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We are Meredith and Mishelle and together, we are flipping the script on what it means to be an IT girl. Each week we will be discussing topics and questions submitted by YOU, our audience, as we navigate life's challenges together.
Mishelle Kost (00:01)
Hey, fabulous people, I'm Meredith. And I'm Michelle. And together we're here to flip the script on what it truly means to be the It Girl. That's right. Whether you're rocking the runway or embracing the messy bun life, no matter your size, ethnicity, or state of your sweats, you are It. We're diving deep into the realness of life, celebrating the victories, navigating the failures, and sometimes not having a clue while doing it all.
We've got battle scars, heartbreaks, contagious laughs, and an unbreakable bond of love for each other. Join us every week as we unwrap different topics and answer questions brought to us by our amazing audience. That's you. Get ready for a fresh dose of perspective that'll make you think, laugh, and maybe even shed a tear. We're on this journey together, growing, crying, laughing, and fighting for one another, because that's what being an It Girl is all about.
So send us your burning topics and thought provoking questions through our website, itgirllife .com or drop us a line directly at hello at itgirllife .com. Let's make every moment count, embrace the chaos and live our best it girl lives.
Meredith (01:02)
Welcome back everybody. We are so excited to bring you episode 13, which we have titled, Choices and Consequences. And we're in the thick of summer right now. So this seems like a really great time and a hot time of the season to bring you a juicy question. But before we dive into that, as always, let's, let's do an icebreaker. And this one's kind of a free for all icebreaker question today.
Mishelle (01:05)
excited to bring
choices and consequences. And we're in the thick of summer right now, this seems like a really
man, okay. And I love that you all get to hear us unscripted, unprepared, we just come in.
Meredith (01:31)
Michelle, the question is, what is something you want to share with the listeners that has impacted you recently or maybe this week?
Mishelle (01:48)
And we try to answer the question as authentically as we can. So here we go. This is me just buying time, trying to think about my answer. I don't know. The only thing that comes to mind right now is yesterday I was doing burpees at the gym and Aspen thought it was so funny. She thought it was a game and she wanted to lay on my back. And so was doing 23 pound burpees up and down with her laying on my back, but she just thought it was so funny and so fun. And she just kept telling me that lay down.
Lay down. Every time I stood back up, lay down. And then I would stop because I was tired. She's like, one more time, keep going. And I think the impact or how that impacted me was it just made me realize how important it is, like these small little moments of teaching her the importance of healthy habits and working out and
I'm raising this little human being to be a strong woman one day. And I just feel so honored that I get to teach her and show her these fun like workout things and that she's just going to grow up in this gym environment and working out and watch me and her dad being strong. I don't know, it just like made me all mushy. So I would say that probably impacted me this week, but also I'm just back from vacation.
And we had the greatest time, went to go visit my sister. We went to the beach and did so many fun things. And I feel refreshed and rejuvenated and just realize how important it is to take a break and just do nothing and hang out with your family for a little while. So that'd be my answer.
Meredith (03:32)
that sounds really fun. What I also am envisioning in my mind is burpees are not fun for anybody. I don't know anybody who's like love burpees, love wall sits. That's neither of the things that I've ever said. And just how much joy she was having and then you were probably in misery and wanted to give up. But because she had such contagious joy, you're like, okay, I gotta muster up the strength to do one more to just bring this laughter and this joy to
Mishelle (03:50)
Yes.
huh, exactly.
Meredith (04:02)
which is funny and sweet. What a sweet moment. Mine's a little bit different. I've shared with you before, and I don't recall if I've shared with the listeners, I've been reading a book called The Pivot Year, and it is 365 pages by Brianna Weist, is how I believe you say her name, and if not, then someone correct me, please.
Mishelle (04:17)
Yeah
Meredith (04:27)
One thing that irks me just to show people my personality is that I didn't start it on January 1. So I'm not like succinct with calendar days as I'm reading through this and that still to this day bothers me.
Mishelle (04:40)
Well, but I feel like you're reading what was meant for you in this moment. And so I think you're supposed to just pick it up wherever you are.
Meredith (04:44)
I agree. Yeah.
Yeah. And so if I could just take a moment, I'm going to read just a small section of one specific day that I think hit me. And I also want to hit other people with just this small word. I won't read the whole day, but it says half the battle is coming to the place of really believing you deserve good things. It's learning to account for all of your virtues and strengths as often as you do your shortcomings.
It's starting to see that you are worthy of feeling good just because you are a human being trying your best. And I'll stop there. There was more to that second half, but just for the people who don't hear that, it is learning to account for your virtues and strengths as often as you do your shortcomings. And it's starting to see that you are worthy of feeling good just because you are a human being trying your best. Hard, right? Right?
Mishelle (05:24)
Mmm.
That's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Because we are. And you are. And our listeners are. Yes.
Meredith (05:46)
Gosh, yeah. we just, like what brought this to me and what I think about, especially as women, someone will compliment us and our immediate reaction is some sort of self -deprecating humor or, you know, just a deflection of really someone acknowledging and trying to raise you up because we have been conditioned ourselves, we condition ourselves to be smaller.
Mishelle (06:08)
We have
Meredith (06:13)
than what I think we're supposed to be. And so that one specifically just hit me for everybody, for just, you know, we are all just trying our bests and we are all capable of having a great life and really loving the things that we have and some kind of tying into yours, like let's not take small things for granted or being grateful and seeing really small things daily that could bring us joy and peace. And
Mishelle (06:16)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (06:43)
That's really.
Mishelle (06:43)
Small things that could, like you said, bring you misery, but if you take a moment to pause and step back, actually see a moment of joy and impact instead. Yeah.
Meredith (06:46)
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, choosing, choosing to start believing that you deserve good things and good thoughts and acknowledging how much you've accomplished so far. So maybe that's what I want to share.
Mishelle (07:06)
Bravo, bravo. If you can't see me, I'm applauding. So good.
Meredith (07:10)
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, that hit me in the feels. And I would recommend this book. It's like a reflection, a daily reflection you read one page a day, unless you accidentally, okay, good, good.
Mishelle (07:22)
I'm ordering it now. Ordering it now. Ordering it now. I feel like that's something I actually want to do with Brian as an activity. I think we're always looking for ways to find connection and be connected. And that feels like a great way to just start both of our days or end our days and then connect. So I think I'm going to do
Meredith (07:39)
Mm -hmm. And one of my friends, was sharing something like this with them, and she had mentioned, you know, in a time when you're very faith -based and you reference a lot in the Bible and you reference a lot of that teaching and that devotional, this is another, in addition, like an accompaniment to speak to anybody regardless of their denomination and not saying don't downplay your faith, but also just able to speak to anybody at their level.
Mishelle (07:57)
to speak to anybody.
Meredith (08:07)
You never know what's going to hit you because some of these messages on some days I'm like, okay, I'm listening. I need to just get over myself and. Yes. Yeah. Most times it's okay. I got to get over myself and myself spiral, but yes. And I really needed to hear that that day. So no. Okay, Michelle.
Mishelle (08:09)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah, or like, I really needed to hear that.
Yes.
I don't think you're alone on that. Okay, all right. Okay, okay. Diving into the question, we could go on and on with the whole pivot year book, but let's actually get into the question. So the question is, do you think your relationship can ever return to where it was from someone cheating?
Meredith (08:49)
Yeah, juicy.
Mishelle (08:49)
Yeah, very juicy. And I'm actually really curious, Meredith, because I don't know how you're going to respond. And I wonder if we'll be different. And I have a feeling this is going to be one of those episodes where we're different. And it's going to be good.
Meredith (08:58)
How... ...we might be?
Yeah, I have had been on the unfortunate side, receiving side of being cheated on, not once, not twice, but multiple times. And so I don't think it's very black and white. I think that there are different scenarios and different situations and you have to come to terms with a lot of things. There are a lot of things that are very hard stop for me. If this physical cheating,
Mishelle (09:13)
Mm -hmm. Same. Same.
I think that there are different scenarios and different situations
Meredith (09:32)
there's no way for you to come back in a relationship with me. That's just not an option. But if it's an emotional cheating that has lasted a long amount of time, I think the hard part about this question is people don't realize the amount of work it will take post losing trust in one another and the transparency and the person who has been the offender
Mishelle (09:55)
huh.
Meredith (10:02)
If you were in a relationship with me, the amount of work it would take for you to get my trust back and how transparent and open you would have to be with me, is that worth it for you? I would also have to ask that person because I am very dedicated to a place where I can trust somebody because this is a really...
Mishelle (10:22)
dedicated.
because this is a really big thing we're trying to form here, you know, like a life partner. It's not a really small thing. Even if you're in a boyfriend -girlfriend stage, there's parts of your mind that always doesn't have a certain end date a lot of the time. I just think it's... I think that it can't return to where it was because something was missing for it to have dated. But what I think
Meredith (10:29)
big thing we're trying to form here, you know, like a life partner. It's not a really small thing. Even if you're in a boyfriend girlfriend stage, there's parts of your mind that always doesn't have a start and end date a lot of the time. So I just think it's, I think that it can't return to where it was because something was missing for it to have deviated. But what I think that you lose is if one person's being held up on a pedestal,
Mishelle (10:56)
is if one person's being
Meredith (10:59)
because of what they were doing, because of how the relationship was, and that comes crashing down, then the dynamics and the relationship of you both changes post -event, whatever the event is. I'll take a pause.
Mishelle (11:00)
because of what they were doing.
dynamics and the relationship.
Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, I think, no, that's all really good. And maybe we are going to have more of a similar answer than I thought. OK, I'm surprised because remember, I thought you were the one that like cuts people off. OK, OK, OK. So I agree with what you're saying about. If the level, like the degree or type of cheating that's happening, because there's the physical touch.
Meredith (11:27)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (11:44)
cheating. And then there's the emotional, or you could even call it like the online cheating, right? Especially in the age that we're living in right today, I feel like there's probably even more so of the online, engaging, emotional cheating happening. And so yeah, I think physical touch for me is a hard stop. No, there's no returning from that. Like it's beyond like you, you cross the line. And now there's nowhere
more to go. I think in the other state where there is this breakdown of trust and once you're over the shock and the betrayal, because I think when you go through a moment of that where you're being cheated on, it's almost like your reality is being, like your reality and the world that you thought was existing crumbles down before you, like blows up right before your eyes. And I think that
can be very shocking and very traumatic, and it can be very difficult. And it really depends on the person yourself, the type of person you are, and how you process that, and your own level and maturity of being able to forgive. And in this scenario, it's not that you forget, but you can't ruminate and harbor it. If you want the relationship to continue and move forward,
you have to get to a place of like, I'm okay, like I forgive and accept the situation and I'm ready to move on and I'm not gonna bring it up and hold it over this person's head for the rest of their life. And if you don't feel like you can do that, then I would say cut your ties and cut your losses. Like it's not worth it to live in misery both for you and the other person. Cause the other person is constantly gonna be punished and frustrated.
and you're gonna constantly feel this resentment. But if you do feel like, okay, this relationship is worth something, there's something here that's worth saving, I wanna get curious and understand more what drove you to wanting to do this and this type of behavior, and how can we then move forward and like you said, Meredith, rebuild trust. And it's gonna be easier for some than others. So for me, I'm a very trusting person.
Meredith, but I was already shaking her head, she's like, she's like, it's gonna take a mountain for you to build back my trust. Whereas for me, depending on the situation in the person, it may not take that much for me to go back and trust them again. I don't know, I do, I think my final answer is yes, it can be possible, but it requires work on both parties.
Meredith (14:34)
Yeah, the emotional obstacle that someone has to be prepared to go through if they've cheated on me and still want to pursue a relationship with me and buy back my trust is ridiculous. And I understand that. And I know myself enough to know that trust is not easily won, kept, and earned, but I'm loyal to a fault and I love very hard.
Mishelle (14:40)
Thanks.
Yeah.
Meredith (14:59)
And so for me, that's just almost like a game changer if you have gone against and, you know, just misused my trust and my caring heart. Because if I'm in a relationship with you, I feel like I give 110 % to make you feel like you're on a pedestal. And that's probably to my detriment, or I've built people up so much so that it breaks my
Mishelle (15:13)
Yeah.
Meredith (15:29)
so hard. yeah, so when you were saying that and you were explaining it, it was really difficult because I could put myself in those feelings where you just like your world is shattered. Yeah.
Mishelle (15:30)
Yeah, it really does.
shattered. The reality that you thought existed is gone. And your heart is racing. The questions like the I think to it, it really does require like inner strength in order to move on because I think if because I've been cheated on multiple times as well. And at different points in my self development journey. And I will say that
Meredith (16:07)
Yes.
Mishelle (16:11)
Being cheated on when I was less self -actualized and less self -developed was a lot more difficult for me because I made it all about me. Whereas as I've continued to grow as a leader and my own self -leadership and grown in my own self -love and self -acceptance and the way that I view myself,
when the cheating happens, I know it has nothing to do with me and it has everything to do with my partner or whomever that person is. so getting to a place of forgiveness and curiosity about that is easier in that space. So I would say it also just depends on where are you in your own emotional maturity and can you handle that level of hurt?
really, that's what depends on can the relationship be repaired. And I agree with you, Meredith, it's never going to return to how it was. You create a new relationship, because it's not what it was. That reality is gone. You know, like you have forgiven this person, but you now are very fully aware of this person who you originally thought was this, but now is like, this person is actually this, which
Meredith (17:19)
Mm
Mishelle (17:39)
bad, right, wrong, or good, it's just, I thought you were this, and now you're this, and either I'm gonna accept that and still love this, or not. But the relationship is forever changed.
Meredith (17:52)
Yeah, which is hard. I feel, I feel for the person who submitted this, if this is what you're going through at this time, because longevity, having children, like those all play a factor into your psyche on top of trying to heal yourself and keep yourself together in this crisis type moment. But you still have the household, you still have to show up for your children potentially. And you don't want to sacrifice like, okay, was the entire
10 years a lie or you it's just like you question so many things that have occurred that what I can just offer is you have to answer and ask all of the hard questions and even show up and say, do I hold the knee? It's never, I will never say it's anybody's fault, but were there signs, were there red flags? And the hardest part is when you're like, there were none, you know, there was zero things, but then understanding what
Mishelle (18:24)
Mm -hmm
I will never say
zero things but then understanding.
Meredith (18:51)
person had to go to and through in order to do this. It's just really open communication which is going to hurt. It will continuously hurt. But if you're trying to build a new foundation, a new relationship from that, the words have to be said. That way you can make an informed decision of, can I move from this? And similar to what you're saying, I can't continue to hold this over their head. If I'm going to forgive them, I have to forgive
Mishelle (18:58)
Mm -hmm.
you're trying to build a new foundation and a new
Yeah.
Meredith (19:20)
and move on. I'm not going to forget that's obviously been this huge thing, but I'm going to fight for us because there's something worth fighting for
Mishelle (19:24)
huh. huh.
Yeah, and that's like the most important part is do you want this to work? And then my next question would be, do you want this to work for the right reasons? You know, are you wanting this to work because you feel so low about yourself that you feel like this is the only person that will ever love you and so you want to save this particular thing even though there's this mistreatment going on? do you want, you know, you just have to make sure the intentions are pure and correct for you.
and see if it's worth saving. And if it is, then like Meredith said, are you going to be able to fully move on? And if you in your heart of hearts are like, I can't, then you get out. It's not worth it. But if it is, and I think if the other person, a lot of it also depends on the attitude of the other person. So if the attitude of the other person is one of ownership, remorse.
Meredith (20:12)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (20:28)
I want to learn from this growth. Let's grow. want to be, I want to actively pursue this and fix it. You know that I can work with that all day. I truly, for me, I believe that like we're all human. We're going to make mistakes. Like no one's perfect.
You know, we gotta work on things, but I can't work with somebody who's not willing to take ownership and doesn't wanna learn and grow. Like at that point, like there is no mm -mm. It's like, no, mm, no, I'm just not doing it. But again, somebody who's apologetic ownership wants to grow is aware. Like I said, I can work with that all day, every day. Doesn't matter what it is.
Meredith (21:04)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah. And I will just be transparent. You were very correct and accurate. I'm 40 now and I've been in a relationship for a long time, but 20 year old Meredith that got cheated on was ready to catch a charge. There's no ifs, ands or buts. I was ready to fight and have it out. And I've just grown and learned to understand communication is the most mature route.
Mishelle (21:29)
was ready to catch a char.
Meredith (21:43)
not burning people's clothes or, you know, doing any damage to their vehicles. Not saying I did that. I'm just saying don't really try to find a real mature way to get through this and understand your value and your worth because a lot of the times when people cheat, it's an insecurity in themselves and nothing reflected of you and what you're not doing and what you're not rising to the occasion or quote unquote,
Mishelle (21:52)
really try
your value and your worth because a lot
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (22:13)
trying to be that best perfect version because that's when the doubts and all of those are going to creep in and try to give you yourself, your negative talk about what part did you play in this and you played no
That was just, that's a choice. And then there's the potential consequences, hence the title of the show. So I'm not, yeah, this is not a good topic. It makes my heart race because I know that feeling so well. Do you, I guess we talked more about that conversation around, do you think in today's society, it's so much easier
Mishelle (22:30)
Done.
Exactly. Same. I do too.
Meredith (22:59)
all of these things to occur because a lot of it is online and people do not, you can hide it so easily and you can kind of make it seem like what you're doing because it's not in person, it's not face to face, it's not physical touch, has no repercussions.
Mishelle (23:04)
And you can hide it. And
Right. Yeah, I do. And I think it's, I think it's definitely probably more prevalent. And I bet you it's happening more than most people even are aware of. And I think it's really sad because I think at the heart of it, what's missing is this like connection, like the true need for connection, or attention or it's filling some sort of void in somebody's life. And
do feel like there is a gap in the world today where people are unwilling to do the inner work that's required to find healing. And instead they're leaning into things that make them feel good, which is attention from some girl on the internet, a stranger on the internet, which is sad, but also true for a lot of people. And so that's why I think I'm so passionate about self leadership and feeling like what I'm here to do.
and what the world needs and what I feel like I'm gifted at is to be able to teach people self -discovery and self -development and being a self -leader and knowing how to manage your emotions and how to heal your trauma and how to heal from your inherited generational things so that you can be a whole and complete person so that there isn't this fill of things that don't actually serve you.
actually being more detrimental. So yeah, I don't know. That's me on my soapbox. I don't know. I, that's what I think.
Meredith (24:51)
Well, but I think that you're in a similar boat as I am. You've been married for a while. You have a child. I've been married. I've been with my husband for 14 years now. And I think that it is both of our responsibility to keep the spark alive or to still give each other butterflies or really intentionally have meaningful conversation and a meaningful relationship in a world where we can both either be on our phones for
be on our phones not paying attention to each other. Do I think that that's an excuse of people to go and cheat because you're not getting the attention? Absolutely not. But what I'm saying is you have to work as a partnership and communicate and say when, hey, I really need a date night. the problem is we're always expecting them to give us the butterflies as we got in the first handful of months dating.
Mishelle (25:19)
Mm -hmm.
and communicate and say when, I really need a date night or...
Meredith (25:43)
But unless you verbalize that or you're really open and honest about what you need in this relationship, it doesn't justify them going out to cheat, but it also is you taking ownership of what you need to be happy as a partner in this relationship. So.
Mishelle (25:45)
Right.
huh.
And then checking in too, like, hey, what can I be doing to help with this relationship? even in the beginning of the call, I told you, Brian and I are, always looking for things to bring more connection to us. So we're going to get this book. So it takes intentionality. It requires choice. It requires self -knowledge. It requires knowledge about the other person. It's work. It's not easy.
Meredith (26:26)
It's hard work. Yeah, it is hard
Mishelle (26:28)
And I think that's like the biggest thing I've learned in my second marriage, because I've married now twice. But what I've learned now is that it's not like I think I used to think it was going to be so easy, that it would just all come so naturally, and it wouldn't require anything, and it would just be simple. But at the end of the day, that's not the truth. And it doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed, or that there's, it's not going to work. It doesn't matter who you're with, like it's going to be work. Now there's, so that's just
It's just part of being in a relationship. It's just part of being connected to another human.
Meredith (27:03)
Yeah, I would completely agree. I think that's the biggest lesson I learned from my first marriage to my second marriage was I wasn't communicating and I was there as a participant in making someone else happy and really overshadowed my happiness a lot of the time. And so just really being open and honest in communication.
Mishelle (27:14)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Is this like an Asian thing or something? Why are we have the exact same experience?
Meredith (27:25)
I just think, maybe, maybe, but we're two different nations and I'm half white. we do, yeah. And I mean, but I'm a Scorpio. So I sting real hardcore when something happens. And then I'm like, my bad. I didn't mean to say all of those things when I was hungry and angry. So I just, yeah, this is a really hard topic. This is
Mishelle (27:31)
And we're still people pleasing over here. Okay, great. Okay, great.
Meredith (27:52)
Someone going through it, we feel for you, really deep empathy from us because we've been here and we're going through it. And I think for any closing statements we would say here is really understand what you want in the chapter. Is there hope? Can you get to a place where you're moving forward? Yes. Can it get back to where it was? I don't believe so. I don't think Michelle believes so either. It just opened communication.
Mishelle (28:09)
Where in hope can you get to a place where you're moving?
Mm -hmm.
just open communication.
Meredith (28:22)
making sure that this is something that you can potentially get over and being very honest with yourself and the other person on what it would take for you guys to move forward is what I think would start. It's not going to fix right away. It's going to be a lot of work on both sides to move forward from this. What would you share?
Mishelle (28:34)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Now all of that times two. Yes. And just remember, just do what you, what's best for you and just get clear about what you want and that and let that guide the rest of
Meredith (28:55)
Mm
Yeah, such a hard topic and my blood is also boiling. All right, well, as always, submit your burning questions at our website at girl life .com or send us an email directly at hello at girl life .com. We'd love to hear from you and just message us any DMS on our Instagram as
Mishelle (29:25)
Talk to you soon.