Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Where the sexual and spiritual come together. Sex and relationship coach and vaginal weight lifter Kim Anami gives you the sex education and orgasms you never had. www.kimanami.com
Become Unfuckwithable
I always say that one of the hallmarks of becoming a well-fucked woman—or a well-fucked man—is that you reach the pinnacle stage of not giving a fuck what anyone thinks of you.
You have such clarity in your own truth, AND the confidence to act upon it in your life, that you give zero fucks about what anyone thinks about you.
You aren’t TRYING not to care.
You just DON’T care.
You are so propelled by your own mission and truth in life, that the approval—or disapproval—of undefucked bystanders means nothing to you.
In fact, you don’t even notice it.
It pings off you like mosquitoes hitting an electric light.
YOUR light becomes so bright that it burns anyone who comes too close with less than good intentions.
**
Over the years, as I’ve taken a few controversial stands and held my ground publicly on some incendiary topics, in the face of thousands—tens of thousands even—of rabid, underfucked, foaming-at-the-mouth orcs running at me, screaming and grunting, threatening to kill me.
Literally.
People ask me how I’ve handled the negativity and the trolls.
Fuck ‘em!
Literally, they need to get fucked.
And metaphorically, of course.
***
The last few years have been interesting to watch how many people—or rather, how few people—have stood up in the face of unpopular opinion and backlash.
And—the much greater number of people who bent over and took it up the ass in a public gangbang of humiliation; a giant bukkake party where they got jiz squirted into every orifice and just lay there handing bottles of lube to everyone in line.
What I noticed about the people who were loyal to their own truth, their integrity, their voice—whatever the cost—is how their lives transformed.
They held fast in the face of battalions of underfucked orcs charging at them and they said:
FUCK YOU.
This is my story and I’m sticking with it.
This is my truth and I’m sticking with it.
The act of being loyal to my truth and not caving because a bunch of dipshits tried to bully me, is more important to my self-worth, my values, and my relationship to all that is right in the world, than being intimidated by a gang of dumb fucks.
Newsflash: you can only “cancel” yourself.
Some of these people may have gone through a temporary upheaval as their old lives collapsed around them.
And then a new one began to build, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, elevating them to a higher level of consciousness in themselves and their entire lives.
They saw changes they couldn’t have even dreamed of, bringing them into a new dimension of reality and abundance.
I see these challenges as spiritual tests.
The fear of disapproval is an illusion, but I get it: When thousands of snorting, wretched, maggot-ridden underfucked orcs are drooling bile and coming running at you, it’s shocking at first.
Like all the forces of hell were summoned to take a run at you.
And then, you realize that most of them are simply hired WHO-res from the local brothel.
And the rest of them are NPCs, - Non-player-characters—just like the orcs in LOTR.
As in: soulless, moronic, developmentally retarded, low-IQ dipshit, failed evolutionary experiments, bred only for their ability to take orders and follow blindly.
Really?
You want the respect of these idiots who can’t even think an intelligent thought that hasn’t been thoroughly programmed into them?
These beings are weak AI bots at best. Weaponized thugs to help enforce agendas.
The single best tool I know for attaining that place of unfuckwithabilty is through regular and thorough fucking OF yourself.
On your own.
With a partner.
It all counts.
When you give yourself ALL the fucks, you have no fucks left to give.
All of your fucks are directed to the right place: you and your partner.
That’s it.
That’s the magic secret.
WHY is this?
Your sexual energy is your life-force energy.
Your sexual energy is the truth and core of who you are.
When you begin inhabiting and wearing that energy, it becomes like a forcefield around you, that protects you and deflects those not worthy.
They ping off of you.
It’s a shield that makes you impenetrable to all but the most worthy sperm and worthy humans
When you are tapping into it and consciously using it for healing, rejuvenation and the creation of your life, everything you touch is elevated.
From your relationship, to your health, to your body and weight, to you career and cash flow, to the behaviour of your children.
YOU are the epicentre from which everything flows in your life.
Well—specifically your genitals are that epicentre.
The eternal Fountain of Life and Youth.
The Well-F**ked All Stars I interview here are on the podcast are living testament to show you how the changes you make IN your bed and sex life translate into radical shifts in your outer life.
In today’s all star interview with Sara, we talk about how she faced one of the most challenging crossroads there is: leaving a relationship with someone you still love, but know it’s time to go.
She had all the very real and socially acceptable excuses of why not to act.
And more than most people do.
That’s another thing being well-fucked and unfuckwithable gives you:
Courage.
Well-F**ked All Star Interview:
Sara Intonato All Star interview
KIM: Hi, Sara. Welcome to the Well-F**ked Woman All Star series.
SARA: Thank you so much for having me.
KIM: Let’s hear about your journey in terms of where you started. Sometimes people say to us, “Do you just get people who are really stuck and having problems?” I answer, “No, we actually get people who say they have a pretty good sex life to begin with, and then they learn that there’s so much more they didn’t know.”
I love that you said that you felt like on a scale of 1 to 10, you were already a 9 … And now you’re a 1,000. Tell us about this evolution. What does it mean to be a 1,000, and what was the journey to get there?
SARA: What 1,000 means to me is having complete confidence that not only can I have all these different types of orgasms with my partner, but also, I can be responsible for pleasuring myself. You said some of your most well-fucked periods have been when you were alone. That gave me an enormous amount of confidence. I got to know myself on a different level. I got to really connect to my personal power on a different level.
I joked with a friend who also did the salon with me that I felt I came in sort of backward. I came in as a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, meaning I could have a lot of these orgasms already, and I felt very sexually open and free. I gave birth to my children at home. I really felt like I owned a lot of my feminine power.
At the same time, I noticed things in my life that felt backward. I would look at my sexuality and think, “Well, if this is all working out, why do I still feel stuck in my business and my revenue? And why is my marriage kind of messy and not making progress and without the healing that I know is needed there? Why do I feel stifled in these areas of life, which I know are really important to me? How can sex be working out, but these other areas of life not be?”
That was a big question. I think that’s ultimately what brought me to the salon, because I followed your work and listened to your podcast for years. For a long time, I felt like I didn’t belong there because I could have G-spot orgasms, no problem. “So it must not be for me.”
But as I listened more, I kept hearing you talk about your vaginal power meaning more success and cash flow in your life, in your relationship. I kept hearing you talk about conscious monogamy as being the thing that really elevates your partnership. And you said the partnership was the thing that elevates your life. I would look at that and think, “Well, those dots aren’t connecting for me. I’m going to go in here and see if there is any work for me to do that can heal that.”
I’ve been a devoted spiritual practitioner for 20-plus years. I’ve doubled down on personal growth and coaching. One of my children has autism, so I tripled down on healing after that. I’m the leader of healing for my family.
And I still felt like there was something missing. Truly, your work was the thing that finally brought it all together.
KIM: That’s really self-aware, and I appreciate that you had that self-reflection and honesty to look at things and say, “Okay, if these parts are in line, but these other areas …” Because I’m always saying that what shows up in bed shows up in life, and what shows up in life shows up in bed. And yeah, our sexual energy and connection are such a vital part of who we are. If they are really firing on all cylinders, our life will be firing on all cylinders.
So yes, if that link seems to be broken in some way, then the question would be, okay, so why is this not happening? I love that you were willing to look at that.
What was the process as you entered the salon to see what areas weren’t linking up, and how did you link them up to then see those shifts in your outer life?
SARA: Well, it all started with one of your best podcast episodes. It’s a shorter one—I think it’s only 12 minutes—and it’s the “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” episode. As I mentioned before, one of my children has autism. His diagnosis was a really traumatic event in my marital life 12 years ago. I, being a spiritual practitioner, doubled down on my healing, and my husband, who is an amazing man, sort of froze at that time, and he just wasn’t able to or didn’t choose to move forward in his own healing journey. I think he was so shocked.
When I say autism, my son is a non-speaker, so that was not an avenue of parenting you ever anticipate taking in your life.
There have been many months, many years, in which I’ve said to my husband, “Hey, babe, we have such amazing chemistry. Imagine how amazing our connection would be if we were both doing our own healing. If we were both doing our own growth.” And he just wasn’t ready to cross that line. He would sort of stop and start sometimes, but I always knew it was more to please me than to really help himself. There’s a big distinction there.
For many years, it was maddening because we have such deep love, such deep sexual chemistry—we’ve always had that—and yet daily life felt toxic. It felt frustrating.
I listened to that episode over and over again. And I really absorbed that idea of how, if you’re inviting someone to grow with you and they’re not taking that invitation, you can withdraw your invitation and just go focus on yourself.
That’s really what I decided to do when I signed up. I thought, “Okay, I can’t control anyone else. I can’t control him. I can only control myself. I’m going to go live my most powerful fucking life, and that’s going to be that.” I got very excited to do that because I think for a long time I felt like I had to wait for him so we could go live that life together.
KIM: Which makes sense if you’re in a partnership, right? That’s the whole point.
You want to be taking steps together and progressing at the same pace. That is the point.
SARA: Right. I hit a point where I thought, I’m worthy of living this powerful, beautiful, gallop into the sunset life, even if that is by myself. That wasn’t what I wanted, but I was in a place of acceptance that that might be it, so I was just going to stop being afraid and go do that thing. That’s how I ended up signing up. I think I signed up in the last couple of hours of enrollment because I said, “All right, I’m doing this now. I’m ready.”
As soon as we started getting into the content, I knew it was the right choice for me. I started seeing those dots that hadn’t been connecting for years in my life—they started to connect in the first week. Even just by working on myself with that moment of decision, things had already started to change. It was really powerful.
KIM: I love that. I find that a lot. What’s that Goethe quote? The moment that you make that decision, all the forces of heaven and earth line up to help support you in your path. You don’t even have to cross the finish line; you just need to have started the race.
SARA: Right. For sure.
KIM: Yeah. So what were some of those things that weren’t connecting for you, and then how did they shift? You said that you already had these different kinds of orgasms. Did anything shift with that through going through the salon material?
SARA: Yeah. One of the really powerful things that I noticed right away was how the salon encouraged you to really get to know yourself. It encouraged you to take the pressure off giving yourself orgasms and just get to know yourself. You said if we had orgasms in the process, great, but we shouldn’t make it a race to the orgasm finish line.
I think that really stood out to me as being important. Though I had never had a problem having orgasms, I would always reach for the vibrator or whatever toy was around. I’d never really taken the time to give myself a yoni massage or do yoni gazing exercises to warm myself up and connect to that energy. It always felt rushed, and it never felt exploratory.
I remember thinking, “This is really fascinating. Here I am, someone who has been doing personal growth for a long time, and this feels like the first time I’m really getting to know myself and spending time with myself intimately.” It was the first time I was able to give myself G-spot orgasms without a vibrator, using just my hands. I’d never even tried that before because I’d always just assumed that I couldn’t, or it would be challenging. That felt like I was unlocking a whole level of energetic connection I had been missing out on for a really long time.
You talked about how our mentality was, “If you want to masturbate, this is how you do it. You get a vibrator and you just kind of lie there. You have a clitoral orgasm, and you pass out.”
It hadn’t really been a conscious process to enliven energy until that point. But as soon as it did, I started seeing my confidence start to light up. I started getting business opportunities falling into my lap that first week, and they were opportunities that brought me a lot of joy. It felt fun and playful, and I felt like that was the missing link in my business.
I had been doing things. I’d had success, but I hadn’t felt that spark of delight in quite some time. All of a sudden, all of that started rushing back into my life. And it’s been there ever since. It has been the most joyful thing to be doing work that I love, and it is so much fun.
KIM: Because we’re talking about self-knowledge here. Is there more specific elaboration you could do around your journey of self-discovery in that realm? You talked about yoni gazing and yoni massage. How was that an integral piece in your journey of self-discovery?
SARA: It was an integral piece for me in thinking and realizing that I’m worthy of taking the time and energy. That alone, taking the time and energy to get to know myself on a deeper level was profound, regardless of the outcome. I think that in our instant gratification culture in the world now, sex had become, without me even realizing it, outcome-based. Get in there for your self-pleasuring and have an orgasm. It felt very results-oriented, which it shouldn’t. It’s an exploratory process.
By simply taking that time and energy back and saying, “I’m going to just gaze at my yoni and get to know myself today. I’m going to give myself a yoni massage and take that time” … It sounds so simple, but it felt like an act of worthiness in saying, “I don’t need to race against the clock to get things done.” I think certainly when you’re busy parenting and working and living a very full life, you can start to look at the clock and feel that time pressure sometimes.
For me, these practices were a chance to untangle myself from the time pressure that so many people impose on their lives and say, “No, I’m worthy of however much time it takes to get to know myself. Because my connection with myself is going to make everything else in my life better.”
And they are more straightforward practices than some of the more intricate ones, but that act of reclaiming the time and energy for yourself was very powerful for me. I was very aware of it. Isn’t it interesting that if someone had said, “Take an hour and go run some errands” before, I probably would’ve said, “Okay”? But if someone said, “Take an hour and yoni gaze,” I’d have said, “What? I don’t know if I can do that for an hour.” It’s about really sinking into that discomfort and saying, “Well, this is important, and I’m just going to lean into this being different.” It was a powerful exercise for me, and I was really thankful for it, because it forced me to see things in myself that had become patterns I didn’t really want anymore. It gave me a reason to opt into different ones.
KIM: What a beautiful metaphor. By seeing into yourself and getting to know yourself, you got more clarity of your truth overall and then took these actions out in the world. Beautiful.
So you said the financial piece really opened up for you too?
SARA: Yeah. My revenue tripled that first month and it’s been that way ever since. I don’t want to say I didn’t do anything, because I did, but only now am I starting to get even more intentional around creating more of that. Because it was just magnetic. Things just kept finding me. I didn’t even have to go looking for them.
It really felt like nudges from the universe saying, “See? Now that you’re really taking the time to connect to yourself, we’re going to meet you and bring all of this energy back to you, but you had to open it up first.” That was a recurring theme I noticed throughout the whole salon. I had to be the one to say, “I’m going to do this now. Make that decision. I’m going to take the time to do these practices. I’m worthy of that time and energy. I’m worthy of doing things that make me feel confident and joyful.” And then, as I really stood firm and claimed that, that’s when all the magnetism kept getting stronger and stronger. But I had to be the one to put it there first.
It’s sort of like that analogy that you can sit home and eat bon-bons and hope that Oprah discovers you, or you can just go out and create that yourself. And I felt like all the practices helped to get that energy going, which was wonderful.
KIM: Right. Yeah, excellent. What happened, would you say, in your relationship then? Because in “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” what I talk about is that yes, you issue the invitation to your partner, but if they don’t accept it, you carry on. You withdraw your energy and carry forward on your own. It doesn’t mean you leave the relationship right away, but you focus on yourself.
Then as you focus on yourself, you get clarity based on the growth that you’re having of, “Okay, will this work? Will it not work?” And the other partner sees and feels changes in you. They are intrigued, and they start to think, “Oh, now I kind of would like to come on this journey with you.” Or not.
What happened in that situation for you?
SARA: Well, I noticed that as I felt more powerful, successful, and confident throughout the salon, I started to feel much more buoyed on my relationship path. Because I was really able to see, “I’m worthy of a partnership that is a priority from both sides. I don’t want to be the only one making it a priority.”
I think that there are some challenges in the personal growth industry because people—and I think I fell prey to this for a long time—get so in the habit of trying to fix things.
I’m a lifelong learner, so I’ll always be learning and growing, but I think the relationship piece, that was almost dangerous, because I kept thinking, “Well, if this isn’t working, there must be something else that I’m not seeing to help him or to help us together. There must be something more that I can do.”
Through really connecting to my own personal power, I was able to see, “You’ve actually done enough, Sara, and you can’t be responsible for another human’s journey. If they’re not willing to be responsible for themselves, you can’t drag them over the finish line.”
As I felt more confident, more successful, and more worthy, I continued to have conversations with my husband and said, “Hey, this is really helping me. Do you want to go further down this path together? Imagine how great our relationship could be if we were both doing this work, not just me.” And what was really challenging was that he would always agree. He would always say, “Yeah, you’re right,” but he wouldn’t take action.
I think he sincerely wanted to. I think he sincerely struggled. It was really intense for me because now there’s a lot of evidence around ADHD being a trauma response, and he was diagnosed with ADHD only recently as an adult. I think a lot of people in the Western medicine world would tell him, “This is just how you are; you can’t implement things. You have trouble following through. You’re going to struggle with these changes.” And he bought into that. So he would use that as a reason not to take action and create change.
We did that probably for almost the entire salon. I would do my healing work. He would notice the changes in me. He would say, “Wow, this stuff is like witchcraft. It really works.” Yet he wouldn’t help himself. Those patterns that he was bringing to the relationship were still there, and they were still really challenging and not healthy for me.
Before the salon was over, I said, “Listen, I have tried everything to invite you on this journey with me, to help you heal and help you be happy in yourself. I can’t do that for you. That’s an inside job. You’re not taking action, and your words are not matching up with your choices. So at this point, I’m out.” I actually filed for divorce, and I let him know that I was going to do it. I don’t think he took it seriously.
I actually gave him paperwork and said, “We’re done now. There’s no anger here. I love you. But I’m worthy of more in my life. I’m not going to be part of these toxic patterns anymore.”
I think that was a real shock to him, even though I had talked about it several times prior. It shouldn’t have been a shock. Ultimately, it was me saying,
“I’m okay with or without you. I’m worthy of having a healthy partnership in which both people come to the relationship healed and wanting to communicate and wanting to make it a priority because it’s the thing that’s going to help them in every other area of life. That’s what I want, and that’s what I know I’m worthy of now. And I’m totally fine having that with myself for the time being, if that’s where it is.”
Then something interesting happened. I backed away. I took space. He started to realize that he didn’t want to lose what we had together. You talk about how if you’ve lost chemistry, you can reignite it, but you can’t put chemistry someplace it never was. We always had really amazing chemistry. I truly think that was the thing that kept us together as long as it did.
And as he was digesting this big life change that I’d initiated, he was talking with some relatives of his and they said, “We’re realizing that what you have with Sara is actually really rare. Most people we know don’t have chemistry like that. If you can grow together, why wouldn’t you? This is worth saving.”
He came around, and I was still kind of hanging out in my own energetic area and just focusing on myself. But I’m really thrilled to see that he’s now feeling worthy of his own healing. He’s doing the work that he’s needed to do for a long time. He’s not just doing it to please me. He’s doing it to help himself. He’s taking it seriously.
I’m sitting here talking about it in the span of a few minutes, but it took me months to feel courageous enough to do something.
I think it’s probably easy to be that powerful and divorce someone who you’re kind of done with. But when it’s someone you really love and you want to be with, who you still want to be with … It felt like the edgiest thing I had ever done in my entire life. I had to really be ready, and I don’t think I would’ve been without all the practices in the salon helping me to connect to who I truly am and the power that I truly have.
I don’t think I would be in this place now of feeling happy and unattached to the outcome of whether my husband stays on his healing journey or doesn’t. I’m okay regardless, and we’ll have a great relationship in whatever capacity it’s supposed to be, even if it’s just as coparents. I’m excited by the idea that he is doubling down on his work now because he wants this too. But he never would’ve taken it seriously if I hadn’t been able to go there first.
So that’s where we’re at now.
KIM: Thank you for sharing all of that. I think some of the points you’ve brought up are really important. When you’re done with someone, it’s easy to move on and cut the ties. But when you’re still in love with someone, yet you know it’s the right thing to end it, that is really hard. So kudos to you.
It has to be genuine. It can’t be a threat. You have to genuinely have made that cut or severance within you to know that it’s time to move on and take that action for it to have weight. And you’re not doing it with the hope that they’ll come running back to you. That’s kind of irrelevant at that point because you’re making all these decisions for yourself and what’s best for you.
People say the biggest impetus for change and growth is often pain. The threat of losing something, hitting a type of rock bottom, often is the catalyst for someone to embark on their journey. Whether they can salvage what was the precursor to that happening or not is to be determined. But often it can be.
But I always tell people, you can’t take these actions with that in mind. “Oh, maybe if I do this …” No. It has to come from a fully authentic, detached place that’s focused solely on your own best and highest good.
SARA: I’ll also add that I think when you are parents to a child who is different, your journey looks very different from the typical relationship journey. I think there’s some statistic out there that says 85% of parents of kids with autism get divorced because they’re so overwhelmed. They’re so caught up in the stressors that typical parents don’t have.
When I said earlier that I didn’t think he took it seriously that I would ever leave, I don’t think it was to diminish me or my power. I think it’s that our parenting journey is full-on and requires both of us to be at our best every day. I think that there was a sincere question of, “I don’t think I could actually do this if we were to separate. I don’t think I could do this without her.” I think there’s validity to what he was thinking. But I still had to be the one to say, “Well, we’re going to figure that out, if we’re going our separate ways. Because I’m not going to stay in something unhealthy just because it seems intimidating for you.”
But I didn’t want to speak to that. I know you talked about having a sexual connection as part of your parenting strategy, and I think that’s really important. I truly mean it when I say that there were times in our parenting journey when I think if we hadn’t had the sexual connection we had, we wouldn’t be on this journey of healing now. Truly. I think it’s the best thing you can do for your relationship.
But I think when you have a kid who’s different, who has higher needs, it can be used as an additional excuse not to do the work. But you need to.
KIM: That goes for everything. People can use every single life incident as a reason why they should not have sex and be intimate. The pivot that I’m always aiming to get people to latch onto is that if you do have great sex and a wonderful connection, that’s going to give you the extra quantum, turbo-boost energy, fuel, and mental, emotional, and physical capacity to handle these greater challenges in your life.
Is there anything else that you’d like to add about your journey? Any other breakthrough moments for you? You talked about getting to know yourself. Is there anything else that you’d like to share that happened for you in that realm?
SARA: Yes. One of my favorite modules in the salon was the one that I thought would be the least powerful for me. I don’t know why I thought that. It was the salon all about breasts. I thought, “My breasts are fine. There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re healthy. What’s the big deal?” I was so blown away by the content in there and the breast massage and the getting to know myself on that level. I had never spent time or energy doing that before. Having had children, I had subscribed to the commonly held belief that after you breastfed—and I breastfed both my children exclusively—you look deflated. You don’t have perky breasts anymore, and you’re kind of considered older or whatever the common notions are that people have about that.
As I started doing breast massage, I noticed that my anatomy was changing. My breasts were perkier. They were fuller. They didn’t look deflated anymore. I’m 43 years old, so I haven’t breastfed for many years. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything like that, but that idea of giving yourself love and nurturing and energetic nourishment, which maybe you didn’t have during those years of your life, hit me really intensely and I saw a difference right away.
It was mind-blowing. I’d done so much personal growth work already, and I was at this new frontier … There was so much more for me here. It was just beautiful. It really made me feel like a queen and powerful, beautiful, and confident in ways I hadn’t felt in a long time. I had breasts at an early age. It was a topic of discussion among family members at gatherings and among friends who hadn’t gone through puberty yet when I was in school. I felt self-conscious about that, and this was long before pregnancy and nursing and all of that.
It felt like a reclaiming of that energy for myself, and it definitely was a breakthrough. In addition to having breakthroughs with other types of orgasms in the way you talked about, as full-body experiences, I think the breast salon really contributed to that because it opened up channels that had been dormant in my energy for a long time.
I remember the first week of doing breast massage. My libido was off the charts. I remember thinking, “How funny is it, Sara, that you thought this was going to be the salon that didn’t do anything for you, and this is the salon that really just blew the lid off your energy in every way?”
I encourage anyone who is considering any of your salons. If there is a salon that pops up and you think, “Oh, I don’t need that,” that’s probably the one you should sign up for. Because it’s probably going to hold all those things that you need to unlock. And if you’re willing to see it with a beginner’s mind, as they say in Buddhism, you’ll have a really profound experience.
KIM: That’s beautiful. I love hearing that. How about your orgasmic evolution? You mentioned using a vibrator with your G-spot. Was that a vibrating toy?
SARA: Yeah. It was a vibrating toy, and I had different types of vibrating toys for clitoral orgasms, anal orgasms, G-spot orgasms. I think I just assumed that’s what you were supposed to do to bring yourself to orgasm. When we started the salon and swore off vibrators, I was really curious to see what would happen. I was so pleasantly surprised to know that you don’t have to sacrifice the quantity of orgasms if you don’t want to. You can have as many as you want. I was always able to do that, but the quality was so much richer and more profound. And that’s when I started experiencing the less localized clitoral orgasms. I’d had G-spot orgasms before, with and without toys, but they went deeper now. They were felt on an energetic level that really permeated my whole body.
I think growing up in America, learning about sexuality here, I had always just been taught that orgasms were localized because that’s where your anatomy is. And if you have a toy that stimulates that exact spot, that’s the maximum arousal that you’re going to get, or that’s the only place the energetic shift will happen.
The first time during the salon when I had a G-spot orgasm, I swear, it traveled through my whole body. My husband felt it too. He said, “What was that? That was something else.”
I remember thinking, “Wow.” I had heard you talk about this. I had believed it was possible. I still can’t really articulate very well what it felt like, but it’s mind-boggling when you have those divine moments in your physical body. After years of being told, “This is just your physical body; this is as far as it can go,” it was such an amazing reminder that those things are only true if you subscribe to them. If you don’t want to, you can subscribe to something else and watch that come to fruition.
It was really powerful, and it kind of unlocked the whole world of believing. It reminded me of the very first time I was in a yoga class and did a headstand. I had been thinking, “This is impossible for me. I’ll never be able to do this. That’s just for the advanced people.”
And then I just kept practicing and trying it out, never expecting it to change. Then, one day, I did it, and I thought, “If that impossible thing is possible now, what else?”
That’s very much what this G-spot orgasm felt like for me. It started making me feel like, well, what else is possible? Then that spilled over into the relationship piece, because I said, “Come on, honey, we are having amazing sex now. Imagine what’s possible if we both do the work here. This could be better than we ever imagined.”
Something really interesting started happening around the same time as the G-spot, breast massage, and Breast Salon breakthrough. I heard you talk about energetic orgasms in one of the salons and I thought, “That sounds really interesting.” My husband is amazing in bed. He has really good control. He’s always been a believer in having orgasm without ejaculation, and he’s worked on that, and I’m thankful.
But he started having orgasms just lying next to me in bed. I would go to bed at night, and he would cuddle up next to me and he would have an orgasm. He said, “What is this witchcraft? This is amazing and wild.”
And as we would talk about it, he’d say, “Well, your energy is different. Something is different here.” You can hear someone talk about energetic orgasms or doing a deep meditation and visiting someone who is across the world, but you never really know if it’s true until you experience something like that. Experiencing things like that, which are regular occurrences now in my life, is so phenomenal. It reminds me anything is possible. Like the headstand.
It’s only done if you decide it’s done. Your progress is only done if you decide there’s nothing more to learn. It just makes me want to learn more and master these ancient practices that you teach even more because, “Wow, this is just the beginning. There’s so much more here for me.” That keeps me really excited. Keep doing the practices and stay committed to them.
KIM: What kinds of things did you notice? Obviously, you were able to make a really huge decision in your life in terms of your relationship, and you’ve talked about your business and your finances elevating. What else did you notice about yourself, your energy, your persona? Were there any changes that happened in you then in taking all these shifts within your body and your sexuality out into the world?
SARA: I became much more unapologetic about who I am, and I love that I’m able to say that. I remember the first time I ever heard you talk on a podcast, the first time I was ever on a salon call with you. I thought, “Wow, she’s not only powerful; she’s unapologetic in who she is and how she shows up.”
I don’t know about everyone else who’s listening, but I was raised to act like a lady, sit still, look pretty, go to Catholic school, follow the rules, don’t rock the boat, make an effort to make other people comfortable—and if you had breasts, you didn’t wear anything that showed them off because that would make other people uncomfortable, and if they stared at you, that was your fault.
I noticed that as the salon went on, I just did not care. I felt compelled to do what made me feel good. If someone was doing something that didn’t feel right for me, I was not afraid to talk to them about it. I was not afraid to have a firm but kind confrontation about it and give them the truth about what was happening.
These are things that I used to be afraid to do. I used to be afraid of confrontation. I used to think, if I speak my truth, what might happen? How might other people react?
I realized that how other people react is not my business. They can have their reactions, and they can be adults and be responsible for their reactions themselves. I just need to act from a place of integrity and confidence. There were so many little moments every day in which I would say, “Oh, in the past, I would’ve been too afraid to say this, but I’m going to say it now.” And it affected everything from my relationship to my business to advocating for my child. Everything.
But it was a moment of choice. In the past, I would’ve chosen the past that would’ve ruffled fewer feathers. Instead, I chose the path that felt right, and that was a marked difference for me.
KIM: As you’re choosing the path that feels really right, what I say to people is that you’re propelled now by this innate force from within. You are so connected to your own truth and your own voice, and your decisions become so much more clear and in alignment. You make these decisions and choices without real regard or care for the outcome because all that matters is that you’re being loyal to this energy and voice of truth within yourself that you’re now so very aware of.
SARA: Absolutely. It felt organic. I think that prior to your salon, there might have been moments where I wanted to make that choice, but I didn’t feel ready or strong enough.
After the salon, or during the salon as well, I would say, “You know, I am strong enough. I can do this now.” And it felt freeing to be able to do that from an authentic place and not from a forced place, as you were saying.
KIM: You teach yoga. Did you notice that show up in your teaching in any different ways?
SARA: It did. I’ve always felt very strongly about teaching authentically and teaching people a strong connection to the ancient practices. I’ve been to India ten times for extended periods of study. I take a lot of pride in not watering down spirituality for people and letting them know they can handle the real thing—and that’s what they’re going to get from me.
I noticed I started attracting people who really wanted that. The tire-kickers didn’t waste their time with me; they went somewhere else. I started attracting mature practitioners, who really wanted to learn from an authentic place, and it was and is a pleasure to teach them.
I also now attract the no-excuses crowd. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in their life—they certainly see what’s going on in my life, and they think, “Well, if she can manage all these things and do this, so can I.” I’ve started attracting more and more people like that. People who aren’t afraid to state that they want something more in their life. They want something better for themselves, and they’re ready to go get it now.
That’s amazing to see. People who don’t want to just settle for the status quo or whatever everyone else is doing. They want to really find what makes them happy. I enjoy that so very much because I believe healing is possible for everyone. I believe that kicking yourself free of all societal impositions is possible for everyone, if you want to do that. If you choose to do that. It’s been really joyful to attract those kinds of people into my mix.
I hadn’t led a retreat in a long time. Now I am leading a retreat to Peru Sacred Valley in the fall. It’s my second time going. I’m attracting all the right people. All the people who are coming are saying, “I’m saying yes to myself this year. I’m saying yes to my next level of things even when they scare me.” I’m saying, “Yeah, you’re my people.” They’re just finding me. I haven’t even made a sales page. They’re just finding me. It’s phenomenal to see the type of person who is coming into the mix in good alignment with me.
KIM: I love how you call them the “no-excuses crowd.” They are my favorite! [Laughs] Because over the last, whatever it’s been, five or ten years, it’s been the excuses crowd. “No, you don’t have to do that because of this. No, you don’t have to try hard or be great or put in effort or do anything to better yourself because you have this excuse.” It’s so fucking pathetic. I feel like it’s almost an older-generation thing now. I’m GenX and you maybe are too. I don’t know.
SARA: GenX.
KIM: Yeah. But that used to be a way of life. Those goals of high achievement used to be how we lived. That’s what America was known for. I call it Lube and the Demise of the American Dream, where you slather on the lube; you don’t need to let your body figure that out. Your body is stupid, so let’s just put the lube on it for you.
It’s this whole weird, convoluted, very outsource-your-power thinking that I can’t stand. I don’t want it anywhere near me. I have not indulged this stupidity over the last number of years at all.
So yeah, I know exactly what you mean and appreciate the no-excuses crowd. You are all welcome here.
SARA: Yeah! I love the no-excuses crowd, and I think also you’re talking about GenX. I grew up in the ’80s. There was an element of resourcefulness that we had to learn growing up. That energy of, “Mom and Dad aren’t home to cook you dinner? Well, you’re going to figure it out.”
And I’m not saying that was healthy every single night, but it was there, and I took that into adulthood. I want to publish a book for other parents who have kids with autism to heal themselves. I want it to be a bestseller. I’ve never published a book before, and I don’t know how to do it. I’m going to figure it out. I want to do a liver flush next week; I’m going to figure it out.
I see that there are two different types of people who I notice in the world. The ones who say, “I’m going to figure that out. That sounds cool. I want to do that liver flush with you next week, Sara.” Or “I’ll do that someday,” and then three years later they’re still saying they’re going to do it someday, but they haven’t been resourceful in figuring it out.
The no-excuses crowd is really resourceful. They figure things out. Yeah, they can hang out with me anytime too. I’m here for them.
KIM: Always welcome. [Laughs]
All right, anything else on this whole un-fuck-with-ability? Because I think that’s the territory we’re talking about now. As you get really solid in your own truth and energy, all these decisions flow better; you’re attracting people and work opportunities that are in alignment, and things just manifest and flow with so much more ease when you’re really living in that truth.
I think that we get these big decisions. Because in the whole concept of feng shui, unresolved stuff, clutter, takes up space and impedes our flow. When we make a decision on something that has been hanging in the ethers that we’ve known about that, or we’ve been putting in extra effort trying to fix it, trying to make it work, before finally getting to that point of, “Okay, I’m letting this go—” then we open up so much more flow. Because we’ve cleared the space of these things that have been hanging around in the ethers.
SARA: Yeah. I think that is such a powerful testament. Indecision is one of the most gnarly, toxic energies that I think exist because it attracts more indecision to you. You get the tire-kickers coming around saying, “I want to do this someday, but I don’t want to commit.” I think when you put forth the energy of decision—I’ve seen this in my life recently—things change. I look back, and I think how many years I tolerated my husband, who was doing the best he knew how at that time, saying, “Oh, yeah, healing sounds like a good idea. I’ll get to it someday,” or “I’ll get to it when my business calms down,” or “When I’m less busy with the kids, whenever that happens.” That’s a myth.
KIM: Never, yeah.
SARA: Never. You have to choose it. Instead, when I said, “I’m choosing more for my life now,” that energy of decision impacted him. It impacted both of our businesses. It impacted our kids. The energy in our home is really happy and clean. That’s the word I would use. It feels clean. I think when your energy is clean and you’re exchanging your energy with people in any capacity—friendship, work, whatever—it’s easier for you to conduct yourself at a higher frequency in all interactions. I think that elevates everyone. A high tide raises all ships.
That un-fuck-with-able energy, for me, is everything. My daughter is 13 and started menstruating recently. I’ve watched people try to push societal beliefs on her. “Oh, you get your period and you’re going to be crazy for the next five days,” or whatever people say these days. And she always says, “Mom, so-and-so said this, so-and-so said that.” I’ll say, “Don’t listen. It’s a sacred portal,” just letting her know all these beliefs that you and I believe. I’ll leave my jade egg in my room now when she’s in my bathroom, and she’ll say, “Mom, what’s that?” asking me questions about it. I’m just really honest and clear with her in an age-appropriate way. “This is what I’m doing. When you decide you want to do that, I can help you out. No pressure.”
I think that clarity, that honesty, is something that comes with the territory of being un-fuck-with-able. And that confidence. Because I didn’t grow up with that. Everything was really hidden. We were Catholic in my house growing up and really didn’t talk about that. “It’s not comfortable for other people, so keep that to yourself.” I think the energy of clarity and honesty that comes with that boldness is really important. I think it makes other people more comfortable, not less, when they have a really clear handle on who you are. And they know what to expect from you rather than this convoluted, people-pleasing kind of energy that we’re told is actually more comfortable for people. But it’s not.
KIM: That’s a really good point because I call it the lie of a lie. We all know when somebody is lying to us. We might not be able to articulate it. We may not know what they’re lying about, but at the very, very least, we’ll feel it as an interference field. We’ll feel something is amiss. We know that.
Malcolm Gladwell wrote this book called Blink. It’s all about human perception and how we know things before we consciously know them, and that knowing will register in the body in some way. Maybe through a physical reaction, but we know all these things.
We know that this is a fact, the whole lie of a lie. We think we’re getting away with it. “Oh, they don’t know that I did this.” They do know, and this is a mountain of shit that’s now building up, that’s eroding your connection and your relationship and your trust, even if you think you got away with it. Nobody gets away with anything. There’s a very clear, energetic, karmic slate being kept for everyone for every word, thought, action, and deed. That is karmic law.
I remember I was telling the story about the initial stages of a relationship with a very living-on-the-outskirts-of-society type character I was with. We were having these conversations, as you do as you get to know each other, and he would just tell me these things that he had done that most people would never reveal. He would just put them out there.
Even though a lot of the stuff was a bit shocking, I loved it, because I thought, “Well, I can trust this person because he’s telling me all these things. He’s putting it out there.” I’d rather know than not know, and then I get to decide what I can do with that information. But more importantly, I know where I stand. I know what’s happening. The alignment energetically matches the words. I’m feeling into the truth of all this.
I love that. With children, I think it’s so, so, so important that we’re honest and authentic with them because they’ll pick up an energy of interference, of hiding, of covertness, and that will be a façade, a mask, an energy that then gets carried over into their experience of sexuality.
That’s not to say that children need to be full-on indulged in every element of things, but we’ve swung the opposite way in our culture, where we think we should hide things from children. That’s not the case either. They need to get their education from us first and foremost, and they need to get honest impressions from us.
SARA: Yeah. I want to raise critical thinkers who listen to their gut or their pussy, whatever parts they have, and really know what feels true and not true for them. In your work, I’ve really vibed with what you say about things that I always felt were lies— perimenopause and menopause. I’m 43, and I’ve met people far younger than me complaining about their perimenopausal symptoms; it just never felt right to me. I couldn’t explain why, but I’d always think, I don’t get this. If you’re taking really good care of yourself every day, wouldn’t you age like a fine wine? That’s how I’m thinking of this. I take better care of myself now than I did 20 years ago. I should feel better now. I don’t want to subscribe to a theory of feeling worse.
In some cultures, menopause isn’t even a word because you’re just a woman living your life day after day. What’s the big deal?
It was so freeing to learn more about that in your salons. I think as you become super confident and connected to your personal power, sexual power, and energy, you develop a really good bullshit detector for things that are not truthful.
My dad was a policeman, and police aren’t typically super spiritual. I remember as I was 18 and moving out of the house and stuff, he said to me, “You know, I just want to tell you something. If you’re ever at a party and your gut feeling is telling you to leave, just leave. You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to justify it—just go. If you ever walk into a store and it doesn’t feel right, just get the hell out of there. I’ve rescued enough women from bad situations who have all said, ‘My gut told me I shouldn’t have gone in there, but I did anyway, and I ended up in this bad situation.’” He said, “Trust your gut,” and he had no spiritual practices behind it. He didn’t have any energetics behind it, but he said, “Just listen to that.”
I think the best thing you can do for your children, if you’re a parent, or for yourself, is to develop that sense and that power in saying, “I’m going to trust myself in this moment, even if the rest of you tell me no. Even if you’re going to make fun of me for it, I don’t care. I don’t care if I’m the weirdo here; my intuition comes first.”
I think the stronger you get in connecting to your energy and your sexual energy, the more natural it becomes. Then when you go to teach your kids about it, you don’t even think about it. It’s just a natural thing that they see you do all the time, rather than having to sit them down for a big lecture about it. It’s just organic.
KIM: Amazing. I love all that. And yes, the sexual energy piece—it’s our life-force energy. As we amplify that in our lives, we’re more comfortable with it, and we own it; we inhabit it. We begin to talk, move, and act from the deepest truth of who we really are, and that is its own frequency. That is utterly un-fuck-with-able.
It carries with it its own protection in the world.
Thank you so much, Sara. I love this conversation. Over the years of doing this work, I feel like it’s become so hard for people to extract themselves from situations that they are in for whatever reason. You’ve got a lot of good reasons to stay there. And a lot of people do, and they get trapped by that. You say the no-excuses crowd—well, you’re a living example of the no-excuses crowd.
I really salute that. Amazing work. Well done.
SARA: Thank you. And thank you for your work. It was the missing link in my life and I’m so grateful. It’s such a pleasure to make the time for these practices every day. It’s not just something else on your to-do list. It’s something that you do with reverence, knowing that it helps you and it changes your life. It’s an honor and a privilege. To anyone listening, if you’re wondering if these practices can work for you, I’m evidence that they can.
So listen, if you’re waiting for a sign, don’t wait for a sign of your sign. Let this be your sign and go for it.
***
Give all your fuck to the worthiest cause: YOU.
And your fucks will give back to you the gift of unshakeable confidence, strength and fearlessness.
***
My legendary How to Be a Well-Fucked Woman Salon opens in a few weeks. This is my 10-week online program in all things female sexuality where you learn how to give all the fucks to yourself and your partner with:
- Self-Pleasuring 101 and how to channel sexual energy into creative genius
- Cock whispering oral, manual and sex position techniques
- Breast and yoni massage routines
- How to surrender and inhabit your feminine energy to build a life of ease and pleasure
- How to transform challenging menstruation, PMS and menopause into blissful portals
- Step-by-step instructions for the deeper vaginal orgasms: G-Spot, cervical and squirting
And through all of this, become utterly UN-FUCK-WITH-ABLE.
You can check out the free video preview series and take the quiz and find out ARE YOU UNDERFUCKED?
Go to kimanami.com, look for Sexual Savant Salons and click on How to Be a Well-F**ked Woman.