Ladies Don't Talk About Sex After 40. They Just Stop Doing It.

After 40, many women don’t lose desire, but they certainly lose permission to talk about it 😉 This episode breaks the silence around sex, hormones, and intimacy, and why stopping the conversation often hurts more than the changes themselves. Honest, validating, and unladylike in the best way.

Music from #Uppbeat
https://uppbeat.io/t/mountaineer/break-it-down

What is That's Not Very Ladylike?

That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.

Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.

Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.

Tracey: 00:13

You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week, we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. Welcome to another episode of That's Not Very Ladylike. And today before we jump in, I just want to say a couple of important things. So first, if you've got little ears around this episode talks openly about sex. So it is an adult conversation.

Tracey: 01:05

And so it's okay to save this one for later. Second, when I talk about sex in this episode, I want to make sure that it's clear that I'm talking about consensual sex in adult relationships. And I know this is like, Okay, Tracy, we got it. Like, let's jump in. But I think it's really important to say this.

Tracey: 01:27

So not all women have had safe sexual experiences. And not all women grew up with healthy models of sex. And then unfortunately, even for some women sex has been confusing, coercive, harmful, definitely not empowering. So if that's part of your story, nothing I say here is meant to dismiss that or gloss over it. And so I also want to be 100% clear if you're listening to my podcast.

Tracey: 01:57

When I say sex, mean adults, which means above the age of consent, where consent is asked for, respected and can be withdrawn and where safety, agency, and choice matter. And that is the only definition I'm working from here. And I'm naming it intentionally because let's just put it out there, in this moment we are seeing far too many stories in the news about young girls exploitation and abuse. And if you don't like that, there's other podcasts you can listen to. I'm not backing down on that one.

Tracey: 02:31

So sex is not neutral. Power dynamics do matter. Age matters. And so does consent. So this conversation is about women having the right to agency and voice in safe consensual adult relationships.

Tracey: 02:53

So if at any point this topic feels heavy or triggering, it's okay to pause or even stop listening altogether. So you don't owe me or this episode anything. And I just want to be clear about that. And because of my social work background, this stuff really matters to me. If anything in this episode brings up the realization that your sexual relationship isn't safe emotionally, physically, or sexually, help is available.

Tracey: 03:25

So if you're in The United States, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 99 which is 90233. Or you can text START to 887808. Text start to 88788. They're available 20 It is confidential. And what I love is you don't have to know what to say.

Tracey: 03:54

And so if calling feels like too much, even acknowledging to yourself that something isn't okay is a powerful first step. So let's jump in kids because this one is spicy. And, you know, I've been I've been doing a lot of work on myself personally. And I've just realized in the last several years, have I have monitored myself. I have responded to others comfort levels when it comes to speaking.

Tracey: 04:27

And twenty twenty six is going to be different. So I 100% understand that when you hear this week's story, it might be too spicy for you and I may not be the girl for you. And I am okay with that. Because I have things to say. I have relevant things to say.

Tracey: 04:43

And I'm not going to apologize for the amazing crazy life I've had. So let's jump in today's episode. Ladies don't talk about sex after 40. They just stop having it. Or at least that's the story we're sold.

Tracey: 04:58

So this episode isn't about how often you're having sex. It's not about technique. It's not about performance. It's about what happens emotionally when we learn it's safer to laugh it off than to own our own lives out loud. So there's kind of a rule that goes with this and I want to name it.

Tracey: 05:18

So somewhere around 40, women aren't just taught a new rule about sex. They're taught what kind of sex is acceptable for someone their age. So sex is supposed to be young, flashy, effortless, maybe even a little reckless. So I mean sex belongs to youth. I mean, that's I've seen that statement before.

Tracey: 05:40

And so once you're considered grown, sex is supposed to fade out quietly or at least become invisible. Because culturally, we've decided that sex after a certain age is awkward, a little gross, something we'd rather not picture. And if you're not actively trying to have children and if sex isn't being justified by reproduction, that makes some people even more uncomfortable. So there's this unspoken idea that once you hit a certain age, you should be above it, more mature, more evolved, less interested. And like wanting pleasure means you didn't grow up properly.

Tracey: 06:21

I mean, have so much that that's another podcast. So women learn what's allowed. You can joke about losing desire. You can laugh about being tired. And you can even roll your eyes and say, who has the energy anymore?

Tracey: 06:38

But you are not supposed to say, I still want this. I still enjoy this. And I still care about this part of my life. Because a woman over 40 who owns her sexuality openly and honestly, those women are disrupting a story. And so let's look at what women are actually being punished for.

Tracey: 06:58

So women aren't punished for having sex. They're punished for having agency. And what I mean by that is we're allowed to be sexual when it's performative, when it's decorative, and when it's for someone else's enjoyment. But when sex becomes self directed, so that's like when it includes preferences, boundaries, and a voice, it stops being acceptable because a woman who knows what she wants is harder to manage. And so here's the part no one really explains.

Tracey: 07:30

Sex can be fun, flashy and racy. And there is nothing wrong with that. That version of sex gets plenty of airtime, my friends. But for many women, this season of life, and I'm talking about after 40, this midlife as they call it, this season of life isn't about turning the volume up for attention. It's actually about turning the lights on for yourself.

Tracey: 07:53

And this is often the stage where women start saying, I like this. I don't like that. Slower. Different. Not tonight.

Tracey: 08:03

Yes. Like that. And instead of being celebrated as confidence, it's treated as inconvenience. Because when women step into their power sexually sex stops being something they perform and starts being something they participate in fully. And they may even go from prudish to full on ownership.

Tracey: 08:29

What? And sometimes their partner may wonder, who is this person? Because this is not how it's always been. So now we're getting into the spicy part kids and you're going to learn a little bit more about me, probably more than you want to know. But if you're my friend, I have shared this story at parties and people have requested me to share my stories at parties.

Tracey: 08:50

So as this podcast goes on, I've had the craziest, most awesome life so far. And I've got a lot of funny stories to share. So if it's not your cup of tea, I get it. But listen, this is a good one. So we're going to knock it into turbo speed here.

Tracey: 09:08

And I want to tell you about a time when well, before I say this, last reminder, this episode is not for little ears. So if children are around, please pause this episode until you can listen to it without the kids. I don't want your children getting an education from me today. So back in 2021, we were finally allowed to start traveling again after COVID as long as you masked up. So we got together with two of our dear, dear friends and we've traveled together a lot and decided let's go to Colorado because we live in Texas.

Tracey: 09:40

So we want snow, we want cold, we want it all. I was 43, almost 44 at the time. So we're sitting on the plane still at the gate, not taking off yet. Our friends are a few rows ahead of us and I'm sitting next to my husband. The pilot comes on and says, folks, we're experiencing some issues with a piece of luggage.

Tracey: 10:01

We'll get it corrected and then we'll be cleared to taxi to take off. Like most of us, no one reacted. We're all on our phones reading. People were sleeping. A few minutes later though another announcement comes on.

Tracey: 10:16

Folks, it appears we have a situation with some luggage that seems to be vibrating. Cue the awkward laughs, the eyebrow raises, the jokes. And then the pilot comes on for a third time and says, It would help if the person who believes this suitcase may belong to them if you could raise your hand so a flight attendant can explain what's happening. Now the plane is full on laughing, inappropriate vibrator jokes and adult toys. They're starting to fly.

Tracey: 10:51

And then I look over at my husband and he goes, who doesn't take the batteries out of their vibrator before they travel? And I laughed, belly laughed. I said, I know, right? I was like, Goodness, what are people doing nowadays? What he didn't see was the amount of sweat happening under my outfit because guess what, guys?

Tracey: 11:14

I packed my vibrator and I didn't take the batteries out. Our friends are laughing, making faces. I'm hearing everything on the plane from get it girl to that's disgusting. And I start sinking lower in my seat. So I decide I lean over to my husband and whisper.

Tracey: 11:35

I didn't take the batteries out of my vibrator To which he says what? Then he smiles. And ladies, they don't work to his advantage with me because I usually know he's up to something but he has the biggest dimples. And so those dimples were full on activated and he goes, I'm going to raise my hand and say, hell yeah, that's my wife. So I grabbed his hands and I'm like, knock it off.

Tracey: 12:02

Like, don't, don't do this. And I'm like, it's probably, probably not even me. They're just maybe we're like stuck at the gate. And they're just trying to be funny. You know, I mean, I don't know if that's supposed to be, I mean, maybe you had some better jokes to crack, but hey.

Tracey: 12:17

So I even started to kind of convince myself this is probably not my bag and I need to just chill out. So eventually they resolve the issue. We fly to Colorado, we get to the Airbnb, we start unpacking. And I'd really almost forgotten about it until I unzip my bag and see my vibrator taken apart. Batteries removed.

Tracey: 12:38

Y'all, it was me. It was my bag. I couldn't deny it. I showed my husband he could not stop laughing. And I told him, said, we cannot tell our friends that it was me.

Tracey: 12:52

We just can't. And so I didn't. Not for a year. And then finally, was like, y'all remember that moment? That was your was your friend here.

Tracey: 13:03

So what a fun story, right? I mean, come on, I should have really thought that through. But I really do want to like step back from the humor for a moment about what that moment was really about. Because I love this story for a lot of reasons. One, ridiculous things really do happen to me.

Tracey: 13:22

People think I exaggerate all the time. They meet my husband and they're like, for real, this stuff finds her. But more importantly, there was a moment of self betrayal that I didn't really see at the time. Because I heard the comments, I heard the laughter, but I also heard the disgust. And without anyone directly saying it to me, I started to absorb that message of this is inappropriate.

Tracey: 13:47

This is gross. This is not who you're supposed to be at this age. And instead of letting that be a private, consensual decision between me and my partner, I turned it inward. I did something wrong. I should be embarrassed.

Tracey: 14:09

And I always need to hide this side of me. And that's how conditioning works. So there's always a historical truth that we're rarely saying out loud. And so here's the context we don't give women nearly enough. Sex has almost never been about pleasure for women.

Tracey: 14:30

Historically, sex was about ownership, access, obligation, control, reproduction. Not a lot of times did anybody really care if there was desire, curiosity, and certainly didn't care if there was enjoyment. And so for centuries, women's bodies were treated as something to be used, not something that was wanted. And men could, and let's just be truthful here, often still can take sex when they want it inside marriage and partnerships, outside marriage and partnerships, and with very little consequence. And men who do step outside of committed relationships are excused, understood, and sometimes even admired.

Tracey: 15:27

But they're definitely not ruined by it. But women, women who want sex, especially outside of the right conditions that have been set for us, have always paid a price. And they have been labeled whores, sluts, loose, immoral, untrustworthy. And those labels were not accidental. I'm sorry, my friends.

Tracey: 15:56

They were not. They were tools because a woman who desires freely is harder to control. And unfortunately, that history still lives in us. So even now, even with all of our progress, because we have made some, some progress, history still lives quietly in our backgrounds. So it's going to show up in ways like women feel guilty for wanting pleasure.

Tracey: 16:22

Women apologize for having needs. Women justify sex by love, commitment, or marriage. And women feel embarrassed owning desire past a certain age. And it shows up when a woman feels she has to explain why she still wants sex instead of simply wanting it. And it shows up in moments like that plane where laughter, judgment, and disgust all coexist.

Tracey: 16:49

And women learn again without anyone actually saying it directly to their face, this isn't for you. This isn't yours. And this should be hidden. So what I want to talk about and what I'm kind of moving this podcast into this direction because it does somewhat intersect with the work that I do as my other alter ego as that hormone girl. There is an emotional cost of silence.

Tracey: 17:18

And so here's the part that lingers long after the laughter dies down. Moments like that don't just pass. They teach. They teach women what happens when their sexuality becomes visible. And they teach us which parts of ourselves are acceptable and which ones should be hidden.

Tracey: 17:37

Because in that moment on the plane, nothing bad actually happened. No one was harmed, no line was crossed, and no boundary was violated. But my body learned something anyway, and it learned this is embarrassing, this is not meant to be seen, and this part of you should stay private, not because it's sacred, but because it's risky. And that's how silence starts to root itself. It's not always through big trauma.

Tracey: 18:09

It's not through someone getting in your face and saying, You should be ashamed. But most commonly, it's through dozens of tiny moments where visibility feels unsafe. So then women start doing emotional math. If I say this, will I be judged? If I own this, will I be mocked?

Tracey: 18:33

If I don't laugh it off, will I be labeled inappropriate? And eventually, silence feels easier than explaining. So, let's talk about here's a shift that we are in and it's important. The biggest change isn't that sex suddenly became about pleasure for women. This is not like something that's starting in 2026, my friends.

Tracey: 18:55

The change is that some women are done carrying the shame. And I'm just going to say it. Some women are looking at that old scarlet letter. And you know what you're talking about, that big red S for slut and saying, no. That story doesn't belong to me anymore.

Tracey: 19:16

They're refusing to apologize for wanting, refusing to justify desire with sacrifice, and we're refusing to make ourselves smaller to stay respectable in your eyes. And that doesn't mean every woman wants more sex. I'm not saying suddenly now we're like sexual liberation. What I'm saying it is about it is it means women want choice. Choice without punishment.

Tracey: 19:44

Choice without your moral judgment on me and choice without disappearing. And why this matters for women 40 so much in this season of life is because many women 40 are finally asking, What do I want? Not, What's expected of me? And that question threatens a system that has always relied on women being quiet, compliant, and grateful. So when a woman 40 owns her sexuality openly, honestly, and without apology, it's not just personal to the system, it's disruptive.

Tracey: 20:31

So no, women have not suddenly become too sexualized, too wrapped up in pleasure. We just stop pretending that this was ever a neutral topic and choosing not to carry that shame forward and instead saying, This is mine. So here's what almost no one tells women about this stage of life. And let me tell you, it was an education and an awakening. Yes, things change.

Tracey: 21:02

Your body changes. Your tolerance changes. Your willingness to put up with bullshit drops dramatically. But what's actually happening here isn't loss. It's coming into alignment.

Tracey: 21:14

So this is the season where excess falls away, where pretending gets exhausting, where performing stops being worth the cost. And for a lot of women, this is the first time they're not asking things like, Am I desirable enough? Am I doing this right? Am I enough for someone else? And now what we're saying is, do I want this?

Tracey: 21:37

Do I enjoy this? And does this feel true to me? And that shift alone changes everything. Because when desire stops being about approval and starts being about honesty, it becomes grounded instead of frantic. And it becomes owned instead of borrowed.

Tracey: 21:58

And yes, that means sex looks different. It might be slower. It might be more intentional. It might be less frequent, but more real. And it might be more playful because the pressure is gone.

Tracey: 22:11

Or it might finally be yours for the first time in your life. And this is the season where many women stop auditioning and we are here to participate. I am not here to impress you any longer. I am not here for you to keep. I am not here to prove.

Tracey: 22:32

But I am here to be present. And that kind of presence, that's power. If this were allowed to be said, it might sound like this to yourself. I don't want to feel ashamed for wanting pleasure. If you were saying it to a safe person, I'm still a sexual being, and I don't want to hide that.

Tracey: 22:55

To your friends, I actually enjoy this part of my life, and I'm done pretending that's embarrassing. If you just said it out loud as honesty, my sexuality is not up for public judgment. And then if you wanted to step into some full ownership today, I get to decide what's right for my relationship and my body. And you don't have to say these out loud. But guess what?

Tracey: 23:16

Even if you say them in your mind, you are rewiring the way your brain interacts with your body and the shame and the story that you carry. So let's reflect on these things before we wrap up today. And just sit with it. And it's not for you to judge yourself and you don't have to change anything. Maybe you just noticed today because reflection isn't about deciding what am I going to do.

Tracey: 23:40

Sometimes it's just about where have I been asked to disappear that maybe I didn't even consent to. So instead of asking why did that moment bother me so much? Here's what I want you to think about instead. Where in my life do I still laugh things off instead of owning how I might actually feel? And what parts of myself have I learned to keep quiet because they might make other people uncomfortable?

Tracey: 24:08

When did I first learn that wanting, which is pleasure, closeness, honesty, when did that come with a cost? Whose comfort have I been prioritizing over my own presence? And what truth feel real inside me but still feel risky to say out loud? And if some of those questions bring up resistance, numbness, or like you're irritated, that counts. And that means you're probably close to something that's living in honesty inside you.

Tracey: 24:43

So reminder, you don't need to make any decisions today. You don't need to have conversations that you're not ready for. And you really don't need to justify anything to anyone. So reflection really is simply about letting yourself stay present instead of disappearing. Because the goal here is to be truer.

Tracey: 25:02

And truth has a way of changing things even before you ever say a word. So here's what I want you to take with you. This is a little bit of a longer one, but this is a passionate topic, my friends. Talking about sex after 40 isn't immature and it isn't vulgar and it isn't something you age out of once you're finally grown. It's part of being a human.

Tracey: 25:26

And what we've been taught to silence isn't desire. It's women owning themselves. And when women go quiet here, it's rarely because they stopped wanting. And it's more because they learned through a thousand small moments that being seen came with judgment. So we laugh it off, we minimize it, we hide those parts of ourselves that were never wrong to begin with.

Tracey: 25:55

But guess what, my friends? You know what's great about after 40? This is not the season of life where we start shrinking and it's about deciding what we are done carrying. We don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting pleasure. We don't owe anyone comfort at the expense of my own presence.

Tracey: 26:17

And you do not need permission to ask for what you want. Not in your body, not in your relationships, and not in your life. Because wanting connection does not make you needy, and wanting pleasure does not make you inappropriate. And speaking up, speaking up, my friends, does not make you difficult. It means you know yourself.

Tracey: 26:38

So let's wrap this up. It is your damn right to want what you want. It is your damn right to say what works and what doesn't. And it is definitely your damn right to stop disappearing to keep other people comfortable. And choosing not to disappear, choosing to stand fully in who you are even when it makes people squirm, that's not being too much.

Tracey: 27:04

That is you taking up the space you were always meant to occupy. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice. And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl.

Tracey: 27:37

And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.