Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
Hey humans, welcome to Conversations with Thomas. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan,
pronouns are he and him. I'm blessed to be recording this on the sacred lands of
Hawaii, the ancestral home of the Kanakamali. I offer deep respect to the original
stewards of these lands, whose wisdom, Resilience and aloha continue to shape this
place. Welcome back to Conversations with Thomas, where we trade performance for
presence and perfection for something far more interesting, the truth. Today's
conversation is about pain, not just any pain. I'm talking about those persistent,
pokey, emotional bruises that keeps showing up like uninvited guests at your inner
dinner party. I call them pain points, and if you've been wondering why certain
patterns, thoughts, or relationships keep cycling back like a bad retro trend,
this episode is for you. Pain points to your power. What's a pain point,
really? A pain point isn't a one -time sting. It's that reoccurring ache,
emotional, energetic, or rational that whispers or sometimes screams. Something here
still hurts. It's not always obvious. Sometimes it's stressed up and people pleasing.
Oftentimes it's hiding behind your inner overachiever. It's the part of you that
keeps trying to prove, or like me avoid, Or, like me again,
outrun what I've been too tired to name. And listen, this isn't about blame or
navel gazing. This is actually about power, and let me explain. Because your pain
point, it's a portal, a deeply intelligent signal from your soul saying,
"Here's where your healing wants to begin." So, how do we find it? Let's walk
through it. Step one, look for patterns. Pain often repeats itself until it's
witness. Ask yourself these questions. What situations keep activating strong emotional
reactions in me?
Where do I end up again and again, even when I swear "I'm doing things
differently,"
and whisper this one, "What do I avoid, but can't seem to escape?" These questions
are mere invitations, not interrogations, be kind as you ask them.
Because patterns don't mean you're broken. They mean there's something you haven't yet
resolved.
If you're noticing a theme like abandonment, invisibility, control, or rejection,
I want to invite you to write it down. Naming the pattern is the first way to
interrupt it. Here's the science to back this up. A study from the American
Psychological Association found that unresolved emotional pain, especially, especially
from childhood, tends to reproduce itself through behavior until it's acknowledged.
In other words, what we don't heal, we often reenact. Neuroscientist Dr.
Lisa Feldman Barrett also reminds us, "This is actually really cool. Your brain isn't
trying to make you happy. It's trying to keep you safe by predicting what's
familiar."
That's that's that's old and unprocessed. It becomes a default setting Not because it
has any truth connected to it But simply because your brain knows it because it's
known your job Isn't to shame the pain? It's to see it with new eyes step two
Listen to the inner critic. We all have one The loudest voice in your head Often,
the most wounded one. So here's your next clue. What do you harshly judge in
yourself? What are you terrified? What are you terrified others will find out?
Your inner critic isn't just mean. It's trying to protect an old, tender place
inside you. But protection isn't the same as peace. So,
when your critic is loud, ask this, "What pain is this voice trying to cover up?"
Behind most shame is a pain point, waiting to be held, not fixed,
not solved, held. Here's an exercise to support you in finding a pain point.
You You may need a notebook, or if you're at a level of tech I'm not at,
maybe open up a voice memo and answer these three questions. The first one.
What's one pattern in my life that causes me pain again and again?
What's one pattern in my life that causes me pain Again and again.
The second question, what do I believe about myself because of that pattern?
What do I believe about myself because of that pattern? And the third question,
what's the earliest memory I have of feeling that way?
Take a breath, just like I am, and then ask this, "What part of me still believes
that pain is the truth?"
This isn't about digging for trauma. It's about gently noticing the places where your
story got interrupted.
Give that part of you a name, an image, maybe even a voice.
You're not doing this to really relive the pain. You're doing it to witness it and
Reclaim your power from it.
You're doing it to witness it and reclaim your power from it Step three trace the
story beneath the pain That's where the pain always lies.
It's underneath it and This may take some courage. All pain comes from a story,
a story you've made up that is most likely bullshit. Here's a few that are familiar
to me. This always happens to me. I'm not good enough. If I let my guard down,
I'll be abandoned. So when something hurts, pause and ask, "What story am I telling
myself about this. Is this pain new or is it something old in a new disguise?
Most pain points are old stories in new clothes. You think you're upset about a
missed text,
but let me tell you about the moment I realized it wasn't about the friggin text
at all.
A few years ago, Someone I cared deeply about, didn't reply to a text message I'd
sent. Not a dramatic situation. Just one of those "hey,
thinkin' of you" texts that went nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
And wow, did I spiral. I told myself stories. They don't care. They don't love me.
They don't like me. I'm too much. I should never reached out.
But when I paused, and I mean really paused, and got in touch with the part of me
that was connected to that story that happened to be an eight -year -old boy, I
realized the pain wasn't about the person that I'd sent the text to. It was about
me. And more specifically, the eight -year -old version of me I just told you about.
This beautiful eight -year -old boy used to wait by the phone, hoping someone,
anyone would check in, show up, noticed. So my activation was the eight -year -old in
me, not the adult. That missed text poked at an old wound,
a younger version of me who quieted silence with being unlovable. And that's how
pain points work. They wear new costumes. But underneath, they're often ancient.
The gift? I didn't abandon that eight -year -old versed Omicane. I met him.
I created a relationship with him. I said, "I see you. I hear you.
I'm not going anywhere, I asked him, "What does he need from me in order to build
trust?" And I could spend an entire other podcast telling you the banter he and I
had. But suffice it to say, that moment is when my power began to rise.
And of course, it began to rise from the very place that used to break me.
So I got to have it. It didn't have me.
Trace the thread. It often leads you back to the place where your truth got
interrupted. Let me pause here. Bills to pay. Bills to pay. If today's episode hit
a nerve in a good way and you're thinking, "Yep, that's my pain point doing jump -a
-jacks," This is the exact kind of work I do in my heart -centered coaching practice.
We untangle the old stories, get honest about what still hurts, and walk toward
healing with truth, compassion, and maybe a few nervous giggles.
My coaching work helps to heal pain, real pain. Curious? Head to thomascdolan .com.
Schedule a free discovery call by clicking on the "Begin Your Heart Journey" button.
And let's find your way home.
Or, what part of me still feels unloved, even when I'm deeply loved?
Powerlessness doesn't mean you're weak. It means a part of you still believes a
shitty, bullshit story. And that story is that you're unworthy, that you're unseen,
and worst of all, that you're unlovable. And, spoiler alert, you're none of those
things. But the pain point will keep pulling you toward people or places that
reflect that falsehood until you start reflecting back your truth.
James Baldwin summed it up with such elegance and said this, "You have to go the
way your blood beats. If you don't live the only life you have, you won't live
some other life. You won't live Any life at all. Translation.
Your pain doesn't have to define you. But it can refine you. Only if you let it.
Step five. What are you trying to prove? So many of our patterns come down to
this. We're trying to earn something we already deserve. Ask. What am I constantly
trying to prove? What would happen if I stop trying. Your pain point is often tied
to the performance of worthiness, but the truth is, you're already worthy.
You don't need to prove your value, your strength, or your loveability. In that
moment when you stop trying, that's power. Step six,
turning the pain into power. This is cool part. Let's let's land this with something
clear. Your pain point is not here to punish you. It's not proof you failed.
It's not something to hide or hustle your way out of. It's an invitation to heal
what was hidden, to love what was left behind, to reclaim the
You don't need to get it perfect. You just need to be willing to look with
kindness, because the moment you name the pain, the moment you stop running from it,
the moment you say, "I see you, my beautiful eight -year -old little boy,
I'm now listening," that's when it begins to lose its grip. And that,
that's when your power starts to rise. So, before we close, I want to share a
simple practice. At the end of each day this week, two minutes.
Take two minutes to ask yourself, "What did I feel today that I didn't say out
loud?" No need to fix it. Just name it. Write it down.
Breathe with it. Because Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is to let a
feeling have its full voice, even if it's only heard by you.
Because this, your truth begins with your own recognition.
Your truth begins with your own recognition. If this episode stirred something in
you, inviting it a pause, and with me, it certainly stirred something in me.
Let's take a breath.
And if you need to write something down, perhaps you can share it with someone
safe. Or maybe you just get to sit with it. You don't need to rush towards
resolution. That's not what this is about. You just need to stay curious. Your pain
point is not the end of the story. It might just be the place your true story
begins And until next time Keep showing up Keep softening in and remember you
don't have to prove your worth to anybody Your work is to live it this podcast,
and I know you know this, is powered by heart, healing, a sprinkle of science,
and the occasional panic when tech goes sideways. Executive production, that's me,
and my genius husband, Adam Ma, who somehow turns my voice notes and tangled
thoughts into something podcast -worthy. We're basically a two -person studio with
So I'll catch you next episode and remember pain points to your power.