Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Hosted by veteran communications strategist and leadership trainer J.Marie, Your Friend in Leadership is an inspiring and approachable podcast created to empower today’s public leaders. Each episode delivers strategic insights, transformative ideas, and actionable communication tools to help you better connect with your communities and move your mission forward. With deep appreciation for the important work of public leaders and the knowledge that leadership and communication are skills that can be built and improved, this podcast is your guide to confident and effective leadership every step of the way.
(Music)
J. Marie
Greetings friends, I'm delighted that you found your way here to this sweet little podcast all about communications and leadership. And today I'm going to continue the trend. You know, last session we talked about conflict and ways to make conflict more productive and engaging. So I'm going to continue the trend of talking about some of the things that I think make leaders uncomfortable. And that is this idea of giving and receiving feedback.
J. Marie
As a culture, we're not really great about giving and receiving feedback. In fact, and we're kind of afraid of it and we compartmentalize it, right? Like we formalize it. We think if we give it so many steps and specific techniques, then that'll take some of the sting out of it. And we do it only at specific times a year, right? Like during performance review or during an annual survey.
[00:01:03:06 - 00:01:24:10]
J. Marie
And I think, you know, we're afraid of giving negative or critical or constructive feedback. And then there's like techniques to do it. You know, oh, before we're done today, I'll talk about the feedback sandwich and why I really hope you'll stop feeding that to people. I think at its heart, we worry about feedback because it is a form of judgment,
J. Marie
right? We are seeing something in ourselves or in someone else and we are assessing whether it's good or bad, whether it's effective or not effective, whether it's moving something, moving the work closer to the goal. It is a form of judgment. And oftentimes judgment is used in negative ways, in controlling ways. I mean, it, you know, even just the word, it has some pretty heavy connotations to it. And when you think about who we all are as human beings, we are a very social species.
J. Marie
Even those of us who are introverted, we belong in society. We might like to belong in it in very measured ways, but our brains evolved to be in relationship with each other. And so expressing judgment, receiving judgment can feel threatening. It can feel like it is a threat to our status within the group. In fact, some sociologists have categorized the things that we are afraid of. And some of the deepest fears are around being rejected, being humiliated, being perceived to be insignificant. And if you think about those things, those all have to do with having our status within our group threatened, right? Like if we are rejected in ancient times, being rejected was outright dangerous. If you were not part of society, your very survival was at risk. To be humiliated or perceived as insignificant is to be shunted aside. So giving and receiving feedback, it is an incredible gift. And I'm going to talk about that in a moment. But it is right alongside some of the things that we as a social species are most afraid of or nervous about. So the first step to getting over some of those fears around giving and receiving feedback has to do with making it routine, normalize it, ask for feedback all the time. Not in a, you know, needy, I need your approval kind of way. But if your request for feedback is deeply grounded in helping you to do this important work better, to be more effective, to be more productive, that is an empowered place to then ask your colleagues, those who are above and below you in the org chart, your friends, your coworkers for feedback. That's an empowered place to ask for feedback from when it is deeply grounded in the intention to be able to do this thing better. So make it normal and give feedback normally, routinely, not just waiting for a performance review or a survey. So part of why we fear it, in addition to those bigger psychological reasons I mentioned, but also we sort of fear it because we have compartmentalized it so that we only do it on occasion. And so then when we do it, it can feel like this avalanche of like, whew, like when you read through a survey and it's like you need to only read like half of them and then give yourself a break and then come back and read more. Because it comes in as an avalanche because we're asking for it for too much, too infrequently. So ask for little bits of feedback all the time, normalize it, make it routine. That'll help minimize some of the fear. And then the other and even more important aspect of kind of making feedback more routine is to reframe it as a gift. And I don't just mean reframe it like in some sort of lala, oh, if we call it a gift, it's better. No, actually intend it as a gift. When you give feedback, the first thing you should do is check your intention. Am I seeking to share this information with this person because I genuinely believe that they don't know this and that by me sharing it with them, it will help them to do the thing that they're doing better. And if that's the case, and is it something that they can change? If those three things are true, then when you share this information with them, it really is a gift. You're helping to open up a blind spot for them. So now they know something they didn't know before they have the opportunity to improve what they're doing and be better. That is a positive reason to give feedback that is giving it as a gift. And when you receive feedback, when someone takes the time to tell you about what you're doing and how it's affecting either them or the process, choose to view it as a gift, even if what they're saying is hard to hear. Maybe even especially if what they're saying is hard to hear.
J. Marie
Recognize that it took some courage for them to tell you that.
J. Marie
And I don't always agree with the feedback that I receive. I don't always act on it. That comes down to discernment. I have to hear what they had to say. I have to apply my discernment. Do I believe that they know the audience well? Do I believe, do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their intention? There's a lot of things that come into it in terms of whether or not I choose to change my behavior based on the feedback that they gave. Regardless of those other questions, I find that I am better able to hear what they have to say and I'm better able to preserve the relationship if I receive their feedback as a gift. If I choose to see it, that if they didn't care, even if they delivered the feedback very poorly, even if it came across as very ham-handed or almost insulting, but if I can view it as a gift, if I can remember that if they actually didn't care about me or didn't care about the work that I was doing, then they wouldn't bother to tell me that whatever their perspective is. So even if the feedback's hard to hear, I remind myself that it is a gift that they are giving me. It is a window into one person's perspective on how I'm coming across and on the work that I'm doing. So make it routine, perceive it as a gift, and then I want to share with you a couple tips for how to go about seeking feedback and a couple tips for how to go about giving it.
[00:07:28:19 - 00:08:15:20]
J. Marie
So when you are asking for feedback, remember you are asking someone else to spend their time and energy assessing something that you've done and giving you their perspective on it. So you are asking them for a gift. You are asking them for their time and their perception. Check your intention, because if what you really want is a compliment, or if you really want an atta boy or an atta girl, then go to your bestie. Go to your sweetheart and brag about what you did today and ask them to tell you how great you are. That is perfectly legitimate. But if you are asking a colleague or an employee or a supervisor for feedback, for guidance, make sure that your intention is, "I am asking for, I want to hear what your perception is good, bad, and indifferent." So be sure to check your own intention. Do you want a compliment? Do you want feedback?
J. Marie
Honor their timing, because when you're asking for someone else's input and for their perspective, you are imposing on their day. So if they are busy, if this is not a good time, respect that and ask for a time that would be better. Schedule it so that it works for them, so that they can give you the time that it takes to reflect on what you are asking them and to then share with you a considered opinion and perspective.
J. Marie
When you're seeking feedback, whether it is from a supervisor or colleague or whether you're putting out a survey to your larger community, tell people upfront how you're going to use the information. "I'm asking for your perspective about XYZ because I am going to do this event again in the future and I would like to make it even better next time. Are there opportunities to improve?" Or "I'm asking for your perspective about how I handled that conversation just for my own growth in learning and I'm not going to share what you share with me, I will not be sharing with anybody else." So tell people upfront, "Or I'm asking for your feedback about this program or event. I'm going to collate your input with a lot of other people's input and then I'm going to share what I learned with the board." So tell people upfront whether what they share with you is going to be for your personal use or for your organizational use and make sure that you're clear upfront if you're going to be sharing their input with other people. That is just a matter of respect but it also builds trust over time so that people will be more confident to give you feedback in the future if you are clear and honorable in how you frame the use of that feedback.
J. Marie
When they start sharing the feedback with you, listen carefully. Be willing to acknowledge valid points. So if someone's sharing some feedback with you that is difficult for you to hear but you know that some portions of it ring true to you, acknowledge that. Thank them for being willing to share that information with you. Ask clarifying questions where needed.
J. Marie
This is really important.
J. Marie
If you are hearing feedback that is difficult for you to hear and if you end up finding yourself feeling defensive or overwhelmed or emotional, own that. Acknowledge it. It is absolutely okay to say, so say you were asking for feedback and you were quite frankly maybe expecting that it was going to largely be positive and when they give you the feedback there were some really big issues with your work product or the way you went about it that you honestly didn't notice. When they bring it to your attention, you find yourself getting defensive. If you respond in a defensive way, if you start saying, "Well, but I meant this," or "No, you didn't see it like that," or if in any other way you start pushing that feedback back onto the person, what you are doing is closing the spigot of future gifts.
J. Marie
If you push away feedback, whether you've asked for it or whether they just have come and offered it for you, but if you then tell them that they're wrong or that they didn't understand it all or in any of the other ways that you might become defensive, you make it that much less likely that they're going to take their good precious time on this earth to give you feedback in the future.
J. Marie
If you find yourself getting defensive, it's absolutely okay to say, "Gosh, I wasn't expecting that feedback and I'm going to need a little time to process it. I need a little time to think about that. Can we meet again tomorrow or meet again later after lunch?" or whatever the case may be to circle back to this conversation because I'm going to need just a little bit of time to make sure I think that through. Give yourself permission to be human and to emote, but be really careful that you are not defensive or quite frankly, offensive. Sometimes we get into the offensive mode. And then I want to close with a couple of tips for when you're giving feedback. Just like when you're asking for feedback, I say start with your intention. When you want to give someone feedback about their behavior, their work product, or their performance,
J. Marie
I encourage you to pause and check because if you find yourself wanting to give someone feedback because you're annoyed, like I might give them a little feedback, that's not the right frame of mind. That's offensive. That is not giving someone feedback in the spirit of giving them a gift. So be really clear when you go to give somebody else feedback, am I simply annoyed and I want to give them a piece of my mind? If so, that might be valid and that might be a different conversation to have, but that is not the spirit for giving feedback. Giving feedback is about, "I believe they don't already know this. I believe I have a perspective that can be helpful to them." And I think by giving them this information, they can do something differently about it in the future. It will help them to be better. So check your own intentions and be really clear about that before you go to give someone else feedback. When you're giving feedback, be careful about your assumptions on the why.
J. Marie
Speak to the behavior you see. I notice you came in 10 minutes late today and that caused us to have to back up on our agenda and revisit some things we had already covered. That's a specific behavior with a specific example, not, "It's really disrespectful," or "I don't like how," when you're always late. Saying that something is disrespectful, you're attributing your assumption of what their behavior means. Saying words like "always" and "never," it's usually incorrect because humans have variation in how we behave. So even if someone is frequently late, the odds that they have always been late are pretty slim. And if you use the word "always," that other person's brain is going to go picking around through the files of the past to find that one time when they showed up two minutes early. And then they will discount your feedback because you overgeneralized it. So be really intentional to be specific, to speak to behavior, not to motivation or intention. Sometimes it's an overused thing, but use "I" statements. "I noticed this. I wonder that. I noticed you did it this way. In my experience, this other way is more effective." Or "Have you considered this?" So these are some phrases I'm tossing out that you can use to make your feedback easier for the other person to hear.
J. Marie
And then similarly to the idea of when you're seeking feedback, I say honor someone else's timing and turf. When you're giving feedback, be really mindful also about timing and turf. Are they in the middle of the big project that you're having them work on? Are they overloaded right now? If so, this might not be the time to give them feedback. Or if it is necessary feedback to help them be more effective, then think about when's the right time during the day? Do I want to do this at the beginning of the day to help set them up so that the rest of this day can go well? Is it the kind of feedback that I think maybe I wait to the end of the day so that they have the evening to process it and come back the next day and be more effective? Be intentional about the timing when you are giving someone else feedback, especially if you're giving them critical feedback and opportunities for improvement.
J. Marie
But most importantly, I think just be more courageous about both giving and receiving feedback. Make it more normal. As kids these days are saying, normalize it. So normalize feedback, my friends. Thank you for spending time with me today thinking about these things that I think matter. I hope you have a great day. Take good care of yourself. Know that who you are and what you do is important. Be well. Take good care, friends.