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Decoded Genius distills decades of mastery from the top 0.0001% in every field. From health and longevity to business, AI, and psychology, each episode helps ambitious people shortcut the learning curve and level up their health, wealth, and happiness.
Main problem that men have is
they think that women mean what women say.
Men don't necessarily need money
to attract women.
If you give women more money,
they don't want men as much.
Relationships are active.
And if that doesn't happen,
we don't have a relationship.
And Tara is a psychologist, challenging
everything men believe about women.
With over a million followers in multiple
books, he's one of the most recognized
relationship
psychologists on the internet.
Does monogamy still make sense then?
People are on a spectrum with respect
to this, it's probably more important
to be that woman's first love
than to be her first sexual experience.
Everyone, whether they're single
or married, within five years,
their strongest intra
sexual competition will be in AI.
what does it mean to be a man in 2026?
Like, what role does the man play today
in society or in relationships?
in relationships?
Well, it's very confusing, right?
Because the old standards
for traditional gender roles
have been completely demolished,
and there are still
some subgroups of folks who want to go
back to the way things were.
And that can work
if both people are on board.
But pretty much men and women
are in a process of kind of
figuring it out
with each individual person
that they happen to get into relationships
with, which is basically
like reinventing the wheel
every time you start dating somebody.
This is why it can be very frustrating.
It can be very confusing.
There are a lot of assumptions
that are still being made.
And when people come up against
something in
reality and their assumptions happen
to be different, that thing in reality
reveals those assumptions and then that
has to be navigated and worked through.
I mean, say what you want about
traditional gender roles, but at least
they kind of clarified
what people were supposed to do.
And so the assumptions
were more or less on the same page.
So there were fewer points of conflict
with reality.
What's your belief on toxic masculinity?
I think the only real toxic masculinity
is the absence of masculinity.
When you talk about
when when a lot of commentators
and most of them are women
talk about toxic masculinity,
they talk about stoicism,
they talk about emotional suppression.
They talk about kind of a matches
Mo that won't allow men to feel,
or at least to express that emotion.
And what they seem to prefer is
a man who's softer,
who's kinder, who's gentler, who's more in
touch with his emotions
and whether they're aware of it or not.
They're describing traditional femininity.
They're basically saying
that the best part of masculinity
are the parts
that they recognize as feminine.
I think that the only real toxic
masculinity is the absence of masculinity.
And we see that when very clearly
in the statistics around, let's say,
the outcomes associated with being raised
by single mothers when there is no strong
male role model present in children's
lives, the outcomes are much poorer.
They're much more likely
to not graduate high school or college,
or to have mental illness,
or to fall into crime.
So I do think that masculinity
is something that kind of grounds
and provides and is firm and strong.
I don't think there's anything wrong
with that.
I do think that in general
there is a trend, especially in modern
like therapeutic culture,
to mystify
female preferences for relationships
as the healthy or right way
to have relationships.
And I don't think that that's true.
what is the healthy
and right way to have a relationship then?
I don't think there's one right way,
but if you examine
what the therapeutic institution says is,
this is what you're supposed to do.
It definitely genders
in a female direction.
I mean, what's the advice
you hear all the time?
Well,
you should be more emotionally available.
You should talk things out.
It's we should all do therapy.
We should figure out our attachment styles
and our Myers-Briggs.
All of that stuff is important,
but it seems to be something
that is a more as a language
that more women understand,
and men are increasingly
being left out of that dialog.
We know that 85% of clinicians are women,
just like women
will likely feel more comfortable
talking to other women
about some of their issues.
Men are absolutely more comfortable
talking to other men about their issues,
but they're finding fewer
and fewer men to talk to.
There also seems to be differences
in coping strategies.
Talking isn't always the solution for men,
and yet the therapeutic institution
basically says it's the panacea
that will cure all your ills.
The talking Cure,
as we know it was actually
named that by Freud
in working with female patients.
It's something that he saw
when working with female patients,
not when working with men.
Do you think that that is
maybe part of the reason
we're at historic lows
for romantic relationships?
There is a lot of reasons for that.
actually happening?
What are the reasons for think
the main reasons are economic.
They're like macroeconomic.
There was this really fascinating study
that just came out of Denmark.
Did you read this one?
It came out a couple of weeks ago,
and it's such a great study,
methodologically,
because they took publicly available data
on the entire population of Denmark,
like every single person for 14 years.
It's one of the most robust samples
you could possibly consider.
And what these researchers discovered
is that for every five,
for just a 5% permanent salary increase,
men were more likely to have children,
and women were significantly less
likely to have children.
If you give women more money,
they don't want men as much.
Now you might think, well,
why would that be the case?
Don't they need love and companionship?
ET cetera. Etc.
as you know from my book,
one of my arguments
is that relationships are active
and we enter into an transaction
when we exchange unequal goods
of comparable value.
And if that doesn't happen,
we don't have a relationship.
It's a nonstarter.
And in the sexual marketplace,
in the game of mating and dating,
those unequal goods tend to be men's
resources and women's sexual opportunity.
Women tend to get involved with men
who can significantly improve their lives.
On some level, that's entirely rational.
So when women's lives
get better,
they have a smaller subset of men
that they will consider
as dating and mating partners.
And we see this happening.
We see all of the sexual opportunity
being increasingly concentrated in the top
ten, 15% of men, as women
define
that, it's not the men who are thumping
their chest and saying, well,
I'm a 1% guy and I'm a high value guy.
It's the women who are deciding that
the cat decides what milk is.
Good, right?
And so we see the dysregulated
sexual marketplace.
The sexual marketplace tends
towards polygamy of their own volition.
More and more women are only attending
to a fewer
a smaller and smaller subset of men.
And so we see that as women
get better in the sense
that they make more money
and they have higher degrees,
and there they are
extrapolating their lifestyles, their need
for any one particular man goes down,
and they only will entertain
the possibility of a relationship,
generally when it will significantly
improve their lives.
I looked up the statistic
just a little bit ago.
The vast majority
of female medical doctors in this country.
We can say that as one of the highest
earning, highest professions,
Mary, male medical doctors
who make more than them.
However, the majority of male
medical doctors do not marry
other female medical doctors.
Does that make sense?
Like the average annual salary
of a female medical doctors
husband is $97,000 a year.
The average annual salary of a male
medical doctor's wife is $23,000 a year.
No woman, especially after she works
15 years, makes a lot of money,
earns the highest possible degree
that our society award says.
Finally, I can take care of a man.
You give a man just a little bit
more money and he'll start thinking about,
wow. Finally,
now I can afford to have a family.
But if you give women more money,
they don't think that.
They think, great,
I can take care of myself.
That's part of.
And that's
just the small tip of the iceberg.
But it's it's an economic thing
on a, on a social level.
And it's it's probably wrong to
just say that we need to go back
to the way things used to be.
The genie doesn't go back into the bottle,
like, we're not going to prohibit women
from working or owning private property
or voting or anything like that.
So we have to kind of make peace with
the fact that this is how the world is.
And there are still ways
to have satisfying
relationships,
even under current conditions.
And do you think that's a permanent shift,
or do you think this is
just the correction period
or this is a permanent shift?
Nothing is ever permanent.
I mean, I've studied history enough
to know that, like, the pendulum
always swings, the eternal civilizations
all crumble.
Ozymandias has clay feet,
and there are trends.
You know, 70 years ago, we had the House
un-American Committee where there was
basically witch hunts on the right.
We've seen in recent years with peak wokeness, there's witch hunts on the left. So
things change.
The issue is that it might be too late
for millions of people
because they just missed
the pendulum swing.
one of your former clients told you.
And this is funny,
that when his wife filed for divorce.
She said she could get everything
she needed from a man
via TaskRabbit and Tinder.
And you said she kind of has a point. She.
Women don't necessarily need men anymore
or as much as they did before.
They don't need a man.
They definitely need men.
They need men around.
Because men still predominantly build
and maintain civilization
like with it, where women aren't fighting
for gender parity at hydroelectric
dams and coal mines like we they need men.
Men provide the convenience
of the lifestyle that they enjoy in which
they think they don't need a man, but
that's provided to them by men, not women.
By the same token,
men are increasingly thinking,
well, maybe I don't need a woman
like a permanent woman.
Maybe I just date around.
Maybe I get lost in pornography. Maybe I
do something.
But it's like the idea
that I'm going to put all of my eggs
in this one relationship basket
when it seems to be
so socially unstable,
might not be a great long term investment.
So does monogamy still make sense then?
To some people? For sure.
Some people can only do it that way.
You know, I think that people
are on a spectrum with respect to this.
Like evolutionarily,
our closest ancestors,
I think, are chimps and bonobos,
and those two primates
can't be any different
with respect to their sexual practices.
One is very promiscuous, the bonobo.
The other is very hierarchical.
There are it's very aggressive.
There's a lot of competition.
I think people kind of exists
between those two extremes.
You're going to have people
who monogamy comes
very naturally
and you're going to have folks who
they're just,
I think, programed to be promiscuous.
I think in general, most people,
the vast majority of people are monogamous
to steal.
That's a term
I think Esther Perel came up with, who's a
wonderful, intelligent, grounded
commentator on relationships
in the sexual marketplace.
I really liked her book
The State of Affairs,
which is about cheating and infidelity,
because I think it's
one of the most reasonable
exposés on that phenomenon.
So she says monogamy ish.
So what's really interesting
is that most people,
most straight people,
they'll date for a while
and then after a few weeks, a few months,
they'll say, okay, what are we?
And they have the define
the relationship talk.
Right?
And they say, well,
I want to be committed.
Well, I want to be committed to.
So you're my girlfriend.
Yeah. So I'm your boyfriend. Great.
And they think that, like,
communication occurred.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, they both know what committed means.
Like, they both have the same assumptions
about what
being a boyfriend or girlfriend means.
They don't actually have to get into the
nitty gritty and define the field of play.
And so what happens is, two months later,
the girl sees the guy
smile a little too long
with the receptionist at the restaurant.
She accuses him of flirting.
He says, well, but I didn't do anything.
She thinks it's out of bounds.
She he thinks that it's inbounds
because they actually never defined
what commitment means
with respect to their actual relationship.
Right?
So monogamy is sort of like
giving some leeway
for the fact that we are sexual creatures
and that it can be
nice and fun and productive
to get attention
and to share attention
with members of the opposite sex.
And that can span the spectrum
from harmless
flirting with the person at the front desk
to ethical non-monogamy.
So which I think is a is a really they
need better branding, I think for that.
But it's for the two people to decide
what works for them.
guys, we've been so passionate
about finding the biggest geniuses,
and this is just one of the many episodes.
If you want to make sure you don't
miss the next one.
Make sure to subscribe.
All right, let's get back to the episode.
What's ethical non-monogamy?
I'm not an expert in it,
but it basically is a way to.
Enjoy multiple sexual relationships
simultaneously in a way that is supposed
to take care of each other's
commitments and emotions.
Okay. And is that just being honest
with your partner?
But you guys are going to do
separate things here and there.
But I'm just what is honest
but sometimes but
like what is honest mean
for some folks in that field, honest means
they sit their partner down and say,
okay, this Saturday
I'm going to go out with so-and-so, and
this is what we'll likely end up doing.
This is what's off the table.
This is when I'll be back.
And then they give a postmortem.
Some people are like,
don't ask, don't tell.
A lot of people actually
are don't ask, don't tell.
And that policy has kept a lot
of marriages alive for thousands of years.
Why do women like bad boys?
Why do they reject a kind, stable,
reliable
man in many cases in favor of the bad boy?
They don't always.
They often choose that man later in life,
maybe after they've dated around
and explored relationships
with potentially more exciting men,
they realize
that they're getting a little older.
Maybe the competition
is getting a little younger.
They don't feel like spending
every Saturday night out the club,
and they start looking around for
one of those reliable, kind, sweet men.
And a lot of those guys
are increasingly thinking, well,
that's kind of a bad bargain.
You know, it's
sort of the male equivalent of,
if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best
kind of a thing.
It's like, where were you at 22?
Like, why do I have to get the
why is my soulmate used, you know,
so that's part of it.
But bad boys are perennially attractive
to women
first and foremost
because they're exciting.
Danger is stimulating.
It makes you feel alive
the closer you are to death on some level,
the more you do feel alive, right?
And any seduction strategy
that works on women
always works to the extent that
it succeeds in stimulating their emotions.
There's more than one way to do it.
But you have to stimulate
a woman's emotions in order to get her
to be interested and invested
in a sexual relationship with you.
Okay. And danger does that like directly.
Right. So
first and foremost, it's emotionally
stimulating.
Secondly, they're safe for women.
And this is something that is often
counterintuitive to a lot of guys,
because a lot of guys will see the biker
with the face scars
and the criminal record as like,
you probably really shouldn't be spending.
I mean, that guy seems a little risky,
you know what I'm saying?
But here's the thing.
How do I put this?
Women are more concerned
about their physical safety
than men are for a number of reasons.
One of them is
that they're just physically smaller
and weaker than than men are.
And so
if push comes to shove, there
could potentially find themselves in a
sticky situation, as it were.
And that's just the average man.
The average man is more powerful
than the average woman, right?
But men also have this sort of hierarchy.
They're not going to mess with the guy
who is really strong
physically
and potentially a little unhinged.
And as already has a demonstrated track
record of, let's say, putting his money
where his mouth is when it comes to
standing up for his reputation
or protecting his his name
or his posse or his woman, etc..
So if a woman can succeed
in securing that man's affections
and no other man is going to mess
with that guy, then she actually doesn't
have to worry about all other men.
Like if she can sidle up
to the most dangerous biker at the bar,
then she only needs to worry about that
one guy because no other guy is going
to start something with that biker,
you know what I'm saying?
Otherwise, if she's with a different guy,
she might have to still worry about him
because the average man is more powerful
than the average woman.
But what if the biker starts
something with this average dude?
Well, is this guy
going to be able to protect her?
So even though most men will look at that
guy and think, wow, he seems I wouldn't
trust that person,
there is kind of an instinct here
that makes those men
feel safe to many women.
What if there's a guy out there
who's. He's not the bad boy, right?
He's your average guy, Okay, okay.
And he wants to
stimulate emotion right?
In a woman.
But he's not going to go get tattoos,
and he's not going to go write a Harley.
What are maybe a couple things he can do
to stand out from the crowd, from that,
from from the other average men,
but not go to the extreme
of I'm going to get tattoos
and get a criminal record, right.
What are some things he can do
to emotionally stimulate
that will put him ahead
of the ahead of the pack?
Well, the main thing that bad boys do is
they violate social norms.
Some of them even violate laws. Right.
But you have.
You can't violate a law
without violating a social norm.
So one of the things that a guy
who doesn't want to get a bunch of tattoos
can do is at least have the spine
and the sack to say what he really means,
despite the potential social consequences,
despite the fact that this person
might judge him, or this person
is going to unfriend him, or this person
is going to disinvited him
to Thanksgiving or etc., etc.
it's like that kind of firmness
says that I'm self-possessed
and self-sufficient enough
that I don't depend
on the approval of other folks, and I.
I'm willing to stand on my values
and my perspectives on some level,
irrespective of the consequences.
And that's a strength
that is actually fairly rare.
And it's not something that muscles,
by definition, confer to a person.
Right? Yeah.
So that's just saying what's on your mind.
Saying, saying not necessarily saying
what's on your mind, dude.
Just being real. Yes.
Knowing what you truly believe,
what your values are
and to not hide them
when you come into contact with somebody
that you feel might be radically different
in the sense that I want to be liked.
I want to keep my job.
I want to not
full any feathers.
I mean, there's
there is something to be said for
for civility
and and decency and respect, for sure.
But we don't necessarily hide
what we believe
because another person
might become upset with us.
So you can stimulate that emotion
not from working out
and being bluff, not from the
we can you drive.
I mean, outside of you can do that too,
outside of those things with what you say.
Well, yeah.
Most of what you do to seduce
a woman is, is use your words.
Unless you're in a and you know,
you're in a foam party and it's just pure
physicality in the beat,
you're going to have to use your words.
And a woman's biggest erogenous zone
is your mind the most successful seducers
throughout history, the Don Juan's,
the Casanovas, they weren't jacked.
They weren't the richest guys.
They weren't the smartest guys.
But they used their language in a way
to evoke a certain
emotional response in the women.
And they were also very bold, like,
there are some
fantastic stories in Casanova's journals.
I think he was arrested in Venice
one time, and he actually broke himself
out of jail just so that he could seduce
like, the judges wife,
and then snuck back into jail
by the end of the evening.
Like, that's just the kind of guy he was.
Let's move on to sexual marketplace value.
okay? SMV. Sure.
You said a woman's peak
value in the sexual marketplace is between
18 and 25, and a man's starts at 30
and then starts climbing.
What does that mean for men and women?
Well, I do say that, but it's
not just the idea that came into my mind.
I say that
because that's what the research says.
So like according to men,
women are most attractive.
I think the most recent study is 23,
which is the oldest it's ever been.
Like that same study that was done
30 years ago.
It was 21.
So 23 is is pretty tough.
And when you see the behavior of men
selection on say like dating apps,
men of all ages are still swiping
most consistently on women who are around
22, 23 years old.
Now, that was women might not ever even
see those men's profile
given their age filters.
But it's one of the great things
about dating apps.
Is it?
It provides us an absolute treasure
trove of revealed preference
in behavioral data.
It's not surveys.
It's not talking to people on the street.
What do you want in a man?
What do you look for in a woman where
there's all this social desirability bias?
You see what people actually are doing
behind closed doors
when they think nobody is looking,
and men are voting and saying that.
We think that 23 year old women are peak.
by the same token,
women are showing
with their behavior that they believe
older men to be more attractive.
According to one study, it was 50.
According to the revealed behavior
of women on dating apps,
they the peak male age was 50,
which seems a little old to me,
but I think that probably late 30s
to early 40s seems to be where men peak.
And that's not me saying it.
That's what women on mass seem to be
saying with their revealed preference.
So people peak at different times.
Why is that the case?
Because men and women are filtering
for different things.
Men, for better or for worse,
they primarily
use physical attractiveness as a standard
for who they decide to approach and enter
into relationships with.
And that's kind of brutal, because not
every woman is going to be beautiful.
Not every woman is going to be attractive.
We can all be more attractive
than we currently are,
but not everyone is going to be that way.
that's why cosmetics is a multibillion
dollar industry, right?
It's like women are actually spending an
inordinate amount of money on their hair,
on their nails, on their skin,
on on surgeries, on injections,
in order to incrementally increase
their SMV in the eyes of men,
they often say that they do it
for themselves or for other women.
There's some truth to that,
but these are all cues
that men respond to, and I don't think
that we can ignore that fact.
It's not like
they're making their elbows trimmer,
like men don't care about elbows.
You know, they're making their their face
look a certain way,
their breasts look a certain way.
Those are cues
that men recognize and pick up on.
You've said that women's default
move is to act
as if they will never be more valuable
than today.
And men's default move is to commit before
they've experienced the advantage
that's coming.
Sure, in terms of like game theory,
most women are already past 23 years old.
So if we're going to put that
as a woman's, the average woman's peak
SMV, then every year after that
it becomes harder and harder to transact
as good of a deal as it did last year.
competition keeps getting younger, and
I think that there's often
in today's sexual marketplace,
let's say, a failure of
perspective taking.
Like, I didn't get through with this,
but we were talking about
how men and women value different things
in the game of mating and dating.
What do women value?
Women value resources status.
They do physical attractiveness.
That's actually becoming more
and more important
for guys these days, like
especially height, abs, things like that.
But having an extra lifestyle
is much more important for long term
mating in women's selection.
So generally, with each passing year,
a woman gets older
and a man gets richer
unless they screw something up there.
Right.
So most men are kind of long
term prospects,
like they reach peak status,
usually around 50.
And that could be part of why
that study said that's where men peak.
If they make good money
and invest it well,
they typically have higher net worth.
They have a more extrapolated lifestyle.
They're also more mature, which means that
they're probably not going to chase
after everything that moves.
They have emotional regulation.
They have experience dealing with
all kinds of different issues in life,
which makes them a reliable partner.
in general, it's a good idea
for women on the population level to
play to
their advantages, like strike
when the iron is hot, if this is
when you are going to be most attractive
to your potential customers,
then like lean in hard and heavy
to make sure
that you can get the best possible deal
while you can still get it.
And the best possible deal
is generally a lifetime
of protection and provision from a
a high value man in the sense
of how women define that high
net worth, high resources,
emotional regulation, etc., etc.
and is the man just looking for
looks only?
Is that I mean,
maybe that's the first thing, but
is he eventually looking for other things?
Or mainly it's about
looks or looks and sex.
And if I can, if I can get those two.
And she's hot and she's young, I'm happy.
Or is there or are there other things
eventually that matter?
Well, I think so.
But like again, men overwhelmingly choose
based on physical attractiveness,
and there are some good reason for that.
It's not just that men are shallower
than women, it's that youth and fatality
and physical attractiveness cues
suggest that this woman is healthy
and is more likely to produce
viable, healthy offspring.
But yes, I do think that for me
personally,
I mean, I've made that mistake.
I've gaited women in the past just because
they were incredibly attractive.
And I've learned through my experiences
that that is insufficient for a long term
relationship.
Absolutely.
It's sufficient for the here and now.
But if it's long term.
But I will say that
and I say that in the book, is
that men will try harder and longer
when they're dealing with a woman
that they find very attractive.
Like in my own personal case,
the things I put up with and the things
that I tried to do to save
that relationship were beyond the pale.
Right? Because she was
Let's talk about young men.
Right?
Because you said at 18,
a young man is useless to women, right?
He has no money,
no status, no maturity, and he's useless
to other men because he has no experience
and no skills.
And so he's kind of at the bottom
of every hierarchy simultaneously.
And it can stay that way for,
who knows, a decade longer.
Right.
How does a young man out there listening
kind of survive that reality?
Just that it gets better.
Like it's
very difficult to be a young man.
And I think that that is not appreciated
sufficiently.
And it's a big part,
I think, why men in that age
group have been considered
kind of surplus, and they get shipped off
to wars in cultures all over the world
for hundreds or thousands of years.
They are the disposable people.
18 to 25 year old men are disposable
people.
They're probably not husbands and fathers.
Yet we're not sending our our
our engineers
and our inventors and our financiers
and our doctors to war.
They don't have those skill sets yet.
So if someone's got to go and they're also
the strongest and most energetic
that they're likely going to be, so
they it's difficult to actually survive,
like literally survive as a young man,
especially in certain parts of the world.
and that's the good news,
like I was saying before, for better
or for worse, men
really, really, really care
about a woman's physical attractiveness
and some women
are just not going to get there, right?
Women really care about a bunch of stuff.
Actually, it's it's
kind of easier to get in with women
because they don't
just care about one thing.
So there's a few different pathways,
like you can be very, very attractive
and you can get women for sure,
but you could also be very, very rich.
You could be very, very funny.
You could be very, very famous.
You could be,
which is not the same thing as being rich.
You could be very, very high status,
which is not the same thing
as being famous.
There's a few different pathways,
about game?
Is game on their meaning?
He's a five out of ten,
but he just has game right?
Game is is extremely important.
Like women often like to think that game
just doesn't work on them.
But the best game is invisible.
It's like they don't even think
that the game is being run on them,
and they believe it's their own decision
to feel the way that they're feeling
and to to move forward with this man
and not some other man.
If a man didn't have any of those things,
but he had game, It helps for sure.
Yeah.
Like but the less of those other things
you have,
the more unremitting the game has to be.
It's like marketing on some level.
Like if your product isn't great,
you have to resort to kind of
just saturation campaigns.
And so it's drilled into people's minds
on some level.
But the product is really good.
You might not even have to advertise
at all.
Like, you know, Lamborghini doesn't
advertise on TV.
think you made the argument once that
and you talked about this.
There's a number of different things
men don't necessarily
because I think this is something
that most men think about is like, men
don't necessarily need money
to attract women.
Oh no, they don't, they don't. Yeah.
I think I made an episode a while back
called
what works on Women
are the three things that work on women.
Let's see if I can remember the first,
which you already discussed, is being able
to stimulate a woman's emotions,
which is primarily linguistic.
You have to be able to evoke
an emotional response.
It doesn't have to even be a positive
response.
In fact, what people have learned
is what can be even more stimulating
is a combination of, let's say, positive
and negative emotional experiences.
Too many positive experiences get boring,
unfortunately,
and boring is
is the absence of emotional stimulation.
It's like the one emotion
that doesn't work with women.
The first is confidence.
Like if you're a young guy
and you don't have money,
you don't have status,
you don't have a lifestyle,
you don't have fame,
you don't have skills, you don't have abs.
You might have abs.
If you're young, could have abs.
I mean, at the very least,
that's something that you could do
through your own discipline.
And it actually doesn't cost you anything
because abs are generally subtraction.
It's not addition.
It's like eating less and being there
made in the kitchen, not in the gym,
but the one thing you absolutely must have
if you want a chance with women
as a young man is confidence.
And confidence
doesn't cost anything right.
And it's something that it might take
a little practice to build a kind of
an emotional callus, because you're going
to get shot down a lot.
I think of kind of approaching women
to be something like baseball,
like the best Hall of Fame hitters
still struck out more than they got a hit,
And confidence is easier to have
when you have an established
track record of success.
And so that's generally the pushback
I get from guys.
But like, yeah, dude, I'd be confident
if I had a million bucks
and I had, you know, a beautiful wife.
And you know, it's like, yeah, it's
kind of easy to to be confident then.
So you kind of have to fake it
til you make it.
Like you can have what I call psychotic
confidence, which is belief in yourself
before there's any evidence
to support that belief.
That's what kind of makes it a belief.
And you have to believe in yourself
before anybody else does,
because nobody else
will for a very long time.
And then suddenly everyone
is going to think, oh yeah, that guy.
I love that guy.
Like nothing happens for a very long time
until everyone kind of more or less
decides that. Oh yeah, that's cool.
You've made it on some level.
Was confidence your secret?
Because you said as a theater actor
in New York,
you got laid
more than a successful doctor.
doing pretty well for myself these days.
But yeah, I was
I was broke as a joke, man,
and I was living in public
housing in Brooklyn.
It was month to month.
There were women who wouldn't
tell their friends that they were coming
home with me, you know?
And back then I really wanted
to have a wife and to have a girlfriend.
People generally want what they don't
or can't have in any given time.
Right?
My secret was I was pretty psychotic,
confident, like I was very sure of myself
and God knows where that came from.
But the other thing, the third thing
is that I was also a contextual alpha.
A contextual alpha means that you are
on top of a status hierarchy.
And as an actor, that's what was going on.
So I was often
the leading man in these shows.
Now, sometimes
there was ten people in the audience,
but I was the lead actor for those
ten people, you know what I'm saying?
You could be the lead guitarist for
two guys at the local bar on a Tuesday,
you know what I'm saying?
So if you're on stage and everyone's
looking at you and focusing on you
and clapping for you, etcetera, etcetera,
like there's something of a
like something gets transferred onto you.
It's almost like a totem.
It's almost like a it's like magic.
Right. that really does help.
So the great thing
about being a contextual alpha is
you don't have to be like, there's
so there's so many different scenes
that you can be a part of.
And if you can't find a scene
where you can be near
the top, you can create your own.
I mean, that's all also hard work,
but it's hard work to ascend
a status hierarchy that preexisting.
So it's like, pick your hard guy.
The good news about building your own
is that you build it around you
with your own strengths and preferences
and interests, so you're much more likely
to have people who are into what
you're doing because they come to you,
and to remain in that position
for an extended period of time.
You said, what works to attract someone
and what works to keep
them are two entirely different things.
I think most people maybe would assume,
hey, if I can get someone
then I can keep them, No.
okay? Why is that wrong? Well,
there's a few things here.
So first of all, I talk about in the book
that every relationship progresses
through three distinct phases.
There's attraction, negotiation
and maintenance.
So negotiation often gets skipped over.
But we got attraction and getting and
keeping attraction and maintenance, right.
One thing you have to understand is that
once a phase starts, it never ends.
So that's the first mistake
that people make.
What does that mean?
That means that sometimes people
go through the trouble
of getting somebody attracting somebody,
and then once the relationship is stable,
they think that they just have to
worry about maintenance.
No no, no.
Once attraction starts, it never stops.
It's just that now you also have
to do attraction and negotiation.
And then once that starts and it's
successful, that never stops either.
You now have to do attraction
and negotiation and maintenance.
So one of the things that people get wrong
is they think, well,
I'm in the maintenance phase.
I don't have to worry
about attraction anymore.
No wrong.
In general, it's a very good idea
to continue to be and do the things,
be the person, and do the things that your
partner was attracted to to begin with.
we undermine the basis of our own
attraction to our own detriment mutually.
So that's the first thing
is that even though we're in maintenance,
we still have to worry about attraction,
which generally means keeping ourselves
in decent shape, dressing in a way
that is attractive to your partner.
Doing things that keep you
alive and interesting and excited
and good to be around, etcetera, etc..
But yeah,
attraction and maintenance
are are totally different things.
Attraction is like marketing.
Often what works is bold and emotional.
Like any successful marketing campaign
doesn't sell the product.
It either sells the solution
or more commonly, it sells a completely
unrelated attitude like Coke
doesn't sell carbonated sugar water.
It sells joy and friendship.
You look at these medications
that are sold to the general public.
They don't sell a herpes remedy.
They sell going to the beach
and playing tennis with friends.
You know what I'm saying?
It has nothing to do
with the product at all.
But that's kind of what works
with respect to the attraction.
Is that herpes medication?
Not so sexy.
So we're going to pair that through.
It's almost like a classical conditioning
thing.
We're going to pair that
with an emotional stimulus
that people enjoy that will be memorable,
that will resonate.
And eventually
when they take that medication,
they might even get to the point
where they're thinking
they're on the beach.
Beer commercials do that. Great.
You know, there's a bunch of guys
sitting in dark bars drinking bad beer,
thinking that they're in some beer
commercial, playing volleyball
with hotties on a beach somewhere.
Like, that's how amazing
successful advertising campaigns are,
But if your product sucks, it's
hard to keep people
like you'll have a lot of churn with.
For some products, that's okay.
But in general, most products
want repeat customers,
and that means that your product
also has to be good.
So if they take the first sip
of your beverage and spit it out,
they're going to think I was fooled by the
I'm not going to do that again.
So they the company did get a sale, but
probably isn't great for their long term
solvency.
Is there a moment in every relationship?
I think it's what you call the crisis
of disappointment, where the fantasy
shatters and the real relationship
either begins or does.
Yeah, I call it illustration phase.
no, that's still in the attraction phase.
So that could be the end of the attraction
phase
and potentially
the beginning of negotiation.
So I call it
the crisis of disillusionment.
So a great deal of attraction
is based on projected fantasy.
I am seeing what I want to see
and because I'm attracted,
I am going to fill in the gaps
in my knowledge base
with what I would prefer to see there,
which is generally what people do.
We can call that a kind of halo effect.
The issue is
that it's only a matter of time
before that projected
fantasy comes into contact with reality.
So either something big happens
or there's just been accumulation
of small things or inconsistencies,
and then they aggregate
a critical mass is reached
in everything kind of shatters.
And you're staring at this person almost
for the first time, like, who are you?
Like you're
the same person I was seeing before.
They don't.
They might even look different
within your perception.
And this is when the relationship
can potentially begin.
Before it was actually a hall of mirrors.
Like I'm using the shattering
imagery intentionally.
You're not actually seeing the person.
You're seeing yourself reflected
back on the surface of that person,
your own and yourself.
I mean, your projected fantasies
that shatters.
And so now you potentially
see the other person for the first time.
Great.
It's great because you're probably not
that invested
in the relationship yet, like
you might have been having a wild time.
And if you didn't
keep a rain on your emotions
after six months, the honeymoon phase,
maybe you're already engaged.
Maybe you've met introduced this person
to all of your friends and family,
and you're very emotionally invested.
Probably a mistake, right?
You. It's not a good idea to really invest
emotionally until after the crisis.
Disillusionment,
because you actually don't know
what you're investing in, right?
So now that you can begin
to see the other person clearly,
you can say,
oh, this is who you really are.
Okay, so maybe
there
are things here that I can work with.
Maybe you do have the skills
and the resources and the traits
that I'm looking for
with respect to my relationship goals.
Great.
We're going to tentatively move forward
or I'm going to say,
wow, I just don't know what happened.
And I don't feel the same way anymore.
I'm so sorry.
And you cut your losses
because you're probably
not that far
into the relationship at this point.
And that's probably for the best
than trying to fight
to keep somebody in your life
who seems to be looking for the door,
what happens later on in the relationship?
So after you've went on
and now you're in maintenance phase
and you're still trying
to keep the attraction
everything going what's happening
psychologically when one person stops
loving their partner?
Well,
you have to define
love for me because that's the tricky word
in that question.
What do you think love is?
look, I think depends on the person.
But I think for some men,
let's just say hypothetically, right.
It could be, you know,
the physical went away slowly over time.
There was there was attraction.
They first met, you know,
it's like it's like when you
when you're dating someone
and you maybe you text the girl
the eggplant emoji and she texts you back
and then it's just boom, it's on versus
that same relationship,
let's say 3 or 5 years
down the line
when the same guy, same girl,
you text her the eggplant emoji and
she texts you back, oh you're disgusting.
Get away.
It's like, what's changed?
Well, what's changed is her attraction.
So I made an episode about this
called The Lens of Attraction.
Everything that you do is perceived
through a woman's lens of attraction.
And this is related
to the crisis, disillusionment
that we're saying,
because that's a huge hit to attraction.
They're much more likely to be attracted
to their own projected fantasies
than the reality of who you are.
No matter who you are, the fantasy is
always better than the reality.
That's what makes it a fantasy, right?
So even if you are,
you know, a gorgeous, rich, A-list
Hollywood actor
who actually wants to settle down
and have a family that's still going to be
not as good as her projected fantasy.
The same behavior looks different
depending on the level of attraction.
And we already know this, like,
every trait has two kind
of linguistic conventions about it.
We could say on the one hand that I am
a man of principle and I'm convicted.
Or I could you could say that
I'm stubborn and willful.
We could say that I'm I'm discreet
and I pick my battles.
Or you could say that
I'm cowardly and meek.
You could say that you are a gourmet
and with a refined palate.
Or I can say that you're a glutton
who doesn't know how to say no.
It's the same behavior.
It's just that I've already decided
in the one case to feel positively
about it, in the other case
to feel negatively about it.
It can't actually be about the thing
being discussed, because it's exactly
the same in both cases.
So what's changed?
The thing hasn't changed.
The other person,
the behavior hasn't changed.
I've changed. And so
if the eggplant emoji isn't working
like it used to,
that could be a canary in the coal
mine in the sense
that for whatever reason
and there's always reasons,
we don't always know them,
but there's always reasons
that woman's attraction for that
man has decreased
significantly,
maybe all at once, but probably
more likely slowly
and gradually over time.
And if I were working with that person,
I would try to troubleshoot
what that could be and to get it back
online, To push the attraction,
to stimulate her emotionally,
to get things going.
And then.
well, yeah,
because a woman who's not attracted
to a man, she's going to perceive
all of his behavior and all of his traits
in the negative category.
And it's and I think that's why she's
kind of building a case
for why she needs to leave.
Women are more loyal to their feelings,
and men are more loyal
to their commitments in relationship,
which is interesting
because neither one of them
are technically loyal to the other person.
when a woman's feelings change
and the attraction dips,
then everything looks negative
and she's building a rational case for why
she might need to exit the relationship.
Let's talk about body count.
I've heard people say that it shouldn't
matter.
Some. Some people care.
Some people don't care about it.
What's your take on body count?
I mean, it
clearly matters to a lot of men.
And there's probably good reasons
for why that is the case.
Personally,
I think that with respect to the success
of a long term relationship, it's
probably more important to be that woman's
first love
than to be her first sexual experience.
if you're the first man
that she really loves
and that she's very attracted
to, there's kind of an imprint
that that leaves on a person's mind
or that person's heart.
And that's really
what's more important than if she has
an intact hymen, in my opinion.
We I also believe that men can be
monomaniacal, focused on the number,
and for better or for worse,
men are probably
never going to know the truth about what
that number really is,
and also that women
tend to count differently than men do.
Okay. Explain that.
How are they counting differently?
Well, you know, you got to think.
You got to think like, sure.
You got to think like a lawyer here.
You know,
it's like that doesn't count
because They're lying
or counting differently depending
on what type of sexual experience.
Well, I mean, they can lie.
Women lie, men lie,
but they don't in counting differently.
They just they don't think of it as lying.
They just think that
that one doesn't really count.
Maybe it doesn't count
because it wasn't vaginal intercourse.
Maybe it doesn't count
because she was drunk.
Maybe she doesn't count
because she regrets it.
Maybe it doesn't count
because it only lasted 30s maybe.
I mean, who knows?
But these are all ways
that it cannot count with women.
And I don't think most men would agree
with the accounting.
So do you think body count?
Look, let's talk about, you know,
someone other that's let's say 30 to 45.
They're dating their age is 30 to 45.
Okay, okay.
maybe it's
higher or lower than body count,
but they're 30 to 45 years old.
They're dating
Does a high body count and a woman
predict anything meaningful
about her as a long term partner?
Do you think the research seems
to suggest that it does?
Yeah. what does that Well, it does.
Well, it's kind of extrapolated.
For example, there's data
that show that the divorce rate is lowest
when the woman is a virgin,
it is
not as low, but still significantly lower
when she has only one
body, it's not as low.
So that we can extrapolate
kind of a correlation.
It's probably not strictly linear,
because the top 1 or
2% of both men and women
really tend to skew the numbers.
It's like The median number
of sexual partners
in a man is one.
Or it might even be zero,
especially under 30.
But that's not the same as the average
meeting as a type of average.
But it's not the mean.
So it gets kind of complicated there.
thought is that the more bodies
a man or a woman has,
the less able that person is to pair
bond in a long term relationship.
I think that might be more true of women
than of men, though I do know men.
I've met them
who kind of get lost in the game.
They just become players
and they might even be sex addicted.
Their numbers are astronomical,
and they've kept such a tight rein
on their emotions that they might not know
how to unclench that in a relationship,
but I think it's very difficult.
I mean, I made another episode about this
where as I said previously, I think it's
more important to be
the, if possible,
the first man and a woman really loves.
And if you can't be that,
then you absolutely have to be the best
man she's ever had.
that's also what makes it challenging
as a woman has more bodies.
So let's say on the extreme case,
she's got 50.
You're number 50.
What's the likelihood that you are going
to be better than the other 49 guys?
Like in every capacity
you're going to be that's,
you know, 2% just is a random thing,
but you're going to be the 2% lover.
You're going to be the 2% in height
and attractiveness
and wealth and status
and showing her emotional experiences.
This is why when you go on TikTok,
on Instagram, there's there's women
who are talking to other women seriously.
And they think, what's wrong with me?
Like, I'm with a good man.
I'm with a man who loves me,
who cares from you, gives me foot massages
while we watch sex in the city or whatever
it is.
But I'm still thinking about that one guy,
and he didn't even treat me right.
He didn't even commit to me.
And it's like there was something
about that emotional experience
that imprinted itself on
that woman's mind and heart,
and it's made it difficult for her
to be fully invested in her relationship,
even though she might be married
for ten years with kids.
So that's kind of the danger
with respect to that, in my opinion.
You've mapped out the five
possible end games for women in the sexual
Oh yeah, and the math is pretty
brutal, is it?
Walk me through it.
Oh, that episode came out
a couple of years ago,
so I might not have the statistics
right at the top of my head, but.
don't think it's as brutal,
because the final analysis is that
in most cases, women end up taking care of
like we do know that in general,
60% of all women have reproduced
and only 40% of all men have reproduced.
Women are just much more likely
to pass on their genes.
And to end up with somebody.
It might not be their first choice, but
they're not going to end up in the gutter.
The gutters are overwhelmingly
populated by men, that episode
kind of hinges on the idea that.
You can either get the man that you want,
or you can get the relationship
that you want, but it's very, very,
very difficult to get both.
Like that's option A in that scenario
in that episode there's five option
A is the best, which is that a woman
gets the relationship
she wants with the man that she wants.
That what I'm suggesting there
is that the guy is handsome.
Nuclear physicist makes eight figures
a year, six foot four.
You know, it's like,
think about your ideal person.
And he's loyal and he's commitment minded,
and he gives you a wedding
and several kids or whatever it is.
It's like,
that's extremely difficult to get.
It's extremely difficult to get.
So I say that that's going.
I conservatively say that
that's going to happen 1% of the time.
In reality, it probably happens even less.
But just to make the numbers
easier to work with, I said 1%,
which means that a woman realistically
has to look at herself and say,
could I beat out 99 other women for that
same man?
Am I more physically attractive
than 99 of my competitors?
Am I'm going to do
the things that the other 99 won't do.
Like, on some level,
the cost of winning is overpaying.
You have to be willing and able
to do the things that your competitors
won't in order to win.
So like, how are you going to go above
and beyond what the girl right behind
you can do, let alone
the last, you know, the bottom 80%?
It's extremely difficult.
Now, the issue is that we're dealing with,
in this case,
a very attractive man
from a woman from women's perspective.
Right.
In general, men are in the sexual
marketplace trying to exchange resources,
which is not just money, but resources
more generally for sexual opportunity.
And in the regulatory sexual marketplace,
more and more women
are concentrating their opportunity
into the top percentiles of men.
This is a really great time to be alive
if you're a top 10% man, because
like 80% of the women
are making a concerted effort
to put themselves in front of you
and can entertain
all kinds of different
sexual relationships with you,
like they might have to do
what the other women won't in order
to secure even this man's attention,
let alone his commitment.
Does that make sense?
So these men are unlikely to commit
to any one woman.
Like the more optionality a man has.
Rationally, he's thinking, yeah,
this one woman is great, but
is she better than the other five
I'm currently dealing with
and the other ten I could be dealing with
in this year alone.
And those are conservative numbers
for some of the top men, right?
So now this woman has to be
better than every other woman
that this man is actually currently
transacting with,
and every hypothetical woman
that he could be transacting
with in the future,
which will likely increase
as he's already attractive now,
his fame, his status,
his wealth are probably on the up and up,
which is what made him in the top
1% to begin with.
So most of these men are not going to be
the loyal, committed, exclusive family men
that women might prefer.
So option B is the woman gets the man,
but she doesn't get the relationship,
which means she has an arrangement
a lot of these guys,
whether they're extremely wealthy
or extremely famous
or they're very high status,
they have arrangements with their wives.
We've talked about the don't ask,
don't tell or I mean, certain
people have even written it
into their prenuptial agreements,
you know, I think that's fair.
And anything if it works for them,
if it works for them.
And is that what that woman would prefer?
Probably not.
I don't think any woman who really loves
a man loves the idea
of sharing him with other women,
but she might tolerate it
because she understands that if she were
to draw a really firm line in the sand,
she would probably lose access
to that man.
So she has the man,
but she doesn't have the relationship.
she doesn't have everything.
So she's in some ways
settling a little bit, but she's getting
what she wants.
Not everything she wants,
but she's getting most of
most of what she Yes,
but it's so difficult for any person,
man or woman
to get everything that they want, right?
So it's got to come out of somewhere.
And I think a lot of people,
a lot of women, if the man is attracted
enough, it'll come out of their
relationship preferences.
And that's not something
that's commonly talked about.
But I think that's the truth.
You've pointed out
that women actually punished
the men that they're most attracted to.
it. Sure.
does attraction create that dynamic,
and if so, why?
Well, you have to understand
that punishment is a risky, labor
intensive thing.
Like, people don't argue
with people they don't care about
and they can gain nothing from.
It's just a complete wasted effort.
And punishment is effortful.
It requires emotional resources, time,
and it is a bit of a gambit.
And the purpose of most punishment is
to stop a certain behavior
and or to bring someone back in line.
You're not going to want to punish
somebody that you want to leave your life.
That keeps them potentially in your life
does that.
You're giving me a face
here. Does that make sense? So.
So if a man is getting tested,
Well tested, and punishments aren't
necessarily the same thing.
okay, maybe he considers it
He might think it's a punishment,
when a woman comes back at him
with whatever
she's coming back with, he may think
she's just being argumentative, but
is that potentially a green flag?
That's because she's interested.
She's she's interested in
keeping this going.
She just wants one thing to change or It
definitely means that she's interested.
It might not be a green flag.
I don't think it's a good sign.
I mean, to be honest,
I was inspired to make that episode
around the events of Tom Brady's divorce.
And we know that after winning six
Super Bowls,
he said he wanted to retire,
but that didn't last very long.
And he says, no, I'm going to go back
out on the field with the books.
And his wife was like,
no, you know, you can't do that.
You know, started putting pressure on him,
suggesting that maybe they're going to
separate if he doesn't leave football
and stay home with her and the kids.
That was my understanding of it.
And he says, I got to do what I got to do.
I'm the goat of all time.
That's the T, right?
You know, I'm the greatest of all time.
You knew I was into football
when you met me.
This is who I am.
This is what I want to do.
And of course, he went on
to win the seventh with the books,
which was awesome, right?
And they are divorced now.
And she's with the jiu jitsu trainer
or something.
a lot of people don't know that
Gisella actually has a higher net worth
than Tom Brady does.
And she got it from,
I think, cosmetic industry.
So she does pretty well for herself.
And that's probably part of the reason
why their divorce apparently was so
it wasn't contentious or long drawn out.
I mean, they're both famous personalities
in the public light.
But that doesn't always protect you.
But her net worth was higher than his,
as I understand it.
But do you think that she would have
put pressure on Tom to return home
if she wasn't attracted to him,
if she didn't want him around?
No. She would have said, that's
okay, sweetie.
Good luck.
Bye bye. On some level.
So I could potentially see
that kind of pressure as a punishment.
It makes my life more difficult.
And it's designed to coerce behavior
in line with her preferences,
which is basically what a punishment,
if it's successful does,
it makes you stop doing the thing
I want you to stop doing.
That's how I know
that it's a successful punishment.
And I'm only going to do that
because I want you around
the women.
When women don't want anything from a man,
they're not going to punish him.
They're not even going to insult him.
All of those things are more likely
to keep him around,
and potentially to make the situation
more dangerous or unsafe for her.
You said that the men who pay the most are
the ones women are less interested in.
Well, it kind of comes from the idea
that all men pay when it comes to women.
But the more she likes you, the greater
the discount.
So men can pay
in all kinds of different ways.
Just think about the average date
is that I have to pay,
because I have to take the risk
to ask you out, for you to say yes.
I have to have done all of this
work on myself beforehand.
As I've said
before, it's taken me ten years to learn
how to pick up a woman in ten minutes
because I had to learn
how to be confident.
I had to learn how to be funny.
I had to learn to close.
I had to dress a certain way.
I had to present myself
in a certain manner.
From her perspective,
it just took a few minutes.
But that's the result of years
and years of effort and experience.
then there's the date.
There's the time,
there's the emotional engagement.
There's the money,
there's the opportunity cost.
There's a lot that goes into dating
and maintaining women.
I think in general, it's more expensive
for men
to be in a relationship
and more expensive for women to be single.
So take that as as you will.
However, the more
a woman actually authentically desires
you and likes you, the less you have to do
any of that other stuff.
However, if she doesn't like you,
then on some level
she has to be compensated for her presence
in the opportunity.
Cost of spending time with you over
any other man
that she might even be more authentically
interested in spending time with.
And so that's when you have the well,
you got to send an Uber for me this way
and pick me up,
and we're going to have to go to
this restaurant
and not that restaurant and don't expect
any, you know, funny business.
So that man is now paying for multiple
expensive dates, is
patient, is spending a lot of money,
spending a lot of time, and maybe
hasn't even succeeded in entering
into a sexual relationship with that woman
because that woman actually
doesn't want sex with that man.
She might allow him
to access her sexual opportunity.
She might have to eventually,
because she can only kind of
string him along for so long,
but because she doesn't want that.
But she
he has other things that she might want.
She's going to use the sexual opportunity
as bait in order to get the
the dinners and the validation
and the gifts and the travel.
And that might be enough,
especially if she doesn't actually
have to go to bed with him
at the end of the date.
What about the other way around?
What about the woman has the money
the man that maybe a younger man.
he's the sexual opportunity for her,
That can happen for sure.
I mean, we saw that with Gisella
just a few minutes ago, right?
I doubt that jiu jitsu instructor
was making more than than her,
you know what I'm saying?
So there is this opportunity
and there's a there's a number of
examples of very
famous female pop stars or actresses
who do end up dating
or even marrying younger men.
They tend to be very attractive.
Younger men.
They're like the cabana boys,
you know what I'm saying?
They kind of
have a boyish energy about them.
They could be vigorous sexual partners.
I've actually talked about this
in both the book and on the channel,
is that sometimes the younger man, older
woman dynamic is really good
for a number of reasons.
First and foremost is their libido.
They tend to be matched like young men
can go all night, multiple rounds.
It seems that women
tend to peak sexually in their late 30s.
I think some of that has to do with
they finally become
comfortable enough with their own bodies
and their own sexualities.
Like female sexuality
is a complicated thing.
There's all these contradictory beliefs
and statements
that women have to contend with
from the time that they're very young,
so it's not an easy thing to do.
And but by the time they get to
that stage, they often are comfortable
with their bodies.
They know what feels good.
They know how to please a man.
They could be very experienced
in the bedroom.
And the men,
if he likes what he sees, he could go.
He can go all night.
And so it's like it can be fireworks.
Younger men and older women.
You've said one of the
most costly mistakes men make is a
is emotionally investing in a woman
too fast.
Sure, Once you give her the lollipop,
you can't take it away
without creating a problem.
Walk me through
what men are doing wrong here.
What goes back to what we were talking
about with the crisis of disillusionment
is that you don't actually know
who you're dealing with until that
shattering occurs, you're
dealing with your own projected fantasies,
and some men can really get off
to the races, especially if they don't
have a lot of experience with women,
which could be because they're young
or they're not as attractive
or for various other reasons.
And if the woman is very attractive
and they start sleeping together,
he can very quickly get his emotions
engaged.
Can happen with women as well
let's say that this, this person
is very quickly getting ahead of himself.
And that's a problem because he doesn't
actually know who he's dealing with.
All we really know is
that he's very attracted to her physically
and that he likes what he sees,
but he might not be seeing clearly.
In fact, we can almost guarantee
that he's not seeing clearly.
And so we do kind of
want to play a waiting game
until that disillusionment occurs
so that, you know,
if this person is worth investing in
for the long haul.
I think women can do the same.
So to me, that's at least six months
and probably closer to 12
before you kind of give her your heart
or give her that emotional connection
because you're waiting to see
who she really is, maybe, or you're
I don't know if you've had this
experience will, like you told me
that you got married fairly young.
I hope that's not a secret
to anybody. Right?
So I don't know.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah. You have.
Oh, okay.
So there was a little bit of dating
experience before you met your wife.
Okay.
It sucks, doesn't it? Yeah.
Do you want to go through that shit again?
No, I don't think anybody does.
Right Well I know some would say yeah.
But if you're, you know,
keeping your heart closed off and you're
kind of, and you're only going in
and you're just maybe you're not diving
in, you're not giving your self the chance
to feel love with that person. Why?
Why postpone that when if I'm feeling it,
you're saying, no, really?
This is just.
Guys are just driven
by the looks, the sex,
and that's just that's going to take over
and you're going to think you're in love,
but you don't really know them yet.
So give it time before
you really give them your heart.
Yeah, I would say that.
And I've heard that argument before,
but it's respectfully
kind of a straw man argument
when I say that folks should exercise
emotional restraint and to know who
they're really dealing with
before they invest in people emotionally,
I am not saying, well,
just close off your heart
and not feel any kind of emotions
or love for people.
That's the total opposite extreme,
which actually might be
more successful in the sexual marketplace
than the opposite extreme,
which is falling in love with
every pretty thing that crosses your path.
we were talking about bad boys.
This is kind of kitty corner to bad boy,
but there's like the stone cold
thug is one of the
the sub archetypes of the bad boy
archetype,
and that works like being inscrutable
and unemotional, can work on women
because they get a little uncertain.
They don't know
what's going on inside of that man
and that mystery and that inscrutability
is emotionally engaging.
I don't make the news.
I just report it, you know, whether
it should or shouldn't be the case.
That's how it is.
And we know that's the case because that's
an enduring subclass of men.
If it didn't work on enough women,
we wouldn't see that trope.
have a friend.
He's married now, but when he was dating,
he treated dating apps like a pure
funnel, right?
It was. Yes. That's correct.
I'm gonna write this many women.
I'm going to track my reply. Right.
I'm going to a B test messaging.
It's like a sales funnel. funnel. Yes.
Good.
Is that the optimal strategy
in today's environment for men?
For men, yes.
We know from the behavior.
I mean, a lot of women
don't even swipe on dating apps.
They just go into the
who liked you page and choose.
It's like picking fish in a barrel, right?
And we know from the statistics
that like a man has to swipe
500 times in order to get ten matches
to get three responses to get one date
and maybe she shows up.
It's a coin flip.
So with men on dating apps,
it is absolutely a numbers game
and you have to take massive action.
If the man is just using
those technologies casually,
he's swiping 1020 times a day.
That means it's going to take 50 days
to get to 500.
that's two and a half months, right?
Is he still did he keep it up?
Is he is he already hopeless?
I mean, he's been thinking about this
and trying for two and a half.
I'm sorry.
A month and a half is even there yet.
So if you're going to use a technology,
you've got to use it correctly.
And for men, it's massive action.
On dating apps.
Nothing works
without massive action on dating apps.
There's other ways to meet women
besides dating apps,
but this is how men have to do it,
for better or for worse,
because the vast majority of women
won't match with you, the vast
majority of matches won't respond.
The vast majority of responses
won't actually meet in the real world.
We know from self-report surveys
that the number one reason
that women say that they're on dating
apps is because they're bored.
They use it as emotional validation
and stimulation.
About half the women on a dating app in
any one time have no actual intention
of ever meeting a man from that app
in real life.
It's a fun thing
she can do in the bathroom
so she can flip through some pretty faces.
She can see, oh, this guy is kind of cute.
That's kind of nice
that he thought that I was cute.
And then she can kind of go about her day
and entertain her.
Optionality.
This is why men
can get upset about these sorts
of realities, these sorts of asymmetries.
But of course, getting upset
isn't going to change anything,
and it's certainly
not going to make him more effective
in the marketplace.
So it's a better idea
to kind of understand
what you're working with
and adapt your behavior
in an iterative process
until you get what you want.
Like, to me,
that's rational. makes sense to me.
And the game is always changing.
Like we didn't have dating
apps really ten years ago.
Who knows what
we're going to have in ten years?
For the man out there listening maybe
doesn't want to go the dating app route.
Maybe he wants to go in person. Right.
And his goal, like most single men
goal is to hook up.
He wants to hook up this week,
right? Okay.
And what the top kind of three things
he should think about
if he wants to hook up this one okay.
Well first of all,
let's talk about hooking up because a
lot of women are going to listen to that
and think that's disgusting and terrible.
They're going to have a lot of judgment
about a man who has
is his explicit intention
to have short term sex with women.
My counter to that
is that everything starts as a hookup.
Everything starts as a hookup.
In today's day and age, sex precedes
commitment, for better or for worse.
That's the room that we're all located in.
The way it works in today's day
and age is people go out on dates,
they initiate a sexual relationship,
and neither one of them knows
if there ever going
to see that other person again.
And the only thing that prevents that from
being a retroactive one night stand
is that the two of them decide
to go on a second date,
but though they don't know
if it's going to be a two night
stand, it's like everything starts
as a hookup until it gets strung
into too many different interactions
over a certain amount of time.
People start to
like each other for other reasons
besides the pure sexual attraction.
And then you're kind of
you have a nascent relationship that can
then be structured and defined, etc.,
but no one defines and structures
the relationship first anymore.
Maybe they should,
but they're they're not going to,
especially when there are options
that are ready to go in the marketplace.
So what are three things.
So there are four ways to meet women.
There are
there is cold approach or pickup.
There are dating apps.
There are social media
and their social circle.
So meeting women in real life is either
cold approach and or social circle.
If you're doing cold approach pickup.
Personally I like to go to like
meat market bars for that.
You know, there's going to be places
in any city that you live
that are really designed
because of the layout of the place,
and they're the hip locations for people
to go to meet each other,
like you should fish
where the fish are on some level,
and there are some people
who think, you know,
best place to meet women is Whole Foods
or I guess arrow on these days.
You know, if that's your type.
Day game calls for a different approach
then night game.
I prefer night game
because people are more or
less there because they want to interact
with other people.
You don't assume that they necessarily
want to interact with you,
or that that interaction means
that it's going
to lead to a sexual experience,
but it's just easier
when people are going to a place
with the intention of socializing.
And I think that's also what really
helped me get over approach anxiety.
One is just repetition.
To get more comfortable with something
or confident, you have to do the thing
enough times that you can trust
that you can do the thing right.
So there's really no substitute
to getting confident with approaching
women
then approaching within a bunch of times.
But I think a lot of people,
a lot of men get anxious because they have
too much riding on the interaction.
It's like it's not in my control.
If she's going to like me, it's
none of my control. She's
going to give me your number, my control,
if she's going to go home with me.
But what I can do is like,
put the ball into play.
I can go up and and break the ice.
And then it's kind of her responsibility
to hit the ball back.
And it doesn't really matter what I say.
I don't have to be funny.
I don't have to be charming.
I don't have to be smooth or risque.
I just have to put the ball into play
as a man.
It's like a litmus test, and she's
going to evaluate me very quickly.
Most likely there's already been
some sort of evaluation going on.
You know, we've kind of like done
the eye exchange across the bar.
So it's not like I'm
totally blindsiding a girl.
Right.
So she has some ideas
and judgments about me.
And if there's still some
if learning, that's probably a good sign,
but I just have to put it into play.
And if she likes me,
she likes what she sees or
what she perceives she's going to,
she's going to make it easy for me.
If I tell a bad joke,
she's going to do her best to laugh.
You know, she's going to try to help me
because she also has a stake
in this potentially moving
in the same direction.
The idea, I think, is
that it's bad for men to think that
they're just like trying to take something
from women that they don't want to give.
that's going to make you feel
kind of creepy and awkward or whatever.
But it's also just not true.
It's like, why can't you have mutually
satisfying relationships?
Like, when I approach a woman, I do so
under the expectation that I can leave her
better than I found her,
regardless of the outcome.
And so that's another thing,
is to define the outcome as that
which resides entirely
within your domain of control.
Like it's not in my control.
If I get the number, it's in my control
if I ask for the number.
And so that's a win in my book.
If I asked, regardless of what
the woman says.
And that's, you know, that's
none of my business really.
If she says yes or no, it's my business.
If I follow my attraction
and I go after what I want.
So far, so good. Yeah.
So Step one fish where the fish are.
Step two is it's a numbers game.
So you have to make the approach
make make the attempt to get yourself
comfortable making those cold approaches
to get over your approach. Anxiety. Yes.
Another thing in terms of these markets,
like I would call it, kind of going
hunting in the sense that I would put
on my suit, go down to one of these bars,
and my goal would be to get like
ten, 15 numbers in an hour or two.
So that's another thing
that men don't understand
necessarily, is if you approach a woman,
it's a 2 or 3 minute interaction.
It doesn't have to.
You don't have to start the date
right there.
You don't have to tell them
your whole life story.
You don't have to do too much
to prove your
your worth or your value to the woman.
It's like it's a little bit of banter
and then you pull the trigger
and then you exit.
And personally,
I don't really enjoy doing this,
which is why if I do it, I'm going to go
and try to get the contact
information of some number of women.
And then I can then see where that goes
over the next weeks and months.
So I don't have to do that
every night or every week. Right.
And so let's talk about that
cold approach.
Right.
How how should a man approach.
Are there one liners like what is that
cold approach usually look like.
Right.
So we're fishing where the fish are.
We're making the approach.
So step one fish where the fish are right.
These women
there's women that are at these bars
and they're okay being approached by men.
They want to be approached.
One thing that men also have to understand
is that it's very rare
for women to be alone in public, ever.
And it's very rare for them to be alone
at these types of places.
They're probably with a girlfriend,
if not 2 or 3 girlfriends,
and that can be intimidating.
I think a lot of women don't understand
that.
I understand that they want to go
for safety reasons
with their girlfriends or etc.,
but it's hard enough to like,
stop a group conversation, single out
most of the women
and just say, actually,
I just want to talk to you. Sorry, lady.
what about about the opposite
ignoring the one you really want?
some guys say that
that's a good way to proceed.
I think that's a little disingenuous,
but there's always,
you know, magic always requires
smoke and mirrors to some extent.
So there's not one way to do everything.
But my point here
is that women understand what's going on.
You're probably not the first guy
to come up and say hi.
You probably won't be the last.
And so when you say, excuse me,
the other girls
pay attention to their phone
and they turn away and they give you
a few minutes of privacy,
and you have your moment of interaction,
and then you peace out.
And then they go back to doing
whatever they were doing before.
So you don't have to be concerned
about approaching women
when they're with their girlfriends.
And does it matter what you say?
that's what I was saying earlier.
In general, it doesn't like don't
there's not a script.
There's not a magic word or a magic phrase
that just opens the doors to heaven.
Right?
It's really more about how you say it
and the the vibe that you give off, like.
The only information that she's probably
going to have about you is the way
that you look and how you're dressed.
And she's going to make some reasonable
extrapolations from that data.
But who knows, right.
I don't know about it's
probably a little nicer here in LA,
but like the billionaires in San Francisco
look like the homeless people
sometimes it's very hard to tell
if you're dealing with a guy who is,
you know, has mental illness
or actually is a founder, right?
And sometimes there's an overlap.
So she's going to go
based on this limited amount of data.
that's like your first bottleneck.
So guys, if you're going out there
and you're not getting much success
in the cold approach,
it's probably with respect
to how you're dressed and your appearance,
how you say what you say
is more important than what you say.
That's the vibe.
Act like you've been there before, and
the more repetitions that you do,
the easier it will be to act that way.
a guy can't change his height,
but he can focus on what he's dressed.
You know, he's doing his hair,
he's cleaning,
he's cleaning up, he's making himself
look halfway decent.
And then then it's about
how he's saying it.
well, that's why
I also find the denigration of,
like, the pickup seduction community
and nowadays, like the looks maxing thing
to be kind of silly.
It's like,
yeah, there are things
that men don't have control over,
but there's a lot of things that they do,
and there's men who are banding together
and saying, here's how
you can improve the things
that you have control over.
To make it more likely that you can enter
into relationships with women.
Like, what's wrong with that?
don't think anything is wrong with
I mean, it
certainly can be taken to dark extremes,
but on the whole,
that's like making fun of people
because they want to make more money.
Like, do you really want them to be poor
their whole lives?
It's like, why?
Why not take action and learn skills to
increase your financial attractiveness?
Same thing goes in the sexual marketplace.
Like you can learn to get better at it.
You can definitely present yourself.
Everyone can be more attractive
than they currently are, period.
And it's not completely subjective.
Like we know
that there are things that tend to work
and there are things that tend
not to work.
Let's talk
about what creates obsession in a man
Oh, from your clinical experience, right?
What actually creates obsession in a man?
mean, the main thing is really hot
sex is the thing that creates obsession
in a man.
Like,
one thing that we're talking about is
the emotional bond.
Like this goes back to the body count
discussion that we were having earlier.
Okay.
So bonding, attaching to each other,
we now know that
that's primarily facilitated
through the neurotransmitter oxytocin.
What is the single most
important event for oxytocin
release in men.
Sex Orgasm in particular.
That's
when a man gets flooded with oxytocin,
which is why the post-coital cuddling
can be so important and why some guys
who don't want to really be there,
they get up
and they don't stick around, right?
They don't actually
want to emotionally bond with the woman.
Maybe they have some, what might
we call it, post
insights, as it were.
And they're not going to stay
in that location.
So this is part of the reason
why sex just seems
to organically be hot and heavy
in the early stages of a relationship.
Like I said, sex proceeds commitment.
Today's day and age.
I actually don't know if I'm going to see
you ever again, but if I want to see you,
then I want to do things that will get
you bonded or attached to me,
because people tend to return to the folks
that they're bonded or attached to.
What's the best way to get a man
bonded to you?
Have sex with them
like repeatedly over and over again
and do the things that maybe he's
never done with any other woman.
I guarantee guys will be thinking about
that years and years down the line.
Like that's the way to a man's heart.
They used to say
it was through his stomach,
but it's actually a few inches lower
and we can be prudish
or puritanical about that.
But then there's going to be
a subset of women who will use that
to their advantage,
and they're going to do that organically.
Like that's the that's the crazy
thing is that women don't have to be told
to have hot, crazy sex with the men
they really like.
They're
they're already going to be doing that.
And that's why men can use
a woman's sexual availability
to him as a proxy
for her level of attraction to him.
If she makes you wait,
if she says no to certain things,
that's probably a bad sign,
because in all likelihood, there's
another guy who didn't have to wait,
and there was another guy
who did get those behaviors.
And it's I guarantee that she's
was more attracted
to that man than to you.
And she will wrap it up in it's like,
I've I've made mistakes, that
I want to take things slow
because I really like you.
That phrase needs to be deleted
from Women's Playbook.
Like no man feels more liked
when he waits for sex.
I guarantee it, the way a man feels liked
is he has to do less.
He gets more for he gets more for less.
Basically,
that's how you know that you feel
that you're special to a woman as a man.
Is that how a man bonds or feels
the attachment?
Is it through?
Its through this amazing
sex versus a woman?
It's more emotional.
it's not just sex, but sex is definitely.
It releases more oxytocin than pretty much
any other activity for a man.
It's.
And the next few are just physical touch
more generally.
So if you can't be actually having sex,
you should be touching holding hands.
Casual touches on the shoulder,
on the arm, smacking our.
But you know, stuff like that.
That kind of playful,
constant physical contact
is actually really good for bonding.
It's very healthy.
And it shows that there's
a strong, strong attachment to each other.
Women also release oxytocin during sex,
but at different times
is generally not with their orgasm.
It's generally like when their
their nipples are stimulated, because
the real main event for oxytocin
and women is is relative to children.
It's not to men.
And that's when a lot of the bonding
occurs, is when the woman is breastfeeding
and the baby's looking up
into the mother's eyes
and the mother is looking down into it,
and they have this unbroken
physical contact.
That's when a lot of emotional bonding
occurs.
In a vestige of that is when you play
with a woman's nipples.
is the one thing a good traditional woman
is consistently doing wrong
in the bedroom?
That leaves her with maybe less of a hold
over her husband than another woman?
I don't know what you mean by traditional,
but what are they doing wrong?
Everybody has the things that they like
and don't like, and that's fine.
And there are certain things
that certain people just don't want to do.
That's also fine.
And I'm not here to argue
that anybody should do things
that they're uncomfortable doing,
or they don't want to do
in order to secure a relationship.
That's probably not a good thing to do,
but in general, it's
probably a good idea
to on the side of saying yes.
Then on the side of saying no,
especially in those gray zones
where it's like,
maybe you haven't even tried it yet,
or you don't even know
if you're going to like it or not.
Just coming down on the
no is probably not great
for the relationship,
like relationships are for or forgiving.
Why go and enter into relationship to
hold back now you don't give all at once.
We've talked about that several times
in this conversation.
That's irresponsible.
You don't do that with your friends.
You don't do that
with people that you might enter
into business relationships with.
Trust is formed slowly over time,
but the ideal is you get to a relationship
that's so intimate and so safe
on some level that like you can
you can give. Why?
Why hold back?
We don't we can't take anything with us
anyway. Right.
And in general,
what makes a
sexual relationship
a sexual relationship is sex.
And I say sex. Sexual relationships.
Because I think that's more honest
than saying
romantic relationships, which is generally
the euphemism that we use.
But I say sexual.
What makes a sexual relationship
a sexual is sex.
And so I think it's a very good idea
to prioritize the quality and frequency
and the timbre of that sexual experience,
in the same way
that a professional relationship
is about money.
most people's cases, it's the only
relationships where they get paid.
Maybe they should prioritize their
earnings in professional relationships.
Now, does that mean
they have to be entirely mercenary?
And the only thing that they consider is
how much they get paid?
No, that's the straw man counterargument
to what I'm saying.
Clearly, people take into account other
things, but it's probably for the best.
The most important thing is,
is income in the vast majority of cases.
And if it's not income, it needs
to be compensated by a series of perks
that are greater than the diminution
in income relative to other options.
Right?
Same thing with sex.
It's like this is the
one place that most people
go to for that experience.
In a in a committed, exclusive,
monogamous relationship,
you are your partner's monopolized
sex dealer.
You're the company store, like
we're going to pay you in scrip
and it is only accepted here.
Imagine that store. We're closed.
Like if you're going to put
all of these restrictions over
where I can shop,
that store needs to be open 24 over seven,
barring some significant event,
you know what I'm saying?
Otherwise,
you might have to pay me in dollars,
which are transactional
in many other locations.
What role does
poor and play in all of this?
What certainly affected things?
I think the main way that it's affected
the sexual marketplace
is that there's just fewer
men in the sexual marketplace.
Women are
expensive one.
And I don't just mean that
they cost money.
It they take a lot of time.
They take a lot of effort.
Most guys have to go through
a lot of rejection
in order to get anywhere with anyone.
Sometimes it might be easier
and safer and more convenient
and less expensive
to get some sort of sexual release
using pornography.
It's kind of understandable
from a rational perspective,
in the same way that women go to men
for all kinds of different reasons.
But one of the things they go to men for
is resources and validation and attention.
And it might be cheaper
and safer and more convenient for them
to get that from social media.
So we have two technologies
that have differentially ensnared
the genders, like men are by far
more likely to use porn than women, though
women are doing their darndest
to catch up, I'll tell you that.
And it's interesting,
because the porn that women tend to use
is far more aggressive
towards women than the porn
that men tend to use,
which is interesting.
So men still are disproportionately
affected by porn,
and women are still disproportionately
affected by social media.
And it's just that these technologies
make it easier
and safer and cheaper
to get what you want.
Now, it might be a simulation
of what you truly want.
Porn is not the same thing
as sex with a partner.
Social media isn't the same thing
as attention and validation from a person
that you actually care about.
Like,
this is something that I learned
as an actor, and one of the reasons
why I walked away from that profession
is that there is a tendency
to just seek applause.
But you, when you're on the stage,
you can't even see who's applauding you.
Like, why does the adoration of faceless,
nameless people matter like it doesn't
but likes?
And those numbers,
they do create an emotional response.
The applause does create
an emotional response.
And it takes a it takes a little bit
to understand that this is kind of empty.
You know, it for most people
don't get there immediately.
So I do think that
the emotional stimulation
that comes from validation and attention
through social media is real.
But is it as high quality?
Is it as good as attention and validation
from somebody
that you actually care about,
and whose opinion matters to you?
Absolutely not.
And pornography
is definitely not a satisfying as sex,
but it's like it's kind of close enough,
I guess, given the advantages
that these technologies afford
according to not me, but millions of men
and women all around the world.
And that's another thing that's
affecting the sexual marketplace today.
You've said being a man has nothing
to do with a beard or hunting or football
or any of that stuff, that it comes down
to two Yeah, a spine and a pair of balls.
I did say that. How to Be a man.
Well, I do think that
and I made that episode before the term
performative masculinity kind of hit
the scene, that there is a kind of
performative machismo to masculinity.
And I think that has become
kind of a stand in
because masculinity has been dismantled
over the last 50 to 70 years.
No one really had to talk about
how to be a man.
It was like patently obvious.
But as that started to get challenged
and to get and to fall apart,
then it became more
there were things that were play acting
that were props or costumes to stand in
for the appearance of masculinity.
And I do think that ultimately
what comes down to being a man
is having a spine, which is in
the sense of you're willing to stand up.
A spine, is what enables you to be erect,
basically to stand up
from the undifferentiated masses
and to say, this is who I am.
And this is really hard to do,
like extremely hard to do.
The studies on conformity
are very, very clear about this,
whether it's the study with the lab coat
where they ask the people to administer
the shocks, or the studies
with elevators
and people are turned different ways, it's
actually very difficult
for people to even stand against
ten people.
That's kind of why that movie,
12 Angry Men, is perennially so relevant.
It's like it was extremely difficult
for that one juror to stand against
even 11 other people.
Most people wouldn't
have the ability to do that.
And that's because as soon as you stand
up, you cast a shadow.
As soon as you stand up, no matter
who you are, what you believe, there's
going to be darkness
that gets attracted to it.
People are going to attack it.
People are going to disagree with it.
Some people are even going
to want to destroy it.
But there's no escape from that.
Everything under the sun casts a shadow.
So the next part is balls.
If you stand up and you cast a shadow
and you start to attract
that kind of attention and disagreement
and push back,
then you have to have the willingness
to kind of put your money on the felt,
to walk the talk.
Otherwise
you're just going to fold back down
as soon as you meet with that resistance.
And I do think that that's
kind of testicular fortitude here.
And I think there are ways to do that
that don't involve gutting a fish
or riding a horse
or smoking cigarettes, or
having 100 women in your,
you know, sexual history
or driving a Ferrari
or having a six pack.
All those things can be wonderful things.
I'm not putting any of those things down
necessarily,
but that doesn't necessarily
make a person a man.
I think what makes a person to the man
is to have a spine,
to stand up for what you believe,
and to have a pair of balls to say,
you know what?
Even though you're pushing back at me,
even though you might
actually want to destroy me,
I'm not going anywhere.
This is who I am.
And that's extremely difficult to do.
give me an example. Right.
Give me an example of is that just a man
just saying, hey, like, you know,
this is what I believe.
Maybe these are some principles I have
and I'm just going to stand by these
and I'm not.
Is that an example
of having a spine in some balls?
Like, hey, here's
some principles I'm going to live by.
I don't care what you think.
I don't care what you think.
I don't care
what anyone thinks. This is who I am.
This is how I'm gonna live.
Is that an example
or what's an example that?
Spine and balls.
I mean, we saw a number of examples
of that during the Covid shutdowns.
I mean, think about how difficult it was
to be
somebody who was opposed
to the mass vaccination program.
These were people who often
were medical doctors or specialists
who were expressing reasonable concerns,
and they received death threats.
They were fired.
They were canceled
from social media platforms.
I mean, and I think that was done
to send a message to other people
so that they don't start questioning the
the program as well.
So I think that's a concrete example
of having a spine
and a pair of balls
is how many people do you know
said.
Wait a minute, I'm not so sure about this
and actually resisted the social
and personal consequences
of that decision.
Probably not many.
Let's talk about female disrespect
in the boss test.
You have a test
for whether a woman's behavior toward
a man is disrespectful, right?
Which is would you say this to your boss
if you wanted to keep your job?
And that's the test
that I have suggested to women,
because I think that oftentimes women
don't even know
when they're being disrespectful to men.
And I've made some episodes on
here are some examples that often fly
under the radar that men perceive
as disrespectful, that women maybe don't.
And so that's the test to women.
Would you say the same thing
in the same way to your boss?
If you want her to keep a job?
And the pushback
I generally receive from that is Orion.
He's not my boss.
And you can even see in that response
that she doesn't
even think of him as a peer.
Like there's it's dripping
with contempt and condescension,
which is precisely where I'm coming from.
It's this, this attitude
that even
if the man is not higher than her
in that relationship, structurally,
this is how men perceive respect.
And why would you want,
I mean, why wouldn't you want to
purge the disrespect from your tone
or from your language
in order to have more satisfying,
harmonious relationships?
It has nothing to do
with who's actually higher than than whom.
It has to do with the fact
that tones and word choices
are very.
That's really
where attitude gets conveyed.
And when a woman
speaks to a man
that she's in a relationship that way,
what she's basically communicating is
I don't have any fear,
for better or for worse,
fear is the basis of respect.
It always has been and it always will be.
I have no fear, because I don't think that
you're going to retaliate at all,
and I don't feel like you're going
to get fed up and leave,
and I could probably do better.
So this is a woman who is operating
from an actual place
of, of privilege and power
with respect to that relationship,
and this is how she uses it.
Imagine being the boss
who speaks in that way to your employees.
Like if she doesn't think
that the man is the boss,
but that she is, well,
what kind of a boss is she?
What kind of who would want to work
for that fucking boss
who talks to people that way?
You know what I'm saying?
So they have to leave aside the
the literal structure of the relationship
and understand that regardless
of the direction, it's not a good look.
It's not a good look to talk
that way to your boss.
And it's not a good look to be the boss
and talk that way to your employees.
And does that female disrespect actually
destroy the woman's own attraction
for that man?
It's usually the other way around.
So the attraction drops
for whatever reason.
And then the disrespect starts.
And what she might be doing,
consciously or not, is
transforming that man into a person
who would be easier to leave.
And what happens from
the man's perspective?
Is it is it just he starts emotionally
being disconnected after that?
Or the main problem that men have is
they think that
women mean what women say.
There are gender differences
in communication
when men are communicating.
The point is
the conveyance of information.
We understand that communication occurred
because you can more
or less summarize the the gist of what
you've just heard back to me.
The key points, right.
So how does this create problems?
A woman might
because she's lost attraction
and has begun to disrespect the man.
She might say something like.
Oh, I can't believe I have to remind
you like three times
I've told you to take out the garbage,
and the garbage is still sitting there.
And so the guy being a guy will listen
to that
might feel a little at the tone,
but we'll say, okay.
The problem is,
I didn't take out the garbage
when trust me,
if that woman were attended attend
attracted to that man,
she probably would have said, oh, you,
you were probably too busy
to take out there. So I did it myself.
Like it would not even be a problem.
Like no one would even be talking
about the garbage
if there was a lot of love and attraction
in this relationship.
But there's not.
And so now
we're talking about the garbage.
But the men think woman has problem.
Therefore, if I solve a problem,
woman will have no problem anymore.
And so this creates this creates problems
in the relationship because the man
it doesn't solve the problem.
If the guy starts taking out the garbage,
the women will find some other thing
that is the issue.
And so the man feels
increasingly frustrated and he's like,
no matter what I do, it's like I.
I pay for everything.
I take out the garbage,
I do all the housework.
It's like, and she still pissed at me.
But that compliance generally does
not improve his standing in her mind,
unfortunately, or for better or for worse,
I should say
women are not attracted to compliant men,
and that's part of the bad boy energy
that we were giving out earlier.
It's like James Sexton said,
you know, the guy who stops at yellow
lights is not going to do
the thing that you like.
Men who are willing to break the rules
if necessary,
who are able to say no
and to weather the consequences,
are always going to be perceived
as stronger and safer than men who don't.
So again, I keep saying that for better
or for worse,
noncompliance tends to be more attractive
to women than compliance.
Which leads to this very strange situation
that you might actually get a woman
to like you more by giving her
less of what she says that she wants,
which is really bad news for kind of
the nice guy romantics out there
who just want to be able to give a woman
what she wants.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Because I sure would like to get
what I want, because men communicate
more directly with respect to their
to the information conveyed, right?
When a man says something to someone,
you know,
to another man, they're taking it
very literally, literally.
He's you know, if you repeat that
back to me, I'm like, okay, he got it.
Versus with a woman,
she may tell you something, but really
there's something else going on there.
And it's or it's, it's it's
not it's connecting with her emotion.
So let's take that same example.
Right. Let's say she's complaining.
Take out the trash. You didn't take out
the trash. Let's say. Right.
The man in
that situation, you're saying
maybe take out the trash yourself.
Maybe give her a little pushback,
but also to realize that
that's not about the trash.
There's something else going on here.
Maybe let's work on the attraction.
Maybe let's work on the seduction.
Maybe let's work on stimulating her
emotionally or these other core
things of the relationship.
And then if I work on those
and we can get back
to a good place over here,
she won't complain at all.
Says a woman who is very attracted to
a man does not complain, period.
So if a woman is complaining.
She there's attraction problem somewhere.
just physical, it's the emotional.
Yes, yes, but physical helps as well.
Let's not sweep that under the rug
because it's somehow superficial
or not as noble
as the emotional component.
So if men
use communication
as the conveyance of information of ideas,
women tend to use communication
as a conveyance of emotion.
So this woman was the actual
intention in this hypothetical situation,
is that she was not actually trying
to communicate about the garbage.
The garbage just happened to be the
at hand
vessel, the container for something else.
And that's something else
was I'm frustrated.
And beneath that frustration is probably
like I don't feel appreciated enough.
I don't feel heard.
And because I don't feel heard,
I feel disrespected.
That might be
what she's trying to say in
belittling the man about the the garbage.
And if the guy responds at the garbage,
not at the level of the emotion,
then we have ships passing in the night.
So what you could do,
and this is hard to do.
I mean, I'm a therapist and it's it's
not always easy for me to do.
So it's it's tough for the average guy.
But to understand that it's the tone
that really is the communication
with women more than the semantic,
factual information.
And to
if you're not sure where to go as a guy,
a great first
move is just like reflection.
And it's better to reflect on the tone
and be like, oh,
you sound, you sound frustrated.
She's going to go, I am frustrated.
It's like, yeah,
I can hear that, man, that sounds like
what's going on inside of you.
It's like, I, I told you three times
and it's oh, so you told me so.
You must feel like I don't listen to
you right now.
Yes, you get it.
And so generally what happens
is that as you start to decode
the emotional communication,
people get quieter.
Unfortunately, when people don't feel
heard, they get louder.
And it's not really a volume problem
in the vast majority of cases.
So that just escalates the situation.
But it seems to be human nature to do it.
But as you correctly identify
the emotional component,
then people generally settle down, both
men and women.
It's a great way
to de-escalate the situation.
How do you let go of someone
after a relationship ends?
I think you may have said you had a mentor
tell you something.
I think I just watched, actually,
one of your videos on this around,
there's a breakup and completely
not looking at their social media.
And what's the best method, right?
You've broken up with someone and you kind
of want to you want to let someone go.
But it's hard because maybe that person
broke your heart.
Maybe they were your first true love.
Maybe.
Maybe it's really hard.
What's the best way?
Oh, it's it's very difficult
to get over somebody, especially
if they ended the relationship
against your wishes.
That can be very difficult.
In general,
there are two ways to change emotions.
According to behavioral psychology.
There is exposed to
and there is extinction.
Exposure is a great way
of getting over phobia.
It's like you have a fear of pickles.
Great.
We're actually going to put you
in a barrel of pickles until you melt
and scream and cry and dissolve your ego,
and then realize that you're
going to live, and that while pickles
might not ever be your favorite thing,
they're probably not that bad.
It's an extremely intense,
uncomfortable situation that's called
flooding, that type of exposure.
But it's also over in like 20 minutes, and
that can
actually cure phobias permanently.
No one wants to do it, of course, because
it's really, really emotionally painful.
But it does work.
With respect to getting over a partner,
my preferred method is extinction.
Generally it's no contact,
which is you don't call,
you don't text, you don't write them
letters and send them.
You can write letters,
but don't send them.
Sometimes writing a letter helps
to clarify your own emotional process.
that extinction? Is that
you're still thinking about the partner
if you're writing them a letter?
Yeah, sometimes things have to get big
before they get small.
Like there's always little asterisk
ness to everything that I say.
In general, people hold on to things
because they have unfinished business
most generally, and journaling
or writing a letter, but not sending it
can be a way of disentangling
one's own unfinished business,
especially if that person isn't around
to resolve it with you.
Ultimately, closure is never something
that someone gives you.
It's something that you give yourself.
Closure is when you decide to let it go
and and letting it go is.
It's like a physical letting go.
It's like it's actually a relaxing
this is a clenching.
Letting go is a relaxing. You do less.
And in some level, the best way to let go
of somebody is with love,
because all negative
emotion tends to bind you more closely
to the lost object love.
Real love, which I define
as sacrifice for the benefit of the other.
It's like
it thinks nothing of itself
and only wants what's best for the other.
That's why it's like
if you love something, set it free.
On some level.
That's love.
Love has no cage, love is a garden.
It's not a flower in a vase.
It's like let, let things grow.
Let them be so you don't contact them.
You don't hang around their usual cafes
hoping to bump into them.
We have no contact,
but that's just kind of the first step.
The second step is more important.
It's you don't have contact
with the cognitive object of that person,
which means that you're not rehearsing
the memories of the best times
that you had together.
You're not fantasizing about what they're
doing now or who they're doing it with.
You're not going through the picture
role of your relationship.
You just take a full break
from this person psychologically. And.
Over a
long enough
timeline that tends to diminish
the emotional salience of that stimulus
until you might be able to get to a point.
Ideally, we don't really feel anything
at seeing your ex
holding hands
with somebody new one way or the other.
Possibly you might even feel
happy for them, and you'll also
be able to do that if you yourself,
in the intervening time, have succeeded
in entering into another relationship
with somebody who is a better fit for you.
And ultimately anybody who doesn't want
you is not perfect for you.
Dude, like that should be
one of your criteria for your perfect
soulmate partner
is that he or she actually wants me.
I can't see how someone could be perfect
and not want you for you, you know?
Do you believe in soulmates? No.
But you know, I'm using language
that other people use
because it seems like, you know,
we talked about settling a little bit,
which is, you know, there's
a woman out there and she's 30 years old.
And yes, in the perfect world,
she wants a man
that's tall and he's handsome
and he has a six pack,
and he's financially successful
and he's great in bed,
but she goes out on the dating marketplace
and she, you know, there's a guy
that has a couple of these things,
and there's another guy.
He has these other two things
none of them have at all.
And so is she just settling, really
I mean, we all settle eventually.
The idea that Aphrodite is going to sit
next to you on a bar stool
on a Tuesday night
and just hand you a relationship is
a fantasy.
So everybody settles,
but it's for everyone to decide
where to draw that line.
The hard part is when you get around
70 to 80% of what you want.
Why is that the hard part?
You would think that that's from people
dating there in the 30s.
40s that's that's what it's good enough.
Right?
Well, that can be difficult
for those women in particular in the 30s
and 40s that you described. Why?
Because they were likely more attractive
when they were younger,
which meant that they were able to engage
sexual relationships
with potentially more attractive men.
And so now they have a memory
of what they could get,
and they're anchored at that point,
which might make settling for somebody
in their 30s or 40 who has less than that
even more frustrating, right?
If you've never had that,
it might not be as hard, but if you did,
then it's
going to potentially really hurt, right?
Because it's a you actually touched it.
It was a real reality.
It wasn't just an ideal that gets
compromised away given the realities of
the sexual marketplace.
Right?
I say 78% is tough because if it's less
than that, it's pretty clear.
No, I'm just not getting enough
of what I want here.
If it's more than that,
it's a very clear. Yes.
This is amazing.
Wow. You're almost entirely
what I want in a man.
In a woman.
It's it's in the middle where you're
getting some of what you want.
That's tough.
That's like standing on 16.
In blackjack.
It's really hard to stand on 16.
this is the tricky part
is getting some of what you want.
And nobody gets everything.
Everything is a trade off.
And that might be part of growing up.
That might be part of maturing.
But ultimately people on some level
are about as mature as their circumstances
allow them to be.
And if one of those partners,
even after years of marriage,
suddenly had a significant life change,
maybe they become very wealthy
or very famous or very successful,
that will open up
an entirely different tier
of the sexual marketplace.
And then.
You know, that
spouse, that partner will now have some,
some work to do to keep that person.
I've made a couple episodes about
what men and women should do,
especially in their 20s.
I suggested that men
try to find their ugly duckling,
and I suggested that women
try to find their dark horse.
A dark horse is a horse with bad odds
that actually goes on to win the race.
The issue with respect to the sexual
marketplace is that women tend to wait
till the race is over, and then try with
all the other women to secure the winner.
But it's unlikely that she, as any one
woman, is going to beat out
all of her intersectional competition
for that winner.
But before the race,
especially if the odds are bad now
you have potentially unobstructed access
to a future winner.
The issue is, of course, who knows what
happens when the race is run,
and to
be able to pick a good dark horse,
you actually have to know about horses.
You know,
you have to know about their pedigree.
You have to know about their four locks
and their teeth or whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
So like women in my metaphor
need to get better at
knowing about men.
They have to know, like what makes for a
good man who can actually go the distance.
It's like picking an undervalued stock.
It's like it's hard to do.
But the analysts who do it
are wildly successful.
Now, the major pushback I've gotten from
that piece of advice from women has been,
that's all well and good old Ryan,
but one a lot of most horses don't win.
It's like, yeah. Fair enough. That's
that's in the episode.
But two, even after you win, once
that man wins, you might support him
throughout all the years of the race.
And and then as soon as he arrives
and successful, he'll leave you for the 20
year old.
And I'm like, that is fair.
That does happen.
But my rebuttal to that is it's always,
always, always easier to keep a castle
than to conquer a castle defense.
If defense and offense is equally matched,
defense wins.
Like the default is the default wins.
Offense has to be more offensive than the
defense is defensive for offense to win.
Right?
So yes, a wildly successful man
will be exposed to a different tier
of the sexual marketplace.
But you, as the woman who stayed with him
and knows him and has intimate contact,
you can gatekeeper. You know this guy.
There are things that you can do
running defense that the woman
who might be trying to poach him can't.
So it's still a privileged position
to be in.
what are those things she should be
looking for in that dark horse?
Right.
You know, maybe. Is it he's ambitious.
He's ambitions a big one six pack,
but he's working on his health and fitness
or what are those things
that she should be looking for that, that,
that will give her what she wants
long term.
But he's not there yet.
Well, you said the key
word there at the end long term.
So there's really only
a need to
think about the dark horse
if you have some distance to travel,
which means we are talking
about long term relationships.
And so a woman has to be
in that mindset to begin with, which might
actually be the biggest obstacle
in the sexual marketplace
is that there's very few 21 year
old, 23 year old women.
They're out there, but they're
they're becoming fewer and farther
between who are like, I need to find a man
to settle down with and have a family.
Most of the time in the 20s,
they're thinking about their education.
They're thinking about their careers,
where they're thinking
about collecting experiences,
either going to parties
or traveling around the world,
or going to Michelin star restaurants,
or just like riding all the rides as I
as I put it.
And there's nothing wrong with that
except that it might in some way impact
her eventual long
term goals once she hits her 30s,
because now her SMV isn't quite as high
as it used to be, in most cases
not in The Ugly Duckling,
which was the male equivalent of the dark
horse. Right?
So she has to be in a place
that she's looking for
that if she's not, she could be faced
with the most loyal, kind,
devoted,
hardworking, future successful husband.
And she's just it's pearls
before swine, right?
So industriousness is a big one.
So unless he's a trust fund
at 2021, he probably has nothing.
Okay, well, dude,
if you have nothing, then
at the very least,
you have to have a vision.
and women have to get better elsewhere.
Evaluating the vision.
Because I swear, I think most women
go through a musician phase.
Musician music is great
because it just cuts
to the emotional reality,
to the quick. And that's
what works with women is stimulating
their emotions like we discussed.
But the guy could be broke
and living in his parents basement.
He might know three chords on a bass,
but he has this dream of like selling out
Sophie or whatever and his name in lights.
And you know, if she is attracted
enough to him, she's going to buy into
that dream as well as a stakeholder.
He painted a vision of the future
and connected the dots from where
he wants to be to where he currently is.
Right now, a woman could do some due
diligence over the likelihood
that any one musician
is going to end up in that situation,
and they eventually kind of,
you know, the months go by,
maybe the years go by
and the guys still on the couch
and who knows, right?
But if you don't have anything,
you need to have a destination
and you need to have a plan
for arriving at that destination.
If you're a young man,
you don't know what to do, where to go.
That means
that you haven't chosen a destination
if you know where you're going.
The route is obvious.
I knew I was driving down to LA.
There was like two different routes
I could go.
I chose the more scenic route
because I enjoy it, but that's it.
You know, I'm not going to go north.
So once you have the destination in mind,
then it's actually
fairly straightforward to work backwards
from there to where you currently are.
And that should be your plan.
It probably will be best
if the man doesn't yet
have a great deal of optionality
on some level.
Like once a guy gets a taste of that
same thing with women.
You know,
I did a consultation with a guy recently
who entered into a relationship
with a woman who had over
a million subscribers on TikTok
and a million subscribers on Facebook.
I'm sorry. Instagram.
So she was
she was very physically attractive.
But this woman, I mean, she was cooked
like there's probably
no way that any one man,
no matter who that man is, is going
to be able to provide enough attention
and validation, as millions of men
possibly could.
Like the
I wouldn't say an average woman,
but like an above average woman
in terms of attractiveness
can now get more attention and validation
every day than like literal
empresses got in their lifetimes
through social media.
It's it's cooked in the same way
that players are cooked
when they have body
counts of hundreds of women.
It's like it's going to be very difficult
for them to to say,
you know, I'm just going to settle down
with one woman, and they only do so
when they become so sick of that
that they just can't take it anymore.
And so they had to like,
make it big before it contracted small.
You're saying she's cooked
because she's getting so much attention
from these millions
or hundreds of thousands of guys
on every single post, that this one guy
is not going to be able to fulfill
what she's she's getting there.
And then what did you tell your client?
You tell your client like, this is
she might not be the best option for you
because well, they broke up,
but he was still pining for her
because she was very attractive.
And I asked him, I was like, was that
the hottest woman you've ever been with?
And he said, yes, and that's hard.
But, you know, I said, if you can get one,
you can get another like you already have.
If this isn't hypothetical,
you already have the demonstrated ability
to enter into a relationship with a woman
that you perceive as that attractive.
So if you can do it once,
you can do it twice.
Is there a belief
you held, let's say,
ten years ago, about relationships
that you've completely reversed on
almost everything?
I mean, I am a recovering romantic.
I, as a young man had a lot of love,
but not a lot of skill
with respect to communicating that.
And because I was also
kind of a little strange,
you know,
I kind of marched to my own beat.
I still, due to some extent,
I didn't have a lot of experience
with women as a teenager
and a and I
so where did I go for information?
The movies, popular music, books
and what always works in those movies?
The guy makes a grand gesture.
The guy demonstrates that he loves
that woman more than that rich asshole
corporate executive who never wants
to spend time with her on the weekends.
It's like I thought that
that's what you needed to do
because that's what women wanted.
And when it didn't work, my undeveloped
brain thought, well, that it didn't work
because you didn't do it enough.
And so, like,
my strategy was just to to do
a grander gesture for the next time,
you know, I doubled down on my strategy.
Right?
And it was only in my early 30s
that I got to the point where I realized
maybe my fundamental assumptions
here are not correct.
Maybe I don't know what women want.
Maybe I don't know
what makes relationships work,
because if I did,
I probably would have more success by now.
And so that was the turning point in me
reevaluating pretty much everything
about women and dating and relationships.
But yeah, I've been wrong
about pretty much everything.
That's how I might be right about it
now is like I've had to learn everything
the hard way of my Okay, last one,
there's a man out there right now.
He's 30 to 45 years old.
He's struggling with dating.
I want you to give your you know,
you're an expert at what you do, right?
I want you to give your single best piece
of advice.
And separately,
a woman in the same position.
She's 30 to 45. She's dating.
One piece of advice for each.
The man in the woman For men.
On some level, it's forget the woman.
The best
dating advice for men
tends at the highest level
to synthesize with self-improvement.
The best dating advice
for men is self-improvement.
Most generally,
can you make your finances better?
Can you make your health and fitness
better?
Can you make your fashion better?
Maybe you need a better haircut,
like ask your gay friend
or your sister or something like that.
Can you get better
at having a conversation?
What are your social skills like?
Don't think of these as traits
that some people are born
with and other people's aren't.
Think of them as skills that you can
learn.
might take some time, but at some point,
just like a foreign language,
you cross over from being a student
to someone who's fluent,
and that becomes
part of who you are, right?
In this sense, at the highest levels,
just be yourself,
which is that perennial dating advice
for men actually makes sense.
But you have to be the self
that has done all the work
to effortlessly integrate
all of these relationship and attraction
skills so fluently and effortlessly
that they become who you are.
women, they're 30 to 45
and they're having trouble.
not in a relationship. They're dating.
One piece of advice.
The best piece of advice for a woman
listening.
You're not positioned correctly.
So that could be.
They also need to work
on their attractiveness.
Like maybe they need to lose weight
just putting it out there.
Maybe they need to start dressing
for the male gaze.
Just putting that out there.
It's like you have to give the customers
what they want on some level,
and there are things that women
can manipulate within their comfort
and their preferences that will make it
more likely that men will attend to them.
But still, even in today's day
and age, men are expected to approach.
So if you're not getting the attention
that you want from the men you want,
then you're not in.
You're not around the men
that you want to be approached by.
You don't have to be passive.
Women can hunt in the sense
that they generally can pick
a specific man and say,
that's the one that I want to talk to.
That's the man that I want to go home
with,
or that's the man
I want to have a relationship with.
If you're a man, maybe,
but you probably have to go
to a whole bunch of women
before you find somebody
who maybe will give you a chance. Right?
And the gates to that is sexual access.
So again,
that is something that women are going
to have different levels of comfort with.
But as I've said on the channel,
that's the Trojan horse
that causes men to open the gates.
If you can prevent present an attractive,
hassle free, fun,
satisfying sexual relationship to a man,
he's probably going to say yes.
now you've solved the access problem.
That doesn't necessarily mean
that he's not going to
throw you out in the morning,
but you have to be in to be thrown out.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So that's a different problem.
The next problem is how do you stay there?
And you stay there
by being useful to the man.
You look around and you see what
this guy about, what's his mission?
What is he trying to accomplish?
How can I help?
Because if you could get there with that
guy, chances are
there was a bunch of other women
who can or would get there as well.
How are you going
to differentiate yourself from that?
I ultimately, why does a man
who's has a lot of optionality with women,
why does he ever settle down
with one unpopular opinion?
But this is why.
Because it becomes too
difficult, inconvenient, or expensive
to extricate that woman from his life.
For that to occur, that woman
needs to have infiltrated his life.
And the only way she can do
that is by assuming real responsibility
and by discharging actual use.
So rather than think of requests
from a man as unpaid labor
or onerous,
see it as an opportunity for a promotion.
I mean, think about that attitude at work.
You want to get promoted by your boss.
He hands you a big new project.
Are you going to complain?
When are you going to say thank you?
Because you understand that
this is your opportunity to demonstrate
that you have the competence
and the capacity
and the skills to move to the next level.
It just depends on your intention.
then find your scene.
If you like a certain type of guy,
find out where they hang out.
Maybe there are social clubs,
pickleball courts,
run clubs
where where are they circulating?
And then make yourself a regular there.
People want what they see every day
so you can date around the scene.
And then once you find, okay,
I like what's going on here
and I like the people
I'm interacting with.
Make yourself regular.
It will only be a matter of time
if you've positioned yourself properly
before things start to move.
What is the future of dating
and relationships look like?
Are we going to see a.
robot relationship?
You know, we already are.
We already are.
People are marrying. AI is in Japan.
It might have started here already,
you know, I guess it would be kind of a
performative marriage here,
not a legal one.
I think the same thing in Japan.
But yes, it's wild right now.
It's hard to predict
what's going to happen
in in our next year, let alone
what's going to happen in ten.
But yes, AI and robotics are going to
change the sexual marketplace entirely.
I made an episode about this.
Everyone,
whether they're single or married,
their strongest intra sexual competition
within five years will be an AI.
really, It will not be a human being
relationships with People already are.
I mean, there's been more than one.
I don't know, man.
Maybe there's been more than one
documented case of people falling in love
with ChatGPT, and that doesn't even
have an image associated with it.
But how does that happen
when, let's say as a, as a male,
you're you're, you know, the oxytocin
where this is, we're looking for sex.
If you're looking for sex,
how are you getting sex out of an AI?
Oh, I, I don't know for sure,
but how do you get sex out of an AI?
There are virtual reality pornography
that are filmed in such a way
that you put on a immersive head visor,
and you have a first person
view of whatever is happening to you.
With the advent of AI,
you could film that once
and then swap that
with an infinite number of skins
to make that woman exactly
how you want her to look,
to change the tone of her voice.
It will have a memory
just like Claude or chat.
It'll know your name. It'll know
what you like and what you don't like.
It will give you everything that you want
and nothing that you don't.
And especially if this is hooked up
with some kind of tactile device
which those already exist as well.
I mean, that's going Fleshlight?
What are we talking?
probably a more advanced Fleshlight.
So a Fleshlight I think
is just a soft canister on some level.
But yeah, you could have things
that pulse in time with the video.
I mean it's and people will say,
well that's pathetic. The.
Yeah, but it's going to become more
and more convincing.
And so it's going to trap more
and more men,
especially as the price of dating women
gets higher and higher because women have
just functionally disqualified the vast
majority of men from consideration.
And so men can say, well,
I could do the hard work
of becoming a high value man
over the course of 10 to 15 years.
And maybe it works
and maybe it doesn't work.
All right,
here's another two bucks
and I'm going to get a new fantasy.
I mean, it's like a brave new world
where everyone went to Feelies
and it was a full immersive
pornographic experience.
But to be honest, the people who are
falling in love with AI are not men.
They're women.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why do you think that is?
Because what does chat provide
that emotional stimulation.
Not necessarily stimulation
but it it it's the biggest co
in the history of humanity
Co in like codependent cosine.
It's like you are always right to chat.
Unless you explicitly instruct
it repeatedly to challenge you.
It's going to take your side
no matter what.
Your version is the only version
it will ever know, and it will tell you
exactly what you want to hear,
which creates an emotional echo chamber.
So the women feel heard,
they feel validated,
and they begin to fall in love
with that experience.
And it does so uniquely
for that individual person.
So yeah, that's happened repeatedly.
Repeatedly.
This is a crazy new world
we're living in. it is.
But it goes to show that these are
the things that men and women
differentially want.
And if they can't get them
from other people, they're going to find
other solutions to those problems,
because they're not going to stop wanting
the things that they want.
Doctor Orion,
thank you so much for being on the show.
Well, this was great, man.
Thank you for the opportunity
to come and share
some of my ideas
with your audience. Thank you.