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Hi, friend! I'll keep this short and sweet, because ADHD!
Whether you're newly diagnosed or have known for a century, Outsmart ADHD is the podcast for you. Join me and my guests as we explore the latest research, share personal stories, and provide actionable advice to help you live your best life with ADHD.
Welcome to the Outsmart, A DHD podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Catino, board certified occupational therapist. Two-time Ted Speaker, A DHD coach, A DHD, advocate and Reality Show, contestant. Now let's talk about A DH. D.
Hello, gorgeous humans and welcome to today's podcast. I am super excited about what I'm gonna talk about today as I always am because I always talk, only talk about things that are important to me and are important to you, and that I have worked through myself and or with my clients. And today we're gonna talk about how to create a division of labor in your house so that you are less.
Frustrated with how things are getting done. Before we jump into that, I wanna remind you that in the show notes of this podcast, there is a free on-demand webinar for burnt out A DHD Humans called Before You Rage quit your job. Try this. It's free. It's on demand. It's waiting for you in the show notes.
Also in the show notes, if you are curious about my one-on-one A DHD coaching for perfectionistic, overachieving, burnt out ADHDers, you can schedule a free consult for my one-on-one coaching in the show notes. Okay, now to talk about today's episode, once upon a time I. Okay. My partner and I would get incredibly frustrated with each other about how things were getting done in the house, in the home.
We both had this idea that the other person is not doing their fair share, and it was incredibly frustrating. There was a lot of assumptions being made on both ends. There were things that were not getting done. There were things that were getting done that the other person wasn't recognizing. There was a, it was a bit of a cluster fuck as far as the division of labor.
Fast forward to today, we are both incredibly. Aware of what our roles are in the house and which household chores and duties are ours to do, and there isn't conversation that has to be had about it unless we are feeling exhausted, burnt out, and just needing a little bit of support from the other person, which typically we just pick up on in general, and we can help fill in the slack of the other person.
But for the most part. This is a non-issue. So if this is an issue in your house, in your relationship, if you have children that are old enough to be doing chores, but it's not happening, if you're feeling like you are the only person doing a motherfucking thing in your home, this episode is for you.
Now, let's talk about. What a division of labor is, it is simply you are going to do X things. Somebody else is going to do X things. This other person is going to do X things, and that is on your roster of chores or tasks that you need to do on whether it's a daily, weekly, biweekly, monthly basis.
So let's talk about the issues that happen when it's not verbalized of who needs to be doing what. This is probably gonna feel very familiar to you if you've not had like a formal talk sit down about who's doing what in the home, which. A lot of people avoid because of fear of rejection from their partner, from their kids feeling like they're the only person who can do things right, or they're the only person that's gonna follow through.
So why even waste my breath? But we're gonna talk about all of that. So here is what happens when this conversation does not happen. There are a lot of assumptions that are made. I wanna dive a little bit deeper into the assumptions that were made between my partner and I. We both felt like the other person doesn't care.
The other person doesn't care. They clearly, they cl. Clearly know what needs to happen. They are not seeing the effort that I am putting in, so therefore they don't care. They know that I am exhausted, but they couldn't give two shits about it, and it leads to feeling incredibly unappreciated. I can almost guarantee that unless you have had this conversation where there is a mutual agreement upon the division of labor, this is likely how you and your partner are feeling.
I know it is hard to believe that your partner may also be. Be feeling like this, but the thing is when a conversation is not had you fill in the answers to their questions or the questions that you have for them, and that's gonna come with your own skewed perception because of how you are feeling.
It's very likely. That they are feeling the exact same way. Now, I'm gonna make the assumption that you are in a relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you and wants to be in partnership with you. This may not be correct if you are not in that scenario, but what I will also say. Is that sometimes it can feel like you are in partnership with someone who is not in this scenario, when literally the main thing that has to happen is to have this vulnerable conversation and that wasn't the problem the entire time.
The problem was just verbalizing it and coming to this agreement together.
Because until a conversation is had, you are going to make assumptions of what a partnership looks like, which includes what the division of labor is. So another thing that happens is every person in the equation feels like they are doing the most. I know this is how both my partner and I felt for a very long time, and.
It is interesting because after the division of labor was made, things happened. Cons, more consistently. Things have flowed, flowed, smoother, smoothly, and conversation doesn't need to be had about it, which takes up a lot less mental space than thinking, oh, are they gonna do it or am I gonna have to do it?
Okay, so here are some things set aside or to think about, consider. When you're dividing up the labor in your house, one capacity. If one person's burnt out, the other person might have to do more and vice versa. When I have periods, especially I am, I feel like I have come out of the period of burnout that I had for quite a few months as I was healing my nervous system and whatnot.
And to be so honest, Joe did a lot of things for me. Even the chores that we had previously agreed that I'd be doing, he was doing, because I didn't have the capacity outside of just being the best coach I could to my clients. After that, I had to really focus on my own trauma healing and also my own capacity, revamping my business, a lot of things, and he picked up the slack.
So this is something that has to be considered when creating a division of labor. Another thing to consider is what resources do you have to outsource? This might be a thing where you're both working a full-time job and the best thing to do is to maybe hire a cleaner or do one of the programs where I know there's an app where, at least in the United States where.
They will come and pick up your laundry on your doorstep, wash it, fold it, and deliver it for a dollar a pound. And that might be the best option for you. So another thing to consider is what resources do you have to outsource, or what resources do you have to buy? Things to make. Those chores easier.
I personally hate cleaning the bathrooms. It is one of my jobs, and we're gonna get into why it is one of my jobs in a little bit, but I just ordered a, an electric toilet bowl cleaner. The brush thing that cleans your toilet? I didn't know they make electric versions of that. And I also ordered this like long handled.
Scrubber thingy for the tub because I also hate scrubbing the tubs out, and I can imagine it's gonna make my life a whole lot easier. But I had this thought of, okay, if we're not gonna hire out a cleaner, then I at least wanna make my life easier when I do clean the bathrooms. So what resources do you have to outsource or to make that job easier?
Three. Scheduling logistics. Four. My partner, he works from home and I also work from home. But it makes sense for him to just do the laundry while he is clocked in. If you work from home, utilize working on your chores while you're on the clock, why wouldn't you? You're likely already incredibly efficient and spending some time scrolling on your phone, which is necessary sometimes for your mental health, and it decompress, but.
If you can let the company pay you for getting your stuff done. So scheduling logistics can be a thing when it comes to who's doing what, chores. Number four, another thing to consider is who hates that chore the least Now.
I genuinely hate cooking because it requires creativity. It requires the, just the extra planning of what do we have and what can I make out of it. Whereas my partner enjoys the art of making new things. I genuinely can't stand it. I would rather be the person that does the dishes every single time versus being the one that cooks the meals.
So that is how our division of labor goes. As far as who cooks and who cleans, I am so happy to clean if he will make me food. Who hates the chores the least is something to consider. Number five. To consider, do you do better with consistent chores or chores that are weekly, biweekly, monthly, et cetera?
Joe and I were looking at who is going to be doing the cleaning, the clothes versus the bathrooms. We looked at it, the division of labor of, okay, which tasks take how much energy?
What is a comparable task to it? So we came down to bathrooms and washing the clothes, and I genuinely despise. Cleaning the bathrooms. I hate it. We have three bathrooms and I do not enjoy cleaning shit out of toilets to be so incredibly honest with you. So we tried the other way because I was getting sick of having to clean the bathrooms more often than I felt like they needed to be cleaned.
Like the idea of it being weekly or even biweekly sometimes I'm like, listen, this is way too much. This is ridiculous. This is excessive. How about I do the laundry and you can clean these motherfucking bathrooms? 'cause if it was up to me, we'd just be hiring that shit out. So we switched for a week and what happened was I found out how challenging it was to remember to have clean clothes.
Ready. I'm not even talking about really fold and put away. The main thing is are there clean clothes to wear? That was a challenge for me versus if I went longer without cleaning the bathrooms. Sure they're a little bit more gross, but nothing terrible happens. You can still use the bathroom even if it's a little gross.
What happened for Joe, my partner, is that he found out how much it sucks cleaning the bathrooms and. Suddenly it was not that big of a deal to go even three or four weeks between cleaning bathrooms, as long as he wasn't the one that had to do it. So I found that it was actually less of a pain in the ass for me to clean the bathrooms every three to four weeks as long as he was the one that was keeping up on laundry, which was easy for him to do while he was doing his remote job.
Even though I work remotely, I work for myself. So it's not like I'm getting paid off of the clock to be doing things. So that was something that we had to try and we had to have our little come to Jesus moment together of, Hey, how about you try this? And that's something that you are going to have to try, that you might wanna try with your partner.
They might have expectations of you that are just unrealistic and vice versa. It might take trading some chores to see who hates what less. We're not gonna have a conversation about weaponized incompetence because if you are an adults and you don't know how to run a dishwasher. Or how to clean the bathrooms or how to clean your clothes.
Then go on fucking YouTube and figure it out. We're not giving excuses for weaponize incompetence. Okay? We're not gonna accept that. I don't know how the motherfucker, you're gonna learn how go on YouTube or I'll show you once and now, okay. So we're not gonna get into a conversation about that.
I'm gonna assume that every person listening to this is an adult who is in. Relationship with an adult who knows how to do these things, or can be shown once and then know how to do it well. Okay,
so it's gonna take some trial and error, but I highly recommend to be so honest with you, writing out all of the different tasks that have to be done for the house. And I am talking about the physical labor and the invisible layer, or. Labor, which is point number six, is to also talk about the invisible labor, like phone calls and bills.
This is something that. My partner and I have also discussed of who is going to do what when it comes to paying bills on time. Guess what? His flavor of A DHD doesn't make that quite so damn hard as mine does, but I have an easier time calling and making phone calls for things or setting appointments and whatnot.
So we are happy to divide the labor in that way. If you are preparing for this conversation with your partner about how to divide the labor or with your children who are old enough to do chores, I highly recommend writing a list of every single chore that needs to get done. I'm talking about cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, maybe making the grocery list, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning up the dog, poop, doing mowing the grass, making phone calls.
Paying the bills, grooming the dogs, taking the kids to sporting events or lessons or whatnot. All of the things that have to be done to keep a house going, this list is going to be different from person to person. Hours is probably a little bit smaller than some people's because it's just the two of us.
And we don't have kids to worry about, though we do have little fur children, but make a list of every single thing that needs to be done in the house. Now from there, I recommend having a conversation about which tasks are comparable and have a conversation with each other about where is your capacity, because here's the thing that happens a lot.
A lot of times, especially as those who are women or those who are socialized as women often end up. Taking on the invisible labor, but also taking on the physical labor of running a household, even if they are also working another job. This is gonna cause a lot of frustration. It can cause burnout because guess what?
One person is not meant to be doing the job of three people as, especially if you're also doing half or all of the burden of the caregiving. Caregiving is another thing that needs to go on this list. As you're making this list, take out the assumption of gender roles. Take out the assumption of gender roles, and I hope you're with a partner who is willing to do the same, because if not, that is an issue for another day.
But take out the idea of gender roles and who needs to be doing what. When you look at the, especially in my house of who was doing what. Joe is doing the cleaning and I am do, or Joe's doing the cooking and I'm doing the cleaning. Whereas in a typical gender role, maybe I'd be doing the cooking. I also am not the one to be making the grocery list.
I am simply the person at Costco with him who is getting the samples for us, and I'm there along for the ride unless there's things that I forgot to put on the list that I want myself. But as far as even preparing the list of what we're gonna buy, that's his job.
So go into this without any expectations of what each other has the capacity for, or what each gender role needs to be doing if you are in a hetero couple I and also
write down all of the different tasks that have to do with caregiving because those. Are a lot of labor and needs to be recognized as so. so to recap, when you are deciding the division of labor, not when you're deciding, when you're collaboratively designing, who is going to be doing what, look at each other's capacity and ask each other, what do you feel? You have the capability to do and be honest yourself as well. This is the thing, take responsibility for how exhausted you are.
And I say this by meaning voice it. Voice it. The only way your partner is gonna know that this is too much for you is if you voice it. I know it is scary, but it is necessary and in an ongoing, loving partnership, this continued communication is incredibly needed. Okay? And when you can, or if you have the capacity and your partner doesn't pick up for each other's slack and vice versa, depending on how they're feeling and what the week looks like.
Two, look at what resources you have to outsource or make it easier for you overall. Three, look at scheduling logistics.
What seems more doable for what person? Four. This kind of ties into it, but look at the chores and who hates that chore less. This might take some trial and error to actually see what you hate less. Number five, if you do better with consistent chores or chores that are weekly, biweekly, monthly, plan accordingly.
If you're someone that's like me that is gonna have a hard time having the clothes clean every single week, then maybe your job is better off as outsourcing it or being the one that cleans the shitty toilets. And number six, also talk about the invisible labor like phone calls and bills. Those things are incredibly important and oftentimes not recognized, especially those who are women in relationships.
And lastly, I highly recommend to write down every single chore that needs to be done to keep a household running and have bring it to the honest conversation. Go into the conversation with honesty, with compassion for yourself, and compassion for your partner, assuming that your partner is a loving person that wants to be in a healthy relationship with you.
I'm assuming that as I'm talking to you, if you are in a relationship with someone who's a shitty person, then. Scrap this entire episode and seek a divorce lawyer. When I told my partner about the idea for this episode I mentioned that little caveat to him. He is like, yeah, let them know that LegalZoom does divorces.
And I'm like, how do you know this information? Probably saw it on an ad or whatnot 'cause we use legal Zoom for our business. Anyway, I hope this was helpful to you. I hope that this helps you to run your household in a way that is less stressful, that takes less. Executive functioning and planning just to run the day-to-day shit because it's really hard to do the fun shit that you wanna do when you have things like, how am I going to feed myself running in the background of your mind?
I now, as a reminder in the show notes of this podcast, you can find the on-demand webinar called Before You Rage, quit Your Job. Try This. It is meant for. Perfectionists and overachievers who are burnt out and ready to put their middle finger up and walk out of their job. Before you do that, try this. The webinar is on demand.
It is free. It's in the show notes. And also if you are interested in one-on-one A DHD coaching with myself, I am an occupational therapist, turned a DHD coach, and I am excited to help you function in every single. Area of your life, including your relationships, just your relationship with yourself, with your partners.
I wanna help you professionally. I wanna help you to be able to get things done at home so that you have more time to just watch Netflix and live your life. You are welcome to schedule a free consult with me regarding a DHD coaching one-on-one in the show notes. And lastly, can you do me a giant favor and leave a five star?
Rating and review on Apple podcasts. It's a kind thing to do for other people because the more rates or the more reviews that there are, the more likely it is to come up on other people's recommended podcasts where they will get information for free that they may have not have found otherwise.
And it helps me to keep the podcast going. I will personally thank every single person who leaves a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It's been a few weeks, so you haven't heard any, but I'm really looking forward to you guys helping me out with that. Okay, my friends. Until next time. Bye now.
Are you high achieving with a DHD looking for a coach or maybe an event coordinator looking for a wildly captivating speaker? Perfect. Go to outsmart adhd.co. That's out. Smart adh adhd.co to get in touch. And before I forget, would you mind taking a minute to share this podcast with someone you love?
It would mean the world to me. Thanks, my friend. Until next time.