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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's word, afternoon or evening. Thank you for taking some time to spend with me. And I wanna talk about a subject that actually, I think. Impacts a lot of us, uh, definitely has impacted me and still rears its ugly head.
And, and that's the concept of people pleasing. So, question for you. Have you ever found yourself consistently saying yes when you actually want to say no? Or do you find yourself prioritizing everyone else's happiness over [00:01:00] your own? Research suggests that people pleasing behaviors are actually more widespread than we may think, and it's, uh, very common amongst high achieving and also empathetic people.
So I wanna unpack today together with you, uh, not only the psychology behind people pleasing, but why it becomes such an ingrained habit. And then of course, how do we, how do we shift out of it? Uh, I don't, and I wanna say it's not a one and done thing. I think this is a. It's, it's, um, something that I think we continue to work on, or at least for me, I have to continue to work on it.
So the very first thing that I wanna start with is just, um, really sort of defining what people pleasing is from a psychological perspective, because I think people pleasing sometimes we, we, it, we lose track of what it actually means. So people pleasing refers to this, uh. Consistent, or we can even say persistent tendency to prioritize other people's needs, desires, opinions over your own.
[00:02:00] And oftentimes it is at the expense of your own wellbeing or maybe even your own authenticity. And psychologists explain that. People pleasing typically emerges from a combination of social conditioning, uh, our own personality traits such as having high empathy or agreeableness. Um. And it can also stem from a deeper seated fear of rejection or conflict, or just also the need to be accepted and to belong according to the Author of Disease to please.
Chronic people pleasers often find subconsciously they believe that their worth is directly tied to gaining approval or avoiding disapproval. Uh, the author actually emphasizes that while wanting to help or please others is a natural and, and it's actually a pro a positive thing that. It's that when we chronically people please, that's when it becomes harmful.
Uh, I often will say when I over rotate into my empathy, that's when the people pleasing comes online, and it usually means that I'm losing track of my own self in, in the efforts of making sure someone [00:03:00] else is okay. Uh, and oftentimes the author also does say that it's driven by anxiety or fear. Rather than genuinely wanting to do something.
So from a neuroscience perspective, people pleasing behaviors generally activate, uh, reward pathways in the brain associated with receiving that approval or that praise and neuroimaging research. Um. Was published in social, cognitive, and effective neuroscience found that found that individuals who habitually seek approval demonstrate these heightened activity in their brain areas when they anticipate social approval.
So this neurological activation reinforces those people pleasing behaviors and why it makes it more difficult to change. The other thing I wanna say is that attachment theory has also shed some light on these people pleasing tendencies. So individuals who develop a more insecure attachment style or even an anxious attachment style during childhood will often they, they often rely excessively on that external validation.
And so, um, and [00:04:00] that external validation actually, uh. Increases their self-worth. So psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson actually had highlighted how, uh, these attachment patterns will fuel the need for external reassurance. And then that drives the chronic people pleasing behaviors because that's how they get their, their self-worth, you know, um, they feel more worthy cognitive behavioral perspectives, um, in offer.
The thought that people pleasers often, uh, have that distorted. Those distorted thinking patterns. So again, um, and I mentioned this before in another episode, but they're referred to as cognitive distortions, uh, which is just a, um, there are cognitive, it's almost like a different ways of looking at things.
So catastrophizing, right? If I say no to this, the relationship will fall apart. So people pleasers will naturally catastrophize and they'll think to themselves, if they don't do X for somebody, then that person is gonna. Dislike them forever, and then they're never gonna have that relationship anymore. Or they personalize something.
If I disappoint somebody, then they're a bad [00:05:00] person. So those cognitive distortions, uh, will continue to build that pattern of people pleasing habits because they increase anxiety around setting boundaries or expressing what you do or don't wanna do. And it's just important to understand from a scientific perspective or a psychological perspective, where that might be coming from because it, it is.
It's more deeply rooted. And what happens is it's rooted in some limiting beliefs. And so it's not, um, it's not to shame yourself or to say that I failed in some way. It's just to really create some understanding around it. And so, you know, once we have that understanding, then we can start, start to take steps towards how do we start break, how do we start to break down the pattern of people pleasing?
So the very first thing that I would say is that. One of the most important things that I learned was boundary setting skills. Um, research routinely suggests that boundary setting is essential to start overcoming people pleasing. And, uh, Brene Brown, her research on vulnerability and [00:06:00] authenticity emphasizes that clear boundaries actually increase your empathy and compassion and help build genuine relationships because you're reducing resentment and anxiety.
So by practicing saying no. Firmly, but you know also respectfully in these low stake situations first, that can gradually increase your comfort with it. It, as I like to say, it builds the muscle, right? It builds the muscle of learning to say no. So you do it in these low stake situations and you gradually increase it into what you would consider more high stakes.
But it will, when you're doing the low stakes situations, it'll build your confidence that you can say no, or that you can set some boundaries of what works for you and what doesn't. The second thing. That we can utilize in order to break down these people Pleasing behaviors are, uh, cognitive, reframing your thought patterns.
So changing some of those distorted thought patterns. Um, for example, if there's the catastrophic thinking that if I say no to this, then this person will no longer be friends with me or will no longer be in [00:07:00] relationship with me. We can shift that into, um, you know, people who genuinely respect me are gonna understand that.
Uh, I, I can't do this or I, I have these boundaries, but just being able to regularly reframe will reduce the anxiety around not just boundary setting, but also, um, you know, just being able to, to speak up for yourself. Uh, of course there's self-compassion, which I routinely go back to. Uh, Dr. Kristin Neff is the.
Main researcher on self-compassion, and it's a, it's incredibly effective for people who are overcoming people pleasing tendencies because what self-compassion teaches us is that we need to lean into kindness over judgment, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. So if we practice these affirmations rooted in self-compassion, so for instance, my worth isn't defined.
By other people's approval, or it's okay for me to put my needs first. We routinely practice those. They will gradually start to reshape how our brain sees saying no to somebody, or [00:08:00] not necessarily overgiving or over functioning. And then of course we have mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness is about how we come back to the present moment.
So if we find ourselves routinely in this people pleasing behavior, mindfulness based. Um, stress reduction studies have actually in indicated that these practices can, um, help us emotionally regulate and just help us become more self-aware. And so when we are more self-aware and we're more regulated, we can slow down and pay attention to whether we actually wanna say yes to something or we actually wanna do something versus just being in that habit of.
Continually people pleasing and doing for others. So you can even set daily reminders to check in with yourself, um, you know, and ask yourself, am I choosing to do this because I actually genuinely wanna do it? Or am I choosing to do it outta fear, fear, obligation, and just increasing your awareness will disrupt that automatic pattern of people pleasing.
I just. Wanna [00:09:00] really emphasize though that, um, stepping away from people pleasing isn't selfish. And, and I offer that because I do think that sometimes when people are used to us, people pleasing or over-functioning, they're going to have a reaction when we start taking steps to reduce that. And for some people, they're not gonna like it.
And, and they may even call you selfish. And it's important to remind yourself that, that you. No longer over functioning is actually not a selfish act at all. It's a self full act, and it's actually an act towards having healthier relationships with the people in your life. And you do deserve to be fully seen and heard and respected, and you don't need to be driven by the need to please or feeling that you.
You know, over-functioning is where you get your worth from. So just reclaiming your voice and reclaiming yourself is so absolutely important. And if you'd like to talk about how coaching can support you on that, especially if you find yourself in this, [00:10:00] this pattern of people pleasing, feel free to book a time with me anytime@coachwithKamini.com.
And until next time, stay well.