Is it a pattern or a problem? Understanding recurring arguments

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop over the exact same argument—whether it's about the dishes, a stray sock or household chores—you are not alone. It is easy to look at a recurring conflict and think it means your relationship is failing. But what if it’s just a normal byproduct of two human beings sharing a life together? 

In this episode of Life in the Grey, we dive into the messy reality of perpetual relationship problems, how to look past the surface-level frustration and build trust through small steps of vulnerability.

Related links: 

• Gottman Institute on perpetual problems 

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Creators and Guests

Host

Faith

Faith is a Singapore-born advocate for holistic wellbeing, informed by decades of personal exploration into counselling practices, therapy and trauma recovery. Although not a psychologist, she has developed a nuanced understanding of emotional wellness through her healing journey. Married and living in Singapore, Faith shares her home with two beloved cats and nurtures a passion for jump rope, finding both joy and valuable life lessons in it. Her outlook embraces a blend of physical, spiritual and emotional health, allowing curiosity, compassion and intentional consideration to guide her as she navigates the gentle greys that lie between life’s extremes.

Host

Melody

Melody is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. As the project leader for Mums At The Table, a vibrant community for mothers, Melody leads efforts to create meaningful content that helps mums navigate parenting while fostering deeper relationships with their children and local communities. With a background in media and communication, Melody uses her expertise to engage mothers in digital spaces, equipping them with practical tools for parenting and personal growth. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

What is Life in the Grey?

Life isn’t always black and white. Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, be that as a parent, a partner, or a peer. And don’t worry—it’s short because we ain't got time for fluff. Expect practical takeaways that you can apply to your own life, whether it’s navigating parenting challenges or finding balance amidst life’s demands. Join us each month as we share stories, insights, and reflections that encourage personal growth and foster a sense of connection in our community.

LITG Ep 018 Draft 260506 AUDIO ONLY

FAITH:
I came across a statistic recently that completely rearranged something inside of me. You can say that it dismantled a belief that I didn't even know that I was carrying and it shifted something in how I felt about the arguments that kept recurring in my marriage.

MELODY:
You got all that from a statistic.

FAITH:
And I'm going to tell you about this magical statistic. But first, welcome to Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast where we sit in the messy middle of relationships and growth. I'm Faith.

I'm a psychology trained creative who loves turning ideas that matter into content that reaches the people they're meant for.

MELODY:
And I'm Melody, a writer, a communicator, and project leader for Mums At The Table, the village it takes to raise a mum.

FAITH:
So, the statistic. The statistic, yes. The Gottman Institute found after drawing from decades of research on couples that 69%, okay, 69% of relationship conflicts are what they call perpetual problems.

These are disagreements that come back again and again. You relate, right? It's like flashing through all these little disagreements that it's coming back again and again throughout the life of the whole relationship.

And this is like no matter how much goodwill, how many honest, supportive conversations, how much effort both people bring in, these little arguments tend to come back again. Right? So, when I was first reading that, my brain went to places simultaneously.

And the first place it went to was, oh, thank goodness. Because if 69% of conflicts are perpetual, that means I'm not failing. We are not failing.

MELODY:
Yeah, that's true.

FAITH:
Right? We're just human. But then the second place my brain went to was, okay, so what? This is like, we have to live with this forever? Is this life that we have to take as it is right now? Because it doesn't sound like progress. It sounds like resignation.

MELODY:
Well, it sounds like recognition.
FAITH:
Oh, I like that. Because this is where it gets interesting, okay? Because what Gottman's research indicates is what separates stable couples from unstable ones is the quality of dialogue around those conflicts.

In other words, the difference is not whether the problems get solved, so to speak. It's whether the couple can talk about them.

MELODY:
It's like perpetual problems should have perpetual positive conversations.

FAITH:
Yes, they have perpetual experiences where both persons obviously resolve or at least leave the conversation, or at least the season of that challenging conversation is closed or rounded out by both parties feeling consistently heard and seen and integrated again, right?

MELODY:
Yeah, I think that makes sense. Because I was thinking about having these perpetual conversations, right? And that you need to feel heard and have positivity.

But the other thing that I was going to add to it, that I was thinking that needed to be added to it, is the ability for us not to drag up the past as well. So it's like, yes, you have the perpetual problem, right? And the usual reaction that we have is, we're doing this again.

And then you start bringing up everything that's happened before and saying, this is why it's happening again. And so you just kind of hold on to old grudges, right? But what you just said about the fact that when you have the conversations and you feel seen, and because you feel seen and heard, I don't think you then feel like you need to bring up the old grudges because they're no longer grudges because you've seen and heard. So it's resolved.

FAITH:
It comes down really because when we are in a difficult conversation, there's a lot of triggers. And so it comes down to patterns of how we react to these triggers. And sometimes bringing up, quote, unquote, old stories, maybe isn't so much as nagging or not able to let go, because that can sometimes be the perspective that we bring in.

And then it colours how we respond to these old stories. But sometimes maybe the person telling the story just needs us to see, hey, here's a pattern and I'm bringing the story because I want to show you that there's a pattern. And if I can show you there's a pattern, maybe you can start to see and we can start to talk about how we can break apart the pattern and make new patterns.

MELODY:
I guess it depends on how it's presented. It's presented versus like, you know, okay, this is what's been happening and maybe we need to try to fix it. Versus you're always doing this. This is what you are. And see, look at it. You've done it before and you're always doing it. It's the same thing. You're bringing up old instances, but the presentation is different.

FAITH:
It's whether or not we, correct, whether we present it as being punitive or are we here to truly listen and truly be able to say, you know, this is how it feels for me. You know, this is how it lands. Can we talk about what you intended, right?

MELODY:
Okay, so I'm interested, right? Because I do have perpetual problems. I want to know this Gottman Institute, how do they suggest it gets solved?

FAITH:
Okay, so before we go into that, I do need to put a very strong caveat here because I think that this reframing, this way of looking at perpetual problems can be misused because harmful patterns should not be dismissed by just saying, it's a perpetual problem, so forget it. This conversation is not about making peace with unhealthy dynamics that are harming you. Because Gottman's research is describing relationships where both people are genuinely trying, okay? Not relationships where one person is carrying everything or where contempt has become the default. So I think that distinction does matter.

MELODY:
Yeah, so I guess it's like the difference between, you know, me having the perpetual problem where my husband is always dragging his feet and unable to make a decision, real life instance. I love you still. Versus, and this is not a real instance, but versus my partner, whenever we have an argument, throws things at me or hits me. Because both are perpetual problems, but they're very, very different.

FAITH:
Oh yeah, so different. And I think what the research helped me see is that the argument is almost never about the actual thing, but it's really what's underneath it. And for me at least, it's something much simpler but also much harder to say out loud, which is, I just want to know that I matter.

I just want to feel seen in this moment. I just want to feel like I'm not carrying this alone. But it's really hard to say that in the middle of an argument.

It's also really hard to hear that and filter that out from what the other person is saying in the middle of an argument because we are already in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and whatever you call it, that kind of like survival protection mode, right? And it's so hard to, at that moment, try to find a way to hold space for being hurt and also being curious at the same time.

MELODY:
It's true because, I mean, I'm thinking to the arguments that I have with my husband, right? And now, because I'm calm, I can look back at it and I'm thinking, I think a lot of it, you can, a lot of it, the reason why it becomes a disagreement or something that you feel hurt about, right, is because the interpretation is, you're doing this because you don't care about me.

FAITH:
Yeah, and it is in that moment that we maybe can pause a little bit and this is simple and yet very difficult because if we can start by assuming positive intent, it can create, hopefully, just a little bit enough space to ask, hey, you know, what did you mean by that? Here's what I heard and here's how it landed for me, but was that your intention? I'm not saying that intent erases impact, okay? It does not. But we can be hurt and pause for a millisecond to try to access a bit of curiosity because that question can make a difference, can perhaps make a difference between a misunderstanding becoming a full-blown conflict.

MELODY:
It has actually made a difference now that you say that because there are certain instances, right, where, you know, I'm stewing and really upset and just like, oh, he's doing this to hurt me, etc. And then, I don't know how, but I managed to go, you know, what you did just now, x, y, z, really hurt me. What's going on with that? I actually, I just say, what's going on with that? And then the explanation he gives comes from left field, something that I totally never expected. And suddenly you go, oh, actually, well, I can see why you're doing that and why you have unintentionally hurt me.

The other thing that I wanted to add as well is, yes, there is the curiosity factor. And I don't know whether it's something that, my solution for my relationship, and I don't know whether it's because, like, you know, it's resignation, but it's realising that, you know, that is part of his personality. That is who he is. I cannot change him. It's not, yes, it annoys me, but it's not harming me. And so it's, I think it's going back to what we discussed way back in the earlier episodes. If he could, he would.

FAITH:
Yeah. And again, I think, I feel this urge to reiterate, we are talking about relationships where both parties are really trying, and we're not talking about relationships where it's very one-sided and there are harmful patterns. Because again, asking, hey, you know, like, what's your side? And assuming positive intent can be abused, okay? That framing can very much be abused. So we're not talking about those kinds of relationships.

MELODY:
Actually, you know what? The thing that was kind of at the back of my head kept trying to come out, right? Is, and finally has because of what you just said, is the fact that there's a difficulty, isn't it? That's the grey. Like, how do we recognise it? Like, how do we realise that this is intent? Or how do we realise that I'm just making excuses and staying in an abusive relationship? How do we tell the difference?

FAITH:
I don't think there's a formula of X, Y, Z kind of a thing, but I do believe that there's a practice of, um, and I love that you said that because I think it's a practice of patterns. And you hear me say this word patterns all the time because at the end, it is patterns that will reveal. When we're having a argument, we can get very laser focused on that very moment.

I know I can get very laser focused on that moment. And then suddenly it feels like everything that happened, our brains have a tendency to pull all the negative when we are focused on the negative. And then it takes effort to then say, wait, can I broaden this and look at the pattern on a macro level? Is this who he is? Is my husband someone who has consistently shown to be harmful, to be dismissive, to make me feel unseen? Or is it that I'm just laser focused at this point now? And then my brain is just picking up all of the incidences that reinforce this conclusion.

But again, it leads me to this next question that is, in order for me to be vulnerable, in order for me to take that step of vulnerability, because it is very vulnerable to then say, hey, what's the real context that I'm not seeing, right? Or assuming positive intent and then giving myself that pause to allow him to give me context. All of that, it takes a lot of vulnerability and you can't just build vulnerability overnight. That trust is built over time. And it's a question that, sometimes it's like a chicken and egg, isn't it? How do you build trust if you need trust in the first place?

MELODY:
I think it's just giving that little bit of trust. So, you know, you give 10% of trust versus 50% versus 60% of trust. And I know it sounds terrible, but it's about testing it, right? And I know we don't want to think about the fact that we're testing our partners, but I think at the beginning, especially when you're trying to figure out something new, something different, you have to just give that little bit of step because I think there's the balance between grace and giving people a chance. And then there's the balance between protecting yourself as well. So, you give people a little bit of chance and then see what happens with it.

FAITH:
So, what I'm hearing is, you don't start by handing someone everything, but you do have something that's real, something that does cost a little, but if it breaks, if it gets spent badly, it's not going to break you. Then you notice what happens. Like, does this person receive it with care? Do they match it with something of their own? And then over time, as you give a little bit, you give a little bit, it kind of creates that pattern for you to see what happens.

There's going to be a bit of self-revelation here, but I mean, honestly, it's very hard for me to do something like that because I hope I'm not the only one because I would like to feel like this is also a very normalised experience. I know that I have a pattern of trying to use my trust, my vulnerability as a bartering tool to then get more trust and vulnerability from others. And yes, while that can be true to a certain extent, because vulnerability begets vulnerability, trust begets trust, but there's a very big difference between blindly leaping and like, here you go, I'm over here. Right at the very first moment.

MELODY:
But you know, that's a really good example as well. And yes, you do. We have had numerous conversations where I'm telling you, why are you being so easily vulnerable? But that's the test also, right? Like, I mean, that is the test. And so if the person doesn't handle that vulnerability with care, I think it's time to walk away from that person. Consistently, consistently. I should add. Sometimes we have our off days and we don't handle someone's vulnerability with care. And that happens and we make mistakes. But if we do that consistently and that, yeah.

FAITH:
Trusting someone that they are safe with our vulnerability isn't built by blindly leaping into something and then saying, I give you something really big. Here, you give me something really big back. I mean, sometimes I guess it happens. Hollywood movies tend to make us think that this kind of thing happens.

MELODY:
Yeah, but when you think about, when you think about, say, for example, in the context of dating, right? Like if someone, if this guy, you know, comes pick you up after work with an umbrella because it's raining and he say, it's like, it's a little bit of care. But if he brings a whole, I don't know, marching band, you kind of go, what?

FAITH:
Which is why I think, you know, like, I guess this is what I want to leave with, right? Which is, if we're in relationships where both parties are really genuinely trying, but we still find ourselves sitting with recurring conflict, wondering what's wrong with me? What's wrong with us? Because we're having the same fight again. You know what? This is just what it looks like when two people are in a relationship, two nervous systems, two sets of histories. We're wired differently to have different immediate reactions when triggers appear. It's not necessarily a flaw. It's just humanity.

MELODY:
I think, yeah, I think it's also about, you know, yes, we consistently have the same argument, but what is the, it sounds funny to say that, but it's like, what is the quality of the argument? Is it the kind of argument where you leave just feeling better? Or you leave feeling like, oh, I am just like torn and bleeding, metaphorically.

Yeah, so basically it's like, you can have the same argument again and again and again, but it's just basically having the calm conversation to go, why is this happening? And then recognising that we are both trying. It's just that, you know, some people's patterns rub us the wrong way and it comes off.

So anyway, the question to our Life in the Grey community is, how do you work through the perpetual problems in your relationships? Or has this maybe made you think differently about something? Let us know in the comments or reach out to us by emailing [e-mail] or through any of our Mums At The Table socials. Life in the Grey is a monthly podcast brought to you by Mums At The Table. And with that, we'll catch you next month.