Trigger Proof Transmissions | I Have Been So Busy Pleasing Others I Have No Idea Who I Am Any More

Show Notes

Revelations from "Mom/Dad guilt Syndrome" case.
Listen in if you want to better understand your work to navigate through this.

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What is Trigger Proof Transmissions ?

Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.

This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).

These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
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Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
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It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
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[Music]

i don't care if they shut this off you need to hear [Music] this chess

can you hear it

feel that

can you hear it

wait for it

[Music] can you feel that

you feel that can you hear that [Music] anyway i just wanted to say hello i'm not sure if this thing works can you hear me okay does it is this like a little click click click here i have something very important that i wanted to share with you and i wanted to make sure that you got this i'm here in victoria and different setting so i'm going to uproot all of my equipment and stuff and uh had an amazing breath work session this weekend and i just felt exhausted afterwards sound as good okay great were you there yanny were you there at the breath work in badassery on sunday let me explain to you i don't realize it i go unconscious and i just i'm in such a state of flow that sometimes i kind of lose connection with myself because i'm so in that level of service and then afterwards what ends up happening after every time i do an event this one was a four-hour event where i was holding space for a lot of people's emotions had to leave early but you were there awesome um what ends up happening then is ah i get exhausted and then i had the i had to um i had the opportunity to welcome a whole bunch of new people into our program and do my group call on um on monday and what happens is i really put my heart into these trainings i realize that if you're going to give me your attention you've gifted me with um your attention because you could be scrolling and doing some meaningless [ __ ] but if you're taking the time out of your schedule and you're bringing your attention on me i want to make sure that i'm giving back to you something so that you leave here better off because of the time we spent together that's my commitment right had to leave early so i just wanted to make sure uh you know usually i'm i really want to be able to do content each and every day but because i since the covid uh people have been reaching out and we've been you know people have been requesting our help there's a lot of people that are like holy crap i'm so disconnected from myself the biggest complaint i've been hearing lately especially for from with mom guilt let me know if you've been struggling with mom guilt and this has been coming at me so much that i was like whoa i gotta do a training for you about this let me know if you can resonate with mom guilt hey crystal what's up i uh congrats on your elopement i know you guys are having a little shindig about it eventually when things open up i know i haven't really celebrated my wedding properly with people it's still been in kind of iso it's like when do i get to bring my wife to my family like it hasn't happened yet so i i see that that's what you're you're you're up to so that's really awesome but i wanted to talk to you about mom guilt crystal maybe you have some of this yanny i know you do it's never been a case where i've met a mother that doesn't have this and i got into a conversation a couple days ago um i haven't been doing these trainings because i've been helping all of these people with this exact thing so this pattern came up and i was like okay the first chance i have a moment in between clients helping people with this problem i have to do a training for you so that you can understand how you can resolve this mom guilt let me know what what it's like for you yes i'm working on it absolutely you are it's a full-time gig isn't it dancing with this mom guilt and so i was being interviewed by this business entrepreneur with four kids so she's an entrepreneur photographer she has a podcast and she's interviewing me because i get i have about three or four interviews a week from podcasts that are just been following and referred and they want to know more about this stuff about regulating your nervous system so that you can you know show up uh more authentic version of yourself show up like not like connected to your inner voice so that you are not so drowned by outside voices what are people thinking of me oh they're saying horrible things about me they're slandering me on social media or or you know my mother won't talk to me or the same the same consistent uh thing after being a chiropractor for 20 years listening to people's stories i've outlined the singularity model and i wanted to share this with you especially if it's in the context of mom guilt she said this one thing and it floored me and i said pause wait in the middle of the interview i took my pen out and wrote this these words down because i was listening to what she said and i was like holy crap this echoes pretty much every single mother that i've heard of that i've heard from and i just heard her say it and the pain in her voice what she said was i've been so busy pleasing others that i don't even know who i am anymore let me know if you know what i'm talking about and this doesn't have to be mothers i'm sure if you're a dad or if you're like an entrepreneur this was i'm not a mom but i can really identify with working so hard to get approval and pleasing that i'm like who the [ __ ] am i like who is this like i'm tired of putting on this mask so that i can have your approval let me know if you can resonate with this let me know in the comment section yes i can resonate please write that in engage with me if you're going to give me your attention you might as well engage in the conversation like get into you get your body into the conversation so i was like whoa when she said that i felt her and then i had to actually look inside my life because i'm not a mom i can't i don't resonate with that i'm working on work with moms every day yani you're one of our clients uh crystal you came to one of the workshops you're a mom you have the same thing so how do i resonate and it's like i had to look at how i do the same thing where do i

abandon myself in service of pleasing another person number one she she she asked me that question because she said what at the beginning of the here's the cool part of the conversation at the beginning of the conversation she said she told me she said what questions do you want me to ask you and then i always say ah i don't work on scripts in case you haven't noticed i like to free flow i said ask me this is the quest this is what i say to every person who interviews me people message me go what do you want me to ask about you what do you want me and i'm like well aside from the introduction of who i am ask me what you're genuinely curious about i want you to just let's have the conversation and it'd be based on your genuine curiosity okay i want it to be based on your genuine curiosity and she's like okay cool so you don't have to tell i said yeah totally and as we started having this conversation she started getting real which are the best interviews by the way because it's not rehearsed or scripted you can actually feel it i tell my i tell my interviewers just just whatever you're curious about ask because i have so much certainty i'm not like well i hope you don't ask me the wrong no because i know who i am and i know what i stand for and i know what i can contribute and i know my dark side and i know the things that i felt ashamed about you don't have to just whatever you're genuinely curious about i don't have a boundary about that and if i do i'll tell you you know what that's none of your [ __ ] business i'm okay saying that so let's go ahead let's just let's just keep that [ __ ] real let's do it she said those words i've been so busy pleasing others that i have no idea who i am anymore what do i do would you like to know what to do would you like to know what to do the answer to that is to first be able to see yourself as a mom as a dad and first understand your role and why you've gotten to that point where you're like i don't know who i am anymore why you got to that point how did i get there and you have to go back and realize it started when you were a little girl little boy where an apparent situation who wasn't emotionally attuned with themselves and wasn't able to see you or wasn't doing very well you might have gone gotten an identity out of pleasing good girl or or helping or fixing you know like things were not safe so you had to step up and take on that role of pleasing fixing helping and then here's the crazy part excuse me i have a little thing here's the crazy part not only did it get you that perceived safety for a moment but you also got recognized for it you were like good girl wow you're such a helper right and so now what ends up happening unconsciously through no faults of your own through no fault of your mother either because she's so not she doesn't know how to regulate herself and be able to see the kids in those moments she then loses touch with herself and now has you and then says good rewards you which isn't a bad thing this is not a bad thing it's just that in the egocentric state the story you make unconsciously is that in order for me to be accepted and be loved i must fix i must do these things so who am i well i'm gonna be whatever the [ __ ] i need to be in this moment so that you can then you can then give me love you can then say you're good you see how it works it starts there the first fracture from ourselves and then we start to grow up in in social situations school where we are perceiving rejection we have a moment-to-moment choice do i speak my authentic truth and experience the pain of that rejection shut down because they don't know how to see us or do i keep this mask on and be whatever i have to be to have your approval welcome to the game this unconscious game of self-abandonment that continues to go onward and onward until you don't really realize it until you are in a relationship then you get into a relationship where you're pleasing to get that external validation you're pleasing to get that external validation the only way to heal from this is to spot it when it's happening

and to see the other side of it and this was the thing that i told her that completely blew her mind and i said the way that you heal this is you have to first see what you're getting out of pleasing i don't know who i am i just please others i'm doing this for everyone this is the story that most pleasers will give

and so i said so what are you getting out of it and she was like uh i'm doing it for the approval i'm not that's so and then she starts going [ __ ] that's so sneaky oh my gosh that's so selfish wow i didn't realize i'm like that's the first step to healing this you must get to that revelation many don't they'll walk around with this badge of i'm an empath i'm uh i'm a pleaser i'm a chronic disease to please oh this is what i do it's like this is what i am this is what i do oh my god abhor me i'm so and then the first part is meeting an [ __ ] like me when i go [Music]

my name is dr nima romani and you've been listening to the trigger proof designed to teach you the most important skill necessary for a dramatically changing world which is nervous system regulation and becoming trigger proof doesn't mean trigger less it means learning how to regulate ourselves to bring us back to center so that we can then be governed by our purpose rather than from our wounds anytime there's reactivity there's a wound and if you're curious and inspired to learn more join us at breathwork and badassery or the overview experience there's a difference between listening to a podcast and actually showing up live and doing the work with a badass community who's all about breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma it didn't start with you but it can end with you if you're willing to do the work see you at the next perfect time [Music]

i won't tell anyone it's just between you and me you love it you love the attention it gets you you love the recognition just it's okay you can tell me i'm wearing black i represent the dark side your dark side's okay with me just tell the truth and then they're like she was like this oh you literally see her physiology on the other side she's like oh my god yes oh it's like what happens is you're now observing yourself that's the first step to dissolving this because you can't heal from it if you're possessed by it let me say that again you can't heal from it if you're possessed by it what's up gail all right i only just saw this year after doing the overview that i have actually been able to learn to get to know myself again so weird the guilt is deep i was always stressed i'm not doing a good job then i'm stuffing up my kids yes okay so check this out in those moments when you are pleasing

are you here's how you do it and this is conditioning is going to take time because you are so chronically used to abandoning yourself for pleasing because mom and dad often will use the kids to fluff up their own ego you got to be the achiever you got it so and so so that i can show off my kids well that's the persian way that's basically how i was growing you must be doctors why aren't you why did what is this chiropractor you must be doctor it was like chiropractic wasn't enough right it's because it's got to be a certain level when i left chiropractic to talk about coaching before all this internet stuff i knew if my my heart was calling me to that my mom was like what are we going to tell our friends what what are you what you want you want to be a psychologist like no no no no i don't want to do psychology i'm not treating disorders i just want to help guide people to become more resilient through their stress why don't you go become psychologists why don't you stay chiropractic they couldn't get it and of course i'm exaggerating for for effect right but essentially um why i was doing this it's important for you to see in those moments what your real motive is to heal this disease to please in the moment you're about to please here's the question you want to stop and pause and ask yourself this is what i talk about with my clients when we're climbing the mountain of self-love climbing the mountain of changing the tune of self-abandonment because you're going to do it every day every day you have an opportunity to self-abandon and say okay or to set a boundary and say no

boundary with time boundary with space whatever you're not able to give because of this disease to please whatever you're not able to give to yourself like a space boundary a time boundary and we're all the same like i'm working through this as well it's there's never a finish line there's always an improvement that i can make there's always a new level of observation of myself there's always how much more authentic can i be in my own vision and yet be empathetic to other people and understand when you set a boundary and they don't like you that that feeling of being misunderstood that really painful that i can't handle so i just don't even deal with it so i say yes all the time am i able to hold that part of me and say i know it's hurting this they're they're upset right now but let them have their process you're not responsible for that i'm responsible for you i'm responsible for you i'm saying yes to you you don't have to please you don't need their approval you have you have my approval like change and it sounds weird because i'm talking to myself right well why why do you need to talk to yourself like like isn't it weird talking to yourself i used to think to myself and then i realized i'm already talking to myself i'm talking some terrible [ __ ] which results in the mom guilt i'm a terrible mom this is this mom guilt is caused by self-abandonment i'm a terrible mom boom immediately when you believe you're a terrible mom how do you act

you act like a [ __ ] terrible mom you try to control you try to over you try to over parent you think it's about them but it's about your own inadequacy so it becomes this [ __ ] circle and you're like ah i'm a terrible human being and then what's that like when you have a mother who feels that way when you want to just talk to mom and say hey mom i didn't feel very like great about the way that you spoke to me oh i'm just a terrible mom i was like okay great i can't [ __ ] talk to my mom because anything i say to her she's gonna turn around and go of course i'm just you're talking to the most terrible mom it's like oh great perfect great talk mom thanks for hearing me

does this make sense this is awesome i'm finally breaking the habit of showing up for myself now awesome carrie you helped me realize that fear was making me act crazy i was so emotional and triggered all the time you bet i realized i've been stressed they would disconnect from me if i don't do a good enough job so yeah now you're making everything about you as a mom and then it just keeps the [ __ ] cycle going and then you become the narcissistic mother you promised yourself you wouldn't be because you have children around you with your their emotional needs and you're sitting there going oh terrible mom you can't show up for them in that way now please understand i'm saying this with the utmost respect for moms because i'm watching my wife go through like she's not a mom yet but of course she's a dog mom she's a mom to georgia i'm a dad to lucy but it's not the same thing we both know that i can just you know if i don't talk to lucy for a few days or i'm gone i come in and she's like oh hi how are you it's like there's nothing you know just unconditional if i lose my [ __ ] i look over and and then afterwards i'm like hi lucy her tail's wagging like she she's got no memory of anything with me so it's having kids are a little different they'll hold on to memories we hold on to memories about what our parents did or didn't do in various states of being that they were in and then we'll conclude about themselves about who they are they are my father was an abusive alcoholic yeah right only when he was in his dorsal vagal or he was in sympathetic you're describing a man when he was numbing himself trying to get himself out of his own pain i'm not justifying his behavior i'm just saying you got to understand it if you want to break the cycle if you don't want to be otherwise if you don't understand it you're a victim to it you then pass it on to your [ __ ] kids the only way to break that cycle is through love is through doing the most courageous thing possible is to love your own mother love your own father you want to break mom guilt you got to love your mom for the [ __ ] that you think is unforgivable about her and the second that you do which is damn near impossible for most people by the way your ego will resist it and when you do all of a sudden your mom guilt starts to dissolve you start to see your own power and your own um magnificence of your motherhood because you really are there is that part of you that's a [ __ ] badass amazing mom but you can't see it because you're so busy stuck in guilt a lot of which is coming from the entanglement from your own mother that's not complete yet and this cycle just continues the cycle of pleasing a mother who's disconnected who then causes the child to lose sight of who they are they don't know who they are they've been busy pleasing then they have kids they don't know who they are and they're unhinged and then they have kids who are trying to make them happy because as is mum as is mom's mental well-being and nervous system regulation is the whole family let me say that again this is a huge i'm not saying this to put you down or break you down just i'm just sharing with you how important this is for you moms

your children your families can only be as regulated as you are moms dads dads as well take it on i'm just saying instead of making the kids responsible making your parents responsible this is the time to step up and say i'm gonna take responsibility for re-parenting those little parts of me that i forgot that little girl who was pleasing everyone it's time for me to return to her it's time for me to really have her feel seen for the very first time and let her know that she no longer needs to start pleasing other people anymore that who she is just who she is just in her beingness is worthy you don't believe me think about when you had your children

chelsea love you hun think about when you had your kids when you had this baby i remember when i first heard the heartbeat of my baby that's due in october tears of absolute love and i didn't even [ __ ] know who this kid is i don't know this kid this kid hasn't been paying my rent why do i love it so much well because deep down in in universal kind of material spiritual whatever the [ __ ] we're a part of what we know we're a part of energy universal intelligence let's call it because you can call it allah and someone call it christ cool i'll call it universal intelligence we know that inherently that baby is worthy and lovable just for its being

without and that kid hadn't pleased me yet he hadn't brought me an a a-plus yet he hasn't [ __ ] scored the game-winning goal in the hockey tournament yet to make me proud he hasn't you know been on the cover of any magazine ju and it's lovable it's universal intelligence love like beyond the universe it's there it's already embedded within it so what we are responsible for working on this is our work to do this is my work to do is that space between that awareness of complete lovability universal [ __ ] flow and like absolute i am worthy of this magnificence of this universe to the point where i'm not worthy of [ __ ] what happened between there what the where where did that go wrong where did i go wrong where did i decide that i needed to please and fix in order to feel that worthiness that's the return that's the work that's what becoming powerfully aligned that's what upgrading your intimacy is all about is returning back to the awareness that you not just here we can say it put it on a facebook meme you're lovable just the way you are no no no no no i'm not talking about that

i am absolutely lovable and i don't have to do a [ __ ] thing for anyone and i know it within myself period end of story

and i would love to serve other people from that place see the difference there's a difference there's a distinction there is number one which is hey how are you doing what can i do for ya which is very manipulative unconsciously which is what you know the whole the whole manipulation game is i'm gonna marketing i'm gonna tell you what you need to hear i'm gonna blow sunshine up your ass so that you can love me so that you can pay me so that you can because i need you for my sustenance that's unconscious pleasing versus

i am full i'm whole i'm complete i am universal love there is nothing missing from me i am a spectrum i am the good the bad the darkness the light the good the bad the ugly the saint the sinner all of the above i'm a sweetheart i'm an [ __ ] i'm all of it here i am in my splendor i don't need to prove [ __ ] to no one because i see my place in universal intelligence i am innate intelligence

wow how magnificent i am and how may i serve you how may i create for you how may i create for you now instead of mom guilt doing it so that i can please it's like on the matriarch i'm the badass i i'm the divine feminine people in my space feel love people in my space feel heard people in my space feel safe i'm the feminine i am worthy i am the protector

and i am the nurturer my family feels seen heard and loved by me because i know who i am now you're not doing it for pleasing do you know what i'm saying could please help me let me know because i can't see your faces or anything let me know if you really get this brilliant this is okay great margaret good margaret i just want to say i acknowledge you you literally on saturday reached out and said let's let's do this i'm ready you know this is for you this is for you this training is for you four children reaching the age mid 30s going who the [ __ ] am i i don't know who i am well it starts with your journey starts with reconnecting with that little girl who felt the need that she had to please other people in order to feel worthy of love in order for you to answer this question is now a journey back into her and understanding her what were her motives what were her traumas what were her fears and when you get connected with that here all of a sudden you're like i know who i am and i know what i love and i like this kind of music and this reminds me of that oh she was a badass oh wow and now all of a sudden is like whoa what's gotten into margaret i like this side of you you're a lot of fun i feel like i can you know i feel so safe around you because you are so real with me that's that's that's the best version of mom not the perfect mom that pleases everyone but the real mom that sees everyone on the other side of seeing herself so i invite you into that journey let me know what's come up for you in this conversation write down your biggest kind of takeaway of what i'm saying do you see yourself in this and here's the next question i have for you is who would you ideally love to merge into for yourself over the next three months if you're wanting to stay conscious about this if you're wanting to now start being able to go i know who i am here are my boundaries i know that's going to be challenging because when you first start setting boundaries people are going to react but the question is do you abandon yourself when they react or do you let them have their reactions and understand you and then understand them and understand that misunderstandings will happen that's the name of the game but you're not abandoning yourself when it happens that's the difference

that's hard you have to start expanding your edges of comfort which as a mom you're very well versed into and you're very resilient into i'm watching my wife start to journey into becoming a mother come here come here so today i think come here wow

this is my wife who's now becoming a mom look do you want to see her belly her belly's coming out right now that's don't look at my belly that's where we were that's another conversation we're not going to talk about my belly we're going to work compare we compare exactly so what are you noticing as you're becoming a mother and you're now having literally listen to what this is i just want you to get what a miracle you are as a mother okay just just take a moment and acknowledge yourself dana what are you feeling now like today how did you feel oh well i can feel the belly stretching like i feel like it's is it in my room is it comfortable [ __ ] no [Laughter] she's like sitting there i look over her face is like that i'm like what's going on she's like i can feel it's just stretching it's taking up space and i'm like look at this the self abandonment she's like get me off the camera thanks love you hun the self abandonment starts there it's like you literally have a child encroaching in on your [ __ ] body and saying i'm gonna [ __ ] come right out of you and you're just like you're stretching your edges moms you're constantly stretching your edges of comfort and becoming more uncomfortable as the [ __ ] weeks go i'm watching her she's getting more and more uncomfortable she's trying to get out of bed stick i need a push i'm like okay it's like it's happening she can't tell you like clothes don't obviously so she's literally having to you are moms having to having to expand your comfort zone to allow another human into this world and each step of the here's the crazy part every stage has changed literally you're changing every [ __ ] week every month you're changing every year massive change so you don't know like if you are i've been talking about resilience during this covet pandemic like you got to give up what you knew what you this is what i kept saying a couple months ago when it was like covid was starting and i was telling you guys i was telling you listen if you want to survive this and you want to do well you have to give up the way you did things before in service of what's needed right now well guess what as a mother you're having to do this again and again and again week after week month after month year after year and then oh then they start kindergarten now you got to go through another transformation the question is as in motherhood you'll have a series of attachments and losses life is attachments and losses attachments then losses then eventually if you've done a good job they'll say [ __ ] off and i'm gonna live my own life and not [ __ ] off i'm just they'll say peace out i said [ __ ] off what i said goodbye let's be honest when i was 18 i was like [ __ ] off i'm doing it myself because i was so angry i'm like [ __ ] you i don't i'm tired of living under your rule [ __ ] you because i had parents that didn't know how to how to adapt to me they were trying to force me into their body they did the best that they could right but i was trying constraining this i got my own [ __ ] rules nobody's gonna tell me what to do i was the black sheep let me know if you can resonate with that right let me know if you can resonate with that so i was like screw that i'm going to do what i want right which didn't work well with the persian parents who are just immigrants and trying to make sure that i don't go [ __ ] crazy like the white people

don't go doing those crazy things like the canadians do anyway so they're doing the best they can i'm just and so if you've done a good job now they leave the nest and now you have to adapt to that so this balance there's this whole balance that i watch eileena like my she's like my sister she's one of the coaches in our program she's like good friend and sister i watch her with teenage boys and the whole you know connection and the rejection they turn around and then i screw you i don't want to talk to you and then boom another few months when the son is not talking to her and then i got to watch her like grieve all of that pain of feeling that disconnection from this child that came through you that you've been trying to adapt to so it's like no matter who you are as a mother you are called to consistently adapt i'm watching my wife go through it right now her body is like luckily i'm a chiropractor so i'm like all right babe she's like i couldn't sleep my legs are numb luckily for her she's very lucky i keep letting her know this then i'm able to kind of like help her when she oh you i know how to fix that but most people who aren't that lucky will have the experience she's laughing at that will have the experience that you're constantly having to adapt and the question is how do i adapt and not abandon myself and if you're not careful and you're not conscious you're finding yourself constantly abandoning yourself in service of pleasing the kid society the church your partner your parents all of these external voices and you have completely lost your own the question is have you taken here's here's how to dissolve mom guilt and here's the weird part you have to feel the mom guilt in order to override it so let me tell you listen to this mind [ __ ] in order to dissolve mom guilt you must create sacred space for you as a mom to be able to go inside and heal the the wounded little girl inside of you the adapted adolescent inside of you there are two parts to you two parts to all of us in our emotional development that we need to tend to the emotional scars of the wounded child and the adapted adolescent you must create space in order to heal those wounds so that you can show up better for your family here's the [ __ ] rub here's the mind [ __ ] of it in order for you to create that sacred space for yourself you have to actually override feeling mom guilt because your mom guilt says you're not supposed to take this time for yourself i'm i'm supposed to be with my kids all the time that i feel guilty for taking this you know few hours for a class or a meditation or a like a you know like a little day at the spa or like a course that i can take that sacred space for connecting with me i can't do it i'm not worthy i should spend it on the kids here and so guess what you're bumping up against the very mom guilt that you're needing to heal by creating that sacred space the very reason why you can't becomes the reason why you must let me know if that makes sense to you and it's the toughest thing constantly a dab and it's only a day daily basis

it's the only way to do it and it's the biggest fear that you'll have as a mother and nobody can do that for you that's the problem i see moms all the time dealing and bumping up against this thing oh my kid i feel guilty like shamyla had like five grand saved for something like a trip with the kids but she was dying with like paralyzing anxiety she's got three kids at home four kids but three of them at home living with her twin daughter and a son and she's dying with anxiety and she knows she's got all these traumas and i'm on the call with her and she can't even go to costco without a panic attack and i'm like here's the thing in order for you to heal this and jump in and work with us to heal this you're gonna have to bump up against this mom guilt that you've been using to stay away from like healing yourself so you had the very reason the very thing that you're here to heal you have to confront you have to go in and feel the mom guilt week after weeks like oh my god i can't believe i'm spending the money on myself it should be for the kids it should be for the kids it should be for the kids four six months later all of a sudden the kids they stop cutting themselves they stop acting out with all sorts of crazy behavior they feel more connected they have a mother who's regulated they have a mother who can see them and understand them and be there for them now what a gift to the kids but you have to override the the mom guilt let me know if this resonates with you i'm gonna read all of your um your comments let me just see what you you said here i was 17 and got totally and gone totally resonate uh on a daily basis yani said it's so true i just thought i had to learn to parent different but you taught me i had to just feel my own pain and start actually looking after me which felt just felt so wrong to me exactly thank you thank you you were like i gotta help my kids and i'm like people tell me this my kid's really struggling could you help her i'm like is your kid following me and requesting to work with me no just help her i'm like i don't want to work with your kid this is your issue like what no no no i'd rather not i'm like your resistance to looking at yourself is now mirrored on this kid no but i can't handle she's she's she's losing it i'm like yeah i know she's losing it as a mirror of how you've completely unhinged from yourself she needs to see but why can't she say she wants to kill herself why can't she just love herself well she's modeling it after you here's here's how you win as a mom you got to teach the child by example how to love themselves let me say that again this is it and there's no and here's the thing there's nobody that can help your kid except you and here's how you help your kid you must teach your child by example because they're [ __ ] good at spotting your [ __ ] kids are razor sharp they won't they can sense your [ __ ] even animals can okay and you know what the hell i'm talking about you help your child by teaching them how to genuinely love themselves how do i do that i hate myself exactly this is your intergenerational mom trauma or dad trauma it's the same thing we're all in this together and when you do all of a sudden you're able to be present with them yani what's it been like since you've been loving like the greatest gift you can give your child is a self-loving mother let me say that again the greatest gift you can give your child is a self-loving mother let me say it again the greatest gift you can give your child is a self-loving mother who teaches them by example how to do it by the fiber of their being you don't even have to script it it just becomes you it comes through you the guidance comes through you because of who you're being not putting on a face and hey they can spot that [ __ ] they know they know and i'm not trying to make you feel guilty because that's where you're going to go i'm so terrible that's again self-abandonment i'm here to inspire you to take it on and say all right okay i'm done delegating this self-love stuff i'm done delegating self-love i'm done i'm done externalizing i'm done putting my self-esteem what's the word outsourcing is what my coach says neil strauss he says i'm outsourcing my self-esteem to other people in other words my self-worth is dependent on you telling me that you're amazing nema or how much money that nima is making oh because it's this level now i can love myself that's called outsourcing nema's self-esteem and it never works because if i get your approval of me that still that emptiness is there i need more if i make this much money still not enough i need to make more people maybe more maybe more and this is why there's people who are like addicted to becoming successful is because they're like maybe when i get to a certain level then i'll love myself that's what's unconsciously going on never works that's externalizing our self-worth has this been meaningful to you this is so needed you are such a blessing thanks chelsea that means a lot the greatest gift you can give your child is a self-loving mother now check this out chelsea watch this picture this and i say this all the time i want you to imagine your life and your upbringing if your parents if your mom just took some [ __ ] space for herself and just said i'm gonna go and i'm gonna dedicate this to loving myself and took and maybe even took a program like a phd in loving herself the time that she spent with you what would it be like if she did

or dad's i'm not trying to segregate just see i'm talking to everyone i'm just channeling it because i've been talking to so many moms i'm like [ __ ] i got to do this mom guilt transmission my son loves it when it's live time with nema he knows mom is trying to heal jonah [Music] big love to jonah a couple years ago when i was going through a really dark time chelsea was there with jonah when i had to go and be in victoria and come and you know work in the clinic and do my own healing chelsea and jonah looked after lucy so you guys will always have a very dear place in my heart that's why chelsea i've been kind of looking after you and checking in and really caring because you guys mean a lot to me and i want to say thank you to that so big big love to you so what's the moral of the story imagine your life if mom created sacred space for herself imagine what that would be would you have given her permission what would you have done would you be like [ __ ] you mom you don't love me what if mom said look here's the thing i love you so much that i want to be my best for you i want to show up so that you guys feel seen and heard but mom's nervous system is a little fried right now because mom's constantly used to losing touch with herself and pleasing all the time that mom doesn't know who she is so you're not really getting the best of mom anyway so why don't you set up a play date with dad or so and so let's set something fun up for all of you guys to play so that mom can now dedicate this next five hours six hours on sunday to understanding and reconnecting with the parts of her that she abandoned what would happen to the tone of your family what would happen to the safety and feeling in your body

this is your opportunity and you know what i'm not saying here's the thing here's the cool part i'm having an event for all of my clients the overview experience on sunday it's coming up where they're all excited and you you guys have been yanni you remember being there right that little lucy helped us with so much connection for us and someone on the outside really says mommy are you learning how to be a better mom

peter diana did you hear that [ __ ] that's amazing i just i cry like i get these messages from you guys the dms that i get from you guys and i sit there like when i'm meditating and i'll like i'll get a message from a mom that said hey i just use your method and and like i just completely transformed my company or my whole family or i'm now talking to my ex-husband let me share with you one mom i have to share this with you and i know uh laura will allow it so laura who's a mom of two ridden with mom guilt jumped into our program and had an ex-husband who was horribly abusive and was a like the perpetrator and she was thousands of dollars in legal fees because they couldn't communicate because she was so angry she jumped in a month ago and realized that yeah there was some wounding there that she hadn't addressed but instead of addressing it she was playing the victim and blaming rather than stopping and seeing and healing that part of herself and all of a sudden she's noticing a shift let me share this with you i really want you to to hear what his she just messaged me this morning she goes oh my god i just got this text message from my ex-husband who they weren't speaking right so let me let me um share this with you and she basically said this is what he said he goes this is the the text message she goes i just got this text from reza today okay it's been here's what he said and he's not he hasn't been doing this work he doesn't know that she's doing this program okay here's what he had to say he goes it's been pleasing to see how we have been trying to work out different issues amongst ourselves especially as we realize that these days are challenging enough and we need to collaborate more than ever before not only has this increasing cases of our positive collaboration been working in our favor of our own well-being it has specially been helpful for the kids and will continue to be for them to observe how much more frequently do their parents address their issues in a spirit of cooperation i believe that this observation in their part is a healing for them imagine two kids under the age of 10 who have been battling back and forth between parents who've just been at war with one another caught in the [ __ ] crossfires impact that that would have on them right here's what he says i believe that that this observation in their part is a healing for them my hope is that we can work through issues that will inevitably come up in the future in the same manner as we have been in the last four or six weeks now he hasn't done any work she's just gone inside and cried many tears by the way she's healed and when you go through this process of healing with that younger part if you're coming on sunday and joining us because we're doing this for all my clients but i've opened up the doors for people who aren't clients who want to experience it and want to invest in like creating that sacred pause for themselves so that they can be better for their kids all of a sudden they she she basically has been creating that and then holy crap everything in her life has changed he hasn't been doing he hasn't been doing any of the work when she opens those wounds up it's painful make no mistake that's why i call if you're in in this game and you're practicing with us i call you my hero because it's not easy to go there at all to look at the wounds of that really painful hurt sad little girl or boy who didn't feel seen who was treated unfairly and just given them a voice finally from all of the abuse the trauma whatever they went through it's like i no longer want to be governed by those anymore i want to be free of those burdens i want to actually live with freedom so that i can feel safe in my body and then be present with the people around me and then create a space like that divine feminine that people feel seen and heard and loved because they're in my presence you know you have that in you you know that that's what your superpower is you know that that's why god divine being mother nature universal intelligence yahweh jesus allah has gifted you with a [ __ ] child or three or four it's because the universe has entrusted you with this responsibility that it knows she knows mother nature knows that you can handle this you are resilient enough to be that healing space instead of being that wounded place that isn't that is unhinged but to do that you need to create a sacred space for that mother to heal and i am so honored for those of you moms to be able to create that sacred space for you because you're the ones that break the gender intergenerational cycle you're the ones that get to have their kids feel seen for the first time you're the ones i'm so grateful to have you on this journey it is an honor to guide you through it make sure you subscribe

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