Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Every mentor wants their mentee to receive everything they have to give. How do you make that happen? How do you keep kids interested? Today's episode will help you learn how to earn your mentee's attention.
Show Notes
_______________
WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
_______________
SHOW NOTES
- The mysterious workings of the adolescent brain | TED Talk by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore:
- ZJ
- Goldfish
- Karyn Purvis
- Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI)
- Dr. Daniel Siegel
_______________
HOW TO EARN YOUR MENTEE'S ATTENTION
1. Earn their attention by giving them yours.
- Youth mentoring is counter-cultural. You choose to earn your mentees attention, rather than them earning yours.
- When you think of Jesus becoming a man, do you see it as God seeking to get our attention, or do you see it as Him giving us His?
- The God of the Bible gives us His attention. He seeks us out. He listens.
- He is our example.
2. Earn their attention by finding out what brings them joy.
- What do they like and how can you connect with them in it? When we feel connected to another person, we're more open to their influence, so you're making it easy for them to listen and interact with you on their level.
- Get curious. What is going on in the brain of this child I’m mentoring? What questions do they have? What makes them wonder?
- Teachers know this already: when kids are curious, they're much more likely to stay engaged.
3. Earn their attention by commanding it, not demanding it.
- Jesus never demanded attention. His life commanded it. There’s a difference between someone walking in the room and saying, “Hey! Learn from me! I’m awesome!” and another person in the room that lives in such a way that draws the attention of others and creates this curiosity.
- Just because you say, “Hey, listen to me.” Doesn’t mean they are going to listen.
- There is nothing more comforting to a child than a mentor who listens and understands.
_______________
MORE PRACTICALS
Ask Good Questions
- You may be the first non-family member that has taken the time to push through all the distractions, ask them good questions, and fight for their attention. And by the way, good questions aren’t easy to answer. So if you’re asking good questions, their inability to respond quickly isn’t because their wheels aren’t turning, it might be because they’ve never even turned. Good questions cultivate our minds. There’s a study I read the other day that says When your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else. So when we ask our mentees good questions we are helping their brains to grow in focus. If a child doesn’t respond to you when you talk it’s because their attention is elsewhere and they haven’t learned that questions show you care.
- Behavioral scientists have also found that just asking people about their future decisions significantly influences those decisions. When we ask good questions to kids from hard places, we’re planting seeds.
- Believe the best
Tips to help kids listen
- Connect before you speak. Eye contact.
- One step at a time. Use less words and less complex words.
- Don’t say don't. Whatever you put after ‘Don’t’ puts a picture in their head of what you just told them not to do.
- Be more assertive and less optional.
- Giving direction for what you want them to do is not a bad thing. It’s actually safe.
- Make every effort to stop what you are doing to listen to them.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others you can mentor.
Speaker 2:Oh, yo. What's up? Yeah. I don't wanna say anymore because Steven might put me on the podcast.
Speaker 3:But now that you're on the podcast, we gotta make sure we don't talk real fast because some people listen on 2 times speed, and it's really hard to listen.
Speaker 2:I do talk so fast.
Speaker 4:Do you listen on 2 times speed? That's crazy.
Speaker 3:More like 2a half. 2a half?
Speaker 2:You're a you're a professional podcast listener. Can we talk about the Cowboys for a second?
Speaker 4:No. Man. Oh, no.
Speaker 2:The Cowboys are
Speaker 4:because the Cowboys could be doing awesome once this podcast goes out, or they could be doing horrible. So, Zach, let's just do the thing that you wanted to do when we walked in the room.
Speaker 2:98% of my listening is good Christian music, you know, just
Speaker 4:uplifting Casting Crowns.
Speaker 2:In the light. I do love Casting Crowns.
Speaker 1:That my god.
Speaker 2:Your love is extravagant.
Speaker 3:Your friendship.
Speaker 2:Oh, man.
Speaker 1:It has My dad loves that album.
Speaker 2:It's such a good song. Anyways, I listened to the version by Daryl Evans, not Casting Crowns. Not that there's anything wrong with Casting Crowns.
Speaker 4:It's good. But
Speaker 2:that song is legit. Anyways, most of the time, I'm walking in the light, you know, spirits inside, just, hey, Garce. Let's pop on to Michael w It's
Speaker 4:got a nickname for you. Whom I love.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Goodness. Of course. Just like the song says, friendship is intimate,
Speaker 4:you know. Come on. I'm telling you
Speaker 2:guys, that song is deep. Listen to it multiple times. Anyways, the other 2% I listened to gangster rap. Okay. Don't worry.
Speaker 2:It's edited. Okay. But last night, it was a hard it was a hard night, you know, not because of anything that happened. I was just tired. On nights like that, what better way to calm down than to listen to some Coolio circa 1998?
Speaker 1:That's awesome.
Speaker 2:I think if I had a walk up song, this would be it. And that's the question today, what would your walk up song be if you were a professional
Speaker 4:athlete? Mine would be Swoop. He has a song called hall of fame. It's awesome.
Speaker 2:How does it go?
Speaker 4:So good. I'll be grinding all day and all night Yeah.
Speaker 3:Hall of fame on my mind Yeah. Trying to be the greatest
Speaker 4:of all time and say it's all god. Yeah. Okay.
Speaker 3:I'll take it away. All day, all day, and all night, and all night. All night. All of fame. All of fame.
Speaker 3:For That's good. That's good. What about you, Cash?
Speaker 1:Mine is All of the Lights by Kanye West.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
Speaker 3:All of the lights in it, baby.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:And then it keeps going. I just picture my cell phone, a little boxing. I don't box, but if I did, that's what my walk up song would be especially for that kind of athletic event.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Okay. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:With the little the little outfit, the little bird thing.
Speaker 2:My wife, Sarah, and I were talking about this last night, and I wanted you guys to hear what she had to say. Sarah, tell me why you picked sweet emotion by Aerosmith as your walk up song.
Speaker 3:Well, because I like the way it starts.
Speaker 1:Sweet.
Speaker 3:That's it.
Speaker 2:That's the only reason why.
Speaker 3:Oh, shit. Yeah. It sounds awesome when you're walking out.
Speaker 2:Well, I guess that's all a walk up song has to be.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, you can't really sum up everything that you are in one song. And if you can, you're a fool.
Speaker 2:Good point. You're so wise, sweetheart.
Speaker 4:We need to have her on the podcast. She is real cool.
Speaker 2:I like her a lot.
Speaker 3:Well, that's good.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Welcome to episode 14. We are gonna talk about how to earn your mentee's attention.
Speaker 4:Every mentor experiences, some point in their relationship, they wish their mentee would pay attention more, care more about the things they wanna show them and teach them and help them with. And so you might be listening, and you're you're coming into a mentor relationship hoping to give your mentee everything you have, everything you've learned, but it doesn't matter if at the end of the day, they're not interested in you or what you have to say Yeah. Or what you wanna envision them in or what you're desiring, if you don't get their attention.
Speaker 2:Right. For sure. And, like, that's so frustrating. Right? Like, it's so frustrating whenever you, as a mentor, you know, you're like, man, I wanna go pick up my kid, and I'm gonna spend time with them, and I'm gonna tell them some stuff.
Speaker 2:But you pick them up, and they just don't care. They don't care what we have to say. They don't care what we think. They don't think that it's worth their time or worth their focus, and so I know I've been there, guys, as a mentor. Whenever they don't give you their attention, it can it can feel defeating.
Speaker 2:It can feel super frustrating, but just because it doesn't seem like they're not paying attention doesn't mean that they're not paying attention. That's good.
Speaker 4:As a first side note, we just wanna say welcome to the club if you're experiencing this. Like
Speaker 3:Yeah. Seriously. Yes.
Speaker 4:Part for the course in mentoring
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:For your kid to not pay attention well. And there's a lot of reasons for that, and we're gonna talk about a few of those, but this is a place that we can grow as mentors. It's just acknowledging that that is normal. That's completely normal. You're not a bad mentor
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 4:Because your kid's not paying attention.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, I had the kid that we mentored live with us for a couple years. I'm not kidding around. I don't think there was one time when it felt like he was paying attention to me, when it felt like he heard what I was saying or things like that. I can look at him now.
Speaker 2:He's 23, I think. And some of the things that I think that he wasn't hearing, I think maybe he was.
Speaker 4:In today's episode, we're gonna talk about how to earn your mentee's attention, and I just wanna clarify that is so countercultural in mentoring relationships because when you're in a business setting and you're a mentee looking for a mentor, you are the one that has to get the mentor's attention.
Speaker 2:Yeah. For
Speaker 4:sure. You have to put forward the effort. You have to put yourself out there. You have to work hard and make a name for yourself to get mentored by the guys that you see you wanna be like, and this world is the complete opposite. We're we encourage mentors to earn your mentee's attention, to get in their space, to kneel down eye level and work to earn their, respect.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Most mentors feel like, well, I am worthy of respect. I'm I'm making 6 figures. I'm, I mean, fill in the blank. Mhmm.
Speaker 4:This kid should look up to me naturally and want to be as successful as I am, but ultimately, kids from hard places aren't going to attach to you and respect you unless you earn their respect, earn their attention
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:By getting down on their level and and meeting them where they're at.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And
Speaker 4:so that's what we're gonna talk about today and just I just wanna acknowledge, thank you, mentors, for living counter culturally as you pursue to earn your mentee's attention.
Speaker 2:The foundation of that is humility. Right? It's saying, hey Yeah. I have achieved this. I do have a great marriage.
Speaker 2:I I have been successful in business. I I am what this world would call a pretty successful dude, but I'm gonna humble myself and I'm going to take the time because I know that this kid has been burned before. Because I know that he doesn't just freely give out his trust, that, that it's actually a protect protection mechanism. Right? But as a mentor, I'm going to humbly go through the process to earn this kid's respect, to earn the right to be heard.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Yeah. I love that phrase, earn the right to be heard. That's good. And you earn the right to be heard by showing up, being patient, being like Jesus Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And being consistent, all of that good stuff.
Speaker 4:Yeah. We'll spin our wheels trying to convince these kids that we're successful
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:When really, we just need to convince them that we care.
Speaker 1:So that kinda leads us into our first broad topic, today, which is we're gonna talk about their brain. Time to get brainy.
Speaker 3:No. Let's talk about the brain.
Speaker 4:No. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:It's just helpful to kind of understand where our kids are at developmentally, so that we can actually get on their level Yeah. And understand, okay, what is their brain doing as it as they grow? Right. So to start things off, did you know that half of the calories consumed by an average 5 year old are used to fuel the brain?
Speaker 4:No. That is mind blowing.
Speaker 1:I have a spot. A little.
Speaker 2:I have a 5 I have a I have a stutter, but I but I have a 5 year old kid, and, man, he is just his little brain is going crazy. Like, he's learning
Speaker 3:so much. He's so active. Yeah. Just like, man. So how's that food
Speaker 4:you put in his body? Yeah. It's killing his brain. That's insane.
Speaker 2:Which is crazy because he only eats goldfish. It's like a lot of goldfish. Wow.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of goldfish.
Speaker 2:He's so cute, though. Little zj. In the show notes, put a picture of zj.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 2:Folks, he's cute.
Speaker 1:He is so cute.
Speaker 4:I gotta ask his permission. No.
Speaker 2:That's fine.
Speaker 1:So because your brain is taking half of the calories that it's consuming to be fueled, it means that it just has so much needs so much energy, especially as kids are growing and develop developing. So we, 1, want to say that we don't have all the time in the world to get through every single developmental thing that's going on in your kids.
Speaker 2:No, we don't.
Speaker 1:Nor are we the experts. We gotta
Speaker 4:go eat tacos there. Yeah. Seriously.
Speaker 1:We are not the experts on neurology or childhood development, but these are just some things that we've learned in
Speaker 2:While we aren't the experts, we, have read some books. And so Yeah. We will put those in the show notes, but anything by Karen Purvis and anything Thank you. From TCU, They've got an incredible childhood development program that talks about kids with trauma.
Speaker 4:Trust based relational intervention.
Speaker 2:Trust based relational intervention. So anything by Karen Purvis, Daniel Siegel's good. You guys, if you're curious about how the brain works
Speaker 1:It's just good to know a couple of basic things that are going on. If you're working with kids, if you have kids, just to understand where they're at and where they truly can't be. Yeah. If you want them to be at point b, they their brain is at point a, and they Mhmm. Won't get to point b for x money or so.
Speaker 2:And all of this comes back to there's always a reason why. There's no such thing as a bad kid. Sometimes they're just going through this, like, super weird growth in their brain, and they just, like, don't have the ability to pay attention for 6 hours.
Speaker 4:Yeah. When you when you think about kids in school who are going without meals and how governments kind of institute giving meals to kids. Don't just think about, oh, this kid doesn't have a meal. Think, this kid doesn't have fuel for his brain to develop.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 4:And that's such a huge deal. So let's talk about the prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 4:That's what we've been wanting to talk about. That's all good. Yo.
Speaker 2:Yo. Yo. We're talking about the PFC. Can I say that? No?
Speaker 2:Sure. It just sounds so cool whenever you say it like that.
Speaker 4:So the prefrontal cortex is the the part of the brain that's used for decision making, relationships, learning, reading
Speaker 1:thinking.
Speaker 4:Remembering, focusing, solving problems, what you think about when you think about the brain. Yep. This is that part. So it's a large part of the brain, and, ultimately, it is the most immature part of a child's brain. Right.
Speaker 4:This is the part of the brain that develops over your entire, I mean, into your mid twenties. Yep. And so
Speaker 1:Yeah. Mine's not fully developed yet.
Speaker 2:I think mine is even though sometimes it might not seem like it is because I because I say raps about the prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 1:25 years. It takes 25 years for it to
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's great. Develop, which is awesome.
Speaker 4:Yeah. And so and then even I I watched the TED talk, which I'll post to this, but in adolescence, there's a rewiring that happens in the prefrontal cortex. So if you ever have, like, a a teenager who is acting out like a 3 year old,
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:This it's because their brain is resetting and letting, it's called synaptic pruning where you let bad thoughts, bad connections die away. But in the process, there's, like, there's just a lot of disconnect. Yeah. And so that's it's just really crazy how our brain works.
Speaker 1:Really interesting. Just something along those lines during puberty, if you're a mentor for a kid that's going through puberty, it's one of the most influential times in a kid's life because this this is when the synaptic pruning really begins. Mhmm. And you, as a mentor, have a chance to really, help rewire their brain to make better connections towards relationships or even feelings to, connecting feelings to a relationship with an older man or an older woman or whatever those things look like. So don't take it don't take your job lightly as a mentor, especially during these really influential years of, Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, being a teenager and all those things.
Speaker 2:And, I mean, just like us as mentors, first off, if you're just mentoring a kid, period. Yeah. But especially if you're mentoring a kid between the ages of 10 to 18, we've gotta give ourselves some grace here.
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 2:Because mentoring a kid in that age frame is hard enough. And then when you mix the things that they've been through, when you mix trauma and you mix poverty and you mix negative influences and negative environments, it just makes it that much more difficult. But man, what an awesome opportunity that those are the kids who one would argue that they need the most love. They need the most attention. They need the most positive adults in their lives who are giving them love, and that's what you're doing Yeah.
Speaker 2:As a mentor. I was downstairs at our after school program this past week, and I was just blown away by the amount of need that our kids have. But I was so grateful to the Lord that he's provided mentors and our staff and people who would get down on their level and enter into their lives and give them love and attention just like Jesus.
Speaker 4:The life of a kid, it's kind of like you have an antenna up and you're receiving all of these signals, but it's different from a radio that's just kind of passing it through into your speaker. It's going into them, and they're receiving all of these different inputs. And so when we talk about trauma, when we talk about all of those things, those things aren't just passing through them. Mhmm. They are connecting to a deep place within them that attaches certain beliefs and ideas about how the world works and how they fit into that world.
Speaker 4:And so really mentoring is in many ways, we are re training their minds to believe certain things about the world and about themselves and about relationships to where really that's, that is what Jesus does. When Jesus calls us to repent and believe he's calling us to a, to change our minds.
Speaker 2:Right. Yeah.
Speaker 4:That's good. And that call doesn't just come from a place of, absent from God's power and presence in their life. And so when when we are as mentors enter into the life of a kid, we are calling them to believe differently about themselves, about others, and about God. Right. And and so it's just so crucial.
Speaker 4:So Yeah. Again, thank you so much. Every man and woman who's investing in the life of a kid. That's right. You have no idea how much you're changing their mind.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So let's get into practicals. So how do you how do you earn your mentee's attention before you end up in an urn and are dead somewhere? 1st practical is earn their attention by giving them yours. Woo.
Speaker 4:That's good. It's a great principle to live by as a mentor.
Speaker 2:It's good. That's so hard because we understand mentors that this is not your full time job. We get it that you probably have a 1,000 things going on from your own job and your own responsibilities and your own families, and you've got deadlines and you've got meetings and you've got other commitments and, oh my gosh, there's so much going on, and by the way, I'm gonna take 90 minutes out of my busy day to spend time with a kid. Man, we understand that. It's so easy.
Speaker 2:I have been guilty of this a 1000 times to not turn off my brain, not turn off work, not turn off my cell phone. Yeah. I'm with them physically, but I'm emotionally and spiritually a 1,000 miles away.
Speaker 4:Thinking about something else. Right. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah. Hey. Hey, Jimmy. How's it going today? But in in my head, I'm like, gosh.
Speaker 2:I've got that deadline tomorrow, and I can't stop thinking about it. I have to text this person. I gotta pick up my kid at 7:30. Right? And so that is hard.
Speaker 2:Like, sounds sounds simple but not so simple.
Speaker 4:We do it to our spouses, so surely we're gonna do it to the kids we mentor.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't because I'm perfect husband, Sarah, if you're listening to this. Don't. I love you. But, yes, some people do that.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. And when we talked about being countercultural, Jesus is the greatest example of doing this. He does not come to be served, but to serve. He doesn't come seeking everyone's attention.
Speaker 4:He comes as a baby. He comes in humility. He doesn't come as a king. He comes as he comes with a cross to sacrifice, to lay down his life Yep. And to make much of us.
Speaker 4:And I I think that that that speaks to the heart of a mentor that we have to go low and earn their attention, not just seek theirs.
Speaker 2:Right. Especially in today's world where there's so many things fighting for our kids' attention, it's pretty rare. I would assume that the kids that we spend time with, they're not getting a lot of, 1 on 1 time with an adult who cares about them, who is for them, and who has no agenda except to love them and to build a relationship with them. Yeah. Keep in mind too that that might be awkward for them, that they might have no idea how to even act whenever they're sitting in a car with a dude asking them a bunch of questions.
Speaker 2:So Yeah. Grace.
Speaker 1:This kind of brings us right into our next point of you can earn their attention by finding out what brings them joy. They're both correlated, but when you give someone your attention, without expecting to get theirs back, you just have an opportunity to study them in some ways, and ask them really good questions and learn and glean as much information as you can about the kid that you're mentoring
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:From your interactions with them. And that that means that you have to become a good question asker.
Speaker 2:Man, expert question asker.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Right. It really is all about them.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:It's their agenda, not yours. Sometimes whenever I spend time with a kid that I mentor, I'm like, okay, today we're going to talk about how to make good grades or we're going to talk about this, we're going to talk about that. It's my agenda, but it's different when you're going into like, okay, Lord, help me ask the right questions, help me find out what they wanna talk about.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then trust you that that's what that's the conversation that needs to be had today.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I know that it might seem like our kids only care about Xbox, you know, or our kids might only care about, sports. But if you can ask the right questions, then you can find out what's behind that.
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's all about sports. Why is he all about sports? Let me ask questions. Well, I'm all about sports because that's the only time that my mom says that she's proud of me. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Oh, so what what you're really after is affirmation. Let's talk about that. Right?
Speaker 4:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so, like, that's the deep stuff.
Speaker 4:A practical on asking good questions. Don't feel like you're cheating if you write down their answers. Oh, for sure. Remember
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 4:The things that you've asked them. If they told you their favorite color is blue, don't forget that mug.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:Write that down.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:And, another great way to do that, and this is a great way to connect with mom in the mentoring relationship, is to or or whoever the guardian is to send them the things that you're learning about their, child.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 4:And so that that shows them that you're engaged and that you care about their life.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:And when when you do that, it it just develops trust in a way that you can't just by holding the information to yourself. And so if I find out something about the kid I mentor, if I text mom, like, hey. I asked I asked so and so about, like, who his favorite football player is, and he said this guy. And, like, it would be so cool to to go see him play one day or yada yada. I think that that can go a long way as well as be a reminder to us of just keeping keeping what gives them joy before our minds every time we meet with them.
Speaker 1:Right. I think it's a super important distinction to make that joy doesn't always mean fun. And what I mean by that is, like, you don't have to be taking your kids to 6 flags. You don't need to be going to these, like, super extravagant places to pull joy from these kids because every kid will yes. Those are really fun things and absolutely can go do those things with them.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. But joy doesn't equal fun or extravagant. Joy can be riding your bike or, you know, going to White Rock Lake in Dallas and going fishing with them or, like, just really simple things, taking them just taking them with you, to run errands and just hanging out with them. And, yes, those extravagant things are really fun and can be great every once in a while, but that does not equal pulling joy or learning about your kids because you can learn about your kids in really, really simple Mhmm. Settings.
Speaker 2:Yep. Going back to asking questions to find out what brings them joy, try to phrase your questions in a way that makes them have to explain it. Right? Like Mhmm. No, yes, or no questions.
Speaker 2:Because if you've ever hung out with a teenager, that's like their MO. Like, I only wanna give you as few words as possible.
Speaker 4:You're gonna run out of questions real quick.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah. Most definitely. But, hey, tell me more about that. Right? I think that that's a great question, You know?
Speaker 2:Or tell me why you feel that way or asking why. Okay. You like to spend all of your time doing fill in the blank. Why is that? And then in that, you're kind of finding out the need behind the deed.
Speaker 2:Right? Like, what is it that they need that they're trying to get through doing this deed? Yeah.
Speaker 4:It's good. What in in y'all's experience when their answer is I don't know Yeah. What do you how how much do you push?
Speaker 1:I think it depends on what the topic is. I think, for me, if I've developed a relationship and they say, I don't know, then and I know that we've had conversations about x thing in the past. I could say, hey. This is what I know about this, and so I know that you know something.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I know this is what I know to be true, and this is how you've expressed you feel or what you see about this situation, whether it be a good or bad thing. And so I know that you I know that you have an answer. And so I I usually I am way more likely to kinda let the silence sit a little bit
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:And let it be awkward, and push them in, like, I know that you have an answer, and I know that you're capable of telling me. Mhmm. And, I mean, I can I can be a little pushy, but it definitely depends on the subject and if I've earned the right and the trust about that scenario?
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I think this is a great opportunity to lean into the Holy Spirit. Okay, Lord. What is it that you're doing? Do you want me to push?
Speaker 2:Do you want me to wait? Do you want me to say, hey. Look, man. I know that or I know you have an opinion about this, or if you don't have an opinion about this, why don't you think about it this week and we'll talk about it next week? And this kind of goes back, Steven, to what we were talking about earlier in writing down your stuff, especially now with iPhones.
Speaker 2:And if you have a smartphone, you can just put in the things that you've talked about in notes and just be a reminder for next week. Don't forget to bring up the topic of
Speaker 4:fill in the blank again. Yeah. Yeah. I I like that because if if you get an I don't know, that means you either table it for another discussion. Yeah.
Speaker 4:And since you asked it, now they're thinking about
Speaker 3:it
Speaker 2:more
Speaker 4:than they ever have
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:Possibly.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:And you can ask it again, and maybe they'll have an answer, or you rephrase your question more simply. So if you ask, what's your favorite restaurant? Maybe they don't know what the word restaurant means, which that restaurant word seems normal to us, but is that where do you like to eat food? Mhmm. They know they know what kind of food they like or where they like to eat it.
Speaker 4:And I I think that sometimes our questions, we can assume that they understand what we're asking.
Speaker 2:I think our kids have a lot more to say than we think that they do. Mhmm. And our kids have a lot more to say than they think that they do.
Speaker 4:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Just because they aren't skilled yet in the art of articulation, that doesn't mean that they don't have anything to say. I think one of our main jobs as a mentor is to teach them how to process and teach them how to have a conversation and teach them how to, if they would like, if you think that it would help them to verbally process hard topics with an adult that they trust, with an adult who can ask questions to where they might not say it. Man, mentor, I've never thought about that before. Thank you so much, and I can't wait to think about that. They might not ever say that, but that might be what they're thinking.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You might ask a question when they're 14 that they might not be able to answer until they're 18, but you've given them an opportunity that that question is now in their head and they can think about it from time to time, and it gives the Lord an opportunity to revisit that when the time is right. Yeah.
Speaker 1:We look at little kids, and we we were kinda talking about this, at the beginning, but how a 5 year old's brain I mean, we're talking about CJ. Like, his brain is going a 1000000 miles a minute, and he's talking. He's noticing every single thing, and he's telling mom what he sees and what he feels and what he thinks about every single thing. I mean, it it may just look like it's just word vomit. It's just so many things going on at once.
Speaker 1:But what can happen is when kids experience trauma, that curiosity gets completely shut down because it's like, hey. Stop talking. Mom's busy. Or, hey. Okay.
Speaker 1:I'll we'll visit this later or I don't wanna hear about that or whatever. And so that curiosity and those really good and exciting things whether it makes no sense or a ton of sense, that can get shut down. And so then our kids realize or start to think or believe the lie. Yeah. No one wants to hear from me.
Speaker 1:What matters to me or what I think is cool or interesting or important, it doesn't matter, and they can shut down. And so we are we're kind of reengaging their curiosity in some ways by asking good questions and creating an environment where that brain that is still going a 1000000 miles miles a minute can be expressed and can be verbally can be verbally expressed and where we are creating an environment where if your second grader is saying a ton of things where that's okay and invited.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Mentoring is not just telling kids what to do or how to do it. Mhmm. It's asking them what they think. It's asking them how they feel.
Speaker 4:It's diving into the way they see the world and helping them to express it in a in a tangible way
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 4:That they begin the wheels start turning.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 4:I I I mean, I love how our practical on figuring out what brings them joy has led into this conversation about asking good questions because asking good questions is a major part of mentoring, and it's a major part of our lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Most kids are told what to do all day. Right. They're not asked how they feel, and I think a mentor opens up another part of their brain that actually dreams Right. And believes and has to to process where they're at, and that creates a personality. That creates Sure.
Speaker 4:The person. Well and,
Speaker 2:I mean, as a former teacher and as someone who's worked with kids between the ages of 8 22 for the last 20 years, I am sometimes amazed at their inability to, I don't want to say think for themselves because that makes them sound like they're not intelligent, but I don't see them really taking risks and thinking of new ideas and being creative and things like that. And those are tools that it takes to be successful. I mean, whether you're an entrepreneur or whether you have to problem solve or think of different solutions to an issue that you guys are having, thinking for yourself and having the confidence to do that Yeah. That's a huge part of being a positive and productive adult.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So good. Mhmm. So what if what if my mentee, what brings him joy is, like, bullying kids. And Yeah.
Speaker 4:Like Well like, there's something unhealthy that he really enjoys.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think getting to the why of bullying the kid is may you're not gonna necessarily start there, but we don't wanna, like, support that behavior.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But I think it's really important as a mentor to mean, we've said this already today of just there's always a reason why. And so there's a reason why this kid enjoys bullying kids or enjoys destructive behavior, whatever that might be, and getting behind that and, like, really kind of learning what the why is so that you can then the why may not be bad. Like, the why may not may the why may be a hurt. But how do you channel that from going to destructive behavior to going to life giving behavior?
Speaker 2:Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 1:And utilizing that why, but we have to get there first. And so utilize the why may be, well, because this is how I, you know, this is what makes me feel cool, or this is what this is what gets me friends.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:So the why may be a need for friendship. Okay. Well, if we can get to the need for friendship, how do we channel that from destructive behavior to life giving?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then, well, let me introduce you to maybe you have another friend who's mentoring a kid.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Or maybe this kid is in a school and you know other kids or your your son or your daughter is their age.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you can start making these other connections that are life giving and healthy versus destructive.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And how can you take their gifts and their passions, kinda like what Cash was just saying, and point them towards Jesus? Right? I mean, There was one of my good friends in College who was the life of the party, right? I mean, this guy was always center stage.
Speaker 2:He was a ton of fun, but he really loved the scene where it was just this wild party, right? And then someone who loved Jesus introduced him to the Christian camp scene and there it was like, he was still doing everything that he loved to do. It just was in a redeemed environment.
Speaker 1:Like a healthy,
Speaker 2:positive environment. Healthy, positive. I mean, this guy was the life of camp. I mean, he was the star of every skit, and he was jumping up and down and going crazy. And he was doing basically the same thing that he was doing at his parties.
Speaker 2:It's just he was doing it now for Jesus. You can identify if a kid is a leader, you know, and our job as mentors is to guide them from, Hey, you're leading in a way that isn't positive. Let's try to figure out how to lead for Jesus. Or whether they're sensitive or whether they're compassionate. I have a sense.
Speaker 2:I feel like the Lord has really given me a sense of discernment. Whenever, I was not following Jesus, I could discern people's weaknesses, and I used that to build myself up because I would make fun of them.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Right? I could, in my heart, say, man, this kid is really sensitive in this area. I'm going to attack it for my own personal gain, but someone taught me how to redeem that for Jesus. And now the Lord uses that to really enter into the lives of people and say, Hey, man, let me enter into this hard spot and show you compassion and love, and let me show you how what some might call a weakness is actually a strength.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I sure hope that that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. It does. I think it's important to note that, like, something that you might see as a destructive behavior may not in reality be destructive, like, for instance, video games or something that you that you just don't like
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or that you wish there was less of. Yeah. That may not be a hill to die on today, and, sure, there may be a conversation in the future of, hey, buddy. Let's not spend every moment of free time playing video games. But
Speaker 4:It's okay to play 2 k.
Speaker 1:It's okay.
Speaker 4:While mentoring.
Speaker 2:And It's true story.
Speaker 1:It is. And it is if that brings them joy, I just don't think that they're that every everything that you have an opinion about is a hill to die on. And there is that goes back to humility and just Yeah. Okay. Is my perspective always the right one?
Speaker 1:No. No. It's not.
Speaker 2:Hey. This actually reminds me of a situation that I saw one time at one of our events, where we had this mentor and the kid was always playing on his phone. I I wanna hear what Adam was thinking whenever he looked over and saw his kid on his phone and what he did to enter into his world and how he ultimately used that to better his relationship with the kid that he mentored.
Speaker 5:You know, I wanted to be frustrated at first. Here we are at a family dinner, and, Chetavious just wants to sit there and play games on his phone. So my my first reaction was to really just kinda say, hey, man. What are you doing? Stop.
Speaker 5:We're at a family dinner. You need to be talking to others and and participating. But, you know, what I found was actually a much better response was just to kinda put everything on hold and say, hey. Can I play? And so, yeah, we just got to spend some time really just doing what he wanted to do and just spend some time really bonding over this thing that at first I wanted to rebuke and and kinda tell him was a wrong thing to be doing at the time.
Speaker 5:But instead, by really just spending time doing what he wanted to do, it was it was really fun experience, and it was something we bonded over. And, you know, I think in the end, there was a there was really a win there, just, kind of the bonding and the, the growing of the relationship, just spending that time doing something simple that he really enjoyed doing even if even if at the time, I didn't think it was really appropriate. But, you know, you gotta pick your battles. And at this point, I think it was the right decision.
Speaker 4:Wow. Love that. Let's talk about our last point now. We, as mentors, need to earn our mentee's attention by commanding it, not demanding it. So I know that that statement probably sounds weird to somebody, but everyone knows the guy in the room that's always like, pay attention to me.
Speaker 4:Like
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah. Look at me. Yeah. It's me. So Yeah.
Speaker 4:But the, I mean, the best image is, like, Russell Crowe, Gladiator, who is, like, leading the charge, and he's calling everyone into battle, but he's going first.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:Like and so, yes, he's he's commissioning people to come with him, but he's going. And I think that that kind of leadership demands attention Mhmm. In a way that commanding it never will. And so that I mean, I think that's why Jesus came in humility and came to die to self sacrifice was he was setting an example that everyone in the world looks at, and it demands something. It demands a response from you, And it's not just Jesus showing up on the scene in glory saying, everyone worship me.
Speaker 4:It's watch my life and have your your life turn upside down by the way that I live. Yep. And, I think that is a really powerful thing, that can honestly come against, all the distractions in the world that our kids are facing these days. That if you live an undistracted life following Jesus, that's gonna distract people away from all these other things that are grabbing for their attention. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think this kinda goes back to our saying, you know, there's more that is caught than taught. Yeah. And so often, your kids are learning so much just by watching you. And, yes, it is our job to teach our kids with our words, hey.
Speaker 2:This is the right way to go. But, I've had more mentors that I've learned just by watching, by watching them be a husband, by watching them have a conversation at dinner, by watching them be a boss, by watching them be a father, that's how I've learned. And I can remember times I can replay images in my head that I've seen some of my mentors do things, and in my mind, I'm thinking, man, that's awesome. I wanna be like that. I don't really ever remember a lot of conversations that I've had where someone's been like, hey, today we're gonna talk about how to be a man.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. I do remember a couple of those where some man sat me down and said, hey, Zach. You've got pride in your life. Let's talk about that. But for the most part, it's been experiences.
Speaker 2:It's been more has been caught in how to be a godly man than taught, which is so crazy because we spend so much time teaching. There's so many books, so many podcasts, so many sermons. And sometimes, I just wonder if, we shouldn't be focusing more on creating experiences, as opposed to teaching.
Speaker 1:It's important to remember, like, the way that you talk to others, not even your kid, but when your kid is there, the way that you're talking to other people and interacting with other people is huge because they are learning.
Speaker 4:Most definitely.
Speaker 1:They're learning that, oh, that's different, or they were so kind, or and when that's consistent too, that consistency in behavior is really a big deal.
Speaker 4:I wonder how much this concept is reflected in our children, in in the kids, where if if our MO is listen to me, look at me, like, all the little things that are just kind of I'm trying to get your attention, how that reflects in the way our kids function.
Speaker 2:Well, it comes down to the simple saying, you will recreate who you are. Mhmm. And if you want the kid that you mentor to be kind, if you want them to love Jesus, if you want them to be patient, if you want them to lead and do the things of Jesus, well, they're gonna learn that from you. And they're gonna learn so much more from your actions than from your words. And so this comes back to being a good mentor and discipling someone and mentoring someone and investing into their lives.
Speaker 2:It starts with you. It starts with your character. It starts with your relationship with Jesus. It starts with how humble you are. It starts with how open you are in saying, man, spending time with Jesus is the most important thing in my life.
Speaker 2:Well, you can say that or you can do it. And him watching you do it is going to have so much more of an impact than you saying it. Yeah. You can tell a kid, Hey, be nice. But what's really gonna catch his attention is when you are nice.
Speaker 2:Wow. And so that's why so much of mentoring, especially mentoring a kid who you're trying to get him to follow Jesus, it starts with your own personal walk. Mhmm. It starts with you being fed by the Lord. It starts with your intimate relationship with him.
Speaker 2:It starts with you depending on him and being humble and going to the vine day after day after day because you will reproduce who you are. Yeah. It's that simple.
Speaker 4:It's really good.
Speaker 2:I'm a tad bit convicted here just because I really want to live a life where someone looks at me, especially a kid, and says, I wanna be like that.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And I I want to live a life that looks different, that makes the kid ask questions. Man, how come Garza does that whenever every other guy that I know does this? How come he's he's nice when people are mean and so on. And man, it's it really is just everything that makes me different starts with my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Everything. And I want to be in the world, but I don't want to look like the world. Because we as Christians, as followers of Jesus, we look different. And our actions are going to teach our kids how to be different and how to truly have success as the Lord sees it instead of how the world sees it.
Speaker 4:That is today's episode. We're so thankful for you listening. Hopefully, you picked up some tips and tricks on how to earn your mentee's attention, but just to go over them real quick, earn your mentee's attention by giving them yours, give them your attention instead of demanding, they give them, give, give you theirs, and ask good questions, earn your mentees attention by seeking out and asking questions about what they enjoy, because you're gonna learn so much about them through that. That's gonna ask, help you to ask more questions and understand their story because there's always a reason why, everything that they do. And then our last practical was just earn your mentee's attention by commanding it, not demanding it.
Speaker 4:If you live a life following Jesus undistracted, you're gonna pull them away from all the distractions in life because your life is captivating because Jesus captures people's attention by the way that he lives, not, not just the way that he demands attention. More is caught than taught. Thank you guys so much for listening. Check our show notes for more information about the brain because we are not brainologists. So please go listen to some TED Talks and read some articles about what's happening in, that developmental phase of a child, specifically children who have faced trauma, societal issues, injustices that will help you so much in your mentor relationship.
Speaker 4:And if there's nothing you picked up from today's episode, let it be this. You can mentor. You can.