Reconciliation

What is Prayer Resolution Course 2024?

Online Prayer Resolution Course by Mike Banker in 2024.

Mike: 00:00

So tonight, we're gonna talk about reconciliation. So this is, page 18 in your syllabus. And as an introduction, forgiveness is always possible. And what I mean is it takes only one person. It only takes 1 person to forgive.

Mike: 00:20

You have to decide whether you trust god enough, for justice or not. If you do trust him enough to do justice for you and believe it will be satisfying, then you can forgive. It doesn't require the other person at all. It's trusting god to do justice for you. So that's the forgiveness part.

Mike: 00:43

Reconciliation is not always possible. For example, it takes 2 people to reconcile. And if one doesn't want to reconcile, you can't be reconciled. Another aspect, sometimes it's not possible to reconcile. This man, he forgave his father, but his father has been dead for 10 years.

Mike: 01:13

And so he can't reconcile with his father, but he can forgive him. And so God will still do justice for him because with God, there's no time. And so that still can, be done. So reconciliation, you can see it as part of a process in healing a relationship that's gone bad. So this these two people, they had a good relationship.

Mike: 01:41

They had, goodwill, and they had peace in their relationship. But then something happened, and now they have enmity. They have their enemies. And so something's happened to rob them of the peace and the goodwill. And so reconciliation is what you need to restore a relationship.

Mike: 02:08

Reconciliation's part of that process. Forgiveness is part of that process also. So when I see use this word enmity, I'm talking about whatever makes you enemies. There's things that now make you enemies of each other, whereas before, you were just at peace, and you had goodwill with each other. So forgiveness comes before there's any possibility of reconciliation.

Mike: 02:39

Until we've forgiven, all we can do is react in various harmful ways. So, for example, my wife and I would have a fight, Maldon, and then we would go away. And then we would come back together, and we'd fight again and go away. And we'd come back together and fight again and go away. So why did it keep getting worse and worse like this?

Mike: 03:09

Because we tried to reconcile before we had forgiven each other. And so forgiveness comes before reconciliation. If you don't forgive, then you might ignore what happened. You might pretend it did not happen, or you might rewind that film and replay that what happened again again in your mind and all that pain and all that hurt and all that anger then gets deeper and deeper in your soul. And so forgiveness needs to come first, and only then can you really, truly reconcile.

Mike: 03:52

So with forgiveness comes the possibility of reconciliation, but it physically might not be possible because this person, I can't reach them or they've died, or it might not be very wise or prudent or safe to reconcile. And so just because we've forgiven doesn't mean that we will reconcile. We can look at scripture, and scripture talks about reconciliation. In Colossians 121, for example, it talks about a change in the personal character of the sinner, and it refers to this as, and and refers to this as bringing reconciliation with God. So in our relationship with God, there's 2 parties.

Mike: 04:49

There's us, and there's God. And through reconciliation, we cease to be enemies. And in Colossians, it says that there's a change in our personal character that causes us to no longer be enemies of God. In second Corinthians 520, Paul is talking to the Corinthians, and he says, be reconciled to God. And what he means by this is stop doing those things that make you an enemy of god.

Mike: 05:29

Change. So both Colossians 1 and second Corinthians are talking about a change in us, not a change in god, but a change in us. In Romans 510 and 11, it talks about God. It doesn't say that God should change, but it says that God gives us his friendship, that, it doesn't talk about any change in us. It's talking about God giving us his friendship.

Mike: 06:04

In 2nd Corinthians 518 and 19, it says that, God is the originator of reconciliation. God takes the initiative to reconcile with us. God, because God removes, God removes his wrath towards us, and he's only able to do that by having Jesus pay the price for our sin. His justice is served. Jesus pays for our sin.

Mike: 06:40

And so then we're restored to favor with God, and his wrath is gone. His wrath is gone. He has no wrath towards us when we put faith in Jesus. So just kind of a a side note here is all those verses in scripture that talk about God's wrath, none of them apply to us as his children. You may find believers who live in fear of God and his wrath, but as his children, there is no wrath for them.

Mike: 07:11

God's wrath has been satisfied, by Jesus. So none of those verses in the Bible apply to us as his children. He has no wrath for us. Ephesians 2 16, it talks about being restored to god's favor. It talks about his justice being satisfied.

Mike: 07:39

It talks about being favorable toward sinners, and that's all because of what Christ has done, for us. Not everyone is reconciled with God. God wants to be reconciled with them, but not everyone is reconciled with God. Not everybody, changes their character. Not everyone stops doing what makes them God's enemy.

Mike: 08:07

Not everyone trusts Jesus to remove God's wrath. Another way to say this is not everybody repents, and so they are not reconciled with God. God wants to be reconciled with everyone. He desires that no one perish, but he isn't reconciled with everyone because they don't, repent and trust Jesus to remove God's wrath. Yeah.

Mike: 08:37

Okay. K. Any questions so far on the and the scriptural insights in particular? Anything surprising to you or any questions related to no? Okay.

Mike: 08:50

Alright. We'll just continue then. Is so page 19, talks about real reconciliation. You could see reconciliation as acknowledging and dealing with the past. By dealing with the past, what I mean is acknowledging the hurt, acknowledging the loss, acknowledging the suffering of the past.

Mike: 09:18

You can also say reconciliation provides a means for justice, for healing. Sometimes there's restitution required and restoration of the relationship. In order to be truly reconciled, you have to acknowledge your part, your role in the conflict, and you have to accept it. You have to own it. You have to learn from what you did.

Mike: 09:49

And the whole goal here is to not repeat what you did before. That's what I mean by repentance is you're taking steps. You're taking actions to change, what you did that was wrong so that you won't repeat it. And that's true for both parties, both parties when it comes to reconciliation. So the word justice, for example, I trust God for justice in prayer.

Mike: 10:22

Sometimes there might be justice in the court. I may have to go to court because it's not just a sin against God, but a sin against, man, against the government. So pay unto God what is God's and unto Caesar what is Caesar's. So God may forgive me for murdering somebody, but the government might find me guilty, and I may be in prison paying the price for my for break for the crime I committed. So justice might involve both God's justice.

Mike: 11:00

It might also involve, court justice, the word healing. So this woman says to her husband, I forgive you for all these things you did to me, but I'm not moving back into the house with you until you go through drug rehabilitation. So there unlike forgiveness, reconciliation might have requirements placed on the other party, things they must do in order to be reconciled. Restitution. I forgive you, but I will not be your business partner anymore until you repay me all the money you stole.

Mike: 11:49

We can be friends, but we will not be business partners. We will not reconcile as business partners until you pay me back. So that could be an example of restitution that's required before it can be reconciled as business partners. Restitution can also come from a court. When you the court the judge said you have to pay me.

Mike: 12:21

That was 10 years ago. You still haven't paid me, so I will not be reconciled with you until you do what the court said you must do. So that'd be an example of, restitution. And restoration is just talking about the relationship. I'd have to do things to restore, the relationship to a right status.

Mike: 12:49

So you're trying to put right the wrong. In order to do that, people must acknowledge their part, accept and learn from it so that they don't repeat. That's the goal. So it's reconciliation is much different than forgiveness. Forgiveness happens in a moment, in an instant.

Mike: 13:11

And the moment that you trust God to do justice for you, and you believe it will be satisfying, forgiveness is done. But reconciliation is a process, and it takes time. So you're the first ones to hear this. I added the story of Joseph into this teaching on reconciliation because I think it's a great example. So, so let me just remind you the story of Joseph, and then I'll go through the points there, that are listed.

Mike: 13:42

K. So Joseph, he had brothers that hated him, because Jacob, their father, loved Joseph more. He favored him. Now Joseph also had a dream where his brothers, his mom, and dad would all bow down to him, So his brothers hated him even more. Now his brothers were shepherding flocks in the field, and his father sent Joseph to make sure everything was okay.

Mike: 14:13

And when the brothers saw him coming, they planned to kill him. But the oldest brother, Reuben, saved him. So the other brothers sold him to some traders, and then the the other brothers dipped Joseph's, tunic in blood and showed it to their father so they would think he would think that Joseph was dead. So this was very deceptive. Right?

Mike: 14:43

And when Jacob saw it, he tore his clothes, and he refused to be comforted. Now the traders, they sold Joseph to the captain of pharaoh's bodyguard in Egypt, but the lord was with Joseph. That's what it says. Everything he did succeeded. So later, Joseph, he told pharaoh both pharaoh what pharaoh's dream was and also its meaning.

Mike: 15:10

He said that 7 years of famine were coming because Joseph did this, miraculous thing, pharaoh made him 2nd in command of all of Egypt. There was a famine in the land, but there was grain in Egypt. So Jacob spent his 10 sons to go buy grain. Joseph saw his brothers, and he recognized them. But Joseph they did they did not recognize Joseph because Joseph disguised himself and spoke through a translator.

Mike: 15:47

He he didn't know he understood them. Joseph falsely accused his brothers of being spies. He put them in prison, and he held one of those brothers hostage in prison until the other brothers returned with his younger brother Benjamin. Joseph gave them the grain that they bought, but then he put their money back in their bags so it would look like they were stealing it. And the brothers returned to their father, and they came back to Joseph with Benjamin.

Mike: 16:24

So at this time, Joseph reveals who he is and promises to care for his brothers. He hugs and he weeps with his younger brother Benjamin. Then the brothers go back to Jacob and bring him to Egypt. And Jacob sees his son, Joseph, before he dies. Now after Jacob dies, the brothers are afraid that Joseph will has a grudge and that he's going to kill them.

Mike: 16:58

But Joseph says, am I in God's place? So if there's any justice gonna be done for Joseph, it's gonna be done by God. And God has used the sin of these brothers, to do something good. Yeah. Alright.

Mike: 17:16

So that's the story of Joseph. So if we look on page 19 there then is you can see clearly that Joseph has been wronged. They sold him into slavery and told Jacob father his father that he was killed by wild animals. Can also see in this story, unforgiveness. Joseph had forgotten his past until his brothers arrived, But when Joseph sees them, he hasn't forgiven them.

Mike: 17:47

He speaks harshly. He falsely accuses them. He swears an oath against them in pharaoh's name. He puts them in prison. He threatens their lives.

Mike: 17:59

He lords his power over them, so he hasn't forgiven him yet. Joseph also acknowledges the loss, the great loss. He weeps on 5 different occasions. He also acknowledges the wrong. The brothers, he Joseph overhears his brothers admitting their sin.

Mike: 18:26

Joseph also the brothers also acknowledged they're wrong, through their message in, chapter 50, And the brothers directly acknowledge their sin by falling down before Joseph and begging for mercy. So, yeah, you can also see forgiveness in this passage. When he threw his brothers in prison, he changed his mind because he fears God, and so he let them out of prison. And when they return with Benjamin, he lets them leave again without any further punishment. And after his father's death, he says, am I god?

Mike: 19:10

And, in response to the question whether he would kill them. And then finally, if we took look at reconciliation in this passage. When they first met, he first met his brothers, Joseph didn't trust them. He hid as identity and used a translator even though he could understand. He tested their words to see if they were true.

Mike: 19:33

He kept the hostage to make sure they returned. And after they returned, he tested the protection of Benjamin, and Judah, the brother who had sold them, protects his younger brother. Joseph reconciles. So there's a process that they go through to reconcile. It doesn't happen in a moment.

Mike: 19:54

Trust is restored over a period of time. It's not just words. He sees actions from his his brothers that, show that they have changed. And so, anyway, I think Joseph is a great story. So if you have time, it's long.

Mike: 20:13

Joseph is chapter 37 through 50 at Genesis. But just focus on Joseph and his brothers. You you don't have to read all the other things about Joseph. Just focus on that that relationship. Yeah.

Mike: 20:29

Okay. So the all of these things I talked about, this justice, healing, restitution, restoration, acknowledging the past, accepting it, learning from it, not repeating, all those things, I think, exist in the story of Joseph. So Okay. Funny. I think you took the right page here.

Mike: 20:49

Alright. So page 20 then is, reconciliation is a choice, not an obligation. You have forgiven them, but you don't have to reconcile with them. It's a choice. Now God himself is the example we wanna follow because we're his children.

Mike: 21:09

God himself self sought ways to be reconciled to us. So we wanna be reconciled to those around us. And as the ideal, we see reconciliation is possible, and we also see it as a process. But god himself isn't reconciled with everyone. He wants to be, but they must turn towards him and away from their enmity.

Mike: 21:36

They have to repent, and that's the same concept for us. They have to stop doing what made us enemies in the first place. So reconciliation is a possibility. Once we forgive, we open the door to reconciliation, but we don't have to go through it. We might wrongly think that forgiving means we must be reconciled to them.

Mike: 22:03

We must trust them, and we must relate to them in the future. So reconciliation cannot take place. True reconciliation cannot take place if the others continue to deny or excuse their behavior or if they redefine their actions as minor. A onetime offense is much different than a pattern of offense, and the nature of the wrongdoing also matters. For example, being molested sexually is much different than stealing.

Mike: 22:41

And yet stealing many times over time is is different than stealing also. So there's a lot of things that go into, reconciliation, and some of these offenses are it's very hard to forgive them, and it's also very difficult to reconcile. Now reconciliation doesn't mean that you automatically trust them now. Lot of people say, oh, well, you forgave me. So how come you don't trust me?

Mike: 23:15

These are 2 different things. I don't have a grudge against you anymore, but I don't trust you yet. It takes time to restore trust. It can be a very, very slow process, and their words aren't enough. We wanna see a change in attitude, and we wanna see a change in their actions over time.

Mike: 23:41

So the day after the wife forgave the husband, he says, you don't trust me. Well, you were nice to me yesterday. You didn't say anything bad to me. You didn't hit me. But let's see how it goes, you know, the next few days.

Mike: 24:01

In other words, it's gonna take time for this trust to build back up. And so she wants to see a change in his attitude, not getting angry, easily at her and not hitting her or yelling at her. She wants to see that happen over time, not just one day, but many days. And as she sees that, then her trust will will grow. So reconciliation is a process, and and it includes building trust.

Mike: 24:34

And building trust takes time. It doesn't happen in a day. We might want it to happen in a day, but it doesn't. It just doesn't. It takes 2 to be reconciled.

Mike: 24:47

We must see clear evidence that the other person is trying to change. If we're unsure of their actions if we're unsure if we feel unsure about their actions, we need to ask ourselves why. Do I feel like they're what they're doing or saying is that they're it's not real? They're faking it? Do I feel their actions are very shallow and very short term?

Mike: 25:19

If we don't trust their sincerity, then the process of reconciliation is not going to happen. So, like, there's a switch that, okay, You've apologized. You've asked for forgiveness. You've taken responsibility for the wrong that you did, and you say you wanna change, we have to accept that. When they say, I wanna change, we have to accept that and watch and listen to see if they really do.

Mike: 25:50

We can't say things like, oh, he'll never change. If we have this kinda attitude towards them, then reconciliation is not gonna happen. We have to give them a chance. We can't. If we're trying to reconcile, we have to give them a chance.

Mike: 26:08

So reconciliation then is this process of restoring this relationship where you take it from an atmosphere of being enemies to a relationship that's characterized by peace and goodwill. Or another way to say it is you're helping 2 enemies become friends again. So forgiveness is a choice, but to trust is a process. Forgiveness is a choice. To reconcile is a process.

Mike: 26:43

So to truly trust somebody, we must feel confident that they will not harm me or betray me again, and that takes time. Now our emotions towards them, they can help us in the process of reconciliation, or they can hinder. If we're really close to somebody emotionally and then they wrong us, our sense of betrayal will be very strong. The issue is what we do with that sense of betrayal. Do we hang on to it?

Mike: 27:20

It can get in the way. Or do we ask God's help to get rid of it so that we can be reconciled? Sometimes this event that caused us became enemies is no surprise because the relationship has been flawed from the very beginning. And so this also will affect whether they become reconciled or not. So in forgiveness, it doesn't matter what the other person's doing.

Mike: 27:52

Forgiveness is praying to God and trusting him for justice, but reconciliation is much different than that. Whether I reconcile with them depends on their attitude and their action. The person that's wronged me, it depends on their attitude and their action. If I'm the one that's wronged them, it can also depend on my attitude and my action. See, it takes 2 people to reconcile.

Mike: 28:26

They both have to do their part or you can't be reconciled. You can say you're reconciled. So how many paper marriages are there? You know, where the husband and the wife, they still live in the same apartment, but they live in separate rooms. They never talk to each other.

Mike: 28:42

They never do anything together. And they say they're husband and wife. But are they? They're not reconciled as husband and wife. It's a paper marriage.

Mike: 28:52

They don't have a real marriage. So people can say they're reconciled. People can say they're husband and wife, but it may not be true. And they're not honoring God by the way they're living as a husband and wife. This is not God's definition of a husband and wife to live in separate rooms and never do anything together, not even talk to each other?

Mike: 29:13

It's a paper marriage. Real reconciliation. Both parties have to have the right attitude and change their behavior, their actions, their words. They have to accept responsibility for their part, whatever that part is. And now it takes 2 to be reconciled.

Mike: 29:34

So if I'm seeking reconciliation, that means I'm willing to take the risk of getting hurt again. I think the best Bible verse that shows this is the verse that talks about turning the other cheek. In the Old Testament, if somebody smoked you, somebody hit you on the cheek, you're supposed to hit them back. That's what it says in the Old Testament. But in the New Testament, Jesus said if somebody hits you on the cheek, turn the other one also.

Mike: 30:06

So Jesus is talking about reconciliation. He's talking about putting yourself back in a place where you might get hurt again. How can I turn the other cheek? Well, I only think it's possible is if I forgive them first, then I could turn the other cheek. Now this passage, though, in scripture is not talking about a wife that's being abused by her husband, for example, that she has to turn the other cheek, that she has to allow him to abuse her again.

Mike: 30:39

It's talking about something that's reasonable. That's not reasonable for her to put her life at risk. It's not reasonable to force her to put her life at risk. He's talking about reasonable things. They hurt you.

Mike: 30:54

You forgive them. Attempt to be reconciled, but recognize you might get hit again. Could happen. Does happen. Now the one that goes and tries to be reconciled is acting like their heavenly father.

Mike: 31:12

In a lot of situations, the one that goes to be reconciled feels like it's wrong. I shouldn't do this. They hurt me. Why should I do this? But when you do, you are acting like your heavenly father.

Mike: 31:28

It's honorable. It's commendable. It's not shameful to go to be reconciled. So just remind yourself, I'm acting like my heavenly father. I'm taking the initiative to be reconciled, but you might get you might get hurt again.

Mike: 31:48

It's possible. There's no guarantee that you won't be hurt again. But what you're doing is is honorable. It's not shame. There's a passage that says, if you're at the altar offering a to go to him and be reconciled and then come back to the altar.

Mike: 32:15

So, apparently, trying to reconcile is more important to God than a sacrifice. But, again, God doesn't require us to reconcile when it's not safe or to reconcile when it's not possible because they're dead or there's no way to contact them. It's important, though, to recognize reconciliation is two sided. Both people should benefit from being reconciled, not just one. This should be a win win kind of situation for for both parties.

Mike: 32:51

Page 22. So 2 people that they had peace, they had goodwill, but now they're enemies. They might hesitate to reconcile. Why? K.

Mike: 33:04

Well, one reason is I know I had a part in this, and I don't wanna acknowledge it. And so I just choose not to reconcile. Another reason is we might feel pressured to reconcile, and we don't wanna make a quick for forgiveness and a quick reconciliation because it's too shallow. It's not meaningful. Maybe we need time to absorb what happened, time to process what happened, time to acknowledge our loss and our suffering before we're ready to reconcile.

Mike: 33:47

Even before we're ready to forgive, we may need some time to forgive. We don't want to just say forgive because somebody told us to. We want to mean it. And so we need to we may need to process it before we're ready. We might also hesitate for good reasons.

Mike: 34:08

We might doubt their sincerity. For example, this husband, he, yelled at his wife today, and she accused and forgave him before God. And he did the same. And then he can then he said, please forgive me. Said that to her, meaning, I want to start over.

Mike: 34:32

But then he did it again the the next day and did the same thing, asked her to forgive him on day 2, Ask them to forgive her give him on day 3. Ask them again on day 4. Well, she might doubt his sincerity. You say, forgive me, but it doesn't seem like you're repenting. You're not stopping this behavior, not turning away from this behavior.

Mike: 34:57

You say you ask god for forgiveness, but you're not turning away from what you did, and you're just doing it again. I don't I don't believe you when you say, I'm sorry. So there can be a reason, why we hesitate to reconcile because, they're not sincere in what they say. But if we wait too long to reconcile, then, you know, if you wait too long, friends can become strangers, and family members can become like their dead. They lose their meaning to us.

Mike: 35:38

And so waiting too long can also be a problem. So we may need to hesitate, but we shouldn't hesitate too long. We might hesitate because we need some rules for reconciliation. You might need restitution first. You might they might need to pay something.

Mike: 36:01

They might need to go to drug rehab, or they might have to get a job. So one sister, her husband, she worked 3 jobs, and her husband didn't work at all. So maybe in that kind of situation, she says, okay. I'll reconcile after you get a job and after you keep it for a year. He should be working, not just her.

Mike: 36:27

Right? So there might be some conditions for the reconciliation. The point here is that, usually, talk is not enough. You need to see a change in attitude and a change in behavior. Reconciliation is a process, and it takes time.

Mike: 36:48

But during that process, they might lapse. They might do it again. Whatever was harmful, they might do it again. He said that he would control his tongue, that he wouldn't yell at me anymore. And for 7 days, he didn't yell at me.

Mike: 37:10

That's the longest he's ever got. But he didn't yell at me for 7 days. But on day 8, he yelled at me again. So what did he do when he yelled at you? Well, he immediately said, I'm sorry.

Mike: 37:23

I I know that I shouldn't yell at you. I was wrong to do this. Forgive me. So were his words enough? No.

Mike: 37:35

So what did you do while I watched to see what he does did tomorrow? And tomorrow the next day, he didn't yell at me, and for 7 more or 8 days, he didn't yell at me. So this we would call a lapse. He'd lapsed, but he took responsibility, and he went back to work guarding his tongue. And so that might happen.

Mike: 37:58

There might be a lapse, but the overall trend is good. So then you can continue in that situation. But now some things aren't lapses. K. You used to be get drunk and beat me every night.

Mike: 38:14

And, the last three times, I had to go to the hospital. And he, didn't drink for 8 days. And then on day 8, he drank, and he beat me, and I'm in the hospital again. Okay? Well, you have to keep yourself safe, and so you might need to separate from him in order to be safe.

Mike: 38:36

And this is a much more serious thing if, you know, if she's getting beaten. I'm I I don't mean just physically. There can also be emotional abuse that's very severe. So I'm just using that as an example. So that might not be a lapse.

Mike: 38:53

It's like, that's it. I'm done. And she leaves, and they're separated because she made it clear that you cannot beat me anymore, and you cannot drink anymore, and he did. That's a different situation. Even though this person that's wronged you has become your enemy, Jesus says we should pray for our enemies.

Mike: 39:16

Who wants to pray for their enemies? But Jesus says we should pray for our enemies, and when we do, our attitude towards them can change, and we can seek their good. And out of this, sometimes reconciliation will come. We should at least pray for enemies. Now when we pray, I mean, pray for their goodwill.

Mike: 39:41

Don't pray, okay. I hope my wife's dog dies. I hope that her car is stolen, and I her hope her house burns down. That's not the kind of prayer that I'm talking about. I'm talking about a prayer that's for their goodwill, for their well-being, even though your they're your enemy praying for their good.

Mike: 40:06

It's useful to know that they might hesitate and useful to know why they're hesitating, so you should ask them. If they hesitate to reconcile, ask them why. And, probably, it's one of these things on the list. Okay. So page 23, reconciliation can be resisted.

Mike: 40:28

So you had a fight with your sister, and, after 10 years, you've forgiven her. And for 3 years now, you've been trying to reconcile with her, but she refuses. So she's resisting reconciliation. So sometimes we just have to give up to give up the idea that we're getting that we can be reconciled. We just have to give it up.

Mike: 40:59

We've tried, and we've tried long enough. And they don't wanna be reconciled, so we have to just give it up. Stop trying to be reconciled. By giving up or stepping back, and they'll have to decide whether they wanna do something. But sometimes we have to stop pressing them to be reconciled because they don't wanna.

Mike: 41:24

So we have to give up the sense of obligation that I must be reconciled with them. You want to be reconciled. You've tried, and you've tried, and you've tried. And, I don't have to be reconciled. I want to be, but they don't wanna be.

Mike: 41:43

I'm gonna stop chasing them. So this woman was married to this man, and, they got a divorce. And afterwards, she went through PR and dealt with all her stuff, and then she wanted to be reconciled to him. She tried for a year. She tried for another year.

Mike: 42:08

Tried for a 3rd year. Didn't wanna be reconciled. And then he got married to somebody else, so she should give up this idea that she must be reconciled with him. He he she should have this tie cut between them because he's married to someone else now. And he doesn't want a relationship with her, so he should just cut it.

Mike: 42:30

Right? That's what we're talking about. We can't make people accept us or love us. We can't make people accept us or love us. Even if we've done our part and ask for forgiveness for what we did, there still might be a wall between us.

Mike: 42:51

And when that happens, we just have to stop and go on with our life, give up the idea that we must give be reconciled. Give it up. K. Reconciliation can be limited. So there was a family and a mother and a father and 2 daughters, And the father, the father tried to touch his daughter sexually.

Mike: 43:24

He tried. He didn't actually touch her at all, but he tried. And because of this, he was rejected by the daughter. K. After the father, confessed and asked for forgiveness before God and after the daughter accused and forgave him before God, they had a relationship again as a father and a daughter, but she never allowed him to touch her in any way.

Mike: 43:57

So she couldn't he couldn't hug her as a daughter, for example. So we could say that this reconciliation was limited. They were father and daughter now, but he was never allowed to touch her again. And so that that was the rule that she set for the relationship. Now so the father was very repentant for what he did, but there still was a wall between him and his daughter when it came to physical touch, and it remained there.

Mike: 44:31

Now can God resolve that? Maybe someday, but it's not resolved right now. So I could say as it's a limited reconciliation. They are father and daughter. She calls him father.

Mike: 44:46

She, cares for him like a father. He cares for her like a daughter, but he cannot touch her. And that's, the rule in that relationship. So we can't fix every relationship. We can only do take responsibility for our part.

Mike: 45:08

We can't fix the other person's part. We can only fix our part. And sometimes the wrongs that we do have long term consequences like this. We can't fix their part. We can only fix our part.

Mike: 45:27

We don't get to get to decide what they change. We only get to decide what we change. Another example, this couple divorced, and they were both angry at each other at the time. After they went through prayer resolution, they realized that they never should have gotten married. You could say that it was a marriage of friends rather than lovers.

Mike: 45:54

They didn't have the steep affection for each other. So in the sessions, they forgave each other, and they were reconciled. They were reconciled as friends. They were not reconciled as husband and wife. And so this is another example of reconciliation that's that's limited.

Mike: 46:18

Page 24, it can be selective. Reconciliation can be selective. And what we mean is that they they've forgiven each other and they are reconciled, but their relationship is different than before. It's much more narrow than before. So this woman, she was very angry at her husband, very bitter towards him.

Mike: 46:42

She accused him. She forgave him. And part of the process was she prayed and asked God to cut the tie with him because he was remarried. They were divorced, and he was remarried. So she asked to cut the tie.

Mike: 47:02

She didn't ask God to cut the tie between them as father and mother to their children. There's 2 different ties. They have a they have a relationship with each other as husband wife, but they also have a relationship as mother father. Those are 2 different relationships. So when they divorced, they cut the husband and wife relationship.

Mike: 47:29

They did not cut the the mother father. They still are responsible before god to be a mother and a father to those children. So when her husband would come over to pick up the boys, she would open the door and immediately felt angry at him. But after she forgave him in his role as the husband, when he came that day to get the boys and open the door, she was not angry anymore. And so he was just the father of her children, not her husband, and so she was not angry at him anymore.

Mike: 48:09

So she had a change in her attitude. So over time, they became friendly with each other. They didn't become friends, but they were friendly towards each other. They treated each other, kindly. And so this is what we mean by reconciliation that's that's selective.

Mike: 48:30

A lot of marriages, they divorce, and they stop being a father or stop being a mother also. How sad that poor child is suffers then even more. They divorce, and they the child suffers. And now they fight with each other constantly, and he suffers even more. And, some children come to the point they say, I can hardly wait until I'm old enough so I can leave this place and never come back again.

Mike: 49:05

And they're talking about all this anger and bitterness between their parents. And yet it didn't have to be that way. They cut the tie as a husband and wife. They could have respected the tie as a mother and father and acted kindly in it towards their kids. It makes it a lot easier, though, if they go before God and forgive their spouse and ask them to cut the tie as husband, wife.

Mike: 49:35

That'll make it a lot easier to do this. So alright. So can be selective. It can also be unwise. Reconciliation can be unwise.

Mike: 49:49

Sometimes we need to separate instead of being reconciled. We need to separate in order to be safe. We need to separate so for our own welfare. When we do this, we need to consider, though before we separate, we need to consider what are the benefits if we do not reconcile. So, for example, the husband's an abuser.

Mike: 50:17

So the benefit is that by being part, a wife can have peace and safety that she needs. And so this is the kind of discussion as a safe helper that you should, have with them before they separate. Just be clear of what the benefits. Why are you doing this? So a woman with her 2 children, she left her husband because he was physically abusive.

Mike: 50:43

She went to church for counsel, and they told her to return to him and submit to him. That guidance was unwise. Reconcili is not possible or, wise when we have to be unsafe or endangered. Reconciliation, doesn't require us to give up our identity of who we are. In some of these cases of separation, in the US, you have to get a restraining order to prevent the husband from coming back to the house.

Mike: 51:22

But in and there's a place for that. In other countries, they don't have restraining orders, but they can call the police. And even if the police do nothing, the husband doesn't want the neighbors to know, and so it can also help. Oftentimes, it can help. And in some extreme cases, they might have to leave the city that they live in and go to another city or to another state.

Mike: 51:55

In one case, this Chinese woman, she left her city and went to another city, but he followed her. So then she left, and she went to Australia. And now she's safe because he can't get, a visa to follow her. And so some extreme cases, they have to do something like this to to be safe. Sometimes as a safe helper, we might have to help them find a place to go so they can be safe.

Mike: 52:28

I personally think the church should help in this kind of situation, but oftentimes, they don't. One sister in in China, I found a a nun, a Catholic nun, who ran a safe house. Of course, it was a secret safe house. Nobody knew where it was because it would get shut down. And so the sister I sent the sister to her, and she provided a safe place for Rue to hide, to be safe.

Mike: 53:03

So sometimes we may need they need to find someplace safe, and sometimes we may need to help them find that. So this woman, she came for a session. What happened to her is horrible. I told her that you need to forgive. Forgiveness pulls the knife out.

Mike: 53:21

And she said, but what if the flesh has grown around the knife? It's too painful. Ask God to prevent prevent the pain from getting in the way of your healing. So she prayed that. So she accused her husband of all these horrible things, and she forgave him.

Mike: 53:42

She handed him over to god. But when she first came into the session, she was hysterical. She had just gotten out of the hospital, and she went back to the church. And her sister said, well, you know, you have to go back to him. He's your husband.

Mike: 54:01

To go back to him would put her life at risk for sure. So she was hysterical. She was crying uncontrollably. And I looked at her, and I said, look at me. You don't have to go back to him.

Mike: 54:17

I will stand before God responsible for telling you, you do not have to go back to him. It was only then that she calmed down enough that we could deal with this man's wickedness and treachery. So there are situations where it's very unwise for them to go back, and there's usually a lot of emotions involved in those situations. Now I don't normally stand before god and say, I will be responsible. I don't usually do that in a session, but it has happened a couple times because I felt that God directed me directed me to do that.

Mike: 54:56

Yeah. So you should recognize that there are these situations where it's really unwise to reconcile. It's not safe. So just kind of a summary there, the final comment. Sometimes we can overlook another person's actions.

Mike: 55:16

We can just overlook it, and so it doesn't go any further. There's also such a thing as being too thin skin so that we're offended at the slightest action. We can also be so thick skinned that we never notice the harm that we are bringing to others. What we want to achieve is we want to become slow to anger, quick to forgive, but in the right way. We wanna become outward focused, not just on our self, but on others.

Mike: 55:52

We wanna look out for the welfare of others. So sometimes, we should overlook a fault. Sometimes, we should confront them. That knowing what to do is a question of wisdom. There's not one fixed answer in all of this.

Mike: 56:10

So you really need to include god and pray about these things to give you wisdom when you make these kind of decisions. The heavenly father is pleased when there's reconciliation, when there's peace, but that peace should never be at the expense of our well-being. And it should not be at the expense of the well-being of the other person. Reconciliation should be good for both people. It's a win win situation.

Mike: 56:44

So somebody can do something that's offensive, and they do that to you. You can choose not to be offended sometimes. But if they do it to you and you're angry, it's too late to say, I'm not offended. You need to accuse and forgive them. But sometimes you can you can just overlook it.

Mike: 57:10

But there's other things in your life you're not able to overlook it, and you feel very hurt. So you have to deal with that with forgiveness. In true reconciliation, both parties benefit. Both people benefit. That's good for both of them, not just for one of