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Join Christine Spratley in this enlightening episode of 'Fuck Fear' as she dives deep into the concept of identity and fulfillment. Drawing from personal experiences and professional coaching sessions, Christine explores how roles and relationships often define our identities, and how true fulfillment comes from understanding who we are beyond those labels. She introduces a practical exercise involving three columns to help listeners assess their roles, daily actions, and the aspects they truly love. Christine's journey of personal transformation and wisdom offers valuable insights to help you navigate transitions and embrace your authentic self.
00:00 Introduction and Excitement for Today's Topic
01:03 Exploring Identity and Fulfillment
02:52 Identity Exercise: Three Columns
03:52 Diving Deeper: Actions and Personal Spice
06:21 Personal Anecdotes and Identity Realizations
09:05 Transitioning and Maintaining Identity
25:00 Practical Steps to Understand Your Identity
27:56 Conclusion and Upcoming Segments
Creators and Guests
What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?
This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.
My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.
We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.
So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.
26 Fuck Fear
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[00:00:00]
Christine: Welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like a head bitch in charge in HBIC. Um, today I'm actually really excited about I, I think I say that a lot, but I am excited today. Um, it may just be that I've been listening to some music on the way in, um, but no, it's actually, I am gonna [00:01:00] have a series of these and it's about kind of identity.
We talk a lot in and on this podcast about being fulfilled and what is fulfillment and how the fuck do you find it, and all of that stuff. And you know, it's in, in personal life and then in work, and then spiritual and then physical. And so much of what I have come to understand, um, about myself is a lot of my fulfillment has to do with my identity.
And recently, um, I've been having conversations with my friends, both men and women. And then also in my coaching, I. I've been working with, um, some women that are going through transition summer, kind of in transition in jobs, and then some are doing coaching on their overall fulfillment plan, like who they are, what fulfills them, what goes on.
But part of this has been about identity in that [00:02:00] fulfillment and understanding what your identity is, who created it. As far as where, you know, where are we getting that information from and what do you want it to be? So today I'm going to kind of go through just a, an exercise about identity and one of the things that we do.
So it's kind of like I, when you've ever moved somewhere, okay. And then things change. Like you have to drive down a new street, you have to find a new dry cleaners, like all of these things about your life. They're not your identity, but they're your norm and they're your convenience and your and who you kind of are in your daily life.
And so much of what we think of identity as is this thing, but it's really who are we in our daily lives. So. I kind of start off with this exercise with a lot of people, and it's three columns, first of [00:03:00] all, and we're gonna go through each one. But the first column is, you know, what are the big identity columns?
Like, what are you, when I say identity, what comes to your mind? Some people may say, I'm a mom. I am a business woman, I am a wife, I am, you know, a daughter. I am all of these things, right? And then it's kind of like, so they list, I am the VP of such and such, I am, you know, whatever it is that, how they see themselves.
So. One of the next things I kind of go is, okay, well those are big, broad things, right? Those are big, broad categories, and how do you dive down into that? And so rather than ask them that, I go, tell me for each one of those and column 'em two for each one. Let's go over what are, what actions do you do?
What are you as a, as a wife, as a mom. [00:04:00] How much does this time, you know, what are the things that you do, you know, in, in your daily life? Because that's who you are, right? That's who you show up as. And what's funny is, as we're going through this, one of the reasons, and I'll, I'll kind of give you a sneak peek in this, but one of the reasons why is on that first list, in that first column, there's never a just me and me, it's, I am a wife.
I am a mother, I am, you know, I was a senior manager at Deloitte that did site selection and incentive negotiations. I was a negotiation of corporate, um, projects and you know, all of these other things. And it wasn't I am this, I'm Christine. What is that? Who is that? And it's interesting because when I say I am a mom and I say I am a wife, and I say, I am a businesswoman, and I say all these things, there.
In [00:05:00] relationship to others. And so that's why I kind of go through this exercises. I'm like, well, where are you? Well, I'm these things, well, where are you? What's your identity within these things? Because there's a lot of moms, there's a lot of wives, there's a lot of daughters. Um, you know, or Joe in this case for you, you're a husband, you're a dad, you're a business owner, you are a producer, but where are you?
And that's one of the reasons why I make the second column, which is, what do you do? You know, what do you do? And we kind of go through that. And usually what happens is they start listing all the stuff. And, and I did this, I actually did this, and I would list, well, I do this at work and this dah, dah, dah.
And then I started to have a conversation with them about column three. I go, all right, column three, what do you, [00:06:00] what about column two? Do you love, you know, what's your little take on when you do this at work? What's that little spice you add in your pie that you make that no one else does? And that's what, you know, like for me, I, I'll take work, for example.
I had all these things. Um, that I did, I would manage a team. I would, um, work with clients. I would negotiate incentive packages. I would speak to anybody from a governor to a construction guy, you know, putting, digging dirt, you know, and I would go through this, but I had to dig deeper and go, well, what do you like about that?
Like, what, what's your spice in that? What, what really do you like? So for me, my identity wasn't. My job, my identity was I love the puzzle. I love the puzzle. [00:07:00] And I love going through the maze, and I could always do this because I love Dylan with bureaucracy. I know that sounds so sick. Um, but
Joe Woolworth: I You're like the only person to say that sentence.
Christine: Well, and, and, and thank God for Brett Paselli. I think I've said this before, Brett Paselli, one of my. One of the guys that I dated down in Austin, Texas, very, very early on in my relationship was I, I came back from the city and I was so pissed. I was like, this, fuck, um, they don't know what they're doing and they wouldn't gimme this permit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he said, sometimes, Christine, you have to participate in there. Insanity. And that allowed me to be able to go, oh, okay, these guys are crazy. And that's the game. Um, but I do, I enjoy, and the, and the best way I can explain this is, remember Joe, when you would get those puzzles on those, um. What were those books when we were little?
The, the life books or the Oh, like at the dentist's office? The dentist's office. Or even like, you'd get 'em in [00:08:00] school and, and they were, they were larger. They weren't books and you could do the puzzles in 'em and it had all of these phonetics, you know, stuff. But they were, all of these, these mazes,
Joe Woolworth: I think in highlights is what you think high.
Yes.
Christine: That's exactly what it's, and they'd have the maze puzzle. Mm-hmm. I never started at the beginning, ever. I always started at the end, like the center and I would go, okay, back. Back. Okay. And, and so I love puzzles like that. So some people enjoy puzzles and they start at the beginning. So for me, I.
Bureaucracy was a big puzzle and it had a lot of avenues you could go down and people that you could talk to that get you absolutely nowhere and you'd get, and so for me, I would always start, okay, this is where I wanna be and I could work it back. And, and so I enjoyed finding the pathways and it was, it was interesting.
I enjoyed that and I enjoyed understanding the people [00:09:00] around that. And, and that's what it gave me. So. My identity and, and kind of go into this a little bit more about in the next phase, my identity I thought was my job, right? And there was a lot of things caught up in that, who I worked for, the name and the door, um, the income and all that.
But really when I started doing this for myself, I go, okay, what do you love? What do you really love about what you do as a mom? For me, a stepmom as a, a wife. Um, now I'm, I'm single, so, but what did I love about that and what can I take from that? And then from a job, 'cause I don't do that job anymore, but I still, I got on a phone call today with a gentleman and we were just talking and he was talking about their urine's coming up and immediately my brain kicks in.
My brain's like, oh yeah, I remember, you know, I remember that. And, and, you know, [00:10:00] June, June 30th year in, so everybody's, they were doing budgets. And I said, so do you have a user or lose it budget. You know, you, if you don't use it by, by the end of June 30th, you're gonna lose it for next year's budget. And you know, all.
And we just start talking. And so my brain kicks in. It's that puzzle. It's that conversation. So I don't do that now on a daily basis. I don't negotiate land deals. I don't do any of that, but my identity is wrapped around what can I do with puzzles? And part of that is coaching. 'cause it's a puzzle, you know?
And, and you know, part of I'm, I'm getting ready to go on a marketing thing with, 'cause it's year, you know, fiscal year in for people. I wanna go, Hey, if you got budget and you need to get rid of it, let's sign me up for next year and pay me now. And, you know, and, and so I get to do those things. And so what's interesting though is that.
When you look at what you love about what you do, that's part of you. That's, that's the you part. It's [00:11:00] not the them part, it's the you part. And one of the things that I really like about understanding identity is getting out of this is what society has told me my identity is. I mean, this is what society has told me is, or defined, you know, and taking that on and going down to really having the conversation with people about who you are and.
It's sometimes, I know for me it, I was so removed from who I was that it took me a long time and I would start with, okay, what do I enjoy? You know, what do I like about this? And then we'd go down deeper. And it's really interesting to see [00:12:00] how many people identify them through the eyes of others themselves.
And then when all that goes away. When you have a transformation, like for me, I, I did it all at once and, you know, wasn't, wasn't planned, but I did it all at once. You know, I got a, I got out of the industry that I was in, not just the job, but the industry I was in, um, went out on my own, which is, you know, I didn't even stay in a job where they hired me and gave me a W2.
It was, I went out on my own. Okay. And then. A few months later, I found out I had a brother Uhhuh, a younger brother. You know, a few months later I separated from my, from my husband and all of that. And then at the end of the year, I found out I was biracial. So, talk about a flip of my identity. So this has been a path of, okay, well what did I love about the things that I did?
And it's been [00:13:00] a very hard path because. The other day I had a, had a lunch with somebody that I used to work with and we sat down and I walked, Aw. And we had a great lunch. But I walked away going, Ooh, that didn't really feel, that felt very different. That felt very uncertain. And what it was is that I'm so used to interacting in a certain way because of my identity of what it used to be.
And now I don't do that. And so I had to sit down and go, okay, well what did I like about what I used to be with that I, with that identity and that role? And what I've realized is that I get to take my identity. My job is the environment in which my identity displays itself. My relationships are the environment in which my identity displays itself.
My role as a stepmom is an [00:14:00] environment, a role in which my identity can display itself, but my identity is, is deep in me, and it's deep in you. That I think is a much more generous way to look at who you are as a being. Rather than go, oh, this is the role. This is, I'm a mom. Okay? And we know that. All right, you got your kids.
I don't get that. What are you as a mom? Who are you as a mom? Who do you wanna be as a mom? What color is that? You know, I don't get to, um, I know work in the same environment, but I also like, I, you know, I left my. My husband and I separated. So it's like, what is that? You know what, what am I as a single woman and that identity?
Well, that's just a role, you know? But that doesn't mean I can't be, [00:15:00] um, and I can't have interactions with people and still have relationships with people that have meaning that are deep in which I give and I listen and they give back to me. Um, so when I leave. An environment, I get to take those identities, you know, that identity with me, and I get to find a new environment in which to display them.
And I think for me, the last couple months has been really hard because some of the, I, some of the things that I love that I used to make me feel good at work or in my relationship with my husband, those things have, are not there. I don't get to do 'em. I don't get, I don't have a chance. Right. I. I am not in the same environment to display that.
So what I've found and is that I get into a little bit of fear and go, oh, wait a minute. I must be doing something wrong. No, I'm not doing anything wrong at all. [00:16:00] I just haven't found a new environment to display those, so I have to seek that out. So I've started to seek that out. I started to have much more strategic conversations about people in my business.
You know, I've started to, the other morning I got up really early 'cause I do, um, anybody who gets my mugshots know that I'm up by six and typically the dogs wake up at 4 30, 5 o'clock. Um, and so I read this, I, I love AI and I, I've, you know, taken courses at MIT and I still am studying it and, and interacting with people in it.
And so I read, started reading white papers on it. And then I had a conversation late or you know, earlier this week with someone about the white paper. So again, and we're going to actually have that on our as a podcast. But again, what I've realized is in when you're making transition, okay. Whether it be a job, whether it be, you know, your relationship or whatever, when you're making a transition, [00:17:00] what happens to, to people is they have this identity, not the, not, not the relationship was identity, but they got to display part of themselves that they love to display and they got to have that active in that role.
Okay. And then when they leave or move or transition and make a transition, it's like, well, I don't have, I don't get to go display that anymore. So where is that outlet? Where is that new environment? You know, some people find new relationships, some people find new jobs, some people. Where is that that you get to take what you loved about that and get to display it.
But if you are always going, well, that environment is my identity.
I, I don't think you're looking digging deep enough, and I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. And I know for me, when that job became my [00:18:00] identity, my world got real small. My life got real small, and it got real into protecting it because if that's it, if you're tied to it. Then it can't do anything.
It can't grow. I mean, it is whatever it is, and, and then you're done. If it doesn't work out, you're screwed. But if you find out who you are in there, what about it? And I hate saying this to people, especially when I talk to business women. They let us look at me all the time when I'm crazy. But what tickles your heart about it?
Like what, what gets you, what, what, who are you in that environment? When are you knocking it out of the fricking park? Whether it is one of my friends is a tutor, we'll have her on. And, um, she is like these, like, it's so funny, she's, she's a teacher with me, like, she's like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's, I swear she's like, [00:19:00] you know, because I've watched her tutor her kids, she tutor college kids and she tutors us like seventh graders, you know, so it's like all over the place.
But she gets in that tutor teacher voice with me and it's really funny 'cause it doesn't annoy me, but. That's just who she is. And she has this thing about her and it's great in a conversation. Um, and, and she brings that out. So it's like, who are you? Who are you, what, what are is your identity? And again, when I make that list and they, people make that list to me and we go through this exercise when I'm coaching, it is so amazing that me never shows up.
My identity is self never shows up. It is everything around us. And it's like, okay, well if all that goes away, what's left? What's left? Who are you? [00:20:00] Who are you? Because again, everything we have is borrowed, you know? And it's all gonna go away someday. But what it doesn't mean you can't treasure your love or your children or anything like that.
It has nothing to do with that. But who are you in these roles on this stage? [00:21:00] Who do you want to be on this stage? And that's what I talk about, fulfillment, you know, because sometimes I'm on a stage I don't even wanna be on because it doesn't match my identity. And I think that is really powerful when you realize that you can walk off and you can take you with you.
One thing I, I say, and Joe, we did this with my speaker will, I think it's in there, is that whether I am sitting in a boardroom. Suit or, you know, looking good. You know, my hair's done, my nail's done, you know, just looking strategic, you know, like a businesswoman and I'm, now, you know, I'm going through my stuff or I'm on, you know, I'm, I'm doing some deal or something like that, that looks highfalutin.
Um, is high [00:22:00] flutent. I don't think people say that anymore.
Joe Woolworth: I feel like we should. It's right up there with shenanigans. Shenanigans. We should bring them back.
Christine: That and britches, I say britches, you pull, pull up your
Joe Woolworth: britches. We're up to some high fluent shenanigans around here.
Christine: I always say, put, pull up your bridges. Shit's getting deep. But you know, that's usually because we have high flute and shenanigans. Um, I, I just, it used to, I used to say that and, um. There's another one that I used, I used to drive my, drive my husband nuts with saying stuff like that. Lordy Almighty. 'cause my grandma used to say that.
But what I, what I think is really interesting is when you take all that away and I'm, I'm looking all good, and I'm dah, dah, dah, dah, and then I go and I do speeches, you know, and it's fuck, fear. I am still, I still have the knowledge. I still have the years that I've worked in business, I still have all that.
Whether I'm [00:23:00] wearing my Cindy, you know, my Blondie shirt, or I'm in a business suit, I still have my identity and I still have all of that stuff. It doesn't dissipate or go away, or I'm not less of. And I think people that in, in my experience that I've seen that are really strong in who they know, who they are with their identity.
They can be in any room or outside any room and be okay. They can be, you know, wearing Louis Vuittons or they can be in Sketchers and be okay. I. And that is way more powerful. I mean, Joe, have you ever walked into or met somebody who's who you just know they're really solid in who they are?
Joe Woolworth: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Christine: Okay. Now [00:24:00] think about this. When you, when you've met them, when you've made the first time, there's just this presence that they have.
Joe Woolworth: Yeah, I agree. Or like a lack of anxiety. Yeah. Or a stress that everybody else is carrying.
Christine: That's exactly it. Because they're, they're just okay. Like they know that they're all right.
I was talking with a, a person today, same person I was talking about budgets with, and we were talking, he was talking about his daughter. It's getting ready to graduate and, you know, some social anxiety going on and, and I go, who doesn't have social anxiety? You know, I don't care if you're a high school or senior or you know, 30 years in business, we got some social anxiety.
But there are people, and I have less of it when I know who I am, because then I know I'm in this environment and I'm, I'm who I am. There's no need for me to perform. There's no need to be more or less. 'cause I know where I fit 'cause I know who I am. [00:25:00] So we're gonna do this and we're gonna go through a couple segments on identity, but there's the three columns.
Okay. Start with the three columns. Label. What are your labels? What are, what are your roles? What environments are, do you categorize yourself? What are your, what's your identity? And then column two for each of those, write a bunch of what you do. What are the actions that you do? And it can be long, especially for moms, moms working and all that other stuff.
And you know, dads too. But what is your day to day? And then look at that and go, what do you, what do you love about any in your column three, what are your vibes about Column two, what do you love and what do you hate? Why do you hate it? You know? But come out of that understanding that what [00:26:00] you love and that spice that you add to that recipe, you can take that and go other places and have other stages and have other roles.
You don't lose who you are. When you lose a stage or you lose a role. You get to change different things about you, but you also get to take what you love and go find a different stage where you can perform and be who you are. This has been a really living kind of thing for me, real time and it's also been really interesting to coach people through this.
And then I have another group of women that kind, we all kind of coach each other through different transitions and stuff. And the, you know, [00:27:00] identity is a big thing. And when I lose kind of my sense of identity. Then I start going, Ooh, I need to, I need to grasp that. Or, Ooh, I have doubt about this. I need to get this job right.
You know, it's that, like you say, Joe, it's that anxiety, you know, I can't be in the gray. And what I've learned for me is most of the, most of life is in the gray and the fun's in the gray, and part of that's just me being Ory. Because I like being in the gray. I think people don't use armory enough either.
Joe Woolworth: Yeah.
Christine: Um, but ladies, gentlemen, what's your identity? Not what anybody else around you has told you, but if it all went away today, what's your identity? Who are you? Find out. Find out. And then in the next few segments we're gonna talk about changing that [00:28:00] identity. And also changing the stages in which you have the environments to display those identities.
And we're gonna have some guests in as well. So until next time, tubs