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What if you’re not lost, just living in a part of the story no one talks about? Holding Patterns is a podcast about the in-between. The messy, undefined seasons of life where nothing quite makes sense. Hosted by Ashton Arnold, a deeply curious traveler who is carving out a life beyond the conventional path. Ashton leads guests through the kind of conversations that get honest, intimate, and are rooted in what it actually means to be human. This show is for people who’ve felt unsure, off-course, or like they’re making it up as they go. Each episode features a conversation with someone who has built a life outside the typical script, unpacking the moments where success felt out of reach. From travel and relationships to money and mental health, nothing’s off-limits. Holding Patterns is here to remind you that you’re not behind, you’re not alone, and you’re allowed to figure it out your own way.
Attention, listeners. You are now entering a holding pattern. Delays are expected. Please remain patient. Hello.
Ashton:This is Ashton, and I am the host of Holding Patterns. This is the very first episode of the podcast that I have been trying to create, develop for over a year now, and I'm really excited that it's finally at the point to share with other people. This first episode is gonna be a little bit different than the rest. It's gonna be just a solo episode of me talking more about my personal holding patterns, but also explaining what the essence of this podcast is even going to be about, where the title came from, what it means, because I'm sure a lot of people are wondering what the hell this is even about. So welcome to Holding Patterns, and thank you for tuning in.
Ashton:When I came up with this idea, I was sitting last year in a holding pattern and really getting down on myself of what have I been doing since I left university and what did I have to show for it because I hadn't really had any big career moments or jobs or it just felt like I hadn't made much of myself since I left college. And so I was really reflecting of what did I have and what have I been doing the last three years. And the biggest thing that stood out to me was the people that I had met and the ways that they had expanded my perspective and led me closer and closer to what I might wanna do with my life. And I thought, okay, well, if this is what I have to show for the last couple years, why don't I make something out of it? And I came up with this idea because if these people have impacted me and I've been able to widen my perspective just off of conversations and hearing the different ways they've lived.
Ashton:Why wouldn't that help other people? Hopefully, this podcast will expand and it will continue to expand perspective for me and anyone who's listening. I wanted to read of a holding pattern. It is a state or period of no progress or change. Exactly what we're gonna get into with all the different people I have on this show.
Ashton:But to go off of that, I wanted to give a little analogy that has run-in the back of my mind ever since I heard it. And I think it might resonate with other people as well, but it's an analogy that I think sums up a holding pattern or a temporary state or just the way I've lived the last couple years. When I was living in New Zealand, I was working at a ski resort, and I met a friend named Nico. Shout out to Nico. He is from Colombia, and he has traveled the world.
Ashton:And we could relate on a lot of different things, just being expats and the variety of different experiences, highs and lows that we had had over our lives. And he brought up this heartbeat analogy to me. And basically, it's talking about when someone's hooked up to a heart monitor, you either see the ups and downs or you see a flatline. Flatline is obviously when someone's dead, but the ups and downs are showing that there's life. The human is alive.
Ashton:And he related this to our conversation and talking about all of the highs and lows that we had experienced living this way on the untraditional path, I say in quotes. We get to experience the highest of highs, and I definitely have experienced the nines and the tens. But we also experienced those dips and hit these periods that you don't really think you're gonna come out of because it's so dark and scary, but that's living. That means you're alive. And I think a lot of people tend to stay in the comfort zone, which will relate to a four four to seven maybe.
Ashton:And you're experiencing some lows, of course, and you're experiencing some highs, but it's never going to reach that 10 or maybe reach that one because you're you're not leaving the comfort zone. And I just loved this analogy so much because every time I have been in one of those low moments since hearing this from Nico, I just remind myself, like, this is what it is to be alive, and I am experiencing the full human experience, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm not saying everyone is supposed to live this way or it's the right way to live. It's just the way I wanna live. It's also something I can hold on to when I'm in these lows that I don't think I'm gonna get out of.
Ashton:I wanted to share that with everybody because it's been very powerful for me. Also, I wanna explain why I think this is even important to talk about or the passion I feel to share these stories and this message is because I think as a society, especially in North America, we are able to celebrate success and progress so easily, but we're very scared of uncertainty and being uncomfortable. It's not celebrated when you're going through something like this. You shove it to the side, you avoid talking about it. You might even pretend that it's not happening.
Ashton:And in my opinion, it is such a disservice to us and our relationships and our ability to form deeper connections if we just showed the ugly. And I don't even like using the word ugly, but if we showed the imperfect parts of ourselves and celebrated them just as much as we celebrated success and progress, I don't even know the impact it would have on us as a collective. I think it would be immensely positive. And I want to contribute to that, and I hope I do. Why do I have any credibility to talk about this?
Ashton:Why should anyone listen to me? I'm gonna dive into it because I have put myself the last couple years through more transitions and temporary states than the average human, I would say, and might be a little masochistic of me. But my experiences while I've been in Holding Patterns, they've been very lonely. And it's been hard for me, especially because I've lived in a different way and I haven't had very many people to look to for guidance. And because so many of the people I grew up with or look to as mentors or examples live in a way that is so different than the path I've carved for myself.
Ashton:And it's just made it feel very lonely because if I'm in a low period and I'm looking to people that haven't lived the same way, it makes me question everything I've done and have I been on the wrong path and did I make the wrong decisions? But another reason why I wanted to create this podcast because I hope that maybe this will provide some of that guidance and mentorship and a feeling of being seen for people who might not have anyone to look to that's lived a similar way to them. When I have lived through these periods, it's been so easy for me to find stories of success or someone talking about, yeah, I had a hard time, but look at where I am now. I'm rich, I'm healthy, I have a great life, I have a great home, a great family, a great relationship. That doesn't help anybody when they're in a low period.
Ashton:It actually just makes you feel so much worse, or at least it does for me. So I hope to create something that isn't just us wallowing in our sorrows and our misery, but it's, again, a feeling of being seen and I'm gonna get out of this and maybe hope and inspiration and acceptance of ourselves. But yeah, another reason I think these conversations are so important is because vulnerability and authenticity go so much farther and provide so much more impact and connection than putting on a perfect face or just pretending like we're not all going through shit because we are at all times. You might have really good things going in on on in life, but there's probably one part of your life that is a shit show. And let's just fucking talk about it.
Ashton:Okay? Here's the permission. We're gonna talk about it. Alright. Before I dive into my own holding patterns, I just wanted to give a little bit of background about myself for anybody who might not know me and, yeah, who I am, I guess.
Ashton:I am originally from Colorado, but my father is from Canada. My mom is from Colorado. So I do have dual citizenship and I have a younger brother and sister. So I am the oldest daughter of three. I really live up to the eldest daughter stereotype in many ways.
Ashton:And I grew up very, very active. I played soccer my whole life. I played volleyball. I swam and skied and snowboarded. My family loves the mountains and the typical Colorado culture, which I'm I love.
Ashton:I am so happy I grew up that way. I'm so happy I grew up in Colorado. It's the most amazing place and was such a great childhood. I went to business school at the University of Colorado Boulder. Best place ever.
Ashton:If I ever moved back to Colorado, get me to Boulder again. And I would characterize myself of someone who doesn't know how to slow down. My life has stayed pretty busy. Always. I like to be on the move.
Ashton:It's just a big part of my personality and my character, I think. But that eldest daughter stereotype I was talking about, I think up until I left college, I just was really good at following the path that was laid out for me. The traditional path, let's call it. I got really good grades in school. I got a job the second I turned 16.
Ashton:I also played a sport consistently. I had a very serious boyfriend in high like, the typical high school sweethearts situation. And then I got into a good school. I got scholarships. I got into business school.
Ashton:I continued to get good grades while I was there. I just I was really good at following the path. And then I got the chance to study abroad, which I'll dive into, but I've always, always wanted to travel my whole life. I never could, like, pride myself on one characteristic. Like, I'm the girl who wants to be a nurse or I'm the girl who loves to draw.
Ashton:I played soccer my whole life, but I don't know if I necessarily defined myself by that. But travel, that was my thing. That was something that I loved and was so passionate about and still am so passionate about. It will never not be a thing for me, and I'm so grateful I got the chance to go study abroad because as cliche as this sounds, study abroad changed my life in every way. I thought I was gonna be a consultant and do the whole seventy hour work week and devote my life to making money, but, also, I thought consulting was a way to get me to travel.
Ashton:And as soon as I stepped foot in Spain, I will never ever forget. Like, I I feel like I know the moment where everything switched for me. I had finished class on a Tuesday, and I walked out into the plaza by myself. It was one of the first weeks there. And I was just walking around.
Ashton:In the middle of the day, the whole area was just full of people. It was so loud. Everyone was drinking and laughing. And middle of the week, work week, everyone's in the suits and nice outfits. My American brain could not conceptualize that people could still go enjoy their life during a work week.
Ashton:It was like, no. No. No. We save that for the weekends. Like, we live for the weekends.
Ashton:I was like, wait. There is a world out there that I can create and I can explore and I can make for myself, and I don't actually have to do the same thing I've watched everyone else do. And, yeah, that was the moment. And as I'm gonna get into, I ended up moving to Spain once I well, I studied abroad, finished my last year of college, ended up ending the high school relationship that I was in for six years, sixteen to twenty two. And then that same year so ended the relationship, ended college, and then three months later, I moved to Spain.
Ashton:It was a very, very big year of change for me in ever since. After Spain, moved to New Zealand for a year. After New Zealand, I moved to Canada for the winter, worked at a Hale Ski Lodge. And then most recently, I can, I guess, characterize myself or define myself as a tour guide? And I have somehow, against all odds, created a career out of travel and made something out of this travel exploration life, and it actually did amount to something.
Ashton:Like, this job I got this past year, I never would have gotten it without the experiences I've had the last three years. And it wasn't career experiences. It was personal experience, which I so badly wish I could show the Ashton who was leaving college and second guessing every one of the decisions to go off the beaten path and show her you're gonna be okay. And look, you actually can create a career out of travel, and it it's not nothing. You're not just fucking off and ignoring your responsibilities.
Ashton:You are creating something for yourself that means something to you and that you're passionate about and that's authentic and it's not performative and fake. I so badly wish I could show that to her. So that's a little bit about my story and the last couple years of my life specifically. That was the highlight reel. And, of course, there's been amazing, amazing, amazing things and experiences I've got to have the last couple years, but there's also been really low lows throughout that.
Ashton:And I know that people can look at the life I've lived and just see the highlight reel or the positives of, oh, your life must be so good, and I'm I'm not diminishing all the good things that have happened. But even though life can seem perfect on the outside, it can have so, so, so many low moments as well. And I guess I want to talk about those more and I wanna normalize them. So I hope that that's what I continue to do. And yeah.
Ashton:So here we go. I studied abroad during in 2021 during COVID, so it was quite a different experience than your typical study abroad. But nonetheless, wouldn't change it for a second. I made amazing friends, and I made an amazing connection with the country of Spain. And I wanted to go back, so I did.
Ashton:And this is where my untraditional life path kind of started. All of my friends, my senior year of university were applying for corporate jobs that were gonna get a lot of money. And that was the path that we were all taught to follow. And the path that I saw, my cousins and my aunt and uncles and family friends, and basically anyone I ever knew was go to college and then get a good job. And I just knew after this experience of living in Spain, did not have enough and I needed to go back.
Ashton:So I did. I went and taught English for a year right after I left university. It was a lot of questioning, a lot of doubting myself, but I made it happen, and I got there. And I wouldn't necessarily say that was a holding period because life kept moving, and I I had a goal. Like, I knew I was leaving university, and I was getting my ass to Spain.
Ashton:So there was drive. There was a lot of ups and downs and emotional whiplash, I would say, but there was a goal. So So had the most amazing year in Spain living in Malaga. I made the most amazing friendships. These friendships are still some of the most important people in my life since leaving.
Ashton:It just was a dream year. We traveled so much. I got to live on the Mediterranean. I got to practice my Spanish. I worked twelve hours a week.
Ashton:I did only make €700 a month. So but valuable experience. A girl knows what it's like to be broke. So the year was ending. We were there just for the school year and trying to come up with what was next.
Ashton:And my best friend who I met there, Anna, we were roommates. Her and I decided that we wanted to go back to Spain. We wanted to live together, and we're gonna do that. This program is through the Spanish government, and we listed that we were partners. And we were hoping that we would get placed together.
Ashton:Listed a place in Northern Spain to change it up and blah blah blah. We're so excited for this to happen. We're on our final weeks. We got a storage unit in Spain. Round trip flights booked to come back.
Ashton:We're we were both gonna go home for three months to go back to The States to make some money and then go back to Spain in August. We are on our last week, both traveling, and we get this email from the program that we got our placements. And they ended up being three hours away from each other in extremely small towns, and it rocked our worlds. It completely turned the plan that we had for the next year of our life upside down, and it was devastating. I just immediately knew that life was not gonna look the way that we had both envisioned, that I had envisioned.
Ashton:And it was like this immediate pause button was pressed, and I had to reevaluate everything. But I also had to leave Spain in a week. The flight was booked and visas and all of that stuff. I also didn't get to say goodbye to Anna in the way that this time of our life's deserved and was devastating. So we both had to go back to The States, and I'm back at my parents' house with no money.
Ashton:As I said, I made €700 a month. You bet not a single dime of that was saved. And all of the freedom I had had, it felt like it was ripped away from me in two seconds. I went from living my dream, having this experience abroad, to then serving at the neighborhood bar and getting asked pretty much every night from the parents of people I went to high school with what I was gonna do with my life. And I had absolutely no idea.
Ashton:It was horrible. I always reference back to this as being the hardest four months of my life. I was so unhappy and I just had no idea what I was going to do and no direction. I think for me, something that characterizes my holding patterns and why they are so hard is because I'm so goal oriented. And if I have a goal, I can put all of my energy towards that and I can get it done.
Ashton:Like, let's go. Of course, there's gonna be bumps in the roads, but I have something fueling me. When I am sitting with myself and I have nothing to work towards, it's where my mental health just goes down the drain. And that's exactly what this time period at home was. Not surrounded by friends, back in the hometown.
Ashton:It just felt it felt like I was moving backwards, and I already had such a hard time believing and trusting my intuition that I was making the right choice by not going and making a lot of money and starting my career. And when I was abroad, when I was in Spain, I felt like, absolutely, I made the right decision, no doubt about it. But now I'm back in my childhood bedroom. I don't have a car. I don't have any money.
Ashton:I barely see my friends. Every decision I've made has been the wrong thing. I just was right back in this place of self doubt. And it's not a fun place to be in. It felt like suffocating, honestly.
Ashton:It felt like I was drowning and I couldn't get air. And I absolutely describe myself as an optimist, and I can see a lot of hope and opportunity with life. And I get so excited about that. I get so excited about all the different ways my life can go. But I remember this period absolutely feeling such a lack of that.
Ashton:There was nothing that was giving me hope. And that was pretty scary for me because it's not something I feel often. Yeah. Yeah. So how did I navigate this holding period?
Ashton:Because these are definitely tools I still use to this day. And back then, when I was going through this, I didn't have that toolbox. And I'm so grateful that I've created it for myself now. I would say the biggest thing for me is so, so, so much journaling. I love to journal no matter what I'm going through in life, but especially when I'm in the depths of it.
Ashton:Just putting all of these thoughts on paper when sometimes it can be really hard to say these words out loud because you can feel like a burden or at least I know that sometimes that's how I feel if I try and express myself to other people. Having oh, kitty's back. Yeah. Come here. Mhmm.
Ashton:Mhmm. Yeah. Do you agree? Okay. Yeah.
Ashton:So so much journaling. And the main part or why journaling, I believe, helps me so much is the reflection part of it. Taking the time to think about what just happened in my life, what I loved about it, what I wanna recreate, what wasn't really working, and what I'm striving for. As I mentioned earlier, when I don't have a goal to work towards, it can feel really empty. And I think this reflection period helps me create new goals and figure out what I wanna work towards next.
Ashton:And I know not everyone is goal oriented like that. Can you tell I'm an oldest daughter? Yes. I know I'm showing my colors right now. Yeah, journaling is something that helps me immensely and specifically the reflection part of journaling.
Ashton:And it's what helped me figure out I was gonna go to New Zealand next. I know I mentioned New Zealand. So New Zealand follows Spain, but I didn't have an idea for New Zealand when I left Spain. This fully came out of the four month period that I said was the most depressing period of my life. New Zealand was born in that.
Ashton:And I give credit to journaling and reflection being a huge part of why I got there. And then the second biggest thing for me when I'm going through these times is leaning on friends. I had so many phone calls with so many of my best friends that showed up for me just crying. I cried a lot on the phone, and I'm so grateful I had people that held space for that because I definitely wasn't showing up. I was my best self, and I probably wasn't being a very good friend either because I didn't have the capacity to.
Ashton:But those people were really big rocks for me. And I don't truly know what I would do without them. And they've stayed rocks for me through all of the holding patterns and hard periods I've gone through since then. Lastly, I would say therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy.
Ashton:I have participated, been a participant of therapy for many times in my life, but especially when I'm going through these periods, I need that space deeply. And I need somebody to tell me that I didn't make all the wrong decisions. It's gonna be okay. And not all hope is gone. And for me, having a therapist, that's extremely helpful.
Ashton:It's a very helpful space. And I do really believe if you find the right therapist and somebody that fits you, it will be beneficial for everybody. But I mention all of these things because for me, now that I have gone through many, many holding patterns, having tools or yeah. This toolbox, I'll call it, that reliably makes me feel good when I'm in these periods that I don't even have to think about of like, all right, go to these, go to these. It's so helpful because when you're drowning, when you're suffocating, when you barely feel like you're keeping yourself afloat, you don't have the capacity to be like, well, what's gonna make me feel better?
Ashton:If you already have these tools at your disposal, it's just they're there. You don't even have to think about it. And I know I mentioned three, but I can add to that list movement, any form of movement, exercise, snowboarding, running, working out at the gym, yoga, yoga, yoga. Concerts, if you have the bandwidth. I know that's a luxury to spend money on, but for me, concerts are extremely important.
Ashton:Getting to surround myself with music and other people and typically being outdoors, there's nothing that makes me feel more alive than that. So I'd say any experience that makes you feel alive and that you're doing the damn thing, you're having a human experience. I think those are important. And then obviously friends, reading, escapism is really nice sometimes. I'm not saying it's the greatest tool all the time, but sometimes it's needed.
Ashton:So, yeah, that was a very, very defining holding period for me, if not probably the most defining holding period for me. It was really dark. There was definitely times that during that that I didn't think I was gonna get out of it, but I did. And as I mentioned, that led me to New Zealand. I met this I'll kind of dive into how I got to New Zealand, but I met this guy at the very beginning of Spain, like, at a bar or something.
Ashton:He was German. And he was like, oh, I have an American girlfriend. And I met her in New Zealand. And I was like, what the hell were you doing in New Zealand? He was like, oh, this working holiday visa, both of us were there on it.
Ashton:And that was the first time I had ever heard of a working holiday visa. And for some reason, that popped back into my brain when I was sitting in my childhood bedroom at my parents' house. I remembered that I could go work in New Zealand and make money because that was a big thing. Obviously, I left Spain being very broke. So I knew whatever I did next, I had to make more money than €700 a month.
Ashton:And I knew I also was not ready to be back in The States. It just wasn't it wasn't even an option for me. Like, I didn't even look at jobs in The US. I was like, whatever I need to do to get out of here, I will. Yeah.
Ashton:New Zealand came. And I also I think there's a weird connection between Colorado and New Zealand. And I just have always my whole life, like, number one place on my list to go and where I had fantasized about visiting was New Zealand. And I can't even explain it, but it's the same thing with Spain of knowing I needed to go back there after I graduated college. I felt such a draw to New Zealand.
Ashton:So I moved back home in June from Spain, and I did not buy a flight to New Zealand until probably the October. So it wasn't like I came up with this idea right away. I sat in this holding period for what felt like forever, even though it was only probably three months. But it felt like forever. It was hard.
Ashton:And I bought the flight in October to go to New Zealand the November. No job, no house, and no friends. I just I needed to leave. I had to get out. I knew that this period, if I stayed in it, it was not the environment I could even be in to start thinking about and dreaming about what was next.
Ashton:I just had to get myself out and move forward. And the goal was get to New Zealand, and then we'll we'll fuck around and find out. Live from auto. So I did, and I got there, and I did. I fucked around and found out.
Ashton:But, yeah, I followed the desire to find more nature and leaned into the unknown. I feel like my slogan for the year of living in New Zealand was leaning into the unknown because I have never ever ever been more spontaneous and less planned in my entire life, and it was so uncomfortable for me. Caused a lot of anxiety, but so much growth. And I think about where I am now and I I just absolutely couldn't even live the way I'm living right now without that year in New Zealand. So, again, another characteristic of my holding patterns, and I'm sure it's going to be a characteristic of other people's holding patterns as well.
Ashton:You can look at your life where you are now in these hard moments or these reflective periods where life wasn't progressing, you needed those. Like, absolutely needed them to be where your feet are now to where you've landed. So they're so important. But okay. Again, I made it through the holding pattern.
Ashton:It took me a while once I got to New Zealand to feel like myself again and feel like I wasn't just gasping for air, but I got there. And it did end end up being like, that New Zealand is probably my favorite place in the whole world. It was one of the most amazing, spiritual, impactful, peaceful experiences of my life. Again, made amazing friendships, amazing experiences. And it also put me on the path of doing this career that I'm doing now.
Ashton:And I give New Zealand a lot of credit to really finding myself and not that Spain didn't, but New Zealand felt like I tapped into, like, a very the essence of who I was. But following New Zealand, so I'm there on a working holiday visa, and you only get a year as a US citizen to be in New Zealand. And it's the same as Spain. The year is coming to close. I ended up working at a ski resort in New Zealand called Kadrona.
Ashton:I got to snowboard to and from work every day. Like, if eight year old Ashton could understand that that's what I was gonna go do in my twenties, I don't she would pass out. And it was just such a dream. Such a dream. But the season was coming to a close right when my visa was coming to a close.
Ashton:And the one thing about living in New Zealand was most beautiful place I've ever lived, but also the most expensive place I've ever lived. I always say that it's the happiest I've ever been broke. And I was making more money than I made in Spain, but expenses were drastically bigger. And I knew if I stayed, it would just be more of living that way, living paycheck to paycheck. And not that I couldn't do it.
Ashton:I knew I I had done it and I'd been happy, but there was just something deep inside of me that knew that I had to keep moving forward. Like, there was more for me or more that I desired. But I loved New Zealand, and I loved my friends, and I could really see myself building life there and continuing, yeah, just living in this, like, amazing place with all the hobbies I could possibly want and the lifestyle I could want, going to the sauna on the weekends and snowboarding and mountain biking and hiking and surfing. And it just had everything I wanted, but there was that drive still inside of me. And so I decided to get my Canadian passport.
Ashton:Like I said earlier, my dad's Canadian. So I was like, maybe I'll get my Canadian passport and I could reapply for the working holiday visa with my Canadian or maybe I'll go to Canada. Because the a big thing living in New Zealand, there's a ton of Canadians, and there's also a ton of Kiwis or Australians that have gone and done seasons in Canada. And this was my first exposure to doing seasonal work, and I I just fell in love with it. I fell in love with the community that I believe seasonal work provides for you.
Ashton:And I also I love living with seasons and letting your life change as the seasons change. It's I I just feel like that's what we're meant to do as humans. Like, we are also part of nature. Why wouldn't our lives evolve and change with nature? It just makes sense to me.
Ashton:So I I fell in love with the seasonal lifestyle, and I kinda wanted to continue following it. And I met all these people who had talked so highly about their experiences in Canada, and I was writing that that heartbeat analogy I was talking about earlier. I was on a 10 in during my season in New Zealand. It was a 10, and I wanted to keep riding the high. So I thought, if I don't stay in New Zealand, if I go into another season in Canada, the high is gonna continue because I'll have community, I'll be snowboarding, and it will be amazing.
Ashton:So, eventually, yada yada yada, I decided to go to Canada and make another move. This would have been my fifth move in the year. So, yeah, it was devastating. I cried so much leaving Wanaka and leaving my friends and this amazing life I had built for myself there, selling my car and everything. It just was devastating, but I knew it was kind of what I needed.
Ashton:So going to New Zealand, no plan, no house, no job, no friends. And it worked out and I trusted my gut and I said, why not? I was applying for jobs in Canada and I kind of I didn't have a set place I wanted to go and I was gonna let the job dictate where I would end up, but nothing was coming through. I started applying for jobs in August. I was gonna move in November and nothing's happening.
Ashton:And I was like, you know what? I got to New Zealand and I didn't have a job and I didn't have an house and I didn't have friends, so why can't I do it again? And I fully believed in myself of doing that. But we are led into the next holding pattern. So the date of me leaving New Zealand is coming up and I still don't have a job.
Ashton:But this time, the one thing that's different is I do have friends from New Zealand who were moving back to Canada as well. And I ended up having two friends that were going to this town called Fernie. And I said, alright, if a job isn't gonna work out, I'm gonna go to where I at least know some people. I did go there. I ended up there.
Ashton:I didn't want to end up back at my parents' house. I wanted my own freedom. And I end up in Fernie, and I have a temporary house and I have friends, but no money. Again, like I said, living in New Zealand, paycheck to paycheck. There's not a lot being put in the savings account, and I needed to find work right away, and it just was not happening for me.
Ashton:I went and dropped off resumes and walked into pretty much every restaurant, bakery, coffee shop that was in this town, given the town is 5,000 people. So a little hard, but I had high hopes for myself. And I get there, and it's just, again, in this period of, like, what the hell am I doing? And also the money hi, Yolanda. Also, the money thing is such a big stressor.
Ashton:Like, there's a point where if you can meet your needs and you're not making your ideal amount of money, but all your needs basic needs are covered. Okay. But I was at this point. The little meow. Okay.
Ashton:Come here. Come in. Come join. You're giving me comfort? Yeah.
Ashton:I was at this point that I couldn't think about anything other than money. And I ended up getting a phone call from my aunt who lived in Canada, who I didn't have the closest of relationship with, but she knew the situation and knew I was struggling and ended up saying, why don't you come live with us for the season? There's jobs where we live. We we can, you know, provide a home and food for you for a couple months to get back on your feet. And I, again, I mentioned earlier, I am the eldest daughter epitome of that archetype and hyper independence.
Ashton:Asking for help and relying on other people makes my skin crawl. That was offered to me, but I did not wanna accept it. I absolutely could understand, wow. This is so nice, but I just can't do that. And then probably a week went by, and I'm in a really bad mental state and stressing more than I've ever stressed about money because I just I couldn't go back home.
Ashton:I knew I couldn't do that. And I ended up deciding, okay. I'm gonna do this because I don't wanna put myself in credit card debt. I this is this opportunity's here, and I I have to take it. It would be stupid not to take it.
Ashton:It wasn't just relying on other people for help. It was this sense of belief I had in myself, and I I felt like such a failure. And I was really disappointed in myself, which is not something I had felt in a while. I was really seeing the situation as a failure. And I don't handle failure well.
Ashton:I try to avoid failure, which I would say I used to try to avoid failure. Don't anymore. I do think this was a really good lesson for me to go through. Again, holding patterns, you have to go through them to actually change or end up in the next positive place. I ended up saying yes to going and giving up my freedom again, still not knowing what direction I was going in, but knowing I could get back on my feet a bit more and I probably would find work.
Ashton:So I did end up doing that. As I said, it felt like a big failure because the last year, I had really leaned into uncertainty, and the universe had caught me. Like, I I had open arms and was like, take me where you wanna take me where I'm meant to go. Take me whatever direction. I don't have expectations.
Ashton:Let's see what happens. And I felt like I did the same thing with Canada. And I was like, here, universe, I'm leaving it up to you again. I'm putting so much trust. And it felt like I was letting myself down and the universe was letting me down and this belief of something bigger was letting me down and that's was such a hard pill to swallow.
Ashton:But it ended up yes. Of course, like it always does. It ended up working out because the day I booked my flight to Vancouver to my aunt's house, I got an email from a helicopter ski lodge wanting to interview. And it just literally I can't even explain the feeling of seeing that email and be like, oh my god. Of like, I surrendered.
Ashton:I accepted fail failure or defeat or whatever, and then here it is. And, yeah, I ended up getting that job. I went back to Vancouver and was with my aunt and started the job two weeks later. The universe is one funny bitch. But this time around, I want to talk about, again, kind of, like, the navigation that helped me get through this holding period because there are similar things, but also, you know, as a year no longer than that, but, like, another year older, different experiences under my belt, how did that help shape this navigation?
Ashton:Another big theme was leaning on your people. Obviously, I had to really lean on family this time around and friends, of course. The crying phone calls didn't stop. They were happening frequently. But, yeah, leaning on my people, this was such an lesson of asking for help is so important and learning how to ask for help is very important.
Ashton:It's a lesson I'm still learning, but it's getting easier because I have gone through this. Journaling, very important again. What the journaling created during this holding period was this podcast. I came up with this idea a year ago. Like I said, I I think at the start is I was going through it, and I just wanted to hear other people's stories of, like, being in the shit show of life and making myself feel less alone, but all I could find was success stories, and it made me feel 10 times worse.
Ashton:And here, Holding Patterns was born. So journal, people. You don't know what's gonna come from it. Podcasts were really helpful. Like, hearing other people's stories and just how there's not one set path and there's not a black and white decision.
Ashton:Yeah. That was the characteristic of this time and there'll be many more to go. But I wanted to provide insight of my own experiences and hopefully other people who listen to this can see themselves. Maybe in some parts of those that relate to any feelings I talked about and just know you're not alone in the shit show. And, yeah, I actually, it's ironic.
Ashton:This is where the podcast is starting because I am in yet another holding pattern. Surprise, surprise. Because I have got myself on this seasonal train. My job ends every six months, and I have to kind of figure out what's next for myself. And I ended up after the Hulley Ski Lodge landing a dream job, literal dream job as a tour guide around The US.
Ashton:So it's the first time I ended up back in The US in a long time, but it was for a job I could absolutely not refuse. But the job ended and I did make the decision to come back to Canada for the winter. There was lots of different possibilities up in the air, but I knew I wanted a community because I really missed that. And I ended up doing the same thing I've done in the last holding Pattern or the last transitionary periods and trying to apply for a job before I got here. And this time, I really thought one was gonna work out.
Ashton:I really did. And then it fell through about three weeks before I moved. But at this point, they just it rolls off my shoulders a lot easier now. I'm not saying the result is easier, but the ability to accept and sit with things falling through has gotten a lot easier. So I think I've tried to take certain lessons from each holding pattern I've been through and not have to repeat every lesson.
Ashton:And I really did tell myself, okay, I'm gonna go back to Canada and or I'm gonna go through this move, but I'm going with a job this time because look what happened last winter. And guess what? It's February and your girl is unemployed still. So, yeah, I'm still figuring shit out. But the characteristic and feelings of this holding pattern is I've really surrendered to it.
Ashton:I am in a very different money situation, which I feel so immensely proud of myself for and that I can sit here and be unemployed and not have to, like, not have to go rely on other people and I can rely on myself right now. And, yeah, certain aspects I absolutely have gotten better with and made improvement and the other ones not so much. So but it wouldn't be fun if I was perfect right now because there would be not a lot to learn. So I'm not complaining. And I'm proud of my ability to sit with the discomfort this time around because I have been uncomfortable and down on myself and disappointed, but I've also really been able to lean into the quiet and the reflection and allow this period to teach me things because I know it's needed.
Ashton:And I know whatever's coming on the other side of it is gonna be amazing. And, also, this podcast is being created in the Holding Pattern this time around. So I know I'm gonna look back on that and be grateful for it. Wow. That all being said, dumped my whole life story onto this podcast.
Ashton:Before I finish up the episode, I wanted to share this poem that was shared with me during a yoga class I recently went to. When she read this in class, I knew I wanted to include it because it resonates so deeply with the whole essence of what I want this podcast to be. So this is called the rhythm by Tara Moore. In any creative feat by which I mean your work, your art, your life, there will be downtimes Or so it seems. Just as the earth is busy before the harvest and a baby grows before its birth, there is no silence in you.
Ashton:There is no time of nothingness. What if during the quiet times, when the idea of flow is hushed and hard to find, you trusted, and yes, I mean trusted, that the well was filling, the water is moving? What if you trusted that for the rest of eternity, without prodding, without self discipline, without getting over being yourself, you would be gifted every ounce of productivity you need? What would leave you? What would open?
Ashton:And what if during the quiet times you ate great meals and leaned back to smile at the stars and saw them there as they always are, nourishing you? There are seasons, and harvest is only a fraction of one of them. We forget this. There is the rhythm that made everything. The next time you stand in the kitchen leaning, the next time a moment of silent catches you there, hear it, that rhythm, and let it place a stone in your spine.
Ashton:Let it bring you someplace beautiful. I'll let you all sit with that. Thank you so much for listening to the very first episode of Holding Patterns. Thank you so much if you gotten to this point and have listened to this whole episode. I'm super excited for what's to come.
Ashton:Alright. Talk to you guys next episode.