Ep. 22: Managing Holiday Expectations, and Carl Jung Analyzes Ebenezer Scrooge

Holidays can bring out the best and the worst in us. For people with obsessive-compulsive tendencies holiday expectations can elicit more control and perfectionism, blocking the joy we hope for, and inviting the disappointments we dread. But some give up hope completely, wish for nothing, and just try to get through the season with as little psychological damage as possible. We explore all these possibilities, and we listen in as Ebenezer Scrooge consults psychiatrist Carl Jung to try to understand his frightening dreams about Christmas past, present and future. 

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Yes, it’s that time of year again when everyone is supposed to be happy and many people just aren’t. A season supposedly about hope that actually breeds dismay. For those with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, it can magnify their attempts to control and be perfect. And that can be very disappointing. So I’m offering this episode for compulsives from one to ninety two, although its been said many times and in many ways, may your holiday expectations be soulful, gentle and easily fulfilled. Following that, I’ll share with you what happened when Ebeneezer Scrooge, the main character from Charles Dickens’ book, A Christmas Carol, visits psychiatrist Carl Jung to get his dreams analyzed. Scrooge needed to have his holiday expectations raised. Just a bit. The result is a lighthearted look at holiday enlightenment, sure to move you toward the healthy end of the compulsive spectrum.

Managing Holiday Expectations For the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality

Have The Best Holiday ever!

Yeah, right.

Don’t even think about trying to make that happen. Sure, it's nice to try to choose the perfect gift, card, or steamy stocking stuffers, or try to host the perfect meal or party. But bring too much controlling, driven energy to it and you might bring about the very thing you’re trying to avoid: the dreaded disappointment that it’s Not The Best Holiday Ever.

If you’re compulsive, driven, obsessive or Type A, holiday expectations can easily trigger your default defense mechanisms: control and perfectionism. You may expect too much of yourself in trying to make the holiday jolly. Or, as we'll see later, you may give up and shut down, trying to keep it from being gloomy.

Blocks to Holiday Bliss

There may be a lot of moving pieces in your situation, and pieces don't always move the way we want them to.  It's more like the wild and wooly crowds at Walmart on Black Friday morning than a staid and stable jigsaw puzzle with cozy fireplace scenes.

Take people (those endearing but uncontrollable beings that we can't live with and can't live without). They tend to get rushed, rattled, and rude in their quest for gift-giving precision. For some reason they seem to feel entitled to break the rules even more than usual during the holiday madness.  Wait in line? Forget about it. Civility? I'm too busy. Consideration? That's so passé.  And it can make things worse for compulsives if we expect others to honor the rules we've set up in our own minds.

Our rigid ideas about The Way Things Should Be often get us into trouble. 

Years ago when our kids were young and we had lots of family over to celebrate and exchange gifts, I had the holiday expectation that we would go around the room in order and pay attention while each person unwrapped their gifts one at a time.  My fantasy was doomed to failure: no-one followed the rules I had concocted in my own head, and I did not have The Best Holiday Ever. Thankfully, I've since learned to go with the Flow, chaotic though it may be. At least when the gifts are being unwrapped.

But it’s not just expectations about the externals, getting ourselves or other people to behave the right way.  Our expectations about what we're supposed to feel can also cause trouble.

Holiday Expectations: The Pressure to Be Merry

For some of my clients the holidays are, at best, endured. It's a dark time because they feel so much pressure to be happy. This is a different sort of perfectionism: the attempt to perfect our personal mood. The result is a seasonal commandment: I should be able to will myself to be happy during the holidays. To the extent that you can control happiness it's cultivated gently over time, not flipped on like a light switch when the holiday industrial complex tells you you should. The real key elements of happiness are self-acceptance, self-compassion, and gratitude--not commandments and attacks.

We need a new bumper sticker campaign: “Keep Perfectionism Out Of Christmas.”

As I’ve written before, I’m not against attempts to be perfect--just the "shoulds" and "needs" that too often glom onto it. Perfectionism can be used consciously and healthily to get closer to our goals. But too often it’s like a disease that takes over and kills its host.

Abandoning All Hope

But it is possible to go too far in the other direction.

Some people who’ve had horrendous holiday experiences set their expectations at Zero, with the hope that that will make it The Best Holiday Ever because they won’t get disappointed as they always have in the past.

That’s the approach Ebenezer Scrooge took in Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol. "Bah, Humbug!" And in case you don't remember, it ended up being a very harrowing experience. As I wrote in a previous post, his dreams showed him just how out of balance he had become by being so cynical.

Abandoning all hope is really just another way of controlling: trying to manage feelings on the inside by not expecting anything good to happen on the outside.

Disappointing Others

I can see that even if I can convince you to try not to hope too much or too little for yourself, many of you will still be terrified that you might disappoint someone else. The kids! "You Grinch!" I hear the accusation. How can I argue against efforts not to disappoint kids at the holidays?

Easy. I'll argue by suggesting that stressing yourself for your kids is not good for your kids. And, I'll argue that if your kids never experience disappointment, they'll never develop resilience. I suspect that the more pertinent question might be whether you can tolerate disappointing them, rather than whether they can tolerate the disappointment.

Maybe you could give them the gift of your presence, contentment and gratitude instead.

Getting It Just Right

Perhaps this will appeal to your perfectionism in a healthy way: don't expect too much, but don't expect too little, either.

Let's try to let go and enjoy the chaos. You can't make The Best Holiday Ever Happen, but you can allow yourself to appreciate the good elements and focus on those.

Savor what you can. Stay small and simple. Fruitcake? Never mind. I'll take that back. How about music, smiles, and the days getting longer?

Maybe in some small way we can remember and appreciate that these holidays are about coming out of the darkness and a new beginning, about hope, receiving, and giving. Not controlling and perfecting.

If there’s a chance for having The Best Holiday Ever, that’s the best shot we’ve got.

Part 2: Carl Jung Analyzes Ebenezer Scrooge: Archetypal Obsessive-Compulsive and Symbol of Transformation

Ebenezer Scrooge, the curmudgeonly, compulsive money hoarder and eventual hero of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, had some really disturbing dreams the other night. He dreamt he was visited by a ghastly ghost of his former business partner, and by the spirits of Christmas past, present and future, accusing him of being, well, Scrooge. It was enough to frighten him into getting help to understand what the dreams meant. So he pays a visit to the famous psychiatrist Carl Jung, known for his uncanny ability to interpret dreams.

Here’s what Jung had to say:

Scrooge’s Shadow Seen in A GhostJung compulsive
“Now look here,” Jung tells Scrooge after listening to his dreams, and as usual pulling no punches, “you’ve got to take these dreams seriously. You got off track a long time ago and these dreams are trying to set you right. And if you don’t, you’re in for big trouble. These characters in your dreams are parts of you that you’ve wanted to ignore. They’re haunting you for a reason.”

Scrooge squirms in his seat.scrooge compulsive

“This fellow Marley, your deceased partner and the only friend you ever had, shows up as the walking dead clothed in chains. His appearance as a ghost shows what you don’t want to acknowledge about yourself, your shadow. You like to think that you’re free of all the foolishness of the rabble, but you’re really psychologically dead and weighed down by the chains of your own foolish love of money, and the desperate need to control that comes with it. You think you’re smarter than everyone else, but your unconscious is showing that you’ve got your problems too.

Scrooge looks at him like a puppy hoping desperately for a hug.

Missing The Feminine, Beauty, and Meaning
“This young lady Belle, yes, the one that you fell in love with, she left you when your love of money outstripped your love for her. At that point you lost not just her, but your own soul, your own feminine side, the side that appreciates feeling and connection with other people.”

“And remember, Belle means beauty. When was the last time you stopped to appreciate something beautiful?”

Scrooge looks down at the floor, blank and ashamed.

“Right. Just what I thought. You had this idea that you’d provide well for her. But you lost track of what and who you were so driven to provide for, and money became your god. You forgot what was important.”

“Of course you chose money over people. Given what you went through people felt undependable to you and it seemed like you could rely much more safely on money. It’s understandable, but it won’t do. You can’t live alone and stay sane.”

Scrooge nods sadly. scrooge compulsive

Tolerating Too Much Misery
“And this little fellow Tiny Tim. He’s your own wounded, inner child and he’s about to die. I won’t bother asking you when the last time you had any fun was. I suspect that you project all of your disowned desires onto the poor folk who enjoy a dance or two.”

This is harder for Scrooge to swallow, but he’s willing to consider it.

“Dreams don’t tell us what will happen. They tell us what could happen. The real danger for you is that your cynicism blocks any change you might be inspired to make while you’re frightened. It shows all too well in your disdain for Christmas, your scorn for the possibility of something new coming into the world, and for light coming out of the darkness. You compulsives tolerate far too much unhappiness.”

What’s It All For?
“I see that these dreams have frightened you to death and you’re ready to change. But beware falling back into your old habits once the new fear wears off and the deeper, older fears of being let down by people come back.”

“You have a compulsive personality, and you have great potential because of that. You’ve got a lot to give: money, drive, energy, and talent. I suggest that you recall what these were originally meant for, and go use them for something worthwhile. Do that and I promise these ghosts won’t disturb you any more.”

Scrooge brightens up, and, cautiously optimistic, shakes Jung’s hand as he leaves. He walks out visibly encouraged and a little wiser.

Patron Saint of Compulsives and Symbol of Transformation
A Christmas Carol must be the most obvious morality play ever to knock on our door. But despite its obviousness, the story continues to draw us. It’s archetypal. It tells the story of transformation that occurs when we listen to what the unconscious tells us through dreams and other signals.scrooge compulsive

And Scrooge stands as a symbol of that. I think we should make him the patron saint of compulsives because he started at the extreme unhealthy end of the compulsive personality spectrum, and moved to the healthy side. He learned to share his psychological resources instead of hoarding them, to use them for good rather than just to shore up his insecurity.

If we can see beyond Scrooge the caricature, we might see that in some small way we might be like Scrooge. We might not necessarily hoard money as he did, but we may withhold other things needlessly, such as joy, compliments, hope, rest, play, or compassion.

Dreams are just one way that Psyche speaks to us. Change can also come about by listening to our moods as if they were cautionary dreams. For example, depression can be Psyche’s way to compensate for trying too hard to control, it forces us to let go and give up on unrealistic expectations–for ourselves and others.

As Jung said, the human psyche is self-regulating–if we listen to it. And that’s just what Scrooge did.