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Showing Up Anyway is a podcast about unlearning diet culture, redefining health, and making peace with food, movement, and your body -- without needing to have it all together. Hosted by Coach Adam Wright, an anti diet-culture personal trainer and body-trust educator, each episode dives into the imperfect side of wellness and how to navigate motivation burnout, body image struggles, emotional eating and the pressure to be "healthy". This is your reminder that progress doesn't need to be perfect, and you'll still see progress as long as you show up anyway.
Welcome to Showing Up Anyway,
the podcast for people
who are not perfect.
On this show,
we talk about intuitive eating,
fitness without obsession
and healing your relationship
with food and your body.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to Showing Up Anyway.
Look who showed up - you did.
And I'm so glad that you're here.
You know, today I wanted to circle
back to where we first started -
giving yourself permission
to be imperfect
and I wanted to dive
a little bit deeper
and so, I'm going
to call this episode
When All Or Nothing
Leaves You With nothing.
Now, I'm not going to be talking
about the kind of perfection
where you are just
organized or driven,
or you like things done
a certain way.
What I mean is the kind
that tells you if you don't
do this perfectly,
you might as well not do it at all.
You know, this "all or nothing"
type of thinking.
You miss one workout,
so the whole week's ruined.
You had one meal
that wasn't on plan
and so the rest of the day
doesn't matter anymore.
You're either in or you're out.
That is exhausting.
A lot of people think that type
of all or nothing mentality
is what discipline
and commitment looks like.
Like, if you're not perfect,
you just don't want it bad enough.
But I think that, deep down,
it usually comes from a place
of fear, a fear of failing,
a fear of being judged,
a fear that you're never going
to be good enough
unless you're doing
everything right.
Unfortunately, that really doesn't
leave a lot of space to be human.
I was thinking about the reasons
that we get this way,
and I've narrowed it down to a few.
If you grew up in a home
where love felt conditional,
you know, where you were praised
only when you got straight As
or excelled in something,
it probably has shaped how
you view success as an adult.
When you learn as a kid that
I'm only good when I'm the best
and you grow up, anything less than
excellence feels like a failure.
So, it goes without saying
that something hard,
like a fitness or a health journey,
is going to be
constantly demoralizing
because you can't be perfect
in everything, can you?
You can't eat perfectly
every day, forever.
You can't be active
every single day,
no matter how badly you want it.
It also shows up as
a need for control,
maybe because of instability
or trauma or unpredictability
in your life.
You know, when things have felt
out of control for a long time,
your brain sort of grabs on to
that black or white thinking,
because clarity feels like safety.
And, at one point, that was
probably a survival mechanism.
Splitting the world into
safe and unsafe probably
helped you make quick decisions
and protect yourself.
But now, even small hiccups,
like missing a workout
or eating something off plan,
is going to feel like a crisis.
What helped you back then
might be holding you back now,
and I don't know this one
might just be a little one,
but maybe the fact that
we are constantly inundated
and surrounded on a
daily basis by diet culture,
that might also have an impact!
Do you know what I mean? Like,
if you've ever been on a diet,
you probably know what
I'm talking about.
Modern diets are built
on all or nothing rules.
75 Hard says you have to
follow a strict list of tasks,
random tasks, every day
for two and a half months.
Uh, Whole30 says you have to cut out
all processed foods for a month,
and while you're trying to do
all that, at the same time,
social media is flooding you
with perfect bodies
and weight loss ads.
You see what I eat in a day videos,
filled with neatly portioned meals
and perfect aesthetics and all
that just sends a really clear
but incorrect message about what
health is supposed to look like.
It tells you it's supposed
to be strict rules
and perfect habits and fast results.
It tells you that
slow progress means
you're not serious enough about it,
and flexibility means laziness.
It sucks!
(ADAM LAUGHS)
But I'm not going to get started
talking about those diets, okay?
I want to circle back
to perfectionism,
because I also think there is
a little bit of personality
and mental health tendencies
associated with that too.
So, people who are very type A,
high achieving, uh,
maybe people pleasers
might be more prone to
all or nothing type thinking.
Sometimes it comes from low
self-esteem or anxiety or OCD.
I think the common thread
that connects all of those is
a belief that you're only
going to ever be worthy,
or safe or in control
if you're perfect,
if you have a perfect body,
if you're perfect in your diet,
if you're perfect
in your performance,
which is an impossibly high bar.
Now, let's talk about how
perfectionism shows up
in your day to day,
because it's one thing to understand
perfectionism as, like, a concept,
it's another to recognize the way
that it actually
shows up in your habits.
Probably the biggest way it
shows up is in something called
the what-the-hell effect,
where one small slip up
is really all it takes
to throw everything else away.
For example, let's say you've
been eating well all day.
You're feeling good
about your choices,
you've planned your meals,
but somebody brings dessert
into the office break room
and you weren't expecting that.
Well, you don't want
to miss out, right?
So, you want to have a bit.
But, afterwards, you feel so guilty
that you had something sweet
and broke your diet.
Well, what the hell? You might as
well just have three more pieces
and you can get
started again tomorrow.
Once that line is crossed,
it can feel a lot easier
to just keep going
than to stop and
check in with yourself.
And the same thing
happens with exercise.
If you plan for an hour-long workout
but you only have 30 minutes,
you might just say, "Well,
I'm just not going to go.
"I don't have enough time."
Or if you miss one session
on a Monday, you think,
"Well, God, I missed,
I missed that workout,
"so the whole week's ruined.
I'll start over next week."
Objectively, you can probably
see how silly that is,
but in the moment it feels real.
It feels like it makes sense.
A lot of people struggle
with sticking to things
because the pressure
to get everything right
each and every day is exhausting.
And when those unrealistic
expectations are constantly unmet,
you feel ashamed and
you feel guilty.
I mean, why wouldn't you?
Constantly failing would
make anyone feel bad.
But then you start telling
yourself stories like,
"Well, I just can't stick
to anything."
You know, "I always mess this up."
And what ends up being the biggest
barrier is that voice in your head,
it's really not the missed workout
or the DoorDash meal,
you can recover from all that.
It's the meaning
that you assign to it.
The thought that a single slip up
means the whole thing is ruined.
And when you tell yourself that,
when you convince yourself that,
your inner critic will show up
so fast and so loud
and, unfortunately,
it's rarely kind.
And when your relationship with food
and exercise is driven by shame,
it becomes really hard
to want to keep going.
It doesn't feel good anymore.
And instead of being something
that supports your life
and improves it,
it becomes another area where
you feel like you're failing.
It's not that you're dramatic,
okay?
This is what perfectionism does.
It makes this whole journey
feel like a tightrope
where one wrong move is
going to mean devastation.
And, eventually,
after failing so many times,
you start avoiding
the whole thing altogether.
Does this sound familiar?
Does it feel like your life?
If it does,
you're not the only one.
A lot of us were taught,
if you can't do it right,
you're better off
not doing it at all.
That's what keeps us stuck.
But when you start
recognizing those thoughts,
you give yourself
a chance to shift them.
And that's where
everything starts to change.
You don't need to do everything
perfectly to make progress.
You need something that's flexible,
something you can come
back to when you slip up.
Not a flawless plan,
but a supportive one.
And I'm going to give myself
a little shameless
coaching plug here, okay?
If you want some support because
you've struggled with this,
go take a look at my website.
I am in the process
of revamping it soon
and making it feel
a little more like me.
But when you go there,
you can apply to work
with my team and I,
and I can help you
create a more flexible
and sustainable group of habits
that make you feel more like you.
What do you think this type of
all or nothing mindset does
to your long-term wellbeing?
Do you think it's good for you?
Do you think it makes you tougher?
I don't think so.
I think, ironically, it makes
everything a lot harder.
A cycle of diving in 100% and
then quitting completely means
that you are constantly
restarting from scratch.
Unlike the spiral of healing
where you're making
imperfect progress,
this is a yo-yo pattern,
up and down, that leads to
a lot less improvement
than if you had just been
a little bit more conservative
and consistent.
I've said it several times on
the show so far -
long-term success in wellness really
comes from sustainable habits,
but all or nothing thinking
throws sustainability
out the window.
It's impossible
to sustain perfection.
You can't even get there.
And when you are living
under that kind of tyranny,
it chips away at you.
You feel it in your body.
You feel it in your mood.
You feel it in your
relationships.
If you're a perfectionist,
you probably stay in a high
state of anxiety, don't you?
You're constantly having
to monitor yourself
and be on edge about
potential slip ups,
which means that your
cortisol level is higher
and you're probably more prone
to fatigue and poor sleep,
and you have a greater
chance of illness.
Take it from me - someone
who constantly pursued perfection
on my weight loss journey.
It drains the joy from things
that are supposed to
be making your life better.
I felt discouraged, I felt guilty,
and I started avoiding the
things that I once enjoyed.
I specifically remember
bringing my meal prep to Disneyland
and to the Orange County Fair
on two separate occasions,
because I couldn't take a single
goddamn day to enjoy myself
or indulge even a little.
And, eventually, I started
to resent those healthy habits.
You might find that you do
the same thing.
You do a 180 and you rebound into
even unhealthier
behaviors out of spite.
The TLDR here is that
perfectionism
and all or nothing thinking
is unsustainable.
It creates high highs
and very low lows.
Real and sustainable wellness should
make you healthier and happier.
If you're always stressed
from a journey like this,
you need to take a closer
look at how perfect
you're expecting yourself to be.
The good news is that there
are some strategies
that you can use to shift
towards a healthier outlook.
Hooray! Can you imagine
if I was just like,
"Too bad, there's nothing
you can do here.
"You're stuck forever!"
(ADAM LAUGHS)
So, the first thing that
you need to embrace is the idea
that consistent, good effort
beats inconsistent, perfect effort.
This is a phrase that I learned
early in my journey
that I love to repeat.
It means that doing something is
always better than doing nothing.
You can also call it the
"for the most part" mindset.
If you set a goal to
walk 8,000 steps this week,
add "for the most part"
to the end of it.
I'm going to walk 8,000 steps
every day for the most part.
And if you hit five out of
seven of those days, well,
damn it, you accomplished your goal.
And those five days definitely
had more of an impact
than if you'd done it three
days in a row, missed a day,
and then quit the goal entirely,
right?
If you plan ahead
for a nutritious week
but you ate ice cream
one or two nights, well,
the week isn't lost.
You still ate nutritious foods
for the most part.
Over time, you're going
to prove to yourself
that the occasional rest day or
treat does not erase your results
and that's going to keep you
more sane and more motivated.
It might help to think
about your effort as like
a dial instead of a switch, okay?
So, instead of flipping
between on and off,
imagine that you can adjust the
intensity however you need to.
Maybe a busy week hits,
or you're in your luteal phase
and your energy is really low,
instead of skipping
workouts altogether,
you just adjust accordingly.
So, maybe you don't do
an hour-long workout,
you just do a 20-minute home workout
or a yoga session instead of
a long session at the gym.
If you're traveling and you
don't have a lot of control
around your meals,
maybe you just focus on
trying to get in some vegetables,
even if the rest of
your dinner is not ideal.
All or nothing thinking hates
that kind of flexibility,
but it is one of the most important
skills that you can build.
Adopting a flexible mindset means
that you already, ahead of time,
expect and prepare for obstacles.
Psychologists call this
"coping ahead".
If one of my clients comes to me
and says they're going to be out
of town for work, for example, um,
we'll probably forego gym workouts
and maybe we just focus
on steps that week,
or we have a 15-minute
body weight routine as backup,
or if they have a really
stressful week at work ahead
and home-cooked dinners
just aren't in the cards,
well, we might look at the menu
of a restaurant they like and find
a nutritious option for takeout.
That way we always
have a middle ground
between perfection and giving up.
And, over time, practising
that type of flexibility
is going to train you
to automatically
look for solutions
instead of excuses.
Another thing that you have got to
temper down is your inner critic.
My goodness, some of y'all
can be so mean to yourselves.
You have to start responding
to setbacks with kindness
and not criticism.
Tell yourself, "Hey, one small
slip up does not define me.
"I'm doing great. I'll get back
on track tomorrow."
That's what you'd tell
a friend, right?
Shift your perspective
from judgment to understanding,
and treat yourself with
the same compassion
that you'd give
someone else you care about.
Please start being
nicer to yourself. Damn.
And please start reframing
your negative thoughts too.
If you catch yourself
saying something like,
you know, "I'm a failure
because I skipped my run today."
No, pause, and I want
you to counter that.
Maybe something
a little bit more grounded,
something like, you know,
"I'm disappointed
that I missed my run,
"but one day doesn't
erase my progress.
"I can take a walk later,
if I need to."
If you catch yourself using
extreme language like "always",
"never", "ruined", I want
you to take that as a sign
that your perfectionist
brain is talking
and soften that language -
from "I broke my diet,
I have zero discipline",
to something like, "Hey,
I ate something off plan,
"which happens to everybody.
I'm going to enjoy it,
"and then I can make a different
choice at my next meal."
And, at the same time,
don't forget to actually
acknowledge what's going well.
Celebrating small wins is a
really powerful way
to quiet that all or nothing voice.
Find those NSVs that
we talked about recently.
Maybe that's reaching
for water instead of soda,
or going outside for a walk
when you felt really tired.
These are not just
participation trophies, okay?
They are legitimate proof that
you are showing up for yourself.
And when you start noticing them,
you train your brain to
find success in the process
and not just the end result.
So, you had a donut that day
you didn't plan for,
so you missed a workout that week,
that doesn't mean you failed.
It just means you're human.
And when health feels supportive
instead of punitive,
it really becomes
a lot easier to keep going.
One little thing that I do
with my group coaching,
I say little, but I really think
it is very impactful,
is that I have them talk
about wins and lessons learned,
not wins and losses,
lessons learned.
And I've had clients tell me that
that shift in language
has really helped them start
to look at their challenges
a little bit differently.
It might seem like semantics,
but, subconsciously, it's a mindset
shift from failure to feedback.
So not only do they get
accountability each week,
which is incredibly helpful,
I also help them focus on things
like consistency
and self-compassion.
We use language like
"opportunity" and "practice"
and "experiment" rather
than "failure" or "cheating".
You can ask them - I get after them
when they say words
like "bad" and "junk", okay?
In a kind way, of course,
but I remind them
and I'll remind you
that your journey is
a learning process.
It is not a pass or fail test.
When you apply these strategies,
you are essentially
retraining your mindset, okay?
It's not going to change overnight
because perfectionism probably
has been ingrained in you
for years or decades.
But each time you choose
a more balanced response
over an all or nothing
type reaction,
you are weakening that old pattern
and you are strengthening
a new synapse in your brain.
Those small slip-ups are not going
to trigger a meltdown as easily,
and you're going to start
to be able to find
a more sustainable
rhythm for yourself.
This fitness, health,
wellness journey,
whatever you want to call it,
does not need to be
your entire life.
It just needs to be a part of it.
You don't have to do
everything right all the time.
In fact, when you stop
expecting that of yourself,
you're going to almost
certainly get better results
because you're no longer
derailing yourself
with extreme approaches
and burn-out.
Let me give you a specific
real life example, okay?
I have a client who
is a very busy lawyer.
She has lost well over 100 lb,
totally changed her lifestyle,
sort of the epitome of success
when you think about it, okay?
Um, but there was a point
where we had her doing,
I think, four days
a week of workouts,
and she just could not,
at the time, make that work
because I think she had
a busy trial or something.
But she did not want me
to take that away from her, okay?
She was, like, "No,
I can get them done."
But after a couple of weeks
with her workouts not checked off,
I made the call. I said,
"We're going to back off
a little bit."
And she was a little
reluctant cos, I get it,
it feels a little bit
like admitting defeat,
but I assured her that she
was not doing anything wrong
and I just wanted to
try a different approach.
So, I think we brought her workouts
down to, like, three times a week,
and we shortened them
to about half the length
that they previously were.
She trusted me,
and because she did,
she was able to get almost all
of those smaller workouts in
and she was able to be much more
consistent than before.
She was able to show up
for herself again.
We cranked that dial down
for a little while,
and because of that,
she was able to do more
with a little bit less,
and she felt proud of that.
Sustainable change does
not ask for perfection,
it asks for presence,
for patience,
and for a plan
you can live with.
Thank you for tuning in to this
episode of Showing Up Anyway,
you can find it
for free on Spotify
or wherever you get your podcasts.
And wherever you're listening,
if you like the show,
I'd love it if you gave
me a five-star review,
because that does help other
people find the show,
and hopefully it'll
help change their life,
just like you're looking
to change yours.
If you're listening
on Spotify, though,
you can follow me
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when new episodes come out.
I'm Coach Adam. Remember -
when things get challenging,
keep showing up anyway.