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Make an effort to understand where your mentee is, make it apparent that you believe they can grow beyond that, and make every effort to enter in and do the work together to get there.
Show Notes
Make an effort to understand where your mentee is, make it apparent that you believe they can grow beyond that, and make every effort to enter in and do the work together to get there.
youcanmentor.com
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles
Speaker 2:and give
Speaker 1:you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 3:What's up mentor and mentoring leaders? I want to share with you guys some exciting information we got. You Can Mentor has released a book. It's entitled You Can Mentor, How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses. The purpose behind this book is to train up more mentors and more mentoring leaders to effectively disciple the next generation through mentoring.
Speaker 3:If you will, please go purchase a book on our website. You can find it on Amazon. If you go to Amazon, leave a 5 star review. That helps us out a ton. If you're a mentoring organization and you want multiple copies, holler at us and we will give you guys a deal.
Speaker 3:You can find out more information on the You Can Mentor website. Go pick up that book. You can mentor.
Speaker 4:Mentors, today, we are closing out our conversation on setting expectations that lead to life in your mentoring relationship. Today's episode is talking about making expectations that require a little bit of reaching and are centered in relationship. If this short series encouraged you, we'd love to hear about it. Leave a review, rate this podcast, and send it to someone who needs to hear it. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 4:You can mentor. Welcome back, listeners. We're here on You Can Mentor. I'm Beth Winter, and I'm here with my co host, Stephen Murray.
Speaker 5:What's up, guys?
Speaker 4:So weird. You're wearing the exact same outfit you wore last week.
Speaker 5:They can't see. They don't know.
Speaker 2:Do
Speaker 4:you, like, plan them? This is what I wear Mondays. This is what I wear Tuesdays.
Speaker 5:I I used to when Zach gave me a bunch of polos, but I've kind of I've drifted from polos a little bit.
Speaker 4:Yeah. You've been on some button ups. I've seen some bow ties come into the office.
Speaker 5:Well, speaking of expectations, there there have been many expectations of the things that I wear at this organization that I did not expect. So, like, new new balance, you've heard of it?
Speaker 4:Yeah. The shoe?
Speaker 5:Yes. But, like, there's a trendy J. Crew version of New Balance, and then there's, like, a hip, like, dad version of New Balance. Yeah. One is, like, very true tone, one color
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And the other is, like, a bunch of different grays, blacks, and blues. And you're like, I don't know what you're doing here. Mhmm. And I'm wearing the one color ones that that look clean, but I'm being told that those are those are not approved.
Speaker 2:And Well, let me ask let me
Speaker 4:ask you this, Steven. Would you mow your lawn in those shoes? No. Alright. I guess you passed the test.
Speaker 5:Is that is that the test?
Speaker 4:Well, you wouldn't mow your lawn in dress shoes.
Speaker 5:No. Yeah. That I guess that is a good test. But, also, that's pretty that's a pretty low bar to say that I just wouldn't mow the lawn with them.
Speaker 4:Okay. What's a better question?
Speaker 5:I'm just saying if it's on a cover of a J Crew magazine, is it
Speaker 4:Was the person in the J Crew magazine in an office?
Speaker 5:No. He was on a a generic street walking.
Speaker 4:So he so it's streetwear?
Speaker 5:Yes. But he was being seen. It's not like he was he he was out in public, which I would say that that's that's probably the the onus is, like, would you be seen in public with this on?
Speaker 4:I'm probably the worst person to ask this because I will go out in public straight out of out of bed, like, wearing my pajamas, basically. Because no shame in my game. Would I come into the office like that, though? No. I would not.
Speaker 5:Okay.
Speaker 4:Is it because of peer pressure? Maybe.
Speaker 5:See, this this is great for us to to recognize the expectations of the rooms that we we come into and the organizations we serve and also the mentees we meet with. So this is why we're having this conversation. Isn't it? Yeah. But we're not talking about shoes, are we?
Speaker 4:We're not talking about shoes. I guess we could. We talked about hats last week. This week, I guess it's shoes.
Speaker 5:Hats, sex, and behavior. Mhmm.
Speaker 4:In the White House.
Speaker 5:In the White House. Yep. Is that the name of the episode?
Speaker 4:Yeah. Sure. That sounds great. H s s w h.
Speaker 5:Boom. So what are we talking about today?
Speaker 4:Today, we are going to talk about the next part of our expectations. So we're gonna talk about reaching expectations. What are some reaching expectations? Which means what are the things that goals. Yeah.
Speaker 4:What do we want our mentees to have to stand on their tiptoes to reach? And it's a little bit above where they're at, but it's not so far up that they are just continually discouraged of, like, I'm never gonna get there. And then relational. So what are the things that we need to consider in that this is a relationship, and everything we do with our mentee should come from a relational perspective, including expectations.
Speaker 5:This is really good. I'm gonna come out of the bat with philosophical question.
Speaker 4:Alright. Let me take a sip of coffee. I'm actually out of coffee, so I'll just mentally prepare.
Speaker 5:So most people expectations their
Speaker 2:their expectation is a standard. So Yeah.
Speaker 5:Let's say 10 Commandments, thou standard. So Yeah. Let's say 10 commandments, thou shalt not steal. Mhmm. That is the expectation.
Speaker 2:Don't
Speaker 5:steal. Yeah. There's really nothing
Speaker 4:beyond that.
Speaker 5:It's just you either stole or you didn't. Yeah. Is that the right way to say it? You've just you either stole or you didn't. Yeah.
Speaker 5:Is that the right way to say it? You've either stolen something or you haven't.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:So you're saying a reaching goal is, like, I may have thought about stealing something, and I picked it up. But, like, I took it, but I feel bad about it. It or, like, what's a reaching goal within that? Because that's the end.
Speaker 2:Like,
Speaker 5:that's the expectation. Is there a reaching goal for stealing, or is it does this not apply?
Speaker 2:Well, I
Speaker 4:mean, I feel like you could create one within that. Like, I feel like that is a pretty black and white right and wrong thing. But for instance, I had a huge problem with stealing when I was a kid, actually. And so, like, a reaching goal, I think, for me, was just developing a conscience about that, and kind of a reaching goal was learning how to consider others. And last week, we've last week, we talked about kids being egocentric and not realizing how their actions impact other people.
Speaker 4:And so I think the reaching goal is set the expectation of what this is right, this is wrong. But within that, you have to understand that a kid is not gonna get it right every time. But while you're having a conversation of, hey. Like, we did not reach the expectation here. It's not giving up on that kid and thinking, oh, they're just never gonna get this, or they're too young to be able to do this.
Speaker 2:It is always setting the the standard of, like, this is who I expect you to be.
Speaker 4:This is who setting the the standard of, like, this is who I expect you to be. This is who you are trying to grow into.
Speaker 2:This is the kind of man or
Speaker 4:woman that you have been called to be in, and it's just helping support them in getting there and kind of resetting, helping them reset when they mess up to do better next time. Does that make sense?
Speaker 5:Yeah. That's good. And so I guess what's in my head is that a reaching goal would be learning how to share Mhmm. And be generous.
Speaker 4:Learn how to ask for things, learn how to be
Speaker 2:patient. And That's why
Speaker 4:I stole was I was so impatient. I wanted something right then. I didn't wanna have to save up for it or wait for it when my mom or dad decided it was okay for me to have it. I wanted it right then, and I wasn't gonna wait for it. So
Speaker 5:But it it's easy to just say don't steal, but it's another thing to develop all of the skills and characteristics of
Speaker 2:people
Speaker 5:who don't steal things.
Speaker 4:Right. Yes.
Speaker 5:Yes. And a lot of that is just assumed, like, well, don't do it because it's wrong.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. But
Speaker 5:it's more of how do we show them the why behind all of those things. And maybe work ethic and understanding yeah. I I just think that's this is important to in in the process of setting reaching goals, you are setting a foundation for those end goals that
Speaker 2:you're
Speaker 5:looking for, but you're giving them steps Yeah. To to grow in. Yeah. I I think of it I used to run with this Mormon guy, and he
Speaker 4:Like, physical like, go on runs or, like, you you hung out with him?
Speaker 5:See, I was kicking it with my homies. No. I I literally ran with him. And I I he was so much better than me at running, and I would get so tired. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And
Speaker 5:he just he encouraged me. He said, stop thinking about how far we have to go and just think about to the next light pole.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And so he just focused my mind
Speaker 2:on running
Speaker 5:to the next pole, running to the next pole, running to the next pole. And and so you're constantly setting a finish line. So you feel encouraged and you're like, okay, I made it. I can make it to the next one. I can make it to the next one.
Speaker 5:And now some people might view that as, like, I'm blurring the lines of success.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And it's great to have the end goal in mind. But if you don't have milestones that you can point to and see that you're accomplishing, I think it's a lot harder to stick to it and persevere
Speaker 2:to the end.
Speaker 4:Yeah. That was something I actually talked about with a mentor of mine yesterday. We were just talking about pre assessments and post assessments and that so much of our society there's there are some measurements you could take at the beginning of a journey you're taking, whether it's, like, weight loss or learning social emotional skills or whatever it is. You take this pre assessment, and then you take a post assessment. But there's not a lot of indicators on the actual journey of little moments that are motivational to help you get to that end goal, to that post assessment phase.
Speaker 4:And so and that's just really not how our brains are wired. And so we kind of have to figure out what are some things I can add in in that journey, in that middle ground to motivate myself or if you're a mentor motivating a mentee, even you just staying encouraged with your mentee of seeing, okay, the end goal I want for him might be to graduate college, or it might be for him to become a man of God who's a great husband and father and leader. But what are some little things that are indicators along the way that show me show him you're doing it? Like, you are on the journey. And those we have to create ourselves.
Speaker 4:We have to look for those ourselves. There's not necessarily a a system that we can just check things off, print it out off the Internet. Easy as that. We gotta look for it ourselves.
Speaker 5:Yep. So does does Jesus set reaching expectations?
Speaker 4:Totally. I mean, I I see there's so much, I think, in the bible that feels contradictory at times because there will be like this you know, I think the first one I think of is I think it's in Matthew 5 talking about be perfect as your father is perfect. And it's like, I remember when I really started trying to turn away from the sin that I was living in and really chasing after Jesus, I read that verse, and I was just filled with so much shame and guilt. And I was like, what am I doing wrong? Like, I want to live for Jesus, and I still can't do it even though I genuinely want that.
Speaker 4:But as I had mentors in my life step in and just teach me what it really looked like to for that to be a journey to reach that and that it wasn't an expectation God had of me right then to be perfect, that's when I started seeing exponential growth because there was just so much more freedom to, like you were saying, get to that next light pole of my running the race with Jesus versus thinking I had to cross the finish line right when I started the race, which just doesn't make sense.
Speaker 5:That's awesome. And it'd be it'd be hard to say that Jesus didn't have expectations of his disciples.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:But it would also be hard to say that he didn't long to empower, encourage, and set them up for success. Yeah. And, I mean, even in the great commission, he's saying, like, hey. Go make disciples of all nations. No biggie.
Speaker 5:But then he also says, I will be with you. And he also says that all authority in heaven and on earth, like, is his. And so in a way, his encouragement is calling them into a challenge, but also reassuring them that they can do it and giving them the confidence to to run run the race. And I I honestly don't think it would be setting us up for success if we didn't have high expectations. And I'm sure all of the unrealistic expectations come from that motivation of, well, I'm setting high expectations because I don't want you to lose out on the opportunity to grow.
Speaker 5:Would would that be fair to say?
Speaker 4:Are you saying some of our some of our unfair expectations are coming from a good heart of, like, I I want this for you.
Speaker 5:The intention is pure.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I think, you know, in our after school program at forerunner mentoring, we have our boys say this manhood declaration every day. It's pretty long, and it's amazing that they have it memorized.
Speaker 4:But there are some things in there that if you look at it, it is a far reach, like, a far reach for them at that point in their life. And so, for instance, I just said it earlier.
Speaker 5:Honor women with my words and actions.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Well, that might seem far away for some kids when they start out in our program, but I think that there are reaching goals you can set to get to that place where that is a true thing for you. So a reaching goal would be it would look like a mentor if they hear a kid being disrespectful to a woman sitting down and and explaining to them why that that woman deserved an apology or even a smaller one teaching a boy a habit of holding the door open for a woman or something just very simple like that. Little tiny milestones that you can show a kid the path to get to that end goal.
Speaker 5:It's awesome. So talk to us about what happens when we don't set reaching goals, when we don't have great expectations, when we allow the unrealisticity that is not a word, when we don't we choose to not set unfair expectations, but we don't set expectations that put them on their tippy toes to reach for. Yeah. I like that that image Yeah. We put in our heads.
Speaker 4:I think that this happens a lot from a good heart in mentoring relationships because I think when you hear the background maybe of your kid and he's just gone through some hard things or she's experienced just things that you're you're looking at them and you're like, honestly, they are just doing the best they can. And that is a good heart to have, but I think that it is it needs to be paired with believing for them for their future. And so I think it can be we can unintentionally inhibit the success of our mentee if we are so stuck looking at their past and just assuming that what we're seeing right in front of us is honestly the best that they can offer. And then we wanna be empathetic to that. That's great.
Speaker 4:But I think we also have to be looking forward into their future and seeing and believing and empowering them to grow beyond what they have gone through because I think it's just like you can't underestimate the power that your voice and your opinion has in this kid's life. And if they hear from you, you're doing the best you can. Don't expect more from yourself. Like, just keep coasting, then that's what they're gonna take home and believe. But if they hear from you, I am proud of you for who you are today, and I believe that even though this is a struggle for you today, I believe that even though you have gone through this hard stuff, that is just gonna be something that makes you even more resilient, even more kind, even more capable of doing hard things.
Speaker 4:I believe even greater things for you are coming, then that's what they're gonna take home at the end of the night. And so I think both can come out of I think the first one, it comes out of a good heart, but I think it limits our mentee to achieve the potential that we want for them.
Speaker 5:Yeah. What's that? I mean, fulfilling their potential. I can't think of someone other than a kid from a hard place who has more potential untapped
Speaker 4:potential. Yeah.
Speaker 5:And does not recognize it unless you're the one making them aware.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 5:And then, yeah, I I'd say that even having unrealistic expectations of a child may just be related to your own experience, not your view of their potential Yeah. Of what they're capable of. But I do think that if you're thinking in that lens, it helps you correct with compassion rather than just criticism and being a a rule follower. Yeah. It's like you you realize how it's affecting their and it gives you compassion.
Speaker 5:It's like they are sheep without a shepherd. Yeah. That influences the way that that you're gonna respond.
Speaker 4:Yeah. It really that empathy is so key to understand the trauma and the the things blocking their path, but it also I just want more for them. And if we don't want more for them, who will? Like, I know their moms want more for them, but I think so much of culture, I think so many of the voices they may be hearing is we don't expect more from you, and that is not what we want them to go home hearing from us. Like, we expect more because we believe you can do it.
Speaker 5:Yeah. It's really good. What's next?
Speaker 2:Do you
Speaker 4:have any stories on
Speaker 5:On reaching? Yeah. Would you say that a reaching goal could be a response to a failure of saying maybe an expectation wasn't met? So my mentee shows up late reaching goal. I could say, hey.
Speaker 5:Next time we meet, I'd love for you to to be on time.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:Is that a fair reaching goal or or to use the concept of a reaching goal as as an area to communicate where we want them to improve?
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. I think that's I think that's great. And I also think you're a little hung up on, your mentee not being on time. But, yeah, I think it's like my mom always told me a story when I was a kid, and I was first learning how to read that she handed me this big, I guess, book on phonics or whatever they used back then to teach kids how to read.
Speaker 4:And she said that I, like, looked at it, and I just started crying because I was like, it's so big. I'm never gonna be able to do all of this. And she said that she had to learn to give it to me in segments. And so she would give me worksheets versus the whole workbook. And so I think that's how we look at it is, eventually, they're gonna get through the whole workbook.
Speaker 4:That's what we want for them. But this is just the worksheet for where they're at today because it can be overwhelming for a kid. You know, we talked about development last week. They don't have long long term planning yet. They don't have that capability yet.
Speaker 4:We do, and we see where they're going, but we can just give them the worksheet for the day, the the small goal for the day, that reaching little step for the day.
Speaker 5:Yeah. I feel like we need more substance on this one before we move on.
Speaker 4:K.
Speaker 5:I'll say this, that there there can be this feeling that kids don't like rules, that they hate being told what to do, that they reject authority. And yet really, it's what they need the most. It it frees them up. And and I think in many ways, kids want to be challenged. Yeah.
Speaker 5:They just aren't used to it. Like yesterday, when we had a boy in our program who wanted to sing a worship song, he was asking for us to sing it at our church service for weeks.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And this week, we were going to sing it. And I asked him, I said, hey, this is the song that you wanted us to sing, and I want you to come and lead it for the group. We hadn't done something like that before. He didn't seem like he had done something like that
Speaker 2:before. Mhmm.
Speaker 5:Was that a reaching goal? Really, I just kinda pushed him.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:I don't think it was something he was reaching for. Because, like, he didn't he wasn't asking, hey. Can I lead this song? Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I
Speaker 5:just said, hey. This is the song you wanted us to sing. Why don't you come lead us in it? And so what would you say that that fits into this category of calling kids into something that they've never done before
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And giving them those experiences where they're really stretched. And it's not just they're going through the motions, but they're really, like Yeah. They're reaching. They're being challenged.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. I I mean, I think that is a part of it. I think my immediately my immediate thought with that is it's gonna require the ability to apologize on the mentor's fault if you ever push too far. And so there has to be
Speaker 5:like saying I push
Speaker 2:too far?
Speaker 4:Well, I'm just I am just saying maybe maybe check-in maybe check-in with him, see how he's doing today. But, yeah, I think setting a challenge before your mentee is great because so often, I think they do just need that little push to do something so outside of their their comfort zone. And getting outside of your comfort zone, the best way to do that is with somebody who is a safe person to do that with and who better than your your mentor. But I think with that, there just has to be, like, just a mindfulness of what that experience was like for your mentee and a willingness to recognize, okay. That one was a little that was a little too far.
Speaker 4:Let's take it back a couple steps next time, but you're not gonna know that until until you try it. And so I think even just with expectations within a mentor relationship, we haven't done one on what a mentee can expect from their mentor. But I think within that, there should be an expectation that at some point, you're gonna cross a line with your mentee, and you're gonna have to apologize. And that's okay. Like, you're not gonna do it right every time, but it's better to try than not.
Speaker 4:It's better for your mentee to to push and apologize than to let them waste their potential.
Speaker 5:Mhmm. And coaches are known for pushing that boundary
Speaker 4:Totally.
Speaker 5:Of believing, having great expectations, pushing you to be your best, but also being wary of discouraging in shutting kids down on their team by expecting too much of them.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 5:And I think that is a good a good illustration that as mentors, if you haven't pushed some buttons yet
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:Maybe you haven't set reaching goals yet because you haven't recognized where the boundary line is of where your mentee feels crushed under the weight of your expectation
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 5:Which sounds horrible, but it's also it's good for you to recognize where where their that line is and how you can communicate within the challenges that you're giving them, that you're with them, that you believe in them, and that you can be a man who apologizes
Speaker 2:for
Speaker 5:expecting too much.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. And I will just say, like, an encouragement to mentors. My position, getting to run an after school program, I get to hear kids talk about their mentors all the time, and I have seen mentor interactions where I I witness a mentor, like, giving a real hard challenge to a kid, like, calling them up into better decisions or whatever. I have never heard a mentee afterwards talk about their mentor in a way where they they were like, well, I'm done with that guy.
Speaker 4:It it there is always a response of this just, like, lighting up and excitement when their mentor comes, excitement about talking their mentor, and and just an enthusiasm to be believed in for more.
Speaker 2:Wow. So
Speaker 5:That's really good and leads us to the relational aspect. Because I I do love how we're connecting these together in this episode of their reaching, but they're also relational.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. So expectations, they need to be a relational process of working together to help your mentee grow into their potential. And I think that us talking about how Jesus sets these reaching expectations but is also relational is the perfect example, and that gives me that is where why I have confidence that these are good things for us to pursue too because I think it's the example that Jesus set where it
Speaker 2:wasn't this, like, gauntlet tossed, and it's like,
Speaker 4:follow me. Wasn't this, like, gauntlet tossed, and it's like, follow me.
Speaker 2:And then he just takes off, and we never see
Speaker 4:him again.
Speaker 2:He
Speaker 4:says, follow me, and he walks the road of Emmaus with us. You know, he shows us how to to cast the nets. And, you know, when you think about the life that Jesus lived, he called the disciples and then did life with them.
Speaker 5:Yeah. When he says, follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. Yeah. Not follow me, and I will expect you Yeah. To fish for men.
Speaker 5:Yeah. It's like make there there's this, yeah, emphasis upon presence and being with the disciples.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Which is the way that we teach our discipline process in our program is we talk about that word disciple and how discipline is the core of that word is disciple and that we are not interested in punishing kids for behavior. We are we are completely focused on it being a learning process. I am going to sit with you and process what you did, why that happened, what could be done better the next time because I'm more interested in you learning how to become a man or woman of god than I am in just saying you did something wrong, so you need to serve your consequence. And you just go over there and think about it.
Speaker 4:Now we're gonna do this together. We're gonna figure this out together. So it's a discipleship.
Speaker 5:Yeah. And that that incorporates it's it's so it incorporates great great expectations was a book I read in high school, I think. Is that am I right on that?
Speaker 4:I mean, that wasn't on my reading log, but that sounds right.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Sounds like you are.
Speaker 5:Think that that book went very well.
Speaker 4:Is it about a mentor?
Speaker 5:I I think it was about somebody who had great expectations. Mhmm. And the moral of the story was, like, don't have great expectations.
Speaker 2:Talk about that book.
Speaker 5:But this That probably is a belief a
Speaker 2:lot of people have, though. Because I
Speaker 5:think a lot of people do walk in, and they think, well,
Speaker 4:don't expect much because you'll just be disappointed. But the reason
Speaker 5:is that we this is gonna be a hot take right here.
Speaker 4:Oh, boy.
Speaker 5:We are unwilling to provide the encouragement and support needed Yeah. To help someone fulfill our expectations. Mhmm. When I've had roommates who have quite frankly quite frankly pissed me off because of their actions, I've also communicated them to them through my actions that I'm unwilling to encourage and support them to change.
Speaker 4:Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. It's like figure out how to be better and then come back into this relationship, and that is not
Speaker 5:That's the gospel right there.
Speaker 4:Wow. That's good. I mean, that is not good, but that is a good point to bring up. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So I think for mentors, like, this relational piece is just when your kid is failing to meet the expectations, when you find yourself frustrated or discouraged in the relationship, I think it's really important for us to do a little bit of reflection of how how much have I entered in to doing doing this with him, with her? How much have I entered into walking to the next lamppost, the next milestone with him and showing him how to do that?
Speaker 5:Yep. Yeah. My friend, Daniel Roby, he helps people who are experiencing homelessness. Mhmm. And I'm gonna try and make this relate, but it's a very difficult issue of how do you rehabilitate brokenness like that.
Speaker 5:Yeah. I mean, many many people who are homeless are just like you and me who have run into a difficult circumstance.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 5:Many of those people have relationally disconnected, either have burned some bridges and don't have the support they need to get back on their feet.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:And so need need to go to a shelter for a season, need help finding a job. Mhmm. But there are some people that are a step further, have a medical condition or an issue that prevents them from even receiving help. And so they try to identify who's who in this situation. Is this a chronic illness that's leading to them experiencing homelessness, or is this a relational issue, or is this just a a hard luck moment that they're they're working on?
Speaker 5:And what they've identified is that they can help people who have the relational issues Mhmm. Get back on their feet a lot more quickly just in helping encourage and support them in developing skills
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 5:To to restore relationships with people within their family or their network to support them and help them get back on their feet. Yeah. But that process is not as easy as just teaching a class. You have to walk with someone Yeah. For months and and really work on it.
Speaker 5:The the support and encouragement needed to get people off the streets is a lot more than just giving a handout on the side of the road. When someone for help and says, god bless you, that's what they're asking for. But what they really need is relational support and encouragement that no one is willing to provide them. And that that's a really hard challenge for me that I faced in my own life. I've had a few homeless kids move in with me, and my expectation was they're gonna get a shower, they're gonna get fed, and they're gonna realize that they're important, and they're gonna get back on their feet.
Speaker 5:And it's gonna take maybe a couple months. Rewiring all of the relational issues that led them to
Speaker 2:where they were,
Speaker 5:if it was successful, took, if it was successful, took over a year, if not more time of investment of really working on helping them set realistic goals, but then also relationally providing encouragement and support and not just focusing on the the end goal, which is like a wife, a house, kids, and a dog or whatever Yeah. Which that's my world because I have a wife. I have a house. I have a kid. I guess I have I don't like a kids, but I do have a dog.
Speaker 5:And so
Speaker 4:Sadie.
Speaker 5:That that is usually what a mentor is thinking about is that I want I want the person I'm investing in to be where I'm at when they're my age.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And
Speaker 5:so any decision or difficulty or frustration that they're facing in their life, if I could just change the way they're making decisions, they'll be where I'm at.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. But
Speaker 5:it's not that simple. Mentoring is not a handout. It is difficult. It is costly. It will
Speaker 4:Yeah. It
Speaker 5:will take time. And every kid is different, and it's gonna be a different level of investment, which that kinda sucks
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 5:When you think about it. If if you're signing up to be a mentor, you don't really know, like
Speaker 4:A mystery crab bag.
Speaker 2:How much relationships will cost you. Yeah. But I think that's also something that the Lord knows.
Speaker 5:And, will cost you. Yeah. But I think that's also
Speaker 2:something that the lord knows.
Speaker 5:And Yeah. He will provide the grace to to
Speaker 4:recognize that,
Speaker 5:and it's hard to count the cost. Mhmm. So and and maybe that's
Speaker 2:why it's it's
Speaker 5:hard to mentor, but you can mentor. Yeah. Yeah. I it's it's hard to mentor, but you can mentor.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5:That was that was a a long story. But
Speaker 4:It was good. It was
Speaker 5:Thank you.
Speaker 2:I am For the encouragement.
Speaker 4:I just I was thinking about just what you're saying of you don't you don't know exactly what you're getting into when you decide that you're gonna start showing up for somebody. And I just see, yes. Like, we believe that the lord is faithful to equip you. And I think that there are so many people out there who have, like, a desire to impact the world, have a desire to serve, but maybe they don't think that they're equipped to be the person to do that. But I have just seen story after story of even in us growing as mentors, it is the next reaching goal, and that there isn't an expectation that you're gonna do it right every single time.
Speaker 4:There is that far off goal, but even for us, it's just the next like, god, give me the wisdom for this next interaction I'm gonna have with my kid. And I I mean, the first girl that I mentored, I didn't even know I was mentoring. I was a baby. I was like, I was 16, and this girl was a few years younger than me. And all I knew was that she was struggling with depression and suicide.
Speaker 4:And her parents were just doing the best they could with that, but really didn't know the extent of what was going on there. And I knew, and I was like, I cannot know this and not do something. And so I just started showing up for her, and I remember just going to bed at night praying and being like, god, I have no idea what I'm doing. Like, I feel all this weight, all this pressure to help this this girl who had gone through trauma and realistically, you know, was dealing with the repercussions of some things that had happened in her life and was struggling with those things. And there were just so many conversations where with her, I was like, I know that life feels so far off for you.
Speaker 4:Like, a future feels so far away from you, but let's just make it through this next day. Let's just get through this next moment. And that was just our journey for both of us was making it through the next day together. I'm growing, and she's growing. And I remember there was, like, a breaking point in a good way where there was just this turnaround.
Speaker 4:And I was like, oh my gosh. I finally made it. Like, we survived this long, like, years years of walking together through this. And then a few like, I move. I'm not in the same city anymore.
Speaker 4:A few years go by. It's been, like, 7 years probably. And I get a text from her one day, and she asked if she can drive to my city and just crash on my couch because she's going through it again. And I remember in that moment, I was praying about it, and I was like, I thought we made it past this, God. Like, I thought I thought we made it to like, we did all the reaching goals.
Speaker 4:We did all the milestones. And do we really have to go through all of this again? But I that was such a great moment for me to just realize that it is it can my relationship with her could not be about goals. It had to be about relationship because there were gonna be setbacks. And at the end of the day, it was about me showing up for her moment by moment through her life, setbacks included.
Speaker 4:And it wasn't about checking her off as, like, the success story. It was about me loving her and showing up for whatever it was that day, regardless of how many times we had to go back to square 1. And she's doing amazing today also. So, I mean, there's just so much room for redemption and hope in every single relationship out there.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Mentor, the greatest resource you will ever give a kid you mentor is relationship. It's not gonna be a toy. Toys are great. It's more more than likely not gonna be a skill.
Speaker 5:No. It's gonna be relationship. I was trying to think of a third one, but there was a very long dramatic pause just now. But it it's funny how all all of the time the world tries to solve issues through resources other than relationships. I just throw money at
Speaker 4:it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a part of some things, but it can't be No.
Speaker 4:It can't be the full picture. I mean, I even just am thinking Are
Speaker 5:you gonna talk about reparations right now? No.
Speaker 4:I'm not.
Speaker 5:Let's go there, Beth.
Speaker 4:I'm not. I'm not.
Speaker 5:40 acres and a mule.
Speaker 4:I just it's like have you ever been reading a science book or a business book, and the author doesn't even know it, but they they are talking about biblical principles? I see that in so much of life, and I see that in in this this relational aspect of mentoring because I just I think our natural inclination as humans whenever we don't meet an expectation is to seclude ourselves, to remove the closeness to the person that we disappointed. But you look in the Bible, and there is just instruction and invitation again and again and again to come into the light. I think it's in James where it talks about confessing your sins to a brother, which that verse terrified me growing up because that's the last thing I wanted to do was tell someone, especially Daniel. Like, I think it's our natural inclination to run and hide versus entering into relationship when it's hard and when we messed up.
Speaker 4:So I think just understanding that when your mentee fails to meet your expectation, there is gonna be that temptation for them to put distance between you guys. And so us as mentors, we should anticipate that
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:And be prepared for that and and make make every effort the ever they are failing and completely missing the mark.
Speaker 5:Boom. So good, Beth. That that was a very short series, but I think there's a lot to take in there about our expectations, unrealistic, reaching, and relational. It's really good. How should we end this?
Speaker 4:What are you doing over there?
Speaker 5:Messing with this. Oh. Sorry.
Speaker 4:I can hear it.
Speaker 2:We should
Speaker 4:probably give, like, a, like, a summary practical because that was a lot of stuff.
Speaker 5:Beth Winter, you are very smart. Probably too smart. Let's be honest. Can you give us a quick summary of everything you just shared for those of us listening?
Speaker 4:Yeah. I mean, I think Do you
Speaker 5:want do you wanna go with that, or you want me to try it harder?
Speaker 4:K. Well
Speaker 5:set a reaching goal for me. Is that
Speaker 4:I think we should just restart that part. I think we you should do a redo, Steven.
Speaker 5:Thank you. Thank you. And do you support me and give me encouragement? Yes. I believe in you.
Speaker 5:So, Beth, I love the Yes.
Speaker 2:I believe
Speaker 4:in you. So, Beth, I love
Speaker 2:this episode. I think there's a ton
Speaker 5:of takeaways. Could you just summarize real quick the importance of mentors applying expectations that are reaching and relational and maybe a practical for for them to apply? Yeah. I mean, a practical for for them to apply.
Speaker 4:Yeah. I mean, I think if I was gonna sum it up in the, like, too long didn't read way of saying this, it's LDR. Yes. There we go. Understand make an effort to understand where your mentee is.
Speaker 4:Make it apparent that you believe that he can grow beyond that, and make every effort to enter in and do the work together.
Speaker 5:No kizzy. No cap. No lie. Right there, you can mentor. That was the best sentence I've ever heard.
Speaker 5:Oh my gosh. That was so good. You can mentor. Thank you for listening. That is Beth Winter at the helm of the of the podcast.
Speaker 5:It's such a pleasure to hear from you taking the lead. I did nothing on, on these episodes. So, all I did was just interrupt you and share anecdotal stories. So thanks for listening, guys. We hope we hope you enjoyed this.
Speaker 5:Share it with someone, you know, would benefit from the content. Any other encouragement, Beth?
Speaker 4:You can mentor.