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A Shovavim series learning a Torah approach to shmiras einayim and shmiras habris, with practical tools and perspectives.
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So we're in the טהר לבנו series,
part two.
This topic is titled in English,
Avoiding the Battle,
and in Hebrew,
אל תביאנו לידי ניסיון.
So we're going to speak about three different stages:
the stage of avoiding the battle to begin with,
avoiding the conflict—that's going to be today's topic.
And then the next few weeks are going to be about how to win
when confronted with the battle,
and what to do if you did didn't.
But let's focus today on avoiding the conflict.
See,
there's there's a misconception that people have that you have to prove yourself that
you're strong.
As if you're a captain of a ship and there's an iceberg in front
of you,
and and you're going to show that iceberg who's stronger.
You're going to show him!
Or you're going to get really close,
and you're going to show him that at the last second,
you can avoid him,
because you're going to show that iceberg how skilled and talented you are.
And there's this false mindset that people have that,
"I'm strong,
and I need to prove my strength.
So I'm going to go around putting myself in situations which are challenging,
or allowing myself to be in situations which are challenging,
and I'm going to prove my strength.
And it may be true that I've fallen in those areas in the past,
but that doesn't mean I'm going to fall again now.
I can still go into the same place,
be in the same situation,
the same scenario,
and this time this time I'm going to be strong,
and I'm going to prove it.
And that's part of what my mission in life is."
אדם הראשון was the first one to make that mistake.
Rabbi Dessler teaches that אדם הראשון,
the reason why he sinned wasn't because he had a תאוה.
He was in a place where everything was clear,
the difference between truth and false.
But he wanted to prove to Hashem how strong he was.
He wanted to enter a zone where he had temptation and then get out
of the temptation.
And he believed that by showing Hashem that he put himself in a place
of desire and overcoming the desire,
that will show Hashem how dedicated he is to Hashem,
how loyal he is.
And that was his failure.
Never mind that he failed in the end,
and he actually ate the fruit,
but even if he wouldn't have,
just the fact that he put himself in a situation where he was being
tempted,
that was already a sin.
Because הקדוש ברוך הוא didn't ask from you to be in a difficult situation
and get out of it.
Hashem's not impressed by that.
Hashem's not impressed.
He says to you,
"Don't get into the sin to begin with."
And we learn that from קהלת,
אמרתי אני טובה חכמה מגבורה.
And that's going to be our catchphrase for today's שיעור:
טובה חכמה מגבורה.
It's better to be wise than to be strong.
Don't try and spend your life proving how strong you are by being in
difficult situations and then winning the situation.
Even if you win,
you failed.
And I want to go through this very,
very important גמרא and learn it together because this is the halachic crux of
the matter.
The גמרא in בבא בתרא on דף נז says:
A פסוק in ישעיהו,
ועוצם עיניו מראות ברע.
A person is praised for closing his eyes from seeing bad things.
And רבי חייא בר אבא says,
what who's this referring to?
זה שאין מסתכל בנשים בשעה שעומדות על הכביסה.
There were women who were washing their clothing,
and a man walks past and he doesn't look.
Rather,
he closes his eyes,
doesn't look.
So the גמרא is confused what exactly the situation is here:
היכי דמי?
What what exactly is the case?
אי דאיכא דרכא אחרינא,
אחריתא,
so if a person had two paths to walk on,
he could have gone on the other path,
but he chose to go on the path next to the river where the
women are washing clothing,
and when they wash clothing they reveal parts of their body which is inappropriate
to see.
And he chose to go on the path where he could see the women,
and he didn't look!
He was a גיבור!
He was strong!
He went there and he didn't look!
Hashem's going to be proud of him,
right?
Wrong!
He's a רשע,
that's the language of the גמרא:
אי איכא דרכא אחריתא רשע הוא,
meaning someone who has a smartphone which is unfiltered,
and they never look at anything inappropriate is a רשע according to this definition
of the גמרא.
That's the definition.
If you have two choices,
a choice where there's inappropriate things and a choice where there's no inappropriate things,
and you choose the path of inappropriate and don't look,
but the fact that you put yourself in that situation to begin with,
that already was failing.
אי דליכא דרכא אחריתא,
if there's no other path,
אנוס הוא?
Then what do you want from him?
He was אנוס,
even if he saw,
he was אנוס.
He didn't do anything wrong.
He's not a צדיק either,
he didn't do anything wrong.
He was allowed to be there.
There's He needs to go home.
He's not going to go home?
He he needs to walk home.
How is he going to get there?
That's the only way.
He's אנוס.
Answers the גמרא,
לעולם דליכא דרכא אחריתא,
there was no other path for him to go on,
ואפילו הכי,
even though you have no other way of going.
So you're walking home and you're walking home via women who are not צנוע.
So you have You're allowed to walk there.
It's your way home.
You're allowed to walk there,
and still מיבעי ליה למינס נפשיה,
you need to save yourself.
In other words,
you shouldn't look,
should close your eyes,
walk past in a way that you won't see.
Now,
I want to explain a little bit,
go into this a little deeper before we get to the more halachic aspect
of it.
Just the the נפש.
Like what happens to a person in their soul,
emotionally,
how does this affect a person?
So we're looking at two paths.
There's the גבורה path,
and there's the חכם path.
The גבורה path,
like we've described,
is someone who puts himself in a challenge,
that's path number one,
whether they succeed or not,
let's say they succeed,
גיבור.
And the חכם is a person who avoids the battle.
He doesn't get into the battle to begin with.
Look what happens in the soul of a person who's on these two paths.
Path number one,
אדם הראשון,
the person who walks past the path where the women are washing their clothing,
what happens to this?
This is what happens.
He says,
"I'm going to go and I'm not going to look."
He's not looking,
he's feeling good.
His inner voice,
the יצר הרע,
says to him,
"Well done for not looking,
well done.
Look at you,
a real צדיק!
Look at you,
look at that!
Look at you,
you did it!
How long can you do that for?
Really,
really,
you know?
You you knew there were women there,
right?
And you didn't look.
So what were you thinking while you weren't looking?
You were thinking,
'I'm not going to look,
I'm not going to look,
I'm not going to look.'
But you were thinking that the whole time.
How how how long can you do this for?
How long can you do this?
The temptation's there,
right?
You feel the the want to look."
So you're not looking.
Good,
you're a גיבור.
But but you wanted to,
didn't you want to?
I know you wanted to!
I know the fact that you were holding back means that you had the
desire.
So you So the desire is there,
the desire is being awakened.
Yes,
you didn't look,
very good this time,
but I don't know if you could do it next time.
So what ends up happening is,
this is talking about a גיבור,
someone who didn't look.
But the very fact he allowed himself to be in a test means he
awakened the desire for sin.
And he overcame it,
that's good,
but it was already awakened.
Now there's this feeling of,
"But that's what I really want to do.
That's what I really wanted.
How long can I do it for?
I have to restrain myself,
but I need to be true to myself."
So a person who chooses the path of the גיבור,
that he's going to put himself in a place of test,
or he allows himself to be there,
and he's not going to look,
but there's this inner voice that's saying to him,
"Yeah,
but it's what you really wanted.
Try and You have to be truthful,
you have to be honest,
you have to be authentic,
that's who you are,
that's what you want."
משל למה הדבר דומה,
it's like a person who walks through a smokers' area,
and he didn't smoke,
but he walked through the smokers' area.
So there's a lingering effect.
So too a person who walks past an area where there's inappropriate things to
look at,
or he has the ability to look at inappropriate things,
and he's struggling,
and he's struggling,
and he wins!
There's a feeling of victory,
but there's still a lingering effect.
It still It still stays with him,
that you wanted to do it,
you were thinking of doing it,
it's part of you,
it's who you are.
That's the path of גבורה.
What's the other path?
Look at the person who says,
"I'm not going to go there to begin with."
So he he never allowed himself to taste the sin to begin with.
He never allowed the desire and the temptation to build within him.
He says There's a moment,
obviously,
when he's deciding which way to go,
where he's thinking about it,
but he didn't get into a situation where he was,
"I'm not going to look,
I'm not going to look."
He avoided the conflict entirely.
So he strengthened the inner awareness that my desire is I don't want to
even go close to sin.
What he did was he aligned himself with good from the beginning!
He says,
"I don't want to be in a situation where I'm going to be tempted."
So he has ישוב הדעת.
I'm I'm good.
It's not a battle that I have to overcome.
There's no battle at all.
It's just a calm,
calm place.
So if we compare the two just to another משל,
there's two people who have jobs both involved in saving others from buildings that
crash.
There's the one guy who his role is safety inspector.
He goes and he tests to make sure that the cement is as it's
supposed to be,
the pillars are like they're supposed to be,
the metal is as supposed to be,
everything is intact and it's strong.
He is a That's his job.
It's actually quite a boring job.
He goes tested,
if everything's good,
good.
If it's not good,
then he says,
"You have to add some more cement here.
Very good."
He goes home.
Very boring job.
But he does his job.
The second person,
he's the ambulance driver.
Way more exciting!
"Oh,
there's a building that crashed,
we have to go!
Let's go!
I'm going to go ahead and pull the guy out and I'm pulling him!"
Action!
News!
He's going to be famous!
He's Please,
please.
If you're choosing one of the two jobs,
make sure the safety inspector does his job well at the beginning.
Let's not get to the news.
Let's not get to the action.
It's much better not to have it.
So,
you have a choice.
טובה חכמה מגבורה.
It's better to be a safety inspector who's spending his time ensuring that we
don't get to dangerous situations,
that everyone is safe,
that everything is calm,
and you're aligning yourself with doing good things.
Your association of yourself,
your inner awareness,
your identity is,
"I'm a good guy.
I'm doing good."
The other option is allowing oneself to be in conflict,
being in a battle,
being in a dangerous situation.
That's an identity of,
"I'm always struggling with this.
This is a battle for me,
and I win most of the time,
and that's good,
but it's all ongoing,
and it's challenging for me,
and I don't know how long I can keep this up.
It's what I really want to do."
That same גמרא in בבא בתרא has another גמרא that in פסחים that it
contradicts.
And the באר מים חיים,
which is the footnotes of the חפץ חיים on his own book in חלק
ראשון,
הלכות איסורי לשון הרע,
כלל ו,
סעיף ה,
he brings this סתירה.
And it seems like no one addressed this before him that he was aware
of,
because he brings it as a new סוגיא,
and he ends off by saying,
"ועיינתי הרבה בהאי קושיא," and he gives his own answer.
He doesn't bring opinions that came before him.
But the גמרא in פסחים which he brings on דף כ״ה,
which seems to contradict our גמרא in בבא בתרא,
is it's talking there about a person walking past a house of עבודה זרה.
And there's a smell of the incense that they're burning in the house of
עבודה זרה.
And it's pleasurable to smell the smell of incense.
So is a person allowed to walk past the house of עבודה זרה and
then he'll benefit from the smell,
although he doesn't really want to,
he doesn't have intention to,
or not?
There the גמרא has a different outcome from our גמרא.
There the גמרא says אפשר,
meaning he's got another way he can go,
ולא מכוין,
but he doesn't have intention to benefit from it,
שרי,
is allowed.
Right,
so that's the exact same case as our case,
but with the opposite outcome.
In our case,
if there's two paths,
he can either walk on the path where the women are dressed inappropriately because
they're washing their clothing,
but he can also walk on another path,
there it's forbidden to walk on the path where the women are,
because it's אפשר ולא מכוין.
There's another way to walk.
Go the other way.
But by the גמרא in פסחים,
where there's another path he could walk on,
there it says,
"It's fine,
you can go on the path next to עבודה זרה,
and even if you smell it,
it's okay,
just so long as you didn't have intention for it."
So the חפץ חיים's bothered by that question.
If our גמרא says he's a רשע for doing that,
he's a רשע for going on that path even if he doesn't look,
why in the גמרא in פסחים on דף כ״ה there is he allowed to
walk there so long as he doesn't have intention?
And he concludes like this,
it's a long,
long,
long piece,
and he concludes,
"עיינתי הרבה בהאי קושיא.
I looked into this matter a lot.
ונראה לי,
and I think,
דסברת הגמרא,
the rationale behind the גמרא is,
דבעריות מפני שנפשו של אדם מחמדתן צריך להחמיר יותר."
עריות is a different league.
A man has no control over himself when it comes to עריות.
There's no אפוטרופוס for עריות.
Even if a person thinks he's in control,
he doesn't have control of himself.
So if he chooses to go on another path,
it's going to awaken desires within him,
you don't know where it's going to end up.
You have to be more strict in that area.
So when it comes to עבודה זרה,
just smelling the עבודה זרה,
that's inappropriate,
but that won't lead a person to have desires,
תאוה,
he's thinking about it after he walks on,
he's still But with עריות,
it is.
A person's mind still continues to work.
His desires still continue to bother him.
And eventually,
חס ושלום,
it could lead to sin.
So you see,
you're not allowed to put yourself in a situation of danger,
specifically in עריות,
because that's where the mind works.
The מהרש״א on that גמרא,
he he asks a halachic question,
I just want to say the conclusion of what he comes out with.
He says,
if you were in your own place—this is the מהרש״א there in בבא בתרא—if
you're in your own place,
and you didn't intend to see something bad,
but an inappropriate image of a woman who's dressed inappropriately walks in front of
you,
you're not held accountable at all.
You're not allowed to look,
you look away,
but you're not held accountable.
And that's a super-important piece to read,
because there are many,
many times where we weren't choosing to see a certain an image.
But an image popped up.
Popped up on a screen,
popped up on the road,
popped up on a,
on a billboard,
it popped up somewhere.
So,
where does that put you?
Where are you left with that?
So,
there are some people who have seen it,
"Now I've seen it.
Now it's in my mind," and they allow themselves to continue to think about
it and contemplate,
and they keep going.
And the מהרש״א here is saying,
you're not held accountable for that.
Just don't continue looking.
Now I want to tell an amazing story about this.
מעשה שהיה או שלא היה,
there was a רבי and a תלמיד—it's a nice story.
There was a רבי and a תלמיד who were walking,
and they walked past an area where there was water,
and there was a girl there who was drowning.
And the רבי knew how to swim,
and he jumped in the water,
and he saved the girl,
and he brought her out,
and made sure she was okay,
and then,
once she had help,
he continued.
Now,
the רבי and the תלמיד had been walking and talking and learning together.
Until that moment,
they paused,
saved her life,
continued walking.
The רבי picked up from where they were talking about,
in learning,
continued walking.
The תלמיד couldn't handle it.
In his mind,
like,
the רבי touched a girl,
the רבי was with the girl,
how could that be,
how could that be?
Right?
The תלמיד hadn't learned the סוגיא of חסיד שוטה,
so he was a שוטה himself.
But he was thinking about that,
it was in his mind the whole time.
And then he said to his רבי,
at one point,
"רבי,
stop,
stop!"
So the רבי said,
"What?"
He said,
"I can't take it."
He said,
"What can't you take?"
He said,
"רבי,
how could you have touched her?"
So the רבי said to him,
"I put her down a half an hour ago.
Why are you still carrying her?"
Boom!
It's an amazing line.
The fact that you saw an image,
that wasn't your choice.
In the case of this רבי,
he did a big מצוה.
He saved her life.
But there's this ruminating thought that continues.
The תלמיד was still carrying the girl.
The fact that an image came to you,
you're not held accountable for.
It came to you,
you didn't choose it.
But now that you're choosing to still think about it,
more and more and more and more,
you're inviting that thought.
You're creating more tension within yourself.
Put it down,
let it go,
move on.
"Yeah,
but the thought came to me!
That means that..."
It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean anything.
תוספות there on that same גמרא,
he says—sorry,
תוספות is on a different גמרא,
the גמרא in עבודה זרה says,
"ונשמרת מכל דבר רע.
You have to be very careful from anything evil."
What's that גמרא teaching us?
שלא יהרהר אדם ביום ויבוא לידי טומאה בלילה.
This is exactly our topic.
טובה חכמה מגבורה.
It's better to be wise.
If you allow yourself to think about things that are inappropriate during the day,
like we just described,
ruminating over them,
thinking about them,
I'm not talking about a thought that popped into your mind.
A person who allows himself to think about it,
allows himself to look at something,
so he's מהרהר ביום,
he's thinking about it in day,
and he will come to טומאה בלילה,
then nighttime he'll come and have a seminal emission.
So תוספות there,
this is עבודה זרה דף כ׳,
he says,
"האי קרא דרשה גמורה היא ולא אסמכתא."
Now,
so when you read the פסוק,
"ונשמרת מכל דבר רע," it could mean many things.
It might mean don't stand in the middle of the road,
you know,
just be careful not to do bad things.
So how do you know what it's referring to?
Says תוספות,
תוספות עבודה זרה דף כ׳,
this is the פשט of the פסוק,
this is what it's coming to teach you,
that be careful not to think inappropriate thoughts during the day,
don't allow yourself to contemplate them and ruminate over them,
because that will cause a seminal emission at night.
That's be wise.
Don't think about them day because you don't know what's going to happen later
on.
תוספות says,
"But what do you mean that's an עבירה?"
Doesn't it say in חולין,
יחזקאל says,
"You know why I'm on such a high level?
Because I never thought about inappropriate thoughts during the day."
Whoa,
high level,
that's great!
But you just said that's the level that everyone should have!
That's the basic fulfillment of the פסוק,
"ונשמרת מכל דבר רע."
So why did יחזקאל think of himself to be on a high level that
he didn't think of inappropriate thoughts?
So listen to his answer:
"רבותא היא," says תוספות,
"ממה שהיה מציל עצמו מהרהור."
יחזקאל was amazing,
he was on a special level,
he didn't even have spontaneous thoughts!
"מה שאין כן בשאר אדם," as opposed to regular people,
"אינו ניצול מהם בכל יום."
They can't save themselves from them on a daily basis.
As the גמרא says,
"שלושה דברים אין אדם ניצול מהם בכל יום."
So,
it's normal and expected that everyone—except for יחזקאל הנביא,
but okay,
let's talk about regular people—it's normal and expected for everyone to have thoughts of
עריות that pop in their thought during the day.
That's regular,
that's normal.
A person who then says,
"Oh,
my gosh,
this thought came to me.
Do you know what that means?
That means I'm thinking about these things.
That means that's who I am.
That means that's my identity," and they they allow themselves to continue thinking about
them,
for that they're held accountable.
There they had a choice whether to to allow it to continue.
You're not held accountable for the first thought that comes to you.
That's normal,
it's expected,
on a daily basis.
But it's your choice what to do with it once it comes:
to allow yourself to continue thinking about it,
or to hold back.
So we're looking for examples of people who did this in the past,
and we're looking for practical skills and tools about how to,
what to do with it,
how to overcome it,
how not to get into the situation.
So let's talk about a practical skill.
The גמרא in כתובות in פרק ה׳,
and I like to remind my wife of this frequently,
says that these are the מלאכות that a woman is obligated to her husband:
טוחנת,
she has to grind;
אופה,
she has to bake;
מכבסת,
she has to wash the clothing;
מבשלת,
she has to cook the clothing;
and it goes on and on and on,
there's a lot more things on that list.
Take the joke aside,
that's what the גמרא says.
So the גמרא says,
what happens if when you get married,
the wife brings in a maid?
Like in South Africa,
where they they have lots of maids doing all the work for you.
What do you do then?
So it says,
well,
if she brings in one maid,
she is exempt from these מלאכות;
two maids,
these מלאכות;
three maids,
these מלאכות.
What if she brings in four maids?
So there's two opinions.
רבי אליעזר says,
אפילו הכניסה לו מאה שפחות,
even if a woman brings into the marriage a hundred maids,
maidservants taking care of all the work in the house,
כופה לעשות בצמר,
he can force her to still work in some area of work.
She should still be involved in working in the house,
being involved in things.
Why?
שהבטלה מביאה לידי זימה.
Because not doing anything causes זימה,
causes promiscuity,
causes חטא.
Now let's think about that for a minute.
If if a person's sitting by themselves in a room doing nothing,
they're not going to suddenly say,
"Ah,
עבודה זרה!
בעל!
אשרה!
Buddha!"
It just doesn't happen,
you know?
If you leave a person to think to themselves,
their mind doesn't automatically go to the עבירה of עבודה זרה.
It just doesn't happen.
And that's why we learned earlier in פסחים that you're allowed to walk past
a house of עבודה זרה,
and even if you smell the smell,
it's okay,
as long as you don't have intention to joy enjoy it,
because it's not going to be that later on your mind's going to be
going,
"Wow,
that smell," and he thinks of all that עבודה זרה in the world.
It doesn't happen that a person that sits by himself,
that's what happens.
But if you per put a person in a room by himself and there's
nothing going on,
the default is that he'll think about זימה.
That's where the mind goes to.
It's just where it goes.
And like,
why?
Like why,
why does it do that?
Who who chose that?
Who asked for that?
That's where it goes.
That's what we learned yesterday.
Yesterday we learned that the idea of עריות in the healthy way is the
very life force of man.
It's הקדוש ברוך הוא's desire that we will have kids and that we will
procreate,
so Hashem makes it a natural basic desire for a man.
So it's not that we're bad or weird or off,
it's the way we're programmed.
We're programmed in such a way that if you're not doing anything productive,
your mind will go to זימה.
It's not because Hashem wants us to sin,
חס ושלום.
You're programmed that way so that you'll be productive.
Like we learned the גמרא yesterday,
והנה טוב מאד is the יצר הרע,
because the יצר הרע causes you to build houses,
to get married,
to be involved in business.
I mean that same desire of productivity and procreation is the same desire that
if a person's left by himself will cause him to do זימה.
And therefore,
if our if our goal today is to learn the principle טובה חכמה מגבורה,
it's better to be strong than to be,
sorry,
sorry,
don't do that,
don't do that,
it's better to be wise than to be strong,
if that's our goal,
then being wise means being productive,
proactive all the time.
All the time being productive.
When my son was checking out high schools,
I was super nervous because where I came from,
you don't go to boarding school.
There's like there's no such thing as a boarding school where I come from.
It's not a concept.
And in Israel,
all the schools that my son was looking at were all boarding schools.
And I was worried about it.
Like,
I know how productive it is that when you're at home and there's lots
going on and there's a family and you're always involved and engaged,
and I was worried about a boarding school.
In my mind that was a dangerous thing,
because then there's a lot of time like when you're alone and a lot
of time just by yourself and you're not with your family all the time,
and I wasn't sure.
I wanted to know how it went.
So when I went with my son to check out the schools,
I said to them,
"What do they do in the evening?"
So they had night סדר for a certain period of time,
but then there's,
you know,
there's a good,
depending on the boy,
between 2 and 9 hours after night סדר,
I mean some people go to bed late,
right?
But really it's not programmed that way,
but there are kids that go to bed very late,
I mean until שחרית,
right?
So so there's a there's a good amount of time after night סדר finishes
where there's not much going on.
And that's the danger zone of בטלה מביאה לידי זימה.
That's a time where if you're not productive and proactive,
then that's where things happen.
That's where people sin.
So I asked the ראש ישיבה,
I said like,
"What do they do in the evenings?"
So he told me,
"Every evening there's activity."
One evening,
it's a בית חם.
One evening,
they do sport.
They do running,
they have training.
One evening,
I don't know what they,
one evening they have a חוג where they're like,
one,
one time it's סופרות,
and one time it's woodwork,
they have different חוגים.
And one time it's another running one,
and one time that that's when they go home.
So like every evening there there there's something arranged where they're active and productive.
שלא להביא לידי ניסיון,
not to get to a test.
That means that you have to have a whole list and part of your
schedule of productivity that there's never a situation where you have dead time.
Because you're not off if you think of זימה,
if you think of inappropriate things when you're bored.
That's the default.
That's the way we're programmed.
That's the way Hashem made us,
because He wants us to be productive.
That's טוב מאוד of the יצר הרע,
that you're going to go and be productive.
But that means you have to respond to that.
You have to never be in a situation where you're bored.
I want to emphasize this point very clearly:
being bored is a choice.
If you allow yourself to be bored in a situation where there's nothing going
on,
that was your choice to be in a ניסיון.
Because from there,
it's going to lead to acting out.
That's the natural response.
Someone's bored,
they don't know what to do with themselves,
the thoughts naturally come to do an איסור.
They feel like more bored and more depressed or more like nothing's going on,
they want to feel happy,
they want to feel productive,
what are they going to do?
They don't have anything else,
no other option,
nothing else to do,
they sin.
Sin could be in thoughts,
sin could be in זרע לבטלה,
but that's the natural place where it will go.
That's designed by Hashem.
That's what it is.
That's not really designed by Hashem.
What's really designed by Hashem is that you take that sense of being bored
and you immediately say,
"I have to be productive."
So that's a trigger.
Notice the trigger.
If if someone senses that he is bored,
that's a trigger to sin.
Being in a situation where you're bored is a trigger to sin.
And you have to have an alternative.
You have to have,
"What do I do?"
So some people,
they learn.
And that's great.
It's not only great because it's inherently valuable,
but it's just being productive.
And some people may choose to read interesting books that aren't תורה.
That's also fine.
Not everything is fine,
but many things are fine.
There's a lot of secular wisdom which is interesting,
productive,
or even a novel,
assuming that it's something which isn't inappropriate material itself,
which is going to cause more desire,
but it's being active and being productive,
it's not just lying there doing nothing.
But you have to have your go-tos.
You have to have in your mind that I'm never bored.
There's no such thing as my being bored.
I always have what I'm doing,
what I'm involved in.
So it could be learning תורה ideally,
it could be doing other reading.
One of the best,
best ways is socializing.
Having חברה,
playing a board game,
getting involved,
being productive,
being proactive,
being involved,
playing music,
listening to music,
doing exercise,
go for a jog,
have an obvious go-to that you have that you're never in a situation where
you're bored.
You always have something productive,
proactive to do,
because הבטלה מביאה לידי זימה.
It's just the natural way that will come out.
יוסף הצדיק,
look at the situation that he was in.
He was about to sin.
אשת פוטיפר grabbed his piece of clothing.
The רמב״ן asks the question:
why didn't he grab it back?
He left evidence,
incriminating evidence in her hand.
It messed him up.
It ruined him.
He ended up in jail.
How long would it have taken for him,
says the רמב״ן,
he was definitely stronger than her,
to just grab it back and walk away,
and not leave it in that hand,
in her hand?
That's the question of the רמב״ן.
The answer that רב חיים שמואלביץ gives is that he was scared.
He's about to run away and then he turns back to face her in
order to grab the piece of clothing back.
And as he turns back to face her and she smiles,
says,
"Oh,
you do want?"
At that moment,
he may fail.
He didn't want to put himself in a test,
and he knew that turning back to look at her for a split second,
that would enter the test,
and he may fail then.
And he was scared of that.
He would rather leave himself in a situation where he maybe end up in
jail and who knows what's going to happen and not be a גיבור.
Not be strong:
"I can turn around,
I can grab it back and I'll be okay.
I know I'll be okay.
I'm a strong guy.
I'll pull it away from her,
nothing's going to happen."
You don't know how strong you are.
You don't know if turning around that one split second,
all your defenses will fall and you may sin.
Don't allow yourself even a split second of allowing anything to look at.
He didn't turn around for a split second,
and he won.
He won the battle.
He won the battle by not entering the battle to begin with.
He was a חכם.
And on that topic I want to add,
curiosity killed the cat,
and it also killed the ישיבה בחור.
Because curiosity is one where it starts off where you're sitting in the בית
מדרש,
and someone just walks in,
and you want to look who it is.
Who's that?
Who's that?
Who's that walking past?
You want to look past.
Now,
who cares who it is?
What does it make a difference?
Are you waiting for your חברותא?
Even if it is,
okay,
if he is,
he'll sit down.
Who cares who's walking past?
What does that make a difference in the world?
It's really annoying also to learn with a חברותא like that,
that you're busy talking to them and then someone walks,
they look up to see who it is.
Not that they ever do anything about it,
but they're just distracted the whole time,
they're looking up.
Why?
Curious.
Curiosity could be a good thing.
If you're curious in what you're learning to understand it on a deeper level,
that's a good thing,
that's going to help you,
that's channeling curiosity in a good way.
But a person who is curious to just always know what's going on and
find out information and to notice who's walking past,
that trait is going to make him when something pops up on his phone,
"Ah,
that's interesting.
I wonder what that is."
I'm curious.
I don't want to do anything wrong.
I don't want to sin.
I just,
I wonder what that is,
that looks so interesting.
And then he presses it,
גיהנם.
That's it,
it's downward hill from there.
Now,
he wasn't planning to sin,
but the way these things are designed is that they draw you in,
and they draw you further,
and they draw you further.
So,
just having the inner strength in the בית מדרש of not looking who's walking
past,
which is in a totally neutral area,
just having that strength,
"I don't have to look.
I'm,
I'm strong-willed."
Here it's good to be a גיבור.
Here you're being a חכם to be a גיבור,
to not put yourself in a test.
So you don't need to look,
there's no נפקא מינה.
It doesn't matter who it is.
It doesn't matter who it is,
who cares?
Carry on focusing on what you're learning.
Not for the sake of תלמוד תורה because of ביטול תורה,
I'm not talking about that.
Inner strength.
Inner strength,
I don't need to look.
If you gain the ability to overcome curiosity in other neutral areas,
that's always the best way to work on עריות,
is not to work on them directly,
but to work on them indirectly,
work on them in other areas to build up the strength without having to
think about it all the time.
You'll have the strength also when there's something which is inappropriate to look at
for עריות,
I don't need to look,
I don't need to be there.
In the War of Independence,
צפת was a majority Arab town.
There were a few Jews from the old ישוב who didn't have the ability
to fight,
and they were going to give in.
But some fighters came from the הגנה,
and they said,
"We're going to hold strong.
We're going to win this battle."
And the,
the mobs of Arabs coming from the Arab neighborhood,
they said,
"Shakh dal Yahud!
We're going to slaughter the Jews!"
And they started a whole mob walking towards the Jewish quarter.
1948,
just before,
just before the War of Independence.
They were marching towards the Jewish quarter to kill the Jews.
And at the front,
at the head of them,
were two Arabs who,
once the mob started,
they went to the front,
they started leading the mob,
who were actually Jewish,
and they were undercover.
They didn't start the mob going to kill the Jews,
that happened without them,
but once the mob started going,
then they went to the front and they started leading the procession.
And as they were getting close to where the Jewish quarter was,
they shouted in Arabic,
I don't know how to say this,
I'll say in English,
they said,
"The Jews are here!
Follow us!"
And they started walking downhill away from the Jewish quarter.
And they started shouting,
"Shakh dal Yahud!
Kill the Jews!
Kill the Jews!"
And the whole mob followed them in the wrong direction.
And they carry on going and going,
"Where are the Jews?
They're here,
I saw them!"
They kept walking and walking and walking and walking until they were in totally
the wrong area and everything dispersed.
"Where are they?
They got away!
Okay,
never mind.
Okay,
forget it.
A different day."
Okay,
to,
guys,
never mind,
and that's it.
That's how it ended that story.
There was more to the story,
but that incident,
that's how it ended.
So let's say those two Jewish defense warriors,
גיבורים,
no,
actually חכמים,
let's say they would have said,
"We can take them on.
We can take them on.
We're going to stand with the Jews,
and when the Arab mob comes,
we're going to turn against them and fight them," there would have been a
massacre.
Maybe the Jews would have won.
It could be.
It could be.
There would be a lot of life that would have been lost,
and it would have caused a tremendous amount of fear in the hearts of
the Jews.
So even if they would have won,
they would have lost.
But those הגנה fighters They weren't גיבורים.
They were חכמים.
They avoided the battle.
They just avoided it.
The mob was coming this way,
and they just side-stepped it.
And the mob just dispersed.
And the Jews remained intact.
And felt strong.
Hashem is with us,
Hashem is protecting us,
we can do this,
we can take it on.
Our goal of Jews is not to be חכם,
not to be גיבור.
You see how complicated יצר הרע gets you every time?
It's not to be it's not to be a גיבור,
it's to be a חכם.
Your goal isn't to enter the situation which is challenging.
We learned that also from two weeks' פרשה:
ויהי בשלח פרעה את העם ולא נחם אלהים דרך ארץ פלשתים כי קרוב הוא.
So,
the Jewish people are on their way to Israel.
There's the obvious straightforward way:
straight through Gaza.
You'll be in Israel within no time.
That's the obvious way,
just go straight!
But Hashem didn't want to take them that way,
because it was close.
That sounds so counterintuitive.
He didn't want to take them the way that was close?
So why is close bad?
Close is good!
That's the most direct way of going!
Hashem didn't want to take them because it was close,
says רש״י,
כי קרוב הוא ונוח לשוב באותו דרך למצרים,
it would be easy for them at any sign of friction to turn back.
So Hashem took them a long way around,
in order they wouldn't have to face the battle,
but rather they would be in a calm place,
even if it means going further,
in order to remain pure and safe.
So in our lives,
there are choices to be made.
There's a quicker path to walk,
but it means walking through an inappropriate area.
But it's quicker!
That's גופא the reason why to go the long way around.
But it's a longer way around!
I know,
that's why you should go,
because then you won't be tempted to sin.
There's a phone which is more convenient,
when it has everything on,
much more convenient!
It's more convenient!
I know,
and because it's more accessible,
that's why it's more temptation and more likely to sin.
So,
we're suggesting,
חז״ל are teaching us,
that קרוב הוא is a bad thing.
Easily accessible inappropriate material is inappropriate.
And even if your life is more inconvenient,
and it means taking an extra 40 years—I don't know if it needed to
take 40 years for that,
it could have been an extra few days—but even if it means that it's
going to take extra time,
and it's going to be more inconvenient,
but it means that you're going to be pure and remain safe,
even if you won't fail,
but you avoid the battle,
it's worth it.
That's what you're here for.
You're here to avoid the battle,
not to get into the conflict to begin with.
אל תביאני לידי נסיון,
don't bring me to the battle to begin with.
Now let's hear a story of someone who failed in this area.
סנהדרין פרק חלק:
אמר רב יהודה אמר רב לעולם אל יביא אדם עצמו לידי נסיון.
You should never bring yourself to a test.
So just to be very clear,
if Hashem gives you a test,
that's a good thing,
because then Hashem also gives you the strength to overcome it.
He believes in you.
He believes you're going to be stronger as a result of passing the test.
Hashem gave Avraham a test,
He gave Yitzchak a test,
He gave Yaakov a test,
all good things.
They became greater as a result of the test that Hashem gave them.
But Hashem didn't give David a test.
And David was upset about that.
אמר לפניו רבונו של עולם,
David said to Hashem,
מפני מה אומרים אלהי אברהם אלהי יצחק ואלהי יעקב ואין אומרים אלהי דוד?
Why in the שמונה עשרה,
in the prayers that the Jews make,
do they say the God of Avraham,
Yitzchak,
and Yaakov,
and they don't say the God of me?
Hashem,
did I not reach that level?
אמר,
Hashem answered David,
אינהו מינסו לי,
they,
I tested them,
ואת לא מינסת לי,
and you didn't pass a test.
אמר לפניו רבונו של עולם,
if that's what it takes,
בחנני ונסני,
test me!
Test me,
I'm willing to take it.
בחנני ה׳
ונסני,
תהלים פרק כ״ו,
דוד המלך asked for a test.
Hashem said,
it's not a good idea.
It's not a good idea.
You don't want to ask for a test.
If I give you a test,
then I give you the strength.
But if you're bringing the test upon yourself,
it's not going to be good.
אמר,
David says,
I don't care,
I want it.
מינסינא לך—sorry,
Hashem says to David,
if I give you the test,
ועבידנא מילתא,
and I'll even do something for you especially,
דלדידהו לא הודעתנהו,
them I didn't even tell them what the test was,
ואילו אנא,
but I in this case,
מודענא לך,
I'm going to tell you what it's in,
ומנסנא לך בדבר ערוה.
I'll test you in ערוה.
דוד said,
"I want the test."
השם said,
"It's not a good idea."
דוד says,
"I want it."
השם says,
"Okay,
I'll even tell you what it's going to be in,
so you can help yourself and protect yourself."
מיד,
immediately,
ויהי לעת ערב ויקם דוד מעל משכבו,
דוד המלך tried to prevent the test from happening,
and immediately he sinned.
So we don't want השם to test us,
but if He does,
we know it's going to be beneficial for us.
But we never put ourselves in a test,
because we don't have the strength to overcome a test that we put ourselves
in.
So this is the false mindset that people have:
"I'm going to show that I'm strong."
Unfortunately,
many parents have this false mindset,
and they say,
"I'm not putting a filter on my kid's phone.
I would expect my kid to be a man,
to be strong.
He doesn't need a..."
And the kid comes to the parent and says,
this is not one or two,
this is many,
many מעשה שהיה,
many,
that I've spoken to guys who said that,
"In my house there's no filter,
and I told my parents that it's a problem."
And they said,
"No,
be strong.
What is the problem here?
Your father is not bothered by it,
why are you bothered by it?"
And the kid's saying,
"But I'm telling you that I'm bothered by it!
I'm telling you that I'm suffering!
I'm telling you that I'm falling!"
And the parents said,
"Grow up!
Be a man!
Have strength!"
There's almost a dissonance between the parents' belief in the child and the child's
ability.
The child is a good kid,
he's trying to do good.
But he's in a situation in life where the test is too overwhelming.
חז״ל say it's like putting a bag of money around the neck of a
child and putting him in a house of a prostitute.
Do you expect him not to sin?
If a child is at that age where the desire is very strong and
the child doesn't have any way of expressing the desire in a כשר way,
he's not yet married,
and he's got the temptation surrounding him,
he's going to sin!
Now,
that's not a היתר,
but it's the normal and given and assumed life situation.
דוד המלך said,
"I'm going to be strong.
I'll pass the test."
השם says,
"I'm telling you you won't."
דוד says,
"But I will!"
And השם says,
"Okay,
let's see."
And דוד המלך didn't pass the test.
דוד was very embarrassed afterwards.
He turned to השם,
this is on the same page,
and he said,
ונקיתי מפשע רב.
השם,
please,
cleanse me from this bad sin.
What did he mean by that?
לא יכתוב סרחוני.
Don't write it in תנ״ך!
Don't write the story of בת שבע!
Don't write it there,
I'm too embarrassed.
I don't want it to be there.
Please don't write the story.
I fell,
I fell.
I'll do תשובה,
but don't,
you don't need to write about it!
It doesn't need to be public knowledge!
אמר לו אי אפשר.
השם said,
"Impossible.
I have to write it."
Why?
Why did it have to be written?
This is סנהדרין דף ק״ז.
Why did it have to be written?
Because we need to know that even someone on the level of דוד המלך,
even someone as great as him,
with the strength that he had,
even he wasn't able to pass a test.
על אחת כמה וכמה,
we won't be able to.
That's on the one hand.
On the other hand,
דוד המלך,
even though he sinned so terribly,
he didn't allow it to hold him back.
He did תשובה,
he picked himself up,
he was able to come back.
"אי אפשר," said השם.
"I can't not write it,
I have to write it.
It's going to give חיזוק to the people of future generations."
And what's the חיזוק?
What's the message?
שלא יביא אדם עצמו לידי נסיון,
because דוד המלך הביא עצמו לידי נסיון ונכשל!
Don't ever put yourself in a test!
Don't allow yourself ever to be in a situation where there's tests around!
Two more examples,
and then I want to get more practical.
One example is from נזיר.
פרשת נשא,
it puts the פרשה of נזיר and סוטה together.
And חז״ל say,
למה נסמכה פרשת נזיר לפרשת סוטה?
לומר לך שכל הרואה סוטה בקלקולה יזיר עצמו מן היין שהוא מביא לידי ניאוף.
Someone saw a סוטה.
Now what did he see when he saw a סוטה?
He didn't see her sinning.
He didn't see the act of עריות.
He saw her being punished!
He saw someone who had sinned,
maybe,
we'll figure that out in a minute,
but she had sinned,
but she's being punished,
so it's a bad thing!
And you clearly see the consequence!
So why would he therefore sin because of that?
On the contrary,
that would stop him!
I would say,
bring all the בחורי ישיבה to a case of a סוטה,
not just to learn הלכה למעשה,
but so they'll see like what a terrible thing that is,
and then they'll know never to do it!
But חז״ל say,
no!
No,
it's going to lead them to sin afterwards!
מביא לידי ניאוף.
Why?
Why?
It happens.
It happens.
These things happen.
This is a normal thing.
היא לא מפלצת.
She's not some monster.
She's a normal person.
Maybe you even know her.
She's a normal person,
and she did this thing,
these things happen.
It becomes more acceptable.
It becomes normal.
If that can happen,
then it's a normal thing,
maybe I could do it,
too.
Once you lose the fact,
the distance factor,
that it's something unknown and far-fetched and impossible,
it becomes part of the reality,
you're more likely and more open to sin.
Become a נזיר.
And what do we say to the נזיר?
אסור לנזיר לעמוד במושב שותי יין,
יתרחק ממנו הרבה,
שהרי מכשול לפניו.
אמרו חכמים:
סביב לכרם לא יקרב.
There's a special דין,
דווקא by a נזיר,
to not only not drink wine,
but to distance himself from wine.
So it starts off by seeing a סוטה,
then he's more open to the concept of sin,
then he needs to distance himself from the world,
and distance from the distancing!
Not just not drink wine,
but move far away!
אל תביאני לידי נסיון.
Hold far back,
don't even come close!
Don't allow yourself ever to be in a situation at all.
And the final source that I wanted to bring was
from here.
Also סנהדרין דף ק׳,
in in פרק חלק ק״ו,
the sin of בעל פעור.
How did the sin of בעל פעור happen?
What happened?
Initially,
the men went down to the marketplace,
they started haggling about a price.
There was a girl there who was attractive.
She brought him in,
and the גמרא,
and she offered him wine.
So,
חז״ל were bothered by something:
How did this even happen?
What do you mean she offered him wine?
Wine is forbidden.
And we're talking about a state where he hadn't sinned yet.
So what do you mean that he sinned?
Surely there's a prohibition of יין עכו״ם,
and therefore he wouldn't have drunk the wine.
So says the גמרא in סנהדרין:
עדיין לא נאסר יין של נכרים.
At that point,
wine of a non-Jew hadn't yet been forbidden.
So look what it's saying here in the גמרא.
Look at this:
חז״ל made a גדר.
They said,
"Don't drink wine of גוים,
because when you do,
then you're drinking wine with non-Jews,
then you're likely to get drunk,
you're likely to sin."
That's exactly what happened over there with the בנות מואב.
They drank the wine with the girl,
כיון ששתה בער בו,
he was filled with desire,
and he sinned.
But if he would have put a גדר,
if he would have put a fence around himself,
which the rabbis then learned that you need to,
the whole sin of בעל פעור wouldn't have happened.
Thousands of people would have been saved!
But there wasn't that גדר.
So you see from here:
Don't come to the sin.
Some גדרים חז״ל already made for you.
Some גדרים you have to make for yourself.
חז״ל already made for you יחוד,
the prohibition of putting yourself in a situation where you may sin.
In the שולחן ערוך,
there are many הלכות:
You're not allowed to lie when you sleep on your front or on your
back,
cuz that can cause זרע לבטלה,
rather one has to halachically lie on their side.
In you in אבן העזר,
there are הלכות about how to relate to a woman:
You're not allowed to wink,
you're not allowed to joke,
you're not allowed to gaze at for pleasure,
you're not allowed to smell her perfume,
you're not allowed to look at her clothing,
you're not allowed to walk behind her within ד׳
אמות.
חז״ל say even one's own wife,
you shouldn't walk behind ד׳
אמות.
What do you do?
You walk next to her.
You walk alongside her.
If it's not your wife,
you make sure you go in front of her,
or you fall behind,
that she's way way ahead that you can't even see her figure walking anymore.
You're not allowed to listen to her voice.
You can't look at her hair.
You're not even allowed to send greetings in an intimate way.
So you're allowed to say,
"How you doing?"
That's okay,
that's like a normal,
but you can't say,
"Hi!
How are you doing?"
which is the same words,
but the tone is one of intimacy.
Now,
some of these are הלכה,
דאורייתא.
Most of these are דרבנןs,
that חז״ל added a fence around.
Those are the ones written explicitly in the הלכה.
You have to make up more when you know yourself.
אל תביאני לידי נסיון.
If we would have had the prohibition of יין נסך,
we would have saved the sin of בעל פעור.
If people would keep the laws of יחוד and all the laws that we
just read there of אבן העזר סימן כ״א,
צריך להתרחק מנשים מאד מאד,
extra מאד because he's aware about how great the desire is.
If people would keep the הלכות and they would put that boundary around themselves,
they wouldn't come close to sin.
Don't enter the sin.
Even if you pass the test,
you failed.
אדם entered the test,
and he passed,
but he failed.
He failed himself.
דוד המלך asked for a test,
and he failed.
יוסף didn't enter the test.
He could have turned around for a second,
he said,
"No.
I'd rather incriminate myself,
let her have the garment,
it's not" worth it.
He turned away.
There's a story of the הגר"א.
The הגר"א,
he was very inclusive.
He would sit in his room by himself.
He had his close circle of תלמידים who he would learn with,
but he wasn't going out.
The מגיד of דובנא was one of his תלמידים,
and he asked the מגיד of דובנא to give him מוסר,
to give him תוכחה.
So the מגיד of דובנא said,
"I can't do that.
The הגר"א,
קדוש קדושים,
I can't do that."
Said,
"No,
no,
I want you to."
Said,
"No,
רבי,
רבי,
I can't.
I can't accept it.
I can't give מוסר.
I can't."
So the הגר"א says,
"I command you to give me מוסר!"
"Command me?
Okay,
I'll do it."
So he thought for a second and then he said,
"רבי,
what's the קונץ of being such a צדיק when you're locked up in your
ד' אמות of your בית מדרש?
Let's see you go outside to the שוק.
Let's see you go outside and walk in the street,
and let's see if you remain such a צדיק!"
So the הגר"א said to him,
"That was your תוכחה?
What's the קונץ?
Who's looking for קונצים?
A Jew is not supposed to put himself in a test!
You're not supposed to be walking around in the marketplace for no reason and
just to put yourself in a test!
That's not תוכחה!"
You shouldn't be walking around in places where there's inappropriate things.
If you need to go,
you need to go.
If you need to go,
there's no other way to go,
then you need to go.
But you shouldn't go there if you don't need to.
Anyone who wants to can double-check this,
but I remember מעשה שהיה,
רב Saraf was a מסדר קידושין.
Two עדים were chosen.
He asked the עד,
he said,
"You have a phone?"
He said,
"Yes."
"It's a smartphone?"
"Yes."
"You have a filter?"
He said,
"No.
But I don't look at anything inappropriate."
"It's okay,
we'll find another עד."
"רבי,
I don't look at anything inappropriate."
Said,
said,
"גם מי שלא מסתכל במה שלא צנוע הוא גם נחשב רשע והוא פסול לעדות."
I asked him afterwards,
"רבי,
that's הלכה?
Like הלכה הלכה?"
So he said,
"למיחש מיבעי.
You have to be concerned.
You have to be concerned."
You can double-check that story,
you can ask him.
He's right here,
ברוך השם.
It's not a story of צדיקים of a previous generation.
He's right here,
you'll see him at מעריב.
You can ask him that story.
But that's a story of someone who didn't look at anything inappropriate,
but חז"ל called him a רשע.
So I want to finish off with something practical.
We spoke earlier about the idea of a trigger,
and I think this is probably the most important practical takeaway that we could
have.
Anyone who falls,
everyone falls,
anyone who,
when falling,
they identify that there's a trigger that usually comes which causes them to fall,
if they become aware of that trigger,
they can avoid the battle.
Our whole talk today was about avoiding the battle.
It was to be wise and not to be getting into the battle and
be a big גיבור.
It's not,
אל תביאנו לידי נסיון.
So,
okay,
so how do I do that?
So we spoke about all the הלכות that are written in אבן העזר of
not talking to women in a way which is affectionate,
and we spoke about that.
We spoke about keeping ייחוד,
we spoke about that.
We spoke about not having inappropriate access,
we spoke about that.
All very good.
But what about like,
I'm I'm struggling,
so what do I do?
So most people don't sin from nothing.
They sin because there was a trigger of sorts.
And there are two types of triggers:
there's an emotional trigger,
on the one hand,
and there's a situational trigger,
on the other hand.
And if you become aware of your trigger,
then you can avoid this trigger to begin with,
and you won't get to the situation.
I'm not saying it's a lost cause when the trigger's already happened.
It could be that even if the trigger happened,
you could still stop yourself then,
but you're already in the test!
You're already in the battle.
It's already hard.
But if you identify the trigger before the battle begins,
and you're able to circumvent it,
like the כוחות ההגנה did in צפת,
and just lead it the other way,
lead the battle away,
so you don't have to confront it directly,
then you've won the battle.
You're a חכם.
You've won the battle.
So I want to talk about what those triggers are.
And if you identify that you have any of these particular triggers,
then just identifying it is half the problem solved,
because you know,
okay,
I'm in this situation now.
This is not good.
If I stay like this,
it's going to it's going to be problematic.
I'm going to speak to רב Davidson afterwards,
I don't want to do that.
So I need to know how to get out of this situation to begin
with.
So let's notice what the trigger is.
So,
emotional triggers:
If someone has anxiety,
and they know that for them,
not everyone who has anxiety,
it leads to sin,
but there's some Some people that they know when they feel anxious,
they know that that feeling of being anxious,
it often happens that because they're feeling anxious,
when they're in that state,
they sin.
Someone else is irritable,
upset,
frustrated.
And they know that when they get like that,
when it comes to the evening,
and they go to bed,
and they're still in that state,
they sin,
because that emotional state is a trigger for them,
that they're looking for something to relieve themselves,
calm themselves,
that's why they go and sin then.
For some people,
it's being lonely.
When they feel lonely,
and they feel all alone,
and they feel there's no one with them,
that becomes an emotional trigger.
That because they feel all by themselves,
and no one cares about them,
and no one's with them,
then in that state,
they know that's their trigger,
when they feel that,
they usually sin.
For other people,
it may be being sad,
feeling depressed,
feeling non-productive.
That state of feeling down,
that when they're in that emotional state of feeling down,
then that often leads to that.
And for some people,
it might be shame.
And shame is that horrible cycle where they do a sin,
they feel ashamed of themselves,
and then because they feel ashamed of themselves,
then they need something to make them feel good again,
and then they sin again.
So those are examples of emotional triggers.
So if you know from past history that whenever or many times when you're
depressed,
anxious,
guilty,
irritable,
lonely,
or other ones,
that you know that's often a trigger,
that that state often leads to,
so you're in a danger zone right now.
You're in a danger zone.
להבדיל,
but it's like someone who's speaking about suicide and he's talking about it seriously,
he can't be left alone.
You can't leave that person in that state by himself.
Until he's got out of that state,
and his emotional state has changed,
he can't be by himself.
A person who knows that when he's in one of these emotional states,
and then when he goes to his room at night,
or even sometimes midday,
he often sins,
and he knows that that happens to him,
so he's in a danger zone.
He has to get out of it first.
He can't allow himself to go be by himself in that state.
So whatever it takes to get out of it:
phone home.
You don't have to talk about this topic.
You could just phone home and chat with your parents.
Many of these topics,
just by speaking to parents or a sibling,
or a good friend,
it will help you.
If you're feeling lonely,
phone home.
You're feeling sad,
phone home.
You're feeling embarrassed about something,
or ashamed about something,
phone home and just talk about good things and get good feedback.
Your parents will say to you,
"Oh,
why are you phoning in the middle of סדר?
Like,
what's going on?"
You say,
"I just missed you.
I wanted to call."
"Really?
You're such a מתמיד all the time.
Suddenly that happened?"
It's a little bit embarrassing,
but it's worth it.
"I know.
I just felt homesick."
They say,
"Okay."
So you say,
"So what's going on at home?
What what what's everyone doing?"
And they're like,
"Really?"
You're like,
"Yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
I want to hear."
And then you start like schmoozing with your parents,
and you schmooze for 10-15 minutes,
and they're like,
"Okay.
Are you are you sure you're okay?
You like never call in the middle of סדר."
"I know.
I know,
but I just felt a bit homesick.
I wanted to call."
It's a little bit embarrassing,
but it's going to save you from גיהנום.
It's well worth it.
So you schmooze with your parents,
or family,
close members of the family for a few minutes.
You could phone your grandma.
She won't ask why you're calling in the middle of סדר,
that'll be fine.
Call someone who's just interesting to speak to.
And then once you're out of the trigger,
and the emotional situation has passed,
then,
okay,
you're back to normal.
It could be it will come again.
It could be.
But you've done your part.
You've done your part to leave the situation.
Going for a jog,
doing exercise is an amazing way of exiting most of these states.
Most of these states,
when you go for a jog,
your metabolism's working,
you're energetic,
you're being productive.
We spoke about before,
it's it's boredom that leads to זימה,
so it's being productive and being proactive that eradicates that.
So the example what we gave number one is emotional triggers,
when you notice you're in a state which in the past that state has
led to sinning,
acting out,
first get out of the state.
Don't be by yourself in a way where you could sin from that state.
That's point number one.
And the last point is a situational trigger.
There are some people,
and most people,
have certain things or times which that causes it.
So,
for example,
there could be a particular person who that person triggers it for you.
That person,
when you meet that person,
or you think about that person,
that triggers it,
and it's hard to get out of it.
And when you just encountered that person,
then you're in a state.
It it didn't happen for no reason.
It happened because you encountered them.
But now that you've encountered them,
it's set you off.
A little bit like that boy in the story,
the תלמיד and the רבי,
who the the the רבי had put the girl down a half an hour
ago,
but the boy was still carrying her.
So an encounter like that,
for some people,
is a situational trigger.
He's in that state now.
Being in that state,
he's emotionally driven,
he has filled with desire.
If he's going to be by himself now or allow himself to continue in
that state,
he's going to get in trouble.
So notice that situation.
It could be a time of the week,
for example,
שבת afternoon,
for some people,
is a very productive time.
There are many,
especially in the summer,
there are many לימודים that you don't get a chance to do often.
And שבת afternoon is long,
it's a lot of time.
And some people,
that long time where there's nothing to do,
there's really nothing to do,
and a person's home,
and they finished the meal,
and they just had a good portion of טשאלנט,
so they're feeling like quite satiated,
and a little bit tired and drowsy.
And then they go back to their room,
and there's nothing happening until like learning and שלוש סעודות,
like three hours later.
So there's a good period of time there where they're not doing anything.
And it doesn't have to be this way,
but for this person,
that's a situation which often causes him to sin.
He's very satiated from the meal,
he's very tired,
he's by himself,
nothing else going on,
and he knows:
danger zone,
שבת afternoon when I'm by myself at home.
He knows that.
So for him,
it's forbidden to stay at home.
Don't be a גיבור and say,
"No,
this time it's going to be different."
It's probably not going to be different!
If it wasn't different the last few weeks,
and maybe the last few years,
it's unlikely to be different going forward.
So if you know there's a particular situation,
when you're in a particular place or a particular time,
that that in the past has been a trigger,
if you know there's a particular person that you speak to,
that when you speak to them,
that's often a trigger,
if you know that there's a particular device that you have,
that just having that device,
that often leads to thoughts or looking at things,
and that's often a trigger,
if there's any situation which you're ever in,
which you know that usually leads to,
then you have to avoid that situation.
Because you know that's a danger zone.
That's a button which if it's pressed,
you don't know where it's going to end up.
It's a danger area.
So by noting the emotional triggers,
and then when you're in that situation,
making sure you get out of it,
or by noting the situation trigger,
and not allowing yourself to be in that situation to begin with,
then you remain So in שבת afternoon,
you just won't go back to your room.
You'll go to be with friends,
you'll go for a walk outside.
You'll always be active and productive and with people.
So the goal of this talk was in order to ensure that a person
is aware to get productive,
involved in good things,
and not allow himself to get into a situation where he's in danger.
Never think that I'll be strong.
Don't try and be strong,
be wise.
That was the פסוק that we started with,
and we're going to end with.
Our goal is to develop a mindset where I'm a צדיק and I'm pure,
I'm not entering the situation to begin with.
ואמרתי אני,
said שלמה המלך,
טובה חכמה מגבורה.
And the way the פסוק continues,
and it says,
טובה חכמה מכלי קרב.
It's better to be wise than to have weapons.
בעזרת השם,
next week and the week after,
we're going to learn about weapons.
We're going to learn about when someone is already in the situation and they're
already falling,
and they're trying to push it off,
what to do,
then we'll learn כלי קרב.
We'll learn weapons that will help a person remain strong even when they're in
the test.
But טובה חכמה מכלי קרב.
A real wise person is a person who doesn't get into the situation that
you have to be super clever to know how to get out of.
He doesn't go in to begin with.
טובה חכמה מגבורה.