Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
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You guys, kids are so, so smart. They are excellent observers of what's going on in the house. They are aware of what is going on in your marriage, and they are gonna begin to have a sense, maybe even more than you, of really how your marriage is going or how it's not going. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno, and I'm a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Restore Counseling, and together with my wife Beth and our colleague Tracy Johnson,
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we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because we believe that when you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. Well, today in the series of therapeutic separation, what it is, what it isn't, I wanna specifically talk about kids. Now, marriages that don't have kids, this may not apply to you, but you can also start to think about it of like, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, your friends.
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What are some of the impacts of your marriage on other people? But I'm specifically addressing those that have children. And you've come to a rocky place in your marriage and you've come to a realization that we need to do something different than we've ever done before. And rather than stepping into a separation, which is just leading you down the path towards divorce, we're gonna do something called a therapeutic separation that is guided and led and facilitated by a counselor.
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but is moving us into doing some very specific work in my life, in your life, and in the life of our marriage, the work that is focused on during this time of space, during this time of separation. So that's all described in the previous videos of one of therapeutic separation is what the three elements of a separation are. But today, like I said, I wanna talk about kids because kids are a thing. They know what's happening in the house.
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And one of my favorite authors, he says that, he says that kids are great observers, but they're terrible interpreters. They observe what's going on, but they don't have the adult mind, the adult brain to be able to put together, this is, I understand what's happening. They will come to their own interpretations. They will come to their own conclusions. And by and large, those conclusions are not gonna be true. They're just gonna be true to them. So when we talk about kids and a therapeutic separation,
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in any separation for that matter, it is really, really important for you as a couple to address the kids so that they have a very clear understanding of what is happening. Like I said, otherwise they will come to their own understanding. And the best understanding for that is for both of you in the marriage to sit down with your children and talk through.
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what a therapeutic separation is, what is happening in the context of your relationship. Of course, you don't wanna share like the gory details of the challenges that you're facing, but let them know that you're aware that your marriage is facing challenges. They're already aware, they know that. But let them know that you know that there are some challenges that you've tried to maybe fix in the past, tried to maybe address in the past, but you just haven't been able to get past.
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some certain things. So let them know that you're aware that there are some of those things you need to address and that the next step for you to be able to address those things, right, offer the hope to the children, the same hope that you have on why you're doing a therapeutic separation, offer that same hope to the children because they're gonna wanna know, like, is this actually leading towards divorce? Or is mom, dad, are you guys working on your marriage? And is this part of that work?
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because they're gonna wanna know like, are we gonna come back together? Is this the end of my childhood? Is this what is happening? My friends, you know, parents divorced, is this the first step towards that? They're gonna come to their own conclusions. So make sure that you too both are sitting down with the children and sharing with them what is happening, what this means for them as a child and whatever parameters that you have laid out in your document that you're clear with the children on what this means.
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So they're gonna wanna know, like, when can I see mom? When can I see dad? What does this mean when he's moving out? Do I go to his place? How long is this going to last? Kind of what happens with school? What happens with soccer practice? Can mom and dad both be with me at soccer practice? Are they both gonna come to the games? Just have a real clear sense for the child and put yourself like in the child's world, in the child's perspective. If they were to ask the questions that were important to them, what-
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questions would they be asking? Like I just said, are mom and dad gonna come to my soccer games? Not, are mom and dad gonna figure out how to communicate better? That's not the question that they're asking. They're asking, what does this mean for me? So be sure as you are walking through this conversation with your children, you've put yourself in their shoes so that you can answer their questions. So make sure that it's all really clear, both for you, both spouses, as well as the kids.
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And then the final thing I would say is let them know what the progress points are going to be. Let them know that, hey, mom and dad are going to have a once a week date or in 30 days, we're going to have another conversation to see how things are progressing and in the work that we're doing. And then after 60 days, but then at 90 days, we know that some things have to have had, have to have happened. If I can put it that way by 90 days, and then you child will be able to have a sense of where we're going next.
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Finally, I said finally already, but I have one more thing I wanna say, and that is that as the time is progressing, it will be important for your children to know what is actually progressing, and to hear from both of you again. Because I think it's easy when we triangulate our children and kind of get them to be allies on one side or the other, that they feel like they're kind of a ping pong between the two, but making sure that your children know that...
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in a therapeutic separation, the two of you are working hard. Even if you're not working hard together, you're working hard individually together so that you can move this forward. Let them know what is happening. Dad's been going to counseling and he's gone four times in the last month and mom's doing this with her therapist and this is what we're doing in our marriage therapist and those things are moving forward. Give them a sense of how it's going because they're gonna wonder. And then again, they're gonna start to fill in their own thoughts and interpretations along the way.
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And you as the parents wanna make sure that you're giving them the accurate information on what is happening and not just letting their imagination kind of run wild. I think it's also really important to make sure that during the therapeutic separation that they get contact with both mom and dad, that they get contact with both of you and significant contact, and that they have a sense that they are well, that they are not the cause of the separation.
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Because again, they'll start to imagine their own things. Maybe I'm the one that if I was just a better boy or better girl, if I did my homework or picked up my socks off the floor, maybe mom and dad wouldn't be separated. Make sure that they have a sense that, hey, we love you. We love you. Dad loves you. Mom loves you. We still hold a lot of love for you. And we are doing this in order for us to continue this family and this marriage as we would want it to be. Make sure that you're connecting.
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with your child all throughout the separation time because they're going to just wonder. They're going to wonder. So those are some parameters that I think are really helpful as far as the therapeutic separation with regard to the children. You guys stay tuned for the next video. We're going to continue talking about the therapeutic separation in the next video.
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And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life, where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place, next week.