or the

Chad: cleaner or whatever, he eyed a real doll in

Chad: the house and he got arrested trying to

Chad: break into the house not once but twice to

Chad: steal this real doll.

Chad: And he did steal it and I'm sure he had sex

Chad: with it.

Chad: But I was like you know what.

Chad: He came up with a plan and he executed on

Chad: it.

Chad: Good for you, perverted weirdo.

Bo: Oh, back in the movie Chad, the kill-bot

Bo: that we thought was blowed up.

Bo: Not blew it up at all, it just gets itself

Bo: back up and is like, oh boy, that sucked.

Bo: Where are those punks?

Chad: It's like every car in Grand Theft Auto

Chad: Just wiggle your stick left and right and

Chad: suddenly we went from being flipped over to

Chad: back on our wheels.

Bo: Ferdy the nerd ends up wiring the elevator

Bo: to work while Greg and Rick are making more

Bo: bombs from these propane tanks.

Bo: But even though he's got it working, he

Bo: can't get it to go up or down, but he can

Bo: open and close the doors of the elevator,

Bo: which seems like a real half measure to me.

Chad: Sure, that's not what we need it to do, but

Chad: go on.

Bo: The girls are going to find the guys and

Bo: the kill-bot that was hiding out,

Bo: hee-hee-hee, comes out of the alcove.

Bo: Susie screams and it goes chasing after her.

Bo: The guys hear this, but while they're

Bo: coming to see what the ruckus is, allison

Bo: tosses one of her Molotov cocktails, but

Bo: the robot just drives through and starts

Bo: firing its lasers again, and so the guys

Bo: are kind of chasing after the sounds of the

Bo: screams, and then Susie falls and, rather

Bo: than even remotely attempt to get up right,

Bo: just lies there and is like no, no, please

Bo: don't shoot the gas can in my hand, which

Bo: is, of course, exactly what the kill-bot

Bo: does, yeah.

Bo: And then Susie is mysteriously replaced by

Bo: a stuntman on fire, yes, who tries to get

Bo: up, and it's kind of gruesome, though, like

Bo: the fact that you see ostensibly Susie,

Bo: although this looks nothing like Susie.

Chad: It's like a 250 pound man who's working for

Chad: scale and a sandwich.

Bo: It's like me in a burn suit.

Bo: Just like slowly get up like oh Christ.

Bo: Oh boy my back will help here.

Bo: We're knocking off for lunch, after this

Bo: right, the cupcakes for anybody.

Bo: Were you concerned that?

Chad: the mall is now on fire.

Chad: I mean, earlier I was talking about pulling

Chad: fire alarms for funsies and to keep you

Chad: alive.

Chad: Here there is a full blown ring of fire six

Chad: to 10 feet across, burning this carpet that

Chad: is completely made of combustible materials

Chad: and a burning corpse beside it.

Bo: Well, I wasn't as worried because ground

Bo: chewing gum just shoved into a carpet

Bo: doesn't burn.

Bo: It's actually flame retardant and so, given

Bo: the amount of just trash and gum and snot

Bo: and semen like all just soaked into this

Bo: carpet, it's not going to burn for long,

Bo: it's going to burn itself out pretty fast.

Chad: For what it's worth it's flame.

Chad: Special needs.

Chad: Oh, I'm sorry.

Chad: Please try to keep up with the times.

Bo: Right, I come from a different generation,

Bo: chad.

Bo: You're right.

Bo: You're right and honestly, I'm glad you

Bo: said something because I want to learn, I

Bo: want to be better.

Chad: I know you do.

Chad: I know you're always working on you,

Chad: because if you're not working on you, how

Chad: are you going to be able to help other

Chad: people work on themselves?

Chad: 100% yeah.

Chad: What are we talking about here?

Bo: Oh, yeah, so now we're down to five.

Bo: Susie dies horribly.

Bo: As far as deaths in this movie go, it's the

Bo: head kidding blown off, mm.

Bo: Hmm, but that's quick.

Bo: This one's slower because you hear

Bo: screaming for a while and it's pretty

Bo: gruesome, and the guys show up, pop off

Bo: some shots and then they finally just start

Bo: running again because the killbots are just

Bo: firing lasers left and right.

Chad: But they do.

Chad: 80s action hero running gun style.

Chad: Yeah, like it's run, run, run, run and then

Chad: turn around like with one arm and like

Chad: Right.

Bo: Yeah, linda, ferdy and Allison are on the

Bo: second level and they lure one of the

Bo: killbots chasing them into the elevator,

Bo: which the guys end up closing the doors

Bo: using their wiring rig, and then Rick pumps

Bo: the elevator with propane, leaps to the

Bo: second floor and the folks on the top floor

Bo: start shooting, but it's Allison who ends

Bo: up having to like, give me that with one of

Bo: the guns.

Bo: Yeah.

Bo: And shoots the tank, which explodes,

Bo: sending it hurtling the elevator as a whole,

Bo: hurtling down the shaft and, one presumes,

Bo: killing the killbot or at least putting it

Bo: in the garage.

Chad: Right or on a level that doesn't have an

Chad: escalator, can ride up stairs.

Chad: The kryptonite of killbots.

Bo: Everyone looks at Allison.

Bo: She's like my dad's Marine what do you want

Bo: me to say?

Bo: And they're like I don't know, but that

Bo: sounds like another movie I would like to

Bo: see, based on half uttered phrases in this

Bo: movie that allude to something more

Bo: interesting outside the frame.

Chad: The team goes back to the restaurant where

Chad: Allison and the late smoldering Susie were,

Chad: where Susie used to work, and Greg is

Chad: drinking another beer, trying to forget the

Chad: smell of his one true love melting into

Chad: that carpet.

Chad: And then Rick and Linda they're at a table

Chad: contemplating life and Linda says according

Chad: to my calculations, provided we survive the

Chad: night, we're going to be in hack to this

Chad: place for the next 85 years.

Chad: Does Linda think they're going to have to

Chad: pay for all the damage they've done?

Bo: What a dummy Rick says well, we're going to

Bo: have to raise our rates and all of this

Bo: makes no sense.

Bo: Like the mall is on the hook to you.

Chad: Right.

Bo: Like you are the one who is about to get a

Bo: really sweet payday.

Bo: Like, if you can survive the killbots, you

Bo: are never going to work another day in your

Bo: life.

Chad: Greg, who's a little drunk.

Chad: He's like why did you leave the air vents?

Chad: You're safe there.

Chad: And Allison's like whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chad: Gregorino, this was Susie's idea to leave.

Chad: Plus, she kept filling up the air vents

Chad: with her post sex farts.

Chad: She told me that she holds them in when you

Chad: do do it and she lets them out afterwards

Chad: and they're rancid.

Chad: She once told me her sex farts made her

Chad: throw up.

Bo: It smelled like eggs, but not real eggs

Bo: like those egg products that some people

Bo: use.

Bo: That's what it smelled like only rotten.

Chad: I know what they smell like.

Chad: She thought she was hiding under the covers,

Chad: but I can always smell it.

Bo: And also it was her dumb idea to come out

Bo: of the vids of the first place.

Bo: Greg, we would be in the parking lot and

Bo: away from here with the police on the way,

Bo: if it weren't for Susie freaking out dummy

Bo: because of you, greg 30 times in.

Chad: Hey guys, wait a minute.

Chad: The master computer is on the third level.

Chad: If we shut that down, it'll shut down the

Chad: killbots, according to the screenplay.

Chad: And then Greg, he's all licked up and he's

Chad: like a computer.

Chad: Let's go crash the fucker worth pointing

Chad: out.

Bo: They only think there's one killbot left

Bo: because they're not aware that the second

Bo: one has gotten up yet.

Chad: I'm glad you brought that up, because that

Chad: doesn't matter, doesn't?

Chad: It's not like they kill the next one.

Chad: They're like shoot, we're safe.

Chad: And then another one shows up, just two

Chad: more show up, and they're like well, how

Chad: about this?

Chad: They don't know that there are three total,

Chad: maybe there's, maybe there's 25.

Bo: Yeah, well, maybe because, chad, they saw

Bo: the colored lasers, they were like, okay,

Bo: they bought three because that's the three

Bo: package, right, and also I saw Dick Miller

Bo: with a murder boner.

Bo: So it's definitely the three killbot

Bo: package.

Chad: So the four remaining characters?

Chad: Is it four or five?

Chad: What do we have?

Bo: It was Greg Ferdy Allison and then Linda

Bo: and Rick.

Bo: Yeah, it is five, you're right.

Chad: They take off running through the mall and

Chad: the killbots give chase.

Chad: The team goes and hides in a women's

Chad: clothing store that has a metal door that

Chad: comes down like it's some Czech cashing

Chad: place in a questionable neighborhood.

Chad: And then the killbots start using their

Chad: Superman laser beams to cut through the

Chad: metal.

Chad: And then our final characters they're

Chad: inside arguing over whether or not they

Chad: should split up, which they probably

Chad: shouldn't.

Chad: But then they all immediately apologize and

Chad: say you know what, guys, it's been a

Chad: stressful day, with all the drinking and

Chad: exhibition, is sex, and now the killbots.

Chad: Plus, we saw one of our friends set on fire

Chad: and another friend bounced off the ground.

Chad: Oh wait, was Greg still alive?

Chad: No, greg gets knocked off the ledge by a

Chad: killbot and he got off the ground.

Chad: That's right.

Chad: So Greg's gone and he leaves the movie

Chad: pretty quick, as noted by the fact that I

Chad: just forgot that it happened.

Bo: So Kelly gets hit in the arm also by a

Bo: laser before they bring the shuttered out.

Bo: Yeah, you're right.

Chad: Are they wondering where Mike and Leslie

Chad: are at all?

Chad: Are they just assuming that they're dead?

Chad: They saw Leslie's head explode, but they

Chad: don't know where Mike is.

Bo: I guess they assume that Mike died in the

Bo: first place, or maybe they just don't care

Bo: for Mike very much.

Chad: I could see that Mike is a real douchebag.

Bo: Maybe he's alive, maybe he ain't.

Bo: Regardless, not our problem.

Chad: The killbots cut through the door of the

Chad: women's clothing shop and before they fully

Chad: enter, allison says if the killbots want

Chad: target practice, let's give them some

Chad: targets.

Chad: And she nods her head over to some

Chad: mannequins.

Chad: We cut to a bunch of mannequins that have

Chad: been set up as decoys, while the fellas are

Chad: just firing their guns at the killbots as

Chad: cover, and the killbots apparently cannot

Chad: discern between mannequin and man.

Chad: And apparently their laser beams bounce off

Chad: mirrors because one of the blue lasers

Chad: ricochets back and shoots one of the

Chad: killbots, making it go all higgledy

Chad: piggledy.

Chad: And then the killbots start spinning around

Chad: and firing laser beams all over the place.

Chad: And one of these shots hits Linda.

Chad: Down goes Linda Mike is she dead or alive,

Chad: who knows?

Chad: And then Rick's like Linda, my wife and

Chad: business partner, who wears sexy lingerie,

Chad: you bastard.

Chad: And then he jumps on this tiny little

Chad: service cart and goes at like top speed of

Chad: seven miles per hour and crashes into the

Chad: killbot and it explodes.

Chad: So Rick and Linda are now dead.

Bo: But Rick at least died destroying one of

Bo: the killbots, so that's not nothing.

Chad: It's like that scene in Austin Powers when

Chad: he's going to get run over by that slow

Chad: moving cart.

Bo: Now only Nerdy, ferdy and Allison are left.

Bo: Yeah, we're down to the final two.

Bo: And he's like it's time to find that

Bo: computer.

Bo: Let's split up.

Bo: It's Allison's idea to split up because I

Bo: think that she's worried that murder boners

Bo: are contagious, and so they wander around

Bo: and Allison gets spooked by some hardware

Bo: that falls out of the ceiling, and then

Bo: there's a comically full closet of duct

Bo: hoses and scrap metal that she opens up.

Bo: Then, finally, a killbot sneaks up on her

Bo: and she screams.

Bo: And then Ferdy comes running and he shoots

Bo: it in the face and it starts moaning about

Bo: like laser malfunction, my eye got shot,

Bo: I'm going to kill you, bitches.

Bo: And then Ferdy, out of bullets, now throws

Bo: the gun at him like he used to see in those

Bo: classic.

Bo: Superman movies.

Bo: Ferdy throws a fire extinguisher at it too,

Bo: and it catches it just throws it right back

Bo: at him and knocks over Ferdy.

Chad: Ferdy catches it like clunk.

Chad: I'm like, is Ferdy dead by getting knocked

Chad: over by?

Bo: a fire extinguisher, he's out for the count,

Bo: at least for a while.

Chad: Allison sees this and she runs off because

Chad: she's our last girl in the movie.

Bo: She bus into a pet store where she hides

Bo: under some puppy bitch, like one of those

Bo: bitches where you sit to hold puppies and

Bo: kiddies and whatnot that you might buy, and

Bo: the killbot is looking for her.

Bo: But she has pulled like some dog food bags

Bo: in front of her.

Bo: And it's being real sneaky.

Chad: Imagine reading this screenplay like you're

Chad: going to make this.

Chad: Oh yeah, you have backing.

Chad: You have financial backing to make this

Chad: movie.

Bo: Uh huh All right After she's hidden behind

Bo: all these dog food bags, the killbot comes

Bo: in and just starts bumping into aquariums,

Bo: knocking over aquariums filled with like

Bo: spiders and snakes.

Chad: It's real simple and doomed.

Chad: We all saw that movie last year.

Chad: We know how this goes.

Bo: That's exactly what I was going to say.

Bo: It is Kate Capschol.

Chad: Yeah, and of course they're crawling all

Chad: over Allison snakes and spiders and whatnot

Chad: until the shot when she gets out from under

Chad: the shelf, and then they're just fake

Chad: rubber spiders that fall off in hilarious

Chad: fashion Also hilarious in this moment, if

Chad: you ask me, the fact that when she gets out,

Chad: the killbot leaves with this like real kind

Chad: of sound you know cause the vacuum cleaner

Chad: function is turned on.

Chad: Sure, did you notice the name of the pet

Chad: shop?

Chad: I did not.

Chad: It's Rogers little shop of pets.

Chad: Oh sure, I think the hat to Mr Corman and

Chad: his directing of little shop of horrors,

Chad: the old black and white one, that's a good

Chad: movie, it's okay.

Bo: And you know that's also Dick Miller as

Bo: well.

Bo: I think he's in there somewhere, I'm sure.

Bo: And Jack Nicholson?

Bo: That's a bar bet you can win.

Bo: Is Jack Nicholson in little shop of horrors?

Bo: Yes, he is.

Bo: It's not a great movie.

Bo: It's interesting to watch.

Bo: It's a fascinating cinematic tidbit.

Bo: It's not a movie you're going to watch for

Bo: entertainment.

Chad: So Allison runs off and the remaining

Chad: killbot I think there's just one left comes

Chad: after and Allison decides to seek safety by

Chad: hanging herself off of the railing three

Chad: stories high in the air.

Chad: I kind of thought Allison was the smart one.

Chad: This is one of the dumbest things I've ever

Chad: seen in a movie.

Bo: Well, she can't hang on forever, chad, no.

Bo: And it's up slipping and crashing into,

Bo: like this big parasol that's been set up.

Bo: And while she's hobbling on the floor

Bo: crawling away, the killbot is heading

Bo: downstairs like haha, got you now Right.

Bo: And then she finds the flare in her boobs.

Chad: Oh yeah, what's this thing jamming me in

Chad: the chest?

Chad: For my three story fall Right and then she

Chad: just head first.

Bo: Chad goes into this paint store.

Chad: Uh huh.

Bo: The glass just head down, charges it like a

Bo: bull.

Chad: Well, she pulls her shirt over her head so

Chad: that she can protect herself as she uses

Chad: her skull to smash through this thing.

Bo: The hardest part of her body.

Bo: She starts just spreading paint and paint

Bo: thinner and stuff all over the place and

Bo: the killbot follows her in and she has done

Bo: an end around and slips outside and says

Bo: have a nice day, like all the killbot say.

Chad: Right, right.

Bo: And then just tosses the flare inside and

Bo: everything in the world explodes.

Chad: It's like a action hero walk away shot.

Chad: I mean the storefront just blows open and

Chad: so she's limping away.

Bo: And then you just hear, hey, and it's Ferdy,

Bo: he's alive, and he's like hey, nice shot.

Bo: And then they run into each other's arms

Bo: and nice shot.

Chad: She didn't shoot anything.

Chad: She threw a lens flare into the paint store.

Chad: Also, ferdy is holding a full toilet paper

Chad: roll that's soaked in blood.

Chad: I hope it's blood, I hope it's his blood,

Chad: it's something he just found in the toilet

Chad: stall like hmm, yeah, let's take this for a

Chad: little bit later, late night fun.

Chad: But yeah, they see each other, they rush

Chad: and they hug and then fade out the end.

Bo: Yep, there is some pretty good shot.

Bo: The shot of them hugging.

Bo: It's kind of a crane shot inside the mall

Bo: and it's one of the better shots of the

Bo: movie.

Chad: Hunter Buck says that that was from a guy

Chad: holding the camera with his hands while his

Chad: buddy held him off the railing wise legs.

Bo: Probably so.

Bo: We pad out the runtime with some sitcom

Bo: style action shots of the primary cast,

Bo: like turning to camera.

Bo: Hey, you caught me in the locker room again.

Chad: It's like the closing credits of police

Chad: Academy, Like they're all just like turning

Chad: around smiling at the camera.

Bo: What are we doing here?

Bo: They're into the movie, but Chad, all

Bo: things being equal, yes, this movie.

Bo: It comes in under 90 minutes.

Chad: It's the shortest movie we've ever reviewed

Chad: on this podcast Without in credits.

Chad: It is at 72 minutes.

Chad: It goes by in a flash.

Bo: There's a pretty good head explosion.

Bo: Mm-hmm.

Bo: The fire effects are pretty good.

Chad: It's silly, it's dumb, it's free on YouTube

Chad: and at least when I watched it, they left

Chad: in all of the nakedness and all of the

Chad: swearing.

Chad: So get while the getting's good.

Bo: You can watch this on any number of

Bo: streaming services.

Bo: If you want to pay a buck or two for it,

Bo: you can do it that way or just watch it for

Bo: free, like I did.

Bo: It's on Plex and Pluto and all those like

Bo: free streaming apps and stuff like that, so

Bo: you can find a decent copy of this to watch

Bo: just about anywhere and it's a pretty fun

Bo: movie.

Bo: It's not great.

Bo: But it's, it's an okay time and it's a

Bo: great party movie where if you have this on

Bo: in the background and you're having a

Bo: couple of beers with some friends and

Bo: you're hanging out kind of bullshitting and

Bo: you can just perk up like, oh my God, look,

Bo: it's her head just exploded.

Bo: Why are they all fucking in the same room?

Bo: I don't know.

Bo: This is all silly and weird.

Bo: It's got that kind of vibe where it's a fun

Bo: excuse to hang out and goof on a movie a

Bo: little bit and it's short enough that it

Bo: doesn't wear out.

Bo: It's welcome.

Bo: It gets to the killbots in plenty of haste

Bo: so you're not sitting around waiting for

Bo: the movie to get started because there's

Bo: just not enough runtime to dick around.

Bo: I think it's not a great movie by any

Bo: stretch, but kind of a good time for a B80s

Bo: horror techno thriller.

Chad: It is what it is and it ain't nothing more.

Chad: Yeah, I want to say that for the big finale

Chad: of this season, we are doing something but

Chad: we have never done in the history of Pixxx

Chad: movies.

Chad: We are going to review a movie that, at the

Chad: time of its recording, will be in theaters.

Bo: Oh, that sounds difficult.

Chad: Well, it's also going to premiere on a

Chad: streaming service.

Chad: We don't have to go see it in a theater.

Chad: Oh, that's much easier.

Chad: Right, I am speaking of the video game

Chad: turned cinematic event five nights at

Chad: Freddy's, a movie inspired by the popular

Chad: pizza chain entertainment franchises of the

Chad: 1980s, including Chuck E Cheese and show

Chad: biz pizza.

Bo: I like at least two of those things.

Chad: Have you played five nights at Freddy's?

Bo: A little bit.

Bo: I played the first game a little bit, yes.

Chad: I watched a full YouTube explanation of the

Chad: five nights at Freddy's canon with my son

Chad: and you talk about fanfiction.

Chad: That is just off the charts.

Chad: It's totally bonkers.

Chad: I don't know how much the movie is going to

Chad: get into that or what else, but my son and

Chad: people of his age like young teenagers.

Chad: I think this movie which no shockers.

Chad: Coming from Bloom House, I think there's

Chad: only three companies that make movies

Chad: anymore.

Chad: It's like Bloom House, disney and Paramount

Chad: and a 24.

Chad: That's it.

Chad: Those are the people making movies anymore.

Chad: Right now in Bloom House got their hooks

Chad: into this one and they're making a movie

Chad: and people are excited.

Bo: I'm mildly interested to see what they make

Bo: of this Again.

Bo: I didn't watch your fancy lore video, but I

Bo: know what I've seen of five nights at

Bo: Freddy's and it seems a little thin in the

Bo: way of story.

Bo: Oh, there's a lot going on.

Bo: Oh, is there really?

Chad: There's a whole backstory.

Chad: There's a feud between two different

Chad: pizzerias and kids start getting killed by

Chad: robots.

Chad: It's a real something as far as I kind of

Chad: try to remember.

Bo: Should I watch this Should?

Chad: I bone up on the no, no, no, no.

Bo: All right, look, I'll get it fresh.

Bo: In the words of one of our great newsmen

Bo: Fuck it, I'll do it live, and I'm excited

Bo: to watch this premiere just before

Bo: Halloween and I'm sure it'll be great, I'm

Bo: sure it'll be one of the best horror movies

Bo: I've ever seen.

Chad: It will be the second Bloom House movie

Chad: that we review this season and, to really

Chad: get you excited, it also has a PG-13 rating.

Chad: Oh yeah, so none of the blood none of the

Chad: good stuff is going to be in it.

Bo: Oh boy, that doesn't sound great.

Chad: No, it doesn't Not at all All right.

Chad: So anyway, as always, like great review,

Chad: you can reach out to us at PixSixMovies at gmail.com

Chad: gmailcom and we're here in there, or

Chad: whatever else.

Chad: Bo any final thoughts you have on shopping

Chad: mall AKA Killbots of the movie?

Chad: Get me out of this vent.

Chad: Yeah, I'll get you out of the vent.

Chad: Let me ask you a question.

Chad: You know I'm milkable.

Chad: He's like right escalated.

Chad: Well, she liked it right.

Chad: We're going.

Chad: Sweet cheeks.

Chad: Come back here.