Clarity and Connection Through Intentional Living | Clara Capano

Explore the transformative concept of work-life harmony versus balance through personal anecdotes and real-life examples, including the challenges of raising a child as a single parent.

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Connect with Clara Capano

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Discover how embracing harmony can lead to a more satisfying and guilt-free existence, and learn why allowing vendors to buy speaking slots can detract from your event’s value. 

Hear about the different seasons of life and how aligning your values with your professional goals can attract like-minded individuals and lead to more fulfilling career choices.

Join us for a heartfelt conversation with Clara Capano, where we delve into her commitment to positively impacting people's lives. 

Clara offers practical advice on achieving clarity and overcoming fear, sharing her journey of aligning career goals with core values. Find out how to connect with Clara for guidance and inspiration, and get inspired by the transformative power of purposefully being present and making meaningful connections.

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Host

Ryan Hanley

Entrepreneur. Speaker. Advisor.

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This is the way.

00:01 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Actually, I'm on the board of an event. The industry that I came out of is the insurance industry. I still do some work there and I'm on the board of a large event in Vegas and I got him on as a keynote speaker, so I was really excited about that.

00:18 - Clara Capano (Guest)
I know he is super excited too and, yeah, definitely would love to learn more and hopefully stay connected with you, so yeah stage for me out there one day.

00:29 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, yeah, no, I, you know part of the. So I love, I love events. I love the experience that events can provide. What comes with that, unfortunately, is I'm like easily offended by people who don't put any effort into their event yet they want to like charge people to go and you probably see it as a speaker to, like you know you can look at all the pictures online. You know, talk to people, get a feel, but like you never really know what you're gonna get until you get there. And sometimes you know you talk to somebody, you got a, got a great. You know you feel you're excited and then you show up and you're just like I can't believe people are paying to be here.

01:11 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Like you know you do your best and you rock and roll and and it's all good, but like oh yeah oh, I know I had one of those earlier this year and I'm like really, yeah, I mean it made me feel really good, because I'm like, wow, I'm really good as far as the caliber, but just like, yeah, the level of the facility, the timing, you know, I'm just like, oh yeah.

01:34 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Well, what's interesting about that is you hear a lot of event organizers, a lot of organizations that have events. They complain that people don't want to come to events anymore. I hear that all the time and I think that's as false as false gets. People are more discerning now. People have more access to photos on Instagram, on your website, on your YouTube channel, and people don't want to pay money to go to events just to go to them anymore. Right, and they've seen events where it's a real experience, and that doesn't mean you have crazy lights and music and all kinds of accoutrements. That's not what it means.

02:11
But the uns, you know, on a random set of speakers on a stage, with a chicken lunch, in a gray room, in some hotel, wherever you are, you know it just with the, with the hotel AV team and a three foot stage that's 10 feet wide, like people don't want that. You know what I mean. They don't. They don't want that anymore. They they want to come for a purpose, they want to learn, they want to connect, they want to grow, and there's a million ways, even if you don't have a huge budget, that you can put on an event that really provides an experience, and people are just more discerning? I think I don't think are.

02:53 - Clara Capano (Guest)
And no, I actually I don't sell from stage. I just feel that it devalues, because I don't think people want to be there for an infomercial. They want to leave there inspired with value, with knowledge. So I don't sell from stage. And you know I don't like it too when I go to an event and I'm just like, oh, here it comes and it's like the only reason they're there is to get to the pitch. And you know it's like if you deliver value, the right people will follow you and business always follows.

03:19 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
I know I'm with you. I was part of another. This is a different event, not the one that Marcus is speaking at. But I'm on the event committee for a different event and I show up at the meeting and I'm just an advisor, I'm not a decision maker. And you know, we as a committee had sent a list of 20 different speakers and ideas and all this different speakers and ideas and all this. And then we see, we get the agenda and there's two paid speaking slots from vendors, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. And I said, I said what, what are these? And they were like well, you know, uh, we needed the sponsorship dollars and the only way they would sponsor is if they spoke.

04:00
And I'm like one, I've been part of enough events to know that's not true. They're going to ask and they're going to push, but you can easily say no, they'll still show up. And two, you just destroyed your event. You just destroyed your event because now what you've told everybody is that delivering max value, giving you the tools, resources, knowledge, information, to, to, to grow in whatever way you're there for that event. You just told them that all that really matters is if you pay enough money, you can stand on stage and that is a killer, it's an absolute destroyer of value at events, and there's no way of hiding it. Uh, and it just I don't understand it, but it is pervasive. And then people are like, well, how come no one's coming back next year, because they don't want to pay for an eight-hour infomercial.

04:57 - Clara Capano (Guest)
That's why it's so true, gosh, wow.

05:03 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Well, in researching you and stuff, the first thing that stood out to me that I just, I just I would love for you to expand on, it's right at the top of your website. It's like the first thing I read and I was like, oh, like what is that difference? Why harmony and not balance? What is the difference between harmony and balance? Like where does that come from? Because it's funny, I hadn't heard a lot of people say that before. I don't have any like formal content around it. I've said it before on the show that I don't believe in balance, I believe in harmony, but I've never really put pen to paper. And then you've outlined it here and I just was like, yes, that was like you know, I'm reading your website, going like this, you know, nodding my head for those listening at home so like, talk to me about that difference. Why not balance? Why harmony? And how do they? How do they? How are they different?

05:59 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Yeah Well, you know when you're in, when you're in, when you're looking at balance, you know, think of a teeter totter. You know it only balances for a short time. Life doesn't stay that way, it's constantly moving. And so the idea is don't strive for balance, it's striving for the tradeoffs, it's striving for finding the ways that work for you, because too many times we try to live our lives by the standards, by the accordance of what other people tell us we should be doing, when that may or may not work for us. And who are we to judge someone else for the way that they show up? You know, just because I'm a morning person doesn't mean that you have to be a morning person if that doesn't work for you. You know, sometimes the female stays at home, sometimes the male stays at home and raise the kids. That's their idea of harmony.

06:53
You know, as a single mom raising my son from the time that he was one and a half, as a single mom, you know I had to look at these.

07:02
You know I couldn't run my days the way that other people in a dual parent household did, and by trying to meet those standards I was beating myself up and living with so much guilt and so much shame, when what I really had to do is lean in to what was it that I really needed, what was it that my son really needed, and to live it that way.

07:24
So for me, you know, harmony is, you know, sitting at the table with my son when he would do his homework and I would sit next to him with my computer out doing my homework. You know Harmony was going, you know, to the park and being there and being mom for 45 minutes and then saying I'm going to go take a break, and that's when I would check my voicemails and emails. You know, harmony for me meant that when I am at a speaking gig, when I am done and everybody else would go out and party and celebrate, I was back in my hotel room answering my email so that when I returned home I could be present when I needed to be present. So it's again about learning what is it really going to work for you? And giving yourself the grace and the credence to not have to answer to what works for everyone else and just finding what works for you.

08:19 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
I love that. It also plays into this concept that I I have to admit I can't believe that I was unaware of this concept until like two or three years ago. But uh, you know the the seasons of our lives and you know we we pull through like that we need to be the same person or that you know we have to be doing the same things all the time and it's like no, like right now I have a. I have also a single dad. I have I have um 10 and eight year old two boys and they're hardcore into baseball and it's hardcore baseball season in the North.

08:55
And for me to pretend that I could give max effort to my work projects right now is a joke, it's impossible. And you know, a few years ago that would like drive me up a wall. Oh, I'm not, I'm not getting work done. I'd be putting stress on myself, pressure on myself. But you said, you said feeling guilty, like, like, oh, I'm getting behind and all this kind of stuff. And now I'm just like sorry, I, my kids, got a baseball game at 2 PM today.

09:24
I'm not going to be, I'm off the grid. I'm sorry, that's the thing.

09:29 - Clara Capano (Guest)
And what I find is that when you get clear on those priorities and you get in alignment with it, the right people come to you. You know, when I was doing it, one of the one of the trade-offs I had to make is, rather than being on the road so much, I did a lot more individual coaching so I could work from home. And then, as Nicholas got older now he's 19, I can be on the road full time.

09:52
So you can have those different seasons. What I found, though, is the clients that I would bring in also valued family time, because they wanted to go and be with their kids when they were playing sports, just like I did, and so, again, you sort of attract who you are. And when you're in alignment, you're going to attract other people that are also in that same alignment and share the same core values.

10:16 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
That's a wonderful take and I think you're 100% on the button. I think it goes the other way too, as the consumer of information or individuals One of the things I just had a conversation about with one of my clients. He brought up a particular thought leader on a topic who's brilliant, absolutely brilliant and tons of great ideas, and he was like well, dad, I'm not doing this and I can never do it the way he does it, and I'm like dude, you're 41 years old with three kids. He's 33 with no kids. Like what he is talking about is amazing for a 33 year old with no kids.

10:55
But at 41 with three kids, you have to find pieces of what he's saying that you can apply and give yourself, and the word you use grace is a core value for me. Um, give yourself, and the word you use grace is a core value for me. Give yourself grace to the fact that you're going to do it your way. It's not going to be his way. His way is his way because of the season of the life that he's currently in, and that doesn't mean you can't learn from him. But do not take his success or what he's doing and use that as a value structure for your life. It's just two completely different things.

11:31 - Clara Capano (Guest)
It is, and I think we also have to understand so many of us. What we are seeing is somebody's highlight reel. We are seeing what they want us to see, not what's happening often behind the scenes. And you know you hit it spot on with. You have to look at the reality for yourself, and I see so many people that I work with. You know they are having that comparison-itis with others, but they're not looking at the reality. Like you said, you know you have kids. They don't. Maybe they have a spouse, you don't. You know all of those things are going to be different and you have to really do exactly what you said pick knowledge and how can you apply it in your way so that you can have the success meant for you.

12:15 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
So, let's say, for most of my career I've bought into this work-life balance and whatever that means, and I'm trying to, you know, pound during the day or grind during the day and then be home, and then I feel guilty on both sides of the equations. I feel like I'm never doing enough work and, but I'm also never present or home enough and it's not working for me. And and and this is the first time I'm hearing about the idea of thinking through harmony what is the first? What's the first step? Action, activity. You know how do I start to break myself of the balance idea and move into a mindset of harmony?

12:54 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Yeah, and you know that word mindset is so powerful because mindset really is the key to everything, because it is the only thing that we can control. And when we get our mindset right it then goes into our energy, our focus and then the actions that we take. So I really the first step is you got to create your vision. You know your vision is going to be your compass. So for me, I had a vision early on and success to me was all about the title. You know it was how many titles can I get? You know what accolades and achievements can I have? Do I have the big house? Do I have the fancy car? And when I was in my 20s, that was fine. Again, that was the season I was in.

13:34
Then I found things were not working because my vision changed. Now, for me, success was about again being a good mom, about being a role model, about leaving impact for other people. So I had to change my actions in accordance with my new vision. And what happens is when you get clear on the vision, you can then use that for your checks and balances. So when opportunities come to you, you can then line it up and say if I say yes to this opportunity. Is it moving me towards my vision or away from my vision? So you can then line it up and say if I say yes to this opportunity, is it moving me towards my vision or away from my vision, so you can start making better decisions and feeling okay with the decisions you're making because they're part of a bigger picture.

14:18 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
I've shared this story before on the podcast. But the largest miss for me in my career ever just cultural position, peers in the leadership executive team just the biggest. Just the minute I stepped in the building as an employee for the first time, I just I knew that I had made a mistake was when. That I had made a mistake was when I chased a huge salary in a company that was sexy as hell. That looked great, sounded great, you know there were all the things on a LinkedIn profile were like home run, except all my internal bells and whistles were going off about. This is not a good fit. This is not where I should be. This isn't misalignment on my value structure. This is a misalignment on the work that I want to do.

15:14
But it was the big title, or you know it was. It was a big title at a sexy company with a huge paycheck and and I was only there for nine months. It just you know what I mean. So, like you, you it. It all looks good from the outside. Maybe for someone else who that's, you know, and I think for someone in a different season of their life, that probably would have been an amazing job, but for me and what I was trying to do. It wasn't and it was really. It was the wake-up call for me to the things that you're saying. You know what I mean. Like I started to learn these lessons because I'm going how can I be unhappy here Like I was?

15:49
I was talking to my ex-wife now. But so my, my wife at the time and I'm like I don't understand, like I'm I'm miserable, are huge and we're taking the kids on great vacations, and I'm like, and she's like, but look at this and this, and I'm like I know, but I'm miserable, like I just don't understand. And then it's like, is there something wrong with me? You know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy?

16:14
You know, like you go through this tornado of thoughts and mind ick that because and and I and here's maybe my question what we're talking about, I think some people feel is fluffy, it's ethereal, it sounds great on podcasts and when you're giving keynotes, but in real life that's not the way it works. Yet to me, and the more I get into my career I'm 43 years old now like I, this feels like the most important stuff. Like you have to have this stuff figured out first before all the other stuff lines up or you're living that. You know, uh, uh, that slow suffering Uh I always forget the quote, but you don't mean that that that slow, dull suffering that you know man feels when they're misaligned. You know like it's like that. You know man feels when they're misaligned. You know like it's, like this is so important. So how do we, how do we start to break down the idea that this is fluffy, soft skill, ethereal stuff and this really is a core activity that we must do to find our success in life?

17:20 - Clara Capano (Guest)
And I wanted to share a little bit of my story because it's very similar to yours. And I wanted to share a little bit of my story because it's very similar to yours. The truth is is I am one of the least fluff people you will find. I am very strategic. I don't let you know, even though I believe in those things and I do the visualizations and everything. When it comes to you know what I do. I'm very like direct. This stuff works and it works, and I know it works because I learned it the hard way. So my story was just like you.

17:50
I had my eye on the prize at the time. I was in my early thirties and I was working for a real estate company. I was managing real estate offices and I had my eye on the prize. It was the office that I always wanted. It was the creme de la creme, it was the ace. I got the call three days after my son was born that the office was available and I could have my dream job. I needed to start right away. So when my son was two and a half weeks old, I went back to work and I went to this quote, unquote dream job and it was disastrous. It was horrible because, again, the season that I was in before my son was born had that vision.

18:41
The season after my son was born, the vision changed and living out of alignment led to a divorce. It led to anxiety and depression, really bad living habits that were not good, and my life started to fall apart. I wasn't listening because, like you, I didn't, or what you were saying. I didn't think it would be possible and I thought what's wrong with me? I have everything I ever asked for and it was falling apart. And it was through this that I had my awakening and I call it my moment of clarity. And that's when I started to, you know, design a way out. And it took me about three years to sort of come to the awakening.

19:28
And what I learned is that when you live in alignment again, so you get clear on your vision, you start looking at where you're really investing your time, who you're investing it with, what are the right activities. You learn the harmony of the action and the rest and how that rest and reflection is so pivotal. You know how to track and measure, because it's not that you cannot do something as an overachiever I really struggled with, but I can do this, I can do this is different. I worked less hours, I made three times more money. I was happy and people started to respond to me differently.

20:26
Before all of this, no one ever said I'm so attracted to your energy. I hear that all the time. Now you know people. I get people all day oh hey, do you want to do this new job? No, I am living my dream job now because I learned how to do it on my terms by getting very clear on my vision and getting very clear on living by those core values. So it could sound like fluff. It is the furthest thing from fluff, because it's a strategy and when you live that strategy, everything else falls into place one of the core missing pieces I see so often, particularly in high achievers, is this word is clarity.

21:14 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Why is it? Why are we struggling today? And maybe this is always, maybe this has been always, but let's just say it feels today like and because some of this could be social media, the mass of information in general, our lives are just stuffed with things, et cetera, et cetera. It feels today like very few people are clear on what they want to do, what they need to do, how to do it First. Why is that the case? What are you seeing in the world that is creating this lack of clarity, and what is the first step that people can start to take to gain that clarity?

21:51 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Yeah, and I think it's a really great question. You know, clarity is power, because when you are clear, you actually move forward and take action with conviction and commitment. My personal thought is it's fear, because if I live with my clarity, I might upset somebody else. My clarity may not allow you to live your way, and so we tend to want to be people pleasers. Also, there is so much noise and so much confusion from the outside world Again, confusion about expectations.

22:23
Confusion from the outside world Again, confusion about expectations how we should live our life. You know that we need to be here and not there. How we should parent, how we need to be productive. You know there is so much misinformation and judgment that we get confused and we have to be brave enough and courageous enough to turn off the noise and to put our blinders on and to say you know what? All of that sounds great and almost kind of like. What we started the conversation off with is take the information and repackage it. My job is to live my life for you, for someone else, so they can achieve their goals and understand that by me achieving my goals, that's how I'm actually going to be able to deliver more value to help others achieve their goals.

23:24 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, their goals. Yeah, I see, when I think about fear, and fear of failure in particular, how I, how I've started reframing it is more, you're not. No one's afraid of failure. Failure is just a label of a thing. It's, it's a construct. It's. It doesn't actually exist. There's no, it's a construct, it doesn't actually exist. Failure is not a real thing.

23:53
In my mind, what we're actually afraid of is the loss of status that we'll have from the various constituencies that may matter to us in some cases don't matter to us, but we still consider them by making a certain decision. If I stop drinking beers with my buddies on Friday and and instead I drink water, even though I'm hanging out with them, cause I want to work out in the morning, cause I'm going to get fit, well, now I can't relate to them as much cause they're all out of shape and don't work out and don't value that, and and then I'm going to be different from them and you know, I enjoy their company and what are they going to think about me? And they're going to make fun of me, for oh, who are you and what do you think you are, like I did. Uh, I'll give you an example I did a 75 hard. I don't know if you've ever heard of that program. Uh, in the fall last year and I'll most likely do it again. It's probably gonna be an annual thing for me.

24:47
I loved it. I loved it. I tend to, you know, I like having a drink here or there. You know, probably, maybe, probably more than I should, but I know it's not good for me, I know it doesn't put me in good, but I still do it whatever. And I don't like that about myself, but it happens.

25:05
And what 75 Hard did and for those that don't know, it's a mental fitness program there's six requirements. One of them is you can't have a drink for 75 days. That actually was the easiest part. The hardest part was the gallon of water, but you had to work out twice a day. You have to work out. Part of the program is you have to work out twice a day for 45 minutes. One of those workouts has to be outside. So what I did for my inside workout was I was like, okay, uh, I love lifting weights, but I want to do something different. So I I learned, I started learning boxing. Right, I've never boxed before, I have no intention of ever sparring, but I wanted to learn the mobility in the workouts, so I film myself boxing and I would put it on Instagram Most not not to be like an influencer, boxing or anything but like, just for the accountability. Every day I did my workout, whatever and the amount of like.

26:00
Who are you? Why do you? Why, why are you doing this? Dude, you're 40, 40, you know, two years old old. Why do you need blah, blah, blah, all this negativity, and not even necessarily in a way to be negative towards me? Just their mindset was. It's different than what most 42 year old people do. So why are you doing this? I don't understand and I think ultimately it's making them maybe feel bad that they're not doing something. And it was such an eyeopening experience around human behavior and thought process because here I am just literally and I I'm terrible. I'm terrible and I'm getting like I will say well, the best that this is completely contextual and I apologize for this, but one of my favorite parts about it was boxing.

26:50
People like actual boxers would comment all the time and it would be like I'd knock you out in one punch.

26:57
They'd make all this stuff and they'd be super negative.

27:00
I mean long, I mean. I don't know how much time they have on their hands, like long-ass descriptions of how they would knock me out, right, and I'm like no duh dude, I'm a 43 year old. Well, like, I don't even know what I'm doing. You know, I'm watching YouTube videos and you know, whatever, it doesn't matter. So then I would respond uh, hey, thank you so much for the feedback. Um, I'm just learning, I just started and I have no intention of being a boxing influencer or a professional. I just enjoy that. I do enjoy the sport and I find it challenging and whatever.

27:30
And then their next comment would be just as long, but it'd be like oh, dude, oh, so you need to get this, this thing and watch this video. And here, you know this, this piece of equipment will help you do but, but, but, but. And then they became incredibly positive and I was like this is insane. You wrote, and I was like this is insane, it is, it is, you know, like you wrote me three paragraphs on how I was terrible and this horrible person and how could I put this video online. And and then underneath it, then the next comment would be this like, like they were, like teaching me it was.

28:00 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Well, it's because you were no longer a threat, and I think that's what you did is, when you do these things, it's less about you and it's more about a reflection of themselves. And I did a similar thing in January. I decided to not drink in January.

28:17 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah.

28:18 - Clara Capano (Guest)
And I had a family trip. It was my sister's 60th birthday and so we went, all went to Mexico and I'm like I'm not going to be drinking and oh my gosh, you know what's wrong. Well, luckily, because my family knows me and they know how regimented and how solid I am in my grounding values none of them care. They're just like okay, like none of them made me feel bad. You know, I'm the girl that goes to bed at 8.30 at night because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning. All my friends would tease me. Now they're just like you know.

28:49
I'm the girl that goes to bed at 830 at night because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning. All my friends would tease me. Now they're just like you know. It's just part of it is. I was going to a networking event last night and it was going until eight o'clock and they're like oh my God, it's going to be a late night for you. It's important to me, and if I'm important to them, they'll do it. But there are so many other people out there that don't get it and I don't know if it's just age.

29:09
You just get to a point where you're like I just don't care anymore this is what I need to do for me because, at the end of the day, when I would look at what I was accomplishing versus what they were accomplishing, when I would look at my level of happiness versus their level of happiness such vastly different world.

29:28 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah.

29:28 - Clara Capano (Guest)
And I like who I am. I like the life that I have created for myself. I can look in the mirror at myself at the end of each day and feel proud of the work that I did. That's all I have to answer to.

29:41 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, I mean obviously I completely agree. I think it is no-transcript. I'm very interested in your take on. This was like Do you think, do you think people have to have a rock bottom moment before they can, before they're kind of shook and loose from you know, whatever the malaise is, that's keeping them doing what everyone expects of them but makes them miserable.

30:31 - Clara Capano (Guest)
I think there has to be something. I don't know if it's rock bottom, because I think that's very subjective For me. It was my son, when he was three years old, taking the phone out of my hand and saying mommy, you're not paying attention to me.

30:44
So that was my moment. You know I have someone and for her she was obese. It was the doctor basically saying you're going to die. That was her moment. Now, when some people say that's rock bottom, there was still a roof over their head, they had food in the refrigerator, so it wasn't rock bottom, you know, like Eric Thomas who was living on the streets and homeless. So I think you know, but I think you have to have your moment for when you're finally going to be ready to be honest. When are you going to be honest and take the responsibility to change? Because until the pain is strong enough, it's hard to find a way out.

31:23 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Until you're really in that pain until you're really in that pain and it seems like we excuse away so many moments that could be that moment. Well, my, you know I know 20 people that are divorced. Or I know, you know all my friends look just like I do. Or you know I work hard and I deserve to have a night out and get smashed and feel like crap on Saturday. You know, like we have these things and then we we're really really good at excusing them away. How do we develop, how do people develop, the awareness to start to see these moments for what they are, as, as you know, kind of the Ryan holiday thing. These are, these are obstacles that essentially point us in the direction that we should be following. How do we, how do we develop that awareness in our life to see these moments for, for potential turning points?

32:23 - Clara Capano (Guest)
You know, can I share a funny story though First you're a little younger than me, so me, so hopefully you'll know who I'm talking about. So when I was young, my favorite band is Duran Duran. And when I was 12, 13, I developed anorexia. And again, doctors telling me, parents telling me, friends telling me none of it mattered, until the doctors were ready to put me into the hospital and I was going to miss the Duran Duran concert. That was the moment of clarity that I'm like all right, I think I'll start eating.

32:54
I mean, I had escape routes planned in the hospital, my friends picking me up. So, again, I think, again, we have to be ready. But to answer your question, you know, I think the only thing I can say is in retrospect. It's reflection time, you know, maybe journaling, you know when these things happen? Because again, I can think of all the red flags that came up to tell me that I was going down the wrong path, into an accident, so I could just have a couple of days of rest where nobody would bother me. You know the, the husband who, rather than saying oh, he just isn't supporting me, to be like, no, you know he, he's worried about you. You know you're you're not showing up, um, you know, and I think, I think, just taking more time to reflect, to, to write things down. You know, um, I was talking with someone earlier today and she was saying that I can't remember the way that she put it but feelings aren't really feelings.

33:53
Feelings are a reflection of the programs, of the thoughts that you have. So when you're feeling sad, what is the program? When you're feeling uneasy, what is the program? So I think, maybe leaning into these feelings of uncertainty, of fear, of anger, and starting to say, well, where is this coming from? Because chances are there's a truth that we need to look and start to again look at. What are the patterns that are there?

34:20 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, have you ever read the Untethered Soul?

34:22
Yes, very good. That was a defining book for me, because I've always had this sense and I'm sure this wasn't an original thought, to be honest, I'm sure I picked it up from a bunch of different sources but I've always had this sense that we're not the voice in our head, we're not our mind, right, we're this, something else. And I also have a very strong belief in god and I believe in you know, uh, and all that. So I know I believe that there's more in a deeper consciousness and whatever. That's my personal beliefs. But so I always had this sense that I wasn't the voice in my head, because the voice in my head is kind of a dick and and and seemingly weak and very short sighted and and pain averse, and I was like but that's not who I believe myself to be. So where's that disconnect? And then, when I read the untethered soul and the way that it's laid out in that book, around how you know you're, you are this other thing. Call it a soul, a being, whatever you want, consciousness, whatever you want to call it. You're this and your mind and your body are simply mechanical systems meant to provide data points to you that you can then use however you like. And it solidified that in my head and allowed me to start saying, okay, I'm sad. No, I'm not sad. There is sadness around something. It's a data point. What, what is that? Where is that coming from and how can I fix it, adjust it? Maybe I just have to deal with it, right, like. But when you view these things, particularly emotions and feelings, uh, I used to think, you know, they're all just bullshit and and, and I kind of was more like the keep them arms length, that's. I do not believe that's the right way.

36:12
Um, when I started to think of them and it's because of the untethered soul that I that I developed this thought process that when you think of them as data points like a, like, a, like, you're a business professional, right, you're an entrepreneur, you're a leader, whatever. And you're an entrepreneur, you're a leader, whatever. And you're getting a report, a report, and it's like, okay, your sadness meter is at three, your happiness meter is at five, you're, you know, whatever. And you start to look at them as data points. One, you're emotionally you're, you're detached from them enough that you, you, you don't start to take them on as yourself, right, abigail Shire wrote that most recent book, bad Therapy, where it's like, if you just ruminate on these horrible feelings over and over again, you're all you're doing is perpetuating them and entrenching them in your soul, right, like if you see them as data points.

36:56
Well, now, I'm not sad. There's just sadness about this situation. Okay, how do I deal with that? Right, what's the appropriate? What's the appropriate next step? Not I'm sad, right Like I'm. This, I'm no, you're not that thing. Your body and your mind are sending you feedback and, man, when you start, you know and I'm not doing a great job, and I haven't, I haven't put this into any kind of system or anything. It's, this is just. I'm kind of talking out loud is in my viewpoints, but it has changed my ability to handle situations in a way that I can't even.

37:34 - Clara Capano (Guest)
I can't fathom it Like it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, it just like you said, when you can sort of take the emotion out of it and look at you, know where is it coming from, you can approach it in a more logical way. Um, you at, you know where is it coming from. You can approach it in a more logical way. You can, you know, take ownership of it, take more responsibility and find a way to work through it. Because if it's a good feeling, how can I create more of this? If it's a negative feeling, how can I approach it differently? It's the same adage of we can't control what happens. All we can control is how we respond to it.

38:08
So if you're understanding where it's coming from, it's going to help you be able to respond to it in a more purposeful and intentional way.

38:15 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, I saw in one of your speaking reels you talked about three questions that you ask yourself at the end of every day. Could you share what those are? And then I'd like to talk through each one individually.

38:34 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Absolutely Well. This all sort of came about when I started to, you know, reinvent my definition of success, as I was changing seasons, whereas before it was all about checking off the boxes. What I do now is I ask myself three questions at the end of the day Did I show love, did I inspire and did I contribute positively to the world? Today, if I can say yes to those three things, it was a successful day for me. So that is my meter for how I define success now.

39:07 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
What is love look like in that context?

39:11 - Clara Capano (Guest)
To me it's kindness, it is gratitude, compassion for others being present and showing up fully for others, giving the best of myself to another person.

39:23 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, Talk to me a little bit about the idea of being present, because I'm reading the power of now by Eckhart Tolle right now. Uh, classic, don't know how, I haven't read it before, but um. But you know, it's all about this idea of being present, and it is so incredibly difficult to be in the present moment only. When you are, uh, you, you experience life in a way that I think is pure joy, almost regardless of the situation. But you, it is so difficult, especially with all the noise today. I feel like to be present. What does that mean to you, and how do you create a sense of presence in your life?

40:09 - Clara Capano (Guest)
You know it, what I was shared, you know this was shared with me by one of my mentors and you know I think we've all heard it the greatest gift that you can give is yourself, you know, and being again truly there for someone, and this is under the umbrella of emotional intelligence, building empathy and doing those things. And one of the reasons it's so challenging is because we are faced with distractions about every three minutes and it takes us about 15 to 17 minutes to get our focus back. My whole goal is to deliver value to other people, to serve other people. I cannot serve at my highest level when I am multitasking, when I am not showing up as my best, and what I want to do is I want to make the most out of each moment I have. Time is so valuable. That's why I'm very passionate about what I do in helping people learn to leverage and invest their time, because it's the one commodity that we do not get back, because it's the one commodity that we do not get back and I want to savor, because we only get one trip around the sun and I want to make sure that I am not wasting any moment. So, for me, being present is things such as when I'm here with you, my phone is away. You know I'm not answering those things.

41:30
If I go out to lunch with someone, I heard this one time that even if you go out to lunch with someone and you have your phone upside down on the table, non-consciously the message that they get is that that phone is still more important than them. So put it away, be here. You know, if you're at a concert, you don't need to be taking pictures. Enjoy it, take it in. You know, those moments with your kids, with your significant others, with your friends, really embrace it. So it's really.

41:57
It's not perfect. The distractions are still going to come. We can't stop them. It's just a matter of can we come up with strategies to help minimize the distractions as much as possible? So even if we're at an event and you and I are talking and we have that person that's standing right here, I'm with you, you know, because that's where my presence needs to be, and so it's a lot of discipline, it's practice, it's a skill set, and I find that I get so much more out of it. I build deeper relationships, more trust and, again, I can deliver more value when I am fully present.

42:38 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
I'm sure you'd agree with this. But as a speaker, I've found that you know, you give your presentation, your keynote I like to call them performances but you give your performance and then afterwards there's people who want to talk to you and most of the time they don't actually have questions, they just want to share their experience with what you said, which is great, which is, I mean, it's a, it's a blessing, it's a blessing that people want to do that. So I, you know, even though you might be emotionally exhausted, it's part of the job and it's a wonderful thing and it's a, it's a joy. And what I've found in in doing this and being around other speakers as well, is that by taking that you, you may be completely, and if you're really giving yourself everything and I know you'd agree, you are exhausted after an hour keynote, you are, you should be exhausted, right, and the last thing you want to do is talk more. But if you can muster the ability to be present with someone, even for two or three minutes in that moment, just present with them, just I'm going to listen to your story, I'm going to acknowledge you, I'm going to maybe ask a follow-up question or confirm what you've said to me and just give you my full attention for two or three minutes, that person will feel like they've known you and talk about you like like they've known you their entire life.

44:00
Because there's just and this goes for all interactions, but I've just particularly seen it there where we just, we all just want to be fucking heard. We just want to be heard. And if you can just let someone know hey, you got to barf on me for five minutes about this story that relates to something I said and I can sit here and make eye contact with you and acknowledge you and listen to you. They're going to walk away and you even see them like they'll come up, kind of like a little timid, and they'll tell you their story and then, as they're telling it and they realize you actually give a shit and are willing to listen to them, like their shoulders kind of pull back and their face lightens up and their eyes get big and they walk away and they're like but you don't even they, they're happy as hell and it's like what a gift to give somebody.

44:44 - Clara Capano (Guest)
It's incredible and you know we we have to take it as a blessing. You know we are there again to inspire, to do that, and you know what a small thing that we can do. One of the things that has helped me is when I go in to, you know, a performance, whether it's a 30 minute or a whole day, mentally I tell myself it's a day event, because that helps me maintain it, because I am there. I am in that performance from when I walk through the front door to when I leave that door to talk and to do whatever I can to make it an experience, not just for me but for the attendees that are there. And even yesterday I was doing a virtual one and I received several emails. I took time yesterday. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I took time to respond to each of those emails saying thank you so much for making the time to be there. They gave up an hour of their time to listen to me. I can, you know, invest five minutes in sending them an email of gratitude.

45:46 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Yeah, I agree. Why is inspiration one of the questions that you ask yourself at the end of the day?

45:54 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Because part of my vision is to deliver impact, and I am where I am because of how people impacted me and inspired me, and that's really what I feel my job is. You know, my job is not to be a speaker. My job is to deliver value and inspire people. To motivate and inspire them to their level of greatness every day and to let them believe in themselves again and believe that they can overcome. So that's really a guiding principle for me.

46:27 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
What is it about contribution? We go through our day, we work, we punch the clock, we come home. Why is feeling like you've contributed? An important question to ask yourself.

46:42 - Clara Capano (Guest)
You know? I just remember someone once told me you know, at the end of the day did you earn your rest? You?

46:48
know I want to pour as much as I can into the people that I interact with, and there is so much negativity out there. I want to bring positivity because I believe both of them have a ripple effect and I really want more of a positive ripple effect. So for me it's. Did I leave today a better place than it was when I woke up? Did I at least do my part Whether they listen to me or not, it doesn't matter. Did I do my part in trying to make this world a little bit better today? Because if today is my last day, I want to make sure that I'm going out with a bang and I'm going out leaving a mark and making sure that every person I touch, everything that I do, is positively impacting other people's lives.

47:37 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Clara, I'm so glad you're out there. I love your message. I love your style. I love the way you think about these things. If I were a better podcast host, I would have found some way to disagree with you, but I can't. I think I absolutely love it and your sign behind you sarcasm is a superpower, Completely agree.

47:54 - Clara Capano (Guest)
That was a gift from my mother.

47:55 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
If that tells you anything you know it, you know it's funny, my, my kids, uh, my kids give me a hard time. So I love, I love busting chops. I love, I love to have my chops busted. I love, like, I love the giving back. I love the. Oh, you got me. Okay, now I need to figure out how to get you and the playful nature of it. And how do you rib somebody but not make it I?

48:19 - Clara Capano (Guest)
love that.

48:20 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
And I find it's so much fun and I think it speaks to someone who's good nature, because if you're going to bust chops, you got to have the humility to have yours chops, busted or no, you know, and it's just, it's such a great thing. Um, where can people find out more about you, your work? If they love what you're doing, how do they hire you to come speak at their event? Or, you know, how do people get involved with, with what you have going on?

48:44 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Oh well, thank you so much and again, thank you for what you're doing, because you're opening the conversations for people to grow, and you know we have to give you acknowledgement for what you're doing, so thank you for inviting me on and doing what you're doing.

48:56
The best place to find me is LinkedIn, is the social platform. I'm on all of them, but that's the one that I'm most engaged with, where I feel I deliver a lot of the value. Then also my website, which is just ClaraCapanocom, and the one thing going back to what we just talked about of impacting and positively contributing, I want to be a resource to people to help them live a better life, so I always offer a clarity chat. It's not some sort of covert way to try to sell you something. It truly is a way to impact. So on my website they can always get access to just have a little 15 minute clarity chat with me and hopefully I'll leave their day a little bit brighter and bring them some clarity. So I just encourage you if you're having a day, if you want to talk about how I can bring come into your business Awesome, love doing that all day long and if you're just having a rough day and need some clarity, I'm your girl.

49:47 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Clara, you're amazing. Thank you for being on the show.

49:49 - Clara Capano (Guest)
Thank you.

49:53 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Come on mouse, there we go, bam Bam.