Reclaiming Power: The Queen Within

You search for power. You expect to find it in a book, a symbol, a goddess. Instead you open an old email draft and find a version of yourself who already knew the truth.

In this episode I share a piece of writing I found in my drafts from two years ago. I had no memory of writing it. At the time I was still in a relationship where I felt unseen and unchosen. Yet the words spoke about reclaiming power, becoming my own queen, and never giving that power away again.
This episode is a raw reading of that piece, followed by the realization that sometimes the person you are becoming leaves you messages long before you are ready to hear them.

What is My Inner Musings?

My Inner Musings is a space for the thoughts we often keep to ourselves.
I talk out loud about life, relationships, change, and the patterns we notice as we grow.
These are real reflections from a lived life, shared with honesty, humour, and curiosity.
Nothing is polished. Nothing is solved.
Just honest musings, spoken in real time.

I wasn’t looking for myself.

I was trying to send a book to my Kindle. A PDF about Hecate. About power. About crossroads. I had to email it to myself, so I opened my drafts to grab the address.

And there it was.

A piece of writing from two years ago.

I don’t remember writing it.

I was still in a relationship then. Still trying to be chosen. Still negotiating my worth. And yet, in that draft, I was talking about reclaiming my power. About becoming my own queen. About never giving my power away again.

I thought I was looking for something outside of me. A symbol. A guide. Something to remind me of my strength.

But following that curiosity led me back to myself.

And this is what I found.

Blank slate, what comes to mind is everything comes in kind. Gestures are meaningless, words fall on empty ears. I’ve been haunted by years of memories and tears. I needed your love, your affection above all. I wanted the reassurance that we weren’t going to fall. Fall into the outness of your embrace. Now I’m sitting here with a memory of your trace. I craved so deeply to be loved and adored. Let myself get betrayed by the illusion of what you could give to me. I wanted to be on, above all else, to be yours. The emptiness still haunts me, as does the taste of our last kiss. I’m the only one sitting here trying to reminisce. You forgot me, left me to fend for myself. You moved on and built a life for yourself. I can’t say I miss that now, as I’ve found the love I deserve. The hardest part of all of that is coming to terms with all the things that should have been had. The “I love you,” the “you’re beautiful,” the words I once craved. They come from me now, from a place within. My own self heard the call to fill the cup you would never fill. I want so bad to let go of those memories, for why do I hold on to something that will never think of me, or yearn for what once was. It hurt. It hurt like hell. Sometimes I scream and wish I could yell from the depths of my soul, to call you all the names, to allow the rage from within out of its cage. To feel the passion burn and ignite, because I was so silent and didn’t want to cause a fight. That girl put on her gloves and she’s giving it her all. She’s screaming and yelling and heeding the call, the call of her soul to do the right thing, to let it all out, to purge from her existence the memories of it all. To lay you to rest, to put you away for good. She spent so many nights playing it in an effort to be understood. Never again will I give my power away. You took a piece of her soul that day. Reclaim it she has. She’s more powerful now.

I don’t understand why you are still haunting me, in my memories, my dreams. Why do I wake up and still have you on my mind. What is it that I need to utilize so that you finally get out of my head. I’m happy now. Maybe it’s hard to see how much of myself I gave up in order for you to want me. How sad she was. How pitiful it felt to not be chosen by someone who would not return the love she so candidly gave, wholeheartedly without really getting anything in return. Fuck, it hurt so much. I can still feel the burn. Not only the burn, the sting of rejection, as I stare at myself at the reflection of whoever she once was, what she wanted to be. A part of something, just you and me. I hope for once I can finally let go, get it out of my system so I can grow, be better, be older, something she always wanted to be. Be the person she was looking for when you saw nothing in me. The difference now is that she believes in herself. She’s so sure of herself now that there will never be any doubt. She can’t let anything, anyone get in between. What was once not visible is desiring to be seen. She deserves the world. She’s going to create it herself.

The power, the wonder, the might. Things she could never get right. Right is right now, and here she is, spinning spells of good fortune with her thoughts, her words, and all that is. She is magic. She is delight. She is a woman of her might. Small but mighty. She remains victorious in all things. The power of her belief is amazing.

She doesn’t crave the stuff she used to. She craves mind, freedom, the ability to let her fine energy be felt and seen. She has seen the effect when she turns on the magic. Case in point.

Her essence and her head are mightier than before. Watch the world she creates and what she has in store. Let it all out. Let the healing begin. Bury the past and the things she held within. Lay it out for all to see. The demons of your shadows are no longer hiding her prisoner in something that she could never be loved.

Black candle and magic, red lips and blonde hair. She can feel the muscles playing and the eeriness in the air. What she can wear with a thought. The way the world comes through in her mind. Her mind’s eye is so powerful there is nothing to deny. Enchantress of sorts. Dark feminine perhaps. She can feel the magic running through her veins. She’s on the verge of something big. You can watch from the sidelines now, wishing she was yours. Your rejection made it that much more satisfying to watch you mystified from the sidelines.

My mind is blown by how far I’ve grown. Before I would chase and crave. Now I just sit here and exist. I’ll teach you how to treat me, how to love, and the ways I need to be loved. No more chasing, crying, and waiting. That girl was young. She was naive. She couldn’t wait to be chosen and wanted to feel like someone special, be somebody’s queen. The one thing she needed to realize was that she was her own queen. Her self respect, the things she used to let slide, something that can no longer be denied. To be loved for who she is, for everything that she will always be. Respected for everything she has to offer. Finally be the prize.

She has so much to say but fell silent for so long. She was weak from within but now feels strong. Her power flows from her, her energy felt. She calls them from a distance and makes others melt.

I didn’t need a symbol. I needed to remember.