Should Is Where the Suppression Starts

Show Notes

Building on the sequence from the previous episode, Brian zeroes in on a single word that runs almost invisibly through the inner monologue of people who are stuck: should. It sounds like moral clarity. It sounds like the voice of a reasonable adult. And sometimes it is. But there is a specific version of should that does not point toward any action at all, and once you learn to hear it, the distinction becomes impossible to ignore.

Brian lays out the full grammar of suppressive should. It always arrives with a but, and the but is always followed by a because. I should feel grateful, but I do not, because. That three-part construction is where the rationalization engine starts, and it is also where the moment of honest signal gets buried. The real cost is not just the feeling being suppressed in the moment but the pattern it builds over time, where the signal stops arriving not because nothing is there but because you trained yourself not to receive it.

He also traces how this plays out socially, where the should gets performed in front of friends who confirm it, and that confirmation acts as a substitute for actually working through the underlying feeling.

• How to distinguish a directional should from a suppressive one
• The full grammar: should, but, because as a suppression sequence
• Why socially performing a should replaces actually resolving it
• The connection between this pattern and limiting beliefs
• A simple listening exercise to begin catching the word in real time

The assignment for now is simple: just listen for the word in your own head without trying to fix anything yet, because what comes next depends on being able to catch it first.

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Creators and Guests

Host

Brian Mattocks

Host and Founder of A Mason's Work - a podcast designed to help you use symbolism to grow. He's been working in the craft for over a decade and served as WM, trustee, and sat in every appointed chair in a lodge - at least once :D

What is A Mason's Work?

In this show we discuss the practical applications of masonic symbolism and how the working tools can be used to better yourself, your family, your lodge, and your community. We help good freemasons become better men through honest self development. We talk quite a bit about mental health and men's issues related to emotional and intellectual growth as well.

[00:00] And yesterday we talked about a sequence of events where, and I'll give you the quick refresher, where somebody was celebrating something that they had achieved that was amazing.
[00:11] And I had this kind of stepwise response through an initial very strong reaction, which probably was some level of, well, we'll get into it.
[00:25] And so when we walked through the reaction, it was an initial strong reaction with then a sort of a transmutation of that reaction to something like an attack.
[00:38] And then from there, something like a gratitude that I could use to commiserate with a colleague.
[00:44] Uh, this kind of stepwise kind of emotional language and intellectual language is what happens to me upon occasion.
[00:56] And I say to me, I think this happens to a lot of people, but, um, I'm happy to be wrong here.
[01:00] This, this sounds like it would be amazing if no one else felt these ways.
[01:04] But, uh, as you're busy trying to sort of deconstruct a sequence of events like that, um, it's real easy to stop at the end and kind of be like, oh, well, I'm feeling gratitude now.
[01:16] And that's great.
[01:17] But what I want you to look for in a sequence of emotional responses like that is the feeling or the mental vocabulary of the word should.
[01:29] And you heard it yesterday in yesterday's episode, I said, I should feel grateful for what I have.
[01:37] It's one of the most common words in the English language and one of the least examined.
[01:42] We say it probably dozens of times a day without even registering it.
[01:47] I should get to that.
[01:48] I should be further along.
[01:50] I should be grateful for what I have.
[01:51] In other, in other episodes, we've talked about this as the what if.
[01:56] Should sounds like a conscience.
[01:57] It sounds like, um, you know, a moral standard of behavior or maturity.
[02:03] And sometimes it is right.
[02:05] But there are specific versions that function differently.
[02:09] And once you learn to hear it, you can't unhear it.
[02:12] And here's how you tell them apart.
[02:13] A genuine should.
[02:15] When you say I should do something, it's directional.
[02:18] It points to a behavior.
[02:19] It points to an action.
[02:21] Uh, I should call my dad.
[02:23] I should help clean up the park.
[02:26] There's a clear action, a clear relationship, an immediate next step.
[02:30] It has weight and direction.
[02:34] There's another kind of should that's kind of like, uh, a hedge or a break against behavior.
[02:44] It doesn't point anywhere.
[02:47] It just kind of falls flat.
[02:50] I should be grateful for what I have.
[02:53] I should feel differently about this.
[02:57] You notice the difference.
[02:59] This is the one we're after.
[03:03] This, I should feel a certain way.
[03:07] The full grammar of it goes like this.
[03:11] Every suppressing should that you say becomes, uh, this, this phrase.
[03:20] Okay.
[03:20] And the phrase goes like this.
[03:21] I should feel grateful.
[03:23] And here's the second word that always follows a should.
[03:27] But I should feel grateful.
[03:31] But, and that immediately, of course, you know the answer, right?
[03:35] Because I'm not, but I'm not.
[03:36] I should feel this way, but I don't.
[03:39] And then from there, there is the rationalization process.
[03:43] It's a because.
[03:45] I should feel great, but I don't because.
[03:50] And this is the place where we begin the process of trying to figure out what is going on with
[03:59] ourselves.
[04:00] Every time you're presented with a series of words like this in your head or feelings of
[04:04] emotions, um, this is essentially the beginning of a process that we use to suppress ourselves,
[04:11] to repress our own feelings and change the way we are.
[04:16] Oftentimes it sounds like an observation.
[04:20] It sounds like a rational thing.
[04:22] I should feel happy, but I don't because this is not the way this is not for me,
[04:27] or this is not what's going on.
[04:29] Other times it becomes something even more subversive.
[04:35] And we're going to get into this over the course of the next couple of episodes.
[04:38] This kind of thinking is an outrageously difficult thing to deprogram because it is the foundation
[04:46] of limiting beliefs.
[04:49] This kind of should script doesn't just run in your head.
[04:54] It gets performed.
[04:55] You take this should on the road.
[04:59] You take it to the, you know, sitting up front of the coffee shop or sitting out with your
[05:05] friends when you're at the water cooler or having a beer and you publicly start to take
[05:10] on this kind of virtue signaling.
[05:13] I should feel this way.
[05:14] And I, you get the confirmation.
[05:17] Yes, you absolutely should feel that way, which acts as a surrogate for actually feeling
[05:21] that way.
[05:21] It doesn't really matter what happens with the emotions.
[05:27] What happens is the tension that we've kind of skipped over that little bit of discomfort
[05:35] that we translated into an attack, then a recoil and a translation, and then an award,
[05:44] right?
[05:45] Some sort of attention seeking or some sort of commiserating or what have you.
[05:49] So this mechanic begins a series of processes over time that kind of build on each other
[05:57] and what they really serve to do more than anything else is they serve to keep you stuck.
[06:05] So between now and tomorrow, just listen in your head for that word should.
[06:11] Maybe you'll feel it as a visceral recoil.
[06:15] I should.
[06:15] You don't have to do anything with it yet.
[06:17] We're going to catch and work on that tomorrow.
[06:20] We're going to talk about this a little bit more.
[06:21] But once you start hearing that, once you hear how often your mind and your body responds
[06:28] to the word should, there is an instinct in that present moment to act.
[06:36] And when we lose it, we repress it and we tend to lose it forever.
[06:42] Let's talk about it more tomorrow.
[06:43] Let's talk about it.