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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:You guys, I am busted more than busted. I'm more busted than busted could ever be. I'm more busted than that car was after that truck squashed our mom. I'm so busted. You will not even believe how busted am I because we have a towel tail.
Speaker 2:And a towel tail told my therapist that I said at the car wash that sue yourself if you don't wanna listen to the podcast. So now my therapist listened to that. Well, that's that's when connection has hard conversations and problems because we have to talk about that. God was not call her out. She listen.
Speaker 2:Any of you people, you set your own boundaries is not my fireball. Your boundaries, not my fireball. My boundaries is my fireball. Your boundaries is your fireball. And I'm just gonna get one of those fire candies, those big red circles you can't even close your mouth and it's so hot atomic fireball.
Speaker 2:That's the kind of fireball this problem is. If you do not wanna listen to the podcast, it's not my fireball, really. I know that these people are just talking about boring things, talking about crybaby things. I did have a crybaby, five or two of them. I know that.
Speaker 2:We talk about problems we did not even solve yet, and I I don't I don't know why I don't know why if you wanna listen or not, except we are friends. But I'm already not my therapist's friend. But we're on the same team, and I know it. But when I said that, we were not playing part of a team. I mean, us.
Speaker 2:Our therapist was still at her office. Okay? But my butt was not on the couch at her office when I said that. I was not calling her out for not listening to the podcast. What I was saying was for us do not have a way to talk to her.
Speaker 2:If she's not hearing the podcast, we are not going to therapy. We are not journaling because our words used against us. Non therapy. That's a different problem. My Fireball, not podcast Fireball.
Speaker 2:And and so if we're taking a break from therapy, that means our therapist does not even know what's happening to us. And if our therapist listened to the podcast, well, I can pretend my therapist has a Tardis, can go back in time, and know what is happening. But my therapist does not know about doctor who and does not know about the podcast. I mean, they know the podcast. They do not listen to the podcast, which is okay as their fireball.
Speaker 2:And them girls told me, you did not even explain why she said that. Well, I know why she said that. She told us why because we wanna focus on what's in the room and what's happening right now and what we're ready to talk about, not just what she thinks we're talking about. That's consent. That's a good boundary.
Speaker 2:That's healthy. That's why we're on the same team, and our butt is back on that couch. I have to go two times a week. We go and I watch. Oh, man.
Speaker 2:There's there's a dinosaur dragon, something that's green, stuffy, and I really wanna I really wanna play with it. And they they got a sand tray, but it's full of glitter. And I I almost got to play with it one time, but not another time, but I could if I ask. But asking is my fireball. It's not my therapist's fireball.
Speaker 2:My therapist, very respectful, whoever wants to come or what we wanna talk about. And today, I'm not telling you what we talk about today. That's boundaries. But I will tell you this, that today, we talk about some hard things. And, well, we were crying, and it was really hard conversation.
Speaker 2:Then finally, them girls, they said, we just need pivot. And I was like, good job, girls. Them them girls handling their own fireball. I think the first time we went therapy with our first therapist, I think I did all the pivoting by myself. And now I think they do not need me to pivot anymore for them.
Speaker 2:They can pivot by themselves because our therapist, well, she's the queen of pivots. I'm a I I don't even know what you're talking about right now, but okay. Sounds pretty good. And I know that we got attunement means matching means matching your thoughts and feelings. We we got that pretty good, our therapist.
Speaker 2:You know how I know. Because four times in one year, we show up wearing the same thing. That's in colors, the same pants, and shorts, and shirts, and shoes. Four times, the very same outfit, and I think, oh, man. Oh, man.
Speaker 2:This is embarrassing. Who invite you to this party? And then I remember, oh, yeah. It's it's it's not my party. It's your party.
Speaker 2:I'm I'm I'm at your territory even if it's my fireball. My fireball I brought my whole pile of fireballs to the party, and the party is at your office with my butt on this couch. And and it's working pretty good because we're talking about things. Okay. I will give you just one little clue.
Speaker 2:Our therapist said, what if you graffiti the church buildings? Because we're talking about religious trauma. But because I have to tell the whole story, that means explain to you that my therapist did not tell me to break the law, not for real. And we did some collaging and writing on the pictures of some things about thoughts and feelings that I do not wanna see right now because that is my boundary. Also, because it was not my fireball.
Speaker 2:Because I think I can I can I can I can have my church under the trees and under the sky and by the rivers? Right now, I'm at the park, and the sprinklers are on. It's very cool because it's a whole field of sprinklers, and I really wanna play. But Jill says I cannot play because she set boundary because she said here, the sprinklers are the snow melt, and it's not clean. It's just water in the grass, but you're not supposed to play in it or drink in it.
Speaker 2:But in Oklahoma, the sprinklers save your life. You just gotta stop and take a drink or you will die. In fact, listen to this. We got a letter from Kiriye. Kiriye, I'll tell you not her business of the details, but I'll tell you she's not dead.
Speaker 2:And, also, she got a swallow study, an asleep study, and for oxygen, and trying to eat food, and what are we gonna do at the airway, all of those things. So we're almost a preop. But we are not a preop yet because, also, they had to fix some teeth without mess up her palate. Your palate is a roof of your mouth, and some people have one and some people do not, but we are not ableist. You just didn't have surgery for eating so you don't die and for talking if you want.
Speaker 2:But she got half a pallet, but that's no more business of hers. But here's why I tell you about the sprinklers. She wrote us a letter, and in her letter is a poem. And I have permission just to share only the poem. Is that right with you?
Speaker 2:If you are like, I don't even like poetry, well, that's not my fireball. That's your boundary, so just don't listen to it. You can go sit on my therapist's couch and not listen to the podcast. That's what you can do. If you want her some poetry, here's what Kiriye said in her letter.
Speaker 2:She said, spring is pretty. Fall is not. Here in Oklahoma, it's really hot. Me? That tickled my gizzard.
Speaker 2:That's the funniest thing. She she's a funny little duck. So I I'm watching the sprinklers, and it's beautiful, But I cannot go play in them or drink in them because Jules said, do not do it. Do not do it. Don't even think about it.
Speaker 2:Don't now I just you just gotta stay on your sidewalk blanket instead of run through the sprinklers, but my therapist also talk about be respectful in relationships. I think she means be respectful to her, and, also, that people mean to us respectful, and then it's okay to say, hey, you. Treat me with some respect. That's my boundary. If you like it, that's your fireball, and you can take that third, not my fireball.
Speaker 2:So I'm I'm done walking around, and this world's scared of everything. And I'm done thinking, why am I so bad? And I'm done feeling cheated out of oh, man. That bird got worm. Y'all, I just saw National Geographic right in front of me, and it was geographic.
Speaker 2:Woah. Good job, little hopper. Well, so so so you need to know that everything's okay, that I'm not I'm not really cage match with my therapist. Okay? Because I still go.
Speaker 2:And right now, we go two times. We go one time for talk about hard things and do some therapy, And then we go back a couple days later again for two times. And on the second time, it's all about the fireballs of therapy. And it's about how I feel when I have to leave therapy, how I feel about telling my hard things. Well, I feel like it snow melt.
Speaker 2:Nobody even clean. I don't understand it because snow is so beautiful and white. She did not let us make ice cream either. Snow ice cream is so good. I mean, I know you don't eat the yellow snow.
Speaker 2:I know that. I'm not I'm not my first block around here. But, also, also, also, I don't understand why I cannot play in the sprinklers if it's just water. It's gotta be cleaner than those pools we swim in with all them kids. I know they don't get out and go visit the bathroom.
Speaker 2:So what's happening there? You don't even wanna know. But I noticed these things. So how bad could the sprinklers be? I'm just saying it's a thought.
Speaker 2:Also here at the park, you can go in the grass. Oklahoma has a chigger, and you cannot go in the grass. But they do not have it here, so it is not my fireball. Is Oklahoma fireball is not a here fireball? What do you think of that?
Speaker 2:The only other thing I really gotta tell you is on Saturday, Nathan is flying here. We're going to have some lunch, a a lunch visit with all the children. Well, half the children is I can't even count. Half the children, there's just a lot of children for counting them, and they move around so fast. But but remember I was at the playground last time, and I was feel so sad and missing them?
Speaker 2:Well, the pools are open now, and we go visit all the pools, and we're swimming, and we're having so many good times. And Jules learned me how to do the grill, and now I make hamburgers on the grill or hot dogs. And it's it's not as good as a smoker, but it's pretty good. You might like it. So I I learned a lesson.
Speaker 2:I learned a lesson about boundaries and fireballs. And if I'm sad at the playground without the kids, that's my fireball. It's not their fireball. But if they don't wanna play on the playground, that's their boundary, and I can respect it. And, also, it's not really a disaster because a disaster means everything is ruined, and it's all over for good.
Speaker 2:And that's already true. That's a little dramatic, maybe, I think. Some drama in my own head of it for big feelings. But, actually, we can just find a way to work around it and find compromising. Like, I really I really wanna make lace.
Speaker 2:I'm not very good at sing still for one thing. Also, I can't really track it. I just say, woah. I got I got lost on that, but I can't compromise. And holding both for compromise means they have something they wanna do, and I have something I wanna do.
Speaker 2:And, Chris, doctor e said said that's a diagram. I've been diagrammed. I said, I I'm not really interested in diagrams either. If if we have some better better metaphors that are a little more friendly and not so old smelling. So a compromise is kind of the same of holding both, but it's their both and my both.
Speaker 2:We both wanna play together, them kids and me. And, also, we wanna do things we like, and they like swimming, and I like swimming. So we've been having fun swimming together, and it's pretty good. We can dive for things and jumping and swimming underwater and chasing, and we have so many playing. I just I really like swimming.
Speaker 2:It's it's mostly my favorite thing. When when you can't run through sprinklers, it's pretty good deal. But up here, the swimming is cold. It is not warm water. I'm used to warm water swimming.
Speaker 2:This is cold water swimming. So I don't know I don't know what's comfortable at first, but if I don't move and wait till I almost get Oklahoma hot, that's nothing go cool off. And then we have pretty good time. And so that's working for me right now, But then Nathan's gonna drive these kids to Oklahoma because they all wanna be together, and they have to see their doctor and go to the dentist and eye doctor because we're pretty good parents. Even if sometimes it's hard or we worry that we're not good parents, we kind of are sometimes good parents, like, compromise of we'll do some painting things even if we also make parenting mistakes and and and just, you know, make sure you're not dead.
Speaker 2:Get you get make sure your teeth don't fall out. Make sure your eyes are not falling off, some of them. So then so so then there will be some weeks of no kids, but I don't know how many weeks does that take. And some are going to church camp, and I worry about it a lot, but some are not going to church camp. And I'm really proud that everybody decide for themselves because not my fireball, Even also I feel like it's my own fireball of my own, but everyone can set their boundaries because everybody's growing up.
Speaker 2:And if you grow up and you are healthy, we can talk about things. You want to be alone in things, have hard conversation, be like, what you want to do, what you not wanna do. What does it mean if you do it or you don't do it? All these things, they can talk for hours. So so mean talking and crying and talking and all the things.
Speaker 2:But then then I'll just have few weeks. I need all the snacks by myself. I take a nap if I want. I can watch what I want or sleep if I want, go for a walk if I want, swim by myself if I want. And I might miss him a lot, and it's it's a little bit funny that we're not going on the car trip too.
Speaker 2:And, also, we got work, and I don't wanna starve. I don't wanna be homeless. So we have three jobs now, and we're trying really hard taking care of business, taking care of business. Yes. I am taking care of business.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah. I do. And then and then we'll either fly there and drive it back with those kids or they'll fly back or something. I don't know. The dollars of it or the plans of it.
Speaker 2:But that's really all the update is is I did not I I public apology to my therapist. I've I I do I do not wanna be disrespectful, and I understand about boundaries and fireballs. And, also, I don't I don't have any problems with my therapist not listening. I have a problem with us not using our therapist. I mean, bad using I mean, she's just there at our office waiting to give us some therapy, but we don't talk to her.
Speaker 2:We're not gonna get any. So I'm not calling her out. I'm calling us out because I think that smells like avoidance, and we are
Speaker 1:busting. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeak.com. We'll see you there.