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Have you ever looked at a situation you’re facing in utter disbelief and thought, "How will I ever get over this?" Lysa TerKeurst understands. After years of heartbreak and emotional trauma, she realized it’s not about just getting over hard circumstances but learning how to work through what she has walked through. Now, she wants to help you do the same. That’s why Lysa teamed up with her personal, licensed professional counselor, Jim Cress, alongside the Director of Theological Research at Proverbs 31 Ministries, Dr. Joel Muddamalle, to bring you "Therapy & Theology." While Lysa, Jim and Joel do tackle some really hard topics, you’ll soon find they're just three friends having a great conversation and learning from each other along the way.
Jim Cress:
Hi, this is Jim Cress. And I'm a licensed professional counselor and excited to spend just a little bit of time with you today. And we're going to do this for the next several weeks in this Bible study. I want to take a look at some issues around boundaries. We have some key questions here that I think some of you may be asking. It's almost like you were in a counseling session with just you and me. And a lot of times people will do that. They'll say, "I have a question. I don't know how to do this particular situation." Well, what would that first counseling session possibly look like? First of all, Brené Brown puts it this way: You either walk inside your story, so I’ve got to get your story out a little bit, even if at 30,000 feet, or you'll spend your life walking outside your story and do what? Hustle for your worthiness.
So when I hear some of your story, I've said often that if things in life are hysterical, that means you just kind of jazzed up a little bit about something, maybe about boundaries. If it's hysterical, it's historical. So I want to find out a little bit about your family of origin. Did you grow up in a family with very loose boundaries or very rigid boundaries? Some people say there were no boundaries at all, or I couldn't do anything because the boundaries were so strict. So I'm going to listen to you, to key points of your story, keywords you might say. And then hopefully, as Proverbs 20:5 says, the purposes in a person's heart and why we do what we do or don't do what we should do maybe, they're deep waters, so a person of understanding comes alongside of you and draws all of these purposes out.
And that's kind of hypothetical a little bit to say maybe this is what's going on for you. Maybe this is the origin or the history of your lack of boundaries. So you might be struggling with boundaries in your own life. I reckon you are at some level. You wouldn't be getting a copy of the book or going through this Online Bible Study. We're going to walk through this with Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, in this specific Online Bible Study, and see if we can be helpful and hopeful for you. And there's not a person out here — you, me — that doesn't have the need to have boundaries. The Lord Jesus Christ, our great example, He was the most boundaried person ever. Do you ever think about that? There are times ... the miracle at Cana. “We're out of wine here. What are we going to do?”
And He said, "Woman ... my hour has not yet come" (John 2:4, ESV). At one point, He even says, "What does this have to do with me?" People [who] had plans for Him said, "You need to do this," or "You don't need to do that." At one point, of course, He said to Peter: My mission is I got to go to the cross. And Peter said: You don't need to go do that. Jesus said, "Get behind me, Satan." (Matthew 16:23, ESV). So there are many things that you could look in the life of Jesus that's the tip of the iceberg, that He had clear boundaries. And He wasn't out there just to put a boundary up to push people away or be mean. Boundaries, you see, are self-care. They're really to keep you safe and healthy. Even love your neighbor just like you love yourself so that appropriate self-love first is to take good care of yourself.
And may I say it this way? To give yourself permission to have good boundaries because maybe up to this very point of view watching this, you've not had the permission to have boundaries. Well, you do now. And you’ve got to give yourself permission to [do] that. God's Word gives you permission to do that.
Boundaries — they're not a walk in the park. And in spending just a few minutes with you every week, I want to help you in your personal boundaries. Find out a little bit about what boundaries are, what they're not, and to offer some hope that something good is on the other side of the hard work we're going to be doing, including the hard work you'll be doing in real-life relationships. But before we begin, don't forget about your Boundaries journal. You received that when signing up for this study. And it's going to be a great resource for you to take notes as we meet each week.
So you're ready for our first session, if you will, together. Let's get started. Well, for today's session, we're going to scratch just the surface on boundaries. We're not going to go that deep into it. How do you know if you struggle with this? What are some of the warning signs that a lack of boundaries is present in your own life — what I call often “low to no boundaries”? As you're going to see, boundaries — those healthy boundaries we all need — they're going to help us avoid extremes and live closer to the kind of love that God intended for all relationships. Imagine this being a dashboard of your life when it comes to boundaries. Here's some things to look at. Stress, by the way, in your life and relationships, is when your gut or your mind says no, but your mouth says yes.
Or your gut or your mind says stop, but your mouth says go. You're really offending your own self there and violating your own boundaries. Also, do you find yourself free to speak the truth? Yes, speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Are you editing yourself? Are you walking on eggshells like, Dude, better not say that to this person. They can’t handle the truth. That's often a warning sign that you're not free to speak your own truth. Quite simply, do you have just a sense of a lack of peace? You have the presence of relational anxiety when all you really want to do ... maybe you're by yourself or in your car and you're thinking, This is my truth. I want to say it in a way that is not harmful, that would be helpful, but I'm afraid that person won't listen to me.
Maybe you think of the scripture I've thought of often, "Don't cast your pearls before swine" (Matthew 7:6, VOICE). Something very important and precious and you set it out before a person, and they're just not going to listen. Or the Bible says it, not me, that don't answer a fool according to their folly (Proverbs 26:4). You say, "Jim, it's almost worthless to say this to this person. They're not going to hear me." And yet, sometimes we go to a person we know, a person who’s not going to hear us or do good things with us, and we almost in a people pleasing, what we know as codependency way, a people pleasing way, try to get them to accept our truth and our reality. I tell people often, "Put the pen down. If this is your reality, check it out with a good friend or pastor or counselor, but you don't need another person in your life to cosign your boundaries."
You see, boundaries are unilateral. They're not bilateral. You can have boundaries, and it might mean the loss of a relationship, and we'll talk about grief a little bit later in this series. Remember this too — and I don't say this in a judgmental way — it's just true that a manipulating and controlling person, an unhealthy person, they've never met a boundary they like. What you're doing, you see, and you'll know this, you'll feel this, you're changing the contract going forward. Reading this book, doing this Bible study, you're changing the contract going forward, letting your yes be yes and your no be no. It takes time and patience and a lot of work. And I'm with you and Lysa's with you through this entire journey. And I hope you'll trust the process and ride along.