Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at age 36, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about DID, dissociation, trauma, and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Okay. Because I'm a grown up and not John Mark, I actually paused the recording while I vacuumed
Speaker 1:and now we are driving again.
Speaker 2:So all of this to say the context that things have been very difficult and emotional already. So let me tell you about my ridiculous day when I already had no spoons left for emotions. So first thing is that for the first day in ages, I don't know how long, but ages, I did not have to get up early. There were no early morning appointments nothing I had to do with kids first thing and also Jules had to have a day with her family which is appropriate so she had to leave early this morning. So that is not a bad thing.
Speaker 2:I'm working on acceptance right? It just is. She'll be back. I'll see her again. And also when she leaves I'm sad and I miss her.
Speaker 2:So more big feelings to start the day. Then Nathan was flying to town today, which meant I needed to get the three kids that were here packed up to go visit Oklahoma. They had to do all their annual wellness check and eye and dentist and all of that. Right? So they're going for a month to do all of that, to visit the grandparents, to visit the other siblings, let all the six siblings be together, all the things.
Speaker 2:Right? And then they'll all come back back here for a little while before school starts, and then I'll start sending everybody back where they wanna go to school. So it's a thing. But that's the chaos. And parents, I know you know, but the chaos of getting children packed and ready to go.
Speaker 2:Plus Kyrie, who's about to be in the hospital, needs her things closer to her, which means packing up most of her toys and costumes and art supplies because when you can't breathe, that's what you do. All the fine motor skills things. So she's really good at at playing with art and things like that that she can do sitting in a hospital bed. So she needs all her things. So we had to get all of that packed up, get the van packed up, get gas in the van because Nathan it is cheaper depending on the plane ticket currently it is cheaper to actually drive the four of them back to Oklahoma and also that way Nathan has the family van which I don't want anyway, but he has it while he has all six kids.
Speaker 2:The van really belongs to the children. So it goes back and forth with where they are. Right? So he flew here so that he could drive these kids back to Oklahoma, and then Kirier's surgery happens soon. I will fly there to see her.
Speaker 2:If it's going to be delayed because she's not breathing anyway, I will bring her here for a visit on her own. So we'll take care of all of that, but it was a chaotic morning to say the least while I had lots of big feelings going on. And and I feel spent, like so many things have happened the last few months this entire year has exhausted me, like I feel like I cannot stand up faster than the next thing knocks me to the ground. It has just been brutal this year, and I'm just spent like, I have nothing left. So the kids are like, can we do this?
Speaker 2:I'm like, sure. Go do the thing. Why not? Please. Please go do the thing.
Speaker 2:So we finally got everybody ready. We went to the gas station and got gas in the van, got to the airport. His plane is supposed to be landing, so we circle around, like, five times, and then it says five minute delay. So we circle around five more times, five minute delay. You guys, we do this for an hour circling around the airport.
Speaker 2:They didn't say it was an hour delay where I could just go home for an hour or park in the parking lot for an hour. No. It was a five minute at a time delay. You guys it is a three hour flight. To get here from Oklahoma you make one short flight and one long flight and the long flight is three hours.
Speaker 2:There's no way they didn't know it was delayed, and there's no reason for it to be one delay at a time. That makes no sense. And so my daughter, my oldest daughter, had found a Dolly Parton, of all things, a Dolly Parton CD at a garage sale for 10¢ and bought it. And that was literally other than Taylor Swift, which the boys were like, no. We're done with Taylor Swift.
Speaker 2:Please, can we have a break? So we listened to Dolly Parton on a CD, the songs over and over again, for an hour while we waited while we waited for his plane to land. It was just bizarre. I know these are just normal things, but I was still just proud of myself for remembering to get gas and having money to get gas. And then I'm using it all just driving in circles around the airport like an American with no awareness of the environment.
Speaker 2:Like, are you kidding me? It would okay. It's fine. No drama. Right?
Speaker 2:So Nathan finally lands. He goes to baggage claim. We circle around again. He gets his things. He comes out.
Speaker 2:Then we're waiting in line because everyone's trying to pick up everybody at once. So even though we've been there for an hour, we are now in line inching along, inching along. So I'm like, no panic. No panic. Deep breaths.
Speaker 2:You guys, I am doing the slow deep breathing. I am doing the square breathing. I am doing the hand breathing. I am doing the star breathing. You guys, I painted a whole portrait just trying to breathe.
Speaker 2:Okay? But I got us through traffic, I got Nathan, and we got through the airport. So, again, small minor detail of life that for me feels epic. You guys, I have come a long way. It's true.
Speaker 2:And so I can now go to work at my office, but I go to my office and I stay there and then I come home. Like, I can still only do one thing a day, which is embarrassing. And I just mean that honestly and transparently. I don't even mean it shaming myself. I'm just admitting I can only do one thing a day.
Speaker 2:And it's, like, 10:00 in the morning, and we're on thing five. Okay? So I'm really, really struggling. And, also, there is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel because someone is going to take my children away.
Speaker 2:I do not mean I don't love my children. I do not mean that I don't want to be with my children. I actually miss them a lot, legit, when they're not here. And as they get older, I'm increasingly aware that our time together is running out. So being separated from them actually gets harder more than easy unexpectedly because I have less and less time with them.
Speaker 2:Like, they're almost done with me. I don't mean completely. I don't mean forever. I don't even know which ones will actually launch. So maybe I'll never be done with them.
Speaker 2:And I don't mean finish like our relationship. I mean the pragmatics of, hey. It's time to get up so you can go to school or work today. Right? So I am excited as a single parent to have a bit of a respite, and there is no shame in that.
Speaker 2:I feel like I can lace that right up and hold all of the bobbins of all of those truths. So deep breaths. So you guys, we go do the thing. We go do the thing, and we sign our papers together just like that, and it's done. I mean, obviously, it's more complicated than that.
Speaker 2:And, obviously, I'm only being able to share parts of the story with you because privacy. And I wanna be respectful to Nathan who does love the podcast. But, oh my heart, the feelings of grief and gratitude all swirled up together in these moments of this heavy, heavy thing being done and finished and me being set free to be myself. Now probably not. The court still has to accept it, and they're being extra careful because of all the children.
Speaker 2:Right? Which is good and right. That is as it should be. I want them to protect the children. And, also, the children are safe with me and Nathan.
Speaker 2:So whatever we have to keep negotiating or figuring out, we will do the things. But, really, we're just all still in and nothing's actually changing with the children. So, anyway, so we do not have the final court papers, but it is signed and it is turned in. So I'm thinking, like, this big out breath. Right?
Speaker 2:Another exhale. I have made it through the thing. So, really, all we need to do now is drive back to the house just to drop me off so they have the van to head out towards Wyoming, which is on the how they're gonna get to Oklahoma. Funny enough. So a shout out to Wyoming because I don't know when else Wyoming gets a shout out.
Speaker 2:So there we are. I have gotten extra cash and hidden it under the mats in the van just in case they need it, but also not telling them that it's there. You know. I know. They don't know.
Speaker 2:But just in case, that's there, but it also won't won't get spent. So I have done all of this. I make sure they have their school computers because some of them are doing summer school. I make sure that those who want them have their scriptures. Those who need it have their medicine.
Speaker 2:Those who have their medicine, those who that everyone has a swimsuit, that everyone has play clothes, that everyone has whatever they like, going through the checklist even though they're much better at packing on their own. Like, do we have all the things? And then also going over curious checklist. Do we get this? Do we get this?
Speaker 2:Like, the things she wants for the hospital. So trying to do this, also, at the same time, we got for free last year. I don't know if we ever talked about this, but it was epic. I'm sorry there's so many stories. We got last year, not a garage sale, somewhere for free, this giant giant Barbie house.
Speaker 2:Bigger than was ever cool when I was little, and I certainly never had it. But, like, the one with the elevator and it's, like, as tall as I am and, like, my wingspan. I can't even tell you how big this thing is. Kyrie loves it. And then at garage sale, she's continued to collect, like, furniture and dolls and things, and all of this was before the movie ever came out.
Speaker 2:But she loves this thing. And since she's going to have to stay in Oklahoma right now, she was crying, legit asking, please can I have my Barbie house? So it's hers. So if she wants it and that's where she wants it, then we're gonna do what we can do to get it to her. Right?
Speaker 2:So Jules helped take it apart enough to get it to fit in the van, and it was a whole thing plus her things, plus their luggage, plus the cooler with the food so that we don't spend extra money on the dry like, we're trying. We're trying to make all of the things happen. Right? So I just I can't explain to you how epic this was. But the vision, almost like a flashback, maybe I need to do eye movements on this, but the vision of that Barbie house coming apart and recognizing it as such a symbol, as we're signing divorce papers, as Carrie's going back into the hospital, as Carrie's gonna have to be in Oklahoma instead of living with me for a little while.
Speaker 2:Like, there was so much just gut wrenching sadness in this. All the feels, guys. I can't tell you all the feels, but we were doing our best. So finally, they drop me off. Everybody goes to the bathroom one more time just in case.
Speaker 2:And finally, everyone is loaded up. And then Nathan, I get the Airbnb for the night. They know how many hours they can drive today. So I get the Airbnb so they have a place to stay on the way. He has the address.
Speaker 2:We have taken care of all of the things. I was thinking, what is important right now? What is important is making sure I have the key to my bedroom, which is a whole different story, and I can explain that another time if it ever matters. Right now, it doesn't matter. I know we have referenced it before, but it's a thing I will explain another time.
Speaker 2:But I need to make sure I have that, and I need to make sure I have the other car key. Because you guys, in my this is the part I was trying to tell you, but I had explained all of this because it was coming out of me first to get to this. So maybe it needs to be a two parter, but I'm here and I'm trying and I'm saying the things. So pragmatically, life is very hard for me. And in my mind, I think it would be classic classic for them to drive the van to Oklahoma with my other car key in it.
Speaker 2:Right? So we have the van, the family van. It's paid off. I got that when my mother was killed in the car accident. I, myself, with my own job, bought my own car that has the camping mattress in it.
Speaker 2:It's a Chevy Blazer if anyone wants to know because I'm from Oklahoma where Chevy and Ford is a big, big deal. And this is the one that fits a mattress, so it's totally a camping car without being a camping car. You know what I mean? And I love it. It's not beautiful.
Speaker 2:It's not the fanciest. It's actually the cheapest version of it, but it has what I need, and it works well enough. Not super comfortable, not the best car, certainly not a fancy car. But I have it. That is my car.
Speaker 2:I make payments on it all by myself. I have already paid off the van. So the van stays with the children. He's going to have the children. He's taking the van, and I thought it would be classic for him to get all the way to Oklahoma and my car key to be in it.
Speaker 2:Now I work from home, so it would not actually be a crisis. Jules could take me to the office to get my computers, and I could work from home until they get back and or until he can mail the key. You guys, these things go through my head like ruminating about the past. You know how we have some parts that are like, oh, flashbacks. I'm just gonna obsess about them.
Speaker 2:Or this terrible thing happened, so I'm just gonna obsess about it. Or this bad thing hurt my feelings, so I'm just gonna play it over and over and over and over, and it's this weird kind of self harm. That is your right brain. My left brain predicts danger. And I'm like, in the past, this has happened.
Speaker 2:He has had to mail me the other key. It was not a crisis because I don't leave my house until recently. So now it matters to me more. My left brain kicks in. Good job, left brain.
Speaker 2:And says, hey. Make sure you have all the keys and everything of yours out of the van before they take it a thousand miles away. Right? So I intentionally thought about this, and I even said, let me go in the house and check and make sure I have all the keys that I need before you leave. I walk into the house.
Speaker 2:I go to my bedroom. I look on my dresser. The keys that I need are there. My office keys are there. Can you imagine if they drove my office keys to Oklahoma?
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness. So everything is there. It's great. I'm like, good job, adult Emma. Way to show up for yourself.
Speaker 2:Well done. And feeling very proud of myself, I come back out through the garage to tell them goodbye. You guys, they're gone. They're gone. Nobody cares about me.
Speaker 2:I'm just the mother. No one notices the mother. Nobody said goodbye. Nobody hugged me. Nothing.
Speaker 2:They're just gone. Now let me tell you. First of all, I get it. They're teenagers. They're excited for the trip.
Speaker 2:They're actually excited for their lunch because I had their lunches packed, and they know as soon as they get on the highway, they can open their lunches and see what's in there. So that's really the excitement even for Nathan. I promise you. It's not actually an intentional neglect of me and my feelings and my attachment efforts. It's literally about the food.
Speaker 2:Okay. So you guys, I understand this. I can have compassion for that. And, also, I'm a human being. And, also, I'm a human being who has a dead mom from a car wreck.
Speaker 2:And so I'm like, hey. You can't just leave without telling me goodbye because people die. Now I'm not afraid. I did not actually spiral, but I did express my feelings and say the things. And so they're like, oh, so sorry, Berla.
Speaker 2:Love you, mom. Whatever on the phone. Right? Okay. They're teens.
Speaker 2:They wanna eat their lunch. It's fine. So I just let it go. I get on my shoes. I get all the keys that I need.
Speaker 2:Again, that's the hard piece for me, the pragmatics and common sense of it. Right? And I get into my car, and I drive to my office. I am driving to my office to try to be kind and helpful. Part of me also wants I'm just making lace and whole like, owning the things that also part of me has lots of big feelings from all of this today.
Speaker 2:And so just needing some intentional flight, I will go work hard, but being overproductive and painting at the office. Now I can't actually be over productive because it turns out I'm really good at small, fine brush details, but big wall brushes and rollers that you use, I don't know how to use them. I guess you know this from John Mark episodes already. So there are rules. I can do priming in the middle of the wall, and I could do the first coat in the middle of the wall.
Speaker 2:But Jules does the edges of everything and the second coat so that it's nice, and I don't mess things up. She's not shaming me. We are just all in agreement about my limitations. That does not hurt my feelings. So anyway, today is a good day.
Speaker 2:Jules is spending the day with her family, which is fine. I can accept that that Jules has a life. I'm working hard on that in therapy. And it is not her fault that my whole family is dead. Right?
Speaker 2:So okay. So she has family. She's going to spend time with them, which is great. Good for her. So while I have no one and literally everyone has left me today, while that is the case, I am going to get some painting done.
Speaker 2:So I'm super focused. All of this is playing in my background, all these different things. Like, I'm just making lace in my head. It turns out sometimes when I'm dissociating, I'm not here. Like, I don't know where I go, but I am somewhere else.
Speaker 2:Other times when I'm dissociating, I'm just making lace. Here's a piece. Here's a piece. Here's a piece. Let's thread it.
Speaker 2:Let's just I'm just waving things back and forth. I'm still doing eye movements in my head, building bricks. Okay. So so it's a thing. Very intense.
Speaker 2:Very intentional. I get to my office just fine.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeak.com. We'll see you there.