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Unashamed Unafraid is a show dedicated to being unashamed about sexual addiction recovery and unafraid of coming unto Christ for healing. Pornography and sexual addiction are not something you are stuck with to manage your whole life. We share real stories of recovery, the best resources, information from experts, and answer anonymous questions with those who know. All to help you on the path of being 100% healed from pornography and sexual addiction.
sam: welcome to another episode
of Unashamed, Not Afraid.
We are unashamed of sexual
addiction recovery and unafraid
of coming unto Christ for healing.
We had some , pre-recording antics from
our friend James, who has taken the audio
engineer seat for the first time in his
long career here at Unashamed, Not Afraid.
Thank you, James.
chris: He did a great job.
Well, we'll see if it records.
sam: That's true.
chris: So this is Austin.
So Austin's jumping in on this, and, and
Austin, You, You t- were talking with
Sam about some really cool things that
you do where you write letters to God.
austin: Mm-hmm.
chris: I would love for you to tell
all of our listeners about it, because
I wanna issue the challenge, 'cause I
love, obviously, issuing challenges.
austin: For the past six months I've
had just this, this little journal
that I take with me everywhere.
Um, except for today.
I left it in my other car.
However, I've got this little journal
that I just keep with me at all
times, and they're my prayers to God.
, It started out more as just me writing
out my thoughts and my feelings about my
recovery, when I started about six months
ago, and I started realizing that just
writing wasn't enough, and that I needed
it to be directed to someone or something.
And so, , I started writing to God,
and like, I'd start each one out
with, "Dear God," and then I'd just
write everything that's in my mind.
Unfiltered, unashamed, unafraid,
just the messy, gross everything.
but it's Been beautiful.
It's , become like this documentation
of my recovery, and everything that's
led up to it, and everything that's been
going on over the past little while.
But it has absolutely, transformed my
relationship with God, and has allowed me
to start to find the God that loves me,
and God Started talking back to me, which
was so foreign, and mind-blowing that
God cared enough to respond to my chicken
scratch of a letter that I wrote out in
a moment of panic and fear and pain, and-
sam: This wasn't like Harry
Potter with , Tom Riddle's diary-
was it?
That's exactly
austin: what it was.
He says, "That's the way it was.
I don't know if I wanna
write these letters."
No, just whether it be a feeling,
a prompting, whatever you wanna call
it, somebody reaching out to me, the
things that I started writing about
and asking God about, and my needs
to God for, started manifesting in
my life through the people around me.
My wife and I started communicating
way better, and just people in my
life, you for instance, popped up at
the exact moments that I needed them,
and giving me the things that I needed
to find God and become closer to him.
I mean, just so many times I can open
a page and point to it and be like,
"This thing that I said here, I can
tell you exactly when God answered it."
And that's over six months of writing.
He answers.
Heck yeah.
He answers.
Who could believe that when you
talk to God, he will answer you-
Yeah ⦠it's a crazy thought.
And what, what has that
done for your sobriety?
Um, blew it out of the water.
I'm about four months sober,
um, somewhere within that range.
The last time I've gotten this
far in sobriety was, I think I
was about 17 um- Heck yeah ⦠and
so it's been, it's been huge
. chris: So here's my Challenge to
y'all, if you haven't done it,
try it and see if that works.
Start writing those letters to God.
And we'd love to hear about it, so
email us and let us know what your
experience is like with writing these
letters to God, and see if God talks back
sam: This is a perfect segue into
this episode because . This led
Austin into kind of this conversation
with God that like, "Hey, well,
what do you want me to do?"
Like, what, what- Oh,
austin: that's
sam: right ⦠what-
' chris: Cause you did say that.
sam: Yes.
No, yeah.
What's
chris: yourâ¦
Just, dude, tell us the story.
austin: No, yeah.
So
chris: God started talking
back to you and said-
austin: Yeah ⦠"This
chris: is what I want you to do."
austin: So yeah, God starts talking back
to me, and one of the things that I had
written at this kind of point in myâ¦
This is honestly, like, a month ago.
I'm just writing and just saying, like,
"I'm at a good point in my recovery.
, I've learned to trust God, and now
I'm finding the God that loves me."
And I'm like, "I want more.
I want more of our relationship.
I wanna be stronger.
I wanna be more the son
that you want me to be."
I'm like, "What do I need to do?
What do you need from me?"
And He called me out into deeper waters.
" And He's like, "Get a poster board.
Write, 'I'm a porn addict in recovery.
Ask me anything.'
And
go to Utah Valley
University and sit there."
And
chris: UVU, just for those people that
know, UVU is actually one of the largest
schools,, large colleges in Utah.
austin: Am I- I
chris: think am I
austin: right?
I don't know.
It is.
Yeah, so I sat on that.
You know, I was like, "Holy
crap, that's, that's crazy."
I'm like, "That is a crazy thing
to do, to put myself out there like
that, to be that vulnerable, to be
that unashamed, to be that unafraid
in my recovery and my sobriety.
Um, that's crazy."
But I was like, "Okay," you know.
So, and it wasn't like an immediate thing.
I sat on it.
I sat on it- Yeah,
okay ⦠for like a month.
But I was like, told my wife about
it, and she was like all on board and
everything, but I kept on dragging
my feet and dragging my feet.
And I talked to God even more.
Like several times in the
shower I'm talking to God.
I'm just like, you know, "What can I do?
Like, what, what can I
do to be closer to you?"
And He's like, "I already told you."
And I'm like you know, and just- Fine.
Yeah, kind of s- but still,
sat on it and sat on it.
And then about the day before I
went and did it, this one I actually
wrote, but I was just like, "Whatâ¦
Like, why do you want me to do this?
Like, what, what is the purpose of this?"
And the answer that I got was just
God said like, "I want this done."
"⦠and I would like you to do it, but I will
have somebody else do it if you don't."
And I'm like, "Okay, I'll do it."
So I
went to UVU and sat there for
three hours, and not a soul
talked to me for the three hours.
I had some people look at me.
You know, they'd, they'd nod.
They'd give me a smile.
Lots of people would, like, read the
sign and then, like, quickly look
away and pretend they didn't see it.
Um, but then- I don't have a
chris: problem.
Speaker 2: What are you
austin: What are you talking about?
Um-
chris: Well, sucks to be you, Mr.
Addict.
austin: Yeah.
But, like, so- There we go.
My cutoff t- my cutoff time was 5:00.
That's when I was like, "I'll be done.
I'll go home."
But 5:00 came, and I'm
like, "I'm feeling good.
And I was just like, "I'll, I'll
stay for another 30 minutes."
I'm like, "I'm fine with that.
I can stay for another 30."
And so 5:25 hits, five minutes before
I'm gonna wrap up, and this kid
walks past me, stops, reads my sign,
and he goes, "Is this your sign?"
I'm like, "Yeah.
Yeah, this is mine."
chris: No, I'm just holding onto it
Speaker 2: hold on.
chris: like
Speaker 2: Here's your
Speaker: sign.
It's yours
austin: It's yours now.
But he was just like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Yeah, this is my sign."
And he, he sat down and we talked
for 20 minutes, and he just
told me, he was just likeâ¦
He's like, "Yeah, you know, I get
in these relationships, I can't tell
if it's me lusting after them or
if it's me genuinely liking them."
He's like, you know, just talking
about all this stuff, and I was kinda
like, "Dude," like, "you're saying
that, and all I'm hearing you say is-"
I don't feel like I am allowed to be
loved because I have an addiction.
chris: Mm.
austin: I'm like, "You're carrying-
Yeah ⦠a bunch of shame."
And he just stopped and he's like, "Whoa."
He's like, "That's, that's crazy."
He's like, "That's exactly how I feel."
And we talk some more, and we
kinda get to the end of it, and
he was just like, "I just don't
have anyone to talk to about this.
Like, I just, I'm alone."
And I was like, "Dude,
you're not alone anymore."
So I gave him my number, expecting
nothing from it, and you know, he
texted me a few days later and was
just like, "Can we please go out
to lunch and just talk some more?"
I'm like, "Dude."
Frick yeah, dude.
Yeah.
chris: That's so sick.
austin: Yeah.
I'm like, so three hours,
hundreds of people pass me, one
kid, and it was beautiful, but
he could've never talked to me.
I could've had an, s- a, not a single
soul speak to me that entire time, and I
still would've counted this as a success,.
Because, one, I was doing this
because I truly believe that God asked
me to do it, and that is the main
motivator behind it, but two, I'm at
a point in my recovery where I know
how powerful it is to be vulnerable.
I know how powerful it is to be unashamed
and unafraid, and I know that there are
so many people who feel like they are
completely alone in their addiction.
And just for me to sit there for
three hours and just show people
like, "Hey, you're not alone."
Yeah.
"Here I am.
I'm here exposing myself, putting
my heart on the line for you so that
you can know that you are not alone
in this addiction," and I would've
been completely content with that.
But then I got this really
amazing experience with this kid,
um, and that was just at UVU.
Uh, I told Sam about it, and he was-
sam: Yeah, little- ⦠little, little
did Austin know that I had, I had just
prayed a few nights before we were
gonna go out to dinner, me, him, and
Mason, just for some brotherhood time.
I was like, " "God,
I have this really cool
platform Unashamed Unafraid.
I think can change a lot of people's
lives, but we're underutilizing it.
I need your guidance to help me understand
where we can go to reach more people and
I need you to introduce me to people.
I, I prayed this w- like almost word
for word, "I need you to introduce
me to people who will help me to
understand what that looks like."
I'm not joking, this
actually happened, okay?
So we go to dinner, and
I'll let you finish that.
austin: We go to dinner, and Sam
just brought up, or he was just like,
"Yeah, I'm, you know, I'm just trying
to figure out ways to get this out."
And I was like, "I've got
something crazy for you."
Heck yeah.
I'm like, "You wanna hear
what I've been up to?"
And I told him, and he was
just like, "That's the wildest
thing I've ever heard."
And usually, the response that I've been
getting from people, I tell people in
recovery, and they're like, the way they
say is like, "The ball's on you, kid."
They're like, "That's crazy."
See, I'm like- Like, "That's so cool"
I wanna go with you,
man.
I wanna go and do it.
sam: Well, for me it wasn't like
oh, like, God revealed,, some,
some long-term plan that He had
laid out and where this would lead.
But it was very just simply
like, " This is an opportunity.
Pay attention, please."
And I felt so excited, and so we did it.
Austin went to UVU the next day.
I didn't go with him that day,
but the, the following weekend,
we went down to Salt Lake City.
Yeah.
And we took that sign, and we took
two camp chairs, and we sat on
a corner right across from City
Creek Mall, and we held that sign.
And w- we had been sitting down for
10 seconds when this guy comes up,
busting around the corner, and he goes,
" No way!
me too!
I've been clean for 30 days."
Didn't even stop to chat,
Speaker: just block him
sam: just walked along.
Yeah.
And I was like, " This is gonna go well."
I
chris: freaking love
sam: it.
So for the next two hours- Two hours,
austin: yeah
⦠sam: we sat there, and
person by person came by.
Some people kinda giggled, 'cause
they, I think they honestly
couldn't believe that we were being,
like, that vulnerable about it.
They were kinda like, "Oh,
wow, you guys are, whoa."
Yeah.
" Nice."
Like, "Okay."
A- and some people just looked and,
and walked past, but probably had
eight or nine people come up and
have genuine conversations with us.
Some of them lasted almost 15 minutes.
and my heart was so alive that whole time.
I had so many incredibly authentic
interactions with complete strangers.
Most of them expressed, like, gratitude
and awe that we would be that open,
and it was so, it was so healing.
austin: Yeah
sam: What was it like for you,?
dude?
austin: absolutely mind-blowing,
especially being at UVU, where I was
expecting kind of the same thing, of
just like, we might get one person,
maybe one person, and then the first 10
seconds, we have that guy, which is wild.
But, my heart was alive.
. My soul was on fire.
Just being there and talking with people,
having the real genuine conversations,
letting people know that they're not
alone, letting people know that it's
okay to talk about your addiction.
And, like, what we were doing,
more on the extreme end, but-
sam: For sure.
For sure it was
⦠austin: but you can talk about it.
Yeah.
You don't have to be ashamed.
You don't have to be afraid.
That it's okay to not be okay.
chris: What I, what I love about it is
that you guys are you're de-shaming it.
And what you guys did, going out
there, putting that sign, is you
just created safety for someone
to share their heart with you.
sam: Yes.
Thatâ¦
People wanna talk about it so badly.
chris: And they're so damn scared because-
sam: Yeah
⦠chris: of the shame, and it's not safe.
sam: But when given the opportunity,
They will in a heartbeat.
i felt like crying the whole way
home, and I just had this buzz.
And it, and also, like, me and Austin
don't really know each other that well.
. We've spent a total- ⦠of about three
, four hours together at this point.
austin: Yeah.
sam: And I think we both would say,
like, we feel such an unreal connection.
Like, we already know we're gonna
be long-term friends, because, like,
there was just this, this feeling
of, like, unity brotherhood and
togetherness fighting for a common cause
⦠It was really, really special.
chris: I totally know what you're
feeling, because this is almost the same
conversation we had, I'm pointing to
James right now, that, that me, James,
and Steven had when we left UCAP, Utah
Coalition Against Pornography, literally
almost eight years ago to the day,
right now that we're recording this.
And we're like, "We need
to do something more."
We need to make this a movement.
We need to make this bigger.
Because this is so much bigger
than us, and we need to be able
to create this space for people
to know that there's hope.
They can live unashamed, live
unafraid, and live in recovery,
and change their lives."
So fricking awesome.
Love what God is doing with you,
and where He's taking you in this.
It's so sick.
sam: The beginning of an adventure.
austin: Absolutely.
Yeah, definitely not the last
time we're gonna be doing that.
Um-
sam: Yeah, we enjoyed it so much that we,
like, talked about it on the way home.
We're like, "Should we just do this,
like, every two weeks for brotherhood?"
Speaker: Let's just
sam: Just, like- There you go ⦠we
need to, like, laminate this sign
so it doesn't get, torn up and
just- Let's just d- I don'tâ¦
I'll drive next time.
Speaker 2: time.
It was,
austin: It was.
Well, and just for context,
what, what would you say was
the most common question we got?
'Cause it, the sign
said, "Ask me anything."
" sam: Ask me anything."
The most common question we got was,
"What kind of porn do you watch?"
austin: Always, that was- People
sam: were asking that.
austin: That was the first question-
And- ⦠we'd get asked every time
I think one person was
sam: like- That, interesting.
austin: I never would've thought that
⦠sam: I th- I'm not sure why
they asked that question.
But, this Was my answer.
I was like, "I watch types of porn that
portray women who are highly affirming of
men , because that does something for me.
It makes me feel like I'm safe because
I never really got that growing up."
That's what I told them,
and they were like-
"Oh, that makes a ton of sense.
Thank you for sharing."
Yeah.
Speaker 2: I did
sam: They did not expect it, But
I was like, , if we're gonna sit
here we're gonna do some real talk.
Like, this is what it's actually like,
and this is why I keep going back
to it, and I'm not ashamed of that.
I'm healing."
austin: I can talk to a complete stranger
about how sober I am and what kind of
porn I watch and where I am in that
and everything, but it's like I'm still
terrified to talk to my wife when- Mm
I relapse.
Yeah.
Or when I'm anything like that, and I'm
like, "W- where does that even come in?"
Like, why can I talk to all
these strangers but i'm still
terrified to talk to my wife.
sam: Yeah.
austin: Like-
sam: Yeah, and I'm in the same position.
It's
chris: crazy.
What, what's cool though is
that, that you're going out and
providing hope for somebody.
Yeah.
Yes.
Just like I just did a keynote up in
Washington, and people were coming up to
me after, and they're like, "The things
you were talking about, like, holy crap."
"He's saying this in
front of all these people?
Are you kidding me?
Like, he's for real?
He's, like, saying all those things?"
They're like, "My heart
was dropping for you."
You know?
And that wasn't just
one person that said it.
It was, like, multiple
people that said that.
They're like, "We were dying."
But what you're doing is providing hope.
sam: Yeah.
chris: And that's beautiful.
sam: And that's my
chris: thought is like- That is
sam: just
chris: God showing up
⦠sam: if we can go and we can do this in
a way that's dignified and transparent-
chris: Yep
sam: like, why would people
not wanna follow us into that?
Now, I don't want anyone to come
away from this episode thinking,
" eventually, when I get far enough
in recovery, I've gotta get one of
those signs and go out to Salt Lake."
Guys, there are, millions of men and women
who have recovered from sexual addiction
who have not done this, but the- Yeah
point, the point- And they're not open
chris: like we are.
sam: The point is that this is
the next step in recovery for us.
We feel called to it.
. We feel like we're making an impact,
that's what recovery is all about.
however,
, If you're interested in getting
involved, shoot me an email,
Sam at Unashamedunafraid.com
chris: Heck yeah.
Agreed.
sam: guys, thanks for watching.
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