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Scripts Aloud brings drama right into your ears. By using text-to-speech software, theater scripts go from the page into drama, every week. Typically 10-minute scripts are presented in each episode. It's like having a Theater Festival - right on your phone!
Scripts Aloud
DO I KNOW YOU?
Written by
Rick Regan
July 4, 2023
INT. KELLY’S BEDROOM - VERY EARLY MORNING
Pete climbs out of bed. The light is very dim as the sun is
not up yet. He pulls on his clothes and goes to a desk. He
finds a piece of paper and starts writing.
We see Kelly in the bed. She wakes up and sees him across the
room. Pete does not notice that she is awake.
KELLY
Hey.
PETE
(startled)
Oh, hey. I didn’t want to wake you.
KELLY
What are you doing?
PETE
Uh, just... making some notes.
KELLY
(nervous)
Kind of notes?
PETE
Uh, like... a to-do list.
KELLY
Oh. Uh-huh. OK. Uh, what you got so
far?
PETE
Erm... clean my belt.
KELLY
Your belt?
PETE
Yeah, every six months, whether it
needs it or not.
KELLY
Oh-kay.
PETE
Polish my shoes. You know, for
work.
KELLY
You feel the need to write that
stuff down? Seems pretty important.
Like you wouldn’t forget.
PETE
(sighs)
No, you’re right. That’s not what
I’m doing.
KELLY
You are writing a goodbye note. A
blow-off.
PETE
No, no! Well, actually, yes.
KELLY
Because this is just a one-and-done
for you. Is that it?
PETE
It’s not like that.
KELLY
Then why are you writing a see-ya
round note?
PETE
To head off the inevitable. For
you.
KELLY
Meaning that you know you are going
to dump me, so why not start now.
PETE
No, no. No, no, no. Not, not at
all.
KELLY
Well?
PETE
Kelly, you are the most beautiful
girl I’ve ever met. You are so, so,
far out of my league. And you are
smart, and funny, so it won’t take
long for you to realize that I’m a
big dope, and that you’ll be forced
to tell me to shove-off. I’m just
getting out of the way so you don’t
have to do all that.
KELLY
(skeptical)
Gosh, that’s kind.
PETE
I mean, you are so unbelievably
beautiful. I can’t even believe
that you are still talking to me.
KELLY
Why wouldn’t I talk to you?
PETE
Girls like you don’t waste time
with guys like me.
KELLY
Girls like me? What does that mean?
Kelly gets out of bed, slips on some sweatpants and a baggy t
shirt. She sits next to him.
PETE
You know what I mean. You are a ten
out-of-ten. There are guys crawling
all over each other to be with you.
You get to have the pick of...
KELLY
Stop! Stop right there. You don’t
know what my life is like. You have
no idea.
PETE
I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just
that it seems so strange to be here
with you. I mean, it’s just me.
KELLY
Strange how?
PETE
Like I said, you’re a ten. And...
KELLY
Hold on! I’m a ten?
PETE
Yeah, of course.
KELLY
So, I’m perfect, right?
PETE
Yeah, pretty much.
KELLY
How is that supposed to make me
feel?
PETE
Um... good? Good. It’s good.
KELLY
No, it’s bad.
PETE
Bad? How?
KELLY
If somebody is a ten, like you say,
and perfect, what do they have left
to do? You’re saying I’ve reached
the peak of my life at twenty-two.
What am I supposed to do for the
next forty years? I can’t stay
perfect forever.
PETE
That’s not what I mean at all. I
mean, like...
KELLY
What, Pete? What? What do you mean?
PETE
(resigned)
I don’t know. I’m confused.
KELLY
About what? Why you came home with
me last night? Who you are, as a
human being? Why you want to dump
me and get out of here as fast as
you can? Tell me. What are you
confused about?
PETE
(long pause)
Ok. Yes, I’m confused about why you
brought me home. Yes, I’m confused
about why you would want me to hang
around for any longer than a kiss
and a wave. Who I am as a human
being? Got me! I don’t know. And as
for being perfect? You’re pretty
damned close, at least to me.
That’s what I don’t get. You’re
perfect and I’m just some regular
guy you kinda-know.
That doesn’t make sense. Surely,
surely, there are guys that are
rich, handsome and have great
careers that hit on you all the
time.
KELLY
It’s not the same thing.
PETE
(continuing)
I mean, heck, if I was one of those
guys: rich, great job at some bank,
taller, more handsome; shoot! I’d
wife-you-up in a quick-minute. I
mean, that’s what the smart girls
do, right? Marry up and get on the
train.
KELLY
Wait, wait, wait! Now you are
talking about getting married? And
gold-diggers getting on the gravy
train?
PETE
I mean, that’s how the system
works, right? The rich guys get the
best girls. The hottest girls get
the richest guys.
KELLY
What world do you live in?
PETE
Um... I think it’s the same one as
you.
KELLY
That’s not the world I live in.
PETE
Come on, tell me that you don’t get
hit-on by older rich guys. You’re
the prettiest peach on the tree.
KELLY
(laughs)
You’re so stupid.
PETE
Well, yeah. I kinda knew that.
KELLY
Look, okay, yeah. I get hit-on by
rich guys.
PETE
See? I was right.
KELLY
And by bums. And panhandlers.
Baristas. Bartenders. Cab drivers.
Just walking down the street and
men yell at me.
PETE
Because you are beautiful.
KELLY
No, dummy. It’s because I’m female.
They yell at all the women. All the
time! It’s exhausting. Outside or
online. In offices, at the store,
even in class, I feel like I’m a
hunted animal. You don’t know what
that’s like. The catcalls,
whistles, or just glances. It’s
endless. I wish it would stop.
PETE
Yeah, okay. That does sound rough.
Nobody whistles at me. Men are
pretty invisible.
KELLY
Not to me. I noticed you.
PETE
Yeah, but I’m just a regular guy.
KELLY
Well... you haven’t killed me, yet,
so that’s a good sign.
PETE
What?
KELLY
And, so far, you haven’t flipped
into a rage and started beating me,
so that’s a hopeful start.
PETE
What are you talking about?
KELLY
It’s just that, so far, your
chances are looking promising.
PETE
(laughs)
My chances?
KELLY
(chuckles)
Right. Chance to be with the ten-of
ten, perfect-Kelly. Maybe you can
keep the hot-streak alive.
PETE
What?
KELLY
Just don’t kill me, is all I’m
saying.
PETE
Well, that shouldn’t be too hard,
unless, you know, you deserve it.
KELLY
Oh, here we go!
PETE
I’m kidding! I’m kidding. I’m not
going to kill you, or anybody.
KELLY
Good.
PETE
So, look, you know, this was fun.
And I’ll get out of your hair.
KELLY
Pete, do you want to know why I
brought you home last night?
PETE
I just figured you were kinda
drunk, and horny.
KELLY
Well, that’s true. That’s true. I
was kinda drunk and kinda super
horny.
PETE
Yeah, I could tell!
KELLY
The drunk part? Or...
PETE
I gotta say, the turbo-sex did
catch me by surprise.
KELLY
Look, it’s been a while. Is that a
crime?
PETE
No, it was great. I just haven’t
been with anybody who was
so...eager.
KELLY
Eager? And you’ve been with lots of
women, I bet?
PETE
(modestly)
Well, I try to stay socially...
active.
KELLY
So, a lot of women.
PETE
No, not a lot. But a few, yeah.
KELLY
And still, you’re single?
PETE
Meaning?
KELLY
It was all just one-night’ers?
PETE
You know, I used to think I was
really a hit, with the ladies. But
now I think each of them was just
taking me for a test drive. Some of
them wanted a second ride and some
got out and slammed the door.
KELLY
Well, you kicked my tires. You
ready drive this baby off the lot?
PETE
What?
KELLY
Pete, I like you. Maybe we take it,
you know, slow, or fast. I don’t
know. And maybe ride together for
while. You think?
PETE
You’re not serious. Because this
gets back to my first point, that
you are so, so, far out of my
league. It will just be a matter of
time until you kick me to the curb.
KELLY
I’ll be the judge of that. And
besides, you are underestimating
yourself. You’re a good guy.
PETE
Just because I haven’t killed you
yet?
KELLY
It’s a good start. I mean, I know
you have to go and polish your belt
and shoes, but maybe call me,
later.
PETE
I don’t even have your number.
She picks up her phone and fiddles with it.
KELLY
Give me your number. I’ll text you.
PETE
Umm, okay. 301-902-7355.
She taps in the number and some text. Then she puts her phone
into her sweatpants and snaps a picture.
KELLY
Send. There. So you can remember
me.
PETE
Did you... just... Send me a dick
pick?
KELLY
I hope not.
PETE
I mean, I know dudes do that all
the time, and some girls send boob
shots.
He pulls out his phone and opens the picture/message.
KELLY
You get it?
PETE
Holy...! I gotta put that in a
private folder. Encrypted.
KELLY
So you get a lot of girls sending
you boob shots? You have, like, a
collection?
PETE
A couple...
KELLY
Ha! And the full V-pic?
PETE
Oh, is that what that is? Hard to
tell with the... flash.
KELLY
Maybe you want to come and take a
closer look...
She walks back over to the bed, sits at the edge.
PETE
Uh...
KELLY
Or is it really that urgent to
polish your shoes?
PETE
I think I could do some other
polishing.
KELLY
Get over here!
Pete goes toward the bed.
INT. RESTAURANT - A FEW DAYS LATER - AFTERNOON
Kelly is in a booth, across from her older sister Riley. They
have food already.
RILEY
No cheeseburger for you today?
KELLY
Too much.
RILEY
Worried about packing it on?
KELLY
No.
RILEY
‘Dem hips don’t lie. Ha!
KELLY
You saying I’m fat?
RILEY
I’m saying you are thinking about
something and don’t want to put
even more girth to your waist.
KELLY
OK. Fine. Go ahead and have the
milkshake too, while you are at it.
Maybe I’m keeping tabs on my
figure.
RILEY
(as Catherine Hepburn)
Your line, my dear?
KELLY
As one does.
RILEY
No, seriously, what’s up? You
screwing the paperboy?
KELLY
No, I’m not screwing the paperboy.
RILEY
Who then? Cause I know it’s been a
while. And when it’s been a while,
you get itchy. Gotta feed the
kitty.
KELLY
Ugh. Stop.
I’m lying?
Well...
RILEY
KELLY
RILEY
I knew it! Can’t keep your knees
together. Who is he?
KELLY
It’s not like that.
RILEY
You’re a slutty, dirty girl.
KELLY
No!
RILEY
And I love you for it!
KELLY
You’re a horrible person.
RILEY
Am I?
KELLY
(innocent)
I mean, you’re cute. You have that
going for you, but you have a
horrible personality. That’s why
people don’t like you. You know
that, right?
RILEY
Ouch! And you? People think you’re
pretty but they still give you cash
behind the 7-11.
KELLY
Hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks.
RILEY
Not what it used to be but I guess
it will still buy a peek at your
ass.
KELLY
It’s not as bad as the babies who
cry when they see you. And the
children who hide. It’s
embarrassing.
RILEY
Embarrassing? Really? You know
what’s embarrassing? That you
always smell like you are wearing a
dirty diaper. What is that? Have
you seen somebody about the smell?
KELLY
I don’t smell!
RILEY
Oh. You must be used to it then.
But, you smell.
KELLY
You know, if God really did make
all things, good and bad, you are
walking proof - of evil.
RILEY
At least I’m not out turning tricks
at the truck stop. Maybe that’s
where the smell comes from.
Kelly laughs, snorting and Diet Coke squirts out of her nose.
KELLY
(laughing)
You’re too much.
RILEY
(laughing)
You deserve it.
KELLY
Ok. Yeah. I met somebody.
RILEY
What’s his name? Wait, it is a he,
right?
KELLY
YES, it’s a he. Pete.
RILEY
Pete. Poor Pete. Sorry Peter.
Pumpkin Eater.
KELLY
No.
RILEY
Oh, wait! With the size of your
hips, pumpkin is about right.
Peter, the Pumpkin Eater!
KELLY
You’re so nasty.
RILEY
Go ahead, lie to me. Tell me that
you didn’t have him munch the
pumpkin.
KELLY
Well, kinda.
RILEY
Yes! I love you, girl!
They have an awkward high-five.
KELLY
He’s sweet.
RILEY
And he didn’t mind the smell?
Amazing! You took the diaper off
and washed, I hope?
KELLY
There is no diaper.
RILEY
Then why the smell?
KELLY
He didn’t mind.
RILEY
Good for you. You scratch that
itch?
KELLY
Twice. Well, I guess, three times.
RILEY
Ha! You’re like grandma.
KELLY
Oh?
RILEY
You remember what she said about
keeping a man?
KELLY
Belly full?
RILEY
And balls empty!
KELLY
Ah, she was a woman.
RILEY
The real thing.
KELLY
After four girls, do you think she
had her tubes tied?
RILEY
Or grandpa just collapsed under the
work load.
KELLY
In the harness, pulling the plow?
RILEY
Plowing grandma, wore him out.
KELLY
A decent way to go.
RILEY
He died doing what he loved.
KELLY
You keeping Reggie satisfied? Full
belly, and all?
RILEY
I drain him nightly.
KELLY
Christ! Really?
RILEY
Really.
KELLY
You have a schedule?
RILEY
I’m not up to it anymore, but if he
is, I’m game. It’s not all the old
in-n-out, you know. All hands on
deck.
KELLY
You’d know.
RILEY
I do know. And I know he’s not
goining anywhere but home.
KELLY
Keep ‘em coming home.
RILEY
And at home.
KELLY
I’m sure he is a happy man.
RILEY
He’ll die with a smile on his face.
KELLY
Can’t ask for more than that. What
do your girls say.
RILEY
Well, you know, Kimberly is at
College Park for a summer camp. And
Claudine, well, she is in
California doing rafting for the
vacation.
KELLY
But the noise, the smell. They must
have known.
RILEY
Oh come on. We were discrete. But,
you know, I didn’t want to hide it
from them. They should know what
life is. What a woman does.
KELLY
That’s kind of you, I guess. But,
also, ick!
RILEY
Oh, come on! Like you are not
covered in boob sweat and hoochie
juice from going three rounds with
the noble Peter, Pumpkin Eater! I
hope you opened a window. Ugh!
KELLY
Too humid.
RILEY
Just Lysol then?
KELLY
Febreze mostly. Linen. It’s nice.
RILEY
It’s nasty!
KELLY
Smells like Teen Spirit.
RILEY
Ha! I love you ‘hon!
KELLY
You’re funny.
RILEY
So what’s the plan? Have you told
him?
KELLY
Told him?
RILEY
Don’t tell me that you haven’t told
him?
KELLY
What?
RILEY
Honey. You’re crackers. Crunchy,
crispy, but you’re nuts.
KELLY
(angry)
I’m not like that anymore.
RILEY
It doesn’t go away. You know that,
more than me.
KELLY
It’s not a death sentence.
RILEY
I’m not saying it is.
KELLY
Being diagnosed was the best thing
that happened to me. We spent a
year, a year, getting the meds
right. Now it’s OK.
RILEY
Sweetie, don’t do this to him. If
he’s nice, like you said, sweet,
don’t drag him through the
hurricane. Let him live his life.
KELLY
I deserve to be happy! I’m not a
prisoner of paranoia. It’s just
that some times, things...
RILEY
I know, honey. I know. You’re doing
great. You are on top of it all.
Right now. But in, what, six
weeks?, is it all going to come
apart? Don’t drag that nice man
into the drama. Nobody wins. We’re
all just glad when you come through
okay. Let him go.
KELLY
(crying)
Why are you saying this?! He’s nice
to me! He doesn’t hit me or try to
control me. He’s nice! I just want
to be with somebody who’s nice to
me! Why are you so mean?!
RILEY
If he’s nice, then he’ll find a
nice girl, who will love him, and
have babies, and be a wonderful
wife for him. But, honey, you? You
can’t do that. Not for him.
KELLY
I can! I can do that! I can be
normal. I can be a woman, a mom.
Don’t tell me what I can’t do. You
don’t know.
RILEY
I’ve been there. Shoot, I am there.
Husband, kids, mortgage, jobs.
Yeah, actually, I do know something
about this.
KELLY
About what? Managing anxiety?
Depression?
RILEY
Psychosis. Psychosis, dear. That’s
the diagnosis. When it comes back,
you won’t even see it. It will be
like a storm that blows everything
away. Like last time. Do you
remember? Or the time before? Or
when you were little? I was there.
And when Mom died, it was just me.
Dad didn’t know what to do. I was
just a kid but I had to handle you.
And you think that was easy?
KELLY
I didn’t say that.
RILEY
Well...
KELLY
Look, Riley, I’m sorry. I’m sorry
that I’ve been a burden on you. I’m
sorry that I disrupted your
beautiful life. I’m sorry that you
and Dad had to watch over me to be
sure I didn’t do anything to
myself.
RILEY
It’s not your fault.
KELLY
But you handled it, right? I mean,
you and Reggie have been together
for a long time. And you’re girls
are so precious. It worked out for
you. Right?
RILEY
I’m just worried about you, hon.
KELLY
Seems like you are more worried
about Pete.
RILEY
Does Pete deserve the chaos, the
storm, the... madness?
KELLY
(insistent)
He’s nice to me.
RILEY
I’m just saying, the decent thing
to do is to cut him loose now and
let him get on with his life. Let
him meet somebody...
KELLY
Sane?
RILEY
Appropriate.
KELLY
Ugh! I mean, yeah, that’s what I’m
saying in the back of my head. I’m
saying, he deserves a life where he
doesn’t get sucked into my...
drama.
RILEY
Let him go, K. Let him go.
KELLY
Can I have one more rodeo?
RILEY
Well... couldn’t hurt. I’ll allow
it.
KELLY
(chuckles)
You’ll allow... nice.
RILEY
Just one thing.
KELLY
Oh?
RILEY
You have to tell him.
KELLY
Before, or after?
RILEY
Hmm, your call.
KELLY
Deal.
Deal.
RILEY
They shake hands and go back to their food.
3
INT. OFFICE - DAYTIME - LAW FIRM IN DOWNTOWN DC
Pete works for a fancy law firm in DC, near the FBI building.
He is a fix-it-all, do-it-all guy, even though he is
officially assigned to the mail room.
Pete is in the mail room, next to an idle copier, reading a
Lexis-Nexis report on French wines, requested by one of the
senior partners.
FRED
(seeing Pete)
The dogged Peter. Brothah! Stoked
weekend?
PETE
Hey, Fred.
FRED
Big time? Now it’s back on the
grind?
PETE
(Humoring him)
Yeah, totally. I was in my own
space, you know.
FRED
You do you? Yeah!
PETE
Yeah! And...
FRED
And? Yeah! Talk to me.
PETE
Aww, there was this girl.
FRED
Snap! That’s what I’m talking
about! Ex-press-Train?
PETE
To Pound-It-Town.
FRED
Sweet! Speak up, son!
PETE
You know, I don’t get it.
FRED
What do you mean?
PETE
So I know this girl, from college.
And she is so beautiful, so, so,
unbelievably beautiful.
FRED
Yeah? Sounds like she’s way out of
your league. What happened?
PETE
It’s the stupidest thing. I’m at
Starbucks, at Dupont Circle.
FRED
Which one, north side?
PETE
Yeah, Connecticut.
FRED
East or west, Connecticut?
PETE
East, but dude, it doesn’t matter.
Anyway, I see this girl.
FRED
Yeah?
PETE
And, like, I knew her in college.
FRED
Yeah?
PETE
And she was, like, amazing.
FRED
Uh-huh.
PETE
But, I mean, I never knew her. She
had a whole, like, crew of friends.
And there was always some jock or
stud-dude around.
FRED
Like, it’s her world and we’re
just, like, orbiting around?
PETE
Yeah. Like that. And, so, like, I
say, hey, I know you. Of course,
I’m expecting any minute, some,
like, jarhead, or like, some guy
from Goldman Sachs to, like, show
up and start yelling at me.
FRED
But brah, you’re, like, yoked!
Jacked! You got no reason to fear.
Throw hands like Iron Mike! You ARE
the answer!
PETE
So, yeah, I’m there and I say, hey,
didn’t we, like, go to the same
school?
FRED
Smooth, playa!
PETE
And she’s like, yeah. And then she
says, she’s meeting some friends at
a dance club downtown. Do I want to
go?
FRED
Uh oh! Danger, Will Robinson. I
know, personally, that you have no
moves.
PETE
Dude! And I know that too!
FRED
Boot Scoot Boogie? Does that still
count?
PETE
Not at the 9:30 Club.
FRED
(desperate)
Open the pod bay doors, Hal!
PETE
So I go. It was fun.
FRED
Straight up stud!
PETE
We had a nice time.
FRED
(mocking)
Oh, that’s nice. That’s a sweet
story, Pete.
PETE
Yeah.
FRED
So... you didn’t take her to the
woodshed?
PETE
Well...
FRED
Deliver the lumber?
PETE
Eh...
FRED
Put the hardwood on exhibit?
PETE
I mean...
FRED
Oh, Oh! I got it. Just a little rub
and tug. Sure. Not the deep down.
PETE
It wasn’t what I expected.
FRED
Hmm? She brought friends?
PETE
No, no! It was just, she is so
amazing and I’m just this regular
guy.
FRED
Doesn’t add up.
PETE
Kinda what I’m thinking.
FRED
See, for the chicks that would dig
you, they have to see you as dating
up. But you? Come on! Maybe,
maaaaaaay-be, the chick from the
drive-through at Popeye’s. But a
super-hottie? I don’t see it.
Something else going on.
PETE
What do you mean?
FRED
Did she have, like, a fake leg?
PETE
No. No. Nothing like that.
FRED
Did she smell weird?
PETE
No. No. She smelled fine.
FRED
Well, if it wasn’t a fake leg, and
it wasn’t a weird smell, I have bad
news for you.
PETE
Bad news?
FRED
OK, look. If she’s a super-hottie,
like you say, she’s got no business
with a dope like you.
PETE
I get that.
FRED
And if she’s a super-hottie, like
you say, she’s got a million more
options than you.
PETE
I get that.
FRED
So that only leaves a couple of
explanations.
PETE
Go on.
FRED
Either she’s slumming, for the
weekend.
PETE
Uh-huh.
FRED
Or, she’s trolling to harvest your
seed.
PETE
My seed? What? Wait, what?!
FRED
You don’t know this about women but
there is a factor, called the
Maximum Imperative, that drives
women to seek the greatest possible
outcome for their children.
PETE
The what?
FRED
Trust me on this. It is accepted
science. Trust the science.
PETE
Umm, OK.
FRED
And the situation some females
encounter is that they partner-bond
with high-value males, but said
males are ineffective progenitors.
PETE
Partner bond?
FRED
Married. Hot chicks marry rich
guys.
PETE
Oh, yeah. Got it.
FRED
But the husbands are working so
hard, cranking the jack,
vacationing at the Cape, and all of
it. Probably banging the intern
too.
PETE
Privileges of the ruling class...
FRED
Tell me about it. Anyway, the guys
who make the mega-money, don’t
produce the... uh, lineage.
PETE
So...
FRED
So the tennis-wife wiggles her
little finger and the pool boy, the
tile guy, or the friend of a
friend, is called in for duty.
Everybody knows the score. You take
a look at the money-man and say,
who looks enough like him, maybe
taller, maybe stronger, maybe
smarter. Probably funnier. And she
gets it done. Her side of the deal.
PETE
Man, you are so far in the weeds, I
don’t know what to say.
FRED
Tell me this: does she have a main,
sugar-daddy?
PETE
Not that I know of.
FRED
Not saying much.
PETE
Besides, I don’t think she’s
looking for some kind of tennis-mom
thing.
FRED
They’re ALL looking for the tennis
mom thing.
PETE
OK, Fred. Thanks. This has been
very helpful.
FRED
Hey, you have to look out for
yourself. If she is using you as a
substitute for her limp-dick money
man, dude, ride her with a buggy
whip. Every chance you get, throw
it down.
PETE
Why?
FRED
Because, think of it, if you are
the father, dude, you work in the
mailroom. If he thinks he’s the
father, he makes a metric-train
load of money, to spend on your
kid! Knock, that, business, up!
PETE
OK. I have to think about this.
FRED
Just saying, protect yourself,
brah.
PETE
10-4, Fred.
FRED
And, dude, good for you. You ‘da
man.
PETE
No, you ‘da man.
They share a high-five and go on their way.
4
INT. - LAW FIRM MAILROOM, LATER THAT DAY
Pete is fixing a printer that he brought down from one of the
offices.
PETE
(to himself)
How the hell did this get so jammed
up? I’ve never seen one this bad.
Pete’s phone buzzes, with a text.
KELLY
(as text)
What’s up Pete? It’s your favorite
10. K.
PETE
(typing)
How are you Kelly?
KELLY
(as text)
You free after work? Want to get a
cup of coffee? K.
PETE
(typing)
Sure. Starbucks at Dupont?
KELLY
(as text)
Let’s go to the one across the
street. It’s quieter. K.
PETE
(typing)
OK. 530?
KELLY
(as text)
Good. We should probably talk. K.
Pete stops and stares at the screen. He looks around the
mailroom, not sure what to do. He goes back to his phone.
PETE
(typing)
OK. See you there.
KELLY
(as text)
XOXO! K.
Pete shakes his head.
PETE
Girls.
He puts his phone back and gets back to work.
INT. STARBUCKS AT DUPONT CIRCLE, WASHINGTON, DC - EVENING
Pete comes out of the Metro escalator tunnel and sees Kelly
sitting in the window already. He goes in, waves and orders a
coffee. He sits next to her.
PETE
Hello, beautiful. Is this seat
open?
KELLY
I’ve been saving it for you.
PETE
Had a lot of interest in it?
KELLY
Some.
PETE
I bet you have. How was your day?
KELLY
I’ve been waiting around for your
call. But I guess you are busy.
PETE
I’m working! You know.
KELLY
You work downtown, right?
PETE
Yeah, Skid and Ropes. Big law firm.
I’m just in the mailroom.
KELLY
Why a law firm?
PETE
My dad, he works at their branch in
Philadelphia. He got me an
interview for entry level. And
that’s what I got.
KELLY
Your dad is a lawyer?
PETE
Yeah. I’ll be heading to law school
too.
KELLY
Oh? When?
PETE
I’m saving up now, for a trip. Then
after that, I’ll go to Penn Law.
KELLY
What trip?
PETE
I’m going to go around the world.
See some things.
KELLY
For how long?
PETE
I figure it should take me two
years.
KELLY
And the law school?
PETE
I applied and I told them that I
wanted to do a rough-travel trip
around the world, like, before law
school. And, it surprised me, but
they said, yeah. We want people who
have some experience in the world,
not just right out of some pre-law
undergrad.
KELLY
And your parents?
PETE
Mom is freaked, of course. But Dad,
I thought he would, like, be all
mad and upset, but he said, good.
Go.
KELLY
Really? He said that?
PETE
Yeah. He said, go and see places
where the police exploit the poor.
Go to places where judges are
corrupt. Go see poverty and
inequality. Then go to law school.
That’s what he said.
KELLY
Wow! That’s cool as hell.
PETE
Yeah, he’s cool as hell. But he
works for this fancy firm and does
a lot of corporate contracts.
KELLY
That sounds boring.
PETE
I thought so too, but he will tell
me about some dispute they are in
the middle of, and it was really
interesting, to see how to split
things fairly.
KELLY
Or punish the wicked?
PETE
Nah, not much of that going on.
KELLY
Where is God though, in the law?
PETE
God?
KELLY
Morality. Shouldn’t we be guided by
a higher authority, about right and
wrong?
PETE
(stares at her)
Well, in these United States, we
still have separation of church and
state, so God sits on the sideline
and the Constitution is the higher
power.
KELLY
The Constitution said women
couldn’t vote, originally.
PETE
And so, things change and they
added an amendment for that.
KELLY
And sin? How does the court weigh
sin?
PETE
Sin? Are you a holy-roller or
something?
KELLY
I just have questions.
PETE
Were your folks, like, super
Catholic?
KELLY
My mother was. My dad just goes
along.
PETE
She’s not anymore? Did she convert
or something?
KELLY
She died.
PETE
I’m sorry. Like, cancer?
KELLY
No. She, uh, killed herself. When I
was twelve.
PETE
Holy God! I had no idea. I’m so
sorry.
KELLY
Still hurts but, you know.
PETE
Wow.
KELLY
What about your folks?
PETE
They’re still alive.
KELLY
No, I mean, are they religious?
Practicing Catholics?
PETE
Hmm... Well, Mom loves her choir
friends. And Dad, he goes to see
her sing. But, practicing? Not so
much.
KELLY
And you?
PETE
Me? They pushed me out a long time
ago.
KELLY
That’s a shame.
PETE
Wait, why? Is that like the wrong
thing to say? Is that, like, a red
line for you?
KELLY
It’s not a red line, but, you know,
it’s a big part of my life.
PETE
OK. Well, just so you know, I’m not
really on board with going back.
Just saying.
KELLY
I’ll have to think about that.
PETE
Yeah.
They sit quietly for a moment.
PETE
What did you get, coffee?
KELLY
Tea. Green tea.
PETE
Supposed to be good for you.
KELLY
Yeah.
Awkward silence, in the busy Starbucks.
KELLY
Pete, I have to ask you something.
PETE
Ok. Shoot.
KELLY
You said you would wife-me-up. Are
you serious?
PETE
(laughs)
Sure! If I was rich, and had, like,
some great job. Definitely. You’d
be the total hottie, trophy-wife.
KELLY
And you said I could pick and
choose any man I wanted. Right?
PETE
Yeah, I mean anybody would want to
be with you.
KELLY
But what if I pick you?
PETE
Me?
KELLY
What if I say, you are too good to
pass up. I’ve got to marry you now,
for my own good. I can’t let you
get away.
PETE
Get away? Married? Look, I’ve got
my trip, law school. I can’t get
married. I mean, do you even have a
job?
KELLY
I thought you’d never ask. I’m the
cheese manager at the Whole Foods.
Good money, good benefits. I like
it.
Pete stares at her.
Cheese?
PETE
KELLY
It’s a career path in food. I
really like it.
PETE
Cheese? Like cheddar?
KELLY
Sure, we have English cheddars,
Vermont cheddars, New York,
Wisconsin. All different. All
interesting. And the cheesemakers
are the best. A lot of women in the
business.
PETE
Surely you’re just waiting around
for Mister Big to come along and
sweep you away from all of this.
Right?
KELLY
Pete, what if I told you that I’m
pregnant?
PETE
(stunned)
Pregnant?! Already? But I thought
you said you take the pill.
KELLY
I did say that.
PETE
Then how can you be pregnant?
KELLY
Just stop and think for a second.
If I was pregnant, what would you
do? What would you want to do?
PETE
(flustered)
I don’t know. I mean, this kinda
changes things.
KELLY
Would you marry me?
PETE
Uh, maybe. Yeah. I guess so.
KELLY
I’d marry you.
PETE
So are you sure?
KELLY
Sure?
PETE
I mean, that it’s me.
KELLY
(stunned)
You? Of course it would be you! I
haven’t been with anybody in over a
year.
PETE
Jesus, a year?
KELLY
But, Pete, relax. I’m not pregnant.
PETE
What? Why did you ask me then?
KELLY
Because it brings, I don’t know,
the future into a clearer focus.
PETE
For you maybe! It just scrambled my
brain.
KELLY
I want to go with you on your trip.
PETE
Around the world?
KELLY
We could get married and then
travel everywhere you want to go.
PETE
Wait, no. You can’t go on a trip
like this. Women don’t do that.
KELLY
Women have been travelling around
the world for centuries.
PETE
But it’s going to be rough
travelling. Camping. Sleeping under
bus stops. Getting rousted by the
police. Maybe checkpoints where
they haul you out of the car.
KELLY
But we could do it together.
PETE
They will rape you, Kelly! Do you
understand? It’s not safe for
women.
KELLY
I’ll bring a gun.
PETE
A gun? This is not some Tom Cruise
movie with Penelope Cruz.
KELLY
Wait. Cruise and Cruz? I heard they
just dated.
PETE
Whatever. If you bring a gun into
some countries and it gets found,
they will throw you in prison.
KELLY
But you are not scared? All this
extorsion, hijacking and torture?
That doesn’t bother you?
PETE
Of course it does. I just figure I
will keep my head down, blend in.
KELLY
Hidden in plain sight.
PETE
Yeah. And set up a Substack to blog
about my trip.
KELLY
Don’t you need sponsors, and, like,
some kid’s cancer treatment that
you are raising money for? Isn’t
that how it goes?
PETE
Or just save up, and go. That’s my
plan.
KELLY
While I’m here waiting, slicing the
cheese.
PETE
I mean, if my friend Fred asks me,
who cut the cheese? At least I’ll
be able to tell him.
KELLY
Oh, that’s fresh. Never heard that
one before. Ha. Ha.
PETE
(chuckles)
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.
KELLY
But Pete, listen to me. I’m
serious. I don’t want to let you
go. I don’t want to miss this
chance with you. I don’t want to
regret letting you get away. I
think this is bigger than both of
us.
PETE
I think you sound like a crazy
person. Bigger than both of us?
What does that even mean?
KELLY
(shocked!)
Crazy?! Is that what you think? Is
it?
PETE
No, I mean, it’s just putting so
much forward. Like loading so many
eggs in one basket. If we got
married, then I left for two years,
and THEN went back to Philly for
law school? What are you supposed
to do? Wait for me? What kind of
marriage is that? Is that even
being married?
KELLY
Pete, I want to tell you something
and I want you to be completely
honest with me. Do you promise?
PETE
Umm... sure.
KELLY
Promise?
PETE
I promise that I will be, as
always, completely honest with you.
But why are you being so weird?
KELLY
Could you love me if I told you I
have a disability?
PETE
Like a handicap?
KELLY
Yes, like that.
PETE
I guess. I mean, it’s not like it’s
your fault, probably, so, I mean, I
guess you meet the person where
they are, what they can do.
KELLY
Uh-huh.
PETE
Do you have a handicap?
KELLY
A disability. Yes, of a kind.
PETE
Are you going to tell me, what
kind?
KELLY
I’m not sure yet. I’m not sure I
believe you.
PETE
I think we’ve established that you
can trust me. I think I’ve earned
that.
KELLY
OK. Yes. I’d say so.
PETE
OK.
KELLY
Pete, I suffer from a form of
psychosis. Periodically, I go
between normal life and, sometimes,
hallucinations.
PETE
Oh.
KELLY
And I take medicine for it. It’s
not a death sentence. We have been
working, with my doctors,
therapists, and we’ve got it pretty
dialed in.
PETE
OK. Good. Good to hear.
KELLY
And I need to know if that’s a deal
breaker for you.
PETE
You said your mother, she killed
herself.
KELLY
Yes.
PETE
And have you... tried?
KELLY
Tried, but not succeeded.
PETE
Just once?
KELLY
Twice, but a long time ago.
PETE
And now, not so much?
KELLY
I don’t think about it very often,
no.
PETE
Hmm. So, like, inherited?
KELLY
Is that a red line for you?
PETE
No. No, it’s not. But...
KELLY
But what? What, Pete?! Tell me!
PETE
Was this fling with me, was that
just some manic episode?
KELLY
No! I like you.
PETE
It’s not just some trip, where you
find some sap that falls at your
feet and then wrangle him into
your...arms?
KELLY
You think I’m just playing the
beautiful-but-broken girl? Save
that for Tik-Tok.
PETE
I don’t know what that means. But
this sudden talk of getting
married, being pregnant, travelling
around the world, it all seems so,
so... unplanned. Like it’s kind of
a fever dream for you. But this is
my life. I am a real person.
KELLY
And I’m not? I’m just the broken
crazy girl? It’s not fair, Pete!
PETE
Look, I’m not saying I give up, or
that I don’t love you. I’m just
trying to understand what’s going
on here, between you and me.
KELLY
I am an open book, Pete. I’m all
right here. You’re looking at it.
PETE
OK. Well, there is one thing.
KELLY
Oh, here we go!
PETE
If you ever met my mother, she
would have a test for you. Not that
she would tell you it was a test
but it is. And if you fail, you’re
out, at least with her.
KELLY
What kind of test? Like a quiz?
PETE
Not like that. My father likes to
play cards, casual, not real
gambling. But he uses card games to
watch the character of the players.
Does somebody not put in for the
pot? Are the simple card games too
hard for somebody? Do they play
well with a partner? That sort of
thing.
KELLY
Are we going to play cards now?
PETE
No. My mother’s test is to look at
the feet.
KELLY
Feet?
PETE
She has told me, a thousand times,
“if a girl’s feet are dirty on the
bottom, cut her loose. If the soles
of her feet are dirty, then her
floors are dirty. If the floors are
dirty, then the counters, the
tables, the sheets and the sink
will be dirty. Dirty feet mean a
careless attitude.” That’s what she
said.
KELLY
Dirty feet?
PETE
I’m not sure I believe it, and I’ve
never put it to the test.
KELLY
Until now?
PETE
Can I see your feet?
KELLY
No.
PETE
Why not?
KELLY
Because it doesn’t matter what they
look like. If you want out, then
you will say they are dirty and use
that as an excuse to get away from
me. The pretty-crazy girl.
PETE
Please. Will you show me your feet?
KELLY
No.
PETE
Then I have to assume...
KELLY
That they are dirty?
PETE
(pause)
Yes.
KELLY
And if they are?
PETE
Then I have to go. I’m sorry.
(gets up)
KELLY
So if I show you my feet and they
are clean, which the are! Then you
will stay? But if they are dirty,
you leave? Is that really it?
PETE
I know it’s crazy... I mean! I’m
sorry! I didn’t mean that word.
KELLY
Oh go on!
PETE
I know it’s a strange thing but I
have heard it all my life and it’s
dug in so deep now that I couldn’t
be with somebody with dirty feet.
KELLY
You didn’t look at my feet when you
were pushing in from behind.
PETE
Actually, I did look. It was dark
but...
KELLY
But what?!
PETE
They were dirty.
KELLY
Oh my God!
PETE
And I decided to ignore it because,
I mean, it’s you.
KELLY
This is so humiliating!
PETE
I’m sorry. It’s how I was raised.
KELLY
But if I show you my feet right
now, and they are clean, then
you’ll stay? Right?
PETE
Eh, maybe. Probably. Probably, yes.
KELLY
And if I don’t show you, then you
walk.
PETE
I’m afraid so.
KELLY
Then you walk. No, I’m not showing
you my feet.
PETE
Are you sure? Really?
KELLY
If you let that be your red-line,
then you are the crazy one, not me!
You are either with me because you
love me or gone because you don’t
love me. Not some stupid test of my
feet!
PETE
You are right. I know you are
right. But that’s how it is. I’m
sorry.
KELLY
Sorry?
PETE
I’m going. Goodbye, Kelly.
(turns to leave)
KELLY
(crying)
Pete, we could have been so good
together.
PETE
I know. I’m sorry.
Pete takes his coffee and walks out into the DC evening.
She is crying. She absently slips her foot out of her shoe
and takes a look.
6
INT. PETE’S LAW FIRM - WORKDAY
Pete is pushing a mail cart down a hallway. He sees Fred in
the breakroom. Pete tries to take a turn away but Fred sees
him.
FRED
Mistah Pete! Pete-master! What up,
brah?
PETE
Hey, Fred. How you doing?
FRED
Chillin’ like a villain. Shining
like a diamond!
PETE
Yeah, you’re looking good. You
bring something special for lunch?
FRED
Shrimp salad, for the summer,
friend. I make the mayo myself. No
substitute. Miracle Whip, my ass!
PETE
It would be a miracle to see your
ass whipped in mayonnaise. Jezuz,
Fred! Why do you put these terrible
images in my head?
FRED
Sun Tzu, Art of War, student. Make
your enemy confused.
PETE
OK, sensei. Mission accomplished.
FRED
Yo, Super-Pete. Where you at with
the Miss Special K, the Total-Ten?
PETE
Eh, I broke it off.
FRED
You what? Dude! You were blazing a
trail, on the erotic highway! What
broke the dam?
PETE
She said she’d been having, like,
mental issues. She said she was
kind of crazy.
FRED
So?
PETE
And I’m like, well, if somebody
tells you who they are, you should
believe them. So I, like, split.
FRED
(derisive)
Rookie mistake! Rookie mistake.
PETE
What do you mean?
FRED
I mean, dude, she was throwing you
a line to, I don’t know, accept her
for who she is, and you flamed out.
PETE
A test?
FRED
She wouldn’t say it was a test.
Maybe it wasn’t. But still. Look,
you’ve got to get back in there and
ride that bronco in the ring. If
you can stay on, you win the prize.
PETE
What’s the prize?
FRED
Ok, look Pete. I’m going to spell
it out for you. I know you’re
young. What are you, 19?
PETE
Twenty-three.
FRED
Whatever. Look, from all the
academic papers I read in the
field, the accepted science is that
God makes women crazy.
PETE
God?
FRED
Well, god, mother nature, cosmic
entropy, whatever you are into.
Anyway, based on survey data,
chemical analysis and self-reported
experiences of women over fifty,
who have been through menopause,
they claim definitively that the
period between their first maturity
and their last cycle is an
uncontrolled roller-coaster of
emotion, fueled by a heady cocktail
of estrogen, endorphins and
testosterone supplements.
PETE
Testosterone supplements?
FRED
I’m paraphrasing. The scientific
terminology is Hot Cock Injections.
PETE
What?! Dude, you are completely
full of shit.
FRED
Young gun, I shit you not.
PETE
It sounds like you are.
FRED
This is the assembled wisdom, from
the words of the women themselves.
I’m not making this up. This is
what they say.
PETE
So, what, specifically?
FRED
The clear indication is that
women’s mental, sexual and physical
health is vastly improved when
there is a regular introduction of
the sex sauce.
PETE
What are you saying? I don’t know
what you are talking about.
FRED
OK, in simpleton terms? Regular,
partnered sex is good for female
health. Let me guess, she said,
“it’s been a while.”
PETE
She said it had been a year.
FRED
Well, there you go. Proof positive.
It really is use it or lose it, for
men and women.
PETE
So, because she hasn’t been having
sex, she has been going crazy.
FRED
Yes.
And now...
PETE
FRED
And now you are the hero she
deserves. You are the light at the
end of her dark tunnel.
You are the piece that fits into
her puzzle. You see where I’m going
with this.
PETE
I still don’t understand. So she
gets crazy because she’s not having
sex. Then when she has sex with me,
she tells me that she’s been going
crazy?
FRED
She’s telling you that you are the
solution, the anti-dote, the
vaccine that wards off crazy!
PETE
I don’t know man.
FRED
OK, let’s change gears here. I only
have a few minutes for this.
PETE
What?
FRED
Tell me about her butt.
PETE
What!?
FRED
Her butt. Tell me. Big, small,
flat, round, what?
PETE
You’re just a creep, man!
FRED
(emphatic)
This is practical stuff, Pete. You
need to know this. Tell me,
percentage up-top versus down-low.
Fifty-fifty?
PETE
No, she’s not real big up top, but
not too big below either.
FRED
Help me out. Percentage?
PETE
Forty-Sixty.
FRED
That’s good. That’s very good.
PETE
How can that be good? You don’t
even know her.
FRED
Look, when I’m motorcycle racing, I
choose the right bike for the
course. Lots of turns and flats,
the Italian Ducati. Lots of hills
and descents, the British, Triumph
Triple.
PETE
You don’t race motorcycles.
FRED
Of course I do. Moto-GP.
PETE
You’ve been to a race but not
raced!
FRED
I’m a certified racer. I can race.
Anyway this is not about me.
PETE
Where are you going with this?
FRED
But if I’m going on an overland
trip, long-haul, I take the big BMW
twelve-hundred. It’s comfortable in
the saddle. Smooth riding. Fast as
I need it to be and is forgiving in
the turns.
PETE
Yeah, so?!
FRED
So you want a woman like that, for
the long ride. I mean, Friday
night, you’re wound up like an
Italian weedwhacker, going out with
the boys to the dance club, all
Paco Ribane’d and Axe body sprayed
up.
You are looking for the girl with
the red racing stripes and fast
curves.
PETE
Fred, really?
FRED
But Monday morning, you want to
wake up with the person who is
there for the long ride. Sturdy in
the saddle, firm frame, strong
motor. Know what I mean? It sounds
like she’s the one.
PETE
Firm frame? Sturdy saddle? Yeah,
I’ll tell her that’s what you said.
FRED
Kind of fills out the picture, I
think. Listen, if you get the
chance, you have to get back in
there. If you don’t, some goombah
yahoo is going to sweep her away.
And then your Ten is gone.
PETE
So what do I do? I can’t believe
I’m even asking you this.
FRED
You’ll be surprised how well the
truth works. You tell her, I messed
up. You’re amazing. Let’s get
together.
PETE
Really? That’s it?
FRED
Knock and the door shall open.
PETE
(sighs)
Let me think about it.
FRED
Look, I gotta go but just remember,
it’s the easiest thing in the world
to admit your own error, failure
and bad judgement.
When you can admit that, it’s up to
the other person to accept or
reject you. And then, you’ll know.
PETE
I’ll know.
Gotta go.
FRED
Fred goes down the hall way.
PETE
(to himself)
I messed up. You’re amazing. Let’s
get together.
Pete thinks for a second and then types it out on his phone.
He goes down the hall with his deliveries.
7
INT. WINE BAR IN CHEVY CHASE - EVENING
Kelly is sitting at a high-top table.
Riley brings two glasses of wine from the bar. A martini is
delivered to the table by a waiter. Riley looks at the glass.
RILEY
What’s this?
KELLY
The waiter said it was for you,
from that guy at the end of the
bar.
Riley looks at the man. She picks up the drink and goes over
to talk to him. They chat, she laughs and sips the martini.
Then she pats him on the shoulder, leaves the martini with
him and returns to the table with Kelly.
RILEY
That was fun.
KELLY
What was that all about?
RILEY
Just a lost soul, looking for some
kinky-mommy love. Pretty sure he
spiked the drink.
KELLY
What?!
RILEY
I told him that I’m a dominatrix,
and if he wanted that kind of thing
he should go to his room, blindfold
himself and handcuff himself to the
bed. I told him I’d be up in an
hour to punish him.
KELLY
Are you serious?!
RILEY
Of course not. I’m not going up
there. And if he handcuffs himself
to his bed, the maids will find him
in the morning.
KELLY
You are wicked and cruel.
RILEY
And if he is handcuffed to his bed,
he won’t be down here bothering me.
That’s the main thing.
KELLY
OK. Cheers.
RILEY
Cheers!
They clink glasses.
KELLY
(sips)
This is nice.
RILEY
(sarcastic)
Oh, I forgot. You are a well
travelled connoisseur of wine.
KELLY
No, I mean, this place, this wine,
this moment, it’s nice. To be here
with you.
RILEY
Sure. ANYway! Talk to me. What did
loverboy say when you spilled the
beans?
KELLY
(sighs)
Not good.
RILEY
Oh, honey! I’m sorry. What
happened?
KELLY
I told him I have a disability.
RILEY
Is that what they call it?
KELLY
I told him I have mood swings but
we have them under control.
RILEY
What did he say?
KELLY
He said his mother has a test, and
if I fail, I’m out.
RILEY
A test?
KELLY
If I have dirty feet, he won’t see
me.
RILEY
Dirty feet? Wait. Your feet
weren’t...
KELLY
(nods)
But I didn’t show them to him. I’m
won’t be that degraded. But it was
humiliating.
RILEY
So he left? Because of your feet?
KELLY
I think that was just an excuse.
But I don’t know! Maybe it really
was the feet!
RILEY
Honey, honey, sweetie! Don’t worry.
It’s ok. It will be OK.
KELLY
No it won’t. Now he thinks I’m some
filthy pig-pen.
RILEY
Well...
KELLY
No! I’m not!
RILEY
But your feet were dirty. Are they
dirty now? Let me see.
KELLY
No!
RILEY
Let me see!
KELLY
Fine! Look! See! They are clean!
She pulls a foot out of her shoe and shows it to her sister.
The foot is clean.
RILEY
But Kelly, think, you’ve had to pay
special attention to it now,
haven’t you? You’ve had to think,
clean-feet, clean-feet. Haven’t
you? Because you don’t, you haven’t
before. It was OK because you live
like a twelve-year-old. But a man
wants a woman to be clean.
KELLY
But why?! Why are clean feet so
important? It’s stupid, is all.
RILEY
Oh sweet summer child. Look, if you
want somebody who is into you and
doesn’t care about your filthy
habits, then wander around some
music festival and pick up the
cutest dirtbag you can find. I’m
sure his hacky-sack skills will be
amazing!
KELLY
Look, I know Pete isn’t the richest
or most famous guy in the world. I
know that.
But he’s in my sights and I like
him. He’s sweet and funny, and he
likes me. How do I put the pieces
back together?
RILEY
Sweetie, men are so simple. It’s
not that hard. I’ve seen it from
every angle. Men’s lives are a
simple cycle of work-eat-sleep.
That’s it.
KELLY
I don’t understand.
RILEY
If they are really lucky, I mean
moonshot lucky, a fellow gets a
woman, who can add sex to the
cycle. Work-eat-sex-sleep. Repeat.
That’s why grandma’s formula worked
then and works now. Feed him, sex
him, then get him to bed. And he’s
off to work again.
KELLY
But what do I do? How does that
help me?
RILEY
Step one: feed him.
KELLY
Feed him?
RILEY
Make him dinner.
KELLY
Dinner?
RILEY
Then step two: sex him.
KELLY
I got that part.
RILEY
Step three: let him know that he is
safe, and he is loved, and he will
sleep like a babe in your arms.
KELLY
That sounds nice, actually.
RILEY
It is nice. It is woman-ing the
household. Once you start, you’ll
never want it to be any other way.
A man, fed and satisfied, in your
bed, and you are the engine of the
kitchen.
KELLY
Engine of the kitchen?
RILEY
Just roll with it.
KELLY
Ok.
RILEY
So first up, reel him in. You will
have to go straight at him like an
arrow, like a torpedo. Nothing can
stop you, get in your way. And when
that arrow hits his chest, go right
for the heart. Get right in there
and set your hooks. He has no
defenses for you. You are
beautiful. You are smart and funny
and, did I mention, god, you are
beautiful.
KELLY
Really?
RILEY
It will be like picking a rose off
the bush. Simple as that.
KELLY
But how? What do I do?
RILEY
Bring him home for dinner.
KELLY
You mean, make dinner?
RILEY
You do know how to make dinner,
don’t you?
KELLY
I mean, I’ve seen it on TV.
RILEY
Oh, boy...
KELLY
I mean, it can’t be that hard.
RILEY
Actually it’s not. You can get a
prepared plate right from the
grocery store. Microwave it for
five minutes. Then, if my
experience is any guide, slather it
with butter and hot sauce, and he
will eat the whole thing.
KELLY
Hot sauce?
Trust me.
OK.
So, menu.
Right.
RILEY
KELLY
RILEY
KELLY
RILEY
Beef. Steak. Rare. You want him to
see juicy, red flesh.
KELLY
Really?
RILEY
Really. Then asparagus, maybe green
beans, and mushrooms. Very phallic.
KELLY
For him?
RILEY
For you. He needs to see you
enjoying your food, swallowing
mushrooms, crunching asparagus. He
needs to see that you are a healthy
woman with healthy appetites. Don’t
skimp on this part. You can starve
yourself in the morning.
KELLY
But it’s so much.
RILEY
You want him or not?
KELLY
Well, OK.
RILEY
Serve it on disposable plates. Then
when you are done, throw them away.
Food scraps, everything.
KELLY
But what about nice plates,
silverware?
RILEY
That’s not what he’s here for. He
does not care. Trust me, he does
not care.
KELLY
If you say so.
RILEY
Next, take a shower.
KELLY
What?
RILEY
Tell him that you have been cooking
and working today, and it’s so hot,
whatever. Tell him you are going to
take a shower.
KELLY
A shower? Why?
RILEY
Kelly! He knows you have dirty
feet. If that’s what’s important to
him, you have to convince him that
you are scrubbed cleaner than a
Barbi doll going to a surgical
theater. Clean yourself. No
hairspray. No makeup. No lipstick.
KELLY
But a shower? After dinner?
RILEY
I learned this from a Japanese
woman, friend at the club. She said
it is the custom, what women do
before sex, take shower. Mostly
it’s for show, but whatever it
takes, right?
KELLY
I mean, if it works, I guess.
RILEY
So then, I think you know how to
take it from there.
KELLY
If I get that far. How can I get
him to give me another chance?
RILEY
First, patience. He’ll come around.
Because, hey, who is he going to
find that’s better than you?
Nobody. He’ll realize that and come
crawling.
KELLY
No, he won’t.
RILEY
Why not?
KELLY
He’s going on a trip.
RILEY
Sure he is. He made that up to dump
you.
KELLY
No, it’s true. He’s doing a two
year, around the world backpack
trip. Then he’s going to law school
when he gets back, in Philadelphia.
RILEY
Oh boy. When does he leave, did he
say?
KELLY
End of summer, I think.
RILEY
Sister-girl, you’ve got to get in
there. You can’t have him roaming
around the world, wallowing in the
fleshpots of the old-world. You’ll
never get him back.
KELLY
But he’s going to go.
RILEY
Then he should have his Sweet-Sally
waiting at home, pining for his
return. He has to make some
commitment to you, or else, I’m
afraid, he’s lost. Maybe he’s
already gone.
KELLY
I told him I want to get married.
RILEY
What?! You played the M-card
already? No wonder he’s a runaway.
KELLY
I said that I think he’s special
and we have something really good.
RILEY
And what did he say?
KELLY
He said I was crazy.
RILEY
Oh geez... Honey, what did you say?
KELLY
I told him about my diagnosis and
that everything is under control.
RILEY
That’s when he came up with the
clean-feet test?
KELLY
Yeah.
RILEY
Oh no. Oh boy. Sad. Maybe, sister,
it’s time to let go. I don’t think
you reel this one back in.
KELLY
I was so close! So close.
RILEY
To what?
KELLY
To, you know, being... normal.
RILEY
If you were that close, he wouldn’t
have gotten away. It’s not your
fault. You didn’t do this. You
didn’t cause this. You are managing
everything and you are OK. Remember
that. You are OK. And I love you.
KELLY
(crying)
I love you too.
They sit together in the busy space, present with each other,
glad to be sisters for each other, and sad at the same time.
RILEY
It will be OK.
KELLY
Sure.
Kelly’s phone buzzes with a message, from Pete.
Kelly looks at the phone, reads the message, beams at her
sister.
RILEY
What?! What?!
KELLY
“I messed up. You’re amazing. Let’s
get together.”
RILEY
From him?
KELLY
(nods excitedly)
From Pete!
RILEY
Yay Kelly! Yay!
Riley looks back at the bar, waves at the bartender for
another two glasses.
She sees the man from the bar getting up, looking at her,
smiling. She smiles back, nods and strokes her finger along
her nose, as a signal. The man nods and heads upstairs.
KELLY
What do I say?! What do I say?
RILEY
Honey, honey, don’t say anything,
right now. Just calm down, enjoy
the moment. We’ll get the response
in a minute. Just enjoy it. I mean,
he can’t resist you. He has to come
back.
KELLY
You think?
RILEY
Yes, honey, yes. So just remember
grandma. Work-Eat...
KELLY
Sex-Sleep.
RILEY
Rinse and repeat. Good for you,
honey!
KELLY
I love you!
Zoom out and see all the tables in the place with all the
dramas, all the relationships and conversations. Another busy
night in Chevy Chase.
8
INT. KELLY’S APARTMENT - EARLY-EVENING
Kelly is alone in the apartment, preparing for her next
meeting with Pete. She is fussing with clothes, her hair, her
makeup, etc. She is restless and agitated.
KELLY
(to herself)
What am I getting myself into? Oh,
Kelly, you stupid girl, you got
yourself into this thing and now
it’s a big, fat mess. First he
finds out that I’m slutty tramp,
and then thinks that I’m a dirty
pig-pen of a girl. Nobody is going
to love a sloppy, dirty slut!
Why is he doing this? Getting
together, just so he can dump me
once and for all? I can’t go. I
won’t go. Not for all the tea in
China. He can go jump in the
Potomac if he thinks I’m going to
let him walk all over me, when I’m
the one, me, I’m the one who made
the first move on him. I’m the
brave one. He’s just a scared
little boy, that’s all he is.
He thinks his family is better than
mine? That’s a hot one! Just
because he’s going to law school
doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve
to be loved. I’m a good person. And
he knows it.
I can’t stand that I’ve been
letting myself get played, by such
an oily, ass of a person. He’s just
disgusting. I can’t even think
about him anymore.
She sits in front of a makeup mirror and adjusts her eye
makeup.
KELLY
I mean, look at me. I am a ten.
Perfect ten, that’s who. That’s who
you are dealing with Mister Peter
Pumpkin Eater!
But oh god, it was so hot! When I
was on top of his beautiful body, I
just exploded. And then him on top
of me. Oh god it was so hot.
Oh well, I’d better remember it
good because that’s never happening
again. Kelly, you dirty slut, he’s
going to put you out onto the
street, with the trash. You’ve got
that special kind of crazy that
will push people away from you,
everybody that you love, and you
will be a lonely whore, sleeping on
a piece of cardboard in the park.
Oh! I just want to kiss him. I want
to hold his hands.
I want to press up next to him when
we’re sitting on the couch. I want
to feel that invisible connection,
that love, that binds two people
together in their hearts. I want to
fill that aching blackness of
loneliness with light and love. I
want us to be together. Is that too
much to ask?
I guess, I guess, I have to trust
the universe. Put myself out there
and see. If he rejects me, then I
guess that’s it. But if he loves
me, maybe there is some right and
good in the world. I will trust. I
will do it. And whatever happens,
well, that’s how it goes. You can
do this Kelly. You can and you
will! Now stop fussing and go!
She gets up, smooths her outfit and goes out the door.
9
EXT. SMITHSONIAN CASTLE, THE GARDEN SIDE - LATER
Pete is already there, sitting on a bench, flipping through
his phone. He has a small backpack because he has come from
work. Kelly comes out of the Metro station and sees Pete on a
bench. She stops and looks, giving herself a quick pep-talk,
then approaches.
KELLY
Hey, handsome! Enough room on that
bench for one more?
PETE
Been saving it for you.
Pete stands up as she approaches. She moves in close and
kisses him. Then she sits on the bench. He is flustered but
sits at the other end.
KELLY
Been waiting long?
PETE
Long enough to see the President’s
helicopter fly over. That was
pretty cool.
KELLY
(laughs)
If you like that kind of thing.
PETE
So...how are you?
KELLY
Did I wash my feet, is that what
you mean? Yes, my feet are clean.
PETE
(embarrassed)
No, no. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said
that about your feet. Your feet are
lovely. I apologize. That was a
mean thing to say.
KELLY
Accepted.
PETE
I mean, how are you, this week?
KELLY
Kind of confused, actually, but
it’s Friday so that gets us to the
weekend.
PETE
Confused? Me too. I can’t think
about anything, anyone, but you.
You are all I think about. I’ve
been getting really scared,
thinking that I might be losing
you. And, I know, I’m just this
dope, regular-guy, and you’ll
probably just dump me right here. I
get that. But I can’t imagine a
world where I didn’t ask you to
give me another chance.
KELLY
And here I had it vicey-versey. I’m
pretty sure this meeting is not a
date, but a set-up to tell me to
get lost.
PETE
Really? Really? Oh, I’m so sorry. I
don’t mean anything like that.
KELLY
You sure?
Yeah.
PETE
KELLY
Positive?
Positive.
PETE
KELLY
But maybe I am here to dump you.
PETE
Don’t say that.
KELLY
Well... I’m not. OK?
PETE
OK.
KELLY
So, what then?
PETE
What, what?
KELLY
What are we going to do?
PETE
I was telling my buddy Fred about
you, at work. He said a good woman
is like his cruiser motorcycle,
comfortable in the saddle, strong
motor and easy in the curves.
KELLY
Comfortable saddle? Strong motor?
Is that what I am?
PETE
He said, when you find a good one,
you keep her.
KELLY
You like my big motor, huh?
PETE
Um, yeah.
KELLY
Well, I was telling my sister about
you. She said I should make a steak
for you and then throw down some
hot sex on you. How’s that sound?
PETE
(nods)
Always love a good steak.
KELLY
A good steak, huh?
PETE
Listen, I don’t know what to do. I
have my trip coming up, law school.
I don’t know how to work all that
out. But I want to.
KELLY
Really?
PETE
Really. Like you said, take it
slow, or fast, whatever, but ride
along together for a while.
KELLY
Is this back to my comfortable
saddle?
PETE
Umm...yeah.
KELLY
But Pete, I told you. I have a
disability that makes me unstable
sometimes. Are you ready for that?
PETE
No, probably not. I don’t know how
to do that but I do know one thing.
I think you’re a keeper.
KELLY
Wait, so now are you trying to wife
me up? Come on.
PETE
Well, actually, maybe, kinda.
KELLY
Sure, sure.
Pete reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small jewelry
box. He hands it to her.
PETE
Here’s something.
KELLY
(opening box)
Oh my god, is this real? Is this
really happening?
PETE
Yeah, kinda sorta.
KELLY
Are you proposing to me, Pete?
PETE
Well, I’m not sure about that part.
See, I’m thinking we should take it
slow, or fast. But try it out, us.
See how it goes.
KELLY
Wait, so it’s not an engagement
ring?
PETE
Yeah, maybe not so much. But a
thing that kinda means, like, we’re
together. You know.
KELLY
So, let me see. Can I say pre
engaged?
PETE
I mean, if you have to put labels
like that on it, but see, I just
don’t want to have the pressure of
expectations. Let’s just try it out
for a while. But together.
KELLY
So I don’t need to make the steak
then?
PETE
Well, I do love a good steak.
KELLY
And throwing down the hot loving?
PETE
Well, yours is the hottest, and I
do love a good throw down. But it’s
up to you. I mean, I want to devour
you. But hey, who wants to be
devoured? It just feels exploitive
and objectifying. Right?
KELLY
Well, I can’t think of anybody who
would want to be devoured,
objectified and thoroughly
ravished, present company excluded
of course.
PETE
Is that a backwards... green light?
KELLY
So green, Pete. So green. Super
green!
PETE
Well, if you are going to kick my
butt for being a big dope, I know
where you live so let’s get this
butt-kicking started.
KELLY
Kiss me now, or lose me forever!
She leans in and they kiss, holding each other. They get up,
holding hands and walking towards the street.
PETE
My super ten.
KELLY
Have I told you about my
comfortable saddle? You’ll have to
try it out.
PETE
See how it handles in the curves?
KELLY
That’s the spirit!
END