New Mom Podcast

Joy and grief can coexist❤️‍🩹 

Brittany Lutz has walked through a lot of grief the past few years, and also a lot of blessing. After suffering an early and very late miscarriage, she and her husband were blessed with two beautiful children. Then earlier this year, she unexpectedly lost her mom. Brittany walks with an honest grief, but also a deep hope in Christ. She opens up about late miscarriage, holding onto hope in the waiting of “infertility”, and also the reality of losing your own mom while being a mom. 

We pray this heartfelt episode touches the moms who need it. Those of you who are walking through grief while still showing up every day for your family. You are not alone.❤️

Brittany Gonzales Lutz is a former model and actress who now lives in Tennessee with her husband and two children. Raised in Orange County, CA, she spent nearly a decade in Los Angeles working in entertainment. 
Through it all, her true passion has been encouraging others. Shaped by her own hard seasons, she's on a mission to remind people, especially young women, not to settle for less than God's best. Through social media and her faith-based podcast, Embraced with Grace, she has reached thousands and heard from countless women who credit her honest stories about faith, singleness, marriage, and loss with helping them grow.

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Embraced With Grace Podcast 🎙️
https://open.spotify.com/show/0A4kFAAmc1t9tMovQW2GBm?si=iehvFRSgQiC6yap2YxpD2g&utm_source=copy-link

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What is New Mom Podcast?

The New Mom Podcast is a Christian motherhood podcast for women navigating pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood.
Whether you're a first-time mom, expecting, or in the middle of sleepless nights, this show offers real, honest conversations about motherhood, marriage, identity, and faith. We talk about birth stories, postpartum recovery, relationships, mental health, and trusting God through every stage of motherhood. If you're looking for encouragement, practical advice, and a reminder that you're not alone—this podcast is for you.

Our prayer is that New Mom leaves you feeling seen, strengthened, and a little more equipped for the beautiful calling of motherhood!

New episodes weekly.

Brittany:

I just had this revelation of like, I either believe or I don't, you know? And and it doesn't mean you shouldn't struggle, but you do... You can decide. And I was like, no, I'm just choosing in lore. The enemy's trying to discourage me.

Brittany:

I'm gonna do anything I can to encourage someone else because it's not gonna end with me. That's just gonna fuel my fire.

Carrie:

Hello and welcome back to New Mom. I'm your host, Alexander, and I'm so excited to be with you here today. Okay. Today's episode, gosh, it was deep, and, and honest, and I really appreciate my guest today for bringing those aspects to the show. I had Brittany Lutz on the podcast today and Brittany is a wife, a mom, a former model, an actress.

Carrie:

She's beautiful inside and out. She loves the Lord and she actually just lost her mom a few short months ago. And so much of this conversation is on the topic of grief. She lost her mom. And we also talk about before she had her two beautiful children, she had an early miscarriage as well as, she lost their daughter at, I believe, 27.

Carrie:

And so we talk about grief and I do wanna give a little trigger warning on that, but I also wanna say the joy, the peace, and the hope that Brittany speaks about these losses with is beautiful. It's encouraging. It left me feeling filled with hope and the truth that only lies with Jesus. So I hope that you enjoy this conversation. And yeah, without further ado, here is the wonderful and gracious Brittany.

Carrie:

Yay, Brittany. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks Welcome to for having New Absolutely. I'm so excited to have you. You strolled up and I was like, oh, we're both in our overalls.

Carrie:

I know. Which is awesome.

Brittany:

I mean, I've seen you

Carrie:

wear your overalls a lot, like on social. So I'm like, I'm not totally surprised you're like an overall girl. I am. And I've become an overall girl specifically since I became a mom. I don't know what it is.

Carrie:

It's just like, it just fits my my new Anything

Brittany:

that's one piece is like an automatic outfit Yes. But then dresses, love them. And for me anyway, with my children, we're never practical. I love like a good prairie mom. I'm not the prairie mom.

Carrie:

Yeah. The prairie mom thing... Yeah. It's... You you gotta be you gotta be doing the right activities for it.

Brittany:

It's so pretty, but like my... I'm like we're... I'm the I'm the mom at the top of the playground or the trees or... You know what mean? Yes.

Brittany:

Like, with my kids or like You're like, can't wear cartwheels. I'm like, oh, it's not really perfect. I feel like

Carrie:

I'm always like on the floor picking up crumbs. That's cute. Dress. Yeah. My knees.

Carrie:

Like, I'm like, I can't I can't do it. I gotta wear pants. But you look adorable. Thank you. We love overalls.

Brittany:

We do.

Carrie:

And I do love a one piece, I have to say. Like, I feel like specifically since being a mom because you wanna get ready so quickly, the one piece outfit, you're like, I automatically feel cute even if I don't wanna make up on whatever compared to like, used to do a lot like, biker shorts.

Brittany:

You know what I mean?

Carrie:

Yes.

Brittany:

That... Those are two things I feel like that you put it on and you're like, I'm together. Totally. You know? It was very easy, but I'm I'm okay.

Brittany:

I'm together.

Carrie:

I'll also say I've noticed here and I told him and some of my friends this, people dress really cute here, but they dress really practically. Like, I've noticed moms, like, they always look put together at the store, but it's not, like, glammed up. Like, I

Brittany:

don't know. When you

Carrie:

think of LA put together, it's, like, a little bit different.

Brittany:

Yeah.

Carrie:

Here, it's like, oh, every mom just looks cute. Like, she's like... She looks like she's just... She's ready for the day. Yeah.

Carrie:

But she looks like she could go, like, climb a tree.

Brittany:

Yeah.

Carrie:

And I like it. Yeah. It's inspiring my fashion of,

Brittany:

like, it's, like, changed it

Carrie:

a little bit, like, for the better. Yeah.

Brittany:

It's been fun. How... Because how long have you guys been here for?

Carrie:

Only, like, six months.

Brittany:

Oh my gosh. You're brand new. We're super new. Yeah. Been here three years.

Brittany:

I'm a professional. No. I'm totally kidding. But, yeah, it is funny, like, going from one, yeah, geographical location to another and, like, seeing the new... Yeah.

Brittany:

It's like, you know, I mean, you can wear whatever you want anywhere. Yes.

Carrie:

But there is a... There is a world and a culture.

Brittany:

Because, like, here, for example, it's humid compared to LA.

Carrie:

That's very true.

Brittany:

And so, yeah, there are just different things that you're like, oh, okay. That works really well here. It doesn't work here, but it's kinda fun to, like, rediscover your style. And then as a mom Oh my gosh. It's also It's also a new season anyway.

Carrie:

It's like this,

Brittany:

I feel like, but it is fun to kinda discover Yeah. What works for you in this new season of life. It's totally true.

Carrie:

And my friend, Brittany, who spells it differently, but another friend, Brittany, of mine, we were just talking and she was like, I don't really... She just had her second baby. She's like, I don't really relate to my closet anymore. Yeah. Like, I I feel like this is like a 20 version pre baby.

Carrie:

Like, they just doesn't... Not only like maybe do you feel like it's too young for you, like it just doesn't resonate anymore. I think a lot of us are like going through that that fun revamp phase. Totally. Yeah.

Carrie:

Anyway. Okay. Well, Brittany, I'm so excited that you're here. Tell... For those who don't know you, tell us who you are, a little bit about you, your family.

Carrie:

Yeah. Give us the intro.

Brittany:

Oh my goodness. You are catching me on... It's a good day, but we... 2026 has been a lot. A lot.

Brittany:

I think for a lot of us though, from when when, you know, just talking to other people and other moms specifically. I think it's been an interesting year Mhmm. But it's been a lot. But I originally am from Southern California, so, Orange County, a little South of LA. Grew up loving Jesus.

Brittany:

That's a big part of my life still. I... It was not a linear path to get to the woman sitting here today, but I am more in love and obsessed with him than ever. So that will, like, be a through line in anything that I talk about because I can't help but do I was a model and an actress for a chunk of my life. I met my husband in LA.

Brittany:

We've been married for almost nine years. It'll be nine years next month. And we have... We're raising two kids. We had an early miscarriage, and we had a very late pregnancy loss or pretty late pregnancy, twenty seven weeks.

Brittany:

And so we have two angels in heaven. But we have a five year old daughter named Ashton and a four year old son named Kaysen. And they are... Like, we're very much obsessed with being parents and with our life. And, yeah.

Brittany:

And then just over the summer, the reason why... But I think it's important to show up exactly how you are Totally. And not try to, like, I don't know, be something different or mask. And, yes, not everyone deserves to see every part of you right off the bat, but I do think there's a way that you can, like, show up and be like, hey, I'm gonna be transparent. Maybe not vulnerable because that person might not be safe, but you can be transparent.

Brittany:

My mom went to heaven, three months ago and we're just... Like, we just got back a few days ago from California for her memorial, her celebration of life, burial at sea. And so it it was so beautiful. But me sitting here in front of you all today, it's like a very... I feel very raw, if that makes sense.

Brittany:

And I'm okay, and I'm good, and you can ask anything you want. And I'm, like, more sensitive and more tender Mhmm. Because as I think a lot of us know, your emotions are not on a soundboard with like, you can select different ones to pick up and different ones to put down. Like our emotions are a master switch. And so when one is up, they're all up.

Brittany:

And so I'm just like very, very sensitive, very tender. You could say something or I could watch a reel and I'd be like, oh, hi. It's not bad. It's just everything is very, like, heightened at the moment. But, but...

Brittany:

Yeah. I I... We've been in, Tennessee for three years. It has not... It's been interesting, I will say.

Brittany:

It's a beautiful place, beautiful people, and it's not the move that we were expecting. I did not expect to move here.

Carrie:

What brought you guys here?

Brittany:

So we were in, New York during the pandemic. That's where we lost our daughter, and then that's where we had our daughter that we have now, Ashton. And, post pandemic, especially, my husband's an actor, and so on, you know, just different sets, and he was on a network show. And so obviously there were things that needed to be put in place to keep everyone safe and insurance reasons, but we'll just say that when he got the job, when he signed on, a lot changed, you know, between 2019 and 2020. Oh my gosh.

Brittany:

That

Carrie:

was a crazy time to be.

Brittany:

Crazy time. And especially in the probably, like in the city. And so, we... Having walked through what we walked through, he, you know, had to essentially... Like, his grandfather passed during that time and it...

Brittany:

He was... It was like over FaceTime. His mom was the only one, like, I think allowed in there. So it was just like a full... That was an awful time.

Brittany:

You know what

Carrie:

I mean?

Brittany:

It just like it it kinda took away a lot of humanity in a way. There's a lot

Carrie:

of fear

Brittany:

obviously. And I think different places did require different things. Like people have very strong opinions and I'm not throwing my hat in the ring in any which way, but I think we can all agree that that was not good for connection and for community and for, you know what I mean, fellowship. And so we were both just kinda like burnt out and our marriage like had taken a toll obviously as most marriages do. Mhmm.

Brittany:

You know, we had a cross country move. We had a pregnancy loss. We had already gone through fertility, you know, struggles, we'll say. It was a journey to get to where we were, and then it was just like we looked at each other and we're like, this, I don't know that we can do this. I was more on the up and up by that point, where, you know, I had my baby.

Brittany:

Like, I was like, oh lord. Like, finally, like, I've I've...

Carrie:

So you have

Brittany:

her in New York? I had her in New York. Yeah.

Carrie:

Which is a crazy thing in itself. Yeah. I don't know. I just... I give parents some...

Carrie:

Did you live in the city?

Brittany:

We lived in Brooklyn. Okay. So we lived across the... But I had her on the Upper East Side and it was still, like, in the height of COVID. So, like, anyone...

Brittany:

Well... And it's a whole another story we can get into. Yeah. We can get into that if you want. But, but, yeah, like hazmat suits the whole thing, coming in.

Brittany:

It was very... It was it was a lot, but God was with us the whole time. But again, we looked at each other and we're like, we've been through more life than we expected by this point, and we just really wanna be by our people. He know our family. And at that point, my family was all still in California.

Brittany:

His family is in Arizona. His mom lived in California for... And his dad, actually, for a little bit. But we just wanted to go back to the West Coast and, you know, just be with our people. You know, have community, have support.

Brittany:

Like, especially when you go through any kind of loss, you're like, oh, this is what matters and this doesn't. And it's not that work doesn't matter, and it was a great opportunity, but we prayed and we fasted and we just felt like, you know what, Lord, if you... And he... I mean, he signed a contract like you do with jobs. Like, he...

Brittany:

We were locked in for six years. And so we just prayed and we're like, Lord, this is how we're feeling. If you open the door for us to go home, we're gonna go home. If not, we will stay. Mhmm.

Brittany:

And I say we even though it's his job, but like we view everything as a team very

Carrie:

So... Beautiful. Yeah.

Brittany:

Like we will stay, we'll do whatever you have for us here. And, he just... Yeah. My husband just had so much favor and they're like, we get it. We're bummed to see you guys go, but we totally understand.

Brittany:

And so we moved back and then, my parents and my brothers... Actually, my whole immediate family ended up here. And we were... So wild. So wild.

Brittany:

And so we were in in... For kind of different reasons. It's not like they all teamed up and they're like, we are all moving to Tennessee. It was just... That's the doors that God opened for them.

Brittany:

And so we actually almost moved out here in 2019, and it was a very different Tennessee in 2019. I've heard it's changed

Carrie:

so much. Yeah.

Brittany:

But it was... We have friends that were... Some friends that were born here, a lot of friends that have moved here or live here, And then now there's even more. But basically, they moved here and then we got pregnant with my son, like, months after my daughter, and so they're close together. Gosh.

Brittany:

That's really close. Really close. But we were like, yeah, we were so ready. Like, we actually... We tried for that because we were like, look, I...

Brittany:

We just felt like that's what we were supposed to do. I wouldn't recommend it, but we we were... We did it and it was fine. But my whole family ended up here. And then we were like, you know what?

Brittany:

Kinda same thing in New York. We're like, all of our people are leaving California, you know? So we didn't, like, flee California because we're like, we hate it. It's the worst place ever. I actually have such a heart, especially for Southern California.

Brittany:

I would love to end up back there one day. But we were... Yeah. We were having kids. We wanted them to be by grandparents And and so we took...

Brittany:

So

Carrie:

your parents were here too?

Brittany:

Yep. My parents, my brother, everyone came here before us. And so we're like, okay, Lord. We'll go to Arizona or Tennessee. I didn't necessarily...

Brittany:

Like, this wasn't my first choice only because I don't really love, like, the seasons. A lot of people do, but

Carrie:

I'm like... Well, you're a California girl. I mean... It's fair. Yeah.

Brittany:

I hate it and I love it at the same time. I was like, I'll never be in a landlocked state. But, no. But it's... But when I tell you, like, it is a beautiful and a very special place to live.

Brittany:

So I'm not like, it's it's amazing. God has just wired us all in the own... Our own unique way, you know? And some people are like, I love the mountains. I don't like the beach.

Brittany:

The sand is terrible. And I'm like, who... What? But I but I get it because I'm bent more the other way. But anyways, we we prayed into both places and we actually tried to move to Arizona.

Brittany:

There were two or three places we tried to get there and God just kept closing the door. And so we're like, okay. We checked out here when I was, probably five months pregnant with my son. It wasn't working out. And so I'm like, Lord.

Brittany:

And there was a big fear component. I'm like, I don't wanna give birth in California because there were a couple things. So many of my friends, family, everyone has, but there were just some things for me that I'm like, I don't know if I wanna do that. Mhmm. And the Lord, like, I had the best doctors.

Brittany:

I obviously was high risk because of my first or my late loss. And, but God just wanted me to be there to deliver my son, so I was. And then when he was a year, we ended up moving here. We were kind of always praying and looking at places, but, like, timing was always off. And we could have forced it, but that's one thing we've learned over the course of our marriage is, like, do not force.

Brittany:

Like, can know something like the right thing and what the... What God has for you, But if you do it in the wrong time, it's the wrong thing. Mhmm. And so we were just, like, waiting on that. Because I'm like, I really feel like we're supposed to go somewhere, but, like, where are we supposed to go?

Brittany:

God, feel that. So every day you're just like twiddling your thumbs. Is today the day? And you're like... And you also kind of desire something that you don't have where you currently are, so you're even more so looking.

Brittany:

And there's just one day that, a rental came up, like, a half a mile from my parents' house.

Carrie:

And

Brittany:

so I was like, hey, Kel, my husband, Kelen. I was like, hey, babe. Like, what do you think about this? Like... And he's like, if you wanna do it, let's do it.

Brittany:

And so... And we had already... We had sold our houses in LA. We were renting in Newport Beach. We were just kinda...

Brittany:

We weren't really like tied down anywhere so we kinda could go. And I was like, this will be great. I had thoughts in my head. I had expectations. I was like, I know exactly what this is gonna look like.

Brittany:

This... We're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. These are gonna be our friends. And not a single thing looked the way I thought it would look since we've gotten here. And at the same time, I am so grateful for God's kindness to kind of...

Brittany:

Because it wasn't a thus says the Lord. And we're kinda jealous of people that have that. Yeah. You know, because a lot of people, especially with here in Tennessee, God is moving and he has been for years. And we have friends and people very close to us that like, God has called them here specifically

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

For probably forever.

Carrie:

Yeah. You hear that story a lot.

Brittany:

All the time.

Carrie:

A lot. And new people coming daily that are like, yeah, the Lord told us to move here. You hear it

Brittany:

a lot. So happy for them. And I'm jealous, not in a bad way, but like, oh, I wish I could have that. And God instead is like, you you have free will. Like, there's gonna be hard things here and hard things there.

Brittany:

There's gonna... You know, like, you get to choose, which is kinda scary too sometimes because you don't wanna choose wrong. And he's like, it's not wrong. It's just different. And so, yeah.

Brittany:

We we moved out here and had you told me like, oh, you're gonna be able... Like, you're moving out here and God is drawing you here, a big part is because you're gonna spend the last two and a half years of your mom's earthly time with her. I'd be like, you're crazy. Like, she's the healthiest person I know. What are you talking about?

Brittany:

And that's what it was. So it's that weird tension of like, there have been things over the last three years that were like, Lord, what the heck? You know, like, this is really hard. Why would you like nudge us or draw us here initially? And then it kind of all unfolded, especially this year of like, oh, it makes sense and thank you.

Brittany:

Now I feel bad for ever complaining because I'm like, you gave me the gift of time, which I could never get back, you know? So anyway, so that was a really long story to be honest.

Carrie:

Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing that. I think it's so helpful. And also like, when we listen to these stories and we talk about motherhood and we talk about who we are and how we're following the Lord in this, context matters. Like, thank you for sharing that.

Carrie:

Yeah. And I'm so sorry about your mom, by way. And I know Thank talked about that separately. But, I would love to know... I usually start off this podcast by saying what is the Lord teaching you in motherhood right now?

Carrie:

And I I do wanna ask you that. But I think like, I'm just curious if your answer like is a little bit like, what is the Lord teaching you in like mothering through losing your mom? If that makes sense. Like, what is that season been like for you with little ones that are old enough to Yeah. Understand and kinda kinda grasp, kinda see you walking through grief and stuff?

Carrie:

Like, what... Just what has this season been like?

Brittany:

Yeah. It's been really interesting. It's been very full of of a lot of different things. Of course, there's the sorrow and the sadness, but there's also been a lot of the grace and the peace that just passes all understanding. It's interesting earlier in the year when my mom first got really sick, and it kinda came out of nowhere.

Brittany:

It was like one day she was fine, you know, like, oh, something feels kinda off but totally fine. Like you and I sitting here.

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

And ten days later, she was in the hospital and three months later, she was gone. And so it was like, again, not like a car accident. So it wasn't like a, oh, complete shock, but still in the grand scheme of life, like short Short, you know. And I remember telling my husband one time, like one of the days, I just like lost it. And I was like, I I I have felt the pain of being a mom without her daughter.

Brittany:

I really don't think I'm ready to be a daughter without her mom yet. And I just was like, Lord, I don't I don't know if I could do that. You know what I mean? Like, because when I lost... When we lost our daughter, my husband again was working.

Brittany:

We were living in New York, but I found

Carrie:

out

Brittany:

in LA because we were gonna deliver in LA, because that's where we were living, that's where our house was. So he was gonna wrap his season, we were gonna fly back, we're gonna have our baby, then we're gonna go back with a brand new baby three months later when season two picked up. And so, my mom was my person when I lost her. You know, like my husband, he did fly in, but then he had to go back and we were... Again, weren't...

Brittany:

We can always get in touch, but we weren't in like the greatest place. It wasn't a bad place. It was just a place of tension because of... He was stretched so so thin working eighteen hours a day in the elements, and I was pregnant, it was a rough break. So it was just a lot.

Brittany:

Instead of, like, coming together, we were kind of, like, being solo men on our own island.

Carrie:

Yeah. Two different worlds. You're like, teaming. Totally.... Doing this thing.

Carrie:

Yeah. You're doing the providing thing. We'll see it when we have

Brittany:

the baby.

Carrie:

Kinda the same....

Brittany:

Way it works, guys. It doesn't work well that way. And so anyways, but my mom was the person. Right? Like, she was...

Brittany:

She helped me with everything. I wasn't allowed to fly, when I finally got out of the hospital. They didn't know like what was going on or what had happened to her or to me because I, basically, when I went in, I... We lost her at twenty seven weeks. And then when I went into the hospital, I hemorrhaged.

Brittany:

And then I woke up in the ICU like eleven hours later. But I... It was like my... When your doctor is still... When your OB is still there at, midnight, one in the morning and she's like, oh, thank God you made it.

Brittany:

I'm like, what are you talking about? But, again, another story for another time. But it was like my mom was the one that was there for all of that. And so walking through this, I'm like, oh, no. This is for...

Brittany:

I hate to use the word like triggering because people I feel like use that a lot now. I'm triggered and triggered, but it did trigger a memory like that her loss, like, kinda went back to the last time I was feeling this way. Grief. She was the one, grief and loss,

Carrie:

like

Brittany:

that immense like, oh no, she was the one that was help... That helped me like, and now she's the one I want and she's the one... She's your comfort. It's gone. You know what I mean?

Brittany:

It was like this whole thing. And, so that was kind of I was like, oh, no, this isn't gonna be good. But that being said, my husband and I are like better than ever and we went through our our own journey. And so he's been the one that's like, I know I'm not your mom, but like, I wanna be there for you with this. Like, she was there for you when you...

Brittany:

When we lost Sunny, you know, like, wanna be there for you. And I was like, okay, thank you. But the... I think the thing that I am learning, and it's not by choice, it's kind of like... I kinda...

Brittany:

It's almost like it's going to happen. How do you wanna deal with it? But you mentioned kind of like grieving in front of your kids. Yeah. It's...

Brittany:

I think we want to be tough for our kids and we wanna like be the perfect version. We don't wanna mess up in front of them. We don't wanna like lose it in front of... You know, we don't wanna do that. And yes, of course, we should have our emotions in check and we should be a good example.

Brittany:

But I think being honest with them, like they are little, but there's no junior holy spirit. So maybe their mind doesn't quite understand what's happening, but their spirit is perceiving all of what's going on and it's absorbing everything. And so for them, I'm not like... I haven't had my huge, you know, grief moments where I'm like, it probably would be scary to them, you know? And if you've ever had like a grief moment where you're like, oh, I'm gonna be in the fetal position, I'm gonna like boohoo like a baby.

Brittany:

I haven't done that in front of them, but I do cry. Like they've... Every time every time I cry, they're always like, mommy, do you miss Gigi? I'm like, I really, really do. Like so much.

Brittany:

I'm like... And you know what? God's comforting me right now and you can still have pain at the same time.

Carrie:

Mhmm. Oh, that's good.

Brittany:

And it's been really beautiful too to kind of... I just didn't think we would have to do it so early. But to be able to tell them, like, it be also a teaching moment of like, yeah, you know what? Gigi's... Because initially, it was like, she's sick.

Brittany:

And in their mind, they're like, oh, you're sick. You pray, God heals you. Mhmm. And so when she was not getting better, they're like, well, wait, I don't understand. And I'm like, so here's the thing.

Brittany:

It is always in God's will to heal. Sometimes it happens on this side of eternity, but sometimes he gives us all of our healing in heaven, and we don't get to decide. And so we continue to pray down here, and we continue to believe we're... And and try to steward our body's soul. That's why we eat healthy, we have water, we exercise, you know?

Brittany:

Like... And we live in a fallen world. And this isn't the end. Like, eternity is the end. So that's why it's so important for us to take care of ourselves and to just, like, ask Jesus the questions we don't understand but trust him.

Brittany:

Mhmm. Because one day, like, we will get to be where Gigi is if we trust in Jesus, you know? And so it's like that family

Carrie:

beautiful for me.

Brittany:

It's not been ideal. And it's like, okay, like, holy spirit, will you show me how to, like, maximize what's happening? I don't want them to feel traumatized by it. There is an element, I feel like, of trauma when you... With loss because we weren't meant to experience it.

Brittany:

It's true. But... Yeah. Just, yeah. Just being vulnerable and honest with them.

Brittany:

Mhmm. Like, super honest. Yeah.

Carrie:

I think that's really good.

Brittany:

You know?

Carrie:

I mean, because like you said, they're they're young and I'm sure you just like didn't expect to go through that at that age because I think about...

Brittany:

I thought it would be our dog. Yeah. She's 10. I was like, oh, no, her. My baby's gonna handle the loss of our pet.

Brittany:

Yes. And I'm like, what? It's my, it's your Gigi. Like, oh shoot. Like Yeah.

Brittany:

That's so hard.

Carrie:

And I'm sure there's layers because it's their Gigi, like you just said. So they're they're grieving their grandma. And then also there's a, not maybe a deeper, but a different level of grief watching your

Brittany:

parents grieve.

Carrie:

You know, I can only imagine at that age being like, it's their mommy that's gone.

Brittany:

Yeah.

Carrie:

You know? And you're my mom and like, I... It's just it's just so many layers. Yeah. Really is.

Carrie:

Oh my gosh. But... Don't know

Brittany:

people do without the Holy Spirit to like give you a little insight and guidance. Because I'm like, oh, I don't know.

Carrie:

I I do not I always... Yeah. I know. We were just talking about that small group last night. We're like, you know, this...

Carrie:

The... Just the verse like, in this world, you will have trouble. Take heart. I've overcome the world. It's like Mhmm.

Carrie:

I... Peace I give to you. And it's like, okay, we need your peace, not as the world gives, but as Jesus gives. Like, we need that Yes. All the time.

Carrie:

But that's really beautiful. So how are you guys feeling now? Like, it's, you know, you're home. Like, you're... Does it feel like a new season is beginning?

Carrie:

Does it feel like you're kinda in that grief bubble? Like, where are you guys at as a family?

Brittany:

It... I definitely feel like there's a new season. I think that... It's so funny because, yeah. It...

Brittany:

I'm like sifting through thoughts as I go, so excuse me.

Carrie:

No. You're good.

Brittany:

I see the... Almost the benefit of... Like, if you're, you know, if you're not cremating, if you're burying someone, you kinda have to do it within a window of time. Right? Usually, like, two weeks at the most.

Brittany:

It's usually very quick. And there's a part of me... Because my mom, was cremated and we were... You know, our family friends, a lot of people are still in California. They live here.

Brittany:

So it was like, logistically, we had time, which was nice because you could kind of process a little bit and plan and we weren't rushed to do anything. And I say we, it's my brothers and I, my dad were, you know, telling everything. And, it kinda gives you, it's nice initially and then you're kind of like, we've we've had this memorial that we just had this last week, has been kind of the point in the calendar. And like, every day you're kind... You have like good moments and bad moments, it's grief.

Brittany:

But that's been like in the pit of our stomach, I think of like, we just need to get to this point, not in a negative way, but like that is gonna complete a part of like the grief cycle, you know, and that's a point that needs to happen. And so it really does feel... I mean, I'm sure I'll be grieving for the rest of my life in some I capacity, you mean, I'm still still very fresh in this. I'm sure there are people watching that have pro... That probably lost their mom a long time ago, you know.

Brittany:

And they'll have... They'll be able to share more insight. But, I definitely feel... It feels like when we came back, and we landed, there was like almost like a renewed sorrow because it was oh, you know, you just did that. You were in a room with all her...

Brittany:

All of her people and, you know, hearing all the stories and the memories. But then also it was like that relief

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

And that kind of release of, okay. Like what needed... What needs to happen here on earth has happened now. Right? Now it's just memories and a lot of the other things are behind us.

Brittany:

Yeah. And so it really does feel... And then, I mean, goodness, I got my car this morning. I'm like, it's a little chilly. This is so exciting.

Brittany:

Yeah. It's really... Like, you can feel it in the air, and I can also feel it just internally and in my spirit of like, okay. Like, it's not like, oh, grief is gone. You know?

Brittany:

Like, in a Of course. Yes. There's a time for grieving and a time for rejoicing. It's like, oh, grieving... No, no, no.

Brittany:

Grieving will be here for a while. But there's still something internally that I'm like... I feel like I can just, like, take a sigh and I know that there's, like, a page that's turning. Mhmm. You know?

Brittany:

And that feels exciting and a little daunting to do it without her. Mhmm. Because she was so much to me and, you know, not just my mom, but, like, my spiritual mom and all the things. But, but I'm excited. There's like an ex, if you can say that, like a wounded excitement.

Brittany:

Do you know what I mean?

Carrie:

Absolutely. That's really complex and beautiful. You posted something that I saw a little while back and it just kind of struck me and it made me kind of reflect on being a mom where you were saying, I think something to the effect of like, you're kind of feeling her prayers. Like she was a woman of prayer. And like as a mother, she prayed for you guys so much.

Carrie:

Yep. And now has... How does that like... How has that impacted maybe the way you pray for your kids? Like does that make you...

Carrie:

How has that been?

Brittany:

Well, I I had the knowledge. Like, my mom was a praying mom. Like, would pray over us as little ones, as adults, all the things. If I need anything, mom, would you just pray for me? She'd send me a voice note.

Brittany:

She would call me, like, always. It was never like, oh, I'll be praying for you. Like, like, she was like a prayer warrior. Completely. Yeah.

Brittany:

That was one thing at her memorial that so many people they were like, Tracy was... I know she said she was shy, but she was fierce and she was like an intercessor. And so I always felt it and I guarantee you, like, there's not a doubt in my mind that the reason why I'm sitting here today and I'm not dead or in a bad situation is because of her purse my whole life. But yeah, it's I've just... But to feel it with her now not being there, but feeling the presence of her prayers, you know, it's...

Brittany:

It really has marked me in a new way and given me a new understanding. It's not like I was like, oh, it's not that important. I always knew it was, But now that I feel that I'm like, oh, God forbid Mhmm. He takes me home before I want to go home or before I plan to go. Like, I'd love to see my children grow up.

Brittany:

I want to... It's almost like a bank. You know what I mean? Like, just... An account that I'm like, I wanna deposit as many as I can in as many areas of their life as possible because I...

Brittany:

She is not here and I feel... I said it in my speech and I think I shared it, in a reel where it's like, she went to heaven and so she... Her earthly presence isn't here, but I feel the presence of her prayers. So cool. And it really like...

Brittany:

Because I see everything kind of in pictures, but I genuinely feel like as I'm... I'm like, Lord, I feel so vulnerable. I feel so exposed. Because my mom, like, at least spiritually... And my husband prays for me, but there's something about your mom.

Brittany:

And I'm like, Lord, I feel so, like, exposed spiritually or, like, vulnerable. Not that I'm not walking in it, but, like, when you know people have your back, you walk a little different. When you're walking through something and you text your like friends or your prayer group people like, hey, can you be praying for me? And they're sending prayers in, you're just like, okay.

Carrie:

You feel covered.

Brittany:

You feel so covered. Mhmm. And I'm like, Lord, I feel like my covering is gone in a in a way. Yeah. And I just had this like beautiful image of like things like the enemy on the outside thinking it's our time to strike.

Brittany:

Right? Like she's vulnerable, her mom is gone, like, you know, she's not... She's in a moment of weakness and grief and like trying to attack or advance or like, you know, fiery darts from the enemy. And it was like the Lord was just showed me that almost like this word wall just like swirling around me that was just so thick because she had prayed for almost forty years over my life. Well, even more if you talk about the womb.

Brittany:

And so I was like, oh, and it... He was like, even in this moment of like vulnerability because she was praying for you and covered you, she's not here anymore. But when you speak a word out, it lasts, you know? If words didn't matter, you know, you could insult someone and be like, I'm really sorry. And they're like, oh, I don't even remember.

Brittany:

No, we remember, you know? And I always liken it to, you know, when God created the earth, he did so with a word, you know? He doesn't get up every day and speak... Respeak the earth into existence. It's one word, it went forth and it's...

Brittany:

That's it. And so I think that's why we really do have to be careful with what we say it talks about in the bible, obviously. Like no idle words, don't curse, like those are the... And not like language, like bad words, but like cursing Like, speaking evil over yourself over people, speaking death over yourself. And so I'm like, my mom...

Brittany:

If anyone knew that it was my mom, and I knew that too because she taught us, but in this... Like, since she's been gone, I'm like, oh, like, I get it on a different a different level. And so that all the more. And it's also really helped me in moments of sadness and I let myself be sad. I give myself time every day to be like, okay, grief, like, is there anything that you want to...

Brittany:

Because it kinda almost feels like a flushing out of my system. Mhmm. It's not like a... And there's a difference between grieving and being tormented. Mhmm.

Brittany:

And so I... When we lost our daughter, I got real familiar with the line between, oh, I'm passing grief into torment. Like, I'm... I don't have the peace of God anymore because you can still have peace and grief. But then there comes a moment when you go, the enemy kinda takes you a little further or tempts you to go further and you answer it.

Brittany:

You're in a dark hole. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel like I... There were days that I'm like, I don't wanna get out of bed. Not with not with my mom because I have children. And they give such so much reason to live.

Brittany:

But before I was like, oh, I don't wanna get up. And if I didn't to, I I didn't, you know? But it wasn't from a place of like darkness or depression. It was just like, no, this is a this is a moment I have the luxury to lay in bed. I'm going to.

Carrie:

I'm just

Brittany:

gonna lay on the lap of Jesus and I'm just gonna cry. Mhmm. But anyways, I just... Yeah. I think there's a distinction between like healthy grief that is just like when Lazarus died, Jesus wept.

Brittany:

Mhmm. He didn't know what was gonna happen. He was what was gonna happen and he still wept. So all the more, why would we not just like weep and just, you know, I think that grief is some of the most beautiful worship you can give to God. But when it starts to turn dark where it's like, oh, I don't have a handle on this and I don't think I can get out and I don't see the light anymore.

Brittany:

That's when you have to be like, this isn't grief anymore. Yeah. This is demonic. Now we need to like take a deep breath, pull ourselves up, and maybe you do need to get out of bed and go take a walker.

Carrie:

Does that make sense? Oh my gosh. Sorry. That's

Brittany:

really... Kinda like went

Carrie:

on a tangent But I did actually... I wanted to ask you about that because we've had loved ones that have walked through, just later loss like that. It's awful. And how did you... I guess like just hearing you talk about, oh, grief and stuff, I think I imagine there's such a...

Carrie:

The devil would want you to sit in that and not be able to get back up. For sure. You then... How long was it between your daughter that you lost and then when you had... Was it your daughter's older?

Carrie:

Right? How how long

Brittany:

was We got pregnant. It would... Pretty pretty quickly. Okay. We, we lost her at the beginning of February and then I was pregnant again in July Okay.

Brittany:

I think.

Carrie:

So did did you feel a temptation to, like, let fear and sadness... Like, or did you... How did you choose to... How'd you guys walk through that? Yes.

Carrie:

Like the hope and the excitement.

Brittany:

Yeah. Oh, for

Carrie:

sure. There's gotta be a lot of layers.

Brittany:

It... It's it's interesting. So when we lost her, I could tell immediately the enemy was right there being like, you're never gonna be a mom. You're not... You know, all the things.

Brittany:

Right? And it's really interesting because even even recently, like, the Lord back then is kinda when he... I don't know how to even explain it, but but God was like, there is power in your decision. Like, let your yes be yes and your no be no. And so if I just had this like picture in my head or just this...

Brittany:

I don't even know how to explain it. If you... If I believe what the word says, like, believe it. You know what I mean? Like, don't entertain anything else, like, just believe that.

Brittany:

It doesn't mean that those thoughts won't come, but you get to choose if you entertain them or not.

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

And I was just like, no. And I remember... And that's kind of where even like my podcast originally got birthed out of is I'm like, I am... You're... I am so like discouraged in this moment to be honest.

Brittany:

I... I'm walking through loss. Everything I dreamed for my future is not here anymore, you know? Like everything got blown up. Mhmm.

Brittany:

It doesn't look the way I thought it would. And what what do I do now kind of? Like, where do I go from here? And it's like, I just had this revelation of like, I either believe or I don't, you know? And and it doesn't mean you shouldn't struggle, but you do...

Brittany:

You can decide. And I was like, no, I'm just choosing in lore. The enemy's trying to discourage me. I'm gonna do anything I can to encourage someone else because it's not gonna end with me. That's just gonna fuel my fire.

Brittany:

And actually, when she... When I was in the car, actually, we found out that she didn't have a heartbeat. We got... I was with my mom because my husband was in New York, and I get in the car. And the first thing I said was...

Brittany:

I was so sad and I was like, I'm so glad that she's not gonna ever have to experience heartache like this. Like, I... She's just she's just with Jesus. Like, how amazing that she got to bypass all of this, you know? And I was just like, sorry.

Brittany:

Sometimes when I'm talking, especially since losing my mom, I'll go back to a memory that she's in and it's like, it's... It kinda like... It's almost like I'm back there again in a moment and I'm like, she was so amazing. So I get distracted a little bit. But then I also wanna like honor that and not blow by it because all I have now are memories.

Brittany:

So why would I try to rush rush out of my head? You know what I mean? But anyways, I... Yeah. I just decided.

Brittany:

I was like, no. I I I I remember that that was the thing in the car and I was like, I just remember like kinda in. I said it out loud, but I was like, I kinda got a smile almost and I was like, devil, like, you you pissed off the wrong person. You pissed off the wrong mom. Like, I know what you're trying to do.

Brittany:

It's not going to work. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to fulfill every call that God... You know, I just got defiant, but in the things of God versus, like, tempted. Now that being said, was I ever tempted?

Brittany:

Yes. We never found out they autopsied her. They did so many tests on me. It was COVID by this point. And so, getting the answers and whatnot.

Brittany:

And my doctor was like, have good news and bad news. And we're like, okay. She goes, the good news is like, we can find nothing. We have no reason for this. And that's kinda like the bad news too because we don't know...

Brittany:

Like, we can't tell you that it will or won't happen again. And I was like, I'm just gonna choose like... We prayed. I said, Lord, if something happened that needs to be... That was wrong with me, we'll say, let it...

Brittany:

If it was something wrong with her, I could know or not know it won't change it. But if I would like to go on to to have children, I believe you've put that in my heart. I think it's an... I think we're going to. But...

Brittany:

So if there's something to be found, let it be found so that we can either address it or pray over it. And she's like, we haven't found anything. So that was when I got to decide. I can either be terrified of like, shoot, we didn't find a reason so every little thing that happens might be the reason. Or I can be like, no, actually, there wasn't a reason.

Brittany:

So... And that... These are separate pregnancies, you know? Like, that was that journey. This is its own journey.

Brittany:

You know? It's amazing. Yeah. But to have the the mental, you just get real good at taking your thoughts captive.

Carrie:

I was just gonna say that's that's such an such a needed encouragement, Brittany, because peep- so many women walk through miscarriage, so many women walk through infertility. Whatever your story is, that there's just such a common thread of like, now I'm scared to hope. Oh, I'm pregnant again, but like, so what? So it's really scary to say, thank you Jesus. And this is gonna be- and to hope in, like you said, like, I'm still going to be a mom.

Carrie:

I think a lot of girls, it's it's... I imagine like it's just such a mental wrestle. And so I think that's so beautiful. Like, yes, take every thought captive. And you just...

Carrie:

Yeah. Your faith is really beautiful. You're such an encouragement. Yeah. Just walking through hard things and there's...

Carrie:

It's not easy.

Brittany:

Don't get me wrong. It's very simple. It's not easy. I think that's like the theme that I found for things. Like when it comes to the things of God, they're very simple.

Brittany:

We over complicate everything, but they're not easy. Like they're they're hard and you need Him. And I think that's by design, you know, like...

Carrie:

Yeah. It's like we can say these things, but then when push comes to shove, do we do we walk it out? Do we really believe that he is who he says he is? Yep. And...

Carrie:

Yeah. And it's okay

Brittany:

to have moments where you're like, oh no, like this... It's not like, oh, if you have a doubt or if you have a moment. Because the thing that I've... That I realized is I'm like, oh, there's there's like a spirit of fear and worry and like disaster thinking that I think a lot of moms, even if you've never experienced loss, it's like, oh, no, this is the most precious thing

Carrie:

to me. Yeah. My brain

Brittany:

goes crazy places. Yeah. And it does. But then when but then when the thing that you don't think would ever happen happens or there's no reason for it, you know, it's like, oh, this actually isn't in theory or could happen, like, is now my lived experience.

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

That's when it gets a little harder because you're like, oh, it's not like, oh, you could miscarry. It's like, did... You know? And that's where you really do have to, yeah, just take your thoughts captive and be like, that was then, this is now. Mhmm.

Brittany:

Even if Mhmm. This happens again, I ushered another life into heaven. Yeah. God, you have a plan, you have a purpose. Their life is gonna mean something always.

Brittany:

You know what I mean? Totally.

Carrie:

You will Like, use

Brittany:

if we didn't... If everything went according to plan, we wouldn't need to know God is our redeemer. Right? Like, he he redeems the things that the enemy tries to come in and blow up. And just the results of living in a fallen world.

Brittany:

But there were definitely were moments in my pregnancy with my daughter, not a ton, but I think there were two. Because I I just wouldn't even let myself go there. But there was one time when I'm like, I don't... It just felt off and I couldn't like feel her really moving and I was like really nervous. And we were in New York and Kellen's like, do you wanna go to the doctor?

Brittany:

Like, do you wanna go to the hospital because it was late at night? And I'm like, I think I do. Yeah. And I and I prayed before. Was like, Lord, now if I was running to the hospital every two days...

Brittany:

Because I'm like, I don't... I need... That's a spirit of fear. Right? Mhmm.

Brittany:

But I was like, Lord,

Carrie:

it's

Brittany:

been this many... It's been this long since my last doctor's appointment and I'm feeling so. Well, she had just turned, you know? Okay. Yeah.

Brittany:

It was at that point in pregnancy where instead of being like head down, she was sideways and it was totally normal. But that's why it felt weird. They immediately found a heartbeat and I had so much peace. And I did not feel like God was like, why didn't you trust me? I feel like he was like, no, those are the moments.

Brittany:

Go. Like, you have resources. Go. And You so... But there...

Brittany:

Even with my son and even today, I will be fully honest and transparent. I... And it's not that I wish other people didn't get to experience this, but there's a part of me that, like, still grieves the fact that, like, when I see people pregnant with their first child and get to carry that child to term and take them home and raise them, there's still moments that I'm like, I'm kinda jealous Mhmm. Because there was an element even though I chose to believe and I knew in my heart and I knew my spirit I was gonna have the children that I have now. Like, I knew that they were supposed to be here.

Brittany:

There's still like that element of like kind of bracing for impact and like it's that every day being like, Lord, I give it to you. I get like... Yeah. It's not a... It's like it's losing me

Carrie:

a little bit of it's like innocence in a sense of just like... Oh, this is so funny. I'm pregnant. A 100. It's not the carefree.

Brittany:

I'm, like, selfless

Carrie:

of the carefree.

Brittany:

I'm like, gosh. Darn it. You really do just get to enjoy this, don't you? Like, oh my gosh. But again, happy for them.

Carrie:

Yes.

Brittany:

It's the same with my mom right now where I'll look at people and I'll be like, I don't want anyone to lose their mom. And I'm like,

Carrie:

you still have your mom. Yeah. Like, oh my gosh. I can't imagine. Yes.

Carrie:

Grief is that. Yeah. So to go to a lighter topic for a second, this has been such an

Brittany:

impactful. Sorry. I know. Are you kidding? No.

Brittany:

No.

Carrie:

No. I... One of my

Brittany:

I'm like...

Carrie:

One of my dear friends lost her mom during COVID.

Brittany:

Sorry.

Carrie:

We had these conversations, and we've talked about... I wanna have her on the show to talk about this. Like, just know this isn't needed conversation. I know there's gonna be so many girls that are like... Whether it's the loss of a child or the loss of a parent or the loss of a friend, like, this conversation's needed, especially as moms.

Carrie:

Yeah. But, you did mention that you had, like, your kids very close together. Yeah. And I would just love to know, like, what what what did that look like for you guys? Like, was that like a chaotic...

Carrie:

When did like the... Because you're like, I don't know if I recommend it, but like also it's amazing. When did the... It get a little bit more like, okay. Now it just feels like we have two kids.

Carrie:

Yeah. Not like we are in, the... Totally. Well, I will preface it

Brittany:

with this. We... I got married at 30. So I got married later than I thought I would, not that thirties old. I just was like, oh, I'll get married like my mom at 24.

Brittany:

And then I was 24, I'm like, definitely not ready to get married. And so I met my husband just later than I thought I would. We got married later. We knew very quickly we were... Just due to some feminine issues, I was like, oh, this isn't probably gonna be easy for us.

Brittany:

And so God used doctors. We didn't do IVF or anything, but I did have, I don't even know the number anymore, but, fibroids just cover it. Like there was no wall space on my uterus for anything to even implant, if that makes sense. So it was like, that was, yeah. So anyways, we figured that out, went to the great doctors, had severe, endometriosis, adenomyosis, all the things.

Brittany:

I had a surgery that was not well known at the time. I think it's a little more now. And literally, goodness. So we had our very very early miscarriage then we figured out all the fertility things, had the surgery, then got pregnant, like two months after the surgery and that was our first daughter. And so lost her, got out of the hospital, my body had been through a lot, but there was just something...

Brittany:

Again, it's it's hard to explain. It was just... Yeah. The holy spirit was just like, go for it. You know what I mean?

Brittany:

Like, you just... We... You have that impression in your spirit. We felt okay. I wasn't lit in fear.

Brittany:

I just knew it. And so we got pregnant with her. We had her. Easiest pregnancy of my life. Like, it was such a...

Brittany:

Yeah. That's why I'm like, the gender things I don't think really count because I had two girls and one was a horrible... Not horrible pregnancy, just a harder So sick for so long. And then with Ashton, my daughter now who's five, not a not a second of morning sickness. And I was like Isn't it crazy?

Carrie:

Yeah. She was like, what

Brittany:

a gift. I was ready to like do it all again. And he... I was like, what an... Thanks Lord.

Brittany:

And so she was a great pregnancy. We had her, she was in emergency c section in New York in the middle of COVID. So that was like a whole thing. That... Yeah.

Brittany:

It was... That's a whole... That's a whole another podcast. But we did that. And then, we...

Brittany:

When she was three months old, we moved from New York back to California. We moved to Newport Beach. And we were just in like the sweetest season. I think we had just come off of like just so much as a lot of people had. And we landed in just one of the best places to heal.

Brittany:

And so, yeah, when she was six months old, I think, we were like... I just... We both knew there was another one. You know, it's hard to explain because some people are like, I want another one. But we were just...

Brittany:

I'm like, I just know for a fact, like, we have another child and they're waiting on us in a way, you know? And I was like, okay, God. And so we were praying. And then when she was... She was a great sleeper, still is.

Brittany:

You know, it's just... It was not... It was a very easy decision because our capacity felt like we had more to give. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Brittany:

She was just that type of... That's how... The way our life was. Also with my husband's job, he wasn't working like a nine to five every day and gone and I was doing... We were very much a team.

Brittany:

It was just such

Carrie:

Works. Like a good season to do that too. Totally. Because it's acting so all over the place. It's like sometimes it's probably crazy.

Carrie:

And if you have a time where it's not, it's like Yeah. Have the kids. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it

Brittany:

was just it just like... Yeah. Exactly. It was just like, why why wouldn't we? You know?

Brittany:

Like, I feel totally good. I feel healthy. I feel healed, you know, all the things. And my husband was like, yeah, I'm up for it too. And so then we, yeah, I got pregnant with our son.

Brittany:

Yeah. Like eight months later, seven, eight months later. And then had him... So how far apart are they? So they're seventeen months apart, seventeen and a half months apart.

Brittany:

And when we had him and brought him home, he was a harder, like, postpartum journey, I'll say. Just as far as like that... Wasn't a hard... He was kind of a harder pregnancy. My son, I feel like sucked more from me than my daughter did, if that makes sense.

Brittany:

It's hard to explain. But if you have children, you probably understand that. It's just different pregnancies do different things to your body. I also don't know if it was the fact that I had had three pregnancies, three postpartum journeys, three like Oh my gosh. All so much on years.

Carrie:

Hormones, body. That's a lot. Yeah. Did you do a VBAC or c section again?

Brittany:

I ended up doing a c section again. Okay. It was interesting because I really wanted, I really wanted to do a VBAC. I was like, no Lord, I wanna have a vaginal birth. I wanna take this baby home.

Brittany:

I want like a redemption of the first time. You know, it was like in my mind. And the Lord is so kind that he like will kinda like knock you on the head in a really loving way and be like, hello. And you're like, oh, I'm so sorry. But I had...

Brittany:

I was starting to make having a VBAC like an idol in my life for sure. I was more focused on how I was going to give birth to this miracle child. Because the other thing is with my first... With our late loss when we lost Sunny, there... Every doctor...

Brittany:

Because we... My husband and I move a lot. Every doctor that had seen me since was like... Would look at my stack of paperwork of my medical records and be like, I am shocked that you even have your uterus. Like, any other doctor would have done an immediate hysterectomy.

Brittany:

The fact that you even have a uterus and could have more children. So there are a lot of things at play that are... That's the other reason why I'm like, Lord, I know that you have children for me to carry because you wouldn't... You know what I mean? Like, you kept my uterus intact.

Brittany:

Like, And it's a so... But anyways, yeah. We... It it was a bit of a wild ride initially with like the two under two, but it was just like, I think it was all we knew too. Like, we knew it was a lot, but it didn't feel any more than anything else.

Brittany:

Like two in diapers. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you have two in... Like, we're just doing the same thing. You're on autopilot. Right?

Brittany:

Like, it's no big deal. And so it was it was the sweetest season now that they're getting a little older and I don't know if there are any more for us, but, we're not actively trying, but we... The door isn't like closed, you know, and you're kinda like, I don't know. I'm getting older, but it's like, Lord, you can do whatever you want. But because they...

Brittany:

We did everything like kinda so close together, now that they're getting older, it's like, oh, you really... Like we look back and it did go so fast because I'm sure. The baby season instead of having it over like seven years or, you know, because you have one that kinda leaves and then you have another one that kinda Totally. Like having them spaced out, they kinda... We did it all together.

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

And now we're like, oh, don't you just miss like...

Carrie:

Yeah. It's like you had that face for like a year and a half and then it kinda like kept moving.

Brittany:

And there were crazy moments. And at the same time, it was like... It really was... And it was beautiful because my husband and I, it was just us four kind of. We were in a new neighborhood.

Brittany:

I was tired, obviously. We just kind of we were just like such a little unit, the four of us. So like, I look back at that. We both look back at that with like such fond memories.

Carrie:

That's precious. Like... Are they really close? Because they're so close in age.

Brittany:

Super close.

Carrie:

That's so fun.

Brittany:

Their bond is tight.

Carrie:

So fun.

Brittany:

They are... Yeah. They're they're little besties and... Yeah. But I will say that, like, unless God is telling you, like, hey, pump them out year after year, I wouldn't, like, recommend it.

Brittany:

But again, it's... That's a very personal journey. Yeah. Yeah. So I......

Brittany:

Pray about. It's a... It is a... It was a lot, at least for me on my body. And I don't know if it was, like...

Carrie:

Like you said, that's also three. You know

Brittany:

what I mean?

Carrie:

That's a lot. Yeah. That's a lot.

Brittany:

Well, my friend Tori has had three in three years. Although now they're taking a little break. I'm like... But she... And she's handled it well.

Brittany:

I have not. So I don't know that it's... Again, everyone's capacity is different

Carrie:

Mhmm.

Brittany:

And your body is different. So you have to just, like, seek God for what's right for you. But just because you see homegirl Yeah. Doing one every year does not necessarily mean God wants you to have one every year.

Carrie:

Yes. Talk to more about your body about what's right for Exactly. Okay. I wanna finish up by doing... I wrote out some fun would you rather questions.

Brittany:

Yay.

Carrie:

And I wanna I wanna get to them. Actually, before I do that, the last thing I wanted to mention is you and your husband are adorable. And I love your I love your I love your love on Instagram. I think it's so cute. And you'll post things sometimes about like, I just I just like this.

Carrie:

Like, my friend and I were... There was somebody else that posted something similar and it's like this message. Just like just loving each other, even in front of your kids, like just having them know that that you love each other. How do you guys like... I don't know.

Carrie:

How do guys prioritize your marriage right now? Like in the thick of parenting and everything, how do you guys... It because seems like you're so you're so in love and it's precious. And like you mentioned, have been hard seasons and Yeah. You guys are in like a really solid place right now, is also really beautiful, like walking through grief to feel like you guys are so solid.

Carrie:

But yeah, like what what has your... What does your marriage look like right now?

Brittany:

Yeah. I love it. We we very much like are obsessed with each other and we love our marriage and we have gone through like rough patches because mainly we just didn't... We weren't doing it. What...

Brittany:

We weren't fully healed. And I think that's the thing like he and I have... We had passed before we got together and we're like, we found each other. This is amazing. And there's still like, God just has to...

Brittany:

Like, pursuing holiness and pursuing holiness together and, having a relationship with the Lord together, you know, like those things are just the best to have at the core. And yeah, we just had some growing pains. We've gotten over them. Well, they're... We're gonna continue, I'm sure, because we're constantly growing, but we're in such a good place.

Brittany:

The things that we do, a, we're just best friends. Like we would wrap... Like if, you know, we wanna call someone, we'll call each other, you know. We have... We, like, kinda make each other, like, go out with your boys, go out with your girls.

Brittany:

And we love it. Of course, we love our friends, but we would just prefer to spend time with each other. Mhmm. But one thing we do, like, every morning, like, we pray together in the morning and we pray together at night. We read, the bible together every morning and we do it in front of the kids and they know.

Brittany:

And it's like, are they gonna interrupt? Sometimes, yeah. But we're also teaching them to respect and honor what we're doing. You can be around us, but for this thirty minutes, we're gonna be doing this. So if you...

Brittany:

And they'll like bring up a meat stick or string cheese or something, know, like, and then we'll open it. It's not like a...

Carrie:

Is... Get out of here.

Brittany:

Yeah. No. No. It's like they're always welcome.

Carrie:

That's really sweet.

Brittany:

And they'll like sit on

Carrie:

our laps while we're reading.

Brittany:

You know, like Romans right now. And, yeah, I mean, they're they're they're kids. They're meant... They're supposed to, like, get in the way. They're supposed...

Brittany:

Like, that's the whole point. And I think it's just, for us, I... I'm... I don't even know. We just...

Brittany:

We always talk to each other. We're very big on, like, if they... And our kids are really good. They don't, talk back. I mean, they're four and five, so I I...

Brittany:

Maybe we're not there yet. But, but we're very much like, if I'm saying something to him, if I'm having a conversation or whatever, if I'm trying to tell him a story and someone just walks up and interrupts, he'll be like, excuse me. He's like, I'm talking to my wife. You can wait right here as soon as she's done with her sentence. I'll...

Brittany:

You know, so it's like teaching them like, hey, a, in conversation, don't just interrupt. Like... Or come say, excuse me, daddy. Excuse me, mommy. But also, like, I asked my daughter the other day.

Brittany:

I was like, who does daddy love more than anyone in the world? Just curious. And she's like, mommy. And I was like, that's so sweet. Because he...

Brittany:

When I tell you he's the most active father, like, I would have thought she would have been like me, you know, but the fact she's like, mommy, I was like, oh, that's really sweet. I was like, who else? And she's like, me and Casey. And I was like, that's right. But...

Brittany:

Yeah. I mean, it's also been an interesting season because when we moved here, my mom was like our babysitter. And that was the one person again, I think most moms are like this, but especially if you've experienced loss and how precious you're like, I don't trust my child to anybody. Right? Yeah.

Brittany:

So we're we're still growing out of that. But we, you know, then she got sick and so we're like, okay. Then we... I had to be like, okay, I have to be okay with babysitters, you know, like Brittany, you have

Carrie:

to grow and like they're That's

Brittany:

whole different thing. That's a whole different thing.

Carrie:

Your mom is... Your mom and your mother-in-law so different than So different. Babysitters. I don't know why. Love babysitters but like Me too.

Carrie:

It's different.

Brittany:

It's different. And so we found a couple girls over the summer. And so my husband really loves, like, date nights or, like, to go do fun... Something fun together, just the two of us. And so he's...

Brittany:

I will not. He's better at that than I am because I just get caught up in like the day to day and then I am not as intentional about planning and all of that. So we try to do that. But even if it's, hey, tonight, kids are going to bed early and we're gonna like play cards or we're gonna... You know what I mean?

Brittany:

Just do something to connect. Mhmm. We don't really... I will say we do watch shows together, but we don't view that as like connecting. That's kinda like laying next to each other watching a common thing.

Brittany:

Yes. The conversation after, like, after the show or the next morning, that's the connecting. So if we do... But do you know what I

Carrie:

mean? Oh, totally. We just we just... It's not like quality time. No.

Carrie:

No. No. But it is like...

Brittany:

It can be relaxing and chill time. And that's not a bad thing. But, like, we very much try to be intentional about, like, connecting a

Carrie:

date night. Yeah.

Brittany:

Yeah. And I do think, like, I do think experiencing... Well, when you go through hard things, you can't come out the same on the other side. You're either more fractured or more solid. And so I think if you both just decide, like, let's do the things we need to do to be more solid, it's just like once you're living in the fruit of that, it's like, oh, this is great.

Brittany:

Like Yeah. Why wouldn't everyone choose this? But again, it's simple, but it's not easy all of you. So... That's so true.

Carrie:

I love that. I'm gonna start using that. I mean, you're talking to my quote. Okay. I'm gonna give you some would you rather's for funsies.

Carrie:

Okay.

Brittany:

I'm so bad at this, by the way, too, I'm, like, terrible at make...

Carrie:

Like... Making decisions. Making decisions. It's okay. I'm putting you on the spot.

Carrie:

I'm putting you on the spot. Okay. Would you rather wake up before everyone else in the house or stay up after everyone goes to bed?

Brittany:

I would rather wake up, but sometimes I'll stay up a little later. It just depends.

Carrie:

And you naturally end up staying up later? Like, is it easier to accidentally stay up later than it is to?

Brittany:

Yes. But one thing I've been doing recently... Well, actually, and especially... So I was sleeping with my phone in the other room, unless my husband's out of town, he travels a lot, then I'll have it next But, to when my mom got sick, I had my phone next to me because my dad was calling and there were things going on. But I've since she's passed, I've been putting it back in the bathroom.

Brittany:

And I don't I don't... Like, I can make myself stay up, but I'm very tired at the end of the day. I'm like, without like stimuli, I'm like, oh, I'm just crashing out.

Carrie:

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I feel that. I feel that. I've been playing like a Lectio Divina.

Carrie:

I don't know if know that app. But it's just like a it's just like a devotional app, morning, noon, and night. I don't listen to it all the time. I love it. But I've been doing it at night lately, especially if he's working late and I'm going to bed by myself.

Carrie:

And I'll play it. I never make it through. It's ten minutes. I'm like, I don't think I make it past like two minutes in. Yes.

Carrie:

Which is mom life, I feel like. You're like, oh my Totally. I'm out. Okay. Would you rather have a completely clean house with no relax time or a messy house with three hours to yourself?

Brittany:

Oh, messy with three hours. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Also, ladies, don't use nap time as a time to be productive.

Brittany:

Oh. Need a little bit of rest too.

Carrie:

Mhmm. Mhmm. Say that. So my son just adjusted to the one nap thing. Game changer.

Carrie:

Because now I have like two to three... Because he used to take like two one hour naps and it's like, we're not getting anything done here. I'm not even getting a full rest. Like, nothing's happening. Like, maybe I filled the laundry.

Carrie:

But now with that, like, two to three hours, I feel like my life has opened up and I'm like, I could take a real nap or like Yes. I could... And maybe like fold laundry. Yes. But I...

Carrie:

That's such good advice. Yeah. Because it's so easy to be like, okay, I'm gonna do all the things. And then like

Brittany:

that, then do it. I'm just saying I think I think we're tempted. Like, even still my kids... Well, they don't usually nap, but I'll be like hour of quiet time, go to your rooms. That's the time that I'm like, I could do a white tornado around the house and just clean everything, but I've been forcing myself like, do nothing.

Brittany:

Mhmm. Good for you. It's very uncomfortable sometimes, but I'm like, oh, this is very restorative. Yes.

Carrie:

This is also really hard to do if like there's things around your house. You're like, don't look to the right or left. Exactly. 100%. Yep.

Carrie:

Would you rather go to Target alone or take a two hour nap?

Brittany:

Oh. Probably a two hour nap. Yeah. I love to sleep.

Carrie:

I would rather take a two hour nap. I really like to sleep. But it is fun to go

Brittany:

by yourself. It's fun to

Carrie:

go anywhere alone I these think it's... Yeah. It's fun

Brittany:

to go anywhere. Like with the kids, but I'm already ADHD. So I'm like, to try to focus on the thing at hand. If I don't have a list, God help me. Yeah.

Brittany:

But I'm like, you stay here. You do this. Please don't... What are you... The the the...

Brittany:

You know? It's crazy to go anywhere without kids. Like, when you

Carrie:

go shopping or groceries or anything, and he has what? Like, it's... I just... I feel like I'm, I don't know, 15 again.

Brittany:

Yes. Have a... Would you

Carrie:

rather have a personal chef or a housekeeper?

Brittany:

Oh, a housekeeper because I love to cook.

Carrie:

Yeah. I love to cook. Oh, that's so fun. Are you the cook or is your husband a cook or both?

Brittany:

You? I am. Okay.

Carrie:

Might need to get some recipes from you. I'm... I love to cook, but I'm uninspired, if that makes sense. Yes. I enjoy it.

Carrie:

I just feel like I make the same 10 things

Brittany:

all the time. I get that.

Carrie:

Okay. Would you rather never have to do laundry or dishes again?

Brittany:

Oh, man. You know what? I don't mind doing laundry. I don't love putting it away. I feel the same way.

Brittany:

I don't know what that is.

Carrie:

Like holding it, but then it's gonna sit there. I don't know what that is. I don't wanna put it in the drawer or put... Hang it up.

Brittany:

Yeah. I I... Yeah. So I feel like I feel like if the if the laundry included the pudding of wood, I'd probably have someone just do the laundry. Yeah.

Brittany:

I like to do it.

Carrie:

I just

Brittany:

don't like to put it away. I don't like And I do put it away. It's like, actually don't... We don't have... I don't keep it out, but I don't I don't like Every time, I don't like it.

Carrie:

That's the part I always like... Yeah. And then dishes, I I just... I don't know. We do a lot of cast iron skillets, and my arms just get so tired from cleaning those things.

Carrie:

I feel like this arm is jacked because I'm, like, always lifting it

Brittany:

up and doing the scrubbing

Carrie:

and I'm like, I'm so tired. If I could not have to clean my cast iron skillet, someone could just come in to clean those, I'd be like really happy. I love that. Would you rather have your kid draw on the wall or cut their own hair?

Brittany:

Oh, draw on the wall. Yeah. They've they've done both. But draw on the wall. We...

Brittany:

We're very... If you ever come to our home, it's a kid friendly house. Like, we have... That's because my husband is a giant child. So we don't teach them to draw on the walls.

Brittany:

But like It's happened. If we give them a set... Like my husband is that person, be like, yeah. Have this section draw on the wall. Like, have have a blast.

Brittany:

But I'm like, please don't cut your hair.

Carrie:

Yeah. Like... Don't cut bangs. Okay. Would you rather your child dump an entire container of flour on the floor or flush something expensive down the toilet?

Brittany:

That's a great question. I don't feel like we have a ton of expensive things, but let's say if it was like my my wedding or something. Yeah. The flour for sure.

Carrie:

Would I would rather the flour. The flour sounds like a pain. Yeah. The other day, I was cooking something. I don't remember.

Carrie:

I was at the stove and he got really quiet, which is never good. No. And I turn around and he's taken the pancake mix, dumped it, and is doing like snow angels in it with his hands. And I was like, okay. Would you rather have a perfect family photo or a funny candid that perfectly captures the stage?

Carrie:

A funny candid. Yeah. And if you look

Brittany:

at most of our family photos, they're like,

Carrie:

I imagine that easy. It's like, that's probably hard to like.

Brittany:

Also, I'm like, if you can capture everyone smiling in an honest moment, amazing. But I'm very big on like, I don't want the appearance. I want what it was actually like. Like, when we're 80 and sitting on the porch, I don't wanna look at like, oh my god. Do you remember how we had to bribe those Skittles and this?

Brittany:

And we had to pinch their booty and be like, sit here and smile. Like, no, I would much rather the picture of like, oh my gosh, that was so... Do you remember that? Do you remember what they were doing? Like, a moment of life versus a moment of, like, stiffness.

Brittany:

Yeah. That's so true. That's so true.

Carrie:

Okay. Last one. Would you rather handle bedtime every night with your kids or the morning routine every morning?

Brittany:

Oh my gosh. I love them both to be honest. Like, there are moments... There are sometimes when I will... Like, I will always like say goodnight, but bedtime can be like longer if we want if we want it to.

Brittany:

And so sometimes if like over the summer and when my mom was sick, like if I'd come home from the hospital with her, I'd be like, I don't think I have it in me to, like, do the really long thing tonight. Can you do it while I just take some time with Jesus? And he's like, of course. And so... But I would cry if I couldn't do bedtime.

Brittany:

And our mornings we do together. So like bedtime is like one on one time and we pray and we talk about the day and we do books and all of that. But then the morning, like, they help me make breakfast and they help me. Do you know what I mean?

Carrie:

Yeah. So That's sweet. I don't know. See that age, that sounds like a lot

Brittany:

of Also, if you have kids in school and a lot of tasks to do, which we're not in that season of life, maybe I'd feel differently. Yeah. I'm like, I want them both.

Carrie:

Yeah. I I think lately, he's been working late and so I've been doing most of the bedtime, which I really love.

Brittany:

Yeah.

Carrie:

I... Because he works late, he sleeps in like an hour past me sometimes. And so I'm like, I would love lately. Normally, would say bedtime. But lately, I've been like, a morning where I don't have to cook that breakfast, like, that sounds really nice.

Carrie:

Like the sleep

Brittany:

in morning Yeah.

Carrie:

Sounds Yeah. Amazing. I get that. But, you know, there'll be a season for that. Yeah.

Carrie:

Okay. Last question I always ask, what would be your best piece of advice for a new mom?

Brittany:

Oh, man. Just really really... It says in the Bible, the Holy Spirit will teach you all things. So read the books, get your friends advice, all the things that... That's great.

Brittany:

And no one else is parenting your child but you. God gave your child to you specifically. So that means everything you need is already inside of you and in Christ Jesus. So don't consume too much of the mom content Mhmm. I would say.

Brittany:

Yeah. Because that can just confuse you. And then your child absorbs that and they're like, what are you doing, mom? Think just like turning a lot of the noise off Mhmm. And just getting along with the Lord and being like, a, praying over your kids like we talked about.

Brittany:

Like, pleading the blood of Jesus over them, praying for their futures, praying for just all of it. And just asking God, like, what do you want me to do with them today? You know? How is... How do I solve this problem?

Brittany:

And if he leads you to a mom account or if he leads you to a book, yes, read it. Mhmm. But I would just say go there first before your friends, before the internet, before that. Because... Yeah.

Brittany:

Yeah. Because it's it's over... It's too much. It's

Carrie:

too much? Yeah.

Brittany:

And they're excited. They don't have your kids.

Carrie:

Yeah. So it worked for them. Probably Exactly. Not for

Brittany:

It depends. It might. And if it does, praise Jesus. But, like, don't go there first. Yes.

Brittany:

Because you might try 37 things before you find the thing that works. And had you just gone to God to begin with, he would have been, like, do that. And he

Carrie:

would

Brittany:

have been, like, great. And then, you know?

Carrie:

I love that. Yeah. So good. Brittany, this was such an amazing conversation. Thank you so much for being here.

Carrie:

Oh my gosh. Thanks for

Brittany:

glad having we got

Carrie:

to do this finally. Again. Sorry if it was a little heavy. No. Maybe in future, it'll be like,

Brittany:

you know, It'll

Carrie:

be crazy. But no, this is so this is so needed. And I also just wanna say you are someone that speaks with such hope and joy, even in the midst of genuine grief and suffering. You just feel Jesus when you, when you speak. So I really, I admire that.

Carrie:

And I really pray that moms that listen to this just feel the hope of Christ, even in the heaviness, because this isn't, maybe there's heaviness in the episode, but you carry such a lightness within that. It's all Him. Yeah.

Brittany:

And it's available to everyone and everyone.