when it's over... part 2

The conclusion of LaVonna's insighful journey of accepting.... "when it's over."

Show Notes

Episode 2 finds LaVonna celebrating a momentous occasion while revealing some of the roots of her underlying fears of change. Through her healing journey, which began four years ago, she comes to terms with the "aha moments" that led to her transition and triumph story.

What is Taking a Deep Breath?

Stories of Transitions and Triumphs.

Greetings friends and happy
August I'm Lavonne Martin Florio,

the host of the podcast series.

Taking a deep breath

life requires moments of reflections that
are often accompanied by taking a deep.

I like to refer to these moments
as aha moments, which are a sudden

realization, inspiration, insight
recognition, or comprehension that

catalyzes a more profound sense of self
and can be a springboard for growth.

So welcome to my vision of
sharing stories of transitions and

triumphs today's episode continues.

My thoughts from episode one.

Which was when it's over this
episode, celebrates a momentous

feat in my life and athletic career
mentioned in the previous podcast

of my journey through the Olympics.

But today is a special day.

Today is my Olympic versus.

30 years ago, I crossed the finish
line in one of the craziest Olympic

finals in the women's 100 meter.

All my life.

I have dreamed about that moment that
I would stand on the podium in a packed

stadium while awaiting an Olympic
metal being placed around my neck.

Every, since I watched my athletic
idle Benita Fitzgerald at the

1984 Olympic games in Los Angeles.

Cross the finish line in first place.

Cementing her place in our athletic
society, in our world as the first

African American gold medalist in the 100
hurdles, I wanted that same feeling that

day finally arrived on August 6th, 1990.

I walked out in my USA metal ceremony
outfit after successfully crossing

the finish line in the silver metal
position a few months earlier, I wasn't

even predicted that I was going to
make the 92 Olympic team let alone

metal at those Barcelona Olympics.

But guess what?

I did.

I defied the odds.

I surprised myself and the world.

I will forever be etched in history as the
silver medalists in these Olympic games.

What do I mean by that?

So we all know in life and in
particular in athletics, things can

change from one day to the next.

You can be a champion on one
day and the next day you may

not even make it to the finals.

On that particular day of August
6th, 1992, I walked away as the

second best hurdler in the world.

And I was thrilled.

I had accomplished my goal.

I had given myself a victory, my
community, a victory my community

in Dayton, Ohio was a statics.

My family, my coaches, everyone that
had been associated with me, even Benita

Fitzgerald, who was waiting for me before
I went out to get my medal, to give me the

biggest hug and tell me how proud she was.

Okay.

But to my surprise, I had a hollow
feeling that accompany my most incredible

track and field accomplishments.

That journey was so exhilarating,
but in the end, and yes,

I knew the end was coming.

I felt hot.

And so, as I mentioned before, there
were years that I spent in my heart,

not outwardly, but in my heart, trying
to replicate that Olympic feeling

instead of acknowledging when it's over.

And so I can recognize in me
that transitions are always hard.

Like I said earlier change is inevitable,
but for some reason I tend to linger

in the comfortable spaces of my leg.

And so these past years in particular,
these past four years, I have been

working on myself and it has caused
me to do some serious reflections.

So while I have been pondering, I can
trace some of these feelings of insecurity

to two distinct childhood memory.

And I want to share those with you
because to me , it connects as to why

I struggle a lot of times with change.

So the first one is happened to me.

When I was in second grade,
I went to a Catholic school.

I grew up Catholic and I attended this
school from second to fourth grade.

I love my school.

I love my school.

I love my friends.

I love my team.

I felt safe in this space because it
was also the church that I attended.

In second grade I had this great Nigerian
teacher who was very strict, but she

was loving and halfway through that
school year, she had recommended to

my parents that I should be promoted
the next year to fourth grade.

In other words, she felt that I needed to
skip the third grade and go to the fourth.

Part of the reason why is that?

I had a huge vocabulary.

I had a out of this
world reading appetite.

My comprehension level was off
the charts for a second grader.

And Mrs.

Ooma felt that I needed to skip third
grade and go on to fourth grade.

Well, I wasn't included in the
discussion at all my parents, black

parents in the seventies, they
didn't ask their kids about what they

thought, like what happens today.

I came from that mantra, children
should be seen and not heard.

And so that decision was made
for me to move to fourth grade

and my comfort level was spooked.

Now let me add this little caveat.

As I transitioned to fourth grade,
I still had to go back and take

third grade math because my math
skills were on par at grade level.

So being with fourth graders
all day who were nine, almost 10

years old, I'm an eight year old.

And then having to come back and take the
math class with my regular class, that

I would have the regular grade that I
would have been in that was challenging.

So fourth grade I've found to be
challenging, not the academics

part, but the social and emotional
adjustments were a serious struggle.

I always felt like I was
behind the eight ball.

I was never comfortable.

I never felt accepted by
the kids in the class.

And why would I be?

I was eight.

They were nine going onto.

My confidence was shaken.

I never made the adjustment insecurity
prevail throughout my academic years

and even all the way through college.

Think about it.

I'm always socially and emotionally
a year behind any promotion that

I was in academically, I never
shared those feelings with them.

I never made the core relation
until recently as I've

started on my healing journey.

It's like Maya Angelou said at 50,
I began to know who I was and it was

like waking up to myself and I agree.

My next experience was when I was
in fifth grade, before fifth grade,

I grew up in a very typical street
in the inner city of Dayton, Ohio.

Growing up.

I had no idea of the
happenings in my neighborhood.

I had no idea that it was crime written.

I had no idea there was a nefarious
dealings that were going on.

All I knew was that I felt safe, I
loved my childhood friends and I had

a childlike freedom on Ardmore street.

I remember very vividly.

That we would ride our bikes, my brother
and I unbeknownst to us, our mother was

watching us, but we felt like we were
free to the end of the street, into

this big lot that we thought was huge.

And we would just ride our bikes
in a literal circle and just

laugh and felt free and had fun.

When I think about it today,
that lot wasn't that big.

But to us, it was huge.

It was free.

One of my other best memories about
living on that street was that I could

walk to my maternal grandparents home.

That was a few blocks away.

I was very close to my
maternal side of of our family.

And so that predictable
life made me feel safe.

Well, one day my parents who
were hard working black parents

wanted to provide a live.

For us that included good
schools, a safer neighborhood

and acquired her side of life.

So they moved us out of
the city to the suburbs.

We moved into a plan community that
provided the relief that my parents

sought for our family of four.

my little sister would be more
than about five years later.

So she wasn't included in.

If I'm honest, it's one of the
earliest memories I have in my

life of being anxious about change,
starting a new school, acquiring new

friends, having my first exposure
to white people was different than

any experience I have ever had.

And if you're African-American
you understand what I mean?

When I say your first exposures
to dealing with Caucasian.

I found out later in life that some of
our neighbors were unhappy that a black

family was even living next door to them.

I realized now that I didn't know
this fact then, but I felt something

was different in this new community
than that all black neighborhood

that I had grew up in, in the city,
unbeknownst to my parents, I struggled.

I struggled greatly with this change.

I never shared it, or even knew
that I still carried this memory in

my heart to this day, but I always
had the surety of track and field.

It was my happy place.

It was where I felt free, different,
except it, every time I rent X,

especially when I won, I was important.

I was a winner.

I can transform into my
version of a superwoman on the.

And that's why transitioning
from the end of my career to

regular life was difficult.

I was right back where I started anxious
about the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I had a
little bit of an anxious thought when

I was watching the world championships
of track and field take place on U S

soil for the first time ever in Eugene.

I competed in a world championships
in 1987 in Rome, Italy.

And that was my first and
only world championships.

And so I know how much this meant
to have these games here in the

U S the first world championships
was 1983 in Helsinki, Finland and

to have in 2022, the first world
championships on us soil was exhibiting.

Well, I often get asked or I got
asked within those couple of weeks.

Why wasn't I there?

Yeah, I decided not to go to the
world championships for a few reasons.

Number one, I'm always
respectful of my husband.

Who's a coach and not wanting to
invade his space while he's working.

That's one.

I definitely want to be respectful.

Number two, I've had been to Eugene,
Oregon a couple of times this year,

and I really wasn't looking forward
to going back to Eugene and in

particular I don't deal really well.

Crowds.

And so I wasn't interested in that,
but if I'm being really honest

with myself, I have worked really
hard to step away and separate.

Lubana the track athlete
from Lavanya, the person.

And I did not want to put myself back
into that environment of, of the feelings.

And I'm trying to describe what those
feelings are like, that feelings.

I guess the feelings of replicating
that moment, those moments that I had

as an athlete, I've worked really hard
to kind of like step away from that,

but I want to admit something to you.

As I saw pictures, as I saw videos,
as I talked to a few people who

were at the competition, I had that
same lingering feeling in my head.

About I wasn't there.

I was missing out.

I wasn't a part of it.

That same feelings that I was healing or
being healed from, started to come back.

I made the decision to go off
to Cancun and watch the track

meets while looking at the ocean,
because that's what I love to do.

As a matter of fact, my spouse,
my partner, my husband, he said

to me, go do what makes you happy?

And that's something that made me happy
while on that trip, I went and visited

a Mayan temple and I am a history buff.

And so it was on my bucket list to
go to . Well, I learned something

that shit's needs are I learned a lot,
but one thing that was an inspiration

for me, apart from the fact that
the Mayans are a phenomenal people.

What they were able to do, how
they were able to create it,

create their society was amazing.

The stories that we hear about
them are, are so skewed from the

colonizers perception, but they are a
wonderful marvelous people, but here's

one thing that I learned from the
Mayans when they built their cities.

And in particular, this temple that
I was telling you about, they built

their cities on top of each other.

So if you were to dig deep
inside this temple, you will see

that there is a smaller temple,
another temple on top of that.

And then the large temple that we
see when we recognize that it's one

of the new seven wonders of the.

They build upon what is underneath
or what was the laid foundation.

And that's what I realized that
I have these layers of myself.

That's built upon some
of these foundations.

And in particular, I'm not saying
that it's a positive thing either.

I'm saying these feelings
that I have of change.

And I might bury one and build
on top of that and bury that

and build on top of that.

And I never really deal with the deep
downness of why I struggle with change.

And when it's over, new
beginnings are scary and they're

terrifying, but it's never over.

It just changes.

And so after I pondered how I was feeling
about watching the track meet and what I

felt like I was missing out, I recognized
I wasn't missing out on anything.

I recognize that the joys in my life
is not what I may feel like it's

changed or what I may be losing.

It's what I cling to.

Buddha said that you only
lose what you clean too.

That's the challenge, wanting life
to stay static and status quo.

That's the challenge not embracing
the change that is to come.

The change that will happen.

The change that is inevitable,
that's the beauty of life.

So when I look at some of these young
people, and when I talked to some

of these young people, I recognize
that part of my role is to encourage

part of my role is to be a beacon.

Part of my role is to.

Take what I know and not force
it, but just take what I know and

be there as as a healing balm,
because we all go through changes.

As I mentioned the last time we
all go through changes, whether

it's our children growing up and
leaving the home, that's a change.

Whether it's the change in a new
job, whether it's moving, whether

it's a loss of a friendship or the
loss of a loved one, these are all

changes that we have to recognize
happens in our lives, but it's okay.

So as I think back to my childhood and I
think back to how I did not handle and you

know, what thought of why I didn't handle
it well is because I didn't tell any.

So the next guest that I will have
on the podcast is a friend that had

made herself available to me during a
really difficult timeframe in my life.

And I recognize that it's through
transparency and it's through

being able to, to open up it's
through recognizing chain.

And it's through embracing it
is where the healing comes.

And so I'm excited to introduce
you to her in the next podcast.

And as I stated I'm forever grateful
to my spouse who encourages me to

pursue those things that make me happy.

And he encourages that and supports that.

And I encourage and support that for him.

And for that I'm eternally grateful.

So as I end the podcast for
today, I hope this encourages

you to continue to journey on.

, whatever is set before you,