Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Manhood often feels like navigating through uncharted territory, but you don't have to walk alone. Join us as we guide a conversation about how to live intentionally so that we can join God in reclaiming the masculine restorative presence he designed us to live out. Laugh, cry, and wonder with us as we explore the ins and outs of manhood together.
Chris Bruno
Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Restorative Man podcast with Restoration Project. This is Chris Bruno and I am once again here with my good friend and co-host, Jesse French. Jesse, good to see you. Good to you So we are in the season that is at the end of the, not only the end of the year, but for our kiddos at the end of a semester. Yes. And for most of our kids, there will be, and this is different from when I was growing up.
Jesse French
Good to see you too Chris.
Chris Bruno
Okay. But there will be some version, actual paper or electronic, report that their school is going to be providing you as the parents with regard to their progress academically in their classes at school. And yeah, and it is a wonderful, a terrifying or a neutral experience for some children. Okay. Yes. For you to receive their report card.
Jesse French
Mhm.
Chris Bruno
me,
it was an actual literal piece of paper that was sent home and then later it was mailed home. But I would bring it home and I would put it on the counter and there would be no conversation about it. Just knowing it around my report card. And it sucked because I was a really good student and I worked really, really hard and I barely got some notice about that. that was my report card story. So when my kids were bringing stuff home after school and all that, was, and you we'd
We'd have the parent teacher conferences or come electronically or whatever. We kind of look at it and talk through it and celebrate with them and, and whatever. now here's, and I'm sure that's the same for you, Jesse, with your kids. When your kids get older and they go off to college, you no longer have rights. Yeah. really? Because they're an adult and the school would be breaking privacy laws for them to share.
Jesse French
Yeah.
Chris Bruno
with anyone, know, their grades, their progress. So it's completely reliant on the now adult child to inform the parents how they're doing academically, despite the fact that you're paying for college. Right? Despite the- Yeah. level of my financial investment has significantly increased.
Jesse French
Just gonna say that.
Chris Bruno
and my rights to understand the results of that investment have significantly decreased. yeah.
Jesse French
Let's do better in higher education. Okay. So how, how does that go then? Because like, yes, as you said, you're very invested financially, their own adults and like, how have you navigated with that? Like with your kids.
Chris Bruno
Ha
You have to just, you just have to settle for the word fine.
Jesse French
You'll ask, you'll say, how are your grades?
Chris Bruno
Yeah, well, I mean, when kids are in college, they tell you about all the things except for the classes that they're going to. So here's what's happening with my friends. Here's what's happening in my dorm. Here's the extracurriculars. Here's how late I stayed up. Here's what I'm eating in the dining hall. Like all that you hear about all their life except for their classes. And then you literally have to say, so are you going to class? Is there anything you would like me to know about that?
Jesse French
Right.
And then you get a one word response.
Chris Bruno
Yeah,
all classes are fine. I'm done. Yeah, it's fine.
Jesse French
And you just let it be.
Chris Bruno
What else are going to do? Like, how are your grades? What do you, you know, what does it look like? And you could certainly press into that. I have, you can pry and at the end. Well, it depends on the kid. Okay.
Jesse French
Okay. And maybe the semester too, I might wonder.
Chris Bruno
and you know all that kind of stuff so okay yeah it's just a different is a different kind of report card situation ⁓ what's it like in your house well
Jesse French
Yes. Okay.
The thing that I was thinking about was, mean, so my kids still will bring home like the printed paper, you know, deal. the, the thing that is tricky for me is maybe it's just me, but I will look at it. And especially now with our daughters that are in middle school have this sounds like I'm Clint Eastwood and Grant Turino, like get off my lawn old guy. But, but I look at it and so I look.
Chris Bruno
and they have
Jesse French
I look at the report card and they have the classes and then there are these, there's a number that's one through eight. And so I'll look at it and they'll say algebra seven. And I'm like, Lainey, what the flip does a seven mean? Like where is my ABC like letter grade, you know, from what was wrong with that system? And so then she has to convert it for me and she's like, Oh dad, it's okay. You know, like I don't even know it like a six, seven, and eight is an A. This is where, this is where my mind goes. I think, uh,
four and a five is a B. And I'm like, whoa, hold on. How is a four out of eight a B when that's 50 %? Like that's still the mode that I mean, right?
Chris Bruno
Good scale. Yes! Good scale.
Jesse French
So it's the total, they have to explain it to me and I'm kind of confused around it and.
Chris Bruno
Yeah. And the older that they get, the more confused you will be about their school. Because now it's just heading into, you know, math that you learned once when you were that age and have never used again. So it's where random things, history facts, earth facts, science facts, math facts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So good luck on that. know, thank you. Thank you.
Jesse French
At least, you know, I should enjoy the days of there's more to discuss than just fine. even if it's confusing, it's more than one word. I'll.
Chris Bruno
Enjoy!
You actually get a number. get a number. Oh wow, okay. can tell that second is better than six. That's great. Right.
Jesse French
Right.
Chris Bruno
Well, we come to the end of the year and we're wanting to kind of really think through reflecting on our fathering and reflecting on how we have been with our kids throughout the year. And, you know, there's all kinds of reflecting that we can, you know, ask you to sit down and just questions for you in your own privacy with your journal. Just where have I been this year? What have been some highlights with my kids this year? What have been some lowlights? What have been the moments when I have felt most connected, most disconnected?
you know, where did I show up well? Where did I not show up well? Like all those kinds of things are great questions for you to be sitting down and doing in your journal. But we have something.
Jesse French
We do, we do. It's an actual real resource that was made.
Chris Bruno
It was a yes. And it's, ⁓ it comes out of the brilliance of dear friend of restoration project. he started to talk about doing this. He has participated with his kids in many of the things. he was on the restoration project board for a season and all that. we're like, man, that is such a great, great thought and resource that we're, we kind of codified it and put it together. Guys, this is a fathering report card.
And here's the thing is that there's two kinds of scores here, right? And it's not meant to bring shame of any kind. It's meant to bring conversation. A conversation between you and your child or children, maybe even you and your spouse, but just the sense of like, how would you, my child, rate me, your father, as how we have been together this year? And we do have ABCD.
Yeah, thankfully not 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and there's a little bit more clarity on what that might be. So you might need to translate that for your child if they don't know what that's all about. But yeah, we're calling it a report card for dad. so there's that, we're going to unpack that a little bit for you. And then there's a second one that you can choose to use with your child. And this is your child's self-report on how they have been with you.
and just giving them, this is where it's an invitation to conversation with them on how they have been through the years and just giving you opportunities, like I said, for more insight, more clarity, more conversation with your kids and for yourself. So, yeah.
Jesse French
So Chris, such a great resource. Like we've heard from people over the years, just like the, just what you said, the conversation that gets spurred out of this and the connection that can happen. Just some really beautiful moments. But speak for a second in you said, look, we're not using this as some tool for shame, but I would imagine it could be really easy. Speaking for a friend here for someone to view this from a, like a very performative tool, right? Of like.
What, am I doing as a dad in these years, like in these areas to actual get, you know, letter grades associated with different things and, and the potential to put like all of the stock into this and feel the high highs of I'm crushing it here and all of the like, wah, wah, wah in the places that maybe your child is saying, yeah, that's not amazing. What would your invitation be to maybe to engage us in a way that is different than the like.
roller coaster of pride or shame.
Chris Bruno
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think what this is doing is like I said, inviting us to a conversation, recognizing the objective awareness of your fathering does not belong to your child. That what your child will do is a subjective response to these things based on their own personal experience. So.
For you to get grades, ABCDF, in these different categories that we'll kind of go through a few of them, right, doesn't mean that they have the full story, they have the full knowledge, they have the full experience of who you are as a man, as a father. They only have the experience that they have thus far. And I think that's important for us to be able to identify. So it's very subjective. It's just that one child's mind and heart that is responding to these things.
And it's not even the second child or the third child or however many you have. it's not an objective evaluation of your overall existence as a father. It just is giving you a window into this is how my child feels. And as an intentional father, that is something that we need to know. We need to know. And we want to know so that we can understand where they're at and better meet them there.
Jesse French
That's right. That's good. That's helpful. Yeah.
Chris Bruno
Yeah, and the reality is they're grading you. So don't give them this if that is going to be something that will like set you off or trigger you. Or if you find yourself, you know, go through this on your own before you give it to them and ask yourself these questions on your own self evaluation and then see if what you're you're kind of rating yourself as matches what they're rating yourself as and.
and all that. Just like I said, just informative for you to know where the spaces and places that I can grow and be more attuned and connected to my child. Yeah.
Jesse French
And don't you think too, and like you said, we're going to get into just a few of the examples of some of that, but even just the act of saying, if you choose to the act of inviting your child to speak honestly around their experience of you. Like I would say that even just that piece is huge in the sense of like, I'm not ready to say like, I have enough humility and I value our relationship enough to like, I want to hear honestly, and I want to hear the good things and the hard things and.
Chris Bruno
Already, the winner.
Jesse French
I'm not so fragile that like your honesty will set me off, right? So like even just that feels like this massive.
Chris Bruno
Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely. And like I said, I've said a couple of times now, like this is an invitation to conversation. So if your child rates you as a C on one of these things, it doesn't mean, like I said, that you're like categorically a C, but then your question is like that. Thank you for your honesty. Tell me in what ways you experienced that so that I can know where this is showing up for you. Yeah.
Jesse French
where the response of that is so good. response is curiosity. It's not defensiveness. It's just, help me. Help me now.
Chris Bruno
Give me a D in this. What are you talking about?
Jesse French
Yeah, like the question is like, my dad can receive feedback. D. No, why do you say that? Right? Like,
Chris Bruno
Exactly. And we bring that up this month because, you know, this is the month where we're transitioning into the new season and we're reflecting on where we've been. And we already talked about that a little bit, that maybe this should have started in November and whatever. And like, what an opportunity. You're going to get more time, FaceTime, with your kids over the Christmas holiday than you have for, you know, the last several months, in summer at least. even in the summertime.
Right? You are more likely still working. You don't get summer vacation like your kids do. And so, but more adults, more parents get time off at during the holidays. And so you will actually have more time with your kids during this season for you to be able to have the conversations. So, so I want to read a couple of these. All right. So this is the report card for dad. And here's the thing is that your postures, we invite you in this resource that we created the postures. We have three postures here. One is humility.
which is for you to have a teachable spirit and be willing to receive the feedback, even if it's hard, okay? The gratitude, thanking your children for having the courage to share their honest thoughts about how you're doing in these categories. And then the third is affirming their identity and the time by affirming who your children are apart from what they do. So that's something that we just wanna invite you dads to be thinking about with your kids. So, okay. There's like, I don't know how many are there like,
A handful. categories in here. All right. go through all 15, but I'm going to read like seven of them just to give you a flavor of what the kids are scoring you on. Okay. So, um, here's a couple of categories. Dad shows that he loves me.
Dad is interested in my feelings. Dad spends time with me. Dad listens to what I say.
Dad is fair in his decisions. Dad gives me the right amount of responsibility.
Dad admits when he is wrong.
dad disciplines me when I deserve it. Okay. And then a few qualitative things. If you could ask your dad to do three things for you, what would you ask him for? Most likely you're going to get a puppy, a motorcycle, an iPad in that category. you know, at least it gives you an option. Jesse, when I read those out, what do you hear in those?
Jesse French
Sorry.
Yeah, I think it, even just as you read those, like it is inviting a couple layers deeper into the relationship, like beyond what the normal kind of arc of the engagement looks like. So like, it can be so easy, I think, to, kind of have the like pragmatic lens on like as a dad with your kids, right? Of like, what's the schedule? What are the chores? Do you know what I mean? Like kind of those practicalities, right? Operationally.
And like these questions, dad is interested in my feelings. Dad enjoys being with me, right? Like that's diving layers below that into like, what is the actual relationship like in terms of how it is to relate and to connect with my dad and to give some indication around what that experience is in ways that, mean, part of me just even as you say that feels some of the like, man, this rarely gets talked about, right? Like the...
It is, it is such the exception to be able to say, Hey, let's have a conversation around, you know, what's the right amount of responsibility, right? Like, wow, what an interesting thing to actually wonder about and to talk about.
Chris Bruno
And here's the thing is that it assumes, like, so dad shows that he loves me. It assumes that you want to show your kid that you love them. Dad is interested in my feelings. It assumes that you are interested in their feelings. So there is this posture of like, you are actually trying to be the dad that your kids need you to be. And that gives you opportunities to hear like where they're experiencing that well.
in where they're experiencing like, ⁓ that's something that we actually need to talk about. Like the responsibility piece, because when your kid is eight and you've given them eight year old responsibility and then they turn nine and they still have eight year old responsibility, right? It's a good opportunity for you to have that conversation. yeah.
Jesse French
Bingo.
So let's say one of these things like dad admits when he's wrong. Let's say kid is like, Hey dad, you get a D plus on this C minus, some sort of for you, whatever grade that is that feels like, that's less desirable than I want. Yep. Let's talk about that. So again, we're hammering home to like, okay, this is the avenue for conversation. Let us ask our kid not from the defensive place, but from the curious place of like, tell me more about that. How does that show up? Right.
What would some of your invitation be maybe towards post conversation with your child, like around that for something that you're like, wow, okay, that may be, that's hard for me to hear, or I wish that was different, or I want that to be different moving forward. What would some of kind of your invitation or wondering be around how we can continue to engage that issue potentially after that conversation piece with our child is done? I mean, with the child or maybe not.
Chris Bruno
With a child? Yeah.
Jesse French
Also, right, even just internally around some of the own work around that area.
Chris Bruno
Yeah. I mean, so many of these invites you then to go back to your own journal, right? And have some time, your prayer time. Maybe you go back to your brotherhood group or other men that you trust and just like, this is what my child has said to me. I'm curious, you know, so dad admits when he is wrong, they scored me a C minus D plus. Hey brothers, what is your, how would you score me? Okay.
Cause I actually want to grow in this area to admit when I'm wrong and get some other feedback. And then it also opens up the conversation back to your kid. It opens up the conversation with, when, it feels like I'm not admitting when I'm wrong, will you remind me of this conversation? And that's not to like give your child the gun to shoot you with like dad, you're not admitting when you're wrong kind of thing. But it still opens up this.
two-way relationship between the two of you, not just a one-way, that they actually get to inform their experience of you that changes how you are being with them in order to be with them better. you know, admitting when you're wrong, they can also say, you know, hey, dad, thank you for admitting that you were wrong there. Yeah. Yeah. It gives them an opportunity for gratitude and awareness. And the beautiful thing, especially with that question, is when you, dad, admit that you're wrong,
It gives your child permission to admit when they are wrong.
Jesse French
you
Chris Bruno
It's modeling, it's better fathering, it's all those things all wrapped into one.
Jesse French
Yeah. That's good. And you know, we've, we've said it a few times, I think in this podcast in some different contexts, right? But like, I think it's J stringer who talks about saying like, look, honesty and honor are two sides of the same coin. So like when your child is able to actually honestly say, this is how you are in this space, like that's actually. Honoring. Right. So when the guy in your brotherhood group is able to say,
There are parts of you that feel like it's hard to admit when you're on like what? Well, on one level, like hard to hear, also what, why the gift that people would say there was enough relationship here that I can be honest with you and we can actually move forward together. Yep.
Chris Bruno
Yep, absolutely. The second part of this resource, you guys, is your child's self-report card. And so you choose, obviously you choose to do any of this yourself if you want with your kids, but you choose if this is going to be helpful or not for your child. But again, it's to open up the conversation with them. And this is where they, you're not grading them, but they are grading themselves on a whole list of other subjects as well. I'll read a few of them so you have a sense of what this is.
unto a conversation about these things, unto why would that be hard? Or, you you've given yourself an A there, that's not always how I experience you there. And so we know, why did you grade yourself an A? And let's talk about that gap. So, you know, some of those is for the child to do their self-report, I am willing to serve others. I treat others with respect.
I listen to my parents and other adults. I'm aware of my own needs. I am generous with my siblings or friends. I am flexible when plans change. I see and include others. Like this is the tenor of what this report card is for them to be able to, you know, look and reflect. And what you're doing here is you're not actually necessarily just focused on you need to get a better grade in this, but you're teaching your child self-reflection.
Yeah. In categories that they're very rarely invited to reflect. And even, you know, beyond that, very rarely have a positive conversation around. Cause most of the time when they are not generous with their siblings or friends, they get in trouble. But this is like, whether they give themselves an A or an F in this category, it opens up a conversation like, Hey, share some examples of when you've been generous with your...
Jesse French
Yep.
Chris Bruno
and share some examples when you haven't been. Let's talk about that. What's different about those things? Why are you generous with them and this person and not that person? It just opens up conversation for you.
Jesse French
Totally.
Cause I can remember one time we were working in the office and talking around, it wasn't even, it was not connected to our kids. You said this phrase that I really liked and I think it applies here. We were sitting there and you're like, you know, I think it's just wise just to strike while the iron is cold. And I was like, what? And at that point it was, it was sort of, I think the instance was like, Hey, the best time people engage that right is like,
Not when it's all heated and in the spur of the moment when, but more like when there aren't high stakes to it. And I feel like that it kind of applies here, right? As you give this example of in the heat of the moment when Sally is not being generous with Johnny, that's the time. So easy to be like, you need to be generous, right? And that's the like, that's when that gets talked about when it's contentious and all that. But here there's none of that. And what an opportunity to able to say, let's talk about what it's like to articulate what your own needs are. Yep.
Not in the heat of the moment when it's a lot more difficult.
Chris Bruno
Yeah. Yeah. It is this space of a real sense of generosity and having a conversation that's constructive, not reactive.
Jesse French
think the other fascinating thing that this does or could enable, Is so your kids fill out this, they exercise some of this practice of self reflection and then not, not in this like performative way, but what a cool thing a year from now, a six, you know, six months from now, right. In the same sort of the same vein to say like, Hey, I remember when you said, you know, I I'm a C at trying new things like, Hey, look at.
You know, you did this, this and this, right? Like the ability to be able to return to that, to use that as a vehicle, but also affirmation to your kids. mean, feels really right for that.
Chris Bruno
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even if you kind of paired it with do this now and then every quarter that they receive their academic grades, sit back down with this annual assessment and ask them like, Hey, you scored me a C in, you know, caring for your feelings over the last three months. Has that changed? Would you give me the same score? How have I been in that? And let's look at yours, you know,
You said, you know, XYZ, like, here's ways that I've seen you improve in these areas. Wow. Yeah.
Jesse French
Yeah, again, and it just proves that it's more than just lip service, right? Of like, there's continual desire, work at this to come to converse around it to continue to hear.
Chris Bruno
Yep. Now the next level, Jesse is giving the data assessment to your spouse.
Jesse French
Without his next level.
Chris Bruno
Okay. To where she is rating you, you husband shows me he loves me. Husband shows me that he's interested in my feelings. Husband spends time with me. Husband listens to what I say. Husband trusts me. Husband enjoys being with me. Like there's that aspect of things of some feedback on you as a husband. And then also the secondary to that would be the feedback on, you know,
The father of my children shows them that he loves them. You husband are interested in the kids feelings. You spend time with the kids. You listen to what they say. You trust them. You enjoy being with them and just hearing what she has to say back to you. is, that is next level. And if you are that man, I'd love to meet you.
Jesse French
And I mean, the data lens, right? Have you just like tripled your sample size? so the reliability of that data just got a lot more reliable than, that your kids aren't reliable, but again, like it just gives more what you've been talking about. more.
Chris Bruno
And the sample size is always subjective. So they're always giving you their thoughts and their feelings of their experience of you. This is not an overall rating of who you are as a person. It is how they've experienced you in some of these places. yeah. Yeah. So Jesse, how can you guys find this?
Jesse French
Yeah. So we're going to put a link in the show notes for, and it'll be a PDF that they can download. so in the show notes here, it'll just be the fathering report card. So you should be able to access it that way.
Chris Bruno
Okay. And ⁓ if you are part of the Grove Collective, which if you're not part of the collective guys, you need to get in there and be a part of the community of men who are pulling in this direction of being intentional men and restorative men and all that. So if you are not part of that Grove Collective, we'll also put a link in the show notes for you to be part of that. This then will also be part of the permanent library inside the Grove Collective. So if you want to hop in there and grab it, you can do that too.
Jesse French
That's right. Yep.
Chris Bruno
Okay. Okay. We'll have fun. Got Happy report carding and yeah, we'll talk to you later.
Jesse French
Thanks Chris.