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We share stories of how the blood of Jesus has transformed ours and others' lives.
Hey everybody! I'm Denalee Bell, and welcome to the Soapy box. Today on our show, we have Tyler Bell and Nicole Hreniuc. It's my smoldering girlfriend right there. Yes, smoking hot girlfriend.
My son, who I'm very proud to call my son - he's also a music producer and artist. Sure am. And Nicole is just a recent graduate with her degree in forensic psychology.
And I'm super excited; given your guys ' backgrounds and what you're up to in life, I cannot wait to hear some of your insights and wisdom on the topic of self-image. Oh yeah.
Because you both deal with it, right? Everybody deals with it. Yes. Yeah absolutely. So today, in our preparation, we did read the book Psycho Cybernetics from Dr. Maxwell Maltz, which was really good. And I'm going to say I didn't finish it because some of the chapters I read multiple times. There was such great insight in it, practical wisdom, common sense, neuroscience, and much of it was backed with a Biblical message - which it wasn't always necessarily stated that it was a Biblical message...
but they kind of Trojan Horsed it? Yes. Yeah exactly, exactly. So, I'm just gonna also say that none of us are experts - not one of us is an expert in psychology, sociology, anthropology, law. We are all still working on it. Yeah. Anything. It's just nice to have the tools from that book, really. Exactly. We're not. In the future podcasts too, this disclaimer we'll probably mention again. We're just students in life. Like we're on the same journey you're on, but we've had some bumps, bruises, and scrapes that maybe you can learn from, so you don't have to get them. And it's always better to leapfrog off somebody else's mistakes. Then you don't have to get as bruised or end up in the ditch as long as maybe we did in some of these areas. And, like there's particular area that we're going to talk about that I was in the ditch for many years in my life, So it's super important to have a healthy self-image because it really determines your happiness and your success. So, Tyler why don't you tell us a little bit about what self-image is and how do you develop it?
Yeah, self-image is pretty much just how you see yourself, and it's based on how you've seen yourself based on your past experiences. So, the two things that I like to make sure that most people know, or everybody knows when we're talking about self-image, is that your actions, your attitudes, your feelings, your behaviors all come from your self-image and how you see yourself. And the second point is that it can be changed. Self-image can be changed, which is really cool, and I think for all of us, we love Point number two, right?
Yes! And I've struggled with self-image for a long time. Everybody does. And I know there was a dark time in my life that I just saw myself as completely worthless and not deserving of anything, but here I am today just at a completely different point. You know what I mean? It's hard to hear as your mother, to be honest, that you ever felt that way, but I've felt the same way. And I think a lot of people in the world, at some point, don't feel great about themselves. Yeah it's hard yeah exactly so Nicole what what areas of our life does self-image affect? I really think it affects everything, to be honest. I think it's really every aspect of your life.
I don't think you can really be that successful if you're not really prioritizing taking care of yourself in that sense. In any aspect. Yeah. yes. I think it's really important for our mental health, for even our spiritual health. If we don't see ourselves as God sees us, how do we even grow? Because then we see God as kind of like this mean dictator. I don't think things properly. yeah. I think we see things improperly. yeah. So I think I want to discuss a little bit about really getting - Let's dive into the negative stuff. The negative stuff is hard to talk about sometimes, and we don't want to be there. But it's important to know what causes some of these issues, or the experiences we have in life that create negative self-image, or how do we correct it if we're not aware, or how are we even motivated to want to correct it? Yeah. Anyone have any experiences they want to share? Yeah, I know I learned I can be very judgmental, and Nicole knows this. Yeah. She sees it a little bit deeper. Well no. You're not really that judgmental. I think we all struggle with it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working on it and it's gotten a lot better over time, but say maybe about a couple months ago - I have a hard time in the car like when there's somebody being a real meanie on the road, you know what I mean? I get road rage, and I start to pick right at their weak points and what I can see physically first, you know what I mean? I can get ugly in my head real quick. And, I don't like being there, you know? Well, I don't think we feel good about ourselves when we are mean about somebody.Even if it's just in our heads. Yeah, and I think a big thing that I learned from that book is you unintentionally judge yourself the way you judge others. It's interesting. It's interesting and it's weird how I can find it - and especially in the points that I struggle with the most - like oh you're doing this thing that I have had a problem with, now you're especially bad for it and I'm coming at you just because of that one thing. You know what I mean? Because I'm struggling with it right now, and I'm not aware of it because my pride's in the way. There was a speaker who I once heard. I can't remember who it was, but she said, "it's interesting how when we have a victory in one area, even after we've struggled, how horribly judgmental we can be to other people who just haven't arrived at the victory yet." Yeah, yeah. And I think it's it's the same thing as like sometimes when I see somebody or they irritate me or something and then rubs me wrong, I will say almost always it's something I don't like about myself. Yeah. I agree. I just don't want to talk about it or deal with it. I want to pick on it in them, then I guess I don't have to work on it myself. Yeah. Compassion is really the key, and you said one thing about like finding like the beauty in people that you see anywhere, as much as you can, in every person and making it practice and intentionally choosing to see the beauty in the person that you might be struggling with in a particular moment. And I think the other kind of semi-good thing I guess is if you judge someone and you're immediately pretty aware that you did it, I don't think everybody has that awareness, and I think the fact that you even have that awareness just shows you're trying to be better. Yeah, for sure. That shows a lot, you know? Thank you. I appreciate it. I mean I feel like when I was a teenager and I was just an angry 16-year-old and I was judging people. I don't think I was really as self-aware as I would be now I guess. So that's a big step. It is I was telling you guys... I don't know if I should share this story. Yesterday, we were shopping and I was telling you about what my dad and I used to do for fun. We just thought that was fun. We would go to the airport early because that's when you could still. Everyone could go to the airport, and we get ice cream, and we'd make fun of people walking by. Like just people watch. We called it people watching, yeah but it wasn't nice and we looked forward to it. But I didn't realize how destructive that was. It's the nature behind it in your heart, right? It is. So, judgment and judging other people comes from insecurity about yourself. Well that's what we were tearing apart, right? Yeah. You're insecure about yourselves, but it feels real good to beat somebody else up for it. You know what I mean? It was very unhealthy, but it was also weirdly a bonding moment with my dad, so it was just it was kind of an interesting experience that I thought about several times throughout my life, but which probably leads us to the next topic...
Properly so growing up... I grew up in a complicated family. And I had this constant need for approval and validation. And I think you know a lot of people have that. Like we all want to be approved, but I think mine was extra. I struggle with it too. Yes so I didn't know how to be me, and I don't know if this is necessarily a poor self-image or no self-image at all. Because what I would do, is I would just become whoever I thought that person wanted me to be. Yeah. You know as a teenager - oh, I think you want me to be this wild party girl and then you'll like me and I'll get invited to the parties. And it worked. Yeah and I want to do a bunch of drugs and drink because and I'll be the first one to do it in my grade so I can show that I'm harder than everybody else. You know what I mean? Sadly, I think I was the same person. So... I don't think it was your fault though. But it morphed into my marriage, and with my relationship with my mom, and even with you. Where this is who Tyler needs me to be, and I want him to like me. Sometimes instead of being a parent, I would be that person to you because I wanted you to like me. It wasn't probably until the last decade that I started working on it, and I'm not sure that I'm completely 100 healed from that, but it is something I have to think about. Like, who am I in this moment? Who am I? What do I want in this moment? What is real or am I doing this to make this person like me? I have to actively ask myself that quite a bit. That probably created a victim mentality as well which is a third point that we're going to talk about. Is a need for this constant validation and approval. What would happen is I would do all these things for people. I would do favors. I would be like okay this person needs this done. Well, I'll do it times ten, and then they'll like me. Then they never acted like they were supposed to. They didn't fall in love with me. Then I'd be frustrated and resentful and then I was a victim. I think the victim mentality - and that that happens different ways to different people - I mean there's people who are truly victims of horrifying things. Yeah, but you have to choose, am I going to be a victim in this situation, or am I going to be a Victor. I think that victim mentality... We can stay there. It's not hard to find a reason to feel sorry for myself. Yeah. And it's a cycle because it's a dopamine hit, right? Yeah. It feels good. It feels good. It does I feel like the world's against you and the second you get people to kind of sugarcoat you a little bit feels even better. Oh yeah, it does doesn't it? Get addicted to it. Come on, feel this. You know what she did to me? But for me, I feel like the best moments are when somebody calls me out, and this is like getting really real with me and like that's when it's like, Ugh. And I'm the type that at least really likes honesty in that sense, just a little honesty. Sometimes it's hard though. It is. I think it's um it is. The brutal honesty is hard. We'll talk about that a little bit later in strategies. Yeah yeah. We'll get there. I know jealousy and comparison is a hard one for me. I think the world has totally done this. It is it is a similar I think - it's a cousin to judging and it's all from pride, right? Yeah, pride. And pride is probably the road. It's rooted in insecurity. yep yep But the jealousy and comparison is huge, right? When we compare ourselves to somebody we're not, it's like saying we're not good enough to ourselves. Oh I'm not good enough, I need to be who you are. It's interesting. I remember when I was first making music and stuff and I was showing you and Dad a little about it. I was just comparing myself to like the Hot 100 artists, you know. And you guys were like you're just as good, you're just as good, but I was like no I'm not. Look at these guys. Look what they're doing Look at their videos. Look at all this stuff they have and it's like what the first five months of me making music - I was comparing my first step to their 10 000 step. You know what I mean? And I do this too with friends as well that are getting shine or like in music, and there's this jealousy. like oh they can have it but I can't. You know what I mean? But it steals so much. Do You Hear What it stole? It stole the joy of the journey, and it stole the joy of you knowing that this is where you are. Yeah. And that's where you were supposed to be. Yeah. And I'm not saying I haven't been there. I'm just saying I recognize that in myself as well. Yeah for sure. It's interesting. It's weird how unaware of it I was too. Because I just didn't think I was good enough and I was like why am I not good enough? Because all these people are doing better than me. But I just wasn't knowing myself in the process - knowing where I was at. You know what I mean? I was just comparing. And I think with social media and especially and I I don't want to say only as women because I know you guys deal with this as well, but social media it's hard not to compare yourself. I mean I grew up in a different generation where maybe I don't spend as much time on that part of it, my time's probably spent doing you know even less productive things on social media - like watching dogs on Tick Tock - seeing wasn't me but my Shaggy totally inappropriate - but if you ever do get a chance you should look at it. but oh yeah It's funny. But there's almost this fake comparison that I think can happen for women your age that just scares me for you guys. I feel like one thing that really freed me from that feeling of comparison and jealousy, especially in social media - I think being aware that I think when you're comparing yourself to people you just forget that these people are also people - as well you almost look at them as little trophies and you don't really realize that they probably are feeling the exact same thing as you and who knows they're probably comparing themselves to you. It's interesting to humanize that thing that you're looking at. And it really gives you so much awareness and it it almost just like kills that need for comparison in your head. Yeah. So I feel like the society in general like even when I was a kid, right, we had magazine or teen magazine and that's that's what we had but you guys have social media like there was these impossible beauty standards there were these impossible and they could change. Because Marilyn Monroe was extremely voluptuous and beautiful which I would have been like perfect for her time. And then I was growing up it was like this heroin Chic really thin wafy girls with boy bodies and I'm like there's just no way. yeah. And so at that that was kind of probably when I was your age and I just always felt wrong. Like my clothes weren't meant for the clothes that they were building then and I I think of the girls now who have that in addition to these ultra perfect Instagram models because they're perfect by filters, right? these like young Photoshop yes and you know you're It's awesome that you see that, but there's these 16-year-old girls who are watching this thinking they're not enough. Yeah. Well and it always changes. You're never going to be enough, you're never going to please the world. No one person can please the whole world you know what I mean? I think you hit the nail on the head there. I mean that's it. You can only please God.That probably should be one of our strategies, if it's not as is you know, conforming to this world is just an ill-gotten adventure that never works. Yeah You will never make the world happy. No. And you'll never be happy or successful. Yeah. You'll never be happier successful trying to make any yep conforming to what the world says you should be or your friends or your family or anyone. It true. So negative self-talk. oh. I think, again, anyone could
have anyone could have this happen right where you have these things in your head that you say that are negative. It's the hardest thing I feel like to master. It really is because you first of all you don't know what's happening, like you're doing it you know what I mean you don't know when it's happening and then you start to become more aware of it and you have to like force yourself to redirect that negative self-talk and it's hard to do that when you're in a loop of doing it often. Yeah and it sucks because you really trick yourself into believing yourself when you self-talk negatively. Especially if it's a repeated pattern. It's just like any habit um I think he kind of addressed this in the book too but you would just know this if you've ever created a habit um something voluntary becomes involuntary you know you you brush your teeth every day you don't really think about it it just happens because it's a habit now but if you keep saying these like I don't even say it out loud but because I don't want to give power to any words but I'm gonna say I'm dumb I'm fat I'm not good enough my nose is too big I don't have enough education to do this I don't have enough yeah I'm not good enough if you say any of those things or have any of those thoughts in your head, it becomes part of your identity and part of who you think you are it perpetuates into your reality like it does 100 and it's weird like even when it as far as like I feel like I can convince myself into an asthma attack I think that's the truth I identify with asthma and convince myself that I'm having one and make it happen because I'm anxious or worried about my breathing especially when I don't have an inhaler on me because like it's so severe and I'm like uh like I'm uneasy and then I start to think and and make that worry turn into an asthma attack it's so crazy I think our thoughts and words have much more power than we give them credit for yeah I mean if if somebody can manage their heart rate with their thoughts that's happens that's recorded people can do that we can manage a lot right yeah the Bible tells me so I agree when a man's heart what do you think is as so is he yeah you know whether you're a Christian or not doesn't make it not so yeah yeah um oh and for the non-christians my favorite quote I think it's on almost everything I have is whether you think you can or think you can't you're right yeah I like that too so Tyler one of the other um issues you see in people of self-image is what they call the failure mechanism and he describes that in the book do you want to tell us a little bit about that yeah so when you like I'll start with an example so like when you're sick you are aware of your symptoms right it doesn't feel good you get nausea or whatever and you're not a fan of it but it shows you that you're sick and it's a course correcting symptom right and you get to see it it's a signal the symptom makes you aware that there's something wrong yeah yeah exactly so when we fail we have the defensive mechanism and we use that because we think that it's going to bring us happiness but it never really does and it's when we see those defense mechanisms and and I'll talk to Sam right now let me find it real quick um yeah frustration hopelessness and futility IS F a is aggressiveness eyes insecurity L is loneliness U is uncertainty R's resentment e is emptiness and I would go check out the book and read about how each of those defense mechanisms like are a assign and are not bringing you to happiness because but you could see how any one of those could happen when you fail yeah yeah exactly so like I don't do something right and I get angry at and lash out on those around me right I can notice in that moment that I'm being angry and this is just a defense mechanism that I'm pulling out right I might get insecure yeah or am I getting secure and then you can when in the book it describes the root of all of them and why you feel that and what you can do in order to to move forward it's like insecurity is um what is or like having compassion for others because you don't see your own self-worth it's one of them yeah so it gives you a way to redirect your thought so you come in with a thought okay so let's say I failed at a business so um when your dad and I when you were little we lost everything in around 2008 2009 mm-hmm and we created a huge failure mechanism right yeah we um got scared yeah even afterwards because we lost everything we lost our home we lost our savings we lost everything and it was our fault you know we over speculated in the building Market but we felt like failures yeah and we came across defensively I remember I I said some snotty things that I would not have said to anyone to somebody trying to collect money from me that I I mean the poor guy was wanting to feed his family and I'm yelling at him yeah and um but it it didn't it took years in fact we were just discussing this morning that we just realized that we're still scared a little bit we don't take risks that we even know we should yeah we're still a little fear in there yeah it's interesting it's weird how much it holds you back and how like you think you use it because you think it's just gonna make it better it's going to solve your problem but it never does and it's a sneaky little lie you've been told it is but redirecting that into like bravery instead of fear yeah and just getting through something teaches you oh that wasn't true I can do this it's not like you can't like have a failure mechanism everybody struggles it's not like you're not going to have these things pop up from time to time but you can use them to be aware in in practice the awareness of these defense mechanisms okay that come with failure I think um that example I just gave about when we lost everything or this happens in life there's false programming and beliefs that we have and it can happen when you're a kid right somebody can say an innocuous comment you can have a boyfriend that says you're not good enough you can have a husband that tells you oh you've gotten really chunky not my current husband my husband is a saint he loves me all sizes yeah thank you thank you Jesus but um it can be an innocuous comment or I had a council Council high school counselor who told me I wasn't College material and so it creates a belief system or let's say you grew up in a family where you were neglected you didn't maybe feel worthy and maybe that you know kept going in life because what happens is when we have this false programmer and believes it starts with just a thought and then we look for a way to reinforce that thought and especially Insidious and children because they think everything's their fault they think they have a lot more power than they really do yeah right so it's interesting we'll use the neglected child as an incident or maybe um somebody who didn't feel loved right so then they don't feel worthy but then when they see it again like a friend doesn't treat him right it feels like it just confirms that belief and then they become a hammer looking for a nail they become a hammer looking for reasons to believe they're not worthy and if they don't find it they create that situation so false programming beliefs which I have had issues with you know in different areas of my life um food in particular has been an issue for me where I've had some weird programming and belief systems that I've had to deal with that is it true am I really obese and fat no no I'll tell you a hundred times a lot and I'm I'm probably the heaviest I'm I don't I'm not usually this heavy but I look like it's me but I'm okay I'm like this is where I'm at I'm 50 and I feel good yeah I mean I'm not saying I want to see healthy that's all yes yeah and he wants my mind healthy yeah he doesn't want me focused on that because then guess what then I'm not gonna go jump in the pool with you guys yeah then I mean you know how much I missed out on life worried about dumb stuff because I I didn't want somebody to think I was fat and now it's crazy huh yes because somebody told me I was it's hard it's hard though to be in that moment and to be so like maybe insecure about a certain thing right yes it's crazy how much just one comment changes like everything in your life it is so true and I think that's part of improving our self-image right we're talking about the things that hurt it and I think when we get to this we're going to talk about strategies to overcome that yeah yeah because it's scary time anyway I didn't even like actually going back there just now thinking about that time yeah it doesn't feel good huh it doesn't but I mean other people might be going through it so let's move on to happier thoughts let's talk about characteristics like let's let's do our Avatar of a person with a healthy self-image what do they look like to you oh they they are motivated disciplined happy physically fit successful probably got some money but they don't care because it doesn't matter they make enough they'll make more they make enough they'll go about that yeah they make enough yeah they have more probably more peace and joy in their entire life I think they're willing to take risks because they know if it doesn't work out they'll just go do it again yeah they have the confidence to do it yeah confidence mad confidence Mad God security security I like all that the opposite of what we just talked about yeah
you had a list here I'm seeing if we hit them all yep oh except for you know my favorite my favorite no need for external validation they don't have this need to conform to society's standards to the world standards they have their own drum and they're marching to it and they're secure in it and I feel like identity like they know their identity yes they know who they are yeah they know who they were created to be they know their purpose I mean when they see themselves they have a clearer image yes right yes their self-image yeah I agree so let's we're going to talk about experiences the the mirror isn't foggy you know I mean when they look in the mirror the mirror isn't foggy I like that they're wiping it and it takes a little effort you know to make those wipes and then it kind of gets foggy again right when the when the humidity comes back in it and you've got to keep wiping it it's true and it's not easy to just knit one of those in the bud for that yeah it takes effort it takes repetition consistent and intentional repetition especially if you didn't grow up and I'll stay home oh yeah or if you didn't grow up with somebody who had those Basics if you didn't grow up with somebody with a healthy self-image like how did you learn because that's how we learn is by modeling and experiencing absolutely so and that's the state of our world today frankly like or probably since the beginning of time there's there's probably been dysfunction roaming around yeah so I'm so excited we get to move past the negative stuff yeah yeah and well and so we'll probably still address some negative things because we have to when we're addressing the strategies like what are our experiences of things that have created a better self-image within us do you guys have any strategies that you like would like to share I think just taking care of myself when I even if it comes to just like make be having enough discipline to work out five times a week you know I think it makes a big basis for everything else I'm doing in my life I think um it's like you completed a goal right so it's success and we have to have those successes to feel good about ourselves yeah and they talked about this in the book even a little bit where you know we're going to make mistakes we're going to fail we're going to do things wrong right but if you're a baby and you're trying to grab the rattle or you're trying to learn to walk you wouldn't call that baby a dummy or an idiot not being able to walk the first time can you imagine you didn't walk the first time bro don't even try again don't even try again just get back on the floor yeah right oh that's funny but I think just even something a simple as working out is a good stepping stone I think so I what I love about working out because I'd work out too is it sets me up for success for the day I feel more confident about myself regardless of where I'm at I always feel better if I work out yeah and it is this mini discipline where it creates discipline in other areas of your life so it's like a cold shower in that way or like a cold plunge where it's like you put yourself through discomfort because for you know long-term benefit you know what I mean and you know that okay that was something hard that I achieved today I can do more of that you know I mean I'm capable of achieving hard things yes yes I love people that can do cold plunges I wish I could do it I I am I I've tried the shower I've got three seconds in and I feel like that is a big deal there's things to do that does it and like like way up North like Canada up north and it's snowing all the time and it's always ice and he just gets it he's probably just used to it
well he always talks about like I really don't want to do this today but I committed on social media you know what I mean I you know you kind of wrote about that and I I've tried but it it's hard I think I think starting with the showers is a good place like it's I feel like it's I've heard people think it's like colder you know what I mean because I feel like the air moving around but just kind of gradually getting colder and colder and colder and getting used to it a little bit because when you just flip it right to cold it sucks so a strategy is trying something and completing it and doing it yeah even if it's three seconds so success breeds success which helps us build our self-image yeah momentum yeah so deciding to want better for yourself Tyler that's on our list of topics yeah I was about a better hit it um I remember there was like a season in my life that just so ashamed of myself I felt like the villain and I identified with being the villain you know what I mean and and I thought that's who I was and who I was you know I mean in a weird way um because I just ended up hurting so many people in my life at that time um but I knew it was just so like unsustainable for myself I couldn't I was coming to an end of like who I wanted to be I needed to figure it out and really the biggest step was just deciding to want more and and I remember calling me one time I was like I'm depressed like I need help Mom you know what I mean you're like all right well I'm gonna come down we're gonna figure this out and you gave me the miracle morning book and that was like that alone like just was like oh there's a whole new side of my world flip and it was like deciding to want better for myself just ultimately and and take like actually consuming knowledge that's gonna bring me forward right because I couldn't and just sometimes it's as simple as just I always want better no you have to decide you want something and then go after it a little bit yeah and I think it's dipping your toes in the water even a little bit because all the time it just comes out you'll always end up better than where you were in the first place and it's easy to soak up in all those feelings that you had before I think it's hard to take that step it's it's easy to be in misery because I think that depression and self-loathing I was reading one of your articles you get a dopamine hit yeah you totally like how we said earlier yeah and that's the depression shame Loop cycle whatever you know the spiral and it gets worse and worse and worse and then it's so much harder to get out of it and I believe after reading that information that's why people get stuck in addiction yeah oh yeah I agree stuck in depression stuck in addiction I think sometimes I mean sometimes I well I'm not going to even say this because I know this is a soapy box moment this is a Denali opinion moment yeah stand on your soapbox here's my soapbox I think sometimes depression can be an addiction having been there myself you can get addicted to the feeling and wanting to be there I agree I agree I agree with that I I'm living in shame in like wanting to be the it's kind of victim mentality wanting to be the victim wanting to be this person so I don't have pressure of yes and then I want everyone to know it facing it do you see what I'm going through don't you see feel bad for me yes and it takes responsibility of you fixing it for yourself right yes a little bit yes yes yes yes yes and I think that's where leading me to our next segue truth that was one of the experiences I've had is living in absolute truth you know digging through those past traumas sometimes and digging through my life and knowing what's true and what's not and that's difficult when you've been lying to yourself a lot of years because you have to figure out what's true and what isn't and and that's a that's a difficult process your dad and I had a rocky time in our marriage a few years ago and we've been together almost 30 years oh let's go I know thank you guys for figuring it out thank you I I have to say I prayed about our marriage and it's better than it could ever be and I'm gonna be honest it's when we put God in the center of our marriage that's when it got better but that's when we all started seeing truth yeah that's when we started getting brutally honest with each other yeah and I mean we're having conversations you've been avoiding for 20 years it was I mean I don't even know if we avoided a conversation or we didn't even know I really truly thought he was the source of all my problems interesting I thought his personality issue was the source of everything I didn't realize that my co-dependent behavior my enabling Behavior because he has huge anxiety yeah but I wouldn't enable it yeah because it would cause some anxieties for me to do certain things I just quit gave up on the things that I loved in life because I didn't want him to have anxiety yeah because I thought okay this is just easier so when I started being who I was supposed to be I thought he was going to leave me yeah I totally thought he was gonna leave me I thought oh he's not gonna like who I really am because he doesn't even know who I really am in all fairness it would have been totally righteous of him to leave me like I didn't marry this girl but he didn't we worked through it and we probably ended up loving you more he did because you're who you are he does yeah I think he must have saw bits and pieces of me in there yeah but um it was just this beautiful thing and now we have like a pretty dope honesty I'd say dude yeah like but it's brutal sometime I'm like oh I'm trying to manipulate you because I want you to do this instead of just asking you to do this yeah and we'll he's he'll say the same similar things because it'll happen we'll have some clarification and it's kind of this beautiful truth that I I mean there's a deeper love there's a deeper connection that I didn't even know was available yeah that's awesome that's something that me and Tyler prioritized a lot especially in the beginning of our relationship is having that truth yeah and I think it made us both more authentic Even in our individual lives yeah I'm kind of like radically honest sometimes yeah you are moments that it's inappropriate you can do it nice yeah like inappropriately and like that you didn't need to say that to me right now you probably just need to say that's me I don't think we need to be honest about the other person we need to be honest about ourselves yeah yeah and I think that's what and sometimes you know I will will Dad and I will be in a conversation I'm like that's not true you're telling yourself a lie on that one yeah like because you just know them so well yeah and you're like that's not really what you want that's not really what you're asking for like let's just be honest oh that's funny and but he does the same thing to me but there's a freedom in our relationship now and I kind of see that within you too as well and it feels like you guys are both give each other room to grow and learn yeah it feels like an iron sharp and sharpens iron relationship which is why I so adore you and love you and excited about them call each other out and see how we do sometimes it's hard we always have super deep conversations dude it's fun yeah I agree yeah I think I just feel blessed that we get to put Jesus in the middle of our relationship that's that's I didn't understand what that really was you know what I mean and I just feel super blessed to be able to have that with somebody and have somebody who is wanting the same thing is such a blessing I feel so blessed and this time and day and age I know it's a huge deal and she's smoldering that's my baby I love you all right smoking hot Romanian I love you okay we don't want to embarrass you but we do we do think you're beautiful and we love how you cook so yeah you feel that yeah thanks and you're smart [Laughter] well just in case you had any false programming I haven't picked up on any I was just saying he didn't pick up on anything because you know I'm part psychologist just joking just joking that's funny so so um those are I mean I think some of our great experiences like I think I want to talk about some strategies I think most things I'm going to start um with most things start with a thought we kind of talked about that with um the false programming and belief system everything starts with a thought and it's really kind of what we do with that thought yeah so I really like the idea of visualization as a strategy and visualizing what I want and what I see and I incorporate God in that I get if you're not a Christian that's not a requirement you can still visualize what you want in life um and just just a side note the biblical principles work even if you're not a Christian they do work yeah which is why some people get confused why things are happening for people who aren't Christians that are in the Bible it's because they work for everyone because God's not a liar so so
I like the visualization and being able to see what I want and think about it and prepare for it so like if you're preparing for a test or a sales call if you're a salesperson and visualizing okay what kind of questions do I think this kind of person is going to ask and I kind of run through them in my head you know you know what I mean when I used to do more sales and I'd run through those through my heads and kind of have an answer for anything they might ask and though I didn't always have all the answers I felt more confident walking into the situation and I came out okay yeah I mean I always did well yeah I always felt good about it at the end like okay I might have not done that perfectly but I gave it my best I tried my hardest and that's all I can do yeah for sure and I learned from it and it was good I remember somebody told me when you're visualizing like visualize like you when you reach the moment that you really like like got it right and envisioned what it all five senses smell taste here like look like what does it all look like and then visualized all the steps that it took for you to get there and all the steps forward and really concrete like that visual like understanding of what it really looks like yes and I think I think I agree completely with that because I do do a visualization practice and it's important because it helps breed success and success helps increase your it's kind of like looking at your goals right yes you can kind of see like oh this is inspiring to me this is what I want this is motivating to me and if goals is an overwhelming word for you use the word projects some people get overwhelmed by that word Kohl's but whatever it is like whatever you're working on overuse whatever you want self-help yes whatever it looks like um I think visualizing yourself even being successful or achieving something or setting a goal and making it or finishing a project even just visualizing that success helps you breed more success which increases your self-image makes it feel real like like you could actually achieve it like yes are achieving it or you have achieved it already and I think some people are in such a bad place and I've been there myself where you're like I can't achieve anything yeah so you have to go like for a small goal and I love your working out idea because it's a small goal okay I'm gonna work out five days a week I've achieved that oh my goodness I did that and it's something so small is like taking just 30 minutes of your day you know yes I feel like if you if you just learn to push that aspect of your life it's going to be really easy to have the discipline for anything else and then you have the success that you can use to visualize future successes because sometimes it's hard to visualize success yeah if you've not had it yeah I think that's a first great step for anybody too I agree yeah it's just prioritizing yourself yeah I think in any aspect it's even journaling you know if you really wanted to to go into that right yeah that one kind of save me a little bit yeah do you Journal I have I've done it before but I don't anymore but I really do think that if I started again it would help me a lot I like that journaling book you got us the Gratitude Journal oh that was awesome they sell it at uh was it Urban Outfitters right and Barnes Noble yeah anywhere it's really cool I'll put a link to it yeah yeah down below you'll have a pop-up right now so um I think journaling is really important to me I like it because if I do it first thing in the morning and just like I there's different styles of journaling right I kind of like the morning Pages yeah Julia Cameron teaches and you just I just throw out whatever my thoughts are like I wrote about your Dove outside the other day yeah I'm just but it also helps me work through stuff and then I'm done with it like anything negative anything good I put on there and then it's done it's kind of out for the day just shut the book and you're done yeah it was pretty cool like you have like my favorite part about journaling is like you have a whole Archive of your past and what you went through in a certain day and how you're feeling in a certain day that's my favorite part it's like such a beautiful gift to yourself it's so I was I was an old journal from a few years ago and I'm like oh my goodness I've come so far and then I was like but you haven't in some areas yeah that's funny yeah sometimes it feels like cringy to watch let your old self go through something you're like I don't like that so continuing our theme of it starts with a thought let's talk about mistakes aren't failures oh yeah yeah I've talked about this one a lot yes this is I've learned a lot from you on this yeah they don't disqualify you and they don't what was the other one they're not your identity they're not your identity um I I think everybody goes through just making thinking or thinking like a mistake just defines who you are and if you mess up you're not capable and you don't deserve it and it's really not a loss like that it's not a like a failure it's a stepping stone it's a and and it's so hard to like see outside of it when you're actually in it because you think like I feel defeated like this was hard that I've had hope that it wouldn't go like this but when you see us and we're like I'm just closer to where I want to be now because I understand that this was a complete lesson for me to understand and put my foot on and move forward do you find sometimes when you make a mistake like that in the moment you're really disappointed but you find out a year later or down the road that it helped you yeah like it helped your growth in some other area yeah yeah 100 um it's interesting like I remember my first show oh afterward I got the weird most biggest embarrassment cringe shame after and you everybody thought it was awesome but I was like no my music sucked and it was like the first four songs I ever did I was just being bold and really like how old were you was that 19. oh it was it was good it truly was like I honestly wasn't expecting it to be that good because he's at that point he wasn't as much of an extrovert as he is now I thought he's going to get up on stage in front of all those people nerves all these people that care about me and care about what I'm doing and it was like I mean I think I did okay you know I mean like no you did you did really good well thank you well and it's so the second show I did it was like I just kind of got like thrown out the mix a little bit and I was at 145 in the middle of a club when nobody was there and it was just a disappointing situation so it was two things that felt like failures in a row that I felt like I couldn't do shows because I was like I'm gonna have to figure this out some other way and then when I did the one in Salt Lake like I was stoked because I actually feel like the crowd was moving I actually got to do crowd work I actually got to have these steps where I was like oh this is cool down your Rhythm this is awesome and it was nice having John on stage with me shout out John I love you but it was fun to to be a part of something and have actual support and people were actually liking it and talking to me like I could do it and I was capable of it I'm wondering if you were also more in the moment yeah oh yeah it yeah I was in the moment yeah so I think it's a course correction so I think what he mentioned in the book is when we make mistakes it's gonna happen everyone makes them nobody's perfect we're all imperfectly perfect right there's no no one comes out of the gate like we were talking about the baby it doesn't just start walking you're not just a Magic Singer off the rip you're not you can't you can't play a guitar without having any lessons like you're gonna suck at the beginning and that's okay exactly because that's how you get better right yeah how many reps do you tell me and yeah and that's that's how that's what stops everybody yes and that's where it stops everyone from even getting started on anything anything well it's all just Pride yeah yeah I mean most of these issues right yeah I can't be bad dishes I can't be bad at something right or what I struggle with that a lot or what or what I mean that's that's what I I try to tell myself because I think we all struggle with that like what if what if this isn't great what if I put this out there and it isn't great well what if we just did our best yeah what if we just did our best and learned and grew and went forward this is because every time we filmed this podcast yes like we really and it's the first one we're gonna put out and we care about and we'd got to see ourselves on camera for the first time talking it's not easy I was not I hated it we all were like no I'm excited to see our 100 after this I know right Harem yeah could it be a funny thing to laugh about in reality not many people are gonna see this once we get our in our Prime and I was telling you that yeah like like our first yeah I still want to put out something quality content yeah yeah so it would like each time like the camera was wrong the settings on the camera was wrong the the lighting was wrong there was a couch right here like always you know off and it was just seemed right off but I do feel confident about this one I'll tell you that I'm enjoying it yeah I think the first two I didn't even enjoy because I was actually thinking of what you were talking about in your performance I'm wondering if you even enjoyed them or if you were just like
oh yeah absolutely and I think that's important see we had mistakes and it wasn't a failure it was just a moment to step but we could have just quit unfortunately I'm gonna tell you after I saw the the outtakes of the first one I always said Dave what are we doing like what are we doing what am I doing I know and it was a little scary and I thought no we were called to this we have stuff that we've learned that people might find interesting and we have opinions that other people might find interesting yep and I want to hear from other people I want to learn and grow from them yeah 100 and it's only going to get better exactly only gonna get better so we're making mistakes failures a way that we can course correct right it's a way we can say okay that didn't work let's try this okay that worked good let's go here if you see any success in Life or any success I've ever had and there was never a straight line yeah it was never a straight line there were lots of mistakes made and I was thinking this morning about Dad and I and losing our business years ago and how that we still stepped out and we've done things and we've tried things but not like we used to yeah we were bold we were so bold we were so brave and I was reminding him of who we were and that's who we're supposed to be yeah that's who we're supposed to be it's hard so there's emotional ties to failure when there's an emotional type of failure it's hard to let go of it when you can practice and intentionally seeing your failures objectively as like okay move back on path yes and I think I think what we I didn't capture probably till even this morning was that's not who we are yeah that's not who we were created to be yeah we're both people yeah we take risks we have fun we live life we're adventurous in our opinion we're not living on the sideline yeah that's not who we were created to be no we don't want that no nobody really we're gonna go out there and make a bunch of mistakes yeah so there's gonna be beautiful fruit because of it exactly so um I know a practice that you do as well and I do is affirmations yeah yeah that was a big one for me when I was in that dark season of My Life um where I felt like the villain was
I've always thought it was kind of weird and that morning Pages or the morning routine book The Miracle morning um it was part of the practice in the morning and just like starting to do it you might want to explain to them what that means yeah yeah an affirmation is is no what so the miracle morning was a book that you read that was a series of um it was a it's kind of like a morning routine to get you going in your day to kind of reset your mind yeah yeah and so that's what we've been referencing a few times priming and kind of posturing your your self for the day um and and that was just like a stepping stone for me but affirmations is one of the steps um in that routine and man it was it was a big game changer um one thing that you tell me all the time is make sure you believe what you're actually saying to yourself so you can't say like I'm gonna I'm gonna be the richest person in the entire world in a year like I mean it could happen but like there has to be like some realism in it you have to believe it you have to believe that it can actually happen you know what I mean or it can be toxic it can be toxic to you and cause you issues if you don't believe it and you keep saying it to yourself yeah it can cause a more of a I'm a failure and can cause anxiety yeah and more issues yeah well you could say instead is like I am working to be more financially stable and I will have wealth in my life you know what I mean yes I guess that's it just an example I guess I think it's a great example instead of it's it's an achievable thing that you can work towards that you can say about yourself that's a positive because I mean this affirmations are the opposite of the negative self-talk we talked about early right the stuff that we load our head up with well this is this is how we negate that this is how we counteract negative self-talk we find some affirmations that we know to be true that we believe about ourselves and we say them when that comes in our head so we're always redirecting thoughts yep I think to truth to truth and the truth is is okay yes and we're fully capable we're humans right we have a success driven mechanism inside us yeah that we are reaching for goals God God created that in us and you know it's survival in some way right where we want to get through the day yeah I think um if you want a pro bonus tip say it in the mirror and bring your heart to the heart to the affirmations like look in the mirror and bring your emotions and your heart and really like feel it you know like work on feeling it and feeling the tangibleness and those affirmations that you're telling yourself
good for us to kind of think about hmm who am I what do I like about myself what do I want to grow Within Myself for me it's all career based I think especially now ever since I graduated I think I kind of hit a little bit of a weird spot where I'm just navigating what I want to do like I changed my mind like 10 times something decisive I think for me affirmations are mostly just like I'm gonna get whatever I worked for you know I'll help you you are very creative you're very smart you are so funny you make people laugh so it could be I mean if you building one I'm a smart girl who achieves her goals who is driven by creativity and I succeed at everything I do oh that's a good one that is a good one yeah I think a good base level one too for self-image is I'm a human that is capable yes oh I that is good I'm a human that is capable capable of X and I'm capable of growing I'm capable of learning so I made a mistake it's not who I am I'm capable of learning and growing I'm capable of whatever I'm capable of winning a Grammy yes yeah you are yeah I think that's awesome I'm sorry for putting you on this that's so much more positive than saying how you said earlier I'm like Rich I'm gonna be rich in a year like the richest person you know yeah reminding yourself your capabilities is I feel like is way more motivating and important and builds discipline and yeah yeah good and I think it's the importance of that right like those things are more important than I mean I think people generally think money will solve everything yeah I've had lots of money I've had little money yeah sometimes the littlest of the money we were the happiest maybe not your dad
that's funny so um I guess we need to talk okay so we've got some strategies we talked about mistakes not failures visualization using visualization to um create successes affirmations to see who you truly really are um and we're going to talk about dehypnotization and deprogramming a little bit we already kind of talk about that false belief system and this is kind of in line with um all of the other subjects as well I think when we find that lie we have to replace it with truth so let's say you feel like you're not worthy because you're not worthy of being loved because maybe your mom didn't love you or your dad didn't love you or your dad abandoned you or I I mean there's a hundred different ways this can happen right or maybe you had a workaholic for a parent or an alcoholic there's tons of ways to feel unworthy and unlovable right absolutely so is it true is it true that you're unworthy and unlovable so if I were to tell you I'm not worthy of love what would you say Nicole I'll tell you that's wrong that's a lie right freaking nonsense it's a lie so we have to replace it with truth so deprogramming and de-hypnotizing because the world hypnotizes us with all kinds of Lies yeah and we touched on that a little bit with um social media yeah um but the world is telling us a lot of lies like you need to look like this and have this and be this and then you'll be perfect yep and it's a lie it's a lot you need to be you you need to be who you were created to be you need to live for the purpose you were given you need to you utilize your skills talents and abilities you know that's that's what I tell myself I think it's kind of nice to have like an accountable person to like talk to so like for you like when you have self like negative self-talk like I call you out on it you call me out on it and then we all do that together yeah and we all kind of help each other identify those moments right it is nice and I have to tell you like okay so it's my weight issue that you can help me with a lot um so I will say I used to say things because I don't say them anymore like I'm self-ad in this I'm self-ad in this and you really correct my behavior on that and I'm like okay like if I Believe In The Power of Words If I keep saying this even if I'm not I'm gonna be like if you created it's a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah and it's strange like how many things like you are where you are because of how you think about yourself really I mean in in oh a man's heart thing is yeah you are you are exactly where you are for a reason you know what's your thoughts yeah it's your thoughts you have put yourself here because of yourself so I think that I forgot I was going my bad I just interrupted no I interrupted you but I I like where you were going with that because it is the power of your thoughts that tell you who you are yeah tell you what your self-image is oh so you get so used to to that right it used to have a having a problem so there's obviously one that like for you it was like your weight right once you accomplish that and and feel like like get to a point where you're like beating it it's so surprising how many little things I tell myself that I was like oh why I say that to myself yeah oh that's a weird oh I didn't even think about how that could be impacting myself and like programming much you don't even notice you don't know really that's the dangerous thing so I think it like we were talking about the Habit it becomes this on a subconscious level yeah because it's such a part it becomes part it became part of my identity I struggle with my weight that was part of my identity I will never say that again yep I do not I'm healthy I work out I like this is my affirmation I like to eat nutrient dense foods yeah I mean there's an affirmation for everything right yeah there's it's a reframing so I just that was part of the dehypnotizing deprogramming okay so you take this lie and then you turn it into a truth yeah and it's and I do like nutrient dense foods so but I want to fill my body with those yeah so it's an easy thing for me to say yeah redirecting is key and hard to do alone it is when it's so ingrained in your identity yeah it is you know the easy things to change I notice are the the things that weren't part of me since my childhood I noticed that those things have been easier to deal with and and fix if you don't have a friend to be accountable for pay for one yeah we call them counselors
um pay for your best friend but do yeah do I think that's Wise Wise because I mean we all want happiness and success and you need to feel good about yourself yeah that's the Cornerstone of the whole thing yeah so thinking rationally and we keep talking about this everything starts with a thought and one of the things that I found I used to do is I would dwell on the past like if there's a couple people in my life that maybe trigger me or have hurt me if they mess up again I'll use your dad because he doesn't do this anymore how's that some of the things your dad would do would like trigger me and then I would recount every horrible thing that has ever happened in our marriage and go it's interesting here we are again so that's so weird so when I dwell in the past I remember there was a time when I was working at the restaurant and I didn't like my behavior and I didn't like what the things I said and I feel like I hurt somebody's feelings and I was acting inappropriately I would my dwelling in the past was like shameful like it was like oh I don't like myself yeah like that happened whatever that that bad feeling is right that's holding you back from feeling good about yourself which that's a bad feeling that doesn't make you feel good about yourself yeah right the thing dad would say
or do that would remind me of who we used to be made me not feel good about myself yeah it made me feel like oh we're going back here oh and we're going back here and I can't do it huh I can't I can't be who you required me to be I get to have an opinion yeah I get to do and here he's totally fine with that like I don't want to say your dad is not that he's just not that guy he never was I thought he was I created a person that wasn't even there so interesting it is it's really messed up so one of these are you aware of it we did one of the strategies in this book is to think rationally yeah and that was irrational right and dwelling on the past or on these things like I'm I'm gonna use a really tough example right now I was just listening to a podcast of a cult member and she was sexually abused and the podcast that the person hosting the podcast said something to the fact that she had a friend who was abused and was told don't dwell on it like don't think about it it's not who you are that was a bad guy that was a bad thing that happened but don't think about it so the friend interestingly enough and I'm not saying this is not this is not my soapbox this is just something that somebody said that made sense with this conversation that it didn't affect her in such a big way because it wasn't her fault well she was able to compartmentalize it and she didn't live there she wasn't living in that space yeah and I wonder what the line is though with actually processing what happened exactly yeah so I I think oh truth right yeah truth we have to process what happens we have to reflect on what happens and I'm not saying in that case you know women
but I am saying it was an interesting thought because because those things have happened to most women right and was it one and three yes I I don't know anyone that hasn't been abused sexually in some way raped molested some kind of sexual abuse I do not know a woman um probably that hasn't had that happen it's truly just good so you have to think about it I've had it happen and you think about okay I can dwell here with it and think about it and be a victim of it my entire life that makes sense yeah or I can process it yeah and deal with it but I think when you go back and you're thinking about it and living there all the time yeah then it's like you can't help it have some thoughts come up in that situation like what did I do and this is not truth this is not truth this is one of those lies we start to believe what did I do to create this situation yeah yeah I did this why did I do that like and in this was a very young age and when I did go to therapy who I did I went to EMDR which I highly recommend from anyone who's had any kind of trauma yeah and she helped me frame that and she said would you tell a 12 year old girl she was responsible for that absolutely for getting into that car absolutely would you blame a 12 year old for not knowing better. Interesting of course you wouldn't yeah I mean it sounds insane but do you hear the think rationally yeah and then I was able to move on from that because I saw the truth yeah so it's interesting like thinking rationally is taking your emotions out of it yes and stepping outside of it yeah it is that's interesting that's a good that's a good perspective thank you that was a really good way to say it I'm glad I was here to uh show you the irrational side of it so you could think through that you're welcome yeah but anyway so so the quote here that I wrote down from the book that really um helped me and you know I'm gonna say this here's my soapbox that was probably a really poor example for this I was actually thinking of um something else when I was talking about we were going to talk about this that I experienced something in my past um that wasn't quite I wasn't actually gonna bring that up um but it was when it was something that wasn't quite that graphic but it comes up a lot for me yeah and it's a person who's currently in my life so I can't say what it is yeah but I dwell on it because it still hurts me right but um not as much as I used to but what I've done is I found compassion for that person I found ways to love that person and when I redirect the thought I go okay so this person doesn't know better this person does not know better they really don't this person is trying their best in life truly truly not and those aren't platitudes okay because sometimes we say oh they do the best they can and that's not true this person truly is they seek help they walk they do the work and they're not the same person that they are but somehow I still get triggered on occasion and pretend like they're that same person because the thing that happens so I have to go through this whole redirection of thoughts and be rational okay who is this person now who am I now we are not the same people we were we are two different people we are both growing we love each other that's not your dad I should I would just tell you if it was your dad I've said skin 40 times this past year yeah you know what I mean like who had to tell you who you are exactly and who am I to say who that person is yeah yeah so I have to go through that whole deal from being irrational to rational because the irrational thing is we're not in the trauma we were years ago we're not there we've both grown from it and the quote that I got from the book that I wanted to that made me think of this was the unhappiest humans are living in the past digging it up dwelling on it and ruminating in it facts yeah we spend too much time sometimes living in the pain of the past instead of enjoying life present and I think not dwelling on it but dealing with it please always deal with your trauma always huge fan of amdr huge fan many good results yes um yes it's been life-changing for many people in our family so praise God Amen all right so we need to also examine and track down our beliefs which is part of what we were just saying of processing this information and do it with a counselor if you need one please but sometimes it's not that big of a deal you can kind of track down the belief you're like why do I think this and you can kind of go back where did I get that idea yeah like I I went to college I was a young mom I had a baby when I was 19 your brother and I just became a crazy person and had to get perfect grades because some teachers counselors said I wasn't College material so then I went I don't know you just turned into like a crazy person yeah but you had I trace like why am I acting like this why why am I putting so much weight on this average of school at a community college you know what I mean and it was you can trace back to where it started and it was like oh from that well is that truth I mean we're am I accepting a truth from somebody who's seen me a few horrible points on my life or am I gonna accept the truth from who I know about me I know my whole story I know who I am I know what I'm capable of God knows who I am or some person who's just seen the worst of me so I just did a real like be hesitant to accept um or was it be hesitant um or to accept information from unknowledgeable people yes like at like if I didn't know you you it's not good for you to take my opinion on you right right if or if you've only seen the bad yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah a knowledge yeah be hesitant to accept a knowledgeable because you only go to a counselor in high school if you're behaving badly yeah
yeah probably never even knew your high school counselor yeah DG either of you I did actually yeah I do yeah so if we track down the belief um I like this practice of asking why and Tony Robbins taught this this was also in the book but he taught it ask seven layers deep on any belief system that you have ask why why do you believe that why why why and just keep going and eventually you get to the core of it yeah and then the next question that in this book on tracking down that belief when you identify a negative behavior let me just give you an example let's say you have this negative behavior belief system that nobody likes you or I can't succeed or you keep quitting when you're about to succeed and you're just trying to figure out why is this not working that you start to you have to just track down the why and then the next question is there a rational belief for me to believe this like Okay so let's use our podcast the first two as an example I mean there might have been a rational belief that maybe we should hang it up yeah yeah there was there was some messes it's okay we learned a lot we did we learned a lot there might have been a rational belief or that yeah but this one wow this is fire yeah I know I agree so but could you be mistaken in that belief okay so our mistake would have been had we just quit right then would be like well let's let's try it enough to see if it's true right or is it true that nobody could love you is that really true yeah you really in this whole world of what do we have seven eight billion I don't know where we're at people there's truly nobody that could love you eight billion yeah it's crazy I'd find that hard to believe yeah right so you might be mistaken if that's your belief system especially when loving choosing to love somebody's a little more subjective exactly and then would you draw the same conclusion if it was about somebody else it's kind of like when I asked you would you I can't even remember what I asked you earlier but you know what I'm saying yeah would you draw that conclusion if it was about someone else like oh like let's use my 12 year old example would I draw that conclusion if it was about my 12 year old niece yep yeah now I'd be ready to step outside the box yeah are you ready to go find anyway what's up so and then the last question in the book when you're examining your beliefs is why should you continue to feel as if the initial thought is true when there's no good reason to believe it and I really like that line of questioning to go through their if it's a good friend maybe you can't afford a counselor maybe you don't have a best friend yeah go through those read the book yeah you know some of the chapters I have read multiple times because they're so good so think rationally let sleeping dogs lie let things that don't matter let them lie let them go greed choose to be happy don't live in that pain don't dwell don't ruminate and track down your beliefs that because that was a long topic I thought I'd reiterate it good happiness have it this is what I love so Tyler you've done a lot of work in this area and I am so happy for you and it's called the happiness habit right you've done a lot of airing this work to improve your self-image and I have to tell you as a mother there's nothing well there's a few things but it's one of the top three things that I'm so thankful for that you actively seek happiness because it's hard world out there yeah and when your kids aren't happy it's painful it's painful painful painful and you have to want it and thank you for wanting it yeah and going after it yeah and it's so rewarding to want it you know what I mean oh man the amount of peace that you get from wanting it you know and I didn't want it for a long time so Abraham Lincoln he has this cool quote what is it um let me read it to you most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be and it's just like man happiness is really a decision at the end of the day it takes effort yeah uh things don't determine our happiness we determine our happiness we get to choose the Silver Lining we get to have the choice to see something even if it's bad you can see positive in anything right um and sometimes we go through real hard stuff and it feels impossible to be happy but to find something happy in it yeah yeah when when you can you can look down at the layers this isn't something that's going to build me up right well I think sometimes when we're unhappy in a situation like if I think about my own life it's because of a thought that I perceive of something that is going to happen or an opinion that I made up that isn't even true yeah you know it's interesting um so like with those failure mechanisms that I talked about um we obviously like have those defense mechanisms that we react with right we think that those are going to bring us to happiness but they never do and it really is just up to you you know because we want to be sometimes we feel like it's righteous to be angry in that situation right yeah yeah until you realize you're just self-inflicting damage yes or to be in an unforgiving State of Mind when somebody has hurt us it's like they don't deserve the Forgiveness but guess what yeah it's us we're hurting and so we can choose to learn to forgive somebody yeah or we can choose to learn to be happy yeah and it's not easy always to do that you have to make it a habit so a habit is something that we do routinely automatically like and a lot of our moods behaviors actions are automatic habits so the cool thing is like they can be changed you know I mean and it can be changed through the intentional mindfulness of choosing to be happy over time and and being in moments that aren't great but you still choose happiness and you you make that the center you know what I mean and um I know that there's like a personal experience of mine where I kind of kind of you know light went on in my head you know what I mean and I was out and I just wasn't happy about being out was this certain group of friends and like I loved them but it was just I was just struggling to be like present there because I felt like I was being in the past if I can't like control my how like this Dynamic that's happening here I know that I can control where my mind goes and it there's music playing in the background and I know that and that's my piece you know I mean I love music I can go to that with peace and make that my happy space in my head for that moment when I have big forms of anxiety and I'm not involved in the situation that's happening you know you were uncomfortable and felt anxiety and you could have dwelt on that but you chose to find something external in that situation to make you happy to search for happiness yeah and and like a happy place in general like searching for a happy place so maybe I'm having a bad day at home I'm alone I can go to outside and go chill in the pool and go to my favorite place in the pool over there on the floaty right I can go hang out and just relax and connect with God and and choose a happy place for myself you know what I mean yes I mean you love looking up at that big Arizona blue sky dude it's cold with the trees [Music] like coming over you're like oh this is a blessing it is God you're such a so-off that's so cool that is so cool I know that with like happiness something that brings me a lot of Happiness having worthwhile goals and I think it's super important in building your self-image as well to have worthwhile goals because you're working towards achieving something you're going to achieve it at some point I agree and it builds your self-image because you understand how capable you are I know that before I had music in my life or real clear objectives about what I was doing with my self and my time I was so unhappy and I'd so lost and so like empty you know I mean because I can express myself creatively I couldn't just be useful you know what I mean and I couldn't to myself even yeah and and and that just alone was like okay I'm not capable and I'm not worthy of having something like this until I found it and I was like oh why haven't I been doing this my whole life well then I start sooner yes right yeah you take the little successes and it leads you to the bigger goals yeah and I I just look at you and all you've accomplished with school and your future goals like just graduating from college that's a huge accomplishment yeah yeah it's hard honestly thank you yes but doesn't it feel like you can do anything now yeah it does because you're considering law school and but you know you can do that yeah you know I do because you did this goal had you you know only made it through Community College like me like me and then go to that second level right yeah but you did and you went to the next level and now you're just contemplating where you want to be yeah my next step yeah yeah but do you have more confidence because of where where you're going next do you think because you completed that huge yes I do yeah that's what it is I just have a good foundation I guess it's a big deal it is congratulations thank you yeah well thank you for joining us today in our discussion about self-amage I just want to leave this with you two as well and you it's like just be who you were created to be yeah you know you were created with a unique DNA design your creator thought of you lovingly when he put in you your scan skills talents and abilities that are unique to you and you out there and you're Perfectly Imperfect you're exactly where you're supposed to be in life right now today you have worth right now today two days you have worth exactly and we're capable
We can do anything just by being human. Really anything and exactly anything and We all have success driven mechanism in us because we're breathing and alive and we found food today. thanks so if you don't have a success to start with just start with that success you got fed today right I got fed today yeah um I think Embrace who you are love who you are find out who you are and when doubts and securities come up try remember maybe some of the tools we gave you today the visualization the affirmations the negative self-talk remove it stop comparing yourself to anybody else you were perfectly made the way you are we don't need another one of those people we need you right the world needs you just the way you are build your mindfulness oh that's a big one build your mindfulness practice self-compassion yeah forgive yourself in general yeah yes when you make a mistake forgive yourself and move forward it's like quickly the right course correct and move forward Forge ahead I think when we don't make that course correction we can't be who we were designed to be yeah you can't and I was just realizing even with your father and I and we've done so much since then we aren't fully being who we were designed to be because we haven't fully course corrected from the pain of losing everything mm-hmm so you know we we act a little inappropriately and we act a little too safe sometimes now and I think um God is calling us to more boldness but anyway so I just want to thank everyone for joining us today thank you Nicole thank you Tyler for sharing your stories your perspectives um I know they're going to help other people they help me and thank you listeners for joining us and I want you to like And subscribe if you would yeah it helps us and it helps you hopefully in return because this content will bring more content but in addition to that other people who might need to see this will so thank you for joining us and we're going to be back soon with our discussion on boundaries and as you could tell probably from this discussion that's something I've had to develop so I have we have quite an Arsenal here of somebody who hasn't grown up with boundaries and you grew up with a boundaryless mother
So we have learned a lot oh yeah about what boundaries are how to create them and how to enforce them and how to enforce them when it's difficult with like a mom with an aging mom with your boss with your girlfriend with your boyfriend oh yeah um so we're going to discuss all of that coming up soon so look forward to seeing you and please add your comments below because this isn't just our platform :ike we say we want to hear from you if you have tip strategies Adam we want to learn from you as well and thanks so much help us help you help us help you yeah help it and help us and help us thank you guys thank you