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Send us Fan Mail Bullying leaves clues in places most of us never think to look: your posture, your pain patterns, your fear of being seen, and the reflex to manage other people’s moods just to stay safe. We go back to the root of it, what happens inside a chaotic home where addiction, intimidation, and “jokes” that feel cruel teach kids the wrong definition of love. When that’s the training ground, sibling bullying is not random. It’s a nervous system strategy that assigns roles, the target ...
Bullying leaves clues in places most of us never think to look: your posture, your pain patterns, your fear of being seen, and the reflex to manage other people’s moods just to stay safe. We go back to the root of it, what happens inside a chaotic home where addiction, intimidation, and “jokes” that feel cruel teach kids the wrong definition of love. When that’s the training ground, sibling bullying is not random. It’s a nervous system strategy that assigns roles, the target who learns to disappear and the protector who uses aggression to avoid getting hurt.
From there, we widen the lens to bullying culture in schools, cliques, and online spaces, including how scarcity and social hierarchy turn outsiders into enforcers. We also talk about why healthy conflict is not the same as bullying, and how repetition, power imbalance, and lack of repair push the body into freeze, people pleasing, hypervigilance, and shame loops. If you’ve ever felt stuck waiting for an apology, we challenge that pattern directly: closure is something you create, not something you receive.
We end with tools you can actually use, nervous system regulation, forgiveness meditation, mindset work that helps you witness thoughts instead of obeying them, and frameworks like the Enneagram to understand your internal “user manual.” If you’re untangling childhood trauma, sibling dynamics, or online bullying stress, this conversation is built to help you reclaim your voice. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the biggest insight you’re taking with you.
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SPEAKER_00: Imagine this.
You're a little kid.
You live in a house that doesn't
quite feel like a home.
It feels like a war zone.
There's an alcoholic stepfather
running the show, unpredictable,
intimidating, sometimes cruel.
And sometimes he thinks it's
funny.
Actually, all of the time he
thinks it's funny.
Your biological dad isn't around
because the same manipulation in
the home made him feel like he
didn't belong there.
So now you've got two kids
learning what love looks like
from absolute chaos.
And here's what happens in
environments like this.
One child usually becomes the
receiver, and one child becomes
the doer.
Because children don't learn
love from what they're told,
they learn love from what they
experience.
So if aggression is modeled as
connection, then bullying
becomes love.
One child learns, I take the
hit, I stay small, I survive by
not being seen.
And you'll see this kid head
down, shoulders forward, trying
to disappear, hoping nobody sees
them.
Not realizing that posture is
signaling to the world I'm not
safe in myself.
And again, this is not their
fault.
This is adaptation.
But the nervous system and even
at a primal level, human
behavior starts to organize
around predator and prey
dynamics.
So now the very strategy meant
to protect them makes them more
visible to harm.
I'm gonna say that again.
The strategy meant to protect
them makes them more visible to
harm.
And I know this because that was
me.
I was bullied constantly when I
was a little kid.
At home and outside of it.
I remember walking with my head
down thinking, if I don't look
up, maybe no one will see me.
But that's not what happened.
And I remember one night I was
in the shower, I couldn't have
been somewhere between seven and
ten.
It was pretty young.
Um, and it was during the Night
Stalker era in the Bay Area, and
it was a horrible serial killer
was on the loose, and there was
a lot of fear in the air.
Uh, I think this was kind of the
end of the serial killer era,
but it was like it was no, it
wasn't.
But um uh anyways, I digress.
There was a lot of fear around,
you know, serial killers and
kidnappings and things like
that.
And my stepdad thought it would
be funny uh to turn off all the
lights in the house.
And before he did this, he says
to me that um there was a serial
killer out on the loose who was
looking for little blonde girls
to murder.
And, you know, because I grew up
in this environment with a cruel
man, I thought this is normal
what people, you know, say to
each other.
So I didn't question and I
believed him.
I was a child and he was
authority, right?
So that's what you do.
And so I'm in the sh the shower,
and he turns off all the lights
in the house, and he and my
sister went outside of the
bathroom window and started
dragging branches across the
window.
I don't even know if a scream
came out, but I remember my body
registering shock and terror in
that moment, thinking that this
was like the moment I was gonna
get slaughtered or tortured by
some deranged man on the loose.
I ran out of the shower, and
that's about all I remember.
Except I remember their laughing
and feeling rage and humiliation
and a sense of helplessness that
that I did not even know how to
process at the time.
And their laughter made made it
worse because I immediately
heard like don't be so serious,
you shouldn't take things so
seriously.
It was just a joke.
Now, maybe in a normal household
that might have been a joke, a
prank, but I had this all the
time, right?
Like it wasn't like one off
event where people were like,
Oh, that'll be kind of funny.
Because you know, people do
stupid stuff like that.
I've done stupid stuff like
that.
But it was a, you know, a daily
bullying in my life.
Like my sister was very, very
physically abusive.
And um, the big joke in the
family was she tried to kill me
twice before my first birthday.
Like, why that was a joke
instead of being handled uh is
beyond me.
Um, but I guess that just
describes more of the family
dynamics that we grew up in,
where that was tolerated and I
think almost encouraged.
I know I don't, you know, I'm
not sitting here victim shaming
or blaming or anything like
that.
Or uh what I am saying is that
it's family dynamics that were
learned generation and passed
down through generations.
And that's why this conversation
is important because I think
when you look around the world
right now, we're seeing this
global phenomenon of bullying
that has gone on for far too
long.
And on one end, we have people
trying to protect victims in a
way that makes them
disempowered, and on the other
end, we have this bullying
culture that actually creates
more predators.
And the polarity between the two
is outrageous right now.
And I think that as a society,
as a culture, we must take a
look at our own signature in
that, in that dynamic and take
our power back if you're on the
receiving end.
And I'm just gonna talk to you
guys because I don't bull most
bullies won't recognize that
they're bullies.
Most bullies don't have the
emotional capacity to look
inside and say, hey, I shouldn't
do this, or this is wrong.
Because it's really born from
the same place.
It's born from this place of
avoiding shame or pain.
And their answer is let me hurt
something outside of me.
And the person who has the
learned response of, let me go
within and you know, protect
myself, but also shield myself
through this layer of victim
consciousness.
And I promise you, if you hear
those words and you think I'm
insulting you, I am so not.
I did not even realize how much
that was impacting my life.
And I'm only saying that word so
that you understand that you
have a way out.
Because I don't like being
considered a victim.
I don't call myself a survivor.
You know, I had sexual trauma
and other sorts of traumas, and
I you'll never hear me say I'm a
survivor.
Um, I don't like that label.
I don't identify with it.
And if you do, by all means use
it.
I'm not, you know, like I said,
this is my experience and that's
it.
And I just want people to feel
empowered and to know that they
can create a new reality for
themselves.
And because what I didn't
realize was that this pattern
followed me through adulthood.
And a lot of it was postural, by
the way, which I didn't quite
understand until yesterday my
back was hurting.
And I was thinking, why are you
why does your back hurt so bad?
And of course I do the layered,
the layered thing, right?
I'm like, is it money?
Is it posture?
Is it um, is it energetic?
Is it a past life?
Like I'm the one who like goes
and sees like the entire
programming of pain, and I'm
like, okay, where is it?
And for me, it was uh postural.
And you know, I've been working
through my fear of visibility,
which tells me I think that I've
become even more invisible,
which means I went back into old
postural patterns of rolling my
shoulders forward, putting my
head forward, and looking down
to not be seen.
And that creates low back pain.
Um, forehead posture is one of
the most common physiological
reasons for low back pain, which
I'll talk about in a different
episode.
But it it was the physiology of
the old me who was working
through the fear of visibility
of being seen and really wanting
to hide and protect myself from
a world that has caused me a lot
of pain.
And I don't mean that in a way
of um blaming anybody because a
lot of the situations I created
myself.
And so, you know, I understand
that I also understand why I
created them.
So there's compassion on both
sides.
But so when we look at sibling
bullying, which is really what I
want to talk about today, I was
really angry at my sister for a
long time.
And then I had to hold space for
the fact that she learned these
strategies in the same
environment, the same
definitions of love that I did.
And I don't know if firstborn or
secondborn has anything to do
with it, but she is firstborn
and so she learned something
very different than I did.
It it if I become one of the
bullies, I won't be the one who
gets hurt.
And so she followed his lead,
and probably to avoid getting
hurt herself, right?
Because you you either join on
the team that's gonna bully, and
you see this in girl clicks all
of the time.
You either join with the ones
who look more powerful, or you
become the powerless.
And, you know, I get it, like
logically, as a child, you would
make that decision based on, you
know, survival and safety.
And that's what we did.
Um, we adapt.
And I think that we have to
understand that that's what's
happening when when you're
little, is we're adapting to an
environment that feels unsafe.
And when you have a raging
addiction in the home, chances
are you have a lot of feelings
of unsafety and trying to
navigate uncertain environments
every day, depending on the
level of addiction, how your
body registers it.
Anyways, that's more complex.
And I would say that most
bullies are not born, they're
trained.
And you can see this.
I saw this in when my daughter
was little, and there was this
girl clique that dominated the
elementary school.
And I remember there were three
girls at the center, and we went
to the family picnic one day,
and I never pushed my daughter
to be in the main clique because
I didn't want her to become a
bully, obviously, because of my
own experience.
And so um, we were there at the
family picnic, and we had our
little friend that we hung out
with, and um, I was watching the
girl click, and the the the moms
orchestrated very, very much so,
they orchestrated the circle.
And the girls on the inside of
the clique sat together with
their moms, and then you could
see the other moms, and I watch
everything, right?
I'm very observant.
I watched the other ones, and
their daughters were gonna sit
somewhere else, and then they
said, Oh no, let's go sit closer
to them.
And there's no judgment.
I think maybe we're all all
trying to resolve our childhood
trauma, right?
Like, I think that you can see
this playing out in the world on
the internet right now,
especially people trying to
resolve their childhood trauma
anyway that they know how.
And there are a bunch of, you
know, crazy people who just need
a little bit of therapy or
coaching, and they're they're
creating a lot of destruction.
But you know, I'm gonna, I just
watched a documentary last
night.
I'll talk about that in a
minute.
But like, okay, so there's these
little girls, and their moms
were the ones who said, no, you
we need to go sit over here next
to that group because they
wanted them to be in that group.
And I thought that that was
interesting because I was like,
well, why would you want them to
be in a group that they could
get kicked out of?
And I did a lot of research on
girl bullying, click dynamics,
because I wanted to make sure
that I knew how to protect my
daughter from the complexities
of girl cliques.
And, you know, we've all seen
mean girls, or hopefully you
have.
If you haven't, watch it.
It's very interesting because
it's not far from the truth.
And I think that, you know, that
pattern can run up into adult
life.
And I think that, you know, even
grown-ass women experience
bullying in this girl click
environment.
I did in my mom group that I was
in uh when I was, and I even
participated in it because I
didn't want to be the one kicked
out again.
Um, bit me in the butt later
because I was so against who I
am.
I couldn't, you know, match the
meanness, and so I was kicked
out, thank God, because I don't
know who I would have become.
I'm sure I wouldn't have.
But anyways, I got distracted.
Um, so let's look at it like
this that that bullies are
trained, and some of them, who
knows?
Maybe there's some mental health
issues that they're born with,
like narcissistic personality
disorder you can't do anything
about.
Let's all just that's true, but
that's not what I'm talking
about.
I'm talking about learned
behavior.
And I think that normal conflict
is normal, right?
Like I think conflict is normal.
Like that's how we grow and
learn, and that's how we learn
to adapt, and that's where we
learn resiliency.
So, you know, sibling rivalry,
sibling conflict, that that's
totally normal, and that should
happen, right?
But when we look at like the
bigger scale, I'm thinking back
to this group, it leaked out
everywhere.
The these two girl groups,
right?
So the the other girl group,
they didn't feel stable within
the center, the popular girls,
and because they were on the
outside.
And how they treated people was
almost worse than the girls on
in the middle, the ones that had
the core uh popular group.
And they were almost like the
hunchmen, right?
The ones who went out and made
sure that other people didn't
come in so that they didn't lose
their spot.
And I remember when I we tried
this uh dance class with my
daughter, and it was this local
dance studio, and it was easier
than the one that we were going
to, which was further away, and
you know, she Kiro really wanted
to try it.
And we went and the popular
girls were there, and I realized
maybe she does want to hang out
with them, and and that's okay
too.
Like, I have you know, you be
you, boo.
And um, so we go, and the girl
on the the lowest girl in the
pecking order was mad dogging
her the whole time, like
seriously, and I'm like watching
this because I'm very observant
as a person who grows up in an
alcoholic home.
You become like a super spy, you
literally see everything around
you because your hypervigilance
gives you a keen sense of
awareness.
Uh, there are some, you know,
there's some perks, and so I
watch everything, right?
I'm very observant, and I'm
watching this girl mad dog in my
child.
Now we're talking like
eight-year-olds, we're not
talking teenage, we're
eight-year-olds.
And I'm watching her, and I'm
like, why is she doing that?
And I became very curious, and I
realized that she was the low
man on the totem pole, right?
Or whatever it's called.
That she was the furthest out
from the core.
And she was afraid if somebody
else came in, the scarcity of
opportunity in the group,
someone would have to leave.
It was a scarcity thing.
And it was because there wasn't
enough, right?
There wasn't enough space.
Someone has to be on the outside
or someone has to be beneath
because it's a hierarchy so that
other people can feel better, so
that other people are the
popular ones, so that other
people are the ones who are um
above everyone else who are
being worshipped, right?
Other people aspire to be like.
Now, this is very helpful in
some areas of life.
Like, you do want to have a
mentor.
I have a massage mentor who I
wanted to aspire to be like, and
it helped me in my career
tremendously.
He didn't abuse power though,
and that's the difference is
when you aspire to be like
someone who is abusing power.
Now, as soon as they have your
admiration or they have your
desire to be within their
circle, now we have an actual
problem because you're gonna
start handing your power away to
them.
And so last night I was watching
this documentary on um
Manosphere, I can't remember, I
think that's what it was called,
and it's on Netflix, and they
just released it.
And um, it was disgusting to see
what these men were teaching
young men.
Now, I love a good male role
model.
Like Tony Robbins, I've been to
his conference many times.
I think he is an outstanding
male role model.
And I think right now the world
needs strong male role models
for young men because
unfortunately, many of them did
not grow up with them in the
home.
And I think that they're
starving for that.
And unfortunately, they're going
to people who abuse power as a
way of learning what a man looks
like because they didn't have
one.
And I think that's sad.
And I know, you know, I've
talked to a lot of single moms
where they were like, I just
need a strong male role model
for my son because I don't know
how to teach him how to be a
man, and their their dad
buggered off and I don't know
what to do.
And I remember being in that
same position when I was little,
and I was very lucky because I
had some really strong male role
models, especially in sports,
show up with my son and um
taught me how to be a boy mom,
right?
Like I didn't know how to be a
boy mom.
I never didn't know anything
about little boys.
So I, you know, would take him
to the monster trucks and all
the things just because I didn't
know, and I wanted to make sure
that he had all of the
experiences that I thought he
might enjoy as a young man.
And, you know, I'm gonna get
back to bullying though, but I
just wanted to say that it was
really that that documentary
that showed me the extreme
bullying, and it was disgusting,
and it was laughed, and it has
the most views on TikTok, and uh
it was so against the very
nature of human kindness that I
I felt like, oh, this is why you
haven't wanted to do social
media marketing because
energetically you see a lot of
what happens in there, and you
didn't want to be in that world.
And I also think on the flip
side that we can be a light in a
place that is very dark.
And, you know, I know that
that's part of my mission on the
planet is to be light in dark
places, and it's you know, hard
sometimes to go into a place
that is so cruel and to say,
hey, you the kindness created
you kind.
That's a phrase that I always
say whenever I'm faced with
cruelty.
Um, and you know, what's the the
light, the path of light right
now?
And you know, that's not always
easy to do, but it is at the
core of my essence, who I am.
So when we look at like some
bullying, because I think we get
bullying wrong a lot.
I think that um that word is
thrown around too too much, and
I and I think that sometimes
there's normal kid kid stuff,
right?
Like we'd wrestle, we'd fight.
Like there was normal kid stuff.
I remember, you know, as kids,
there was normal fighting with
the neighborhood kids, and then
we'd resolve it like five
minutes later and run off, and
we were all best friends again.
We didn't have anyone mediating,
we didn't have to get the school
involved, like we figured it out
because we wanted to play
together and we learned how to
resolve conflict within our
social group in order to keep it
happy.
Now, the world is different.
We have the internet, and kids
have no shutoff for bullying
because I could go home and you
know, if there was friends that
were bullying, they weren't
there.
Unfortunately, there was the
other stuff, so I never really
were out of it, but you know,
that's a different story.
So, um, healthy conflict with
kids.
It looks like kids argue and
then they reconnect and they do
some rough housing that both
people enjoy.
My son and his friend, oh my
god, when they were little, they
would sit there and pound the
crap out of each other.
He still does it in the forest,
and they all love each other,
they have rules of engagement.
I'm like, wait, just start your
bike club, but that's just how
they hang out, like they like
it, and so I don't worry about
it.
And um, it's mutual, it's
consensual.
They like they enjoy boxing,
it's a way of uh, you know,
whatever I don't understand the
man brain.
I'm not gonna go out and punch
anyone.
They enjoy it, and I don't and I
don't care.
Um, because we know he's safe
and he's got rules of
engagement, and you know, it's
it's consensual.
So, and they they all enjoy it
for whatever reason.
I don't need to understand the
human brain, I don't need to
understand the male brain that
much to understand that I can
just hold space for the fact
that they enjoy it.
If you're a boy mom, you know
this, right?
Like, you know, like so.
And so, like when my son found
his best friend, literally, I
think within seconds, they were
like rough housing, and I was
laughing.
I was like, oh my gosh.
And the other mom looked at me
like, is this okay?
And I was like, Is this okay?
And then we were both like, oh,
thank God they needed this kind
of a friendship.
And they became super great
friends because both of us
understood how boys work.
And um, so here we anyway.
Anyways, uh, so rough housing,
teasing that goes both ways.
Teasing is kind of like flirting
sometimes, right?
Like, I think that you know, you
there is a healthy amount of
teasing and it and it's playful.
It's when it goes too far that
is the problem, when you're not
registering, okay, it's time to
stop.
Um, and you know, emotional
repair happens naturally.
That they the nervous system
gets activated and then it
resolves.
This can actually be a good
thing.
When I was at public speaker
training, they literally had us
tell our worst nightmare, our
worst, our our biggest fear, and
mine was of being in a room and
speaking about the things I've
studied and learned and
researched, and having people
with a higher level of degree or
education than I have dismissing
everything I said because I
didn't go to Harvard.
And so they basically, you're
you're giving your speech and
they act it out in front of you
to teach you how to regulate
your nervous system while you're
being attacked, um, speaking.
And it was a really powerful
exercise.
It was very activating for me,
and it was extra hard because
the people I loved.
We just spent these like weeks
together um learning and and we
were had like we were so close,
and then to watch them all
attack me, I was like, it
brought something deep and
visceral up for me, but it was
also very healing because I
learned that I would survive and
I learned how to navigate it and
then forgive them all because I
knew they were just actors
playing a role in my life to
help me be stronger.
So let's see what happens when
you're little and you have a lot
of repetitive bullying, and this
could be from a parent, this
could be from online, this could
be from um your siblings, it
could be, you know, there's so
many places bullying comes from.
Um, it's bullying is repeated
behavior, it's a power
imbalance.
One person feels unsafe, there
is no repair, there is no
resolution, and there's no
escape.
Now, when this happens, the body
literally registers that it's
not safe, the world is not safe,
their body's not safe, I'm not
safe, I have no power.
This is where everything changes
because the body doesn't care
what you call it, it tracks
safety, power imbalance,
repetition, and resolution.
And healthy conflict, there's
activation, expression, repair,
and calm.
And bullying, there's
activation, fear, no repair,
repeat.
So the system adapts into
freeze, which is shutting down.
So you've seen we saw this polar
bear video when I was studying
with uh Peter Levine's Semitic
Experiencing, um, where the
polar bear was neutralized with
the tranquilizer, and it
literally went into all states
of this nervous system where it
was first it f fought and then
it ran.
And then once the um
tranquilizer, there was like
this, oh my god, I'm gonna like
freeze, and to watch it freeze
wide awake, it was actually
quite activating for me because
I was like, that's basically
what I go through on a daily
basis.
Um, when I was really at the
height of processing through
some complex PTST.
Um, when we're looking at the
bullying, we're adapting, we're
freezing, we're shutting down.
So, you know, your body
literally will freeze to protect
itself.
And then you might start
placating your people pleasing,
which means I'll do anything to
get you to stop bullying me and
just freaking like me because I
need to belong here.
This is my family, I need to
belong, which means I'll give up
all of my self-respect or rights
or worth just to get you to stop
hurting me.
These decisions are made by a
child who didn't have other
strategies.
I want to repeat that they were
made by a child who did not have
other strategies.
So it's important because what
happens is this person grows up
with hypervigilance, scanning
constantly for danger or for
everything, patterns and shame
loops.
It must be me.
So then we also take
responsibility for everything
because we think everything is
our fault.
And you know, a lot of verbal
abuse embeds this in your mind.
So when we're looking at the
sibling dynamic in dysfunctional
homes, kids organize into roles.
One becomes the target, that's
who I was, and one becomes the
protector through aggressive
behavior.
And I remember never knowing
when I was gonna get a smack
down from her.
I mean, I remember one day
running from her because she
stole my wallet and she
literally chucked it at the back
of my head, and I flew forward
and I was crying and it hurt.
Like I remember the sting of it,
and it hurt so bad.
And I walked inside and my
stepdad just laughed and he was
like, Well, what'd you do to
deserve it?
And the answer was nothing.
She stole my wallet.
I asked for it back, and it was
painful on all levels, right?
Which meant I also nobody would
ever come to help me.
So I also learned control that I
was the only one who could help
myself because there was nobody
around who would help me.
That's a dangerous lesson to
learn at six.
I'm just saying, because then
you become over-controlling,
you're criticized for it, and
then you go to like learn how to
use your intuition, and you have
such high control factors.
The universe is like, we gotta
work through this control issue
that you have.
And I'm like, Yeah, but did you
see where I learned it?
What am I supposed to do?
We'll talk about that later.
Um, so sometimes literally the
most dangerous bully, and this
is this is also true, is not the
one who's the overt bully, it's
the passive aggressive one.
They tend to hide behind
victimhood, they manipulate your
perception of reality and they
avoid accountability at all
cost.
So they don't look like the
obvious villain because they're
not the ones with the bruise,
but they might be the one who's
picking, picking, picking,
picking, picking, picking until
the other one explodes on them.
Now that's dangerous because
they already know the other
person's triggers and they're
trying to keep themselves in the
victim role.
You'll see these people creating
victim consciousness everywhere
they go.
That is still bullying.
It is bullying.
To trigger someone, either on
purpose or unconsciously, to
hurt you is also bullying.
I need you to understand that
they create just as much harm
because now the other person is
in this cycle of abuse with them
that maybe they didn't even sign
up for, but they haven't yet
learned how to regulate their
own nervous system.
This isn't about blaming or any
of this.
I just need you to have
awareness of it.
So if you were the receiver,
your body learned safety comes
from managing other people.
And you'll see the a whole bunch
of these people in Al Anon.
And, you know, they tolerate
mistreatment, they wait for
apologies, they seek closure
from the person who hurt them.
And this was the conversation I
was having with a client
yesterday, um, because we were
talking about sibling dynamics,
and her sister was dead set on
getting closure from her,
apologizing, and she did, but
for things they did that when
they were a kid, but like
there's no closure here.
It's it's not gonna close.
You have to close it yourself.
If you expect the same system
that hurts you to take
accountability and
responsibility for healing you,
you are still handing your power
away.
If you wait for the same system
that hurts you to create healing
for you, you are still handing
your power away.
It is very important that you
understand that because they're
not going to.
The only one who can close the
loop is you.
I remember this one um coach
said, You didn't create it, but
you're the one responsible for
healing it.
And that was really powerful
because I think there was a big
part of my life where I wanted
validation for the things that
happened to me in my life, and I
wanted someone to take
responsibility and to
acknowledge it.
And that caused me more
powerlessness and anger than
just about anything I've ever
experienced in my life.
And letting that go was the most
self-empowering thing I have
ever done.
And that required me to do a lot
of forgiveness meditation, do a
lot of inner work, and taking
full responsibility for where
I'm at in life.
That was the only way I could
move forward.
And I've had some crap happen,
but that was the only way I
could move forward.
And I have a system of tools
that I use to do that.
I have like a oponopono, which
is the Hawaiian prayer of
forgiveness.
That to me was probably the most
powerful one that in the
beginning of my journey helped
me the most.
And I would have it on in the
background all of the time just
to ease the old pain.
And then there's this other
meditation, and I have one on my
YouTube, I can put a link below.
It's the morning miracles
meditation, and it does take you
into forgiveness with someone
that's either consciously or
unconsciously draining your
battery.
And I just did it this morning,
and you know, it was an old
tenant of mine.
And as soon as I got done with
the meditation, I realized that
he was just the last bully that
I allowed in my life to lie to
me.
And, you know, in the
meditation, it also pulls up all
of the other people who might be
energetically corded in through
that same um energy system.
And I immediately felt better
when I got up.
And um, it was funny because I
went and dumped my coffee pot
water all over the floor.
And not me in the past, but me
over the last kind of five
years, once I got into that I
just want to hide mentality.
Um, I literally dumped the whole
coffee pot water all over the
floor.
And it was the first time I I
like really laughed about doing
something so stupid instead of
saying, like, why does this
always happen to me?
You know, it was like, oh my
gosh, you should wear your
glasses when you're making
coffee tough.
And I just laughed and I was
like, all right, this is I guess
I'm gonna mop the floor while
we're doing it.
I guess the universe was like,
hey, maybe you should do a
little cleaning today.
So like, which is my natural way
of being.
I've never been the type of
person who was like, why is this
happening to me?
I have always been, how is this
happening for me or through me?
And it would, it was a weird
place the last five years of my
life to live in a place of not
having that access to that, and
a horrible feeling because
that's my natural state.
And looking at the world through
a victim consciousness was
probably the hardest thing I've
ever had to come out of because
I was unprepared for it.
And it's not my natural state.
So it felt so good, actually,
funny enough, to spill all the
coffee water all over the floor
and laugh about it and be like,
I guess this is the universe,
like this is how I'm gonna clean
today.
This is good.
Um, and then oh, how can I turn
this into a funny story for my
podcast?
So here's my here's my guide for
you.
If you're struggling to get over
a bully in your life, or if you
know, even you, if you were a
bully, because you who who
cares?
Let's all do a bunch of
forgiveness, okay?
Because many of us grew up in a
time in life when we had one
parent at home, or we had
parents recovering from some
pretty big stuff that they
didn't have the tools and
strategies, so they made a lot
of bad decisions in a world that
was changing very quickly.
You know, the the 70s we had
commercials that were
interfering with our decisions.
And, you know, we can talk about
that at a later time, but we had
new things that people didn't
know what to do with or how they
were going to impact the future.
And I was watching this comedian
last night, and he said he was
at the he was a millennial, so
he was born at the time where
the internet was just coming
online and you had to wait like
a really long time for pictures
to load.
And I was laughing because I was
like, Oh, I remember that.
Like it was like patience, and
now you can have anything in the
click, like one second, and you
can have access to any kind of
information that you want,
including lies, including lies,
a lot of lies.
And how do we know what's true
or what's not true?
And it was like this really
great thing, but he's the one
who talked about the um
documentary that I went and
watched.
And it was just interesting to
see these influencers with so
much power and influence over
people.
And it scared me a little.
And it reminded me that we all
have a voice in what happens in
the future of the world.
Now, we're either gonna use our
voice to be the light in the
dark, or we're gonna hide and
wait for it to be over.
And it was funny because after I
got out of the session with my
client, my phone changed, and it
was this Tony Robbins saying
that we did at uh UPW, which was
I will lead, not follow.
And I've really been struggling
to uh heal my brain and to find
my voice and to do the branding
stuff that I'm supposed to be
doing, and it has been really
hard for me because I just have
this real, really strong need to
feel invisible right now.
Um, and you know, it it is
something that I've been working
through, and that's why the low
back pain last night made me
look at the physiology of it,
but then also where have you
been holding your head down so
that you don't have to see
anything that's happening around
you so that you can still feel
safe because you're still afraid
of bullies.
And this client of mine, as we
were talking, she said that her
sister was waiting for closure
from her.
And I said, that's funny because
closure doesn't come from the
person who created the wound,
closure comes from you.
And the more you learn that your
closure is yours to create, the
less people can take your power
away in any situation.
And some of the most painful
experiences in my life have been
the most powerful teachers and
moments of transformation.
The problem is we don't teach
people how to do that.
We don't teach people how to
take responsibility for the
outcome of what happened so that
they can make it some something
meaningful.
And I remember after the worst
part of it, I just kept
thinking, I'm gonna turn all of
this into my purpose, and that's
gonna fuel me to get through
this.
And and it did.
It made me get up every day and
do the inner work and keep doing
the work.
And, you know, sometimes the
tools need to change based on
where you're at on your journey.
And I think that's where, you
know, having a guide, having
someone help you who can see
from the outside uh is very
helpful because you do need to
understand which tools to use at
the right time.
So forgiveness, that's number
one.
And it's for you, not them.
There's a really cool like daily
forgiveness meditation that you
can do by Dr.
Matt James.
Uh, it's on YouTube.
I'll post some links in the show
notes.
And then also, you know, I have
my morning miracles meditation
that includes forgiveness.
But first we fill ourselves up
with love and then we forgive
others.
And don't force yourself to
forgive someone yet.
And you know, if you don't want
to, that's fine.
But if it's impacting your life
and draining your energy, you
need to move on.
And the only one who's going to
create that closure for you is
you.
So, and that's just the truth of
it.
Um, so we can also use the
superconscious recode.
That's my favorite, because
it'll just go close a lot of
those energetic loops up without
you needing to go unpack the
original event.
Uh, and oh, we also learned this
really powerful tool where we
walk someone through going back
and looking for the original
event.
And it's called a massive change
history.
And it is a somatic experience.
So we put in a new anchor that
you you know you go sit with the
version of you who created the
pattern because we're only
looking for patterns that are
stopping you from moving
forward.
I'm not the type of coach that
goes in and looks for patterns
that aren't impacting you.
Um, we only look for the block.
So if you want to make more
money and you have a fear of
visibility, and visibility is
the part that's gonna get you to
move forward, we look for the
core wound this time or a past
lifetime, and we just clear it
and install a more empowering
belief.
And that's uh the massive change
history.
Um, and sometimes, you know,
it's it's an identity level
issue where you're not actually
aligned with that.
Like you don't really care about
wealth.
Maybe you just care about
passion and your mission on
planet Earth, but you'd also
like to have money, then we have
to go and say, okay, well, let's
prioritize the mission and let
money follow.
Um, which can also be true.
And, you know, there's just all
kinds of different tools and
strategies that help: hypnosis,
NLP, superconscious recode, SRT
therapy, uh, energy healing,
physical somatic body work, uh,
all of these things help to
create a better experience of
life than you're having right
now.
And they're all great tools at
the right time.
So I say most of the time it's a
matter of learning how to
regulate your nervous system.
You can do that through breath,
tapping, uh, movement, uh, get
anything to get you out of
freeze mode.
And the other one, then, you
know, then we're looking at the
mind.
How do you witness your thoughts
as separate from you and then
decide how you want to move
forward?
And that's a lot of mindset work
where you're witnessing, you can
use the model.
Brooke Castillo has a whole
podcast on it, the super or um,
the life coach whole podcast
changed my life.
And um understanding your frame
of reality, and that's where the
Enneagram comes in because it
gives you a user manual to your
mind.
And I think that this is
probably the most imperative
tool that everyone needs to
learn.
Because as soon as I had my son
take the test recently, he's a
five.
And I'm like, oh my God, that
explains everything.
I totally understand you now.
Now I know how to work with you
better so that we have a
beautiful relationship.
Because that's my priority with
my kids is to have a beautiful
relationship.
And that looks like me not
forcing my perspective on them,
but by witnessing the world
through their perspective and
guiding them on their journey.
So I have very different
definitions of parenthood than
most people do.
So what um, so Enneagram,
understanding your world,
emotional regulation.
Your emotions are not always
real.
They are impacted by your diet,
they're impacted by your
environment, they're impacted by
your hormones, they're impacted
by your energy.
Are you picking other people's
stuff up like a giant sponge
with no way of releasing it?
Um, your emotions will fluctuate
constantly, depending on many
different factors.
So, emotions, yes, we need to
witness them, process them, but
we do not have to see them as
always real.
I know when I used to have my
period and I had PMS, what I
thought was real would shift as
soon as it was over.
And then I'd have to backtrack
and go, what the heck just
happened to my mind?
That doesn't feel like it was me
at all.
And that's why I say our
emotions lie because I have a
lot of evidence that my blood
sugar levels, if they're off, I
will see the world differently.
Um, if I'm feeling very
activated by someone, my mood
will shift.
They shift.
Uh I think the emotion chemical
lasts 90 seconds.
The thoughts that feed the
emotion will either make it
shift or it will make it stay.
So, and then the other thing is
is spiritual healing.
Do we have soul contracts with
these people?
That our soul was like, hey,
that sounds like a good lesson I
would like to learn.
How do I make sure that I learn
how to process bullying so that
I can help others later in life?
Who knows why our souls create
these weird contracts for us?
Um, you know, it but we can
clear them.
And that's where, you know,
spiritual healing work,
superconscious recode, um,
anything that's working with,
you know, past lives without
needing to go in and see what
they are.
We can just clear the energy
from them, other timelines,
things like that.
Those loops can just be closed
without needing to go in and
explore it.
Unless you like to have a girl
in our tribe who just loves to
go look at past lives, and I'm
like, I'm fine with this.
We can go there.
Um, but just don't get stuck
there.
Still decide on what you want
and then choose different.
So, one of the exercises that I
really love.
Is imagine that you're in a
white room and that you have no
past, and there's a door in
front of you that just says
possibility.
We have the ability to make new
choices from our future all of
the time.
And then there was this other
statement I found in one of my
old journals last night, and I
don't remember where I got this
from or who taught it, but it
just felt like it resonated with
this episode.
And it just says, you know, you
can put your hand on your heart
and say, I acknowledge that
through the power of my
commitment of conscious and
unconscious, I have created my
life the way it is now.
I now choose to use this power
to create my life the way I
consciously choose it to be.
Breathe that in.
Say it slow.
Hand on your heart.
That's how you take your power
back.
Have a great day, my friends.