Barbarians

"May I present your new messenger, Fedux"

 

In the days before overnight delivery service, the Ancients had Fedux, a man so fast, so reliable, that he was entrusted with the mail of the Emperor himself. No obstacle too challenging, no parcel too large, and no method of transporting messages deemed too weird. What does he bring to the Great but Bumbling Caesar himself?

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar                 
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus                 
Thomas Taufan as Fedux, Narrator, and Guard                 
Cheng as Markus                            
Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Five, Barabarians)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEER, TROOPS MARCHING.

CAESAR: Well Sensus, what a day it's been!

SENSUS: Indeed, my Lord. We haven't had a day like this in a bronze age.

FEET RUNNING ON MARBLE THAT THEN BREAKS INTO TAP
DANCING, "SHAVE AND HAIR CUT, TWO BITS."

SENSUS: May I present your new messenger, Fedux.

CAESAR: Ah, Fedux, speak!

FEDUX: I bring news to Great Caesar from France.

CAESAR: Where?

SENSUS: France, my Lord, large country to the West on the way to the Anglo Isle. They have
breadsticks, frogs and snails.

CAESAR: Ah yes, the great comedy trio. Speak now Fedux.

FEDUX: Your commander-in-chief of the French provinces, Primas, sends you this scroll.

STRUGGLE AND THEN "POP".

Sorry, my Lord, I don't usually keep it there.

SENSUS: Understood, it must have made riding difficult.

FEDUX: You don't know the half of it!

CAESAR: Read it and get to the point, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes my Lord. To my Lord Caesar..... greetings and salutations.. etc, etc
may your orgies be long and fruitful...etc, etc...ah, here we are... I have the great misfortune to
inform your Lordship that I have lost a small province in France.

CAESAR: The gall!

SENSUS: He doesn't specify, but it could be.

CAESAR: Was he outnumbered?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: By how many?

SENSUS: A full house to his two pairs.

CAESAR: Good gods.

SENSUS: What would you order, my Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Send Maxamillion Aird to take his place and bring Primas back.

SENSUS: Shall we prepare the lions, my Lord?

CAESAR: No, Sensus. We shall teach Primas, poker face.

SENSUS: This seems very lenient my Lord.

CAESAR: It depends on which poker you use.

SENSUS: Very well my Lord. I will prepare the papers. Fedux, wait in the anti-chamber until we need
you further.

FEDUX: How much further?

SENSUS: France and back.

FEDUX: Very good, my Lord.

FEET RUNNING AWAY.

CAESAR: It can only get better.... who's next?

SENSUS: Markus Rectus Rectum.

CAESAR: Very well, call Markus Rectus Rectum.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Calling Markus Rectus Rectum, Rectus Rectum report to Lord Caesar. Come in
from behind please, Markus.

MARKUS RUNNING GETTING CLOSER.

CAESAR & SENSUS: Get that fixed.....

STOPPING WITH A SCREECH.

CAESAR: Good gods, is that your skid mark?

MARKUS: No, it was my shoes.

SENSUS: What news do you bring?

MARKUS: We have commenced erecting the wall to separate the Scots my Lord.

CAESAR: I heard that you simply took the enclosure from around Dublin.

MARKUS: I take o'ffence!

CAESAR: Exactly.

CROWD CHEER.

CAESAR: Now tell me more about these Scots you fear.

MARKUS: They have a strange and peculiar tongue.

CAESAR: And?

MARKUS: I can't understand what they say, either.

CAESAR: And their system of governance?

MARKUS: Well my Lord. They hold land in common.

CAESAR: Incredible.

MARKUS: They have no slaves, with every man, woman and child being free.

CAESAR: Astounding.

MARKUS: More than this, women are held in high esteem.

CAESAR: Good gods!

MARKUS: Their leaders are responsible to the people.

CAESAR: No!

MARKUS: And they have no blood sports.

CAESAR: No lions, no gladiators?

MARKUS: None my Lord.

CAESAR: Barbarians!

MARKUS: Exactly my Lord.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones