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Authentic gay conversations on personal development, life coaching, and mental health. Join Keegan Hirst, founder of Gay Man's Coaching and former professional rugby player, for weekly real talk about gay lifestyle, coming out, relationships, business, and authentic living. Deep, honest conversations that help gay men build confidence, find community, and create vibrant, unapologetic lives.
Hello, guys, and welcome to Kiki with Keys. This is my new podcast. Actually, it's not new. This is something that I've been doing with clients of mine for years, putting out like a weekly podcast for, the guys who are in game on's coaching. But usually what I talk about is things that are going on in my own life, challenges that have come up, and usually some kind of key lesson in and around personal development, growth, challenges overcoming them, and all the kind of good stuff that, you know, I generally talk about.
Keegan:And I actually wanted to roll this out to everybody because I think it could be useful and hopefully it gives you an opportunity to get to know me a little bit better, get to have a bit of an understanding of what's going on in my life, but also for me to be able to help you a little bit. Now, I mean, there's been loads of stuff going on in my life. Anybody who's having any kind of renovations done in their own house, you'll be able to relate to this or if you've ever done it. We've agreed on a new kitchen getting done, which is terrifying if I'm honest. It's probably the most amount of money that I've ever ever spent and I'm absolutely kacking my britches that it could go wrong, I might hate it, it could be awful.
Keegan:Also a big commitment like me and Joel are, you know, putting together on the kitchen. We've decided that we're not moving and again that feels like that's probably the biggest commitment I've ever made in any relationship with anybody ever. I mean, I did get married to a woman, since coming out I guess. Although I feel like this is a bigger commitment than getting married, like some kitchens last longer than some marriages do right? So yeah it's a bit of a risk but that actually ties into something that a conversation that I was having with John.
Keegan:John is our resident psychotherapist in GMC. At GMC we have psychotherapist, physiotherapist, you know, we have a big team that helps the guys out. We catch up regularly and we were talking, I thought it was really interesting to talk to John who's a psychotherapist, and we were talking about why people get stuck in their lives, why they don't make progress, why they keep doing the same things over and over again. You know, the people that say they want to change but they never actually get out of their own way and never actually start to change. And we were talking about it and the big thing that came up was it boils down to risk or rather than it boils down to risk, it boils down to avoiding it.
Keegan:You see, people people confuse doing something with doing the right thing. People often get shiny object syndrome or they kind of rationalize their own problems because most people aren't lazy. I'd like I genuinely believe that. I am one of those people who believes the best in people. I believe that people are generally kind, they're good, they want the best for themselves and for people around them.
Keegan:And I appreciate that everybody has a level of self preservation of course, but I do think that people generally want to improve, to have a better quality of life, want to look after themselves. They're not, you know, lazy and spiteful and selfish as the news would have us believe. But what people do do is they appease themselves with with things that they they can kind of kid themselves that they're doing. I I hear this all the time. I so many people, I mean, don't have it anymore in GMC because I boot them out, but I used to get people who would sign up to GMC to get coaching to grow as a person, and they'd never do anything.
Keegan:And they'd just go, well, you know, it's enough for me that I've got a coach, but then they'd never take action. You see this as well with people, they go to therapy, they say that, oh, I'm going to therapy, but don't actually action anything. They don't make any changes. They say that they're working on it but really you know people do know these people who do like course after course after course but never implement anything. I call them course hauls and they never do anything because they never take the action that actually moves the needle forward for them.
Keegan:And often that is down to fear. It's down to a fear of failure, a fear of embarrassment, a fear of being seen trying. Because you can't change your life without that risk and if you are not willing to, I guess for want of a better phrase, be cringe, be seen to not get things right, be seen to fail, be seen to not be perfect. If you're not willing to do that then you're not ready to grow and you won't grow. You'll just stay stuck because you'll always play safe and you won't take any risks because there's a difference between effort and impact.
Keegan:You can be doing a lot of things, but you can be doing a lot of things that don't actually matter. And that's the big thing. And this covers every area of growth, like whether we're talking about your physique, your career, your relationships. They all involve a risk of failure, a risk of rejection, a risk of not getting it right. And people there is a special power in being able to fail in public.
Keegan:And I know why so many people are scared of this, particularly something that's prevalent in gay men is because, you know, best little boy in the world syndrome, we equate our worth to our, whether it's productivity or being perfect or people pleasing or insert thing that you do to overcompensate. So many people do it. And that's why a lot of people are scared to be seen failing but it's something that's very prevalent in gay men. I don't know if you've ever heard of Brene Brown but Brene Brown quotes an American president, Theodore Roosevelt, who he had a big thing about the man in the arena. And basically he's talking about how it's easy to sit in the cheap seats.
Keegan:It's easy to sit and watch people, spectate people making an effort to change their life and say they've failed, they're not doing well are they? Did you see they tried to do that and they didn't get very far? And I think that's what so many of us fear being on the other end of. But the growth that happens for people is the people that are in the arena, not the people that are in the cheap seats. And in life you're either in one or the other.
Keegan:You're either watching, you know, you're in the cheap seats, you're watching, you're judging, you're scrolling, or you are in the arena. You're doing, you're risking, you're learning, you're challenging, you're trying to grow. Social media has really exacerbated this. You know that people are scared to fail, people are scared to try, people are scared to be seen as try hards. And yet you can look on social media and you can see people who are not as talented as you, who haven't as worked hard as you or don't know as much as you and yet they are willing to fail.
Keegan:They are willing to fail publicly. They are willing to get into the arena and get out of the cheap seats. And so you don't get that reward without the risk of embarrassment. So your level of growth is directly proportional to your level of cringe. Are you willing to be seen as cringe, try hard, are you willing to go against the grain?
Keegan:You know it's one of those like just a good example is when people go to lose weight or they start going to the gym themselves and then people around them go, oh you've changed or oh you're doing this different or oh who do you think you are? And then so many people capitulate because their friends have said something that doesn't fully support them and then they stop. So ask yourself, where in your life are you sitting in the cheap seats? Where in your life are you convincing yourself that you are participating but you are actually just watching? You are a spectator.
Keegan:Because once you know that you can get really clear and then you can take action. And clarity is the biggest thing that drives confidence. It drives commitment because when you know where you are and when you know where you are, where you're trying to get to and what you need to do to bridge the gap, that gives you clarity. And it's so much easier then to commit to what you need to do while you're in that arena to grow. Clarity means knowing what you want, what it takes and what the trade offs are that are involved.
Keegan:Because there is always a trade off. There's a trade off for a relationship. There's a trade off for a promotion. There's a trade off for a physique, there's a trade off for a friendship, there's a trade off for a social life, there's a trade off for not doing anything as well. And you have to ask yourself what are you willing to trade to get the thing?
Keegan:Know, for look at, I don't know, a doctor's degree. Know, are you willing to trade x amount of years of your life and x amount of money to then have the potential to become a doctor and then, you know, earn x y and z and do whatever. Very few people the trade off is worth it because you have to love what you're doing. So you do need to know what those trade offs are. But once you have that clarity, you can fully commit.
Keegan:And When we talk about commitment, something that I have learned over the years of my own personal development, getting in good shape, being a professional athlete, developing as a public speaker, building a business, growing an online presence, is that it is so much easier to be a 100% in than it is to be 60 or 70% in. And a 100% doesn't mean being perfect. It doesn't mean nailing everything all the time. It doesn't mean not making mistakes. A 100% in means being fully invested.
Keegan:I am making this happen and I'm doing what it takes. Because the danger of being 6070% in, that's the area that so many people fall into and it's enough to feel like you are trying, like you are making a conscious effort, but it's also enough to sabotage and stall any progress that you make. It's like when people diet through the week and then they get on the pace and they have a pitch and stuff and they go to the gym and they do that at the weekend and then they go I'm trying. And they are trying through the week but then you know the 30% that they're not in because they're not a 100% in, they undo the work that they've been doing. It's easier to be a 100% in because when you're like, I don't know, 80% in, you are constantly negotiating with yourself.
Keegan:You know, when you go to a party, am I having a drink? Am I gonna have some pizza? Am I gonna skip the gym today? Whereas when you are a 100% in, it's no, I'm not doing that. No, I'm not doing that.
Keegan:Yes, I am doing that. It's all the decisions, are often made for you already and it just makes it just makes it so much easier. Whatever you are trying to do, like whatever area you're trying to grow in, physique, relationship, career, doesn't matter, finances, you know, that should always be in like your top one, two, three priorities. If it's ever not in that, you ain't gonna grow in it. Simple as that.
Keegan:It is as simple as that and it's so important to go all in. And I know that that's scary and I know and this is something that I experienced myself in one of my therapy sessions. I remember talking to my own therapist about this, why should I have to do this? Like why should I? I was actually talking about my own parents and my dad never been around and my mom being emotionally unavailable and the impact that it's had on me as an individual.
Keegan:And you know, all this stuff that we kind of have to unpick whether it's to do with worth, whether it's to do with value, whether it's to do with the blocks that have got us into the position that we're in, know whether we use food to solve problems that you know ideally we'd use other things for. These things that we have to unpick to be able to grow. It's really easy to sit and point the finger and go, well I shouldn't have to do this and we shouldn't have to do it. Like it's not our fault that bad shit happened to us. But bad shit happens to people all over and it's not a competition about because it's all relative.
Keegan:Bad things happen to people. That is truly world over. But growing, healing, progress, they are our responsibility as an individual. It's not our fault that things happen but it is our responsibility to move forward. And I have so many conversations with people on Instagram who talk about wanting to grow, wanting to ask for advice or talk about wanting to grow GMC.
Keegan:And so many people fall into this trap that the world owes them some kind of validation or safety or result and the world owes nobody jack shit. The it rewards risk and it rewards persistence. And that that kind of, you know, what I was talking about risk earlier, everything is a risk. Everything is a risk. Taking action is a risk.
Keegan:Not taking action is a risk. But I can tell you of those two things there's only one thing that guarantees no reward. Doing nothing guarantees no change because if you do what you've always done, you'll you'll you'll get what you've always got. And when people are scared of taking action, you know, I always say to them, you have survived everything that you've been through. You're still here.
Keegan:So why do you think that you can't handle what's next? Why do you think that you can't handle a bit more risk? Why do you think that you can't handle change? Why do you think that you can't handle trying and maybe falling short? You know, I think I I just I I that's why I do what I do as a coach is because I think it is one of the biggest travesties that people keep themselves small because they're not willing to take a risk.
Keegan:So if that is you, ask yourself what belief is holding you back and also what would your life look like if you didn't believe that anymore? Because guess what? You get to choose that and people will go, oh Keenan, it's not that simple, it's not that. It can be. We're so good at overcomplicating things.
Keegan:We're so good at making things more difficult than they need to be. And think that that is something that is really important to remember. Don't get me wrong, I have not been perfect. I have made many mistakes, I've done many things that I wish I'd have done differently. But the biggest regrets in my life are regretting not doing things sooner or not doing things at all.
Keegan:Because I am who I am and I am where I am in my life because of the risks I've taken, the decisions that I've made, even the ones that I've got wrong. And I like where my life is and that hasn't always been the case but my life has got infinitely better since I started taking more action, taking more risks, asking for help, moving forward, giving things a go and being I kind of just going fuck it. I'd love to tell you that that all came from being really brave. And even when I came out, that was from hitting rock bottom and I was ready for taking my own life. Like that is how dark it was.
Keegan:So I'm not here preaching and saying it's easy to just take action, but that propelled me in a forward motion and it becomes a positive feedback loop. You take a risk, you have some level of success, your life gets a little bit better so you do it again and you do it again and you keep doing it because otherwise you're not taking a risk and then you're gonna stay still. And I know for me personally the worst thing that I could do is ten years go by and look back and go I'm in exactly the same place that I was in ten years ago, but I'm older, I'm closer to being dead, my body works a bit less, and you know, I've wasted that time that I was given because like there is a beauty in taking on that challenge and risking things and growing. So ask yourself, when was the last time that you took a risk? You know, really took one, really really gave something a go and dared to to try something?
Keegan:When was the last time that you were a 100% in on something and you fully committed? You know, stop. If if you take anything away from this podcast, and I hope it's helped you, is stop watching from the cheap seats. Get into the into the arena. Get into the thick of it.
Keegan:So there's something there's it's like a little joke that me and Joel have if we ever go to a bar or a club or anything. Rather than standing by the side of the dance floor and looking at the things I'll go, come on let's go get in the thick of it and just kind of wading. I'm a terrible dancer and there's a risk of looking like a dick but you know honestly it's just that I guess that's a tiny manifestation of just getting into the arena and getting into the thick of it. I think there's a theme song in there from a kid's, a kid's show that used to go into the thick of it, but I couldn't tell you what it was. But yeah, listen, like over the coming weeks I wanna talk about what's going on with the kitchen being fair, we're doing quite a few house renovations, I'm gonna talk about lessons that come up and I'm gonna keep these about twenty minutes so hopefully they can help you.
Keegan:You can just stick them on in the car or when you go for a walk. And yeah, my aim is to give you a good bit of value and just kinda get into it. But if I was to summarize this, remember that clarity creates confidence, risk is the price of progress. If you are not in the arena, if you are in the cheap seats, you cannot win the game. It might not be your fault the position that you're in, but it is your responsibility to do something about it and build the life that you want.
Keegan:So guys, take that from what what from take from that what you will. I hope it gives you a little bit of value. If there's anything that you want to ask me about you can always DM me on Instagram or you can email me kegangmanscoaching dot com. I would love to have a chat with you and help you out. But otherwise stay safe, look after yourself and I will speak to you next week.