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Welcome to Flip the Script with Vic, your weekly pep talk to expand and shift your perspective. I’m your host, Victoria Nielsen. Together, we’ll unwind all the things you thought you knew, and awaken to what’s truly possible when you flip the script on your reality and take control of your own life.
Speaker A [00:00:00]:
Hello, loves. Welcome to another episode of Flip the script with Vic. I'm your host, Victoria Nielsen. Today, I want to talk about a topic that's really near and dear to my heart. I posted a reel about it recently on instagram and got so many responses that I know this topic is going to resonate with a lot of you. And it is the topic of grief in mother Hood. And if you are a mother, I think you completely understand by my just saying that because motherhood has so many seasons and so many facets, and it is really an initiation and a constant metamorphosis, that as your kids grow and change and evolve, you grow and change and evolve. And it makes perfect sense, right? Because you have never mothered at these different stages.
Speaker A [00:00:59]:
So even when you first get pregnant, I feel like it opens this portal within you to begin searching for this kernel of remembrance that lives within each of us. Because now you have a legacy that is going to last longer than you. And so now your perspective changes, because all of a sudden, the things that maybe were really important to you are no longer important. And I know that happened for me when I first got pregnant back in. Well, my first pregnancy was in 2018 that resulted in a miscarriage. But then I got pregnant again, thankfully, in 2019 with my oldest, Sebastian. And I just began questioning everything. And it wasn't really until he was actually born.
Speaker A [00:01:50]:
I would say that as he was cooking in my stomach, it didn't really feel real. And it was real, right? My stomach was growing. I could feel him. But when he was that tiny little babe in my arms, I remember just looking into his eyes at two months old and wondering who he was going to be and the impact he was going to have on the world. And I realized that I had to lead by example. And that if I wanted him to be able to be his true self in this world, then I needed to be my true self as well. And many of you have heard the story. That's when I found Kundalini yoga and I joined this Kundalini business group without even really knowing what I was signing up for and just knowing that my soul was calling to this moreness within me.
Speaker A [00:02:41]:
And I believe that our kids are a catalyst for that. That they give us so much more than we ever thought possible for ourselves. And I don't subscribe to that narrative that kids take up so much of our time and they drain us. And all these negative things, they can be true. Yes, to some extent. Right? I'm more tired than I've ever been, but I'm also far more fulfilled, and I'm far more myself now that I have started this journey of motherhood than I would have been without it. And I think each child we have transforms us even more. Birth is a portal, literally, to the ethers and to the other side.
Speaker A [00:03:24]:
And it's no wonder that things completely change. You're bringing a whole new human into the world, a whole new soul who has their own karmic contracts, who has their own soul mission to complete on earth. And that complicates things a little bit, but it also makes things a little bit easier, I think, because then you want to be the best version of yourself so that you can teach them to be the best version of themselves. And so in this searching, after I became a new mom, there was a lot of grief because your old life is gone in an instant. Like, you don't get a chance to mourn these old versions of yourself until you're faced with situations where all of a sudden you realize things are different, that you can't necessarily go back to the way things were. And I feel like moms are presented with this conflict of, like, oh, well, you should be happy. You have this beautiful new child in your life, and things are changing for the better. But that doesn't mean that the opposite end of the spectrum of emotions doesn't exist.
Speaker A [00:04:37]:
If you can feel joy and happiness in the moment for all of the new and wonderful things that this child has brought into your life, you can feel the opposite side of the spectrum. The stuckness, the sadness, the just never ending feeling of, like, holy shit, I'm responsible now for this person for the rest of their life. That is a lot to bear. And I want to give permission to anyone listening that it's okay to feel those feelings. And it doesn't make you a bad mom, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human, because you will never go back to that version of yourself because now your eyes are open. But also, there are so many stages and moments of motherhood that you don't even know are the last until they happen or even until after they happen, right? Like that last moment of feeling them kick in your belly. That last moment, maybe, of being a mother of one.
Speaker A [00:05:36]:
And things change in an instant. And it's wild because all my moms listening know this. You're in the mundane most of the time, right? It's almost like Groundhog day, where you have the same day over and over again that you're getting up and you're feeding them and they're going to school, and then they're coming home and you're making dinner and you're going to bed. And it can feel very repetitive until one day it's not because something changes. Because either you change, right? And you notice something new about yourself, or you're cultivating this new feeling or remembrance that's been ignited within you, or you're cultivating that newness in them. They're learning new skills, learning new things, testing their boundaries, having tantrums, and it's bringing up triggers and things for you as well. I mean, my oldest is, gosh, my biggest teacher because his moments of being so highly sensitive and so upset are super triggering to me. And I'm having to go back and look at my childhood and say, why is his yelling upsetting me so much? And I think it was because there was a lot of yelling in my household.
Speaker A [00:06:41]:
And that's not a dig against my mom or any of the people who raised me. It's just what it was. They did the best they could with what they had. And my mom was a single mom that was really angry. And she unfortunately had to go back to work. She had to work a nine to five to support us. And so I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, which was wonderful. And I think that so many beautiful things happen when you're able to spend time with the generations like that.
Speaker A [00:07:08]:
But it also meant that I was also witness to her sadness and her grief and her short temper and her inability to process some of those things because she just didn't have the tools to do so. And so I really try and reflect on that as much as I can. Even though, of course, I still yell, I still get upset with my kids. I still have a lot of moments where I wish I was a better parent. And I have to truly believe that doing the best I can is all that I can do. And that sharing these moments of grief when they come up in the moment and in their realness with my children and not hiding from them is really important. I want them to see that mommy is a real person and mommy has feelings, too. And I don't always model the best behavior, but then we try and talk about it and we try and move through it, and I don't really think I realize how much I would cry in motherhood.
Speaker A [00:08:06]:
I cry a lot, and I'm a natural crier. I'll blame my cancer moon on that. But I think it's medicine, and it's okay to let those tears out and to let our kids see them because there are so many things that you can't change, and you just have to move through and ride out in motherhood. And there are stages that are going to be more upsetting than others, but they're also so empowering because, like I said, without my kids, I want to say, become this version of me, but I would not have remembered this version of me. And with each child that you have, you go through a deeper metamorphosis. And it's painful, potentially, while you're in it. There's a lot of that in between energy of not yet becoming this new person or this new thing and still grieving that old version of you that you can't go back to. And there's nothing else you can do but grieve it, right? Because you can't change it and you can't go back.
Speaker A [00:09:17]:
You can only move forward. And I think it's valiant, really, all the moms that have to do this on a daily basis. And that portal of birth creates so much energy. Not only are you creating energy within your body because you're growing this whole new human, but once you give birth to them, that energy has to go somewhere. And I think this isn't talked about enough, but you have such creative life force energy in you as a mother. Our sacral center is designed to be that portal and designed to be a holder of that creative energy. And so it builds and builds and builds while you're birthing that beautiful human. And some of it goes with the child when they're born, right? But a lot of it stays with you.
Speaker A [00:10:04]:
And so it's no wonder that you're going to go through this transformation because that creative energy has to go somewhere. And so I have found, actually, that after birth, you get into this kind of, like, in between transformation phase, and then so much comes out of it if you allow yourself to channel that energy in a productive way. And I almost don't even like the word productive, but more just channel that energy in the way that it wants to move through you, because you're just a vessel, right, for this divine creative force. And even if you're not pregnant or giving birth, all women are channels for this beautiful, divine creative force. You just have a lot more of it when you are going through the stages of pregnancy and birth. And so I think it takes a little bit to incubate, right? And it's incubating while you are growing this human, but then it needs you to anchor it in and then move it towards something. So I wrote my book, find your way home. Moving through miscarriage poems and practices to reclaim your light after loss, after having rocky, because that was the creative energy.
Speaker A [00:11:12]:
I had so much energy while he was in my stomach. I was writing so many poems. And you are open to the ethers. You are so open to the ethers while you are pregnant. And I encourage moms to lean into that, write down everything that's coming through for you, because those are seeds of ideas that are being planted while you are open to the cosmos. And then it's up to you to ground that energy and move forward with the things that make sense for you. And you can really use that creative potential to your advantage and really do so much with it if you are. Excuse me, I'm moving so much energy if you are really intentional about how you capture that and work with it after pregnancy.
Speaker A [00:11:59]:
And so that's another reason you're going to have so many of these emotions as well, right? Because you have so much energy moving through you, and the energy has to settle after you give birth. You have to intentionally close that portal as well if you leave it open. Not that anything bad is going to happen, but it's almost like a big energy leak, right? I don't want to say wasting, but it's an energy leak. It's going to keep until you plug it or until you intentionally ground it and move it into something. And so I don't want you to waste that potential. I think that's the light at the end of the tunnel after birth is that there's so much that can come from it that's even bigger and beyond birthing a human, and birthing a human is like fucking the biggest thing you can do. And so I want you to know that that grief that you're feeling is ultimately going to lead you to your highest good and lead you to your highest path. And that if you can feel that side of the emotional spectrum, then you can also feel joy.
Speaker A [00:13:01]:
Okay? Because that's what planet Earth is all about, is about that duality. So if you can feel the saddest, just most awful side of the spectrum, you can also feel the happiest, most joyful side. It's available to you. And so that, to me, is the silver lining of this grief in motherhood, is that if you can feel all of that, you can feel the happiness just as easily. And it's up to you to move through it and to alchemize it. And we are natural alchemizers as mothers. I mean, think about it all the times that we create something out of nothing for our kids school projects or for anything, really. We are magic.
Speaker A [00:13:43]:
And that energy comes from us and from our connection to our creative source within our womb space and from our connection to our children. And so the next time that you're having a hard time as a mom, which happens all the time, I invite you to just sit with those feelings and maybe name some of the silver linings and the things that will come out of them that will be beautiful. And the tears are welcome, and they are okay. And as much as it feels shitty to be stuck in that middle transition, you're not going to be in the middle forever. I had a podcast episode, I think, a couple of weeks ago about the middle, and there's magic in that middle, right? Because you're not going to be in the middle forever. There's always going to be a beginning, and there's always going to be an end. And that middle can really be a place where you solidify yourself, where you put your stake in the ground and you say, this is who I'm going to be moving forward, and you get to figure it out. Like, what a beautiful gift that you get to choose while you're in that middle, the pieces of yourself that you want to take with you and the pieces that you want to leave behind, that you can really parse through all of the lessons and things that are happening to say, you know what? I'm tired of this narrative, this story, this karmic pattern.
Speaker A [00:15:01]:
I'm going to get rid of it for good. I'm going to choose to take these empowering stories and notions with me forward, because that's what you get to do in any given moment, right? You get to choose how you view things and what perspective you want to give them. And I'm always going to choose the most empowering perspective. It doesn't mean that I'm always going to feel empowered, but I'm going to make my way towards that feeling eventually, right? And I'm going to let it be a catalyst for change. And so can we let our kids be catalysts for the highest versions of ourselves? I feel like they just speed up our timelines, right? These things were always meant to happen. But when we bring kids into the world, like, damn, it goes so fast and goes so much faster, because now you start to realize how fast time moves and that you don't have forever in this earthly body and in this incarnation that you came here for a certain mission and certain things that you wanted to accomplish. And I had a reading years ago from this amazing psychic. His name is Ainsley McLeod, and he let me know that my soul is a very old soul.
Speaker A [00:16:08]:
He grades souls on levels like one to ten, and I'm a ten soul, and I'm like, 40% of the way through. And when you're done at level ten, I don't really know what the fuck happens. I guess you graduate back to the light and you don't come back to Earth, or maybe you go to other planets, I don't know. But he was saying that you also pick characteristics when you come to Earth. And so I picked this characteristic of being a nurturer, but I didn't necessarily choose to be a mom before coming here. And so people do that, right? You can choose that your mission in life is to be a mom, or whatever it is, but I didn't choose that as part of my mission. And he said that a lot of the times, those that choose to be nurturers do become moms because they understand the sensitiveness of these souls. They understand how to care for them.
Speaker A [00:17:02]:
And I really believe that even though I didn't choose, quote unquote, to be a mom before coming to Earth, that it is exponentially helping my healing and helping me hop timelines and quantum leap and move forward in such a huge way that I wouldn't be able to otherwise. And when I view it from that perspective, the grief seems more manageable. The grief seems like it's not so bad because it has a higher purpose, and everything has a higher purpose, right, if we choose to have that perspective. But I really think the grief is good, that it's not a bad thing to feel these uncomfortable feelings and to feel this sadness and this push and this pull, because that's what I'm here for. That's what every human is here for. And when we allow ourself to experience that wide spectrum of emotions, that's really beautiful, because so many people are not allowing themselves to experience that. And when you can feel that wide spectrum of emotions and what it feels like to be human, then you're better able to connect with others. You're better able to serve, essentially.
Speaker A [00:18:09]:
And I know not everyone is here to serve, but I feel like, to some extent, if you are a mother, you are here to serve in some way, because you're leaving a legacy and you're imprinting on a future generation that is going to be stewards for this earth and this planet and for the people on it. And that's a big mission, but it's one that I think all of us are ready for. And that sometimes that grief is saying goodbye to the smallness within us, saying goodbye to the mediocreness maybe in each of us, right? And it's scary to know that we have this bigger mission and this bigger purpose and so that can cause the grief because then you're like, well, fuck, then I've actually got to show up and do the work. I've got to stand up for myself and my children and these future generations and even the past generations, right? All the healing that you're doing is going to have effects seven generations forward and seven generations back. And that's a heavy weight to carry sometimes, right? But we're here to bear it because we chose to. And it's okay sometimes if that makes us want to kick and scream and yell and shout that we don't want to be responsible. But ultimately, you can't shirk that responsibility because we are the only ones that can break those generational curses and we are the only ones that can care for ourselves and for the future. So I don't know that I thought this is where this was going today, but I hope this was an inspiring pep talk to you.
Speaker A [00:19:42]:
That grief and motherhood and all the ups and downs of motherhood don't have to be a bad thing. I would love for you to join me in Mexico at the return to you retreat, April eigth through the twelveth. It's coming up so soon and we are going to have such an amazing time together in sisterhood, in ceremony every single day. And it's going to be just so beautiful. And if you are looking to uncover who you really are, my online meditation and Kundalini yoga membership, the portal collective, is a great place to start. We have new on demand meditations every single month. There's tons of breath work videos in there so that you can do it all on your own time at home. All of them are 30 minutes or less so that you can get on your mat and get on with your day.
Speaker A [00:20:26]:
If you are loving the podcast, please like rate, subscribe, review, share with your friends so that they can find this amazing free resource. I think that's it. I hope you guys have a beautiful rest of your day. I love you so much. Thank you for being here with me. I love being able to have these conversations with you. They're as therapeutic for me as I'm sure they are for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker A [00:20:51]:
I love you so much. Be good to one another. I'll see you next week. Bye.