We tackle the all-too-common challenge of sticking with our New Year’s resolutions and personal goals. Coinciding with National Quitters Day, we talk about why many people give up on their goals by mid-January and how to avoid that trap. We share strategies for setting realistic, achievable goals, building habits that last, and staying motivated through the ups and downs. Whether you’re struggling to keep a resolution or simply looking to set more meaningful goals for the year ahead, this episode will help you stay on track and keep pushing forward, no matter what. Tune in to learn how to keep your momentum and make your goals stick, long after National Quitters Day passes.
Creators & Guests
Host
What is The Shrink Down?
Four lifelong friends, all clinical psychologists, unpack the latest in current events, pop culture and celebrity news through the lens of psychology.
Vanessa (00:00.61)
Hello, welcome to the Shrink Down. Today we're gonna be talking about keeping goals and how we do that. So in honor of National Quitters Day, which was observed this past Friday, January 10th, we're gonna be talking about why do people struggle to keep their goals around this time of year? A lot of people refer to it as New Year's resolutions and then ways we can stick to our goals. But before we get into goal setting and goal keeping, let's do our four minute faves. Who wants to start today?
Lauren (00:01.732)
Okay.
Lauren (00:09.508)
Thank you.
Wilhelmina (00:29.594)
I'll start. You girls already know what I'm going to talk about because I've been texting with them all weekend. So my husband and I saw a movie this weekend. We went out on a rare date night and we saw Baby Girl, the latest movie with Nicole Kidman and the man is Harris Dickinson who
Lauren (00:33.949)
I have no idea.
Wilhelmina (00:55.809)
I've known him because he's been in a couple smaller things. He was in a TV show, Murder at the End of the World, which was really good on Apple, I think. And then he was in The Triangle of Sadness, that weird movie with Woody Harrelson a year or two ago. And then maybe one other thing. But I've loved him, so I was really excited for him to see him in a bigger role.
I won't really say much about it. think the previews and trailers, Terry was like, do not give it away. like, I think the plot points are all on the preview. mean, it's, Nicole Kidman is a high power powered CEO and married kids. was, funny. Her husband is played by Antonio Banderas and it's funny to see him as like the older husband who,
Lauren (01:27.62)
Yeah.
Teri (01:29.895)
No plot points.
Lauren (01:37.348)
Thanks.
Lauren (01:47.236)
I love him.
Lauren (01:51.416)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (01:51.927)
you're like, he used to be the like, super, the male lead, you know, the sexy, sexy, Mary Lee, he's still sexy, but and she ends up basically having having a connection with a younger intern and all of where that leads. It is so, good. Lots of things to talk about. I think especially women in our age range, I think, I mean, it's
written and directed by a woman who's 49. And I think that it is sort of meant to provoke questions for women in our age range. I had watched a little video of hers, she basically, she described this movie as a cautionary tale of what happens when you deny that you have a darker side within you. Like you just, and so.
I highly recommend it, if nothing else, to just sort of talk about it with your girlfriends, talk about, yes, spark conversation, talk about it with your significant other. My husband and I talked about it for a really long time and it sort of brought up some interesting revelations and questions and, and my God, it was so hot. Like at some point I was sitting in the theater with like all of the people and I was like, this is almost...
Lauren (02:54.884)
Start conversation. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (03:16.192)
awkward to be in the theater watching like it literally opens the scene like before anything is on the screen you hear Nicole Kinman having sex and you're like hey there was a guy by himself sitting next to me like he had like and I was like
Vanessa (03:17.488)
Hahaha
you
Vanessa (03:26.126)
With your popcorn and your Mike and Ikes.
Interesting.
Lauren (03:36.824)
Funny.
Wilhelmina (03:37.434)
What you doing over there? So, yeah, really good. I think it was Christmas because I actually saw one of the posters was like this December, get what you really want. So for Christmas.
Vanessa (03:42.242)
When did it come out in theaters?
Lauren (03:44.068)
I think it was Christmas.
Vanessa (03:45.934)
Okay.
Lauren (03:49.376)
Yeah, funny.
Teri (03:50.994)
Yeah.
Vanessa (03:52.386)
I know I want to watch it, I, all honesty, I know I won't go to the theater to watch it. So I'm very curious when it will come on to TV.
Lauren (03:58.616)
I could see it as being a quick turnaround because I would imagine a lot of people are just like you. They're not gonna wanna go to the theater to see it, but they've heard good things. Yeah.
Teri (04:02.771)
Thank you.
Vanessa (04:03.022)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would pay to rent it. Yeah, like I would pay to rent it, but I want to watch it. But I just know I rarely ever go to the theater. So yes. Yes. Yeah. Right.
Teri (04:09.735)
Right, the effort that's required to get to the movie theater.
Wilhelmina (04:12.844)
Especially for us, it's like a sitter. If you're not seeing it by yourself, it's a sitter. Yeah, it's and it is.
Lauren (04:14.082)
Right? Mm-hmm.
Vanessa (04:19.042)
And now that you just described that, I don't think I want to go by myself to watch this.
Lauren (04:21.408)
I know that's a- Like, mmm maybe not.
Wilhelmina (04:23.422)
Seriously, like the C, you are just like, it feels like you are like, I'm like, this is, this is very personal, very personal. yeah, I was even like, at some point, I feel like I was like holding Ellen's hand and I was like, very aware of like, are other people paying attention to what people are doing? Cause it feels like so like just like a private, I don't know. was, it was good.
Vanessa (04:30.478)
Like you're watching something personal, like, yeah.
Lauren (04:30.776)
Keep doing it. Yeah.
Vanessa (04:51.534)
Well, we'll have to circle back to it once we all watch it and we'll have a discussion on all of these.
Lauren (04:51.992)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (04:57.753)
I think it would be a good one. I think it would be a, I mean, there's another book that came out this summer called All Four's by Miranda July and Miranda June, Miranda July, I'm now blanking, but it's called All Four's. And it had a similar reaction in the world, again, similar target audience and sort of similar theme. And basically a lot of women said it was like in our age,
range said it was like their favorite book of the year. But anyone who was younger was like, well, that was just weird. So it sparked like a ton of conversation. So I think there's there's clearly an emerging theme that's coming out between this book hitting such popularity, the movie hitting such buzz. It's meant to be talked about. It's meant to spark, like you said, Lauren spark conversation. So and it's just a pleasure to watch.
Lauren (05:47.652)
Very cool.
Vanessa (05:48.302)
Awesome. Thanks for sharing. All right, Terry, what you got today?
Lauren (05:51.492)
Awesome.
Teri (05:52.829)
Okay, mine is a book recommendation that Wilhelmina recommended to us that I jumped on because I wanted an easy fiction read. I had started something else a couple of weeks ago and you texted and said, no, no, read this. The Wedding People. Yeah, Alison Espach, Espach, whatever. The Wedding People, super easy read. I think I read it in a few days. Really.
Wilhelmina (06:06.522)
Okay. yes, yes! I read this for my book club.
Lauren (06:06.914)
yeah, remember that. Yeah.
Teri (06:20.847)
enjoyable, good fiction, definitely women, sort of chick lit, I feel like. But just really, it's about a woman who ends up being involved at a destination wedding and all the people that are there at the hotel for that event. she gets, yeah, and she sort of gets entangled with all of them. And I looked forward to reading it anytime I had a chance to circle back to it, to always think is a sign of a good book. When you have a spare moment.
Lauren (06:26.403)
Yeah.
Lauren (06:38.084)
different characters.
Lauren (06:48.558)
Yeah.
Teri (06:50.163)
Like, oh, my kid's got whatever I'll bring my book with, you know, while he's at practice and get some reading in. So good recommendation. Mola Mina, I recommend it to everybody. The Wedding People, it would be a good movie if they ever... Yes.
Wilhelmina (06:59.355)
Thank you.
Lauren (07:00.206)
Bye.
Wilhelmina (07:03.598)
could play it out of my head. Like when I was reading it, I was, could see it as a movie.
Lauren (07:05.155)
Yeah.
Teri (07:07.249)
Yes, I thought I was like, this would make a great movie. highly recommend. Alison Espach, E-S-P-A-C-H, Es-pach, Es-pach.
Lauren (07:10.286)
fun.
Vanessa (07:11.406)
Who's the author?
Vanessa (07:22.03)
All right, Lauren, what are you sharing?
Lauren (07:22.372)
Very cool. Okay, so in honor of our sort of topic for the day, the goal setting and things like that, I was just kind of thinking about my own goals. I don't tend to be, we'll get into that. I don't tend to do them on January 1st or anything like that. But in, in an effort to be a more organized person in the morning with, and I'm, I'm a pretty organized person, but with getting kids off to school. One of the things that we always struggle with, I would say,
Wilhelmina (07:22.414)
Yeah, I'm glad you liked it.
Lauren (07:51.232)
fairly consistently as somebody is missing something like their belt or a glove or like whatever right and it's just like such a little thing but it can throw the whole morning off because like if you have everything timed like we do down to like the minute before we leave the house and then you're spending five minutes looking for somebody's belt drives me crazy. So anyway I came across this this just came across my Instagram this concept so I'm sharing a concept and
Vanessa (07:55.476)
Vanessa (08:03.692)
Right? Yeah.
Lauren (08:17.764)
Terry discussed it when we were all talking about hosting holidays in our group chat. I don't think we discussed it on here, but this woman calls it a guest for dinner bin, GFD bin. And she, it's a cute little video and that's what I'll share, Vanessa. So that's what I'm going to share to sort of our social media of like her little reel. A cute little video of like just buying a really cute basket. So she's got like a cute little laundry basket and you're going to have guests over for dinner.
and you just do a sweep of your house. And like whatever is sitting out that you don't want or is misplaced and not put in its right place, you put in that bin. And that bin can be really cute and decorative and then it can literally sit in the corner or I just put it in our bedroom. So I actually did this a couple of weeks ago when we were last minute having friends over for like pizza and the kids were gonna play and stuff like that. But what I've been using it for in the last week is grabbing my children like...
derobe wherever they want to and this is how we lose things. So I've just been putting this stuff each night. It takes 30 seconds to put it all in the bin. And then I just, there's one spot where I know everything is and then it's really easy to take that bin and then go actually put it in its correct spot. Or if I don't have time to do that, then it's in that bin the next morning. So she called it a GFD bin. So I went to Target, got this really cute little laundry basket.
Wilhelmina (09:16.17)
No.
Vanessa (09:36.77)
I need a minute.
Lauren (09:42.194)
and I've actually every single day consistently been doing it and it's made me feel more calm and organized in the space, right? Because we function better when our space is organized. but I also liked it as just a, like a sweet little concept for things like having people over and not wanting to stress about where you're or where you're putting things. Like you're throwing things in drawers and then a week later you're looking for that thing and you can't find it because you don't actually know where you threw it.
Vanessa (09:53.39)
Cheers.
Vanessa (10:00.384)
getting everything where it needs to go.
Vanessa (10:06.828)
That's the story of my life.
Lauren (10:09.974)
Right, right. So I like the concept and she just packaged it in a cute little reel, of course. But it's just like, it's not a new concept, but I thought it was worth sharing for sort of my favorite thing right now. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (10:10.106)
I do.
Teri (10:10.291)
Hmm.
Vanessa (10:22.754)
Good reminder, yes.
Wilhelmina (10:24.674)
Lauren, I think you gave me this idea or something similar to this and I ran with it. so Maddie has a bin and Griffin has a, like a basket. And then that's where I, yes. And I just, yep. And then their weekend chore is like, go up and empty it. Yes. Yes. And then I have a third one that is cute and decorative and I will scoop up things. And then the theory is that if they don't,
Lauren (10:31.776)
yes, on the stairs. Yes, I have those too.
This actually needs to have a place. Each thing needs to have a home. It can't stay in your bin. Yep. Yep.
Wilhelmina (10:52.803)
reclaim them and put them away, then I will donate them. Haven't got around to that part, but that's the theory. Of course they look through it and something's been in there for like months and they're like, my favorite toy of all time. I'm like, really? Cause it's been in there for months and you didn't even notice it was there. So yes, exactly.
Lauren (10:55.938)
Yeah, I love that theory. I love that theory. Yes. That's the plan.
Lauren (11:08.388)
Right. And it's always the day you're ready to go to Salvation Army. You're like, great, fantastic. Yeah, so a GFD bin. What about you, Vanessa?
Vanessa (11:17.496)
GFD. So I was going to share a book, but I think I'm going to save that for next time. Actually, Terry made me think of this. I don't know what we were talking about, but you mentioned something about going for a waxing appointment. And I was like, I've never shared this device. I don't think I've even talked to you about with you guys. Have I talked to you about the Nude, N-O-O-D? I don't think I have. OK, so it's a IPL hair removal device for home.
Teri (11:40.017)
No, I don't think so.
Lauren (11:40.516)
What is that?
Wilhelmina (11:41.146)
I don't think so.
Vanessa (11:45.966)
So yeah, so I actually bought this. It's like, I'll show it to you. No, it's this, it's a little zapper. Yes, so this is it. I will post it online. So I got this like maybe a year and a half ago now. we, like I've never been a fan of waxing because I just, it just, hurts. It hurts, but that's just the truth, it hurts.
Wilhelmina (11:46.055)
ooh, I like that.
Lauren (11:47.044)
What was it? Like one of these like thermoplane?
Wilhelmina (11:50.824)
I have the dermaplane wanted. Mm-hmm. yeah, no.
Lauren (11:52.162)
I do- I have a- yeah. yeah, okay no. Okay. Yeah.
Lauren (12:08.579)
Yeah.
Vanessa (12:11.918)
But we got a beach house maybe like two or three years ago. And so I was at the beach more often and I was like, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to resort to it because, you know, shaving repeatedly has its own issues. And I started doing it it was fine. And then I started having like an allergic reaction to it. So was like, okay, like this isn't good. I tried it. Yeah. And I had, I tried it a couple of times. I'm like, nope, nope. It's I'm, my skin is just like, no, thank you. And I looked into like doing professional hair removal.
Wilhelmina (12:28.078)
You told me about this, yeah.
Vanessa (12:38.662)
and it's really expensive. And so I came across this little device, like I said, it's called a NUDE, N-O-O-D. And I thought, you know what, it's 200 bucks, let me try it. If it doesn't work, then I will go and get professional, get this done professionally. And so I used it, it's FDA cleared. I'm not sure if that's the same as FDA approved, but it's FDA cleared. And it works, it works really well. And to the point where...
Lauren (12:40.344)
Yeah.
Lauren (12:50.68)
Right.
Vanessa (13:04.332)
my husband didn't notice and at one day was like, wow. I was like, yes. It's the little machine that I use. it actually, yes. It is very user friendly. So if you look at the manual, it shows you how to set it on like auto. And so when you set on auto, so anytime it touches your skin, you actually have to touch your skin with it, it zaps itself. So then as soon as it zaps, you move it to the next spot.
Lauren (13:10.638)
That's funny.
Wilhelmina (13:12.122)
Yes!
Teri (13:15.343)
Is it easy to use user friendly?
Wilhelmina (13:17.85)
you
Vanessa (13:32.59)
And so whatever area you're treating, you're going to go three times. So let's say you're doing your bikini area. You're going to go across three times. And they say that two times per week is sufficient, because if you do it more, it really doesn't change it, because your hair only grows so often that it doesn't. And you should see results in about, I think I saw results in about six weeks. And just like when you get it done professionally, is some regrowth only because
Lauren (13:54.084)
well.
Vanessa (14:01.462)
you have to catch the hair at a certain point when you're doing it. So but I've done it, like I said, it's been about 18 months since I first did it. And you can still notably tell the difference between the areas that were treated and not treated. But it actually works. I am kind of a lazy person when it comes to like beauty routines, like I'm just always tired at night. So I've only like, I think if you did multiple areas on your body, it would probably take
Wilhelmina (14:03.896)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (14:15.578)
Hmm.
Vanessa (14:28.962)
a really long time. So I think my suggestion would be, and this can kind of go along with our goal setting to do one target one thing at a time so that you're not spending exactly overwhelmed. So like I did like my bikini area because I was like, well, this works. And I've done it like on some other areas too. But that was the area that I think that I had the most like, like I was like, okay, this really works most success. So yeah, so it's pretty easy to work.
Lauren (14:37.796)
overwhelmed. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (14:38.766)
Yes.
Wilhelmina (14:50.884)
success.
Lauren (14:52.205)
Yeah.
Vanessa (14:55.142)
You do have to wear, they suggest wearing sunglasses when you're doing it because it's like a laser light. And depending on what body part area you're targeting, you're going to use different intensities. certain parts are a little more sensitive. You're going to lower the intensity. They have really good videos that show you how to do it. Yes. And so anyway, that's my share because it actually works really well. And for 200 bucks and yeah.
Lauren (15:09.08)
Yes.
Wilhelmina (15:11.2)
I'm go.
Vanessa (15:23.374)
That's what I use. And then you're supposed to do like maintenance. Like you have to, like I said, you have to do a little bit of maintenance. So every like three to six months, you probably want to do like a touch up. So but touch up is nothing like when you first did it. that's my share for today is a nude. And yes, oh, yeah, I forgot that was the other area I did. I did my underarms. Yep. So I did my underarms and that because I was like, I need two small areas that I can focus on. Like I have not tried to do my legs because it's a lot.
Lauren (15:34.308)
Very cool.
Wilhelmina (15:35.65)
And you can do underarm. I mean, anywhere. Okay.
Lauren (15:47.972)
That's a lot, yeah.
Wilhelmina (15:48.036)
feels like a lot. For that intensity, for that long, yeah.
Teri (15:48.755)
Mm-mm.
Vanessa (15:51.37)
Yeah, so I'm like, don't have it. I'm sure some other woman out there has the patience to do it. Bless your heart. I don't. So, but yes, I did underarms and I did bikini area and it works.
Lauren (15:56.12)
Yeah.
Teri (16:01.139)
I like to hear it's user friendly so you're not going into a tech rage while you're trying to do your bikini line.
Lauren (16:04.992)
Right, right, Got the manual in your hand.
Wilhelmina (16:05.018)
Right?
Vanessa (16:05.646)
No, Like once, yeah, no, once I've, yeah, one button, one button increases the intensity. So it's like one through seven. And then the other button, you just hold it down and it'll say auto. And when it's on auto, then you know that it's on, like that's the easiest way, because then you don't even have, like it literally is like beep, it just does this thing. So it's very easy to use. So that's my share. All right. Okay. So as I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, we are going to be talking about goal setting. So
Lauren (16:25.282)
Awesome. Very cool.
Vanessa (16:34.478)
Some studies have found that 88 % of people will quit their New Year's resolution by the end of January. I was actually really surprised at that, but then again, I wasn't because I thought about myself and like how many times I've been like, yeah, I'm going to do whatever and I don't do it. So this topic I think is good, not just for people who are like trying to create New Year's resolution, but anytime you're trying to set a goal for yourself at any point, like I know Lauren, you're like, I don't usually do that. And I know a lot of people think like New Year's resolutions are silly and I have
Lauren (16:39.651)
Yeah.
Vanessa (17:04.226)
definitely been one of those people. But more recently, have been thinking, I feel like New Year's is a good time to just kind of think about, think, yeah, reflect. Like, what are some things that I want to change? And so maybe we can get away from calling it like my New Year's resolution and just think of it as a good time for like self-reflection. What are some things in your life that are like not working for you or that you want to change? So I like the concept of
Wilhelmina (17:13.188)
reflect.
Lauren (17:14.018)
Right, right, right.
Teri (17:27.165)
Mm-hmm.
Vanessa (17:31.896)
thinking about change in the new year and maybe not calling it a new year's resolution. So what are your thoughts on first, like why do people struggle to kind of keep the goals?
Lauren (17:33.976)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (17:42.821)
I think one of the biggest things that people do, wrong is maybe the wrong word, but they take off more than is like feasible possible. So maybe they haven't worked out at all, let's just say. And then they're like, in the new year, I'm gonna work out five days a week. And you're like, well, but have you been working out? No. Okay, maybe we start with like one day a week. Maybe we start with like.
Lauren (18:05.187)
right?
Lauren (18:08.942)
Right.
Wilhelmina (18:10.104)
two days a week. And so they just jump in all, like all the way and to something that is just unrealistic and not sustainable. That's like the biggest thing I see like over and over again.
Lauren (18:22.264)
Yep. I would agree with that. think that I was listening to somebody. You can't get away from like being on the TV or the radio or a podcast right now. Everybody's talking about this, right? It's like the hot topic within the last few weeks. But somebody was reminding me and I'm sure you guys have all heard this quote if you haven't. It's like worth reviewing. Bill Gates has something I think it's called Gates Law and it's people.
Vanessa (18:34.53)
Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren (18:50.41)
overestimate what they can get done in a year and underestimate what they can get done in 10. And it's kind of right where you're at, Wilhelmina, in terms of saying like they take on way more, but they also like, they just make it so big, right, that then if, I don't know, one day, one week, one hour doesn't go the way that they expected it to.
Wilhelmina (19:14.618)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lauren (19:15.62)
they are in that kind of time zone of, well, I thought I was gonna get this done in, whether you use a year like Bill Gates said it, but that was just kind of his frame of reference of like, in terms of developing a business, right? Overestimating what you can get done in a year, underestimating intent. Same idea of in that, so when we were talking about this topic in Quitters day was January 10th, it was like, whoa, that's so fast, but there's research behind how quickly.
Vanessa (19:40.813)
Yeah.
Lauren (19:42.66)
people fall off these resolutions or goals or whatever you want to call them. And I think that's got to be part of it. It's yes, not only it's they create something that's not sustainable, but they really overestimate what they can do right away. And so then they become discouraged.
Wilhelmina (19:57.599)
And I think they also think that change is just straight line linear and it's really like up and down, up and down, up and down. And ideally it's moving in the direction you want while it's going up and down. But like people have a down day and they're like, well, that's it. That's, that's it. I'm done. Like, yeah, yeah. Instead of like, okay, what did I learn from this and how can I apply that to the next day or, whatever.
Vanessa (19:57.655)
Absolutely.
Lauren (20:00.972)
Linear, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Lauren (20:08.344)
Yeah.
Lauren (20:11.864)
Right, right, right.
Vanessa (20:12.462)
Throw on the towel, yeah.
Lauren (20:17.816)
Yeah. Yeah.
Vanessa (20:18.732)
Yeah, when we were talking about, okay, I was just going to say when we were saying when we came up with the idea for this concept for this episode, I was looking up, you know, how like different strategies that people can use to goal set. And so I came across setting smart goals. So that's the acronym smart. So it's specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time bound. And so it taps on some of the things that you all mentioned about making it not such a big goal and really being able to to make it something that's realistic.
Teri (20:19.355)
When we were, yeah, go ahead.
Lauren (20:32.536)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (20:32.73)
Mm-hmm.
Vanessa (20:46.542)
And so I was thinking, so when I looked at this smart goal, was like, that's actually smart, pun intended. Yeah, so that's a good way to kind of remember it. But then I was thinking like, how do you, like, what does that actually mean? And so I looked up an example of like, how can you actually like, what do you mean by specific, obviously, like being exactly like, let's use weight loss. So I want to lose 10 pounds in three months. So that's my specific and measure it. So then you can track your weight, right? So that's how you're going to measure it.
Teri (20:51.539)
That's big in the business world, Mark Walsh. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (20:51.61)
Yep. Yep.
Lauren (20:53.6)
It, yes.
Vanessa (21:14.872)
how you're gonna achieve it is setting up your goal of like, I'm gonna go to the gym three times a week, right? And then making it relevant, right? So that's a big part of it is making sure that it makes sense. So like, why are you losing weight? Because I want to be healthy or, you know, I need to lower my cholesterol or whatever. And then making sure that it's got like a time. So I'm gonna achieve this by, like you said, like the 10 days, not the 365 days. I think that making smaller goals helps it be more achievable. Cause when you have that success, then you can say,
So instead of saying, like, I'm going to lose 30 pounds, you can say, I'm going to lose five. Right. And then once you achieve that, you can be like, now I'm going to lose five more pounds. Right. So making it more like tangible, like easier to achieve. Yep.
Lauren (21:54.52)
Yeah. Terry, you were going to say something?
Teri (21:57.095)
Well, yeah, so what I was thinking of is I, my practice is predominantly valuations now, but I do still carry a therapy caseload, primarily with teenagers and young adults. I have a lot of college age individuals I work with. And so we talk a lot about intentions and goal setting. And I know intentions is sort of the new buzzword that people use for goals and resolutions. I've very new manifesting and
Lauren (22:19.5)
Manifest. Manifesting. Yes, yes,
Vanessa (22:20.48)
Affirmation.
Wilhelmina (22:20.762)
Thank
Teri (22:25.171)
As I was prepping for this, what I talk about with the young adults I work with a lot is habit stacking. we know that folk, okay. And so focusing on habits as opposed to building habits and how to sustain those habits, as opposed to changing or creating new goals and saying, okay, this is a new thing I'm gonna add in. And when I was prepping for today, I came across, there was a meta analysis. This is from 1998. So keep that in mind.
Lauren (22:30.68)
Yes, I have that written down also.
Wilhelmina (22:31.258)
Hmm.
Lauren (22:51.618)
Okay. Okay.
Wilhelmina (22:53.494)
Okay.
Teri (22:54.181)
And for those who aren't aware of meta-analysis is when researchers really compile a whole series of research studies, do different statistical analyses and be able to have some key takeaways and results stemming from all of those research studies combined, looking at some of the same theories or questions. And it turns out that resolutions or intentions only predict actions that are done occasionally, like a flu shot.
So if it's an occasional behavior, like getting your flu shot scheduled, resolutions and goals work very well for those. But actions that are repeated regularly, like wearing a seatbelt, goals and resolutions actually aren't very predictive of adhering to that behavior. So you're really looking at creating, you have to form new habits, right? Because apparently there's different pathways, neural pathways that are involved in that, in terms of the sensory motor cortex. So what we're really looking at is habits.
Lauren (23:37.998)
You have to form the habit.
Wilhelmina (23:38.968)
Interesting.
Wilhelmina (23:50.884)
Mm-hmm.
Teri (23:50.957)
The phrase that I sometimes have shared with my patients is that environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior. So motivation tends to be overrated. We really have to talk about environment more and this habit stacking idea I love. So the phrase I often will say is after filling your current habit, fill in the blank, I will do fill in the new habit. Yeah, so build it, you know, if you can identify a current habit that you're already doing.
Lauren (24:01.688)
big time.
Lauren (24:10.84)
Yep. What's next? Yep.
Teri (24:18.503)
and then stack the new habit on top of that and make it much more attainable and realistic and just a part of your daily environment.
Lauren (24:18.776)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren (24:27.02)
In a similar way to what you're what you're touching on, Terry. So many of the people that I work with in my practice happen to be parents of kids that will kids and adolescents that are struggling with various different behaviors when I'm doing the therapeutic side of things. And one of the things I wrote down was bedtime routines. That comes up a lot. We've talked about this for various reasons in other episodes as well, but it comes up a lot for parents and they will say something like I want to have
Wilhelmina (24:46.042)
Hmm.
Lauren (24:56.896)
improved sleep habits at home. And I always say, I always follow that up with operationalize it. they often don't know what that means, often, right? What does that mean? And so to when, what does that look like? when, when I, and I have them go through in detail, they'll, I'll say, do you have a sleep routine? Do you have behaviors related to sleep? What do you guys do at night? It can be really difficult for people to walk through.
Teri (25:10.515)
What does that look like?
Lauren (25:25.89)
what they're already doing so that they can then stack on the thing that they actually want to ultimately get to that goal or more regular habit as Terry's referring to, which I think is a good way of looking at it is reframing what it is into a behavior that I want to turn into a habit. But the idea of it's difficult to identify and begin to develop these habits and then
stack them so that you have the next thing you want to do and the next thing you want to do if you don't even really know what it looks like that you want to achieve. Right. And so really I use the word operationalize all the time with people operationalize it. How do you make what it is that you want into something that you can actually achieve on a day to day basis. Right. So if it's they're going to the whole family is going to bed way too late and nobody's getting enough sleep. It's like OK we're going to move our bedtime back. OK. What does that look like.
what's your average? Let's just track your average bedtime. And then how about we start with 15 minutes? Because if you guys all say, we're going to move our bedtime back two hours, it's not going to happen. Which goes back to what Wilhelmina was saying, it's got to be sustainable, right? So these little, and Vanessa was saying these little chunks in terms of actually creating a habit that's meaningful and that you can then look at and say, I did it. I achieved that. Okay, what's next?
Vanessa (26:26.605)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (26:26.808)
Yeah. Yeah.
Teri (26:26.93)
Okay.
Wilhelmina (26:30.266)
and it worked.
Wilhelmina (26:46.235)
I think another big thing that I see, and I was listening to a podcast a while back that touched on this, if people make a goal or want to change something and it actually doesn't align with who they authentically are, then it's literally never going to land. so you can, I think the thing that pops into my head is I want my house to be neat.
Vanessa (27:04.376)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (27:14.842)
and orderly and like kind of calm. And if we talk about that and we talk about why do you want that, know, what does that look like operational or operationalize it. But sometimes it's, hey, if no one was coming to your house, would you care? And they go, oh, no, actually, I don't care that this and this and this and this. I'm like, so then maybe you don't actually mind it. You're doing it for
other reasons. You're doing it for other people. You're doing it for pressure from something else. Is that something you actually want for yourself or is that something you feel you should be doing? And when, yes. So when should's, yes.
Teri (27:52.285)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren (27:52.44)
The wants versus the shoulds.
Vanessa (27:54.538)
Well, it's like that intrinsic motivation. that's when you're really gonna, when it's the motivation is internal versus like something external is motivating you. That's when you're gonna be more likely to go forward with it.
Wilhelmina (28:02.478)
Yep, exactly.
Yeah, so if you
Lauren (28:06.798)
So, Alongwell, mean, your example there, that is something for me. I want a more organized home because I really value calm mornings. It sets us all up for a more successful day. I've seen it over and over again, so I've got my own data that I know this works for our family. And so that's a huge motivation for me that will last versus...
Vanessa (28:15.886)
Right. Right.
Teri (28:16.537)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren (28:32.9)
a more immediate motivation that's going to go away, right? Is this idea of like, there's something in there that I value. I have to identify why, what it is, what I want out of that. And then it's much more likely to sustain for me.
Vanessa (28:47.0)
Right, versus somebody who's like, I want my house to be organized because that's what I see other people doing online. Their houses look so whatever. Like that's gonna be much more challenging to be able to follow that if it's not because it's doing something internal for you that that's something that really is gonna help your day or you feel like you're being successful.
Wilhelmina (28:52.106)
on online or yeah.
Lauren (28:54.83)
No. Yep.
Lauren (29:01.358)
You
Wilhelmina (29:10.318)
Like I don't like, I always need a pile, like a little pile of like to do pile. And I need it visual because if it's the minute it is out of my sight, it is out of my mind. And so I would love to be the house that does not have piles at all. And I don't have a ton of piles, but I do have in like a central area in my office and then in the main area, like a pile that's like something I need to address, a bill I need to pay, a call I need to do, a check I need to deposit.
And I've tried to do other things, like put it in other places, put it away, put it, and it never works. Literally the minute I put it in a drawer, it is gone. I don't check back with it. So I've had to accept that I need a pile and I'm okay with that because that's what works for me. I try to keep, find ways to make it look as nice as I can, but I'm like, I'm never going to be the person that doesn't have something out because it won't work for me.
That took a lot because I really spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to hide it. And then I was like, that doesn't work for me. I need to have something out or it is gone.
Vanessa (30:08.974)
you
Lauren (30:11.246)
Right.
Lauren (30:15.268)
Well, and going back to what Terry said, I mean, that to me, that speaks to some sort of how you're neurologically wired. You need your visual learner. And if we're if we're trying to develop habits, that's learning. That's the process going on in our brain. Right. And so to take that away from you is just going to make it so much harder for you. And so understanding how you function is going to be really important in ensuring that whatever that habit, that goal, that new behavior is that your
Teri (30:21.693)
Hmm?
Wilhelmina (30:33.305)
Right.
Lauren (30:45.014)
attempting to form is consistent with who you are and what you need.
Teri (30:50.215)
there was a, something related to making things habitual and calm mornings because mornings in our household are not calm. And unfortunately, while some of it's my two kids, some of it's also our dog who is, I love her, but she can be such an asshole. And she just really, she is so disruptive. We've realized when the rare mornings, she's not there because
Lauren (30:57.316)
It's like always a goal.
Wilhelmina (30:58.294)
Hahaha
Wilhelmina (31:02.18)
you
Wilhelmina (31:06.938)
Mm.
Wilhelmina (31:10.97)
haha
Vanessa (31:12.526)
You
Teri (31:19.005)
she's at doggie daycare or we haven't picked her up yet from my nephew's house, whatever. Dan and I are like, she adds to the mix, the barking, the jumping, try to grab breakfast from the boys, them chasing each other and she starts chasing them. It's just the noise, barking for walks and we haven't had a chance to take her on a walk yet, et cetera. And Dan and I were watching a Dr. Becky parent video a couple of months ago and she said, I forgot what the topic was.
Lauren (31:29.695)
factor.
Teri (31:48.947)
And she said, oh, you should have a mantra every day. And one of her samples was calm is contagious. Dan, my husband jumped on it and goes, I'm putting that in my phone so that every morning when I wake up, there's an alert that says column is contagious. And he still has it. And now it's become sort of a joke, you know, as it's a little shit show in the morning. He's like, calm is calm is contagious. But he has said, he goes, honestly, I joke about it, but it's been really helpful.
Lauren (31:56.211)
yes.
Lauren (32:04.91)
I love that. You're screaming at each other.
Vanessa (32:08.155)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (32:09.946)
Calm is contagious. Calm is con-
Vanessa (32:13.41)
you
Lauren (32:17.828)
Mm-hmm. No, it really is. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Teri (32:18.343)
because it's just there, it's that visual, it's part of habit building, and it's having that mantra of calm is contagious. And if it didn't ding on his phone every morning, it would not, that wouldn't be front of mind for him, it'd be gone.
Vanessa (32:18.968)
Yeah. Yeah.
Vanessa (32:31.873)
Yeah. Well, I think writing out your goals can be incredibly helpful. I was watching some reel and there was a person that I follow and she was talking about how she creates these like vision boards. And, you know, I think at first it's like, okay, you know, vision board, you know, but then if you really think about it, maybe, maybe not a vision board for is for everybody, right? Like not everyone wants that, but just even writing out your goals. And I did that recently, you know, there was a couple of things that I felt like
Lauren (32:49.614)
There's, yeah.
Wilhelmina (32:52.696)
You
Vanessa (33:00.172)
I really wanted to change and they're not changing. And I'm thinking, okay, what can I do to kind of help myself? And so I did a lot of what we're talking about and I wrote it out. And so, you know, I was like, okay, this is my goal is X, Y, Z, be more specific. How can I? And I also read, you know, going back to revisit your goals. So like every night I would gone back and read my list and then have kind of said to myself, okay, how
Lauren (33:19.96)
Yeah, yep.
Wilhelmina (33:20.09)
Yes.
Vanessa (33:24.886)
Am I doing the things that I need to be doing to accomplish these goals that I have or changes, whatever you want to call them, and kind of where am I at with that? And there's days where I completely have failed in every way, shape, form, but then I give myself some grace and say, you know what? Tomorrow's a new day. Nobody can be perfect every day. You're going to have a bad day, and that's OK, and you kind of move on. And know, Wil, you mentioned that earlier, is that giving yourself some grace when you're
Lauren (33:38.68)
Yeah. Yeah.
Vanessa (33:54.178)
when you're setting up these expectations or changes or goals or however you want to call them to know that it's not going to be perfect every day and that's okay. Sometimes you're going to be on track and sometimes you're not. And I think the most important thing is to know that in advance and to know that you got a new start the next day and you can kind of just get back on track the next day and continue on with that goal or that change.
Lauren (34:01.805)
Right.
Lauren (34:18.244)
But to your point, visiting them, visiting those goals. So writing them down is a really, or a vision board. I mean, that's why people, yeah, we kind of laughed earlier about saying like manifest or affirmations or whatever, but there's a reason, there's science behind it. There's a reason it works. It's because some people, if you can see it on a long-term basis, certainly, but that day-to-day basis to remind yourself of like, why is this important to me? Why did I say I wanted to do this? One of my favorite,
Vanessa (34:20.109)
Yes.
Wilhelmina (34:20.142)
Yes.
Vanessa (34:27.394)
Yeah, but it's true. There is.
Teri (34:30.483)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren (34:46.154)
methods that I actually personally use daily, but I recommend to adults and older adolescents that I've diagnosed following an evaluation I've diagnosed with ADHD is the Ivy Lee method. Are you guys familiar with the Ivy? I love the Ivy Lee method. So Ivy Lee was a in the early 1900s. He was actually in public relations, but he developed this method through consulting. He was asked to consult
Teri (34:58.739)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (34:59.242)
you've told me about this. You've told me about this. Yes, it's awesome.
Lauren (35:15.076)
Charles Schwab asked him to consult on one of his companies. I believe it was like the Bethesda Railroad. So early 1900s, if you can like picture that time, Charles Schwab was actually, you know, obviously a huge businessman player at that time. And he wanted to increase productivity in his clients. Or I'm sorry, in his workers, employees, yeah.
Teri (35:35.313)
In place.
Lauren (35:38.14)
And Ivy Lee developed it right there. then after talking and meeting with the employees and seeing what was going on, why weren't they accomplishing the bigger goals that Charles wanted for the company, as well as their day-to-day tasks. And he developed this method, the Ivy Lee method. And the idea is that at the end of each day, now I do it every morning, because that's how I work. But if you want to do it at night before the next day, is writing down a max of six things.
Wilhelmina (36:05.419)
you
Lauren (36:05.646)
that you want to accomplish that next day, or for me, it's that day in the morning is when I write them. But anyway, and you don't go to two until you finish one, and you don't go to three until you finish two. Now, that works for goal setting and sort of those day-to-day goals if it's something to the effect of, you know, I wanna develop exercise as a habit, right? That's something you can cross off every day and say like,
Teri (36:17.86)
No.
Lauren (36:34.786)
Now, maybe one day it's the first thing you're doing, and the next day it's going to be the fifth thing you're doing, just depending on how your day plays out. But I really like that as a method because it helps you to prioritize. And so if you're looking at a day-to-day behavior that you want to create a habit or it's a goal of yours, being able to make sure that those are things that are happening every day for you helps so that it's not always that thing that you're kicking off to the last.
the next day, right? So if you don't actually finish five or six, for example, you're supposed to put it on to the next day. And then if you're never finishing those, it goes back to what Wilhelmina was saying, which is, is this actually something you want to do? Right? Because you keep kicking it off. So maybe this isn't a priority for you at this time. And that's okay, because now you have some data, you've reviewed your goals, like Vanessa was saying, you're looking at them and saying, hmm, maybe this isn't actually for me right now. But when it is something that it is important, having that
Vanessa (37:25.006)
Reassessing.
Lauren (37:33.732)
And I keep my list to six max and then go through them and prioritize. It's a great method.
Teri (37:40.199)
To piggyback on that, there's the acronym in the ADHD world. You guys are probably familiar with Ohio. Only handle it once, meaning whatever task you touch, you finish that all the way to completion before you pick up the next task, which can be really challenging. So if you open up your email, you finish the email and you hit send, because what we know is that it takes our brain often 10 to 15 minutes to actually get into a flow of whatever the task is in front of us.
Lauren (37:46.094)
Yep. Yep.
Finish it.
Lauren (37:56.164)
Yeah.
Vanessa (37:59.683)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (38:02.732)
Hmm
Lauren (38:06.649)
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Teri (38:09.949)
That is true for an ADHD or a non-ADHD brain. You really have to be in the zone. If you go to get your mail out of the mailbox and you start opening it, you touched the task. Finish opening your mail before you move to the next one. Way easier said than done, but Ohio is a big one. Because again, you're building those neural pathways. So the pathways that are traveled more often are more easily accessible. If those are not, they do, they become stronger over time and that's how you build habits.
Lauren (38:13.294)
for sure.
Lauren (38:21.4)
You started it.
Wilhelmina (38:21.892)
finish the task.
Wilhelmina (38:27.833)
Yes.
Lauren (38:27.981)
apps.
Lauren (38:31.63)
Right.
Right? They become stronger.
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (38:40.475)
There's a cool, I think it's not just an app. I think it's something that you can buy for your computer. They do have an app that goes along with whatever you have on your computer, but it's called SoonSama, S-U-N-S-A-M-A. I think that's it. It's such an unusual name that I'd actually have to double check, but I'm pretty sure that's it. it kind of piggybacks.
Lauren, on what you were saying, where you sit down and they say, ideally in the morning, and you like look at your day. So it actually syncs up with your calendar. It can sync up with your email and then it fills in for the day what you already have blocked. And then you put in your goals for the day of what you want to do, how you, and that you can make it specific. You can say a big goal and then break it into steps, whatever you need to do. And then,
how long do you think this is gonna take? And it actually has you like fill in your schedule. when you're looking at your day, it's actually like time blocked out to like everything. So even if you're like, I wanna have a coffee break and just relax a little bit and scroll, you'd actually like put that in there. And that's a great way if you're like trying to start something new, it's like, where do I fit this in to my schedule? Because if you're not making space for it,
Lauren (39:41.433)
Yeah.
Lauren (39:56.664)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Teri (39:57.032)
Mm-hmm.
Vanessa (39:57.217)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (40:01.029)
It's not just going to happen. You've actually got to put it into your day, put it into your schedule, and prioritize it. So I think I know I've liked that a lot because I sometimes have a billion things on my list. And then I'm like, I didn't get very much done. But when I actually look at it, I'm like, I actually did get a lot done. I just had too much stuff on it to get done. And Terry, to your point about the just handle it once, I sometimes think that
Lauren (40:02.488)
Right.
Lauren (40:17.441)
Right.
Lauren (40:22.681)
Right.
Vanessa (40:23.256)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (40:28.674)
I see these Instagram reels of a person doing a task in their house and they're like, look at this pen. I'll go put this away. look at this. Look at this. I was like, that is me walking through the house trying to be like, I'll put this away. look at this. I need to do this. And it's like.
Lauren (40:35.588)
Shiny object.
Vanessa (40:39.966)
Thank
Teri (40:44.765)
I suggest you actually say Ohio over and over in your head, which is what I do. I say only handle it once, only handle it once, only handle it once.
Lauren (40:48.151)
Yeah.
Wilhelmina (40:48.665)
I should.
Lauren (40:52.088)
Yep.
Wilhelmina (40:53.082)
It's
Vanessa (40:53.922)
So it's like, you got to write it down and you got to repeat it as well. I think another thing that I found that's helpful with goals, and I don't think this works for every goal, but is having an accountability partner, like somebody who can kind of, and so before I got pregnant with Ev, I worked out a lot, even throughout my entire pregnancy, I was at the gym all the time. And then after I had her,
Teri (40:56.349)
Yes.
Lauren (40:57.099)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (40:57.211)
it's so hard.
Wilhelmina (41:07.406)
Yes.
Vanessa (41:19.04)
It literally took me, so this is good information for anyone out there who is like, I just had a baby and I have not worked out in however long. It took me two years, two years to really get back into it. And I realized I wasn't going to go back to the gym because that just was not feasible for me, that I had to figure out something that was going to work for me at home. And so I started to do Beachbody, which I am not a Beachbody rep, OK?
Teri (41:44.337)
Well, I think they closed down too.
Lauren (41:44.708)
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Vanessa (41:47.68)
No, I think they're still going. I don't know. So anyway, I did those the workouts and they had like when you signed up for it, they had these accountability groups. And initially for me, I was like, this is silly. Like, am I really going to? And it absolutely was helpful at the time. So I, know, people would just go on there and post their workout. Like you just take a snap of yourself, post it. And then the other group would, you know, people in the group would be like, good job, thumbs up. And it just became.
Teri (41:49.074)
Okay. Anyways.
Vanessa (42:15.0)
part of my routine. So I would work out and then I would post it. And I did that for the longest time and I don't do it anymore. I'm not part of the group anymore and I don't do those workouts, but it definitely got me to the point where it's just habit. Now I wake up early in the morning, I go work out, but it was such a nice way to have, you know, accountability. So, you know, I didn't know these people, these people were strangers to me. They didn't know me, but it definitely was helpful. So I do think that there is something to having those.
types of strategies when you're trying to set a new goal is to have that accountability. Somebody else who's gonna say, good job or yeah, you did it. Just recognize that you did it. I think can be helpful.
Wilhelmina (42:53.157)
Well, that's what they say for like our episode last week about alcohol is, you know, if you are making a change to have a partner or to get involved with a group that will help you because just doing it on your own, not talking to people and trying to set that is really, really hard. And so with with something like that, it is to get your people around you to support you so you can support each other in that goal.
Vanessa (43:03.874)
sense.
Teri (43:15.187)
Mm-hmm.
Vanessa (43:19.288)
I don't know why it feels that goal setting is such an individual thing when I don't think it necessarily, right? Like you're thinking, this is my goal, I have to do this. Yeah. And I don't think that that always has to be the case and it shouldn't, you know, especially if reaching out and having supportive people can help you achieve your goal, it really shouldn't be, but it does. It just is like, this is my goal. This is my personal, yeah.
Lauren (43:23.99)
It does feel that way. Mm-hmm. Feels really private.
Lauren (43:41.604)
Well, because we're afraid to fail, right? And it makes us vulnerable if we tell somebody and then we don't do it and we're part of Quitters Day on January 10th, right? Then you're like, jeez-o-face, they didn't last very long, right? I think that it is so personal. And so then with that, it becomes personal if we're failing. It becomes personal if we were vulnerable to you. And then we're like, never mind, I'm not sending you my workouts anymore, right? It becomes something that...
Wilhelmina (43:43.352)
Yeah, yes.
Lauren (44:09.24)
I think it's hard for people to acknowledge and put out there in the world that they want for themselves. But again, I just keep circling back to some of the points that you guys have all made to Wilhelmina's point about saying, if you really want it, then having that accountability partner or putting it out there to your family, people that you're close to, hey, this is something that's important to me. It's something I'm trying. I just wanted to let you guys know, and I'll check back in with you. It can be a really nice way of doing it.
Vanessa (44:24.263)
Mm-hmm. Love you.
Wilhelmina (44:32.197)
Yeah, absolutely. My friend, Kate, hi Kate, I know she listens. She took a picture of her goals for the year and she sent it to myself and another friend. And one of them was, I'm gonna buy less coffees out. She actually had a specific number of how many coffees out for the whole year. She's a numbers person, so it came down to numbers. And we were like, wow, it's a very specific goal.
Vanessa (44:58.284)
It's a smart goal. Smart goal.
Lauren (44:59.81)
Yeah, that's very specific.
Wilhelmina (45:02.042)
But then like a couple days later, she took a picture of her coffee that she had brought from home at work and she's like, okay, I did it, you know, and so we were like, good for you, you know, if we were talking to her about it. And I was like, what, that's a great example of like, it's something that she reached out and just shared it. And then we were there to kind of like cheer her on. And, and yeah, I think it helped. And it's not like if she ends up buying more, we're going to be like,
Lauren (45:17.059)
Mm-hmm.
Wilhelmina (45:30.456)
you failed, you know, it's like, we're going to support her no matter what, you know, so way to go. So yeah, share it, you know, share it with others, get support, because guess what? They're going to support you either way. If they're your friends, your family, they're going to support you either way.
Lauren (45:31.268)
Way to go!
Lauren (45:44.068)
True. Yeah.
Vanessa (45:45.974)
Absolutely. Any other thoughts on today's topic?
Teri (45:52.281)
No, I think, yeah, think being present over perfect. And if you had abandoned your goals last Friday, today, whenever, you know, just, yeah, start again.
Lauren (45:52.548)
It's hard. Yeah.
Wilhelmina (45:54.554)
Okay.
Wilhelmina (45:58.041)
Yes.
Lauren (46:02.05)
You can start again.
Vanessa (46:03.298)
Yep, start again. Use one of the strategies we've mentioned today. Well, thank you for joining us. Please join us next time on The Shrinkdown.
Wilhelmina (46:03.674)
Yeah. Yeah.